SNL Tonight

Collette Reardon

Collette Reardon…..Cheri Oteri
Don…..John Goodman

Collette: Hi. I need to get some… prescriptions filled. Where’s Cliff?

Don: Uh, Cliff’s at lunch. I’m Don. Wow, that’s a lot of prescriptions. Let’s see what we have here. Percodan, 1000 mg, 500 count?

Collette: Boating accident. Bruised my arm. Dr. Randazo thought I just need to take some Bufferin. For the bruise. But I sensed a touch of bursitis, so, better safe than—well, you know the rest.

Don: So, are you taking any other medications?

Collette: Well this morning I was feeling a little sluggish, so I popped a handful of Benzadrine, to get a jumpstart, you know, just a quick pick-me-up. I got errands.

Don: There’s a new pick-me-up you could try. It’s called coffee.

Collette: HA HA!

Don: I’m serious. All right, you also need a gallon jar of powdered Dilaudid?

Collette: Per Dr. Doug Yoshiki. My ear, nose and throat guy.

Don: You know, you gotta be careful with that stuff. It’s like powdered heroin.

Collette: Tell me about it. I’m diabetic.

Don: It says to inject 500 mg 12 times a day? Are you sure that’s a correct dosage?

Collette: Funny story. Dr. Swicklis got me on Darvan and Demorol. Fine. Dr. Aku has me on Tritescaline, Prozac and Thiazine.

Don: Thiazine the steroid?

Collette: Let me finish, Don. Long story short, I’m late for my hairdresser’s funeral, I cut across the lawn, slip on a fresh crap, and voila! Guess who bruised two fingers?

Don: Collette Reardon…

Collette: That’s me! So there’s that, on top of the grief, well, you must imagine how depressed I was, luckily I find five tabs of lithium at the bottom of my purse, but Mashigian, my OB/GYN, says I probably shouldn’t mix prescriptions on account of the drinking, Don. So what he suggests? The Dilaudid. Surprise!

Don: Big surprise. All right, next we have 65 mg phenobarbitol…

Collette: The same one the Heaven’s Gate’s kids used.

Don: Hold the vodka.

Collette: HA HA!

Don: I’m serious. All right, this one says 1000 buttons of religious-quality peyote.

Collette: Dr. Steve Longshoe. Practices medicine on the reservation. Good kid. GOOD KID!

Don: Mrs. Reardon, I’m not sure your HMO carries peyote, I’m not sure we even carry peyote, but why don’t you have a seat in our waiting area right over there—

Collette: I know where it is, eye candy. Say, this may be the Benzedrine talking, but you’re a slice of man meat, and this prescription says take with food, huh?

Don: Here’s a Whitman sampler on the house, now please, wait over there.

Collette: Okay.

Don: (on phone) Yes, Dr. Steve Longshoe, please. Uh, yes, doctor, I just wanted to check on a patient of yours, Collette Reardon?

Collette: Tell him I said hi, Don.

Don: (on phone) No, I didn’t mean to suggest anything, Dr. Longshoe. Okay. Yeah. Just stay off the firewater. No, I’m serious.

Collette: (singing to herself) “Little ditty ‘bout Jack and Diane, two American kids living in the heartland.”

Don: All right, Mrs. Reardon, everything seems to check out. Here are your medications.

Collette: Thanks, Don. Ooo, I better take my pills and get to work. You gotta be in top form, Don, when you’re driving a schoolbus full of kindergarteners.

Don: You gotta be careful, Mrs. Reardon. You make Courtney Love look like Amy Grant.

Collette: HA HA! Don!

Don: I’m serious.

(fade)

Submitted by: Robert Levy

SNL Transcripts

John Goodman’s Monologue

… John Goodman
… Tim Meadows
… Lorne Michaels

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, JohnGoodman!

John Goodman: Thank you very much! Thank you!Thank you very much! It’s really a great pleasure tobe here. This is, if you can believe it, my eighthtime hosting — and I feel great! [cheers andapplause] I’m back here, Spring is in the air and, Idon’t know if you noticed it or not, but I’ve lostsome weight — over seventy pounds. [cheers andapplause] Thank you. Seventy pounds. Took me five daysto do it … And, except for the constant vomiting andlightheadedness, I feel great. Anyway, now that I’mhosting for the eighth time, I kinda feel like I’mpart of the show’s history, hand in hand with suchgreat cast members as Bill Murray, Alan Alda, PhyliciaRashad … Herman Munster– Oh, yeah! The – the”Where’s the Beef?!” lady! … Every week, it’s thirtyminutes of magic.

[Tim Meadows, still wearing the dress he wore for thecold opening, enters and confronts Goodman]

Tim Meadows: Hey, uh, John, uh, you feelin’okay, man? What happened to the Mother’s Daymonologue?

John Goodman: Right. Sorry. [to the camera] Uh,cut! Just do another take, we’ll use that one. [to thecrowd] Uh, just– Folks, we’re just gonna do one moretake and I’ll have it, folks. I’m sorry. [turns tohead upstage but Tim grabs him]

Tim Meadows: John, John, John! What – what youdoin’, man? We’re live.

John Goodman: [overcome with silent laughter,grinning broadly] No, we’re not!

Tim Meadows: Yeah, yeah, yes, we are,man.

John Goodman: Ha! Pal, wake up! [to the crowd]I’m sorry, everyone. Apparently, my little fruityfriend here isn’t … aware that I’ve, uh, hosted theSaturday Night Fun Hour eight times — and I think I’dknow if it were live!

Tim Meadows: Yeah. But John the show’s calledSaturday Night Live. Okay? You’re live rightnow.

John Goodman: [soberly] Oh, great. Suddenly,the show’s live. … That’s okay. Live or not, I stillknow the show cold.

Tim Meadows: Okay, John. Great. [gives Goodmana pat on the back and exits]

John Goodman: Thanks. [sighs] Let’s get thisthing going, all right? [instantly adopts a supercoolveejay voice] Folks, we got a lot of great musicvideos coming up. Right now … let’s get ready forStyx. Roll the video. … [to off screen director DaveWilson] Okay, Davey, have we cut away to the video?Good. Okay, I’m gonna go to my trailer and lose somemore weight. [turns to exit, Tim rushes back in andgrabs him]

Tim Meadows: John, John, wait, man. John, whereyou goin’, man?

John Goodman: Oh, I was just gonna put my headin the diet machine while the videos are playin’ forthe kids.

Tim Meadows: Right. Okay. [to producer LorneMichaels who now enters] Hey, thank God you’re here![Tim happily hugs Lorne]

Lorne Michaels: John, listen, we’re not gonnarun any music videos.

John Goodman: Trust me, we are. And you knowhow I know how? I’ve hosted the show eight times!Eight! [quietly, to Lorne] How long haveyou been here?

Lorne Michaels: Since 1975. I’m the producer ofthe show, John.

John Goodman: [snidely] I know who you are,Leon!

Lorne Michaels: What kind of diet are you on,exactly?

John Goodman: It’s the usual. Grapefruit,Clorox, fiberglass …

Lorne Michaels: Listen, everything’s gonna befine. You’re – you’re doing great. Just – just readwhat’s on the cards.

John Goodman: [sarcastic] Thanks, Leon. …

Tim Meadows: [happily, to Lorne] You did it!You saved the show again! [high-pitched giggle, hugsLorne again]

Lorne Michaels: Easy, Fruity. … [Tim andLorne exit]

John Goodman: [enthusiastic] All right! We’vegot a great show! We’re gonna have some apes fighteach other, dressed like gladiators!

[Tim and Lorne rush on again]

Tim Meadows: John, John, John, John.

Lorne Michaels: John, that’s not what’s on thecards.

John Goodman: [quietly] I’m sorry. We really dohave a great show. Jewel is here. So, stick around.We’ll be right back.

[Cheers and applause. Goodman looks glum but Tim andLorne applaud happily and Tim hugs Lorne again as wepull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Marlon Brando…..John Goodman
Phil Donahue…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. As you know, all of our celebrities are playing for charity. Marlon Brando, your charity is “Habitat for Humanity”; Phil Donahue, yours is the “Children Are Our Future Foundation”; and, Burt Reynolds, yours is the “Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort”. We have quite a match going here, let’s look at the score: We’ve got a close race going on for second place between Phil Donahue at -$6,800, and Burt Reynolds with -$6,900. And, at a commanding lead, it’s Marlon Brando with -$4,500. Better luck to all of you in the next round. It’s time for “Double Jeopardy”, let’s take a look at our board. The categories are: “Famous Roberts”, “Three Letter Words”, “Potpourri”, “Potent Potables”, “Colors”, “Holidays”, and, finally, “U.S. States”. Marlon, you pick the category.

Marlon Brando: Uh.. “Fishing”, for $1,000.

Alex Trebek: There’s no “Fishing” on the board, Marlon.

Marlon Brando: Uh.. I like “Fishing”.

Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s great. Let’s just start with “Famous Roberts”, for $400. The answer is: “This was John F. Kennedy’s younger brother.” [ Marlon buzzes in ] Marlon Brando?

Marlon Brando: Teddy.

Alex Trebek: No.

Marlon Brando: “Who’s Teddy?”

Alex Trebek: No!

Marlon Brando: “What is Teddy?”

Alex Trebek: No! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: I’ll tell you something, Alex.. I think he’s right.

Alex Trebek: No, he’s not right! Remember the category: “Famous Roberts”.. in the Kennedy Family.

Burt Reynolds: “Who is Robert Blake?”

Alex Trebek: [ stunned ] No! [ Phil buzzes in ] Phil Donahue?

Phil Donahue: Well, my dear, good man, the board appears.. to be mine. I mean, in a tricky game where questions are answers, answers are questions, “Who’s on first?”, “What’s in the chicken?”, whoa-oa! and all of a sudden, I’m walking.. [ time-out buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: Phil, your time is up. Marlon, you still have control of the board.

Marlon Brando: [ playing with his buzzer ] In Tahiti, they have these dogs.. that they train to catch frisbees in their mouthes.. it’s amazing..

Alex Trebek: [ exasperated ] And I’ll pick the category for you. “Holidays”, for $400. The answer is: “This December 25th holiday involves decorating a tree and opening presents.” [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, “what is my birthday?”

Alex Trebek: Is December 25th your birthday, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: No, July 5th!

Alex Trebek: Actually, I have your bio here – it’s February 11th. [ Burt buzzes again ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: “What is July 5th?”

Alex Trebek: [ perplexed ]Absolutely not! [ Phil buzzes in ] Yes! Phil Donahue?

Phil Donahue: [ poised ] Little Bobby, and little Susie, have hung their stockings with care. Mom and Dad are out looking for Tickle-Me-Elmo ’til five a.m., and all of a sudden, Bobby looks up and he says, “Hey! Who is this Jesus?”

Alex Trebek: [ angry ] You know the answer, just say it!

Phil Donahue: Meanwhile, Kris Kringle is drinking Coke! The reindeer are playing Nintendo! The elves are wearing Nike..! [ time-out buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: Time is up, Mr. Donahue! The answer was “Christmas”. [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: [ from out of nowhere ] He’s a good guy!

Alex Trebek: [ confused ] What?! What was that, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Robert Blake! Good guy! You ought to think about putting him up on your board, there!

Alex Trebek: Once again, Mr. Brando, the board is unfortunately yours.

Marlon Brando: [ twisting his buzzer in his hands ] I went into a 7-11 this morning.. and I wandered over to the magazine rack.. there’s so many magazines about cars..

Alex Trebek: [ interrupting ] I’m going to assume you picked “Colors”, for $800. Name this color. [ a red swatch appears on the game board ] Let’s just forget the whoe “answer in the form of a question” thing.. just name this color! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, it’s a rectangle!

Alex Trebek: At this point, Mr. Reynolds, I’m convinced you have a learning disability. [ Phil buzzes in ] Mr. Donahue?

Phil Donahue: We live in a society where everyone claims to be color-blind..

Alex Trebek: I know where this is going! [ Marlon buzzes in ] Mr. Brando?

Marlon Brando: [ slowly removing his pants ] You knoq, I was riding a bicycle.. that I made myself.. and I was with Wally Cox.. and, God, I miss him, he was a good man.. e had fingers like a sailor.. I remember one time, in Bangkok.. [ time-out buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: The answer was “Red”. Mr. Donahue, you are at -$7,200; Mr. Reynolds.. you seem to have broken your buzzer.. and Mr. Brando, you’re naked from the waist down. Let’s just move on to “Final Jeopardy”. I tell you what, let’s just forget the question. All you have to do to win the game is write down the current year. What year it is right now. [ the “Final Jeopardy” theme plays, as the contestants barely make an effort to write down an answer ] It’s a number. What year is it this year? It starts with a “19”. [ Alex approaches the contestants to check their answers ] Okay, let’s see what we’ve got. Mr. Donahue appears to have written way too much.. in fact, he’s still going on. Let’s see what he’s got so far. [ a lengthy monologue appears on his screen ] Not even close.

Phil Donahue: Oh, come on!

Alex Trebek: Okay, now, Mr. Reynolds, I didn’t see you write anything, maybe I missed it.. [ a blank screen appears ] ..and I didn’t. You gave no answer.

Burt Reynolds: Why don’t you let me buy a vowel?

Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s infuriating. [ approaches Marlon Brando, who has a puppet on his hand ] Mr. Brando chose to speak to a puppet, in lieu of participating. Maybe the puppet wrote down an answer. [ Marlon’s screen is revealed to have the word “POOP” written on it ] You wrote “Poop”. This must be a proud moment for you, Mr. Brando.

Marlon Brando: [ concentrating on his puppet ] You’re a squawking parrot.. you’re an ant.

[ Burt squawks like a parrot ]

Alex Trebek: Okay.. Mr. Reynlds is the winner, by having the least negative amount of money. On his behalf, the Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort will receive a check for $10,000. That’s it for “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I quit.

SNL Transcripts

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
“Fireball”…..John Goodman

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCulen.

Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And you’re listening to..

Together: “The Delicious Dish”, on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, the days are getting longer, and the mercury is rising.

Teri Rialto: It sure is, Margaret Jo. And that cna only mean one thing.

Together: Summer.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now.. one of my favorite things about summer is that you can have your meals outside.

Teri Rialto: That is neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. It’s fun. It’s warm. It’s warm outside.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. Summer’s my favorite season.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Same here. Because it’s hotter than the rest of the year.

Teri Rialto: It sure is.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s fun, isn’t it?

Teri Rialto: It’s neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Fun.

Teri Rialto: Good times. Now, we have some exciting ideas on how to keep cool during these summer months.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s right, Teri. One of my favoritesummer treats is a nice tall glass of soda water.

Teri Rialto: Mmm.. me, too. Sometimes, to keep things interesting, I like to add a little bit of ice.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks for bringing that up.

Teri Rialto: You’re welcome.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I see your point.

Teri Rialto: Thank you. And, actually, I don’t know if you noticed, there are many different kinds of ice.

Margaret Jo McCullen: You’re absolutely right. There’s cubed ice.

Teri Rialto: Crushed ice.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Cracked ice.

Teri Rialto: Shaved ice.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Shaved ice? I didn’t know ice could growa beard!

[ they laugh ]

Teri Rialto: That’s funny! Did you just think of that right now?

Margaret Jo McCullen: No, I thought of it last night and wrote it down.

Teri Rialto: You’re very funny.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks.

Teri Rialto: You’re so fun to be around.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks, so are you. It’s fun being with you.

Teri Rialto: You’re welcome. But you know, Margaret Jo, you could soda water all you want, but it still wouldn’t be summer without one thing.

Together: Cookouts.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s right. We’re so thrilled to have our special guest with us today.

Teri Rialto: I feel really thrilled.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Me, too. He’s the two-time winner of theGreat American Chili Cookoff, and his spicy five-alarm chili recipes are all I need to get my bronco bucking.

Teri Rialto: So please welcome – Rusty “Fireball” Wilson. Thanks for coming, “Fireball”.

“Fireball”: You’re sure welcome. Wow. I’m really fired up to be here.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, “Fireball”, talking to you is justlike being out on the old West.

Teri Rialto: Tell us, “Fireball”, what is your recipe for anunforgettable summer cookout?

“Fireball”: Well, you know I’m gonna hurt my book sales for telling you this.. but there are three critical ingredients for an authentic summer barbecue. You might want to grab a pen for this. They are: meat, bread, and sauce.

Teri Rialto: You might want to say that again, in case our listeners didn’t have a chance to get a pen.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s a good idea.

“Fireball”: Sure. Meat. [ pause ] Bread. [ pause ] And sauce.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow. My stomach’s really starting to growl.

“Fireball”: Well, when all of it is said and done, no single element of a barbecue can get your mouth watering like a clean grill.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I’ll be darned.

Teri Rialto: I guess that’s why you’re the expert.

“Fireball”: Yeah. You should always clean your grill. A wirebrush is a good thing to use.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I don’t mean to rock your boat, “Fireball”, but what about using an S.O.S. pad.

“Fireball”: [ thinking ] Shoot, I should have put that in my book.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks!

Teri Rialto: You know, “Fireball”, I’ll bet there’s a world offacts about grills.

“Fireball”: Oh, there sure is. Did you know that the first gasgrill was invented in 1934.

Teri Rialto: Yes, I did.

Margaret Jo McCullen: By Captain Carl Heinrick of Belgium.
“Fireball”: Bingo.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hey, look, we have a call!

“Fireball”: That’s exciting.

Together: “Delicious Dish”, you’re on the air!

Caller: Yeah, hi. I’m a big fan of the show.. but let me get this straight – are you guys talking about cooking food outside?

Teri Rialto: Yes, that’s what we’re talking about.

Caller: But I mean, there’s birds and rain outside. Who knowswhat could happen.

Margaret Jo McCullen: You’re right.. but, likewise, cookouts can be pretty unpredictable.

Caller: Okay. So, here’s my question: could I cook my foodinside, while I look out the window?

Teri Rialto: Uh.. tht’s not a problem for us. “Fireball”?

“Fireball”: Fine by me – only, in that case, you should call ita “cook-in”.

[ they laugh ]

Teri Rialto: That’s funny! You.. you should be on “Carson”!

“Fireball”: I almsot was.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, uh.. thank you for calling.
Teri Rialto: Thanks for calling!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Uh-oh, Teri, we’ve done it again – we’re out of time.

Teri Rialto: Oh, that’s too bad.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, join us tomorrow on “Delicious Dish”, when our topic will be..

Together: Eggs.

“Fireball”: I had a good time.

Teri Rialto: Me, too.

“Fireball”: I hope I ddin’t ruin your show.

Margaret Jo McCullen: No, you didn’t. It was really fun for us..

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Bill Brasky

First Friend of Brasky…..Will Ferrell
Second Friend of Brasky…..John Goodman
Third Friend of Brasky…..Mark McKinney
Guy in Stands…..Tim Meadows
Parent…..Ana Gasteyer

Scene opens with a shot of a little league game in progress and the Brasky Buddies sitting on bleachers along with other parents.

First Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!!

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah, best damn salesman in the office.

Third Friend of Brasky: Hey, to Bill Brasky!!

All: BILL BRASKY!

First Friend of Brasky: An eight-foot, two-ton monster who can palm a medicine ball! That’s what he is.

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah!

Parent: Excuse me, a lot of us have come here to watch our children. Would you please just stop drinking and yelling?!

First Friend of Brasky: You got a nice caboose on you, honey.

Third Friend of Brasky: Ya sure do!

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah!

Parent: You are horrible men!

Second Friend of Brasky: (yelling off screen) Come on Junior! If you don’t catch the ball I’ll put the dog to sleep!!

First Friend of Brasky: You’re a fine father!

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah, last night, I tried to kill myself again.

There is a long pause

First Friend of Brasky: So anyways, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra “Beverly”. And he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day, it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid.

Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky would use his own thigh as an anvil!!

Third Friend of Brasky: You know, it was the sight of Brasky’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane!

Second Friend of Brasky: He showers in grain alcohol!!

First Friend of Brasky: He uses the Shroud of Terin as a golf towel!!

Second Friend of Brasky: He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident!!

Third Friend of Brasky: He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls!!

First Friend of Brasky: His first name is BILL!! (long pause) I’m drunk.

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah. He makes every woman that sleeps with him, refer to him as “Bear Bryant”!!

First Friend of Brasky: He once ate the bible while water skiing!!

Third Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you? He once had sex with a cigarette machine!!

First Friend of Brasky: (says something incoherent in a drunken slur) You’re damn right and every kid on this field was FATHERED BY BILL BRASKY!! Every one of ‘em!!

All: BILL BRASKY!!!

Guy In Stands: Hey! Are you guys talking about Bill Brasky??

All: WE SURE ARE!!

Guy In Stands: I KNOW BILL BRASKY!!

First Friend of Brasky: I wanna be your dear friend!!

(Suddenly a loud, deep off screen voice chimes in)

Bill Brasky: HEY EVERYBODY, THIS GAME’S CALLED ON A COUNT OF SCOTCH!!! ‘CAUSE BILL BRASKY WANTS A DRINK!!!

All: BILL BRASKY!!!

Fade to black

Thanks to Blake B. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 10th, 1997

John Goodman

Jewel

Mike Myers

Jewel, “Who Will Save Your Soul?”

Oprah

Anne Heche (Chris Kattan) abuses Ellen Degeneres (Mark McKinney) in front of Oprah (Tim Meadows).

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.

John Goodman’s Monologue

Extensive weight loss results in on-air confusion for Goodman.

Caribbean Essence Bath Oil

(Repeat) See: 10/05/96.

Celebrity Jeopardy!

Celebrities continue to fare poorly for their favorite charities.

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Phil Donahue, Burt Reynolds.

Talkin’ with Suel

Talk show confusion, thanks to unintelligble Suel Forrestor (Chris Kattan).

Recurring Characters: Suel Forrestor.

Good Samaritan Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy (Tim Meadows) performs a community service by saving a transvestite.

Delicious Dish

Barbecue expert (Goodman) outlines tips for Margaret Jo (Ana Gasteyer) & Teri (Molly Shannon).

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Dominican Lou (Tracy Morgan) comments on

Recurring Characters: Dominican Lou.

Jewel performs “Who Will Save Your Soul”

The Culps

Marty (Will Ferrell) & Bobbie (Ana Gasteyer) perform a medley at school prom.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

Collette Reardon

Overly-medicated Colette Reardon (Cheri Oteri) picks up prescriptions at pharmacy.

Recurring Characters: Colette Reardon.

Jewel performs “You Were Meant For Me”

Bill Brasky

Bill Brasky’s buddies talk big about him at kids’ softball game.

Recurring Characters: Friends of Bill Brasky.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

Embattled House Speaker Newt Gingrich may finally havesolved his financial troubles. On Thursday, Gingrichannounced that former Senator Bob Dole has loaned himthe three hundred thousand dollars needed to pay hisethics committee fine. And today, more good news forGingrich: Dole has already forgotten he loaned him themoney.

Meanwhile, Gingrich this week criticized AttorneyGeneral Janet Reno’s decision not to seek anindependent counsel to investigate Democratic fundraising, even comparing her to notorious Watergatefigure John Mitchell. Reno called the comparisonridiculous, saying, quote: “For one thing, JohnMitchell did not have a mustache.”

In an interview this week with Diane Sawyer, Mafiaturncoat Sammy “The Bull” Gravano revealed that JohnGotti once considered trying to buy a presidentialpardon for five million dollars. According to Gravano,however, he and Gotti were too afraid to get involvedwith, quote: “those kinds of people.” [Photo of Billand Hillary Clinton]

According to O. J. Simpson’s niece Terry Baker, whenO. J.’s mother, Eunice Simpson, first heard about theslaying of Nicole Brown, she exclaimed, “He did it!”Reached for comment, O. J. said, “My mom was justguessing, I hadn’t even told her yet.”

Man in Audience: Boo!

Norm MacDonald: [chuckles at the heckler’sbooing and joins in] Boo.

Secretary of State Madeline Albright has announcedthat she will represent the United States this summerat ceremonies marking the transfer of British HongKong to Chinese rule. President Clinton also plans toattend the event but he will be representing China, so… [applause]

This week, as America marked the fiftieth anniversaryof Jackie Robinson’s entry into major league baseball,there was a sobering reminder that racial prejudice insports is not yet a thing of the past. In a shockingmove today, all but one of the one hundred andtwenty-five playing members of the Professional GolfAssociation have signed a petition to ban AfricanAmerican golfers from the tour. [Photo of Tiger Woods]

In Los Angeles this week, actor Arnold Schwarzeneggerunderwent heart surgery to repair a faulty heartvalve. Doctors were concerned because during a routineexamination of Schwarzenegger, they got a littleturned on. … They became concerned, you know, whensomething like that’ll happen, you know. [pause]That’s a pause for thought for whatever…”

In Indiana, the State legislature has approved a lawrequiring professional hypnotists to be trained ataccredited institutions and certified by the statemedical licensing board. Hmm … [pulls tape recorderfrom pocket, activates it and speaks into it] Note toself: Cancel plans to tour Indiana as hypnotist thissummer. … [shuts off recorder but then reconsidersand turns it back on] Oh wait, wait! Ignore previousnote. Instead, note to self: Get fake hypnotismdiploma and proceed as planned! [nods and grins smuglyas he pockets recorder]

According to a survey in the new issue of Men’s HealthMagazine, men are more likely to procrastinate thanwomen. Except when it comes to having orgasms. …[applause]

Last week in Tampa, Florida, William Santiago, a mailcarrier for twenty-seven years, was fired from his joband now faces up to five years in jail for keeping twomagazines which had been sent to a nonexistentaddress. Postal officials admit that they could havelet him off with just a warning but then he wouldn’tcome back some day and shoot thirty people. So …they decided to be a little strict.

Last week in Kansas City, two people that were– twohome– two people– [pause] Oh, drat! Two– [cheersand applause in reference to Norm’s cussing on theprevious episode]

Two homeless people who met at a soup kitchen weremarried in front of homeless guests at the very samesoup kitchen. For those who want to give the couple awedding gift, they are registered at Kansas City’sDistrict 5 Recycling Plant.

In South Dakota, inmates at the State Penitentiary saythat a new policy which allows officials to read theirmail is an example of the routine violations ofindividual rights in prison. A better example would bethe daily anal rapes but I guess they want to startoff small and then … [laughter but also some booingfrom a heckler in the crowd] … then work up to thedaily anal rapes. You know, they’ll start off with thereading their mail, you know…

With the resignation of two police officers inVergennes, Vermont, the city’s 2,500 residents are nowleft with only one policeman. [pulls out his recorderagain] Note to self: Uh, if I get fired for cursing onthe air last week, drive up to Vergennes, Vermont,hypnotize the remaining policeman … and loot town!… [grinning broadly, Norm pockets his recorder]Yeah, okay. [cheers and applause]

And, finally, the votes are in and EntertainmentWeekly has chosen its Funniest Man Alive. And who isthe Funniest Man Alive? You guessed it — FrankStallone! … Congratulations, Frank Stallone!

And that’s the way it is! Good night!

[Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk and startsto take the microphone off his necktie. Music.Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

The Twilight Zone

Rod Serling…..Norm MacDonald
Doctor…..Will Ferrell
Janet Tyler…..Pamela Lee
Nurse…..Molly Shannon
Intern #1…..Jim Breuer
Intern #2…..Chris Kattan

Rod Serling V/O: Submitted for your approval: the case of one Miss Janet Tyler, a hideous disfigured woman hoping for one last chance at a medical miracle. Today, her bandages come off. But we must not be surprised by what we see, for beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Even in.. “The Twilight Zone”.

[ open on Doctor, Nurse, and two Interns with their backs to the camera as they look down upon a woman with bandages wrapped around her face ]

Doctor: Well, Miss Tyler, today is the day.

Janet Tyler: Did the procedure work? I’ve got to know.

Doctor: There is no guarantee. I wish you the best of luck.

[ Doctor removes Janet’s bandages. Her face is flawless, beautiful in every way. ]

Doctor: Dear God!

[ Doctor, Nurse, two Interns turn around to reveal pig faces ]

Nurse: [ alarmed ] Oh, Doctor.. she’s.. she’s..

Doctor: She.. is.. hot!

Nurse: What?!

Intern #1: Damn! She’s hot! Whoo!

Intern #2: Yeah!!

Janet Tyler: So.. the procedure worked..?

Intern #2: Damn right it did! You’re a hottie!

Nurse: No, she’s not! Don’t you get it? We all have pig faces!

Doctor: [ not getting it ] Ri-ight.

Nurse: And everyone else in the world has pig faces!

Doctor: [ not interested ] Uh-huh..?

Nurse: So she’s a freak!

Intern #1: Except, she’s hot!

Doctor: Real hot! I’ll be honest.. it’s gonna be hard to go home to my pig-faced wife after seeing her.

Nurse: Listen.. she’s a freak because she doesn’t look like a pig!

Doctor: I wish you could hear what you sound like right now.

Janet Tyler: [ troubled ] What’s going on here, Doctor? Did the procedure work or not?

Doctor: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah, it worked, all right! The nurse obviously has sme kind of chip on her shoulder.

Intern #2: Who can blame her? She had to grow up with that hideous pig face all her life!

Nurse: So did you! You’re not getting it! You men are deluding this poor woman! [ sympathetic, to Janet ] I hate to do this to you, Miss Tyler, but.. you have to know the truth. [ holds up mirror ] Look.

[ music sting, as Janet screams ]

Janet Tyler: I don’t look like any of you!

Nurse: There, there, dear.. don’t worry..

Janet Tyler: Don’t worry?! [ excited ] I’m thrilled! I’m hot!

Intern #2: There you have it, Nurse Pig!

Nurse: Look. Calling me a pig is not an insult. Everyone looks like a pig!

Intern #1: Pig!

Nurse: That.. doesn’t bother me.

Intern #2: Pig.

Doctor: Pig.

Intern #1: Piggie piggie!

Nurse: [ annoyed ] Stop it! Stop it!!

Intern #2: Oink, oink! Oinker!

Nurse: Listen to me! Beauty depends on who holds the standards. Deviation from the norm will always be shunned, no matter what it looks like. Truly.. beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Doctor: Yeah.. but she’s hot!

[ Doctor and interns high-five Janet ]

[ Rod Serling re-enters the scene ]

Rod Serling: So, there you have it. Something what is beautiful to one is not beautiful to another. As this woman learned when she.. well.. she didn’t really learn anything. And neither did we. Frankly, usually I try to have some kind of ironic twist or moral in these things, but.. I got nothing this time, because that woman was hot! In “The Twilight Zone”.

SNL Transcripts

Spartan Cheerleaders

C.J…..Pamela Lee
Hobie…..Chris Kattan
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Dirk…..Jim Breuer

[FADE IN on stock footage of a crowded beach, then FADE to C.J. sitting on a lifeguard chair and wearing a bright red bathing suit. She peers through a pair of binoculars at the water while Hobie jogs up to her.]

Hobie: How’s it looking out there, C.J.?

C.J.: Well, Hobie, things look under control for now, but I’m gonna keep an eye on that undertow.

Hobie: [pointing to side] Hey, what’s going on over there?

C.J.: What, the volleyball tournament?

Hobie: No, those two spazoids off to the sides!

[CUT to Craig and Arianna on the beach in their Spartans uniforms. They wear white zinc oxide on their noses and start a cheer.]

Craig: Oooh!

Arianna: Oh!

Cheerleaders:
One-piece, two-piece, string bikini!
Who you think you are, “I Dream of Jeannie”?
You can blink for your master,
Or cry to Major Healy!

Arianna: You think you’re gonna win?

Craig: Uh-uh, not really!

[They press their palms over their heads like a genie and hum the “I Dream of Jeannie” theme song.]

Cheerleaders:
Daaaa-da, da da da da da da! Get back in your bottle!
Boiiiiinnnnnng! WHOOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!

[Several beachgoers run lazily in front of the Spartans as they jump and scream.

Craig: Okay. Okay.

[Out of breath, they sit down and towel off their faces.]

Craig: Arianna, I’m sweating buckets! I don’t care what anyone says – wool does not breathe. Are you sweating?

Arianna: Craig, girls don’t sweat – they glow!

Craig: Oh.

Arianna: [grinning] And I’m glowing like a pig! CRAIG!

[both burst out laughing]

Arianna: Craig! Aren’t away games cool beans?

Craig: I’ll say. The only thing better was getting to see “Problem Child 2” on the plane.

Arianna: Yeah. I’m sorry, but John Ritter is sex on a stick!

Craig: Oh. And I’m sorry you threw up.

Arianna: Oh, that’s okay. Thanks for holding my hair.

Craig: No problem… child… two.

Arianna: [squealing] Craig! God! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Craig: [looking in distance] Oh, my God! Troy’s serve is poetry in motion!

Arianna: Dirk is about to spike the BALL!!! Okay.

Craig: Okay.

Arianna: Okay, okay, okay.

Craig: Okay.

[Craig stands up with arms at his sides while Arianna scrambles behind him.]

Craig: Ladies and gentlemen: the Spike Girls! [starts rolling his hands]
Yoooooooooo, tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

Arianna: [dances out from behind him] I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want! I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Cheerleaders:
If you wanna be a Spartan, [clapping]
Better know how to spike the ba-aall!
Too bad you got sand in your crack,
Better put out a booty call!
Calling aaaaaaaallll booo-tyyyyyyyyyyyys!

[A volleyball suddenly flies in. Arianna catches it and disappears off camera.]

Craig: Uh, uh, hey! Who’s that Spartan with junk in the trunk?

Arianna: [dances in with volleyball stuffed underneath her skirt] It’s me! It’s me!

Craig: I said, who’s that Spartan with junk in the trunk?

Arianna: It’s me! It’s me!

Cheerleaders:
Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Wide load! WHOOOOO!!!

Arianna: Come on, let’s get the message!!

[Dirk runs up to them in disgust.]

Arianna: Dirk!!

Craig: Dirk!!

Dirk: All right, all right, all right, all right! I can’t BELIEVE you followed us to California! You two pathetic LOSERS, and now you have this vicious B.O. ‘cause you’re wearing sweaters on the beach! Duhhh!

Arianna: Ohhhhhhhhhh!

[He waves his hand back and forth, and the cheerleaders sniff their ownarmpits.]

Arianna: [cheerfully] We are a little gamey.

Craig: Yeah.

Dirk: I’m gonna go in the water to cool off. And DON’T FOLLOW me! [runs off]

Arianna: We won’t! ‘Cause you’re not the Pied Piper of us!

Craig: Yeah!

[ENTER C.J. carrying a red floater and a walkie-talkie.]

C.J.: Hey, you guys, is everything okay over here? I thought I heard an argument.

Craig: Oh, no. There was no argument. Dirk just hates us.

Arianna: Yeah.

C.J.: Well, if you need anything, I’m C.J., and I’m the lifeguard for this section of the beach.

Arianna: C.J.! Your hair is awesome!!

Craig: Yes.

Arianna: Can I ask? Sun-in or lemon juice?

C.J.: [smiling] Lemon juice.

Arianna: I could die!!

C.J.: You guys wanna take off those sweaters?

Craig: Oh, thanks for your concern, C.J., but I’ve got back hair.

C.J.: Okay.

Arianna: And I stuff, and I stuff my sports bra. Plus, we’re a little gamey.

[They each lift an arm.]

Craig: Yeah.

C.J.: WHOO!!

Dirk: [off camera] Help me! A lifeguard! Help!!

C.J: [looks over in alarm] Oh, no, the undertow is taking him way beyond the breakers! [into walkie-talkie] Code 6, code 6! I’m in front of Station 14! We got a swimmer going under! [tosses floater away] I’m out!

[C.J. runs ahead right past the camera.]

Arianna: [shrieking] Oh, my God! HOLD ON, DIRK!!! HOLD ON!! Oh, my God…

Craig: [hollering] Good luck, C.J.!! Your hair’s even more beautiful when it bounces up and down!!

Arianna: [picks up floater] Craig! C.J. forgot–she forgot her red floaty thing! The tide will pull her and Dirk under without even asking!!!

Craig: [knowingly] You know what they need?

Arianna: The perfect cheer?

Craig: No. Not yet. They need a couple of kids with spirit and a little junior lifeguard training. [grabs floater]

Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhh! Let’s rock and roll!!!

[Laughing, she grabs a floater and runs off with Craig. FADE to a 30-second film of Craig and Arianna running on a beach while the “Baywatch” theme plays in the background. They sprint heroically right into the waves, and then FADE back to the set, where a soaked Arianna is dragging Dirk by the neck.]

Dirk: [furious] Get off me! You’re CHOKING me!

[While he frees himself and darts off, a soaked Craig carries C.J.’s limp body in his arms.]

Arianna: DIRK!! COME BACK, YOU’RE IN SHOCK!!! YOU NEED CPR!!!

Craig: [bending over C.J.] Arianna, I need your help!

Arianna: Okay! I got her!

Craig: Help on the double!

Arianna: Okay!

[Craig bends over C.J.’s face and begins to perform mouth-to-mouth. Arianna grabs her by the ankles and pumps her legs toward her head.]

Arianna: One…

[Craig breathes into C.J.’s mouth.]

Arianna: Two…

[Craig breathes into her mouth again. C.J. suddenly comes to, squirms, and twists her face away from Craig’s.]

C.J.: Craig! I don’t like you like that, okay?

Arianna: [toward audience] SHE’S OKAY, CRAIG!!

Craig: She’s okay! Oh…

[C.J. rises to her feet and addresses them calmly.]

C.J.: Craig, Arianna, you were both amazing. A couple quick tips.

Arianna: Okay.

C.J.: Craig, when performing mouth-to-mouth, it’s not necessary to use your tongue.

Craig: [embarrassed] Uhhh!

C.J.: Okay? And Arianna, when saving a victim, it’s best not to scream, “We’re all gonna die.”

Arianna: I thought I saw a sand crab.

C.J.: [looks off in alarm] Oh, my God! David Hasselhoff is doing a free concert and people are trying to drown themselves! I gotta go, bye! [runs off]

Arianna: Okay. Oh, my God!

Craig: Good luck, C.J.!!

Arianna: Good luck, C.J.! Craig! You think she needs our help?

Craig: No, jellyfish-brain! What she really needs is…

Craig and Arianna: [look at each other] The perfect cheer!!

Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhhh, Craig!

[Craig hits a button on the boom box, and “I Like it like That” starts playing. The two do a vaguely Latin drill team routine for about 30 seconds. Arianna spins into Craig’s arms, and he dips her. Finally, he picks up a toy beach pail and a shovel, places the shovel in her mouth like a rose, and puts the pail on his head while they samba offstage. FADE to black over applause.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

The Roxbury Guys

Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Club Owner…..Mark McKinney
Sexy Broad…..Pamela Lee

Music: “What is Love”, Haddaway.

[ open on exterior, China Club, evening ]

[ interior, China Club. The crowd parts down the middle to reveal the twoRoxbury Guys bopping their heads at the bar. They turn around, beer bottlesin mouthes, to check out the ladies in the club. ]

Doug Butabi: [ jumps to the front of the crowd ] Heeeey! Wanna dance?No? [ returns to the bar ]

Steve Butabi: [ jumps to the front of the crowd ] Hey, you wannadance? You and me? No? [ returns to the bar ]

[ suddenly, the music stops and the lights go out, bringing down the RoxburyGuys’ evening ]

Club Owner: [ jumping in front of the crowd ] Sorry, the power wentout. We’ll get it back in a second, alright?

[ the Roxbury Guys stand alone at the bar and try to make adjustments tothe sudden loss of power ]

Steve Butabi: [ making a weak attempt at communication with hisbrother ] It’s too bad the.. uh.. power went out. I really like that song.

Doug Butabi: Yeah, that’s a good song..

Steve Butabi: Soooo.. uh.. it’s fun going to clubs with you.

Doug Butabi: Yeah. It’s fun.

Steve Butabi: Music’s good.. because it helps people fill in thoseawkward silences. [ pause. Steve shakes his head to the music that’s notthere ]

Doug Butabi: [ holding his hand up ] No, no, no – not yet.

[ suddenly, the music starts again, and the boys are back in business,especially when they notice a Sexy Broad dancing in front of the bar. Makingup for lost time, they jump to either side of her and bop her from side toside until she is able to get loose and run out the bar. Naturally, ourheroes stay in close pursuit. ]

[ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile. The Roxbury Guys flip out their cellphones to make a unified call. In the next lane, we see the Sexy Broadchecking her make-up in her rearview mirror as her cell phone rings. ]

Sexy Broad: Hello?

Roxbury Guys: He-e-ey!! [ wave ]

[ looking over and noticing who it is, the Sexy Broad flings her cell phoneat the Roxbury Guys’ car, smashing their windshield and causing them to spinout of control for a second or two. ]

[ cut to exterior, New York Sports Club ]

[ interior, New York Sports Club. The Sexy Broad is working out on arunning machine, only to discover the Roxbury Guys running along on eitherside of her. To get rid of them, she turns up the speed on their runningmachines and sends them flying back against the wall ]

[ cut to interior, Sauna. Woman are wrapped in towles and enjoying a goodsweat. The camera pans left to reveal the Roxbury Guys fully dressed intheir club clothes with towels wrapped around themselves. The Sexy Broadwalks in, but doesn’t notice them ]

Doug Butabi: He-e-eyy!

Steve Butabi: What’s up?

Doug Butabi: It’s good to see ya!

[ the Sexy Broad pulls off their towels, making them jump up in fear ]

Steve Butabi: No!

Doug Butabi: Oh, it’s too hot!

[ the Roxbury Guys run out of the Sauna ]

[ cut to interior, Jacuzzi Room, where the Sexy Broad is enjoying a goodsoak. Suddenly, the Roxbury Guys emerge from beneath the water ]

Steve Butabi: What’s up?

Doug Butabi: What’s going on?

[ the Sexy Broad jumps up and runs out of the jacuzzi. Obviously, theRoxbury Guys will continue their pursuit for the remainder of the night ]

SNL Transcripts