SNL Tonight

Old French Whore!

Don Barbrell…..Will Ferrell
Kevin Rheaume…..Chris Kattan
Babette…..Cheri O’Teri
Jason Rhaims…..Tim Meadows
Simone…..Molly Shannon
Denise Kirk…..Ana Gasteyer
Coco…..Garth Brooks

[ Title Card showing France’s blue, white and red colors ]

[ V/O : Hey everybody it’s time to play ( simultaneously with V/O crowd): Old.. French.. Whore! ]

[ SUPER : Old French Whore! ]

[ Shot : Set of Old French Whore game show ]

[ V/O : And now, here’s the host of “Old French Whore”… Dooooon Barbrell! ]

Don Barbrell : Thank you! Hi everybody and welcome to “Old French Whore”. The game show that lets old French whores team up with high school honor students to win fabulous prizes! Let’s meet our contestants! On the blue team we have Kevin Rheaume of Lansing Michigan! Kevin is a senior at East Lansing High School where he’s a proud member of the marching band!

Kevin: Hey Don!

Don Barbrell : Kevin your partner today is a 48 year old prostitute from Marseilles named Babette! Babette I heard you had a funny thing happened to you, uh, on the way to the studios.

Babette : [ With French accent ] Yes, a sailor broke my arm!

Don Barbrell : Ouch! Okay. Well! Good luck today! On the white team we have Jason Rhaims, a high school junior from Richmond Virginia, who loves computers! Hey Jason!

Jason : Hi!

Don Barbrell : Jason your partner is Simone Heques, a 59 year old syphilitic from Québec. Hi Simone!

Simone: J’ai besoin d’un fix! (I need a fix!)

Don Barbrell : Great! Okay! And finally on the red team we have Denise Kirk from Crystal Lake High. She was part of Ohio’s’ all-state swim team and she’s active in recycling! Good for you!

Denise : Thanks Don!

Don Barbrell : Denise you must be excited because you’re paired with our returning champion, she’s 67, and was once the personal concubine of Rommel, say hello to Coco!

Coco : [ With French accent ] Hello Don.

Don Barbrell : Allo! Allo! Let’s take a look at our categories, today’s categories are… U.S Presidents… Science Fun…. and Les Maladies Vénériales! (Venereal Diseases) Coco and Denise choose a category!

Denise : “U.S Presidents” for 200 Don!

Don Barbrell : Okay, “Who was Thomas Jefferson’s Vice-president?” [ Jason hits his buzzer ] Jason and Simone!

Jason : John Adams? [ “wrong answer” sound ]

Don Barbrell : No [ Babette hits her buzzer ] Kevin and Babette!

Babette : You are sexy! You come with me we have sexy good time! [ “wrong answer” sound ]

Don Barbrell : Incorrect! [ Denise hits her buzzer ] Denise and Coco! [Coco murmurs at Denise ear ]

Denise : Aaron Burr? [ “good answer” sound ]

Don Barbrell : Correct! [ Denise and Coco kiss each other ] Choose again! Very nice!

Coco : “Maladies Vénériales” for 200 please.

Don Barbrell : Okay, “When dealing with itchy red bumps– [ Babette hits her buzzer ] Babette!

Babette : Crabs! Kiss crabs! [ “wrong answer” sound ]

Don Barbrell : No, sorry. Listen to the entire question. “When dealing with itchy red bumps, what kind of ointment — [ Coco hits her buzzer ] Coco!

Coco : Calamine lotion and penicillin? [ “good answer” sound ]

Don Barbrell : That is correct! Choose again!

Coco : Hem, Let’s go for “Science Fun” for 300 please.

Don Barbrell : Okay, “What is the atomic symbol for Chromium?” [ Jason hits his buzzer ] Jason and Simone!

Jason : [ Simone is all over him ] She’s making me really uncomfortable.

Simone : Ohhhh Tu es un beau garcon. Donnez-moi l’argent. [ Simone puts her hands in Jason’s pockets ]

Jason : Hey!

Simone : Donnez-moi l’argent…

Jason : Come on!

Simone : Donnez-moi!

Jason : No!

Simone : Tu es très beau… Je t’aime! (You’re good-looking boy, give me the money, give me, give me, you’re handsome, I love you.)

Jason : Listen I want a new partner sir. She smells like whisky and feet!

Don Barbrell : Is that your answer?

Jason : Get off me Ma’am! [ “wrong answer” sound. Kevin hits his buzzer ]

Don Barbrell : Kevin and Babette!

Kevin : I think my whore is dead.

Don Barbrell : Okay we’ll have to check with the judges at the end of the round on that! Denise and Coco it’s up to you! Once again “What is the atomic symbol for Chromium?”

Denise : I, I, I don’t know!

Coco : Don’t be silly. The symbol for Chromium is CR. It was discovered by Vauquelin in 1797. It’s atomic weight is fifty-one, nine, nine, six. [ “good answer” sound ]

Don Barbrell : That is correct! Well played Coco!

Denise : That is awesome! How did you know that?

Coco : Little girl, I was not always like this. No [ drama music, lights dim, Denise get a few feet away from Coco who speaks to the crowd ] Once I was beautiful and young like you! I wanted to be a great chemist but in those days, it was not proper for a young lady. So I ran away far from home and thought I would run to a new country, where girls could be whatever they whish to be. But I never found that place, and before I knew it I was leaning in the public parks, pleasing factory workers for money [ wipes her lips, music ends ]

Don Barbrell : [ nods at Coco ] All right! Well, Coco you’re our big winner again today with 700 dollars cash and the chance to come back tomorrow and win a Chevy Cavalier! [ Kevin hits his buzzer, while Simone sings a French love song ]

Kevin : My whore is definitely dead.

Don Barbrell : We’ll see you tomorrow everybody on?

[ SUPER : Old French Whore! ]

V/O Crowd : Old!.. French!.. Whore!

[ Fade out ]

Thanks to P-Y for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Garth Brooks

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Helloooo-ho! Thank you, folks! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn. [exhales]

Rocker Tommy Lee was jailed Wednesday after allegedly attacking his wife, Pamela Lee. Pamela has gotten an emergency restraining order saying that Tommy isn’t allowed within five feet of her…and his penis isn’t allowed within 50 feet of her.

Illness prevented Barbara Streisand from performing a duet with Celine Dion at the Grammy Awards this week. At the last minute, Streisand developed a violent allergic reaction to sharing the spotlight.

Also at the Grammys, Shawn Colvin’s speech was interrupted by a rapper named Ol’ Dirty Bastard. He was charged with two counts of public disturbance and one count of stealing the President’s Secret Service code name. [applause] Now, did you see this guy? Who would think a guy named Ol’ Dirty Bastard would start trouble? I guess in the long run, it was all worth it just to hear Dan Rather say the phrase “ol’ dirty bastard.”

The news that came out this morning on the Clinton sex scandal is that the White House may admit that Clinton kissed Monica Lewinsky, but nothing else happened. “We just kissed.” Great. All those Washington minds and the best they can come up with is the same excuse I gave my girlfriend when I was 15 and I came home from the class trip with a hickey on my neck. Bill, it didn’t work for me n – then, and it’s not gonna work for you now.

A Christmas card signed by John F. Kennedy days before his assassination was sold at an auction this week for 11,000 dollars. Meanwhile, Sotheby’s auction house is still trying to unload a box of Ted Kennedy’s “Sorry I Threw Up at Your Kid’s Christening” cards. [cheers and applause] You know…it’s gotten so bad that Ted Kennedy is a reference for drunkenness even among the Kennedys. They sit around, “This guy was drunker than Ted Kennedy. Sorry, Uncle Ted. It’s a figure of speech, Uncle Ted.” “No, I understand, guys.”…That was me doing Ted and…someone named Kennedy.

Ash Wednesday was this week, signifying the start of Lent, a 40-day period of fasting and repentance. In an effort to be more current, the Catholic Church now officially refers to Lent as “March Madness.”

According to a European Union study, the Irish are reproducing six times faster than the rest of Europe. Yeah, of course! Hey, you try to put on a condom after eight pints of Guinness! [some applause]

In Pakistan, three men who were convicted of sodomy were allowed to live after surviving the execution method of having a brick wall fall on them. The sentence had been imposed by supreme leader Wile E. Coyote.

Mayor Giuliani is closing all the New York strip clubs. Now, if you want to see naked people dancing in New York, you have to ride the subway like everybody else.

“Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” turned 30 years old this week. The groundbreaking show was the first to teach young boys that it is okay to be friends with a man in a sweater that lives alone. [applause and cheers]…Ah!

Prison guards in California are accused of pitting inmates against each other and holding gladiator-style fights for the guards’ amusement. The prison officers now face criminal charges and a possible TV production deal from FOX.

Three Japanese businessmen checked into a Tokyo hotel this week and hanged themselves because they were in debt. They had to go to a hotel to hang themselves? See, that’s what’s wrong, no wonder they’re in debt. They could’ve hung themselves at home for free.

A drunken Anna Nicole Smith crashed a bar mitzvah in Beverly Hills. The former Playboy model proceeded to dance with the bar mitzvah boy until she was dragged away. She later returned and married the young man in hopes of inheriting his 300 dollars in savings bonds.

A bearded woman and her companion were shot to death this Tuesday at a karaoke bar by a man who was upset that the woman wouldn’t leave with him….I don’t know what’s more depressing: that the guy killed two people, or that he was trying to pick up a chick with a beard…or that he was at a karaoke bar on a Tuesday night….The man was charged with murdering two people and a couple of Sinatra tunes.

Henny Youngman…Henny Youngman, King of the One-Liners, passed away this week…earlier this week, at the age of 92. Mr. Youngman had been ill for some time. Last September, doctors gave him three months to live. When they found out he couldn’t pay his bill, they gave him three months more. [applause and cheers]

And now, joining us again, Lilith Fair stand-up comedian Cinder Calhoun!

[pan over to Cinder]

Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Colin. Um…I’m not really your, quote, “garden variety,” uh, unquote, stand-up. I really consider myself more of a free-form comedic artisan…so…

Colin: Oh!

Cinder: …you should, yeah, you should probably put that in your pipe.

Colin: Okay!

Cinder: So…

Colin: So what have you been up to lately?

Cinder: Um, well…actually, while Lilith has been on hiatus, I got a gig doing crowd warm-up for Farm Aid IX in [exaggerated Spanish accent] San Antonio, Texas…and…Paula Cola – Cole came to check out my set, and I had just rocked the house with a hilarious Aboriginal fertility joke. Um, I just told the classic about the shaman, the midwife, and the Zulu warrior all trapped in a menstrual pit. Um, I know we all know it, so I won’t bore anyone. [Colin laughs] But I was walking offstage, and I walked smack into a solid wall of pure earth-tilling heartland muscle that goes by the name of Garth Brooks. [cheers] Yeah. There we are. I mean….I turn to Paula Cole, and I just go, [singing] “Now I know where all the cowboys have go-o-ooone…” The three of us were dying, it was so funny, it was unbelievable. Anyway, um, he told me that he’d join me here tonight, so I’m really honored to have him.

[Cheers and applause for Garth Brooks. Garth joins Cinder with his guitar. Cinder grabs her guitar underneath the desk.]

Garth Brooks: Thanks, um, uh…what are we gonna sing tonight?

Cinder: Um…actually, Garth, um…there’s a reason I brought you here tonight.

Garth: Yeah, I know, but um…what is it?

Cinder: Um…it’s just…um…I don’t mean to…I’ve had partners of all shapes and sizes, but, when I met you, Eros whispered in my ear, and Sappho high-tailed it back to ‘Frisco. Um…what I’m trying to tell you, um…well, I wrote a song about it for you, and I hope you’ll join me on it. It’s called “Adonis in Blue Jeans.”

[lights dim as the song begins with Cinder and Garth playing their guitars]

I’m a wandering troubadour
Never thought I’d want a home with a hearth.
But then a tall drink of denim walked into my life,
And now I’m in love with Garth!

[Garth becomes shocked and uncomfortable for the rest of the song]

You’re my Astro-cowboy, you’re the yang to my yin.

Garth:
It’s an awkward position that you’re putting me in!

Cinder:
I want to marry Garth,
settle on a farm, till the land until we’re eighty!

Garth:
Thank you, ma’am, but I’m already married to a much more attractive lady. [brief applause]

Cinder:
You’re my Adonis in blue jeans!

Garth:
I don’t know what that word means!

Cinder:
You’re made to boogie, while I meditate!

Garth:
you make tabbouleh while I meditate/You just mentioned two things that I hate!

Cinder:
I’m in love with Garth!

Garth:
She’s in love with Garth!

Cinder:
I’m in love with Garth!

Garth:
She’s in love with Garth!

Cinder:
I’m in love with Garth!

Garth:
She’s in love with Garth!

Cinder:
I’m in love with Garth!

Garth:
She’s in love with Gar…

Cinder and Garth: …ar…aaaarrrrth!

[end of the song; cheers and applause as lighting returns to normal]

Cinder: So will you be my life partner?

Garth: No!

Colin: Mr. and Mrs. Garth Brooks, everybody!

Garth: [angry and annoyed] Oh, come on!

Colin: Come on! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

[fade to black]

Loew’s Previews

Wife…..Molly Shannon
Husband…..Garth Brooks
Black Man in Rear of Theater…..Tracy Morgan
Angry Man…..Will Ferrell
Disturbed Man…..Jim Breuer

[ open on exterior, Loew’s Theatre presentation of “Sphere” ]

[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Wife: Oh boy, I am looking forward to this.

Husband: Yeah, you know, they say the guy who wrote “Jurassic Park” wrote this.

Wife: Mmm.. and I hear Sharon Stone is excellent!

[ lights are lowered ]

Husband: Hey, it’s starting!

Wife: Great! I hope they have some good previews.

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Sit back and relax
and enjoy the show!

Previews Announcer: Coming this Spring from Tri-Star Pictures..

[ Husband’s eyes widen in excitement as he watches the preview ]

In a land where there is no daylight, fire is a way of life.

Husband: Ooh, this looks good!

Clint Eastwood: Burn, baby, burn!

Previews Announcer: “The Fire King”.

Husband: Man, I love Eastwood! I’m definitely going to see that one!

[ bouncy music surrounds next preview ]

Previews Announcer: Meet Diane Carvenal. She’s got just two days to learn how to juggle, or she’ll lose custody of her only son.

[ Music Pot: “I Feel Good”, James Brown ]

Shelley Long is: “My Mom, The Mime”. Rated R.

Husband: That looks awful. How do movies like that get made?

Wife: I know what you mean..

Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ exubirant ] That looked funny!

Wife: Boy, you know, I really wish they would just hurry up with the movie.

Husband: Oh, here it is. I think it’s starting.

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Sit back and relax
20 more minutes of previews.

Wife: [ groans ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ]

[ SUPER: “Twenty Minutes Later” ]

[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Previews Announcer: And this cop doesn’t have a badge or a gun, because he’s not a cop. John Ratzenberger is.. “Not-a-Cop”.

Wife: Well, that should be about it..

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
You’ve been very patient
so here’s more previews!

Husband: Oh, come on!

Angry Man: Start the movie!

Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ overjoyed ] Yeah, more previews!

Previews Announcer: Joe Nukem just found out he has terminal cancer. That means he only has 24 hours left – to rock!

[ Music Pot: “Panama”, Van Halen ]

Wife: Oh, come on! Now that is just poor taste!

Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ laughing ] He got sunglasses on!

Previews Announcer: Hal Linden and Shelley Long star in.. “Panama”.

Husband: Hey, look, it’s been, like, over 30 minutes. You want to get out of here?

Wife: Let’s go.

Husband: Come on.

[ stand up and race to exit doors ]

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Don’t think about leaving
The doors are locked from the outside!

Husband: What?!

Wife: Come on, they can’t be serious..

Disturbed Man: [ trying to force open the locked doors ] It’s true! We’re locked in here!

Wife: Oh, my God!

Previews Announcer: Shelley Long has just met the man of her dreams. The only problem? He’s a puppet!

[ Music Pot: “I Feel Good”, James Brown ]

Wife: You already used that song!

[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ]

[ SUPER: “Two Hours Later” ]

[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Previews Announcer: See the award-winning film from Pakistan – “Vendetta of Ganesh”. Starring Shelley Long.

Wife: God, why are there so many Shelley Long movies?! I’m getting really thirsty..

Husband: My cell phone won’t work, either. They’re jamming it..

Black Man in Rear of Theater: These previews are hilarious!

[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ]

[ SUPER: “The Next Day” ]

[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

[ Music Pot: “I Feel Good”, James Brown ]

Wife: Water! I need water!

Husband: I’m sorry, I’ve got some melted ice.

Wife: Please! Give it to me, then!

Angry Man: Hey, I found half a box of Junior Mints!

Disturbed Man: Give me those, you son of a bitch!

Previews Announcer: Rhea Perlman is Shelley Long, in “The Shelley Long Story”.

[ movie patrons start to tear Man apart, limb for limb ]

Angry Man: Owwww!! Owww!! They’re tearing me apart!

[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ]

[ SUPER: “A Month Later” ]

[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Husband V/O: Dear Diary: It’s been 32 days now. Helen has clearly gone insane..

Wife: [ hysterical ] Shelley Long has died for your sins, you sons of bitches!!

Husband V/O: Still, the previews won’t stop..

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew’s.
Drink your urine and sleep
underneath your seats!

Disturbed Man: [ angry at Black Man smiling in back row ] I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it! He won’t stop smiling!

Husband: Come on, man, leave him alone!

Disturbed Man: [ beats Black Man with Man’s detached arm ] Stop smiling! [ face widens in horror ] Oh, God.. Oh, God..

Husband: What is it?

Disturbed Man: He’s got no lower half! He’s eaten his own legs!

[ everyone screams abd starts to run out ofthe theter, until.. ]

Previews Announcer: And now, our Feature Presentation.

[ everyone smiles and returns to their seats, as the movie begins and the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

Who’s More Grizzled?

Jim Greer…..Norm MacDonald
Wayne….Robert Duvall
Tate Mitchum…..Garth Brooks
Prize Keeper…..Jim Breuer

Jim Greer: Hello, everyone! I’m Jim Greer, and it’s time once again for “Who’s More Grizzled?” the game show that finds out who is the roughest, toughest, most hardbitten old-timer around, so let’s bring out our contestants. He is our returning champion.. [ audience applauds as Wayne enters ] Yes, you have some fans in the audience, Wayne. You are a former sharecropper and a World War II veteran who hails rom Adler, Mississippi. So, what are you up to these days, Wayne?

Wayne: I mostly been huntin’ and whittlin’.

Jim Greer: Well, that is great. Now, let’s meet your opponent, he worked on an offshore oil rig until he broke his back, now he is a prospector. Please welcome Tate Mitchum! [ Tate walks out ] Welcome, Tate, and it looks like Wayne has his work cut our for him, because you, sir, are extremely grizzled!

Tate Mitchum: [ stares ] I don’t much care for you.

Jim Greer: A lot of people don’t – save it for the game! Let’s get started. The categories are: “War”, “Hard Times”, “Bear Attacks”, “Ailments”, “Dead Wives”, and finally “Coal Mining”. And, Wayne, as the returning champion, you pick first.

Wayne: I don’t much cotton to these computers today.

Jim Greer: You are good! As always, I’ll pick for you. Let’s try “Ailments”. The question is: “How things treatin’ ya?”

Wayne: I can’t complain. My leg hurts, it means it’s bound to rain. Wish them doctors at the VA could get that shrapnel out of my shoulder.

Jim Greer: That is correct! And, my, you are grizzled. It’s still your board, Wayne.

Wayne: A lot of people don’t know I was the first man to get a team of horses up Bear Mountain!

Jim Greer: [ pause ] Let’s go with “War!” The question is: “Grandpa, tell me a story.” [ Tate buzzes in ] Tate!

Tate Mitchum: I was separated from our unit, came across a bunch of Germans asleep a field. Bayonetted every last one of them! Didn’t find out ’til later the war had been over for a week.

Jim Greer: Very nice, Tate!

Tate Mitchum: When I was your age, I didn’t call my seniors by their Christian name!

Jim Greer: Well, I’m sorry, sir.

Tate Mitchum: Keep it, boy, I’ll take a strap to ya!

Jim Greer: I wish I could give you points for that grizzled exchange, but I can’t. Let’s go to “Dead Wives”. The question is: “Life’s hard, isn’t it?”

Wayne: Damn right it is, Sonny! I lost Adeline in childbirth 40 years ago! Every Spring, when the dogwoods bloom and the foals take a first step, I think of the way she.. [ buzzer ]

Jim Greer: I’m sorry, that’s wrong. No, no that wasn’t grizzled, that was wistful. [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum, you can take a commanding lead here!

Tate Mitchum: I’ve buried wives, but a father should never bury a son. It was the flood of ’52, we were all caught on the levee, but.. I don’t want to talk about this no more.

Wayne: Yes! Yes, that is the answer! Well, now, you know what time it is? It’s time for the Grizzled Speed Round! This is your chance to catch up, Wayne. One minute, $200 a question, let’s begin. Money! [ Wayne buzzes in ]

Wayne: I don’t believe in banks, I keep my earnings in a coffee can!

Jim Greer: Correct! Government! [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum!

Tate Mitchum: They oughtta keep their damn noses out of people’s business!

Jim Greer: That’s right! Higher Education! [ Wayne buzzes in ] Wayne!

Wayne: Never had much cause for book larnin’!

Jim Greer: Yes! Immigration! [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum!

Tate Mitchum: Got a strong back, we can use you!

Jim Greer: Correct! Religion! [ Wayne buzzes in ] Wayne!

Wayne: The day I set foot on that beach in Normandy, I never wished more that there was a god in heaven, and I was never more certain that they wasn’t.

Tate Mitchum: Damn.. you are grizzled..

Jim Greer: We have a winner, and still champion – Wayne Little! Wayne, let’s take a look and see what you’ve won!

Prize Keeper: You have won some salted meats and a bottle of Rebel Yell!

Jim Greer: Thank you both for playing, and, Wayne, enjoy your prizes!

Wayne: No, no, I don’t need your charity, they ain’t no such thing as a free lunch where I come from! Now, if you’ll excuse, I got some work to do. [ exits ]

Tate Mitchum: I’ll be waiting for you after the show!

Jim Greer: Okay, that’s all the time we have! Thanks for joining us on “Who’s More Grizzled?”

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 28th, 1998

Garth Brooks

Garth Brooks

Robert Duvall

Clinton/Hussein/Lewinsky/Meadows Phone Chat

President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) engages in four-way chat.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Saddam Hussein, Monica Lewinsky.

Garth Brooks’ Monologue

Brooks relives his psychadelic music roots.

Cowboys On The Range

Mango

Brooks finds himself entranced by Mango (Chris Kattan).

Recurring Characters: Mango.

Oprah

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Monica Lewinsky.

TV Funhouse

“Fun With Real Audio” finds David Brenner struggling as a talk show guest.

Old French Whore!

Old French whores help high schoolers win prize money on game show.

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Cinder Calhoun (Ana Gasteyer) and Brooks sing “I’m In Love with Garth”.

Recurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun.

Garth Brooks performs “Two Pina Coladas”

Who’s More Grizzled?!

Old-timers (Brooks, Robert Duvall) compete via disgruntled life tales.

Hey, Remember the 80’s

Recurring Characters: Goat Boy.

Loew’s Movie Previews

Endless Shelley Long movie trailers trap theater-goers like shipwreck victims.

Lay, Lady, Lay

Intern (Will Ferrell) sings “Lay, Lady, Lay” to tiresome patient (Robert Duvall).

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 13

97m: Roma Downey / Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Oh! Thank you. Hi, I’m Colin Quinn.

Okay, first, let’s talk about this war in Iraq. What’s going on? Why are we involved? It’s simple. We’re the world’s policemen. Kuwait calls us up, we go to Iraq, we knock on the door…Hussein answers, Hussein’s like the drunk, shirtless guy, like you see on “Cops.” He’s like, “What’s up?!” Ah, we come out, we gotta complain, “We heard you got weapons in your house. One of your neighbors called us.” “Who was it, Afghanistan?! I’ll kill him!” “Cool your jets, it wasn’t Afghanistan.” Meanwhile, Kuwait is Iraq’s wife in the background with a black eye and smeared makeup. “No no, it’s okay, it’s my fault, he said he wouldn’t do it again!” Now we get in the middle of their domestic squabble, smack Hussein around a little bit, threaten him, maybe shoot him in the leg. But you know what always happens: they make up…Kuwait makes up with Iraq, they join forces and blame us, now we’re the bad guys. The Great Satan, you know? And every time we come around, they egg the patrol car or burn our flags. It’s not worth it! I think we should retire as the world’s policemen. Maybe take a part-time security job guard. Guarding…Nova Scotia….Okay…

Today is Valentine’s Day….Today is Valentine’s Day. White House spokesmen said that the President and Mrs. Clinton will honor the holiday by observing a moment of silence…expected to last the entire evening.

[photo of Tom Snyder, who has white hair and black eyebrows] Tom Snyder is considering leaving his “Late Late Show” on CBS, citing creative differences with his producer. The producer wants his eyebrows to match his head.

John Travolta has been in the press lately, criticizing Germany’s lack of tolerance for Scientologists. German officials disputed the charges, saying, “Look. We’re Germans. When we start religiously persecuting you, you’ll know it.”

The Institute for Highway Safety released a report this week that sports utility vehicles are responsible for higher death rates. [footage of O.J. Simpson’s Ford Bronco] [secretly] We know!

Ralph Waite…the guy who played the father on “The Waltons,” is running against the widow of Sonny Bono for his vacant congressional seat. The winner of the primary will face the Democratic candidate, the cast of “Rich Man, Poor Man.”

A 78-year-old man with a walker opened fire in a Nevada casino, wounding several gamblers. Two bystanders who were injured were treated in the casino, and went back to the tables to gamble….You know, fellas, if a 78-year-old man with a walker shoots you, maybe it’s not your lucky night.

[photo of New York City nightclub owner Peter Gashin with a patch on his left eye] Manhattan club owner Peter Gashin was acquitted of charges that he turned his New York nightclubs into drug supermarkets to increase business. Gashin claims that if there was any drug dealing in his club, it must have happened on his left side.

In sports, Jerry Jones hired Chan Gailey as the new head coach of the Dallas Cowboys this week. Coach Gailey is a devout Christian who’s proposing a “no swearing” policy to the team. When reached for comment, wide receiver Michael Irvin said, “I’ll try, but it’s hard not to swear when hookers…spill your blow.”

In Indiana…gangs are recruiting new members on the Internet. Now, that’s not gonna work. You know how people lie on the Internet….Right now there’s a 300-pound middle-aged housewife who’s an OG in the Crips….[secretly] I should have brought my donkey! All right…

Maine…Maine became the first state to appeal its gay rights law. Gay men protested by giving everyone a bad haircut and unfolding all the sweaters at Banana Republic. [some applause]…Now you’re talking!

All right, in this month’s Vanity Fair…[reaches underneath the desk, grabs the issue of Vanity Fair, and holds it up] Madonna claims that the only thing missing from her life is a man to share it with. So in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, [puts down the magazine] okay, I can take a hint, I’ll do it, Madonna. I’ll marry you. But first, let’s go over a few ground rules. [counts the rules on his hand] Number one: everything I have is yours, and everything you have is mine. We split all our finances down the middle, no questions. “Hey, what do you have in your account, what do I have in my account?” We both have money. You have your CDs, movies, production companies…I’ve been on “Update” four weeks! It’s starting to add up, baby! Don’t forget, I’m Irish, so every week I put five dollars in a Christmas Club account. Number two. Rule two? No loud talking, no dancing, flirting at parties or clubs, no outbursts. “Ooh, he’s cute! Alonzo Mourning! Kevin Garnett!” Uh-uh, honey. Sit down, honey, drink your drink. Rule number three…number three, Miss Madonna: no more sentences that start with “I”; I think, I want…now it’s Colin thinks, Colin says, Colin wants, and then on. Rule number four: I like celery in my tuna, and when the Jets are on, make yourself busy. Busy time. Rule number five…[holds up two fingers, looks at his hand, then holds up five fingers] five! See rule number one. All right? Remember this face; you’re gonna be seeing it for the next 40 years. Happy Valentine’s Day, honey!

I’m Colin Quinn, that’s the story I’m going with. Stick here with us! Good night!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 13

97m: Roma Downey / Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Today, on “Martha Stewart Living”.

Martha Stewart: I’m Martha Stewart. There are a lot of charming traditions associated with Cupid’s Holiday: fine Belgian chocolates, red roses, French Champaign, and of course, these delightfully nostalgic candy hearts. But today on Living, we’ll celebrate what I feel is the real essence of Valentines, loneliness and shame. I’ll show you some innovative ways to enjoy this Holiday solo, by yourself, in the deafening silence of your own home.

A terrific way to combat Valentine’s depression is to treat yourself to an erotic cake. I modeled this almond sponge cake after Michelangelo’s David. [camera pulls back to reveal a cake shaped as buttocks, Martha takes a lick] Now that’s a sweet piece of ass.

Massage oils are a pleasure meant for lovers but they’ve also become a staple of my life here alone in Connecticut. I made this sensual potion with sesame oil, lavender, and fresh elderberry, a natural aphrodisiac. When rubbed into your calves and other private places, it’ll ensure hours of secret, sexy fun. It’s a sensation I really cherish.

But being alone on Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean you can’t send heart-felt greetings to the significant people in your life. A favorite tradition of mine is to take a simple, cardboard box, garnish it will silk ribbon and velvet hearts, then defecate in the box and leave it in my ex-husband’s yard.

[cut to Martha with the box running up to an expensive house’s front porch]

After all, hatred is a form of passion. [she throws the box onto the porch and dashes back to her SUV, she then screams toward the house] Happy Valentine’s Day your M***** F*****! [she peels away from the house]

Announcer: Martha Stewart, today, on CBS.

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 14th, 1998

Roma Downey

Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot

None

Monica Lewinsky Congressional Address

Recurring Characters: Monica Lewinsky.

Roma Downey’s Monologue

Chess for Girls

(Repeat) See: 10/04/97.

The Culps

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

Catherine the Great

Martha Stewart Living

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Road To Nagano

I’m Riding My Donkey Political Talk Show

Monica Lewinsky’s Answering Machine I

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot performs “Sock It 2 Me” & “Beep Me 911”

Fran

Monica Lewinsky’s Answering Machine II

The Ladies Man
Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

TV Funhouse

Lou’s Lovely Daughters

Monica Lewinsky’s Answering Machine III

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 12

97l: John Goodman / Paula Cole

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Randy Graves…..Will Ferrell

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Hello!…[composes himself] Hm. Hm! Hm!

Okay…we’ve been off for two weeks, so I’ve had a lot of time to think about this Clinton thing. Okay, past all the jokes, I really feel bad for him. I mean, this is a man so full of self-hatred, that he puts a lifetime of achievement on the line for a series of Olive Garden hostesses. And do you know why Clinton denied being with Monica Lewinsky? ‘Cause she’s not that hot. That’s the sad truth. Most guys have done this: made it with the ugly girl at the bar, the next day your friends are ribbin’ you: “You did her last night.” “No I didn’t.” “Yeah you did.” “You swear you didn’t?” Then, and…and you see it: she comes into the bar all dolled up because she thinks she has a boyfriend….She’s got the new hat, you know? And you have to stop her, she starts hugging you…you saw how Clinton hugged her, it was that morning-after hug. It’s like, “Hey! Hey! Be cool! Come on!” You know? And I guarantee he does it again. You know, Clinton’s that kind of guy, those guys, that you always have that one friend that’s just a hound, like that? Clinton’s back right now. Even with all the trouble at the Olive Garden eating garlic rolls, you know, with Vernon Jordan? He’s like, “Vernon, I’m so depressed…Hiiiiiii! How ya doin’?” You know?…[disappointed by that last joke] Okay….And now, here’s the news.

Mike Tyson’s having money problems. Apparently he owes the IRS seven million dollars. After going over his tax return, they found out he tried to write off Evander Holyfield’s ear as a business dinner.

Former Knick Anthony Mason was charged this morning with having sex with two underage girls. When asked if he’s worried about the fans’ reaction, he said, [picture of Woody Allen and his wife, Soon-Yi Previn] “I’m sure some of them won’t mind.”

Mary Kay LeTourneau, the teacher who had sex with a 13-year-old boy, was arrested after she was found with him in a car. The teacher will be sent back to prison, and the boy is enjoying his highest approval rating ever….Kid!…Let me talk to this kid. Kid! You’re too young to realize it now, but you’re doin’ good! You’re doin’ real good! I don’t know how you carry yourself, how you dress, but whatever you’re doin’, keep doin’ it. You’re doin’ all right for 13….I know, it’s…touching. Um…

According to weather forecasters, El Niño’s cold-weather sister, La Niña, [audience starts to laugh] will be bringing extreme cold–this is true–to the eastern Pacific. [trying to quell laughter] It’s true! Meanwhile…who knew El Niño had a sister? You know, I think we’re in a lot of weather trouble. Why? Did you ever hear of a Spanish family with only two kids? Come on! [cheers and applause] Folks, it’s true. I know it sounds…but we’re stocking up on canned goods, so let’s leave it at that.

Karl– [waits for audience to calm down] Karla Fay Tucker’s last meal was a banana, a peach, and a salad. What kind of last meal is that? That’s a first date meal. The kind of thing you order with the guys, so you won’t think you’re gonna get fat? We’ve brainwashed women so badly in this society that we even order something they want on the day of execution….All right? She doesn’t want the other death row warden talking about her. “Ooh! Her ass looked huge in that chair!”…Uh…

The opening ceremonies at the Olympics were last night. I don’t know what the big deal is here. Somebody who skates 14 hours a day, that’s not an athlete. That’s obsessive-compulsive disorder, all right? [a woman cheers] What’s next, you get a gold medal for turning the stove off…100 times in an hour?…All right…

An Indiana convict who actually asked to be executed for the murder of another inmate was killed by lethal injection last week. His final words: “Wow! That’s the last time I try reverse psychology!”

All right….[reaches under the desk, grabs a copy of Vanity Fair with Matt Damon on the cover and holds it up] Let’s talk about him here, Matt Damon….Now why is this guy starting to piss me off? All right? I know, he wrote a great movie, he’s a great actor, seems like a nice guy, but it’s all a little too perfect. And that’s a little bit annoying, let’s face the facts. [puts down the magazine] All right, him and his buddy wrote Good Will Hunting and went from rags to riches and everyone’s so happy, ha ha ha. Well guess what, I’m not happy for him. You know who I’m happy for when he does good? Me. I’m happy when I do good. People say, “Oh, you’re just jealous.” So what? What’s wrong with that? Jealousy started this country, all right? People were jealous that the Indians had a beautiful continent and they came over and took it. But here’s the part that pisses me off….You have the two best friends, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, you know, they wrote the movie together, Good Will Hunting, but you know it was Ben Affleck that did all the taping – typing, you know, while Matt Damon was on the bed doing hammer curls, all right? You can just see Affleck hunched over the computer like Ben Kingsley in Schindler’s List, you know? While the arrogant, two-time Matt Damon, the spawn of beer hall fascism and Sid Field screenwriting books, sits on the balcony like Ray Fiennes in his bathrobe shooting at people….All right. Obviously, there’s a problem that needs to be dealt with here, you know, I’m not saying that…I don’t know if it’s mine, it seems to be Matt Damon’s from where I’m sitting but, you know, that’s it….Let’s get back to him later.

All right, a New York Lottery winner was convicted of murder this week. He’ll get 50 years or one month a year for life. [some applause]

Police in California are looking for the killer or killers of a dozen sea lions, some of whom were decapitated. Reached for comment, O.J. Simpson said, “I really resent whatever joke you’re about to make here.”

[Colin reaches under the desk, grabs a collage, and holds it up. The collage contains several death symbols as well as a doctored photo of Matt Damon and Adolf Hitler together.]

All right, here’s what I did. Now, this is…I know it looks a lot – I finally figured it out, I had a little time yesterday…I…made a little collage…eh, worked through some of the emotions me and Matt are going through, obviously. I’ve broken it down, as you see, we have a collage of some of the atrocities Matt might have committed in another time and place. Matt! We need to talk! [puts the collage away] All right.

There’s a new doll on the market this week: Carlos, a Puerto Rican gay doll with a boyfriend named Billy. The doll’s creators…the doll’s creators said they are proud to be making America’s first gay dolls. To which Ken replied, “Hello-ooo!” [cheers and applause]…Thank alle!

Okay, we’ve heard a lot of opinions from the media about the White House scandal. What we haven’t heard is straight talk from young people. Here tonight from the University of Ohio is Sigma Epsilon’s own Randy Graves.

[pan over to Randy, who is wearing a red “Ohio” sweatshirt and a backwards baseball cap and talks like a stereotypical college frat boy]

Randy Graves: [has his hand up towards Colin, expecting a high-five] COLON! [pronounces it “Col-ohn”] WOOO! COLON! COLIN! AAOWW! [puts his hand down] WOOO! First of all, this is a big story, dude. Read the papes! This thing is huge! Basically, what happened: the President of the United States, Slick Willie, went for a kick-ass hummer on the sly…and this BITCH, Linda Tripp, totally cockblocked him! Simple as that!

Now, my good bro, Steve Pinner, we were in the same pledge class, he got arrested for rape, we used to call him Hambone. HAMBONE! CHECK IT OUT! HAMBONE! Anyway, the papers called him “The Laundry Room Rapist.” He was clockblocked by some bitch. Tripp is a bitch, Hillary’s a bitch, but Bubba’s cool ’cause he’s out looking for a BJ! [turns back to Colin and puts his hand back up] Give it up, Colin! AAOWW! [some applause] Colon! Colonial foot soldier! COLON! AAOWW! [puts his hand back down and faces the audience]…Come on, man, he won’t give it up!…[to Colin] Dude, are you gay?…You gotta give it up for the bitch line, Quinny!

Anyway, Billy broy…he broke rule numero uno: do not dip your pen in the company ink! Am I right? AOW! Dude, I remember this bro, Derek Adkins, he was the COOLEST! You don’t even KNOW! He was the COOLEST! Anyway, we were having this slave auction fundraiser, and we’re all…we’re all out on the party porch…and, uh…[starts to get choked up] and there were way too many people out there, and…the porch gave way, and…Adkins fell…and he hit his head on the ground, but…but it’s cool…they got him a van with a ramp that he drives with his teeth now, so…[sings] in your eyes, the light’s a heat in your eyes, I am complete! [back to normal] He loved that song! He loved that song! [puts his hand back up] Colon! [puts his hand back down]

That’s what I’m talkin’ about with this President thing! You are the coolest, Colin! You are the man! Give it up for Colin Quinn! [cheers] Give it up! Stand up in your chairs! I’m out! [puts his hand up once again]

Colin: Randy Graves, everyone! Randy Graves! [laughs and finally high-fives Randy] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking with it. Good night!

Randy: [starts in the middle of Colin’s closing] Stand up! Colin Quinn! Stand up!

[Colin laughs while trying to high-five Randy several times]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 12

97l: John Goodman / Paula Cole

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Martha Stewart shares highlights from her trip to Cuba.

Martha: I’m Martha Stewart. Golden plantains, aromatic hand-rolled cigars, vibrant peasant textiles. Last week the Pope and I visited Cuba, a country known for its lush vegetation, quaint Castilian architecture and hideous oppressive communism.

Tomorrow on “Living,” I’ll show you the most important thing you can learn about Cuba when I share some elegant and creative ways to escape from this poverty-stricken cesspool of a nation.

The raft has long been the flotation device of choice for Cuban émigrés. I made this one from some sun-bleached driftwood, woven together with raffia. I’ll show you how to build rafts that are functional, visually pleasing, and able to withstand shark attack.

All international travelers need a passport. But when you’re ripping yourself from the clutches of a militant, leftist dictator, your passport may need a little doctoring. With just some aged parchment paper and a jar of India ink, I was able to turn Carlos Enrique Lopez into Kenneth Matthews. Now Kenneth does all my landscaping.

Of course, nothing is more useful to the fleeing Cuban dissident than the latex surgical glove. It’s a classic. This all-purpose, weather-proof, traveling case can be stuffed with jewelry, money or food to sustain you during your trip. I’ve stuffed this one with bean cake and a fresh guava chutney. And best of all, they can be easily hidden in your nether quarters. I’ve got my lunch hidden there right now.

I spent seven days in the crumbling ruins of Cuba before hauling ass back to the Hamptons. And take it from me, the life of a bourgeois capitalist pig is a pretty good thing.

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts