SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

…And A Pizza Place

Executive #1…Chris Parnell
Executive #2…Molly Shannon
Executive #3…Tim Meadows
Executive #4…Will Ferrell
…Rick Ludwin
Voiceover…Darrell Hammond
Chef…Horatio Sanz
Andy Dick…Chris Kattan
…A.J. Benza

[NBC studios, executives at table]

Executive #1: What if we moved “Law and Order” to Friday?

Executive #2: No…that would leave us with less than 13 hours of Stone Philips a week.

Executive #3: We can’t do that, that would be like crapping in our own backyard.

Executive #4: [enters] Well, I think I have an answer to our little 8:30 problem. As you all know ABC has changed “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place” to “Two Guys and a Girl.” Well, I just got off the phone with Doug Drasin in business affairs and we made a deal. We’re bringing “…and a Pizza Place” to ding, ding, ding: NBC.

Executive #3: [laughs with acceptance]

Executive #2: I’m not with you.

Executive #4: Well, Janice, you know the show “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place?”

Executive #2: Yeah.

Executive #4: Can you name the girl?

Executive #2: Um…

Executive #4: Or how about just one of the two guys?

Executive #2: Uh…

Executive #4: But can you tell me where they generally eat at?

Executive #2: At a pizza place!

Executive #4: Thank you.

Executive #1: So you’re saying—

Executive #4: I’m saying I just gave “…and a Pizza Place” a 13-episode on-air commitment.

Executive #2: But who’s in it?

Executive #4: Whoever likes pizza! You want a slice?

Executive #2: Uh, sure!

Executive #4: You’re in the show.

Executive #1: So a typical show would be—

Executive #4: Ah, there’ll be some ovens, there’ll be some tables. Maybe some garlic…I’m not a writer.

Executive #2: You know my daughter and her friends like pizza.

Executive #4: Hello? Teenagers, Pokemon, cha-ching!

Rick Ludwin: Teenagers, genius!

Executive #3: Yes!

[all clap with approval]

[NBC logo appears]

Voiceover: And now stay tuned for the premiere of “…and a Pizza Place.”

[exterior of pizza restaurant, along with music and pedestrians walking by]

[title appears: …and a Pizza Place]

[caption: Created by James Burrows]

[overhead shot inside pizza place]

[shot of guy eating pizza and drinking soda, canned laughter]

[pizza put on baking sheet, canned applause]

[back to board room, months later]

Executive #1: Here’s the ratings for “Pizza Place.”

Executive #4: Wow, what a dropoff.

Executive #3: Oh boy!

Executive #2: Ooooh, geez, the first six weeks we were blowing “The King of Queens” out of the water! What’s the problem?

Executive #3: I’ll tell you what’s the problem, the show has been terrible lately. There’s no calzones. The soda machine is broken. Some guy burnt the roof of his mouth.

Executive #4: I blame the writers.

Executive #1: Well, that’s not our only trouble. Have you read any of the mail we’ve been getting? “What is this show? I don’t get it. Why are you people doing this?”

Executive #3: Okay, wait a second, here’s an idea. I had a very interesting lunch with a very appealing slice. Ricotta cheese.

Executive #2: Ooh.

Executive #3: Yeah. I had not seen that before.

Executive #4: Are we talking guest shot here?

Executive #1: I’ll call the producer. [dials phone]

Chef: Hello, “…and a Pizza Place!”

Executive #1: Listen, Josepi, we’ve been going over the ratings and…

Chef: Well, don’t-a worry, don’t-a worry too much! We’re going to have a strong week, next week-a. We gonna have the ices!!!

Executive #1: Alright, we had an idea we wanted to run by you. There’s a slice of pizza we are very excited about. We want you to give it a guest shot.

Chef: Okay, what kind of slice-a?

Executive #1: It’s gotta ricotta cheese on it.

Chef: Okay, let me talk to the writers. Hey guys, it’s NBC. They wanna ricotta cheese-a slice-a. [writers are chefs]

Writer #1: Ricotta?

Writer #2: Yeah, we could do that.

Chef: Okay, they make-a you the slice, you pick it up.

Executive #1: No, no, no, no, we want it on the show.

Chef: Ok, it’ll be ready about-a 15 minute.

Executive #4: How’d it go?

Executive #1: It’ll be ready in 15 minutes.

Executive #4: Good, good. Let’s get to work on Leno’s monologue.

Executive #3: Alright.

Rick Ludwin: Leno, genius!

[all applaud]

[screenshot of 52nd Annual Emmy Awards]

Executive #4: Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Dick! [Dick approaches podium]

Andy Dick: Thank you, omigod!! I’m so glad to be here, wow! God, I just wish I wasn’t so hopped on blow. I mean pills, omigod!!!! Why did I just correct myself?! Anyway, the nominees for best supporting actor are—David Hyde Pierce [stock footage], Peter Boyle [footage], a slice of ricotta cheese pizza [shown on chair with a bow tie], and John Mahoney! [more footage] And the winner is…God, I can’t wait to go out tonight and have sex with a guy. Omigod!!!!! Why am I talking?!!! Where did that come from? And the winner is…Mr. David Hyde Pierce.

[scrolling dialogue with voiceover]

Executive #4: Even though it didn’t win the Emmy, the slice of ricotta cheese pizza went on to win the People’s Choice and the Viewers for Quality Television Award and was the odds-on favorite at the Golden Globes until it was accidentally consumed at a pre-show party by ER’s Eriq La Salle.

[dark and dingy pizza place]

A.J. Benza: Fame, ain’t it a bitch? [eats slice and throws the crust away]

Submitted by: Jason Dignard

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Oz

…..Jerry Seinfeld
Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger…..J.K. Simmons
Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher…..Lee Tergesen
Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O’Reily…..Dean Winters
Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill…..Harold Perrineau

Announcer: [ over scroll ] “On May 14th 1998, Jerry, George, Elaine,and Kramer were sentenced to one year in prison for violating theMassachusetts Good Samaritan Law. Then, due to a series of sarcastic quipsJerry made to prison guards, and a series finale regarded by most TV criticsas “Satisfactory At Best”, Jerry Seinfeld was transferred to a maximum securityprison.

That facility is known as..”

[ cut to title card: “OZ” ]

[ show various fragments of Oz prison life – cut to Jerry carefully placingtoilet paper around the rim of the toilet in his prison cell ]

[ show more scenes of prison life – segue to Jerry working out in the prisongym ]

[ show two male inmates making out in the shower, slow pan left to Jerryflossing his teeth at the sink, disgusted at the scene taking place behind him ]

[ open on Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger, forming a huddle with some of the other inmates, as Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher, descends the stairs in the background ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Listen up – Beecher’s going down. In the shower. I’m gonna cut off his sac and stuff it in his mouth.

[ Jerry Seinfeld suddenly pokes his head into the crowd ]

Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, fellas. I noticed there’s no cardio equipment in the gym. Is there another room somewhere?

[ the prisoners give Jerry a series of dirty looks ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Who are you?

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld. Pleasure to meet you! [ extends his hand ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: You a Hebrew?

Jerry Seinfeld: Y-yeah. But people don’t seem to have a problem with it on a national level. [ smiles ]

[ cut to Jerry standing next to ?? on the second-floor balcony ]

Jerry Seinfeld: What is with this place? It’s so cliquey. On the other hand, I kinda like the hole. You know, they throw you in naked. It’s like a spa. You know, you’re not looking too good.

?? : Adebisi pricked me with an AIDS-infected needle.

Jerry Seinfeld: [ backing off ] Well.. good luck with all that! [ walks away ]

[ cut to the prison cafeteria – Jerry eating lunch with some of the other inmates. Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher, gives a dirty look to Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger, as he walks past the table. ]

Jerry Seinfeld: What is with you two?

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: Ah, you know. First, I was his bitch.. then he burned a swastika into my ass.. and then I took a crap in his face. And that started a whole.. thing!

Jerry Seinfeld: Tell me. I once dated a girl who I think was always wearing the same dress!

Prisoner #2: [ gives Jerry a strange look ] Anyway.. he nearly broke every bonein my body. I thought we were gonna make up, and he nailed me to the gym floor!

Jerry Seinfeld: Did he try to..?

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: No. Nothing happened.

Jerry Seinfeld: You missed out on the make-up sodomy?

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: I missed out on the sodomy!

Jerry Seinfeld: The make-up sodomy’s the best part of being nailed to a gym floor!

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: Missed out, baby!

[ cut to Jerry leading a prison rap session in one of the cells]

Jerry Seinfeld: You think you can hold out longer than me?

Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O’Reily: I know I can hold out longer than you!

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Care to make it interesting?

Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O’Reily: A carton smokes?

Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill: I want in, too.

Jerry Seinfeld: You’re all on. [ shakes pinkies with everyone ] Whoever goes the longest without committing male rape wins the Contest.

All: [ throwing up their pinkies ] Yeaaaaaaahh!

[ cut to Jerry surrounded by prisoners ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: You should have had Kramer on the stand!

???: Kramer’s funny.

Jerry Seinfeld: Maybe I should have married Elaine. You know, the expectations were kinda high.

[ Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill, wheels up and throws his carton of smokes on the table ]

Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill: Well.. I’m out!

Jerry Seinfeld: You?!

[ Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill, throws his hands in the air ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Yeah.. I’m out, too..

Jerry Seinfeld: [ pause ] Me, too. [ pauses, then laughs ]

[ show a quick montage of scenes ]

Announcer: Next week, on “Oz”.

[ cut to exterior, the hole ]

Guard: [ slides door open, revealing a naked Jerry in the background ] You alright?

Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, I’m good. [ steps forward ] There’s no turn-down service, is there?

[ the Guard slides the door closed ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Action 8 Newswatch

Connor Stands…..Jerry Seinfeld
Taffy Davenport…..Ana Gasteyer
Hale Breezy…..Chris Parnell
Sorrell Matthews…..Tim Meadows
Roger Sorkin…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: It’s the 11 o’clock Action 8 Newswatch, with Connor Standsand Taffy Davenport, and the entire Action 8 News Team.

Connor Stands: Our top stories tonight: the president has beenassassinated. But president of what? We’ll tell you in the nexthalf-hour. Taffy?

Taffy Davenport: Connor, it’s no bark and all bite for goldenretrievers and other so-called family dogs. What’s causing these sweet andfurry creatures to viciously attack sleeping toddlers? Stay, and we’lltell you in a minute.

Connor Stands: Also tonight: a common household item – something weall have in our homes and are probably using right now – is found to be fullof lethal poison. We’ll tell you what it is at the end of the hour.

Taffy Davenport: Also: a psychopathic sex criminal makes a prisonbreak, threatening to kill the person he meets in a large public area.Coming up, we’ll tell you where, and Hale Breezy’s gonna guide usthrough this evening’s approaching monsoon.

Hale Breezy: Taffy, Hurricane Paula is here. The deadly storm ismoving fast and taking no prisoners! On my Weather Roundup, I’ll give youtips on how to keep the fatalities in your family to a minimum!

Connor Stands: And more on that deadly household object. Hint: youwon’t find it in your refrigerator. Taffy?

Taffy Davenport: And, later in the hour, Big 8 Reporter SorrellMatthews gives us an update on the infestation of disease-bearing insectsin your community.

Sorrell Matthews: Taffy, a source close to the Mayor says that in 48hours, all bugs will become carriers of a deadly virus that may ornot be the Bubonic Plague. But, not to worry. You can protect yourselffrom this seemingly inescapable plague by using common everyday bugrepellents.

Taffy Davenport: In a related story, a deadly toxin, found in onecommon everyday bug repellant, is linked to a crippling neurologicaldisorder. We’ll tell you which one later in the broadcast. Connor?

Connor Stands: Another hint: you can’t bounce it. More on thatdeadly household object coming up. And, on our Big 8 Special Report,Newswatch’s own Taffy Davenport asks the question, “Are We Really Safe?”

Taffy Davenport: Are We Really Safe? What about our schools? Ourchildren? The elderly? How about our pets? And, finally, are safetyproducts safe? A new study says no. I’ll wrap it up for you later in thehour.

Connor Stands: The lethal household product is not made of wood, noris it made of plastic. And you don’t even have to use it for it to endyour whole life. I’ll solve this puzzle at the end of the hour.

Taffy Davenport: And you don’t want to miss tonight’s Roger SorkinMinute.

Roger Sorkin: Can a potty chair crush my toddler’s kneecap? Youbetcha! Can mental patients buy automatic weapons at gun fairs? My cousindid! Can an airbag spontaneously inflate and burn me while I sit in a parkedcar eating my lunch? Hell, yeah! Don’t panic? No, panic! Panic!Don’t miss a minute of the minute!

Connor Stands: This just in – that household product has just gottendeadlier. And the longer you wait, the deadlier it gets.

Taffy Davenport: Is it a rubber band?

Connor Stands: You’ll have to find out with everybody else, Taffy,at the end of the hour.

Taffy Davenport: All these stories and an interview with ZZ Top,live at the State Fairgrounds.

Connor Stands: More news on that presidential assassination: hewill be replaced by the Vice-President. But Vice-President of what?We’ll tell you after the break.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Jerry Seinfeld’s Monologue

…..Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld: Yo, thank you very much! You’re too good! [wild applause] This is great, so great to see you all here. It is so great, so many people all week have been asking me about what I’m doing now that I’m done with the show. And, I just want you to know I just sold my house in L.A., and moved back to New York and its been great. [more wild applause]

Great! Great to be back in the city, it’s the most exciting city in the world; I give you my typical day. Up at eight, no matter what I have my juice, always like to pop on the USA channel and watch “Wings.” They usually have two of them, that’s a solid hour block. That leads right into “The Single Guy” at nine; then “Ned and Stacey,” “Boston Common,” and then obviously “Naked Truth” at 10:30.

Then it’s over to F/X for another hour of “Wings”, which is always solid. Then its 1:00, time to get going. So, I flip on “Days”——-“Days of Our Lives,” but that whole thing with Kristian Alfonso playing both Hope and Princess Gina, I mean, why doesn’t she play Kristof and kidnap the baby too while she’s at it?

Then, by the afternoon, my brain feels like mush, and that’s when I take advantage of one of the single greatest things about living in New York, “The Equalizer!” Everyday at five, six, and seven.

Then, it’s dinnertime, and I get out of my pajamas finally. Get in my sweatpants and hit the street! So many great restaurants. I know this little place near me——well, it’s not so much a restaurant as it is a cart, but it is the best meat-on-a-stick in the city. And after six or seven of them, I’ve had it.

So I go home, grab some Pop-Tarts and a Yoo-Hoo; get in the tub. And then at ten, check out a little TV, Spanish station. They have this show, “Aeropuerto,” it’s a little like “Wings.” [huge laughter] I like that show. Then up at eight for another day in New York, the greatest city in the world. Anyway, that’s basically what I’ve been up to; plus I dated a couple of married women. [huge applause] But we’ve got a great show, David Bowie is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Jason Dignard

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Mary Katherine Gallagher

Shelley Peterbuilt…Cheri Oteri
Sean Patrick Flannery…Will Ferrell
Student…Ana Gasteyer
Avram Horowitz…Chris Kattan
Manute Greenburg…Tim Meadows
Lenny Schwartzmann…Jerry Seinfeld
Mary Katherine Gallagher…Molly Shannon

[exterior of St. Monica’s Catholic High School, several Catholic children walking around]

Shelly Peterbuilt: Hi, Sean.

Sean Patrick Flannery: Hey.

Shelly Peterbuilt: You excited to play in the big game today? You guys are so awesome!!!

Sean Patrick Flannery: You know it. Today’s a tough one, we’re playing the best basketball team in the interfaith league…Yeshiva Academy.

Student: They won the under five-foot division. There they are, omigod!!

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod, omigod!

[basketball players come out one by one as Flannery calls them off]

Sean Patrick Flannery: That little guy is Avram Horowitz. Avram Horowitz; he’s the fastest forward in the league. Yeah, oh, oh, and that’s Manute Greenburg. He’s black!

Shelly Peterbuilt and Student: Oh!

Sean Patrick Flannery: He just transferred from Ethiopia.

Student: Omigod, look who’s coming!

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod!

Sean Patrick Flannery: That’s right.

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod!

Sean Patrick Flannery: That’s right, it’s Lenny Schwartzmann, the Jewish Michael Jordan. [comes out with curly afro]

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod. Lenny is so cute. He’s the sexiest thing under a yarmulke I have ever seen.

Student: Omigod, omigod!!!

Shelly Peterbuilt: I’d like to ask him out but I’m so embarrassed.

Sean Patrick Flannery: Me too.

Shelly Peterbuilt and Student: What?

Sean Patrick Flannery: I mean just to shoot some baskets. I gotta go. [exits]

Shelly Peterbuilt: Omigod, Lenny is so awesome. He would never go out with a Catholic girl, though.

Student: I know, I know, we’ll never know. I mean who would have the nerve to ask him. Omigod. Omigod. [they leave]

[Mary Katherine Gallagher appears]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Lenny Schwartzmann: What’s up?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: What’s up! I just want to say that you make a really great Jew basketball player.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Thanks, you know there’s been a lot of great Jewish basketball players. Dolph Shays, uh, Moses Malone, I think.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I also wanted to know if maybe sometime you would be interested in going out with me for a…for a…for a knish?

Lenny Schwartzmann: Uh, k-no!!!

Avram Horowitz: Ah nice, that was so Jewish Michael Jordan!

Manute Greenburg: [clicking noise]

Lenny Schwartzmann: No, you the man.

Manute Greenburg: [more clicking]

Lenny Schwartzmann: No, you the man. Alright, I’m the man. Come on, let’s go warm up guys. [teammates leave] Mary!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah?

Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m really sorry about the way I just acted. I’d like to go out with you but my parents won’t let me date a non-Jewish girl.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Why, because they think that I’m a slutty shiksa?

Lenny Schwartzmann: Actually, it was dirty, slutty shiksa.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah, my grandmother probably wouldn’t like it either. But she does say that Jewish guys are good providers and you’re very crafty.

Avram Horowitz: Lenny, hurry up. [at the door]

Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m coming.

Manute Greenburg: [clicking, at the door]

Lenny Schwartzmann: I said I’m coming!!!! You know, Mary, we’re just torturing ourselves, we’re too different. [sees Mary’s normal ritual] What are you doing?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and I smell ’em like that. That’s gross.

Lenny Schwartzmann: I guess that’s a Catholic thing. No, I better go.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: No wait, Lenny, no whoa, no okay. [begins to fake her out] Okay, okay, okay. Be serious. I just want to say that…Lenny, we’re really not that different, you know. I mean, after I met you, I rented “Fiddler on the Roof” and I watched it 26 times in a row.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Really? Isn’t Topel a genius?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah, he’s great.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Oh, Mary, your skirt’s so plaid, it drives me mad! Maybe Billy Joel is right, Catholic girls do start much too late. Billy Joel rules!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah!

Lenny Schwartzmann: But can I ignore 6,000 years of tradition just to get a little Catholic poozle? I guess it’s you or bacon, Mary. What do you think I should do?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well…my feelings would best be expressed in a monologue from the movie, “Yentl” starring Mandy Patinkin and the great Barbra Streisand, as a young male-slash-female rabbi in training.

Lenny Schwartzmann: I’m with ya.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay…Forget about tradition. Forget about it, listen to your heart. Love knows no…no race or…or…or…religion. Papa can you hear me? Papa? Papa? Papa? [speaks in Yiddish loudly and falls backwards into bushes and statue of Virgin Mary]

Lenny Schwartzmann: Mary?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Would you go out with me?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay, but I won’t convert.

Lenny Schwartzmann: Great, then we’ll just fool around. [kisses Mary] I’ll see you after the game. [exits]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay, ‘bye Lenny! [jumps and slides on her knees] Jewish Boys!!!!

Submitted by: Jason Dignard

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Morning Latte

Announcer…Darrell Hammond
Tom Wilkins…Will Ferrell
Cass Van Rye…Cheri Oteri
Eli Van Rye…Chris Parnell
Dr. Jedediah Purdy…Jerry Seinfeld

[Morning Latte Credits]

Announcer: Good morning; grab a cup and get ready for Morning Latte!

Tom Wilkins: Woo!

Cass van Rye: Wow!

Tom Wilkins: Woo!

Cass van Rye: Geez!

Tom Wilkins: Woo!

Cass van Rye: Wow!

Tom Wilkins: Welcome to the Latte, I’m Tom Wilkins. What a tough morning!

Cass van Rye: Woo! And I’m Cass Van Rye! Yikes!

Tom Wilkins: Yikes!

Cass van Rye: Yikes!

Tom Wilkins: It’s not even ten a.m. and we’ve lost a producer and a hairdresser.

Cass van Rye: I’m telling you, talk about Murphy’s Law, what happened? What just happened?!

Tom Wilkins: I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you what happened!

Cass van Rye: What happened?

Tom Wilkins: I’ll tell you what happened. Cass’s hair person Tito just ripped her a new one. Yeah!

Cass van Rye: Well, Tito was late, and I said to him, “Hey, okay, I celebrate your gay Hispanic culture, my friend…”

Tom Wilkins: You’re here and you’re queer, we know.

Cass van Rye: We know, we know, okay. “But smoking ecstasy and raving ’til dawn with your gay buddies is no excuse for tardiness!”

Tom Wilkins: No, no.

Cass van Rye: Come on!

Tom Wilkins: No.

Cass van Rye: Come on! And then he did this snapping thing [snaps fingers repeatedly] like this to me…

Tom Wilkins: Uh-huh, right…

Cass van Rye: …and then left. Tom, it was like this right in my face.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah. No, no, I saw it, I saw it. [grabs her aggressively to stop the annoying snapping while Oteri tries not to laugh] I was there, I was there. Now the snapping thing happened after you called him a dirty brown he-she. Yeah. Now, and to make matters worse, our producer of two weeks, Shelby Gaines, quits over losing a parking spot.

Cass van Rye: What’s that about?

Tom Wilkins: What up? What up?

Cass van Rye: What’s that about? What up?

Tom Wilkins: My new Expedition takes up one and a half spots but sorry, Shelby, talk to my Ford dealer.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Or to my hand.

Cass van Rye: Talk to his hand.

Tom Wilkins: Talk to my hand.

Cass van Rye: Talk to his hand. You know, luckily I had — I called my husband Eli out of a merger meeting so he could come to the studio to bring me the back of my earring.

Tom Wilkins: And we just slapped some headphones on him. So folks, will you please welcome our producer for the day, Mr. Eli Van Rye.

[shows eerily relaxed and quiet Eli Van Rye]

Tom Wilkins: [laughs]

Cass van Rye: Hi, pooker.

Eli van Rye: Cass. Tom.

Cass van Rye: Aah, that’s my little Jew.

Tom Wilkins: Hey, hey, hey. I finally saw The Sixth Sense last night. That little boy: what a weirdo!

Cass van Rye: Strange duck.

Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo!

Cass van Rye: Strange duck.

Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo!

Cass van Rye: Strange duck.

Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo.

Cass van Rye: Strange duck.

Tom Wilkins: Weird!

Cass van Rye: Yeah, you know what The Sixth Sense was a good movie, Tom, but if you want to talk about an amazing piece of cinema, I’m sorry, I’ve got three words for you: Wild Wild West.

Tom Wilkins: Yes.

Cass van Rye: Come on.

Tom Wilkins: Ooh.

Cass van Rye: Come on.

Tom Wilkins: Will Smith, Calvin Klein—- don’t make us wait too long for the sequel, please.

Cass van Rye: Kevin Kline. Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Oh, Kev. Right, Kevin.

Cass van Rye: And I’ll tell you something. Move over, Abbott and Costello; here comes Smith and Kline.

Tom Wilkins: Yes. Yes. Hey, this presidential election, what about it?

Cass van Rye: It’s heating up, Tom, it’s heating up. It really is.

Tom Wilkins: I’m a little worried about Bush’s insatiable hunger for cocaine.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: What a coke monkey.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Little coke monkey, yeah.

Cass van Rye: How many times do I have to say this? Drugs is a disease, folks!!! Get it through your head!

Tom Wilkins: You heard it right here. Yes, Cass. You know this because your husband Eli is a recovering alcoholic.

Cass van Rye: No, he’s just an alcoholic, Tom.

Tom Wilkins: Oh, okay.

[Eli looks dejected and embarrassed]

Cass van Rye: Plus, plus, keep in mind he’s on a combination of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety drug, Zoloft, and Buspar.

Tom Wilkins: Yes, How you doing, pal?

Eli van Rye: Top of the world, Tom.

Cass van Rye: You know Eli’s doing fine, Tom, but the side effects are rough.

Tom Wilkins: Okay.

Cass van Rye: It’s given him a real metallic odor to his breath.

Tom Wilkins: Oh.

Cass van Rye: Offensive, offensive.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah, yeah.

Cass van Rye: And it has completely wiped out his ability to ejaculate.

Tom Wilkins: Hey, keep us posted, buddy. Keep us posted, buddy. Well, I will tell you what is up-and-coming, our first guest and his new diet book. Please welcome Dr. Jedediah Purdy.

[audience applaudes as Purdy enters and all sit]

Cass van Rye: Woo, welcome. Look at you.

Tom Wilkins: You look great.

Cass van Rye: He’s thin.

Tom Wilkins: Like a lady.

Cass van Rye: He’s thin. He’s like a woman.

Tom Wilkins: Look at that little booty on you.

Cass van Rye: Yeah, he’s like a woman.

Tom Wilkins: Tell us about the book.

Jedediah Purdy: Well, it’s called “The Realm.”

Cass van Rye: Ooh, “The Realm.”

Tom Wilkins: “The Realm.”

Cass van Rye: Yeah, “The Realm.” Now see, I don’t know what that means.

Tom Wilkins: No, sounds English.

Jedediah Purdy: Well, it’s like “The Zone,” but some people feel trapped in a zone. So there’s little more room in “The Realm.”

Tom Wilkins: Not as confining.

Cass van Rye: No, now I’ll tell you Jed, um, I’m on the zone and I’m really happy with it. It’s really working for me.

Tom Wilkins: [shaking head] No, no it’s not. No, you should see yourself in shorts. Right, Eli? [Eli nods with no expression on his face]

Jedediah Purdy: Well, with “The Realm,” the weight loss is slow at first, but then it drops off. [hits Cass in the head unintentionally and unnoticingly with the book]

Cass van Rye: Right.

Tom Wilkins: Now, tell me, Jed. I’ll tell ya. I wanna know what is on the diet.

Cass van Rye: Yes.

Tom Wilkins: Tell us what’s on the diet.

Cass van Rye: Yes.

Jedediah Purdy: Well, it’s fruit in the morning, and meat for the rest of the day.

Cass van Rye: Ooooh, now can I eat pizza on your diet?

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.

Jedediah Purdy: No. No bread, no cheese.

Cass van Rye: How about plain pizza?

Tom Wilkins: Sure.

Cass van Rye: No one gets hurt.

Jedediah Purdy: No!

Cass van Rye: Oh, okay, how about this? How about cheese, tomatoes, and some bread?

Jedediah Purdy: No, that’s pizza. It’s just fruit and meat!

Cass van Rye: What about a pizza bagel? It’s small, it’s smaller.

Tom Wilkins: [grabs Cass by the neck] You can’t have the pizza, Cass, let it go. Let me run this one by you, Jedediah. What about calzones?

Cass van Rye: Oooh.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.

Cass van Rye: Calzones.

Jedediah Purdy: What are you people, idiots? Did you win the show on a contest? It’s fruit and meat. Fruit, meat. Fruit. Meat. That’s it.

Cass van Rye: Tom, we can have Hawaiian pizza.

Tom Wilkins: Ooh, pineapple and ham.

Cass van Rye: Yeah, that’s it.

[thud]

Jedediah Purdy: What was that?

Cass van Rye: Oh, it’s my husband, Eli, he’s just having a seizure. It’s just another side effect. It’s okay. [Eli shakes violently on the floor]

Tom Wilkins: Okay.

Cass van Rye: That’s okay.

Tom Wilkins: Can we get props to put a spoon in his mouth or a little chunk of leather or something?

Cass van Rye: What a morning, huh?

Tom Wilkins: Hey, hey, we’ll be right back with Wolfgang Puck. He’s gonna show us how to make gourmet pizzas.

Cass van Rye: Oooh, can I have a Gino’s pizza roll?

Jedediah Purdy: Oh, the hell with the both of you! [knocks over platter of food and exits]

Cass van Rye: Eli, can you clean that up, honey? Eli?

Tom Wilkins: “The Realm.”

Cass van Rye: Clean it up.

Tom Wilkins: “The Realm.”

Cass van Rye: “The Realm.” Eli, clean this up.

Submitted by: Jason Dignard

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Javis Home Security Systems

Man…..Will Ferrell
Mother…..Ana Gasteyer

[ scene opens in a baby’s bedroom, as a man changes a baby’s diaper ]

Man: When it came time to change my first diaper, I was pretty nervous. What kind of wipes should I use? Should I powder his little bottom? What if there’s redness? Well, there’s one thing I wasn’t nervous about.. and that was my choice of diapers. Dry Baby Disposals are the best. Even I know that. [ looking down at the baby ] Right, little guy?

[ the baby’s mother suddenly walks in ]

Mother: Who the hell are you?!

[ the stranger jumps out the window, as mother rushes to the baby’s crib ]

Announcer: Javis Home Security Systems. Because there are a lot of dirty creatures.

Submitted by: Robert Wilczak

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Goodnights

…..Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld: It’s been an unbelievable week, thanks to David Bowie, A. J. Benza, this wonderful cast. My guys in L.A., Lorne Michaels. Let’s go Mets!!!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Dillon/Edwards Investments

Father…..Chris Parnell

[Scene of father helping son ride a bicycle for the first time, then, cut to the living room of their house]

Father: Trust, an important part of building a family, and an important part of building his future. That’s why I rely on Dillon/Edwards and Company. For nearly a century, investors on Wall Street have trusted Dillon and Edwards with their financial future. And now all of the resources from America’s oldest investment firm are available on-line. [Father is at the computer as the website appears, along with web address]Dillon and Edwards on the Internet, at www.clownpenis.fart. A lot of investment companies rushed onto the Internet, but Dillon and Edwards took their time. Sure, when they were ready, there was one web address left, but it’s one you can count on.

Announcer #1: For mutual funds, count on…

Announcer #2: …clownpenis.fart.

Announcer #1: Online brokerage…

Announcer #2: …clownpenis.fart.

Announcer #1: Retirement and tuition planning…

Announcer #2: …clownpenis.fart.

[Caption: Dillon/Edwards Investments-www.clownpenis.fart]

Announcer #1: Dillon and Edwards Investments…

Announcer #2: …at www.clownpenis.fart.

Submitted by: Jason Dignard

SNL Transcripts

]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 2nd, 1999

Jerry Seinfeld

David Bowie

None

Dean Winters

Harold Perrineau

J.K. Simmons

Lee Tergesen

A.J. Benza

Rick Ludwin
Perot’s Reform PartySummary: Ross Perot (Cheri Oteri) yuks it up with Pat Buchanan (Chris Parnell) and other contenders vying to be his Reform Party candidate.

Recurring Characters: Ross Perot, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump.

Transcript

Montage

Jerry Seinfeld’s MonologueSummary: Jerry Seinfeld jokes about how he has spent his post-sitcom days doing nothing more than watching reruns of “Wings” on cable.

Transcript

Dillon/Edwards InvestmentsSummary: Because the investment was slow in gaining an internet presence, they were stuck with the last remaining web domain – clownpenis.fart.

Transcript

Morning LatteRecurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye.

Transcript

Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) falls for a Jewish boy (Jerry Seinfeld) on the basketball court.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher, Sean Patrick Flannery, Shelley Peterbuilt.

Transcript

Javis Home Security SystemsSummary: A mother (Ana Gasteyer) catches a stranger (Will Ferrell) diapering baby.

Transcript

Action 8 News WatchSummary: News anchors Connor Stands (Jerry Seinfeld) and Taffy Davenport (ana Gasteyer) dangle teasers without explanation.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: >Weekend update’s Millennium profile rates sharks as having been highly influential in the last thousand years. Jerry Seinfeld debates Jerry Seinfeld (Jimmy Fallon) on The Gap.

Recurring Characters: Jerry Seinfeld.

Transcript

David Bowie performs “Thursday’s Child”

OzSummary: While in prison, Jerry Seinfeld relives most of his classic sitcom conundrums.

Transcript

1-800-EAT-SHITSummary: A motorist (Will Ferrell) dials the rude “How’s My Driving?” phone numbers and is surprised to reach actual operators on the extension.

…and a Pizza PlaceSummary: The leftover portion of a sitcom title tries to survive the new season on its own merit.

Recurring Characters: Andy Dick.

Transcript

David Bowie performs “Rebel Rebel”

Keeping Him AliveSummary: To get a puke (Jerry Seinfeld) to talk, a thug (Will Ferrell) alternately kills and revives him.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts