Langford T. Belmont…..Will Ferrell Carl…..Chris Parnell
[ open on horse farm ]
Langford T. Belmont: Life’s a little simpler ’round here in the country. We move at our own pace. A little slower, and a little old-fashioned. Sometimes, that’s the best way to get things done. Hi, I’m Langford T. Belmont. You know, they say that people don’t care about quality and tradition nowadays. Well, maybe I’m old fasioned, but around here we do things the way they ought to be done. That’s why we make our glue the old fashioned way. Out of horses. (holds up product)Colonel Belmont’s Old Fashioned Horse glue. Made the old fashioned way. Out of 100% dead horse. In 1908, my great-grandfather, Nathaniel Belmont, had one simple notion. Cut the hooves off of horses like ol’ Chestnut here and make glue out of them. And his idea soon became the world’s finest all-natural adhesive.
Carl: [ making a pot of boiling horse glue ] How does this batch look, Mr. B?
Langford T. Belmont: Needs more horse, Carl.
Carl: Yes, sir. [ picks up ax ]
Langford T. Belmont: You know that it takes four fully-grown horses to make just one bottle of our glue? And that we use only the choicest hooves, plus some bone, hair, internal organs, whatever gets caught in the machine. Everything else we just throw away to rot. That’s our promise of quality. So when it comes time to fix that refridgerator magnet or put together a little house of popsicle sticks, you don’t want some cheap synthetic glue. You want pure mutilated horse paste.
Carl: [ with a wheelbarrow full of horse hooves ] Horse coming through!
Langford T. Belmont: [ laughs ] Colonel Belmont’s Old Fashioned Horse Glue. Made the old fasioned way. Out of horses.
Dr. Beaman…..Will Ferrell Nurse Jennifer…..Rachel Dratch Tom…..Chris ParnellKathy…..Molly Shannon Dr. Poop…..Tim Meadows
[ open on Dr. Beaman sitting behind his desk, talking on the phone ]
Dr. Beaman: I’m sorry, you have the wrong number. No, there’s no “Mark” here. My name? It’s Mark. No.. I spell it with a C. Who put you up to this? What do you mean you’re my “wife”? O-kay.. if you’re my “wife”, what’s our cat’s name? [ a beat ] Mr. Stitches. Damn, you’re good! [ hangs up ]
[ Nurse Jennifer enters ]
Nurse Jennifer: Doctor? The Framinghams are here to see you.
Dr. Beaman: Oh, good. Send them right in.
Nurse Jennifer: By the way, can I get Tuesday off for a modeling job?
Dr. Beaman: Absolutely.
[ Jennifer exits, as the Framinghams enter ]
Dr. Beaman: Hi. Hello. Tom.
Kathy: Hello, Doctor!
Dr. Beaman: Very good to see you. Please, have a seat.
[ The Framinghams sit ]
Kathy: So, how is our baby?
Dr. Beaman: Well, I.. I don’t want to keep you in suspense here, so we’ll just get right into it. [ phone rings ] Hold on. [ answer phone ] Hello? Beverly! How the hell- what?! NO!! Old Chester? A palimino? They’re beautiful! Ye-es! They’re gorgeous! Beautiful, golden fur! Uh-huh! Yes! Why, I’ve got all the time in the world!
Tom: [ clears throat ]
Dr. Beaman: Ohhh. Actually, Beverly, I should go.. One of my patients is being a real knob-job.
Tom: Excuse me?
Dr. Beaman: Yeah! That was him. You know how it is, Beverly. [ chuckles ] Alright. What’s that? No. No, he doesn’t look like that – close, though! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! [ notices Tom is staring at him ] He’s looking at me right now.. His big, sweaty, gat face.. sucking in air like a dying fish. You should see ‘im. Between you and me, I’d like to stomp on his head ’til my foot’s covered in brains.
Kathy: We can hear you!
Dr. Beaman: At least his wife’s got a big enough ass for a nice roll in the hay. Alright, Beverly! Goodbye, old friend! [ hangs up ] Sorry, I was just, uh.. subscribing to some magazines.
Tom: No, you weren’t!
Dr. Beaman: Now, where we? Oh, right. Your father.. may never again have what we call a human face.
Kathy: What?!
Tom: We’re here about our baby!
Dr. Beaman: Who are you people?!
Tom: The Framinghams! We gave birth to a baby a week ago! And you were supposed to give us test results!
Dr. Beaman: Are you Brian and Cheryl Framingham?
Kathy: No.
Dr. Beaman: [ looking through files ] Blowfish and Funk Framingham?
Tom: No! For God’s sakes!
Dr. Beaman: Jennifer, get the F in here!!
[ Nurse Jennifer enters ]
Nurse Jennifer: Yes, Doctor?
Dr. Beaman: Who are these people?!!
Nurse Jennifer: They’re Tom and Kathy Framingham from Mount Oak. They have a baby – Shane.
Dr. Beaman: My God.. Tom and Kathy.. I-I feel like an idiot.. Of course! your son Shane! He’s fantastic! [ Framinghams sigh ] Now.. quick phone call to Beverly, to get the details on this new palimino, then I’ll give you the test results..
Tom: Now, we haven’t seen our son in a week! We want to know-
Dr. Beaman: You shut that mouth, Tom!
Tom: I will not!
Dr. Beaman: You will if you’re in my office!
Tom: I will not shut up!
Kathy: Tom! Please!
Dr. Beaman: And tell that Asian wife of yours to shut up, too!
Kathy: You are really being awful!
Dr. Beaman: Believe me, I know! But you’re all gonna need to shut up!! Are we clear on that? Good. Now, Now, I’m going to tell you this quickly, and it’s probably going to sting a little bit. Your son’s a witch.
Tom: What?
Kathy: Oh my God, no!
Tom: This is ridiculous, there’s, there’s no way to determine..
Dr. Beaman: Yes, there is, yes there is. [ shouts ] Jennifer, please send in Dr. Poop! And, yes, laugh all you want at his last name, but he is the man who could very well save your son’s life.
[ Dr. Poop enters Dr. Beaman’s office ]
Dr. Poop: Tom, Kathy.. I’m Dr. Steven Poop. I’m sorry, there’s absolutely nothing I can do for your son. But.. I can do The Robot. [ does the Robot dance ] That’ll be $5,000. Good day to you both. [ exits office ]
Tom: What the hell was that?
Dr. Beaman: Look, I couldn’t think of anything good… Uhhh… Truth is [ stifling a laugh ] ..we misplaced your baby.
Tom: [ stunned, stutters ] You.. vondruke!
Dr. Beaman: [ making a curious face ] Is that an actual curse word?
Tom: I think so.. Listen, when did you misplace our baby?
Dr. Beaman: It was right after we delivered him. I, uh.. I went out to grab a bite to eat and I forgot I had him with me. Then I met some friends for a beer.. uh.. we went to a BoDeans concert.. and, son of a vondruke, if I didn’t leave him at the concert hall! Thank God they had him, the next day at Lost and Found. [ sigh of relief from Tom ] Then, I just flat outlost him!
Tom: [ pulling himself together ] Doc.. I’ve gotta tell ya – you have angered me with your irresponsibility! And yet, at the same time, you’re a straight shooter. And I can’t fault you for that. [ a beat ] We’ll let it slide – but just this once!
Kathy: [ outraged ] Honey!
Tom: Now.. [ feeling horny ] ..let’s go start makin’ another one!
Kathy: [ slowly rises from her seat ] Euggh! You are totally grossing me out! [ runs away from Tom ] Oh, you’re being creepy!
[ Tom chases Kathy out of the office ]
Dr. Beaman: [ sighing ] Thank God.. Whew… [ starts to write on his papers, then stops ] Yikes.. [ writes some more, stops again ] That was rough! [ props his feet on his desk ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
January 15th, 2000 Freddie Prinze, Jr. Macy Gray None Lorne Michaels Angie Everhart Elian Gonzalez Press ConferenceRecurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Elian Gonzalez.
Montage
Freddie Prinze, Jr.’s MonologueSummary: Freddie Prinze Jr. is worried that his show might get cancelled when he learns that the entire cast is trying to do the show while sick with the flu.
Colonel Belmont’s Old Fashioned Horse GlueSummary: Langford T. Belmont (Will Ferrell) maintains family tradition of useing the entire horse to make a batch of glue. Transcript
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?Summary: A high-rolling contestant (Will Ferrell) wins $100, then takes the money and runs. Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin.
Boy Band Blowout 2000Recurring Characters: Emily De La Cruz, Sara THerese Longo, Jeph, Samm, Wade, Sweet T.
Jenny Craig DinnersSummary: Monica Lewinsky (Molly Shannon) promotes the line of phallic-shaped entrees. Recurring Characters: Monica Lewinsky.
Ugly ModelsSummary: A pair of ugly models (Rachel Dratch, Cheri Oteri) think men are attracted to them.
The Sopranos
Dr. Beaman’s OfficeRecurring Characters: Dr. Beaman. Transcript
Charlie RoseSummary: All Ricky Martin (Chris Kattan) and Enrique Iglesius (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) have to do is look good. Recurring Characters: Charlie Rose, Enrique Iglesius, Ricky Martin.
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Macy Gray performs “I Try”
The Giffords At HomeRecurring Characters: Frank Gifford, Kathie Lee Gifford.
Macy Gray performs “Why Didn’t You Call Me”
Flacko And Teddy’s World of Martin Luther King Day Trees
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer Vladmir Putin…..Will Ferrell
[ First-Lady Hillary Clinton is packing for her New York Senate campaign, while Bill talks on the phone ]
Hillary Clinton: Are you gonna help? The movers are waiting on me. Could you get up off your fat ass and help me pack these boxes?
President Bill Clinton: You know, Hillary, I would have helped you yesterday, but I had those peace talks in West Virginia. But I guess you moving is more important than peace for Syria.
Hillary Clinton: Well can you help me now?
President Bill Clinton: I wish I could, but I gotta call the new Russian president.
Hillary Clinton: Hmmph, how convenient.
President Bill Clinton: Trust me – it’s not like I don’t want to help you get on your way. [ into the phone ] Vladimir! Puttin’… Putin. Hey, how are you? Hey, it’s Bill Clinton. I was just callin’ to congratulate you.
Vladmir Putin: Well, it’s good to hear from you. I’m just getting rid of some of Yeltsin’s things. [ bottles on desk, picks one up at a time and tosses it into a box ]
President Bill Clinton: Well, you know, I am glad to hear you got that job. I thought because of your affiliation with the KGB, some people might be against you.
Vladmir Putin: [ assuringly ] Don’t worry. Those people are gone. Way gone, my friend.
President Bill Clinton: Well, I hope you win the election in March.
Vladmir Putin: Oh, I’ll win. I’ll win. My only competition is Gorbachev’s kid, Mikhail W. Gorbachev. Believe me, the Russian people aren’t stupid enough to vote for a guy just because he has his dad’s name.
President Bill Clinton: The American people are. [ laughs and holds a thumbs-up ]
Vladmir Putin: I know. And I just fired Yeltsin’s daughter. I’m trying to trim some of the fat.
President Bill Clinton: You should try Jenny Craig.
Vladmir Putin: Jenny Craig. Good one, I get it.
President Bill Clinton: [ laughing ] No, seriously, Putin, I’m concerned about the conflict in Chechnya.. [ Hillary picks up Bill’s Dilbert mug from his desk, breaking his concentration ] ..and I’m also concerned about my Dilbert mug. That stays here!
Vladmir Putin: [ confused ] Who’s Dilbert?
President Bill Clinton: I’m sorry. As I was saying. I must stress my concern about the crisis in Chechnya.
Vladmir Putin: Look, I know the war is wrong but it gives the Russian people a reason to feel proud.
President Bill Clinton: Well, I don’t think people should do something they know is wrong just because it makes them feel good. [ laughs, as Hillary gives him a dirty look ]
President Bill Clinton: [ groaning ] Oh.. not the look again. Not the look..
Hillary Clinton: I’m going to New York now.
President Bill Clinton: [ apethetic ] Okay. [ covering mouthpiece of phone ] Well, I’m sorry, it’s long distance.
Vladmir Putin: Do you need to go?
President Bill Clinton: [ to phone [ No, it’s cool.
Hillary Clinton: [ disgusted ] I’m leaving. I am leaving, and you won’t see me for two months. Don’t you even want to say goodbye?
President Bill Clinton: Goodbye.
Hillary Clinton: Is that it?
President Bill Clinton: [ holds his three middle fingers up ] Pick a finger. [ Hillary turns away, as Bill ends his phone call ] I’m sorry, I’m kidding. [ jumping up ] Honey, you’re my wife, and I need to give you a proper goodbye. I want you to come here. [ Hillary approaches Bill for a hug, but he pushes her back and gives her a handshake instead ] Good luck in all your future endevours.
Hillary Clinton: [ outraged ] Is that it?
President Bill Clinton: Yeah.. but, one last thing. [ to the camera ] Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
Jennifer Lopez…Cheri Oteri Puff Daddy….Jamie Foxx Doctor….Tim Meadows
[Opens with a nice office. JLo and Puff Daddy dressed in a white mink coat and hat sit across from the doctor]
Doctor: Ok. Taking this step into couple’s counseling is a very important first step. I commend both of you. Now, I understand you’re having some problems recently.
Jennifer Lopez: Ok, its the same problem we keep having over and over. Puffy and I go out, we have a good time and then somebody gets shot.
Puff Daddy: [rapping] I thought I told you that nobody got shot, I thought I told you that nobody got shot….that’s a good song, you know what I’m saying?
Doctor: So Puff…is that what happens?
Puff Daddy: Unh-unh…its like, its what I’m saying. First of all, can I give it up for Big? I want to give it up for Big.[points to the sky]
Jennifer Lopez: Puffy, Biggie’s not here,ok? He’s dead. Just shut up and go.
Puff Daddy: I’m saying, I’m just out there trying to do my thing, I’m trying to drink some Crystal with Jennifer, you know what I’m saying? Maybe write a few songs, you know what I’m saying? But its always a misunderstanding, somebody always getting shot, I’m just trying to give it up to Big, you know what I’m saying?[points to the sky]
Jennifer Lopez: See, Puffy gets crazy overprotective over me. He needs to understand that I’m valuable property, all right?
Doctor: Exactly what do you mean by that, Jennifer?
Jennifer Lopez: Well, for example.[points her tits] These are insured for $200,000 each, all right? [points her crotch] These is insured for $700,000. Ok? And this [turns to show her big ass] Mama’s seata? That’s priceless, all right?
Puff Daddy: See, that’s what I’m talking about, sometimes I think, like Jennifer’s ass, it like, attracts a bad element, you know what I’m saying? It’s big. It’s like a campfire, and it like, it radiates heat so all bugs want to warm their hands in there, you know what I’m saying? And then I got to beat them down, I just want to give it up for Biggie.[points to the sky]
Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, Biggie, Biggie….hey, at least my ass didn’t beat up a record executive, right?
Puff Daddy: You know what? That was a flagrant mis—interpreration.
Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, right. That’s what you say.
Puff Daddy: You know what I’m saying? Those are so-called facts. Calm your heels, supersalsa.
Jennifer Lopez: All right, ok. Don’t call me supersalsa. I’ll kick your Hampton’s ass back to Harlem!
Doctor: Calm down. Puffy, before today’s session I asked you to write down your feelings. Did you do that?
Puff Daddy: Yes, I did , I did.
Jennifer Lopez: Did you do it?
[Puff takes a piece of paper out of his coat and a gun falls out on the table and fires]
[BANG!]
Jennifer Lopez: Puff!
Puff Daddy: Oh, snap! I don’t know how that got in there. The playa haters always planting guns on me, cause Puff don’t roll like that, you know what I’m saying? [throws the gun over the couch and it fires again]
[BANG!]
Jennifer Lopez: Puff! See? That’s what I’m talking about.
Puff Daddy: You want this ring or something? I’ll pay for that, you know what I’m saying?
Jennifer Lopez: See?
Doctor: You want to read what you…
Puff Daddy: Yeah, I want to read it right here. I was working on it like, late last night making up some new stuff.
Jennifer Lopez: Just read it, Puff.
Puff Daddy: “Shout, shout, let it all out, this are the things I can do without, come on, you know what I’m saying? I’m talking to you, come on”
Doctor: Puffy, that’s “Tears for Fears”.
Jennifer Lopez: Puff, you can’t sample somebody else’s feelings. Try to be original.
Puff Daddy: I got an original idea. Why don’t you take some singing lessons. What’s up with that?
Jennifer Lopez: Hey! I won the MTV Video Award for Best New Ass! Mr. Good Humor Man!
Doctor: Ok, that’s enough. Ok, Puffy, I think that your aggressive behavior is compensating for an inferiority complex.
Puff Daddy: What you talking about? What you talkin about? [throws dollars to the doctor] I’ll lace you, man. You calling me inferior? I’ll lace you, you know what I’m saying? I’ll lace you.
Doctor: Listen Puffy, that is not gonna solve your problems but I do like it, thank you. [picks money up] Now, do you think this aggression you have may possibly stem from your childhood?
Puff Daddy: It’s not even like that, you know what I’m saying? Like, I have a good motha, I have a good fatha, you know what I’m saying?
Doctor: Motha? How do you spell that?
Puff Daddy: M-O, otha, you know, look, its all like I don’t care about this, I don’t even own a gun, you know what i’m saying? I don’t even know how to fire a gun, I never even seen the movie “Top Gun”, you know what I’m saying? I don’t even like to say the word bubblegum cause its so close to gun.[gun fires inside Puffy’s coat]
[BANG!]
Jennifer Lopez: Puff!
Puff Daddy:[takes the gun out] Oh man, what happened, I got this at Sharper Image, thought it was a lighter, you know what I’m saying? [throws it away and fires again]
[BANG!]
Jennifer Lopez: Puffy, all right, this has got to stop. [BANG!] Stop!
Doctor: All right, Jennifer. Just calm down. Ok? Take it easy. Take a deep breath.
[Jennifer inhales deeply, turns her big ass sideways and exhales forcefully, Jamie cracks up]
Doctor: Ok, thank you. Now Jennifer, I would like for you to look at Puffy and to tell him how you feel about him.
Jennifer Lopez: Puff Daddy?
Puff Daddy: What? That, that’s right.
Jennifer Lopez: I remember the first time we went out, you took me to the Hamptons….
Puff Daddy: Hamptons…
Jennifer Lopez: …to dinner to meet your friend Martha Stewart….
Puff Daddy: Stewart…
Jennifer Lopez: …and it was the greatest night of my life baby, until five people got stomped to death, all right. But then you cuddled with me and I knew you cared…
Puff Daddy: Cared…
Jennifer Lopez:…but then I reached down in your pants and felt that huge wad….
Puff Daddy:Look out…
Jennifer Lopez: …and I pulled it out and I went shopping with it! Oh! [Horny Jennifer jumps on Puff Daddy and straddles him on the couch]
Puff Daddy: Oh, oh, oh…
Doctor: Ok, please stop. Stop, stop, please stop.
Puff Daddy: Yo’, why you hatin’? Why you hatin’?[Jennifer climbs off]
Doctor: I’m sorry. I want to eat dinner later. Now Puffy, its time to tell Jennifer exactly how you feel in your own words.
Puff Daddy: All right. Just a second.
[Takes off the coat, turns on his radio. “Every Breath You Take” by The Police plays]
Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, Puff. Yeah, baby.
Puff Daddy: [dancing around] I’m there, I’m still there, you know what I’m saying? Yo’, yo’, [to the beat of the song] Jennifer your fresh and fruity the only reason I like you is your big old booty, I’m out there every day trying to make some cash, trying to find some pants that’ll fit over your ass, if you ever mess with me you know I’m a blast, you know what I’m saying? I mean….I want to give it up for Big, I want to give it up for Big. [points to the sky]
Doctor: All right, that was very nice and entertaining. I’m sorry but our time is up.
Jennifer Lopez: Thanks for curing us, doc. Ok, we’ll see you next week.
Puff Daddy: Let’s bounce, you know what I’m saying?
Doctor: All right, bye-bye.
Jennifer Lopez: Bye-bye.
[JLo and Puffy step outside the office. Automatic gunfire erupts]
[RAT-RAT-RATATATA]
[Puffy enters the office again]
Puff Daddy: Yo’ man! You better get out here quick! Two guys got shot! I don’t know what happened cause I don’t even own a gun, I don’t even watch the show “Gunsmoke”! I don’t even know how to spell the word gun!
Jennifer Lopez: He can’t spell.
[Puff Daddy points to the sky, Jennifer hauls him out of the office, Doctor calls the cops]
Andy: Hey, weren’t we supposed to have a company meeting about that uh….. brand new programming system?
Employee #1: Yeah, I think they’re sending the computer guy, Nick Burns, over to answer any questions.
Employee #2: I don’t like that guy.
Andy: It must be about the upgrade to the server.
Employee #1: Hey, do they have to upgrade because of Y2K?
[ Nick Enters ]
Nick Burns: Considering we work with Macintosh and they’ve always been Y2K compatible, I’d say NO.
Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, the company’s computer guy.”
Nick Burns: Over the holidays, we upgraded to the latest version of Microsoft Outlook and changed the server login ID.
Andy: So what’s the new login ID?
Nick Burns: Bradford Company slash your last name dot your first name.
Employee #2: Is there a space after Bradford?
Nick Burns: If you want it not to work, yeah. But if you want it to work smoothly, don’t use the space.
Employee #1: Hey, Nick.
Nick Burns: NO, its not case sensitive.
Employee #2: Yeah, I’m still having a little problem.
Nick Burns: Yeah, I’m having three problems. [ acknowledges the room ] What is it?
Employee #2: I just can’t find my personal address book.
Nick Burns: Did you import it from the Outlook program?
Employee #2: I think I downloaded it.
Nick Burns: You downloaded it? Well, that’s amazing considering it’s impossible. You have to import it.
Employee #2: Import through my folder…?
Nick Burns: MOVE! [ sits down ] I’m gonna teach you a lesson here. First, you open up the folder file import in the downlock box. Open Outlook 6.0 folder, find address file, and click import. Was that so hard?
Employee #2: Yeah, actually it was.
Nick Burns: They teach this kind of stuff on “Blue’s Clues”. Who’s next?
Employee #1: Hey, Nick. Happy New Year, buddy.
Employee #2: Yeah, right, maybe for you. I’m still teaching computers to dimwits!
Employee #1: I have two questions.
Nick Burns: Lemme guess, what color are your shoes, and when’s lunch?
Employee #1: C’mon, man. Look, I need to know if the new login changes my e-mail address.
Nick Burns: Of course it doesn’t, what else?
Employee #1: I can’t find my calendars.
Nick Burns: Well, genius, your hard drive doesn’t have an infinite amount of space. I had to delete that stuff to install the upgrade.
Employee #1: Is it in my view folder?
Nick Burns: [ laughs ] There’s no such thing as a view folder. LOL, semicolon, parentheses. MOVE! [ taps a few keys ] There you go, was that so hard? [ to Andy ] What’s your problem?
Andy: I just needed the logon ID.
Nick Burns: It’s like I said, Bradford Company-
Andy: I know, Bradford Company slash first name dot slash last name. I got it.
Nick Burns: You know everything. What else, what else is your problem? I don’t wanna come back here.
Andy: I figured it out already.
Nick Burns: [ curious ] Oh, really. Did you recover your bookmarks?
Andy: I imported them with my address book.
Nick Burns: What about your plugins?
Andy: Already installed them.
Nick Burns: I hope you didn’t clog up your memory doing it.
Andy: Oh, don’t worry about it, I didn’t!
Employee #2: Hey, Nick? I can’t print. What happened to my print thing?
Nick Burns: Here we go. Geez Louise.
Andy: Just hit Apple P, and it will print.
Employee #2: [ tries it ] Oh, wow, thanks Andy.
[ Andy makes a victory move ]
Nick Burns: Yeah, yeah, you could do it that way, or you could go to the print icon that’s on the left side of the screen.
Employee #2: No. This is faster. Thanks, Andy.
Nick Burns: OK, I’m gonna go. One last question, Andy. [ theme from “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly” plays ] Did you configure a rampartition for the new version of Outlook?
Andy: I didn’t think it was necessary.
Nick Burns: Well, if you wanna use your plug-ins, yes, it is. Do you know how to do it?
Andy: Yes, first, I click on the application to highlight.
Nick Burns: Then what?
Andy: Then I go to new file menu.
Nick Burns: Lucky guess.. then what?
Andy: And then I- I ah…..I-I think I ah….
Nick Burns: [ hovers ] You don’t know what to do, do you? You need old Nick’s help.
Andy: No, no, no, I can figure it out I think I just need to, uh…
Nick Burns: Well?, well? MOVE! [ taps a few keys ] There you go, its not so easy, is it, partner? [ returns Andy’s victory move ] I’m gonna go down to the third floor. Gotta teach those buffoons the new program, I’m outta here. Oh, by the way, you’re welcome.
Theme Song: “‘Cause he’s Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy.”
Randall…..Chris Parnell Female Employee…..Ana Gasteyer Angry Black Employee…..Jamie Foxx Jeffrey…..Tracy Morgan Chet…..Horatio Sanz
[ open on employees chatting with one another in the office ]
Randall: Finally, after two hours of sweaty palms and pacing, I got the nerve to walk up to her and say, “Hey, let’s get it on!” [ everyone laughs ]
Female Employee: So, what did she say?
Randall: Well.. she turned out to be one of those – what do you call them – store mannequins.
Angry Black Employee: Man, that’s nasty.
Randall: Women. You can’t live with them, you can’t live without them!
Female Employee: It was a mannequin.
Jeffrey: [ getting up ] Hey, listen, I would love to hang here all day with y’all, but I gotta go call Donnelly by three.
Female Employee: Take it easy, Jeffrey.
Angry Black Employee: Good luck with Donnelly, man.
Jeffrey: Alright, thanks. [ exits ]
Randall: [ sitting down ] What a great guy.
Female Employee: You know, he really is. I’m so glad he was hired.
Angry Black Employee: Yeah, Jeffrey’s cool! [ Chet enters the break room ]
Chet: Hey, everyone.
Angry Black Employee: Hey, Chet! What’s up, man?
Female Employee: You just missed Jeffrey.
Chet: Oh.. I don’t think I know him..
Angry Black Employee: Oh, yes, you do. He’s about 5’11”, 190.
Chet: No.
Female Employee: He’s got that really great smile?
Chet: Uh.. I don’t know who you’re talking about..
Randall: He was just hired last month.
Chet: Oh! The black guy!
Angry Black Employee: [ twitching in anger ] Wow.. man, is that what he is to you – the black guy!
Chet: No, uh.. I just didn’t know who you were talking about..
Angry Black Employee: In other words, his skin is his only identity? so, skin is the only thing you see when you see him, huh? You just see “Jeffrey, the Black Guy”, not “Jeffrey, the Guy with the Great Smile”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy’s Who There For His Friend”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Loves Movie Trivia”?
Chet: No. I didn’t say that..
Angry Black Employee: Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Speaks French – Bon Journee.” Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Took Care of My Son When He Was Sick.” To you, he’s just some Black Guy. You’ll never know “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Likes to Play Basketball”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Likes to Runs Fast”.. or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Really Loves Fried Chicken”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who’s Real Good at Dancing.” No! Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Used to Steal Cars.”
Randall: Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Calls People ‘Jive Turkeys’.”
Angry Black Employee: Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Has 15 Kids”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Smokes Crack.” How about “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Used to Work as a Train Porter”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Wants to Kidnap Some White Women”? Huh? Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Has a Large Penis”. No! You just think he’s “Jeffrey, the Black Guy.” You make me sick.
Chet: Hey.. all that stuff you said was racist!
Angry Black Employee: How so?
Chet: Smoking crack, kidnapping white women.. it’s horrible!
Female Employee: It’s who Jeffrey is!
Angry Black Employee: Look, it’s people like you who turn everything into a stereotype! I draw.. but does that make me all black people draw? I like to drive-by, and hang with my baby’s momma on the street corner. Uh-uh, does that make me just another black guy to you?
Randall: You know, I’m a white guy, and I love to sleep in a Batman costume and expose myself to tollbooth operators! Does that mean all white people do that?
Female Employee: Shut up, Randall!
Chet: Look, I’m sorry if I offended anybody. I didn’t mean it.
Angry Black Employee: Alright, man, you’re forgiven this time.
Female Employee: Sorry to take you down so hard.
Chet: Hey, how about if I took everyone out to lunch?
Randall: That sounds great.
Chet: We can ride my burro over to my adobe hut, and have tacos with Pepe and the other fifty guys that hang out in his hatchback. They’re really nice guys, they really are.
Angry Black Employee: [ putting his arm around Chet’s shoulder ] Hey, man.. that sounds nice, man. Real nice.
[ everyone exits the breakroom – a minute later, Jeffrey re-enters, grabs someone’s laptop computer, stuffs it inside his jacket and leaves again ]
Salesman … Chris Parnell Husband … Will Ferrell Wife … Ana Gasteyer
[open on Husband and Wife walking down a grocery aisle]
[Salesman runs up to them]
Salesman: Excuse me! Excuse me. What are you folks having for dinner tonight?
Wife: We’ve got some hamburger in the fridge.
Husband: Yeah.
Salesman: Oh! Great. How long’s it been there?
Wife: 5 days.
Husband: 2 days.
Salesman: [chuckles] Why don’t you try this? It’s new Hamburger Helper Antibacterial. Hamburger Helper Antibacterial combines a tangy tomato sauce, delicate spices, and Tristanex–a power antibacterial agent.
[graphic: (diphenyltristinate)]
This hamburger has been in the trunk of my car for over a week. Let’s add some Tristanex. Massage vigorously into the meat, add the noodles and seasoning, and simmer. [sniffs] That acrid smell means it’s working.
[graphic: Avoid prolonged contact with skin]
Even the freshest raw meat has it’s problems.
[graphic: e. coli 257.154]
But with Hamburger Helper Antibacterial, germ volume is cut almost in half.
[graphic: Reduced 37.99%]
Wife: [takes a bite] It stings a little at first, but then it’s really good.
Husband: Can I have more? … a lot more?
Announcer: Try Hamburger Helper Antibacterial. And say so long to salmonella with new Chicken Helper with chlorine bleach.
Announcer: And now, a special message from former castmember John Goodman.
John Goodman: Thank you, Don Pardo. I think you made a mistake, though. I was never a castmember.
Announcer: Good Lord, you sure do hang out a lot for a guy who doesn’t work here.
John Goodman: Well, these last two years, I have hung out here whenever they needed me to play Linda Tripp in a sketch. It was revealed this week that Ms. Tripp has undergone some extensive plastic surgery. She’s also dyed her hair, had liposuction and lost over forty pounds. Now, many people feel she was driven to cosmetic surgery because she was relentlessly mocked by some late-night comedy show. I’ve always considered my impression more of an homage, but.. maybe she took it the wrong way. After seeing the photos, I got a call from Lorne Michaels saying that if I still wanted to play Linda Tripp, all I would have to do is lose some weight, and he would pay for the plastic surgery. Now, I love comedy, but there’s certain things I won’t do for a laugh, and losing forty pounds is one of them. But I’m still playing her! When Linda goes to jail in Maryland, look for me! In fact, I might even slap on another twenty! [ laughs manaically ]
Announcer: This has been a message from John Goodman.
[ dissolve to interior jail cell, four inmates lying asleep between two bunk cots ]
Aaron: [ on top right cot ] Hey! Blackjack! Psst! Blackjack? You awake?
Blackjack: [ on top left cot ] Who is that?
Aaron: It’s me — Aaron.
Blackjack: [ shakes his head ] Oh.. hey, man.. What’s wrong with you? You having trouble sleeping?
Aaron: Yeah. A little bit. [ pause ] Hey! Do you mind if I ask you a question?
Blackjack: Go ahead.
Aaron: Don’t you think the food here is bad?
Blackjack: Now, is that really what you want to ask me, man?
Aaron: [ shakes his head and smiles] Oh, Blackjack, you know me too well! Okay.. I’ll juat ask you, then. It’s just something that’s been on my mind for a while, and… maybe I’m just insecure, but — am I still your bitch?
Blackjack: Huh? Man, what kind of silly question is that? Of course you still my.. BITCH!
Aaron: [ surprised ] Really? You’re not just saying that because you know I want to hear it?
Blackjack: No, man, I’m not just saying that. I mean, everybody knows that, man — you Blackjack’s BITCH! Huh? I mean… that’s the way it’s ALWAYS been, and, as far as I know, that’s the way it’s always gonna be. Nothin’ gonna change that!
Aaron: [ slightly worried ] As far as you know?
Blackjack: Yeah, that’s what I said. [ Aaron frowns ] Why you lookin’ at me all crazy, man?
Aaron: What does “As far as you know“, mean?
Blackjack: Look, I don’t know, man. I just said it. Why you actin’ all… crazy?
Aaron: I don’t know! I — I — I just feel CRAZY sometimes, like I’m… gonna do something crazy! I just feel like you’re very distant from me sometimes.
Bobo: Hey, man, what’s goin’ on? Why y’all makin’ all that noise?
Aaron: Oh. I’m sorry, Bobo. It’s my fault.
Blackjack: Aaron, look — [ to Bobo ] aaron is actin’ all crazy and everything like that, man. He wants to know if I still consider him my bi-otch!
Bobo: Oh, come on, man! Everybody knows that Aaron is Blackjack’s bitch!
Aaron: Are — are you serious? People still say that?
Bobo: Oh, all the time!
Blackjack: See? That’s what I’m sayin’, man! I ain’t sayin’ it just to be nice! It’s the God’s honest truth, man. Plain and simple — You my BITCH!!
[ beneath Blackjack, Chaco wakes up ]
Chaco: [ in a high whisper ] Blackjack really means it, Aaron!
Aaron: Oh, Chaco? Did I wake you up, too? I feel awful!
Chaco: It’s alright, Aaron. Listen… I known Blackjack for a long time — longer than ANYBODY! Longer than Bobo… longer than Double-Man… even longer than Little Joe. Believe me, when he makes you his bitch, it’s FOREVER! [ pause ] Until he kills you. [ returns to sleep ]
Bobo: Straight up, you dumb white piece of ass!
Aaron: Hey! Easy, Bobo.
Bobo: I do NOT like you!
Aaron: You know what? When I really sit down and think about it… I think I just feel insecure ’cause — ’cause I watch you, Blackjack, and you’re sitting here talking with Chaco and Bobo, and you guys are laughing it up and having a great time and… and then you don’t to me in the same way, and it feels weird, really.
Blackjack: Hey, look, man, let me give it to you straight, man — sure, I have a good time with Bobo, and Chaco and everything, and we laugh it up, and we — we talk about prison stories that are boh entertaining… and grisly. But… the thing about it is, I don’t rap to them like I rap to you… but do I buy them presents? Huh? Who’s the guy who got you the toothbrush with the razor blade on the end of it? Huh?
Aaron: You can’t buy me.
Blackjack: I did buy you. I bought you from Hector for thirty cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.
Aaron: [ he nods ] You’re right.
Blackjack: Hey, man, look — look, man, look — in the end… Aaron, you’re always gonna be my BITCH! Okay? And there ain’t NOBODY… gonna take that away… ’til I kill your ass!
Aaron: Oh, Blackjack! [ relieved ] I sometimes don’t know what to do with me! [ he chuckles ] Thanks for being so real, man.
Blackjack: No problem. Now, sweet dreams — BI-OTCHHHH!!
Air Date:
