SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Julianna Margulies’ Monologue

Dr. Mathaway…..Julianna Margulies
Nurse…..Cheri Oteri
Pet Owner…..Chris Parnell
Manuel…..Noah Wylie

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Julianna Margulies!

[PAN down from the blinking “ON AIR” light to center stage, where Julianna walks out and acknowledges applause. She wears a red-orange turtleneck sweater and brown leather pants.]

Julianna Margulies: Thank you very much, thank you! Ohhh! I can’t tell you how happy I am to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”!! [cheers and applause] As most of you know, this is my last season on “ER.”

[The audience goes “awwww” in disappointment, and she smiles, flattered.]

Julianna Margulies: Thanks! That’s nice. Don’t get me wrong, I really do love doing the show, but you know… [sounding stressed] After six years, I cannot tell you how wonderful it will be not to have to say: “Possible venticular tagurhythmia, parenteral lavage, BP 180 over 100, Ladocaine 20 milligrams I.V.!”

[She spins her finger and rolls her eyes as audience applauds.]

Julianna Margulies: They did, um, they did offer me quite a lot of money to stay on the show, and I turned them down, and many of you may think that I’m crazy, you know, but for me, life is all about taking risks and challenging yourself. [grins] So I’m doing a brand-new series on NBC. I hope you love it as much as I do. Okay? [pauses in anticipation] Here’s a new clip of my show!

[FADE to the opening sequence of “ER,” then SUPERIMPOSE caption, “er: special veterinary unit.” CUT to a full-sized gurney being wheeled into a frantic emergency room. A small guinea pig lies motionless on the gurney with corn chips sprinkled around him an I.V. inserted in its body.]

Dr. Mathaway: All right, here we are. Nice and easy, nice and easy. On my count: One… two… three.

[They gingerly lift the stretcher onto the bed.]

Dr. Mathaway: [putting on stethoscope] All right. Prep him. Give me his vitals.

Owner: [fearfully] His name is Peanuts!

Nurse: He went from a Grade-A pulse to a flat line. Let’s get these chips off him!

Owner: He looked hungry, so I fed him some of my cajun pizza!

Nurse: [points to pet owner] All right, get him out of here!! Somebody get him out!!

[Two orderlies hustle the owner out.]

Dr. Mathaway: Possible venticular tagurhythmia, prep for parenteral lavage, BP 180 over 100, Ladocaine 20 milligrams I.V. Give me the paddles!

[An orderly hands her two black plastic paddles.]

Dr. Mathaway: 60 volts! [places paddles on guinea pig] And clear!

[When they turn on the juice, Peanuts jumps about two feet off the gurney and flops back down.]

Nurse: All right, stand by the paddles, we’re going again.

Dr. Mathaway: No, no. Just wait… [intensely] I got a pulse.

[Peanuts gasps for breath.]

Nurse: She’s got a pulse!

[FADE abruptly back to the studio, where Julianna acknowledges riotous applause.]

Julianna Margulies: It’s a good show! Thank you, thank you! Thanks so much! You know, this new project means so much to me.

[CUT to a thirty-ish woman standing up in the audience.]

Woman: Excuse me, uh, I have a question.

Julianna Margulies: [looking askance at her] Um, I didn’t realize an audience member was gonna ask me a question in the middle of my monologue.

Audience member: Well, I’m not an audience member, I’m a writer on the show. I wrote what I’m saying right now.

Julianna Margulies: Okay. Uh, what’s your question?

Audience member: [in a seasoned reporter’s voice] From the clip, it looks like you’re playing exactly the same character that you did on “ER.” I mean, where’s the risk, the challenge?

Julianna Margulies: [annoyed] Um, okay. A: she’s wearing a WHITE doctor coat, not a pink one. Moron. And hello-oo, she’s a vet! I mean, it’s a completely different show. God! Take a look at another clip. [muttering] Jackass…

[FADE to Dr. Mathaway as she finishes examining a boa constrictor. An owl looks down from a perch above her, and a huge dog watches from a bed.]

Dr. Mathaway: Manuel? You are a great vet, but you’re not God. You can’t make these life-and-death decisions on your own. Do you understand?

[CUT to Manuel wearing a doctor’s coat and a very cheesy fake Mexican mustache which curls up on the ends.]

Manuel: Sì. Yo comprendo, doctora Mathaway. [sidles up to her] Yo quienso que quizas te amo.

[They embrace and lean in to kiss.]

Voice: Code blue. Trauma three. Code blue.

[They break their embrace and rush away as a horse whinnies off camera. FADE quickly back to studio and cheers.]

Julianna Margulie: You see, lady? We have such a great show for you tonight! DMX is here! [audience cheers] So stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ZOOM out on Julianna clapping along with audience, then FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25 Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Erectile Dysfunction Ad

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Doug Anthony Kimbles…..Will Ferrell
Director…..Tim Meadows
Microphone Man…..Horatio Sanz
Hannah…..Julianna Margulies

[FADE IN on a closeup of Doug’s face looking down at the floor in despair as a few melodramatic piano notes are heard in the background. ZOOM OUT very slowly to show him wearing a yellow sweater and reading a copy of “Forbes” magazine.]

Announcer: This is the face of erectile dysfunction. It’s a personal and embarrassing problem. You walk around feeling like a loser. Maybe you’re gay. Maybe you’re a eunuch. Or a wuss. Maybe you’re just a goon with a limp noodle hanging between your legs.

Doug: [in disgust] All right, all right, that’s enough!

Director: Cut!

[CUT to a wider shot as the director walks up to Doug.]

Director: Um, what’s the problem, Doug?

Doug: [anxiously] Is that what the commercial’s gonna say?

Director: Well, um, we’re still trying some different, you know, versions, but I wanted you to hear it so you can play off of it.

Doug: It seems pretty harsh.

Director: Well, it’s not about you, no. It’s about the disorder and how to treat it.

Doug: All right.

Director: Okay?

Doug: I’m sorry. I overreacted.

Director: [pats his shoulder] That’s okay, it’s okay. [turns back and claps hands] All right, come on, let’s go back to one, people! Roll playback!

[CUT to closeup of an electronic slate.]

Director: All right, people! And… action!

[The slate is pulled away to reveal Doug’s pensive face again.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. Look at it. It’s not pretty. All hang-dog and sad. Goofy-ass ears. Who does he think he’s kidding? He might as well tuck that sad weiner of his between his thighs and start wearing a dress. You know, he’s in bars, talking all big, like, “Hey, I’m a commercial actor. My name’s Doug, and–”

Doug: Okay, come on!

Director: Cut! [walks up to him] Doug, what’s the problem? That was a great take!

Doug: The voiceover guy used my real name!

Director: What? Like Robert DeNiro never plays a character named Rob?

Doug: No, it just seems slightly personal!

Director: Doug, Doug, it’s not!

Doug: All right.

Director: Okay?

Doug: Okay.

Director: [turning back] Okay, c’mon, let’s shoot this, people! We’re gonna lose the magic hour!

Microphone Man: We’re inside!

Director: [consults a clock hanging around his neck] Yeah, right, okay, ready, people! And, action!

[CUT back to Doug’s closeup.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. Doug. Doug’s got a droopy old ding-dong. I’m talking, “bl-o-o-oo.” This guy couldn’t even satisfy Mrs. Roper. You don’t believe me? Ask his girlfriend Hannah.

[ENTER Hannah from the left. She stands behind Doug and addresses the camera self-concsciously.]

Hannah: Doug can’t satisfy me. He’s very delicate and frightened in bed.

Doug: Hannah, what the hell are you doing here?

Hannah: The director said you wanted me here.

Doug: [throws down magazine] Son of a BITCH!

Director: CUT!

[Losing his patience, the director stalks up to him.]

Director: Listen, Doug! Maybe I am a son of a bitch, but I heard that you were a real ACTOR. I wanted to, you know, to challenge you with reality.

Doug: [calmly] I, I AM a real actor.

Director: What?

Doug: [agitated] I AM a real actor!!

Director: [pumped] All RIGHT, then, let’s DO this, people!! [reaches out to rub Hannah’s arm] And Hannah. You look great.

Hannah: [giggles in delight] Thank you.

Director: Yeah, good job. [claps hands] Let’s get playback ready, people! [sits back down in chair]

Microphone Man: Hey, uh… Director: [impatiently] What?

Microphone Man: The whole crew asked me to ask you if you could please, uh, stop calling us “people.”

Director: [stares at him] Sorry. It’s my signature. And action, PEOPLE!!

[CUT back to Doug’s closeup.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. His name is Doug Kimbles. He’s got big-time Nerf in his shorts. And he can’t even blame it on booze. He’s a commercial actor here in L.A., and his home phone is 1-310-555-0187.

Doug: [furious] HEY!!!

Director: [off camera] BE AN ACTOR!!!

[ENTER Hannah.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] That’s his girfriend Hannah. She’s a hot little number who likes jogging in those tight bicycle pants. Hey, Hannah, what’s the worst part about being with half a man?

Hannah: I guess it’s when… I don’t know how to say this, um… when his Jimmy-stick gets all limp like a turkey neck, and then he cries, and it’s so high-pitched, and unnatural.

Announcer: Doug? What was the most embarrassing time you ever had with a woman? And would you please state your full name and look directly into camera?

Doug: [slowly] My name is Doug Anthony Kimbles. One time… I was with Hannah at the beach–

Hannah: [in horror] Oh, no, don’t, please don’t tell this one.

Announcer: TELL IT!

[The microphone screeches and rings.]

Doug: It was the afternoon, and we snuck off behind a lifeguard tower, and…

[Doug gasps once and starts crying in a high-pitched, unnatural voice. Hannah sobs in agony over his shoulder.]

Doug: [sobbing] I couldn’t do it! And when I pulled away, there were about thirty people watching!

Hannah: [clasps his shoulder] Oh, no-oo-ooo!

Doug: They all started laughing, and then I just ran down the beach with my pants around my ankles, it was awful!

Announcer: [over piano notes] This must be really hard for YOU, Hannah.

Hannah: It is!

Announcer: I’m guessing you’re a Scorpio. Am I right?

Hannah: [crying] I’m a Taurus, but that was close!

Announcer: Hey: what say we hit a potato bar and then go for a drive up the coast?

Hannah: [suddenly calm] Yeah, okay. [walks off]

Doug: [shrilly] BABY!

Director: [off camera] Very good, Doug, I know that was hard. Now, roll the product ID!

Announcer: [in a huskier voice] When life’s screwed up like this, reach for a Tootsie Roll!

[SUPERIMPOSE the caption “Tootsie Roll” underneath a dancing Tootsie Roll man and play happy electronic music.]

Announcer: Tootsie Roll! It can always get you roarin’!

[HOLD on Doug looking around in consternation, then FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

E! News Daily

Steve Kmetko…..Will Ferrell
Jules Asner…..Cheri Oteri
Donatella Versace…..Molly Shannon
Luca…..Noah Wylie
Elton John…..Horatio Sanz
Elizabeth Hurley…..Julianna Margulies

[FADE IN on the spinning “E!” logo, then FADE to a stark, white studio with two commentators sitting on stools.]

Steve Kmetko: Welcome to “E! News Daily.” I’m Steve Kmetko.

Jules Asner: And I’m Jules Asner. Coming up today on “E! News Daily,” find out what Anna Nicole Smith is planning to do next. Here’s a hint: you can smell it. But first… [laughter] ..but first, more of our exclusive coverage of Fashion Week.

Steve Kmetko: [in a clipped, fey voice] It’s Fashion Week again. The week when the world’s top fashion designers decide what seven rich people will wear this season. To get an insider’s preview of the Versace 2000 collection, I spent the week with Donatella Versace at her headquarters in Milan.

Jules Asner: [pretending to banter] Rough assignment.

Steve Kmetko: Mm, TELL me about it.

Jules Asner: [snickers] You poor thing.

Steve Kmetko: I barely survived.

Jules Asner: Oh, I feel real sorry for you.

Steve Kmetko: [snaps] Are you screwing with me? ‘Cause I will have you fired so frickin’ fast!

Jules Asner: [shocked] I, I thought we were bantering… back and forth… fun bantering.

[CUT to Kate Moss and several other models parading down the runway of a fashion show.]

Steve Kmetko: [off camera] Versace. The name means sex, skin, and rock ‘n’ roll glamour. And no one epitomizes that spirit more than Donatella Versace herself.

[FADE to Donatella in her studio. In a skimpy green dress, she stands and sensuously rubs Luca, a shirtless male model in black leather pants who stretches out on her desk.]

Donatella Versace: [in pronounced Italian accent] My philosophy is that the fashion should be SEXY, you know? Like, I feel inspired by everything which I see, you know. [slaps his stomach] Hop up. More champagne, more champagne, please, very good, come on.

[Luca stands up and walks dutifully away, and Donatella spanks him as he leaves.]

Donatella Versace: I see, like, for example, my, my dog. She get a little ear infection, so she wear the big cone collar. And I look at this collar and I think, “So SEXY,” so what do I do? I make one for Courtney Love!

[FADE to a still photo of Courtney Love at an awards ceremony with a dog collar pictured around her neck. FADE back to Versace Headquarters, where Donatella briefly picks up her cigarette but sets it down without smoking it.]

Donatella Versace: You know, eh, basically, everywhere I look, I see a type of design, you know? Like, ahhhh… [picks up a yellow “trimline” phone] …like this phone, for example. You see, so smooth, so sexy, you know, you make a little suit. [shouts to side] You know what? Make this phone into a dress! Make this! Make this!

[She yanks the phone cord out and throws it off toward the side, and then CUT to still shots of Naomi Campbell, Madonna, and Tina Turner.]

Steve Kmetko: When celebrities want to make a memorable entrance, they go straight to the House of Versace. Donatella’s clients include actors, rock superstars, AND Elton John.

[FADE to Elton behind the piano. He wears spectacles and a tux and shirt without a tie.]

Elton John: Donatella designs everything I own. She does all my suits. She designed a leather tuxedo for my Yorkie. She did a beautiful line of zebra-print after-sex towels for me ‘cause I’m sloppy. I wrote this song for her.

[A piano melody starts up which sounds vaguely like “Candle in the Wind.”]

Elton John: [singing]
Donatella, Miss Versace,
Promise me you’ll always stay Italian.
You’re a golden lady,
With hair like spaghetti,
You’re a candle in the wind,
Wait, I’ve used that already.

[speaking] Damn, I’ve gotta get back together with Bernie Taupin.

[CUT to footage of models getting their hair sprayed and their fingernails painted.]

Steve Kmetko: The day before her new collection debuts, Donatella’s office is all abuzz with last-minute fittings AND nervous energy.

[FADE back to Versace Headquarters, where Donatella stands next to Elizabeth Hurley, who is holding a flute of champagne, smoking a cigarette and wearing a long purple dress with the receiver of the yellow telephone attached right above her breasts.]

Donatella Versace: Miss Hurley is the perfect model for my dresses.

Elizabeth Hurley: [in a flawless English accent] I love these clothes. Because they’re so naughty. It’s like wearing a spanking. [sips champagne]

Donatella Versace: The dresses fit her perfectly because of these beautiful teh-tahs. [cups Elizabeth’s breasts] Oh, I love them! They’re gorgeous! I LOVE them, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Hurley: I’ve got nice teh-tahs.

[A phone suddenly beeps.]

Elizabeth Hurley: Oh! Is that my rack ringing?

[Luca walks up with a tiny cell phone and hands it to Donatella.]

Donatella Versace: Alo? Ah, Madonna! Ciao! Que va? [grabs Luca’s butt and holds onto it] Ja. Oh, ja. No.

Elizabeth Hurley: I find her clothes quite witty. For example, this phone frock is combination. You see, my teh-tahs are talking to each other on the telephone! [smiles deliciously]

Donatella Versace: [into phone] Eh, Madonna. No, don’t take sperm from him. No, I get you good sperm, okay? [puts down phone] Ah, good. Ja. Luca? Ah.

[Luca walks obediently in, and Donatella hands him a champagne glass.]

Donatella Versace: Go make a nice sperm. Put it. Go make a nice one. [She spanks him again on his way out.]

Elizabeth Hurley: God, I’m starving. Is there any more champagne?

[CUT to Kate Moss and others walking down the runway.]

Steve Kmetko: [off camera] When all was said and done, the Versace Collection was a smash, and Donatella was very pleased.

Donatella Versace: [off camera] Come on, walk like the sexy hookers.

[FADE back to Steve and Jules in the studio.]

Jules Asner: Wow, I’ll bet Italy was great.

Steve Kmetko: Oh, that is it. Don’t you EVER talk to me like that again!

Jules Asner: [shocked] Steve, I was just trying to–

Steve Kmetko: WHAT?

Jules Asner: Wha–

Steve Kmetko: You WHAT?!

Jules Asner: Nothing.

Steve Kmetko: [belligerently] Go ahead, Jules Asner! It’s your line! Intro your segment! INTRO it! [pushes her in the face with two fingers]

Jules Asner: [fighting tears] Steve, why are… why are… [quavering] How does Sarah Michelle Gellar make spinach dip? We’ll find out, after this break.

Steve Kmetko: [appalled] Oh, my God!

[He pushes the side of Jules’s head, and she tips off her stool. FADE quickly to the “E!” logo, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25 Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Crocodile Hunter

Steve Irwin…..Chris Kattan
Terri Irwin…..Julianna Margulies

[FADE IN on a globe which spins wildly and then pops apart to reveal the “Animal Planet” logo as an elephant is heard trumpeting in the background. FADE to various shots of wilderness scenery and wildlife.]

Terri: [narrating in a hushed voice] At almost 2000 feet, Oregon’s Crater Lake is not only the nation’s deepest lake, but one of the most beautiful. Today, on “Crocodile Hunter,” my husband Steve and I will experience the wondrous animals of Oregon.

[SUPERIMPOSE “The Crocodile Hunter, with Steve and Terri Taylor” over a bear fishing in a river. FADE to Steve and Terri standing on a forest set and wearing identical khaki outfits.]

Steve: [in a wildly exaggerated Australian accent] GOO’DAY!!! Welcome to “Crocodile Hunter,” where we explore the wonders of WIL’LOIFE! I’m here with m’ wife Terri!

Terri: [grinning broadly and waving] Hi! Steve, what are you gonna surprise us with today?

[Steve picks up a long snake as a rattle effect is heard.]

Steve: Ohhhhhhhhhh, looka this beauty here, Terri, huh?

Terri: [grinning] Oh, that’s a timber rattlesnake!

Steve: It sure is! Now, a rattlesnake’s VEEEEEEEEENOMOUS.

[Audience laughs as Steve holds the snake out at arm’s length.]

Steve: So it commands respect. Yeah, but looka his nice BODY structure, WOW. Nice, solid…

[The snake turns and bites him on the right wrist. Blood and venom go splattering into the air.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! OWWWWWWWWWW!!!

[Terri continues grinning as Steve writhes in pain and finally pulls the snake off his wrist, which splatters blood all over both their khaki suits.]

Steve: [smiling] THE BLOKE BIT ME!! [cackles]

Terri: Whoa, Steve, looks like that rattler gotcha pretty good!

Steve: [glances at his spurting wound] Yeah, he sure did, didn’t he?!

Terri: Nature’s strong.

Steve: Yeahhhhh!

[FADE to the opening footage of rugged mountains.]

Terri: [narrating] Steve lost an awful lot of blood, but after I sucked the venom out of his hand, we settled down to a nice picnic lunch of Oregon berries and fresh farm milk, which Steve had a little trouble keeping down. [snickers] I guess there was still some poison in his system. But then we were off and ready to continue searching for more wildlife.

[Mountain lions are seen prancing across a meadow, and then CUT to Steve holding a hawk in his left hand. Blood spots can still be seen on his shirt.]

Steve: Now, this Cooper’s Hawk is one of th’ reasons I’ve traveled so far to come to th’ United STETES!!! [laughter] I’m FASCIN’T’D b’ BERDS!!! ‘Specially Hawks! Go ahead, feed ‘em, Terri!

[PAN over to Terri dangling a chunk of raw meat in her left hand.]

Terri: Oh, he’s beauuuutifuuuul!

[PAN back to Steve.]

Steve: Yeah, he sure is, WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOA! Looka those WINGS!! Now, ever’ day’s a good day when you’re a HAWK!

[PAN back to Terri dangling the chunk of meat.]

Terri: Come on, hawk! Come on!

Steve: C’mon, baby. C’mon.

[PAN back to Steve.]

Steve: Fly over there! That’s it! Go on! Go on!

[The hawk leans forward and bites Steve on his left ear.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

[PAN back to Terri as she calmly puts down the meat and looks over to her husband.]

Steve: [off camera] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

[She waves the chunk of meat in the air for another brief moment.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAA!!!

Terri: Bye, hawk!

[PAN back to Steve as Terri walks over and examines him. Bright blood has cascaded over his left shoulder, but he grins crazily at the camera.]

Steve: Good Lordy, that hurt, Terri!!

Terri: Wow! Steve, you’re bleeding again.

Steve: [cackling] AM I? I SURE AM! Looka that! [bends down] Check this out! [holds up a dark red slice] He tooka m’ left ear completely off m’ FACE!!

[laughter]

Steve: This thing ain’t comin’ back on, huh, Terri?

[Steve raises the “ear” and tosses it up into the air.]

Steve: Here you go, little fella!

[sound effect of a loud squawk]

Steve: Whaaaaaw! [looks down to side] Whatcha got there, Terri? Whoooooooooa.

[Terri is seen holding up a frog in the palm of her hand. They both grin over it.]

Terri: Ohhhh, look! It’s a beautiful American bullfrog!

Steve: Look at the way his beauty is…

[The frog suddenly squirts clear fluid directly into his left eye.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! He just sprayed poisonous venom in m’ EYYYYYE! He didn’t give me a chance to TALK about ‘im, Terri! Feels like someone just pissed hot lava in my eye!

Terri: [gleeful] Oh, this is great stuff, Steve! I’m having such a fun time! [jumps up and down]

Steve: Ah, yeah! Me too! It sure is! I tell ya, this venom is really doin’ a number on m’ BODY. In fact, my internal organs are liquifying AS we speak. This is gonna go down as th’ HOIGHLOIGHT of m’ LOIFE!!!

[The frog squirts more venom into his face.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAAAA!! Where’d that come from?! This IS spontaneous!

Terri: [laughing] Oh, Steve, I’m so happy for you!

Steve: Yeah, I’m on cloud nine right now! [to camera] Well, that’s all the time we got on Crackadile Hun’er!

Terri: [laughing] Goodbye!

Steve: Buh-BYE!

[SUPERIMPOSE “The Crocodile Hunter, with Steve and Terri Irvin” over the two of them talking animatedly as the audience applauds. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

A Message From Hillary Rodham Clinton

Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[FADE IN on a slide with red, white, and blue stripes and SUPERIMPOSE caption, “A message from Hillary Rodham Clinton.”]

Announcer: A message from Hillary Rodham Clinton!

[FADE to Hillary standing in a modest kitchen; a bottle of Mountain Dew stands on the counter next to the sink in the background. Billy Joel’s song “Captain Jack” plays briefly in the background and then dies away.]

Hillary Clinton: [in a nasal monotone] Hello, New York!

[After a blank pause, the audience cheers wildly for several seconds.]

Hillary Clinton: This week, I officially announced my candidacy to represent your state in the U.S. Senate. And I know, if I make it here, I’ll make it anywhere!

[The audience cheers loudly as Bill Clinton walks into the room behind her. When Hillary resumes, he pretends to notice the camera innocently.]

Hillary Clinton: Now, some critics called my speech wooden, and studied…

[Audience continues laughing at the President standing behind her right shoulder. He picks up a slice of pizza and starts chomping down on it.]

Hillary Clinton: …so I wanted to take this time to show you the new Hillary! The real Hillary! Up close and personal, here in my Chappaqua home, where I live with my husband of 24 years.

Bill Clinton: Don’t mind me, I’m just gettin’ a snack!

Hillary Clinton: Bill and I are here in my favorite room of the new house, the kitchen. I can’t wait to prepare some food dishes in this kitchen. Such as salads and toast. Because I LOVE cooking for my family.

Bill Clinton: [leans in past her] She is ONE HELL of a cook–I swear to God.

Hillary Clinton: Bill, do you mind? I’m talking to my fellow New Yorkers.

Bill Clinton: Sorry, honey. [walks off camera]

Hillary Clinton: You see? That was the NEW Hillary. The OLD Hillary would have yelled, “Get out of here, you camera hog.” She would have said, “This is MY campaign, for once! [raises voice] I kept my mouth shut a long time for you!!”

[Bill starts to re-enter the shot, but backs away in a flash at Hillary’s furious tone.]

Hillary Clinton: “But this is about ME!! ME!! You GOT me, Bill?!”

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: But that was the OLD Hillary. Now let me point out to you some more differences between the old Hillary and the new Hillary. The OLD Hillary was rigid, and awkward.

[SUPERIMPOSE caption at bottom reading, “OLD HILLARY: rigid, awkward.”]

Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary is loose, and easy.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “NEW HILLARY: loose, easy going.”]

Hillary Clinton: Going.

[As the audience howls with laughter, Bill pours himself a glass of Mountain Dew in the background. He drinks it while she keeps talking.]

Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was a strident women’s libber.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “OLD HILLARY: women’s libber.”]

Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary’s had her eyes done.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “NEW HILLARY: eye job.”]

Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was dykey, and threatening.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “OLD HILLARY: dykey, threatening.”]

Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary is motherly, and warm.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “NEW HILLARY: motherly, warm?” Over her shoulder, Bill looks at the camera in disbelief and slinks away.]

Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was driven by blind ambition and fueled by rage over her wasted potential and her husband’s chronic skank-pronging!

[SUPERIMPOSE, “OLD HILLARY: driven by ambition,” “fueled by rage,” “married to skank-pronger.” Bill pops back in, gives a thumbs-up, and silently mouths, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” He steps out again.]

Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary has shorter hair.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “NEW HILLARY: new hairdo!!!”]

Hillary Clinton: People of New York, I WANT to be your senator. Now, Rudy Giuliani says I’m not a real New Yorker.

[Bill steps back in wearing a Yankees cap.]

Hillary Clinton: To which I say: [in Brooklyn accent] “Ey: fuhgedaboudit! I LOVE New York!!”

[Bill bursts out laughing hysterically and puts a hand on her shoulder.]

Bill Clinton: [gives thumbs-up] She is SO good, AND charming… [steps back]

Hillary Clinton: I WANT to be your senator!

[Bill starts beckoning the camera toward him. While Hillary continues droning, the camera zooms slowly in on him and crowds her out completely.]

Hillary Clinton: I’m a new woman, and a new Democrat, and I want to BE your senator. For the first time in my life, I am gonna step out of my husband’s shadow, and finally say…

Bill Clinton: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

The Bloder Brothers

Clair…..Ana Gasteyer
Cindy…..Julianna Margulies
Kip Bloder…..Jimmy Fallon
Wayne Bloder…..Chris Parnell

[FADE IN on carports with “MARRIOTT MARQUIS HOTEL” printed on the side of each awning. FADE to the empty bar. Clair, the bartender is wiping down the bar when Cindy walks in smoking a cigarette.]

Clair: Hi. What can I get you?

Cindy: [quickly] Mandarin Cosmopolitan–you know what, make it two of ‘em.

Clair: Long day?

Cindy: [sounding stressed out] I just spent eight hours sitting through a realty workshop.

Clair: Ughhh. Sounds rough. I tell you what, I’ll give you two, all right? They’re both on me. My name’s Clair, if you need anything.

Cindy: [smiles] Oh, thanks, I’m Cindy.

Clair: Nice to meet you.

[CUT back to a wider shot of the bar. Two dorky-looking young men have suddenly appeared sitting very low at the bar to Cindy’s right. Both have very curly hair; one wears a suit, and the other a dark orange sweater.]

Wayne: Uh, we couldn’t help overhearing you order a “Mandarin Cosmopolitan”?

Kip: Uh, we were thinking about ordering one, too–uh, hope it’s a drink!

[Both men laugh stupidly for a long moment.]

Wayne: I hope it’s not a new car. [both laugh] I’m already driving a piña colada.

[They keep laughing as Cindy smokes her cigarette and stares at them in disbelief.]

Kip: My name’s Kip Bloder, this is my brother Wayne.

Cindy: [dryly] That would make you the Bloder brothers.

[Both of them again laugh stupidly.]

Wayne: We got a live one here–not like the ones in our basement.

[forced laughter]

Kip: Don’t be afraid. [laughs]

Wayne: Be VERY afraid. [laughs]

Kip: No, really, don’t be afraid, uh, we’re only kidding.

Wayne: Or ARE we?

[forced laughter]

Clair: Wayne, Kip, why don’t you leave the lady alone?

Cindy: Oh, don’t worry, Clair. I don’t think these Muppets here could hurt me.

[The brothers laugh as if shocked by her words.]

Kip: Well, I, for one, just changed my name to Elmo. Tickle me… [laughs]

Wayne: Uh, can you tell me how to get to “Sesame Street”?

Kip: No, but I can tell you how to get to “Insult Boulevard.” [points in Cindy’s direction] It’s right over there. [both laugh]

Wayne: Good one.

[The brothers continue to laugh annoyingly.]

Wayne: Uh, I think overheard you tell the bartender your name is Cindy?

Cindy: [snuffs out cigarette] Uh, yeah, that’s right, but why don’t you just refer to me as “not in a million years”?

[Brothers laugh loudly]

Kip: Ouch!

Wayne: I felt that one. Put your gloves down, Cassius Clay!

Cindy: [grinning] I’m going for the knockout!

Kip: You are already a knockout!

[Amazingly, Cindy joins in and laughs as hard the the brothers.]

Cindy: Oh, God. I didn’t think I was gonna laugh tonight!

Kip: Want another laugh? Guess what we do for a living.

Cindy: Well, it can’t be as boring as real estate. Go ahead.

Wayne: Uh, buckle up, here it comes. [laughs]

Kip: We calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

Cindy: [raises finger in air] Ding, ding, ding, I think we have a winner!

[All laugh heartily]

Cindy: Or, should I say, “losah”!

Brothers: [in unison] HI-HO!!

[Cindy reaches over and digs in her box of cigarettes, but it is empty.]

Cindy: Oh, hey, I gotta go get more cigarettes, I’ll be right back. [walks off behind brothers] Why don’t you watch my seat?

[Now genuinely surprised, the brothers laugh and look at each other in disbelief.]

Clair: Boy, you guys, this is the longest time a woman has ever talked to you!

Wayne: Hey, I don’t care whose dream it is, don’t wake me!

Kip: [points to himself] More sleeping pills, please! [laughs]

Wayne: Hey, if I do wake up, please hit me with a mallet! [laughs]

[Cindy walks back in with a fresh pack of cigarettes.]

Cindy: Ohhh, I’m back. I hope you don’t mind if I smoke. [lights a cigarette]

Wayne: Um, you’re ALREADY smokin’.

[Both brothers snicker for a long moment.]

Kip: [pointing toward his throat] I’m suffering from smoke INHALATION.

Cindy: [flirtatiously] Want me to give you some mouth-to-mouth?

[All laugh]

Kip: Yikes.

Wayne: [momentarily nonchalant] Uh, you are, you’re one hot realtor, Cindy.

Cindy: [suggestively] Hey… what do you say we check out my room upstairs, huh?

[The brothers are stunned to silence.]

Wayne: Uh, I’ll, I’ll show you my piece of land if you show me yours.

Cindy: Let’s go!

[The brothers laugh nervously.]

Cindy: Let’s go up to my room. Come on, I’ve got a minibar… [in a husky, sexy voice] We’ll smoke some pot…

[The brothers appear mortified.]

Wayne: Uh, uh, uh, unfortunately, uh, we left all our pots in the kitchen.

Cindy: Come on, let’s take the party upstairs. I mean, isn’t that where all this is heading anyway?

[The brothers fidget silently.]

Cindy: [a bit pleadingly] Let’s go!

Kip: Go, go, Gadget.

Cindy: [losing patience] That’s so lame, you two are shaking like a leaf! I mean, come on, are we going or not?

Wayne: Uh, knock, knock, who’s there?

Cindy: I can’t believe this. [rises to leave] Bad Day, Part 2: I can’t even get laid by the Bloder brothers!

[Cindy stalks out of the bar.]

Clair: Nice work, gents! The earth just, uh, collided with Mars, a pig just flew by, and hell just froze over! You BLEW it, losers!

Kip: [teasingly] Why don’t you tell us what you REALLY feel?

[They begin to laugh as before.]

Wayne: I mean, we like things fast, but that was the Indy 500!

[The brothers laugh again for a moment, and then grimace in unison and begin to cry softly. They alternate laughing and crying for a moment.]

Wayne: Hey, Clair, could you call our dad and ask him to come pick us up, please?

[They keep laughing and crying by turns. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

The Bird Family

Mom…..Ana Gasteyer
Dad…..Will Ferrell
Paul…..Chris Parnell
Karen…..Julianne Margulies
Nathan…..Chris Kattan

Mom: (entering with food) Oh, please… please everyone dig in, don’t wait for me.

Paul: Mom this smells delicious. I’m starving, all I’ve had today is a smoothie.

Dad: Before we get too carried away I’d just like to welcome Karen to our home and to our table.

Karen: Oh, thank you. That is so sweet, Mr. Blake.

Dad: Please, call me Cornelius.

Karen: Well, thank you Cornelius.

Mom: I just have to say, Karen, that Paul must really like you if he’s bringing you over to the house on just your second date.

Dad: Absolutely.

Karen: Oh, well Paul and I had such a wonderful first date I thought, why not, what have I got to lose.

Paul: Well be careful, you might become the daughter they never had. Dad, do you mind?

Dad: Oh, sure. (begins cutting up Nathan’s chicken) Karen, I need to ask you something (begins chewing up chicken) is your father Dale Anderson?

Karen: Do you know my father?

Dad: I have know Dale Anderson, we have known Dale Anderson, for twenty years. We started at the same plant together. (spits chicken into PAUL’s mouth) And, ah, and then, I got transferred when the kids were really little.

Mom: Yeah, in fact I think that you guys probably played together when you were little.

Paul: The chicken is so great, Mom.

Mom: Oh, thank you sweety.

Karen: What just happened?

Paul: Oh, that, we played together when we were little kids. Kinda neat, huh?

Dad: Here comes some corn!

Paul: All right!

(DAD spits chewed up food into his mouth)

Mom: Corn is my specialty

Paul: Mmmm, mmm. Mom, you are on your game tonight.

Mom: Oh, thank you.

Karen: What are you guys doing?

Dad: I’m feeding him.

Karen: Yes, I see that. But why that way?

Paul: Karen, I thought I told you, my salivary glands don’t function properly. And on top of that, I have really weak teeth.

Mom: They’re like little pieces of chalk.

Paul: Mom, they’re not that soft. I’m not a baby.

Karen: Paul, you never told me about this.

Paul: Are you sure? I- I could have sworn I told you.

Karen: No, Paul, you didn’t tell me. I think I would have remembered if you’d told me your father chews your food for you and spits it up into your mouth!

Mom: Do you need some butter, Karen?

Dad: I know I do. (butters his bread)

Paul: Karen, did we not have a wonderful first date?

Karen: Well… yes, it was great. It’s just that, you know, right now I’m feeling incredibly uncomfortable.

Dad: Well you’re going to feel even more uncomfortable if you miss out on this delicious sourdough. Paul?

Paul: Yeah.

(DAD spits bread into his mouth)

Karen: Ok, isn’t there any other way you guys can do that?

Dad: He’s got no saliva!

Paul: Dad, don’t ruin this.

Dad: No, Paul, I’m not going to ruin anything, but I get tired of this! Now Karen, do you have any idea how many women Paul has brought here for dinner that just turn around and run through that front door after the first regurgitation! But you’ve stayed! You’ve stayed for three!

Paul: Dad, please!

Dad: It needs to be said, son. There’s something special about you, Karen. I could tell it when I shook your hand. But maybe I was wrong.

Nathan: (entering) Mommy, Mommy! Joey’s dad took me to McDonald’s and he got me an apple pie!

Mom: Oh, that’s great honey!

Nathan: Hi, I’m Nathan, I’m Paul’s little brother. Hi, Paul.

Karen: Hi, Nathan, I’m Karen.

Nathan: Mommy, can I have some of my apple pie now?

Mom: Sure, sweety. Of course, yeah. (moves to bite the pie)

Nathan: No, no, I want Karen to chew it. Will Karen chew my apple pie for me?

Mom: Honey, you’re going to have to ask Karen that.

Nathan: Karen, would you… would you chew my pie for me?

(Aimee Mann’s “Wise Up” plays, over close-ups on everyone)

Karen: Nathan… I would love to chew this apple pie for you. (bites apple pie, chews it up, spits it into NATHAN’s mouth)

Nathan: Yay, yay! Apple pie!

Paul: Karen, I think I’m falling in love with you.

Karen: Oh, me too! Let’s have some dessert!

(KAREN chews more pie and feeds it to PAUL by making out with him)

Submitted by: David Faraci

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 12th, 2000

Julianna Margulies

DMX

None

Paula Pell

Noah Wyle
A Message From the First-Lady of the United StatesRecurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Julianna Margulies’ MonologueSummary: Julianne Margulies shows a clip from her new veterinary-based “ER” spoof.

Transcript

Litter CrittersSummary: Kids are bored with their pet cat until they discover the fun of molding fun toys out of cat poop.

Note: Repeat from 10/16/99.

The Bird FamilySummary: Paul Blank’s (Chris Parnell) girlfriend (Julianne Margulies) is grossed out when she discovers that his family has to pre-chew his food for him because of a medical deficiency.

Transcript

E! Fashion WeekRecurring Characters: Steve Kmetko, Donatella Versace, Elton John, Elizabeth Hurley.

Transcript

Augustus GeneralRecurring Characters: Nadeen.

Transcript

The Crocodile HunterRecurring Characters: Steve Irwin, Terry Irwin.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Joy Lipton.

Transcript

DMX performs “Party Up”

Erectile Dysfunction AdSummary: Viagra-style ad is really a front for the Tootsie Roll company.

Transcript

Savin’ ItSummary: Goodie two shoes Jessica Simpson (Cheri Oteri) hosts a talk show for virgins waiting for marriage before having sex.

DMX performs “What’s My Name”

The Bloder BrothersSummary: Free-associating losers Kip (Jimmy Fallon) and Wayne Bloder (Chris Parnell) hit on a woman (Julianne Margulies) at a bar.

Recurring Characters: Wayne Bloder, Kip Bloder.

Transcript

priceline.comRecurring Characters: William Shatner.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 11

99k: Alan Cumming / Jennifer Lopez

Uncle Jemima’s Pure Mash Liquor

Uncle Jemima…..Tracy Morgan
Sammy…..Tim Meadows
Aunt Jemima…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on “Song of the South” setting ]

Uncle Jemima: Ah, beautiful day. [bird flies by.] Well isn’t that right little fella?

[sits down and looks at camera] Lemme ask you a question-do you like drinkin’? Hell, you like drinkin’. Who the hell don’t? Well, if you’re like me – you like to get bent just as fast as possible. That’s why I’m proud to introduce to you, Uncle Jemima’s Pure Mash Liquor.

I’m Uncle Jemima. You probably know my wife, Aunt Jemima, the Pancake Lady.

Now, she says that sellin’ booze is degradin’ to our people. I always say that black folk ain’t exactly swellin’ up with pride on account of you flippin’ flapjack! Ain’t I right, Sammy?

Sammy: Listen, don’t get me in this mess.

Uncle Jemima: Then she say, “But why booze?” And I says, “Sell what you know”, and I know about booze.

Uncle Jemima’s Pure Mash Liquor has a 95% alcohol content, and that’s per volume.

Sammy: What the hell does that mean?

Uncle Jemima: [swatting at cartoon birds] That means you get f**ked up for less money!

Hook a brotha up. Buy some of my pure mash liquor and let’s show that old b*tch there’s more to this world than just makin’ pancake.

Aunt Jemima: [ exits house banging pot ] Pancakes is ready!

Uncle Jemima: Aw, you shut up, Woman! You’re not gonna ruin this for me! [ swats at cartoon birds flying around him ]

Sammy: [ playing checkers ] Whatchoo swattin’ at?

Announcer: Uncle Jemima’s Down-Home Mash Liquor. More fun than pancakes.

Uncle Jemima: [ running through yard swatting cartoon birds and kicking cartoon pigs ] I just want to make liquor..!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 5th, 2000

Alan Cumming

Jennifer Lopez

None

Ben Stiller
Breakfast in New HampshireRecurring Characters: George W. Bush, John McCain, Alan Keyes, Al Gore, Bill Bradley.

Montage

Alan Cumming’s Monologue

Uncle Jemima’s Pure Mash LiquorSummary: Drunken Uncle Jemima (Tracy Morgan) hawks his homemade booze.

Transcript

Fried Chicken Dreams ForeverSummary: VH-1Biopic recalls John Lennon’s (Jimmy Fallon) and Paul McCartney’s (Alan Cumming) chicken enterprise.

Recurring Characters: John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Yoko Ono.

The CulpsRecurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobby Mohan-Culp.

Dog ShowRecurring Characters: Miss Colleen, David Larry.

The Heat Is OnSummary: In a film by Adam McKay, Wes (Ben Stiller) bets that he can get Glenn Frey (Will Ferrell) in bed.

Jennifer Lopez performs “Feelin’ So Good”

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Siegfried and Roy’s Night of 1000 TigersRecurring Characters: Siegfried, Roy.

Hello DollyRecurring Characters: Deana Nolan-Gray.

Jennifer Lopez performs “Waiting For Tonight”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts