Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli…..Ben Affleck Sally O’Malley…..Molly Shannon John Hellman…..Jimmy Fallon Blonsky……Chris Parnell Guy #1…..Tracy Morgan
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, alright there, uh, boys and girls, let’s huddle up, come on let’s go. My name is, uh, Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli, but any of you can call me “Buch” if you wanna get your face busted that is. Ha-ha! That’s a lil joke, what I do to break the ice, y’know and all that, anyway, you’re training instructor, I.E., me, will be evaluating whether or not you’re fit to wear the Blue. For the next three hours I will be your Mommy, your Daddy, and your worst frickin “Nightmare on Elm Street Part 5: Freddie’s Revenge” Again, a lil humor.
Guy #1: And a damn fine movie, Booch.
(Sally O’Malley enters)
Sally O’Malley: Excuse me, uh, hi there. I heard you’re lookin’ for a tough cop. Heard you’re lookin for a tough cop.
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Yeah, that’s right. What are you doin here?
Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally O’Malley. I’m proud to say that I am 50 years old. I’m not one of those gals who’s afraid to tell her real age, and I like to (demonstrates) kick!, stretch!, and KICK! I’m 50! 50 years old! 50 years old. Not afraid to hide my age, 50!
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, alright goldie we hear ya honey. Fall in line w/ the rest of them-go ‘head. Come here, what’s your name?
John Hellman: I’m John Hellman, Sir.
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: (gets punched) Rule #1: Always be prepared. Alright, go clean yourself up. OK, 1st off today I would like to demonstrate a highly effective judo move that once got me out of a jam in Korea town. It goes a lil something like this (demonstrates a move w/ 2 punches followed by a kick) Hi-ya, yah, SUGAH! Alright, now you guys do it, go ‘head.
(class demonstrates-Sally kicks furiously)
Sally O’Malley: SUGAH, I’m 50! 50 years old! 50 years old! Hats off to me-50 years old!
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, yeah, we heard you Angie Dickinson. Let me ask you a question-O’Malley, Officer O’Malley-you like the sound of that?
Sally O’Malley: Truth be told, I prefer, uh, Chief O’Malley.
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Yeah, well I prefer to be called the “White Bill D. Williams”. Again, that’s humor. That’s just jokes is what that is; it’s humor. I’ll tell you this O’Malley, you got a lot of energy and you got a lot of spice.
Sally O’Malley: Well thank you. That’s because I took my vee-tamins this mornin and when I put on my red pants I like to dance. Hey taxi (whistles), lookin for a ride.
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: That’s another reason not to pick up hitchhikers. OK, O’Malley, let’s see what you got. Blonksy, get over here. O’Malley, Blonksy. Blonsky, O’Malley. Now Blonsky here is an assailant who is gonna try to choke you and take your purse. Now try dancin your way outta this one “Big Red”, will you? Go ‘head Blonsky, take her down.
(O’Malley elbows Blonsky, then hits him in the face, then knees him)
Blonksy: Oh God!
Sally O’Malley: Book ‘um Dano, I’m 5-0! (Balances herself on one leg with arms extended to each side) 50 years old! 50 years old! 50 years old!
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, get up Blonsky, come here (punches him) You got beat up by an old lady, we can’t have that. Hit the road. You got guts O’Malley, I gotta tell you, but we don’t make cops outta fossils. Sorry, maybe you should go home and, uh, bake some cookies with the rest of the old ladies.
Sally O’Malley: How ’bout I bake you up a nice knuckle sandwich?
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Oh, you’re scaring me here. Woah!
Sally O’Malley: I’ll tell you something Officer, I got more juice in this tomato than all of these fruits put together.
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Oh, is that so?
Sally O’Malley: Yeah, that’s so.
Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Well let’s see how you do against some of Chicago’s finest. Everybody out! Let’s go! It’s time for the real men. Boys come on in! Take her down.
Sally O’Malley: Gee, I don’t know, maybe I am a lil old
Cop: Yeah maybe you are a lil old.
(Beats up all 3 cops)
Sally O’Malley: And just in case you forgot…I like to kick!, stretch!, and KICK! I’m 50, 50, 50 years old!
(shows front cover of a newspaper w/ picture of Sally)
“Officer Sally Sally O’Malley: Still Kickin’ Ass At 50!”
Announcer: This is ABC News, “Nightline”. Reporting from Washington, Ted Koppel.
[ dissolve to Ted Koppel at his newsdesk ]
Ted Koppel: The passing of Charles Schultz has left a void in the heart of America. His loyal readers, young and old alike, are celebrating Schultz’s humor, warmth, and unique view on life. Tonight on “Nightline”, some of those who worked closely with him would like to share their thoughts on this wonderful man. Joining us tonight from his home in Phoenix, Arizona: Franklin.
[ cut to large-headed Franklin, sitting on a bench outside his home ]
Franklin: Hello, Ted.
Ted Koppel: And, from her cabin in North Hampton, Massachusetts: Peppermint Patty’s little friend, Marcie.
[ cut to large-spectacled Marcie sitting inside her cabin home ]
Marcie: Hi, sir!
Ted Koppel: And, finally, from his office in Seattle: Pigpen.
[ cut to large-headed Pigpen sitting in an interior office setting, a cloud of dust rising behind him ]
Pigpen: Hi, Ted.
[ cut back to Ted ]
Ted Koppel: Now.. Franklin, let me just start with you. How did Charles Schultz touch your life?
Franklin: Well, back then, uh — I mean, this was the days before “Fat Albert” — I mean, back then, in was hard for a brother to get into the funnies. No one wanted to take the time to do the shading [ Ted shakes his head ] But, Charles Schultz, he looked beyond race, he knew that, deep down, we’re all the same: we all have heads the size of the rest of our bodies, and, when we turn sideways, our mouthes disappear.
Ted Koppel: So true, Franklin! I should mention, at this time, that Charlie Brown very much wanted to be here tonight, but he’s on-location in Thailand shooting a film with Chow Yun-Fat. But he has issued this statement:
[ show slide of Charlie Brown and his quote ]
Ted Koppel V/O: “My dog, his bird friend and I are terribly saddened by this loss. It has hit me hard, like a line drive tossing me mid-air and knocking the clothes off my body.”
[ cut back to Ted ]
Ted Koppel: Now.. Marcie, I’d like to turn to you —
Marcie: Uhh.. yes, sir?
Ted Koppel: You say Charles Schultz was like a father to you?
Marcie: Well, sir.. yes, sir. I was going through quite a few “personal” problems — I — I was confused about my sexual orientation. And Mr. Schultz was cool about it, at a tme when my own family wasn’t. I was pretty upset with Peppermint Patty, sir, but she just didn’t like me that way! [ lifts her head ] Aaaagggghhhhhh!!!
Ted Koppel: I see.
Franklin: I don’t know about you, Ted, but I always wanted to see some Marcie-on-Patty action! [ snickers ]
Ted Koppel: Yes, that.. would have been nice! Now, Pigpen, from your recently-published autobiography — [ holds up book ] After The Dust Settled: My Life in Real Estate — I gathered Charles Schultz literally saved your life?
Pigpen: Yeah, I, uh, had a pretty rough childhood. My parents were pretty neglectful of me. I mean, look at me back then, I was filthy! But, uh, whereas everyone else saw a filthy kid in a perpetual cloud of dust, Charles Schultz saw a dirty, smelly kid who could teach the world about tolerance.. and about Dolly Madison snack cakes.
Ted Koppel: Alright, at this point I’d like to warn our affiliates we may be going a few minutes long tonight —
Ben Affleck: It’s great to be in New York, and I’m excited to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I’ve been a fan of the show my entire life.. in fact, I was on the show, last year, when Gwyneth Paltrow hosted. When Gwyneth was doing her monologue, I stood up and asked a question, and I got a laugh. I thought it was a pretty big laugh. I guess it was big enough to be asked back to host. And it was fun, and I was there to support her. And I’m just happy to say that she came back to support me! [ walks into audience to point out Gwyneth Paltow in the front row ]
Gwyneth Paltrow: You’re doing great!
Ben Affleck: Thanks for coming. [ he kisses her, then returns to center stage, where Gwyneth follows ] Oh, you’re coming up here? Great. That’s great.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Why? Do you not want me here?
Ben Affleck: No, really, of course. I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for your support. It’s terrific.
Gwyneth Paltrow: You want me to leave?
Ben Affleck: No!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Are you sure?
Ben Affleck: Yeah! No! I’m thrilled that you’re here, it’s great. I’m thrilled!
Gwyneth Paltrow: You don’t really seem thrilled.
Ben Affleck: I’m really, really, really glad that you’re here. It’s just that when I was here I stayed in the audience.. but I’m happy that you’re here. I’m glad you came on.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Right. This is your night, and you want me to sit down?
Ben Affleck: No, no, no, no, no! I mean, eventually, yeah. I’m just saying it’s like when you won your Oscar. I stayed in my seat, it was cool, I let you have your moment, because I already knew what it felt like to win an Oscar.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah, that’s right, you did win – for writing. God, it’s really exciting to stand there all alone, isn’t it?
Ben Affleck: I won mine with Matt, we were both up there.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Well, that’s still good!
Ben Affleck: Great! I’ll see you after the show! [ tries to push her off the stage ]
Gwyneth Paltrow: I just thought you looked a little lost..
Ben Affleck: No, I think it was going pretty good.. right up until now.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay. You know what? You are doing great. I’m sure with your writing skills, you’re gonna do a great show.
Ben Affleck: Now, I didn’t write the show.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah, I know, because Matt’s not here. Ben Affleck: Thanks! Thanks alot! Anything else you want to say?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Well, I don’t know if the audience wants to hear anything more from me.. [ audience applauds loudly ] Really?! Ben has a great show for you – Fiona Apple is here! Stick around, Ben’s gonna be right back!
Todd Newton: This is Todd Newton reporting live for E! I’m having a sexy-fun time here at the premiere for “Reindeer Games”. Looks like all of Hollywood’s here tonight. Hey look, there’s The Practice’s, Camryn Manheim and funny man Bruce Vallanche. Hey talk to E!
Camryn Manheim: Hi Todd.
Bruce Villanche: You’re name’s not Todd Newton – it’s Todd POO-ton!
[ Both laugh and walk off ]
Todd Newton: I don’t get it. Hey, here’s Ben Affleck, the Man of the Hour. [ Ben tries to rush by ] Ben, Ben, over here! It’s me, Todd Newton.
Ben Affleck: Yeah, I know, that’s why I was walkin’ faster.
Todd Newton: [ laughs ] Terrific! Hey, tell me, there’s something I always wanted to know – What’s it like having people like you?
Ben Affleck: Uh.. it’s good I guess.
Todd Newton: [ laughs ] I knew it! [ looking around as Ben walks off ] Hey, look, there’s Mango! Mango, over here! Mango! It’s E!, Todd Newton!
Mango: [ strutting excitedly ] Ohhh, hi, E!Hello!
Todd Newton: Mango, you look great. Who are you weating?
Mango: Oh, this is my own design.. this only took me a couple of hours.. This is Wang. Vera Wang!
Todd Newton: [ laughing ] Alright. Classic!
Mango: Hey, have you seen the Matt Damon man? I’m looking for him.
Todd Newton: No. But why don’t you ask his buddy, Ben Affleck? Ben! Over here, buddy!
[ Ben walks over ]
Mango: Oh, hi! How are you? So, you know the Matt Damon man?
Ben Affleck: Uh, yeah, I know him. We did a couple movies together.
Mango: Oh, yeah, I know! The “Good Will Hunter” brothers, I remember!
Ben Affleck: No, it was called “Good Will Hunting”..
Mango: Yeah, whatever. Do me favor, when you see the Matt Damon man, tell him I’m looking for him.
Ben Affleck: [ relunctant ] What’s your name?
Mango: [ moving closer for a whisper ] Mango.
[ Mango’s soundtrack, “Missing” by Everything But the Girl, surrounds the air, as he innocently seduces Ben and disappears, leaving Ben in a daze ]
Todd Newton: You alright, Ben? Ben, you alright?
Ben Affleck: [ sidetracked ] Man-go!
[ cut to Mango in an aerobics class, as his cell phone rings ]
Mango: Sweet Mother of Crap! I thought I turned this mofo off! Hello? Leo DiCaprio?! I thought I told you never to call me? Okay? Bye! [ phone rings again ] Yes? Hi, Haley Joel Osment. I told you you’re too young for me. Okay? Bye! [ phone rings again ] Hello? Yes?
[ split-screen of Ben and Mango ]
Ben Affleck: Mango, it’s me, Ben Affleck.
Mango: Ben who-fleck? What? Who is this?
Ben Affleck: I mean.. [ disguising his voice ] Hey.. it’s me, Matt Damon!
Mango: Oh! Matt Damon! Hi!
Ben Affleck: Listen.. I’ve gotta see you, man! Come to my apartment at 8 o’clock, I’ll send a driver to pick you up. See you then! [ hangs up, as screen shifts to Ben’s apartment ] Oh, this is so awesome, I can’t believe it! [ walks up to a wall mirror, puts on a Matt Damon wig, glasses and teeth ] I’m Matt Damon!
[ cut to later that night. Ben’s apartment is dark, as the doorbell rings. ]
Ben Affleck: Come in!
Mango: [ entering ] Hello?
Ben Affleck: Mango, come in.
Mango: Thank you. Why is it so dark in here?
Ben Affleck: Uh, I have a pimple. [ changing subject ] Why don’t you stand over by the light?
Mango: [ complying, looks for a comfortable pose ] Should I do this? [ changes position ] Or maybe do that? [ giggles ] I’m a little nervous..!
Ben Affleck: Hey, man.. why don’t you try stripping for me?
Mango: [ surprised ] Alright.
[ Ben turns the stero on by remote, as Mango nervously dances around the room. Driven to arousal, Ben jumps onto Mango and knocks him to the floor ]
Ben Affleck: I can’t take it! I’ve gotta have my Mango pie, you little bitch! [ starts spanking Mango ]
Mango: [ struggling to get loose ] No! Call the 911!
Ben Affleck: Don’t fight it.
Mango: [ escapes from Ben’s grip and jumps to his feet ] Why does this keep happening to me? Why does everybody think I’m gay? I just came over to get an autograph for my son! His school happens to be having a charity auction, Mr. Matt Damon man!
Ben Affleck: [ giving up ] Ah.. call me Ben.
Mango: [ outraged ] Ben who-fleck?! What?! Who?! What?! What is this now?!
Ben Affleck: [ falling to his knees ] I’m sorry, Mango! I just never felt like this before! Even though I’m not really funny, just the thought of makes me feel so young! You’re everything, you complete me! Oh Mango! [ cries ]
Mango: Shhh, okay, come on.. it’s alright.
Ben Affleck: I.. I.. I did good in “Armageddon”, I wrecked the asteroid!
Mango: Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it, so.. [ singing staticly ] Hush there, little baby, don’t say a word.. Manog gonna buy this mockingbird.. And if that mockingbird don’t sing.. Mango gonna buy.. the diamond ring.” And inside that diamond ring, there’ll be a description.. that say.. “You can’t have-a the Mango!” [ stands up and slaps himself in the butt, then leaves ]
Ben Affleck: [ distraught, throws his hands in the air ] MANGO-O-O-O!!
Ben Affleck: Guys, I just want to say “THank you so much!” To the — everybody in the cast, and the crew – this was the most incredible week! Fiona Apple! Gwyneth Paltrow! G.E. Smith! It was fabulous! Thank you so, so much! This was really great!
Mr. T.: I’ll squash that bug! [ tosses Stagehand across the rowof seats ] Rehearse this, fool! [ squashes two actors’ headstogether ]
[ Director runs off ]
Little Boy: He’s getting away!
[ Mr. T and the Teenaged Boy and Girl fling from the girders and land on the Director’s back, stopping him ]
Mr. T.: Next time, stay in school!
Director: [ confused ] What?!
[ Mr. T picks up the Director and tosses him into the set, smashing it to pieces ]
Female Actor: But.. we rehearsed..
Mr. T.: Stop jibber-jabbering, and start acting!
[ cut to Opening Night, Mr. T in his dressing room with the kids ]
Teenage Boy: The show was really great, Mr. T!
Mr. T.: You gotta respect the writer! Henrik Ibsen’s a tough dude! Eat all your greens!
Little Boy: And they all doubted you.
Mr. T.: Let that be a lesson to all the Gary Burghoffs, JoeyLawrences, Tina Yotherses, and George “Goober” Lindsays! If you believe in yourself, drink your school, stay in drugs, and don’t do milk – you can get work! [ dog barks ] Alright, maybe not Gary Burghoff!
[ they all share a hearty laugh, as the cartoon ends ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 13 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 19th, 2000 Ben Affleck Fiona Apple None Gwyneth Paltrow G.E. Smith NightlineSummary: Peanuts characters appear on “Nightline” to mourn the passing of Charles Schultz. Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Franklin. Transcript
Montage
Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Despite the need to do so, Gwyneth Paltrow joins Ben Affleck onstage to share his limelight. Transcript
Victoria’s SecretSummary: A pair of talking breasts promote the lingerie company. Transcript
Ben Loves MangoSummary: Ben Affleck finds himself enchanted by Mango (Chris Kattan) at a celebritiy event, but the male dancer is only interested in meeting Matt Damon. Taking a cue from Damon’s movie, “The Talented Mr. Ripley”, Ben disguises himself as his buddy and woos Mango into his apartment. Recurring Characters: Mango. Transcript
Boston TeensSummary: Sully (Jimmy Fallon) sees Denise (Rachel Dratch) flirting with Donny Bartalotti (Ben Affleck) at a party. Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank, Donny Bartalotti.
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “The All New Adventures of Mr. T” (Tracy Morgan), who’s back and ready to work! Transcript
Fretts Film Forum
FanaticSummary: Crazed fan (Ben Affleck) gets to spend the day with Anna Nicole Smith (Molly Shannon). Recurring Characters: Anna Nicole Smith.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Colin Quinn examines live press conferences held by Republican presidential contenders George W. Bush (Will Ferrell), John McCain (Chris Parnell), and Alan Keyes (Tim Meadows). Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, John McCain, Alan Keyes. Transcript
Fiona Apple performs “Limp”
The ZimmermansSummary: Josh (Chris Kattan) and Laura Zimmerman (Cheri Oteri) flirt with a sleazy salesman (Ben Affleck) while shopping for a new car. Recurring Characters: Josh Zimmerman, Laura Zimmerman. Transcript
Police Recruit Fitness TestingSummary: At 50 years of age, Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon) wants to join the police academy. Recurring Characters: Salley O’Malley. Transcript
Who Wants To Be Groped By An Eleven-Thousandaire?Summary: A semi-rich redneck (Ben Affleck) favors confused guy (Chris Kattan) over a pair of desperate brides.
[FADE IN on the New York skyline with smokestacks steaming in the foreground.]
Announcer: Now, from the news capital of the world: its Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[FADE to studio and ZOOM in on Colin at the anchor desk.]
Colin: Thank you, folks!
[cheers and applause]
Colin: Simmer down now! Hi, Im Colin Quinn, and here are tonights top stories:
[Monitor shows Hillary Clintons head superimposed next to the White House.]
Colin: Hillary Clinton finally announced her candidacy for the U.S. Senate this week, raising doubts as to whether shell be able to fulfill her White House duties while campaigning. Aides, however, assure voters that the campaign will in no way affect Hillarys performance of the First Ladys chief responsibility: looking the other way. [soft laughter] Its a warm-up, cmon.
[Monitor fades to Bill Clinton pointing at something and talking into his daughter Chelseas ear.]
Colin: While waiting for his wifes announcement rally in upstate New York to begin, President Clinton took his daughter Chelsea to a local Starbucks, where 29-year-old Jennifer Cook offered the President a massage. Clinton responded to the offer by turning to his daughter and asking, Shouldnt you be helping your mom? [dry laughter and groaning]
[Monitor fades to a grinning Hillary Clinton.]
Colin: The centerpiece of Hillarys announcement was a biographical videotape in which the First Lady looks into the camera and brags, I make a mean tossed salad. You know, shes definitely not… [stumbles] …new-new-new to New York if she doesnt know what tossed salad means. [laughter] How about THAT one….
[Monitor fades to a split image of a distracted George W. Bush and an angry John McCain.]
Colin: The Republican presidential race got personal this week, as George W. Bush, in an effort to portray John McCain as a Washington insider, began referring to his opponent as Chairman McCain. In response, McCain, now trying to paint Bush as a simpleton who owes all his success to his father, has started calling the Texas governor Tori Spelling. [cheers and applause] What, is she gonna hum it? Yeah, lets kill her!
[Monitor fades to another split image, this time of Bush and Steve Forbes gritting his teeth.]
Colin: And publisher Steve Forbes dropped out of the Republican race Thursday after a poor showing in the Delaware primary. Political observers speculate that Forbess exit will boost George W. Bushs campaign, since Forbes was splitting the important spoiled rich kid vote. [laughter]
[Monitor fades to a graphic of a stock ticker reading EXPLOSION above a WALL ST street sign.]
Colin: A small bomb exploded in the heart of Wall Street before daybreak Friday. A small bomb, or as the IRA calls it, an initial public offering. [laughter and applause]
[Monitor fades to a graphic of a computer with the words CYBER TERRORISM superimposed on the monitor.]
Colin: Online hackers last week waged a series of crippling assaults that shut down popular websites including e-trade and amazon.com, and created a state of near-emergency, in which people had to interact with other human beings. [laughter and applause]
Authorities… Yeah, man, thats what its come to, man.
[Monitor fades to the seal of the FBI.]
Colin: Authorities, meanwhile, fear that internet crime is getting so bad, its not even safe to not leave your house anymore. [laughter]
[Monitor fades to the ebay logo.]
Colin: Among those hit by the internet terrorists this week was the auction site ebay, which shut down for six hours on Tuesday, resulting in a sales loss of an estimated six million dollars worth of useless crap. [laughter and applause]
[Monitor fades to a Barbie doll head and the Mattel logo.]
Colin: Toymaker Mattel announced this week that it will launch a new design for the Barbie doll that will permit her to twist and bend at the waist without joints showing, allowing her outfits to show her midriff. The doll even comes with a new boyfriend: [monitor fades to a photo of a balding middle-aged man] Tommy Mentoa. [laughter and applause] Ohhh-hhh. You work for Sony? What do you care?
[Monitor fades to the cover of Gear magazine, which shows a nude Jessica Biel with her breasts blacked out, along with the headline, FALLEN ANGEL.]
Colin: In hopes of being fired from her show, 7th Heaven, 18-year-old Jessica Biel has deviated from her wholesome image and posed nude in the mens magazine Gear. Yeah, thatll get her fired. Has a job ever existed where someone said, That hot 18-year-old who keeps taking off her clothes, get rid of her. [laughter] Certainly not.
[Monitor fades to a frame of Charlie Brown being carried off the ballfield by the Peanuts gang.]
Colin: In tomorrows newspapers… [laughter] In tomorrows newspapers, Charles Schulzs beloved Peanuts will end its 50-year run with the publication of its last original comic strip. In the final installment, Lucy and Charlie Brown are once again playing football, but this time, after she pulls the ball away so he cant kick it, Charlie Brown goes to a nightclub and stabs two people. [laughter mingled with a few boos]
[Monitor fades to a photo of a galaxy with the caption, BIG BANG THEORY.]
Colin: Using complex atom-smashing experiments, scientists in Geneva this week found new evidence to support the Big Bang Theory, which holds that the universe was created after a huge explosion. Scientists now believe that the explosion occurred when a giant star, known as a nova, crashed into the back of another star, known as a Pinto. [laughter and applause]
[Monitor fades to logos of the Pfizer and Warner Lambert companies.]
Colin: Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, announced this week that it will acquire Warner Lambert, the maker of the cholesterol-fighting drug Lipitor, in a deal that will create the worlds second-largest drug company. The worlds largest drug comp–drug company, meanwhile, was unavailable for comment.
[Monitor fades to a photo of Nick Nolte with sunglasses and a cigarette dangling from his mouth. After a long moment of laughter, the monitor switches to the caption, THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES, EVE ENSLER.]
Colin: A conservative New York taxpaying group says that the critically acclaimed off-Broadway play, The Vagina Monologues, currently being performed at New Yorks public colleges, is too sexual and, quote: should be kicked off the campuses. Sounds to me like its their time of the month. [nervous laughter] Heyyyy, heyyyy, I try…
[Monitor fades to a clean-cut man in a suit standing at a microphone and superimposed in front of the Austrian flag.]
Colin: Jorg Haider, the controversial leader of Austrias anti-immigration Freedom Party, denied Wednesday that he is a Nazi sympathizer, as his critics charge, and inisisted that he is, quote: a pure Democrat. And by pure he means, Aryan. [laughter]
[Monitor fades to Bill Clinton giving a speech and raising his left fist.]
Colin: And President Clinton this week upset Irish advocates by urging the participants in the stalled Northern Ireland peace process to, quote: belly up to the bar. Clinton then insulted Israelis while trying to explain his Middle East peace plan when he offered: Have I got a deal for you. [mild laughter] Small.
[CUT to a frontal shot of Colin at the desk.]
Colin: With Valentines Day quickly approaching, love may or may not be in the air unless you try and find the perfect gift. Here with some shopping hints from the boutique, The Erotic Attic, on 112th and Lexington, is Joy Lipton, everybody.
[PAN over to Joy, who sits with touseled hair, dark-rimmed glasses, and a dark orange shirt, as the audience cheers and applauds.]
Joy: [in a high, quavering voice] Thank you, Co–thank you, Colin. Colin, Ive lassoed up just a few of the Valentines Day gifts that are sure to make you O.K. in HER corral. [laughter] Colin, Im sure youve heard of edible panties, edible bras. [in an off-key singsong voice] I know. Been there. Done that. But… but heres a gift that will surely put you back in HER flavor. Did I say flavor? I sure did. [laughter] When theyre fruit roll-up condoms…
[She holds up two sealed condoms in her hands.]
Joy: They come in two bold and sexy flavors. [opens up condom] Strawberry White and Divine Brownie.
[She takes a bite out of the Strawberry White and chews stiffly.]
Joy: Just had sex, Colin? We can tell, cause your Little Richardll be singin, Tutti frutti… oh, Rudy!
[She stiffly waves her arm as the audience cackles.]
Colin: [dryly] It doesnt sing.
Joy: Thats what SHE said. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Has making love become ho-hum in the… Casa de Quinn?
Colin: [gestures toward camera] Feel free to focus on the audience.
Joy: Is she just a damsel in distress when you ride in on your horse, Colin?
Colin: Once again, the audience is out THERE. [points toward camera]
Joy: Well, if she is, maybe shes just looking for a hero. [spreads out hands] Introducing my vibrating hero.
[She pulls out a plastic replica of a hero sandwich with a dial at one end.]
Joy: Or as some call it, The Love Sub. Cause a submarine will go deep… [stammers] …can go deep, giving her hours of erotic enjoyment. [hands hero to Colin] Just flick the switch and watch her go.
[Colin takes the hero with a look of disgust and attempts halfheartedly to turn it on. Joy switches the dial, and it makes a sound like a small chain saw.]
Colin: Good God.
[Joy snatches it away from him and turns it off.]
Joy: So, rub it, smack it, let her attack it. [haltingly] Its… its okay, cause its my hero. [holds it next to her face] My hero…
[Laughter and applause as she sets it aside.]
Joy: I know what youre thinking, Colin.
Colin: You couldnt possibly.
Joy: You are thinking, Hey, Joy. What about him? Well, start practicing your catcalls, Colin, cause everyone will be wearing a hardhat when she walks on the construction site in this number…
[She climbs up onto the desk and pulls off her sweater to reveal a multicolored, flowered slip.]
Joy: Here you go. Its called Stairway to Heaven.
Colin: Whoa!
[She shyly tugs at the bottom of the slip as the audience gives laughs, cheers, and wolf whistles.]
Joy: Made of a comfortable polyester blend. Turn your night of passion…
[She slowly lowers herself onto the desk in a suggestive pose, aiming her rear end squarely at Colin Quinn.]
Joy: Into a… into a dangerous safari as he hunts down this–wildcat. Hey, hey, Colin? Got milk? Purr…
[riotous squeals of laughter]
Colin: Excuse me, Joy, maybe you should get down before you get hurt.
Joy: [easing off desk] Im all right, Ive done this before…
[She suddenly slips onto the floor behind the desk. Colin reaches over to help, but she springs back to her feet.]
Joy: Its okay. Uh-oh, I think its getting hot in here. [sits down unsteadily] So, Colin, on Valentines Day… [turns to him]
Colin: [points] Out, out there.
Joy: On Valentines Day, youve got it goin on down at The Erotic Attic. Tell em Joy sent you.
[She fiddles with her right hand for a second, makes a brief OK sign to herself, then abruptly licks her finger and presses her bare left arm.]
Joy: Sssst.
Colin: Joy Lipton, everybody! Joy Lipton!
[wild cheers and applause]
Colin: Im Colin Quinn. Thats my story, and Im stickin to it!
[He giggles and cringes as Joy tickles him under the chin with the vibrating hero. She tickles his body with it for a second, then FADE to black.]
Nadeen…..Cheri Oteri Fall Victim…..Chris Parnell Orderly…..Jimmy Fallon Motorcyclist…..Tim Meadows Motorcyclists Wife…..Ana Gasteyer Man with Severed Hand…..Tracy Morgan Man with Headache…..Darrell Hammond Dr. Montgomery…..Julianna Margulies
[FADE IN on an ambulance pulling up to a hospital, and then FADE to the e/r. A patient is gingerly being pushed in a wheelchair toward a hallway, and suddenly a man walks briskly up to the desk. He has a deep gash above his left eye, and blood trickles down his cheek.]
Fall Victim: Excuse me? Excuse me. Uh, hi, hi, I need some help here? Hi? Can you help me? Please?
[The receptionist turns around and notices him. With her hair stacked up and a large mole near the corner of her mouth, she sets down a clipboard and walks toward him.]
Nadeen: Simma down na.
Fall Victim: I, I need to see a doctor right away.
Nadeen: I just said to simma DOWN na!
Fall Victim: What?
Nadeen: [shouting] SIMMA DOWN NA! Cant ya HEAH? I wantya ta simma down na, and tell me just what OCCUHED.
Fall Victim: What occuhed is, I fell from my apartment balcony and gashed my head on a sprinkler.
Nadeen: Looks like ya cracked ya noggin, there! [reaches up and knuckles his forehead]
Fall Victim: OW! God!
Nadeen: How many stories?
Fall Victim: How–what? How many–
Nadeen: How many stories ya DROP, na?
Fall Victim: One. One, one floor.
Nadeen: Just one? Have a seat. [points to chairs]
Fall Victim: [frantic] What? Not enough floors to get my head stitched up?!
Nadeen: Sir, on behalf of Augustus General, Id like to invite you to SIMMA DOWN NA! [thrusts a clipboard at him] Now, kindly fill out these forms and have a seat over HEAH! [points to chairs] No blood on da clipboard, na!
[He walks slowly away, and then an orderly comes in from the hallway and pushes a patient in a wheelchair slowly near the desk.]
Nadeen: [rushing around desk] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow it DOWN na! Slow it DOWN na!
Orderly: [puzzled] I wasnt going that fast.
Nadeen: What you think, this is a Doc Daytona Five Hundra? Huh?
Orderly: What?
Nadeen: Where da brake?
Orderly: What?
Nadeen: Where da BRAKE?
Orderly: [points down to wheels] There.
Nadeen: USE it, na! Now get! GET!!
[After she shoos them away, a man and a woman rush into the room.]
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Excuse me, excuse me, my husbands been in a motorcycle accident, I think hes broke his wrist!
Motorcyclist: [painfully] Yeah, I, I cant move it!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Its swelling up really badly.
Nadeen: [shouting] All right, everybody SIMMA DOWN NA!!
Motorcyclist: Listen, I would love to simmer down now, but you see, my wrist is shattered, so I would encourage you to ADMIT me now.
Nadeen: Sir, your sass is unappreciated heah. So before your other wrist becomes shattahed, I suggest you fill out these forms, and have a seat, and then simma down…
Motorcyclist: And simmer down now, right?
Nadeen: Thats cor-rect!
[The couple starts walking toward the hallway.]
Nadeen: Not over there! Over HEAH! [points to seats]
Motorcyclist: Where?
Nadeen: Over HEAH! What, did ya shattah ya hearing drum in addition?!
Motorcyclist: [outraged] Who the HELL do–
Nadeen: Hey!! Hey!! Hey!! [imitates shifting gears] Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii–mmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa–doooooooooooooooooooooooooowwn–na! [pretends to lock gearshift] Simma down na!
[cheers and applause]
Motorcyclist’s Wife: [evenly] Youre a freak!
Nadeen: Simma.
[As the two walk away, a man walks up in a mechanics jacket. His right arm is a bandaged stump at the end, and he carries a bag in his left.]
Man With Severed Hand: Excuse me, excuse me, Ive been simmering for about three hours. I think Im gonna pass out. I dont know how much longer my hand can last.
[He raises a plastic bag which holds a severed hand on ice.]
Nadeen: Sir, sir, may I ask you to help yourself to this magazine… [hands it to him] …while I contact ya proper insurance carriah. Now tell me, who has your association been with? Blue Cross? Blue Shield?
Man With Severed Hand: No, Im with an HMO.
Nadeen: Well, in that case, I want you ta take this War and Peace… [hands him thick copy of War and Peace] …sit yaself down on a low heat, and continya to simma.
[He walks morosely away.]
Nadeen: [lifts bag] Take ya hand na!! Take ya hand na!!
[He fetches his hand and scurries back. A moment later, a man in a leather jacket walks up with a cigarette in his hand.]
Man With Headache: [calmly] Hi. I think I got a headache.
Nadeen: [points toward hallway] Sir, go right inside those doors, right there, suh!
[He walks nonchalantly toward the hallway. The motorcyclist, his wife, and the fall victim all storm up to the desk.]
Fall Victim: Wait a minute!
Motorcyclist: What the HELL?!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Thats not fair!!
Nadeen: [holds up hands] SIMMA! SIMMA! SIMMA! Everybody SIMMA DOWN NA!!! All right. Now you have made a valid obsahvation. And since the squeaky wheel get the grease, I will provide medical assistance TA ya! [into microphone] Pagin Doctah Montgomra. Doctor Montgomra. Please! We need ya help up in heah! Doctor Mont-Montgomra.
[Dr. Montgomery walks in with a white smock and a wavy bouffant.]
Nadeen: Here she come.
Fall Victim: Finally!
Dr. Montgomery: [in professional voice] Nadeen, Im sorry for the delay. [to patients] What seems to be the problem?
[All the patients talk at once.]
Motorcyclist’s Wife: My husband had a motorcycle accident!
Motorcyclist: My wrist is shattered, maam!
Fall Victim: My head is bleeding profusely!
Dr. Montgomery: [holds up hands] WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! EVERYBODY SIMMA DOWN NA!!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: WHAT?!
Motorcyclist and Fall Victim: WHAT?!
Dr. Montgomery: What part of simma down da ya na understan?! The simma, the down, or the na?!
Motorcyclist: But we just want some… some…
Dr. Montgomery: [holds up an 8×10 of David Schwimmer] WHO DIS?!
Motorcyclist: [confounded] Schwimmer?
Dr. Montgomery: [holds up a copy of The Wall Street Journal] Whats da average listed heah?
Fall Victim: The Dow?
Dr. Montgomery: What a beava do to a log?
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Uh, it, it gnaws on a log?
Dr. Montgomery: Put it all together na!
Motorcyclist: Schwimmer Dow gnaw?
Dr. Montgomery: Try it again! [to Chris] You!
Fall Victim: Uh, Schimmer Dow now?
Nadeen: Close but no cigah.
Dr. Montgomery: Last chance, FOR da MONEY!!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: Uh… simmer down now?
Nadeen: WHOA! Winner!
Dr. Montgomery: [loudly] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, we have a winna! You can go ahead in, maam!
Motorcyclist’s Wife: [squealing like a game show contestant] I WON, I WON, I WON!!
[She races through the doors into the hallway. Her husband and the fall victim look after her.]
Motorcyclist: [points to broken wrist] Wait a minute! No!! No!
Dr. Montgomery: You best simma!
Nadeen: Na, na!
Dr. Montgomery: Na!
Nadeen: Na, na!
Dr. Montgomery: Na!
Nadeen: Simma na!
Dr. Montgomery: Simma na!
Nadeen: [points to chairs] Sit down there and simma na!
[FADE IN on a band playing in a nightclub. William Shatner, wearing a black leather jacket over a brown shirt and blue jeans, stands onstage.]
Announcer: And now, William Shatner for priceline!
[Shatner picks up the microphone as the band plays the chorus to We Gotta Get out of This Place by the Animals. Shatner starts vaguely singing along, but soon makes no attempt whatsoever to follow the band as it keeps playing.]
William Shatner: We gotta get outta this place! [pause] Now you can, too, with priceline.com! YOU… can order groceries online, yeah! YOU: order fish, ham, cider, raisins, shrimp, jelly, YOU spend an hour, just one hour online! You can save… 12 or 13 CENTS, baby! I used to spend hours haggling with the grocery clerk over the price of a can of corn, but he wouldnt budge! Id be there for, I dunno, HOURS, you know, saying, Id say, Look: a dollar twenty-nine is kinda steep for a can of corn, dont you think? Hed say, I… dont make the rules! I just work here, then I would say, How… about a buck? Again he would claim to just… WORK here, and Id say, Look? Dont you know me? Im Bill Shatner, Captain Kirk from Star Trek, can you cut me some slack on this can ocorn? He said hed never heard of the show, so I ran out of the store… with the can o corn. The kid chased me down, he tackled me in the parking lot and beat me pretty savagely with the can of corn. None of this woulda happened if they had priceline.com! Save money with priceline! We gotta get OUTTA this PLACE! Yeah.
[SUPERIMPOSE priceline.com, name your own price, airline tickets, hotel rooms, new cars, mortgages, groceries. FADE to black as the crowds in the film and in the studio all applaud.]
Air Date: