SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 12

95l: Danny Aiello / Coolio

The Kevin Franklin Show

Kevin Franklin….Tim Meadows
Caller….Nancy Walls
Writer off camera….Will Ferrell
…..Danny Aiello
…..Coolio

[Opens with the Kevin Franklin Show logo]

[Actor Danny Aiello and rapper Coolio sit on Kevin’s TV show]

Announcer: Welcome to the Kevin Franklin Show. The program that discusses the issues people are talking about. And now your host, Kevin Franklin.

Kevin Franklin: Hi and welcome to the show. My first guest is Danny Aiello. He’s an actor who can currently be seen in the film “City Hall” directed by Harold Becker. And Danny also received an Academy Award nomination for his role in “Do The Right Thing”. Danny, welcome to the show.

Danny Aiello: Thanks, Kevin. Its good to be here.

Kevin Franklin: Now filming “Do The Right Thing” had to be quite an interesting experience, especially since you were the only white actor in a predominantly black film.

Danny Aiello: Yeah, well it was a great experience. Spike Lee made things very comfortable for me, even though we were dealing with an explosive and divisive topic.

Kevin Franklin: Uh-huh, so you must have felt guilty about taking a role from a black man.

Danny Aiello: Guilty? Well no, because the story is about a confrontation between a black man and a white man. So my part had to be played by a white actor. The story hinged on it.

Kevin Franklin: So obviously you’re doing a pretty good job of rationalizing what you did even though what you did was wrong.

Danny Aiello: [getting pissed] What are you talking about? It would’ve been ridiculous for a black actor to play the part. The only way the film would’ve worked is to realistically depict the conflict between the races.

Kevin Franklin: So you’re telling me two black actors couldn’t depict a conflict between a black man and a white man?!

Danny Aiello:[angry] Yes! Yes! That’s what I’m SAYING!!

Kevin Franklin: [thinks about it] I’m sorry. I’m terribly wrong. I’m sorry. Our next guest is the rapper Coolio. He recently scored a number one hit with the song “Gangsta Paradise”. Thank you for being here Coolio.

Coolio: Its cool but I have to say, I agree with Danny about the casting thing.

Kevin Franklin: Well, I said I was sorry already, ok? Now Coolio, rap is dead. No one’s buying it, no one’s listening to it, no one’s recording it. So, um, it really peaked ten years ago when “The Fat Boys” were in their heyday and now the most successful rap artists of that time are either in polka bands or farmers. How do you respond to that?

Coolio: Whatchu’ talking about fool?! Rap is bigger than its ever been. Its become more diverse and has affected almost every style of popular music.

Kevin Franklin: Well, we can spend the rest of the show trying to get you to come to grips with the total demise of your art form or we can talk about more pleasant things.

Coolio: Yo’ man, I should bitch-slap you.

Kevin Franklin: Well Coolio, don’t shoot the messenger, ok? I’m only stating what everyone already knows. And the sooner you can accept it, the sooner you can get started with your polka career.

Coolio: Listen bitch! I sold over two million albums last year. Snoop Dog sold over four million albums last year. And Dr.Dre’s and his album both went platinum. So clearly rap is alive and kicking.

Kevin Franklin: So you expect me to believe that just because you sold two million records and Snoop Doggy Dog and Dr.Dre’s records both went platinum….

Coolio:[angry] You’re damn straight!!!

Kevin Franklin: I’m sorry. I’m terribly wrong. I apologize. Ok, let’s take a caller…

Coolio: You about to get a serious ass whipping after the show, man.

Kevin Franklin: Go ahead, caller.

Caller: [over the phone] Yes, um yesterday on your show you said that they should institute mandatory drug testing for the Special Olympics. Because there’s rampant use of illegal drugs and steroids amongst the athletes?

Kevin Franklin: Yes. And your question is?

Caller: I just think you’re wrong.

Kevin Franklin: Oh, really? Well let me ask you ma’am. Are you a special Olympian?

Caller: No, I’m a housewife.

Kevin Franklin: Housewife? [scoffs] Well then you should shut your pie hole and talk about knitting or something you know more about.

Coolio: Yo’ man! Why don’t you chill?

Danny Aiello:[upset] You know, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I’ve done volunteer work for the Special Olympics. Its all about kids participating and having a good time. Its not about competition. So the kids, they have no reason to be on illegal drugs.

Kevin Franklin: So you’re gonna sit there and say to me that because the Special Olympics is all about fun and no competition, that none of the kids use illegal drugs to enhance their performances?

Danny Aiello: [in a rage] YEAH!!!

Kevin Franklin: I’m sorry. I’m terribly wrong. Ma’am thanks for your call. Well that’s about all the time we have but before I go I’d like to respond to a letter I received regarding a commentary I did entitled “The Holocaust was a myth”. I’m sorry. I was terribly wrong. I stand corrected. In the future I’ll make sure that I proofread any commentaries written by our writers here on the show.

Writer off camera: YOU WROTE THAT COMMENTARY!!

Kevin Franklin: I did. I’m sorry. I was terribly wrong. I’d like to thank Danny Aiello.

Danny Aiello:[fuming] Whatever.

Kevin Franklin: And Coolio.

Coolio:[menacingly] Shut up, bitch!

Kevin Franklin: We’ll see you next week. Goodbye.

[Kevin keeps apologizing, Danny and Coolio ignore Kevin]

[The Kevin Franklin logo]

[cheers and applause]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


February 10th, 1996

Danny Aiello

Coolio

Larry Brown

Chris Farley
Inside PoliticsSummary: Steve Forbes (Mark McKinney) and Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) answer questions.

Recurring Characters: Bob Dole, Steve Forbes, Bernard Shaw, Bobbi Batista.

Montage

Danny Aiello’s MonologueSummary: Danny Aiello sings “Chubby Clementine.”

Ma’s Spaghetti SauceSummary: A comment about Ma’s (Cheri Oteri) spaghetti sauce sets off violence among the family at the dinner table.

The Kevin Franklin ShowSummary: Kevin Franklin (Tim Meadows) is consistently and admittedly wrong about the things he says.

Recurring Characters: Kevin Franklin.

Transcript

Time-Life’s Valentine’s Day ArgumentsSummary: Time-Life videotape series catalogues a series of family fights over the Valentine’s Day holiday.

Recurring Characters: Steve, Cindy.

Transcript

AltheaSummary: Hyperactive little girl Althea (Cheri Oteri) annoys the bus driver (Danny Aiello) during long ride.

Recurring Characters: Althea.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Norm MacDonald’s brother Gary (David Koechner) free-associates a commentary on the Republican Party. Larry Brown comments about the Superbowl spread.

Recurring Characters: Gary MacDonald.

Coolio performs “1, 2, 3, 4”

Spade in AmericaSummary: Special guest Newt Gingrich (Chris Farley) delivers a desperate plug for “Black Sheep.”

Hi-C & TurkeySummary: An insurance salesman (Danny Aiello) is very open about his love for Hi-C and turkey.

Transcript

Coolio performs “Gangsta’s Paradise”

Martha Stewart LivingSummary: Martha Stewart (Nancy Walls) tries to deny her New Jersey background.

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handy recalls tricking his brother into jumping off of the roof.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Spartan Cheerleaders

Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Glenn…..Mark McKinney

(opens to a high school chess tournament)

Together: R.O.W.D.I.E. That’s the way we spell rowdy, rowdy lets get rowdy. R.O.W.D.I.E. Spartan spirit! Spartan spirit! Spartan spirit!

Arianna: Alright we are playing great chess right now.

Craig: I know.

Arianna: Alright how’s my hair look?

Craig: It looks ok you have some split ends though. I’m sorry, I’m a friend.

Arianna: I respect your honesty, but it still hurts.

(Both hug)

Craig: Oh my god! He’s going for Glenn’s bishop.

Arianna: Protect your bishop, Glenn!

Craig: Don’t lose your bishop this early. Protect your bishop. Watch out for his horse. Oh that’s a great defensive play.

Together: Roll call! cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee roll call.

Arianna: I’m Arianna, I have team spirit, I don’t do drugs, so check me out.

Together: Cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee Roll call.

Craig: My name is Craig, I did drugs once, I am a spartan, so check me out.

Together: So check us out. U.G.L.Y. you ain’t got no alibi. Your ugly, hey hey your ugly. K.I.N.G. You can’t take my king from me your ugly.Yeah yeah your ugly. Not cute. Spartan spirit, Spartan spirit.

Craig: Oh my god! Guess who’s here.

Arianna: Who

Craig: Alexis.

Arianna: Alexis, I’m really mad at her. Hello, Alexis, what, were where you, I only had to watch “Friends” alone. Now I know who my friends are. Ok really. Ok call you. Oh there’s your dad. Hi Mr. Buchanon.

Craig: What dad! No you can’t use the flash in here. It disturbs the players, Dad! Arianna my dad wants to take a picture of us.

Arianna: Oh great! You just told me I have split ends.

Craig: I know I’m sorry.

(camera light flashes)

Together: Well you want a victory, well that makes you a wisher, cause on thing is for sure you ain’t no Bobby Fischer. Bobby Fischer were is he I don’t know! I don’t know! Bobby Fischer were is he I don’t know! I don’t know! Go ask your momma and make sure you listen,cause one thing is for sure Bobby Fischer’s missin’.Bobby Fischer were is he I don’t know! I don”t know! Bobby Fischer were is he I don’t know! I don’t know! He’s Gone!

Craig: Hey! Who’s that Spartan in my tepee.

Arianna: It’s me! It’s me!

Craig: Who’s that Spartan in my tepee.

Arianna: It’s me! It’s me!

Together: Ah huh Ah huh ah huh ah huh ah huh. Native Americans!

Glenn: Shut up! Are you completely insane this is a chess tournament.

Together: Oh my god! Glenn!

Craig: Your knight to rook combo was a killer move.

Arianna: Oh my god! Glenn your all over the board.

Glenn: Would you please shut up! I know I’m a dork, and I have greasy hair, and that I’ve never kissed a girl.

Arianna: Glenn it’s ok to explore your body.

Craig: Safe sex is in your hands.

Together: Sex can wait masturbate!

Glenn: Shut up! You two are are freaks! Do you know how far you have fallen when the chess team makes fun of you. You know Arianna I once dreamed of going out with you.

Arianna: Oh Glenn!

Glenn: Now I don’t even think so, and Craig I’m not sure but I think I could kick your ass. Now pipe down you losers! Oh great it’s only my move.

Arianna: Oh my god!

Craig: Oh my god! Glenn is so mad. We were trying to be nice to him.

Arianna: Oh I know what he wants.

Together: The perfect cheer!

(“Funky Cold Medina” by Tone Loc starts playing)

(Craig and Arianna dance through the rest of the cheer.)

Submitted by: Charles Spivey

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

She

Alec Baldwin…..Jeff
Mark McKinney…..Mike

[ FADE IN ]

[ ESTABLISHING SHOT – U.S. NAVAL DESTROYER – DAY ]

[ EXT. DESTROYER DECK – DAY ]

[ A Navy Captain, named MIKE, collects his thoughts while watching out yonder. Naval Lieutenant Commander, named JEFF, joins him. ]

Jeff: Mike!

Mike: Jeff!

[ Mike salutes Jeff, who returns the courtesy. ]

Jeff: Good to see you!

Mike: Welcome aboard!

[ Both officers shake hands. Jeff lights a cigarette. ]

Jeff: She’s a real beauty, isn’t she?

Mike: Yes, she sure is.

Jeff: How fast can she go?

Mike: They tell me she can do 30 knots, if she’s got the mind too…

Jeff: So she’s fast and beautiful?

Mike: Yes – that she is.

Jeff: Cigarette?

Mike: Yes!

[ Jeff pulls out a pack of Marlboros and Mike takes one. Jeff lights it with his Zippo.]

Mike: Is that a new lighter?

Jeff: Why, yes! She is!

Mike: She looks like a good one.

Jeff: Thanks! She lights easily and she stays lit; even in rough winds like this.

Mike: She is a rough one today. Say, where did you get her?

Jeff: Sears! She was on sale.

Mike: You know, I like Sears. She’s a good store.

Jeff: She is! Isn’t she? In fact, she’s got everything you need – from tires to brooms… in fact, I just got me a new broom.

Mike: Really? How is she?

Jeff: She’s fine! She sweeps good!

Mike: Say, what happened to your old broom?

Jeff: Her bristles fell out. I had to throw her away.

Mike: Hmm… Maybe you should have burned her? For firewood!

Jeff: I thought about it, but her handle was painted. She might have given off some fumes.

Mike: That’s true.

Jeff: How’s that cigarette, Mike?

Mike: Eh, she’s fine. But I think I’m going to put her out –- she’s given me cancer.

Jeff: I hear you.

[ Both extinguish their cigarettes. ]

Mike: Well, I better to go. I have to write a letter to my little girl.

Jeff: How old is “it” now?

Mike: Five, would you like to see a picture of “it”?

Jeff: Sure would!

[ Mike pulls out his wallet and points inside. ]

Mike: There, that’s “it” right there.

Jeff: Boy, “it” has really got big? Hasn’t it?

Mike: Yes, “it” just lost its first baby tooth.

Jeff: Time sure flies, doesn’t she?

Mike: That she does.

[ Mike departs as Jeff ponders out on the blue yonder. ]

[ FADE OUT ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Tori Amos performs “Caught A Lite Sneeze”

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Tori Amos

Alec Baldwin: Ladies and gentlemen – Tori Amos.

Tori Amos: [ singing ]
“Caught a lite sneeze, caught a lite breeze
Caught a lightweight lightningseed
Boys on my left side
Boys on my right side
Boys in the middle
And you’re not here, I need a big loan
From the girl zone.

Didn’t know our love was so small
Couldn’t stand at all
Mr. St. John, just bring your son.

This fire is hot
And my cells can’t feed
And you still got that Belle dragging your foots
I’m hiding it well, Sister Ernestine
But I still get that Belle
Dragging my foots.

Building, tumbling down
Didn’t know our love was so small
Couldn’t stand at all
Mr. St. John, just bring your son.

[ turns around to play the piano behind her ]

Right on time
You get closer and closer
Called my name, but there’s no way in
Use that fame
Rent you wife and kids today
Maybe she will
Maybe she will caught a lite sneeze
Dreamed a little dream
Made my own pretty hate machine.

[ turns back around to once again play the original piano ]

Boys on my left side
Boys on my right side
Boys in the middle and you’re not here
Boys in their dresses
And you’re not here
I need a big loan from the girl zone.
Yes, I need a big loan from the girl zone.

Building, tumbling down
Didn’t know our love was so small
Couldn’t stand at all
Mr. St. John, just bring your son.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

The Joe Pesci Show

Joe Pesci…..Jim Breuer
Robert DeNiro…..Alec Baldwin
Mel Gibson…..Mark McKinney
Danny Glover…..Tim Meadows
Spider…..Will Ferrell
Brad Pitt…..David Spade

Announcer: Welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show”. Here is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.

[ cut to Joe Pesci on the set of his talk show ]

Joe Pesci: Hey hey! Hey, everyone, I’m Joe Pesci! Alright, nice, huh? I got a talk show here.. talk show, with my mike I can talk into, little chairs that swivel around – I can look over here, look over there – I got everything! It’s the “Joe Pesci Show”! Alright, I’m gonna bring out my first guest. He’s a good friend of mine, I think you all know him very well. Please welcome, the one and only, Mr. Robert DeNiro! [ Robert DeNiro walks out and sits upon the couch ] Folks, this man, he is the King! I mean, he was in everything, come on – “Raging Bull”, “Goodfellas”, “Casino”..Naomi Campbell..

Robert DeNiro: Joey, be nice – people are watching. This guy!

Joe Pesci: Alright, alright! My first guest, you know from the movie Lethal Weapon”. Please welcome Mel Gibson and Danny Glover – bring ’em in here! [ Mel and Danny walk in and sit down ] Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! You don’t say hello to Mr. DeNiro? Show the respect, willya?

Mel Gibson: Hey, Bob.

Danny Glover: How’s it going?

Robert DeNiro: Enough. Enough.

Joe Pesci: So, fellas, we had a great time filming “Lethal Weapon”, huh?

Mel Gibson: Yeah, you were hysterical, Joe. You were great as that irritating character!

Joe Pesci: Excuse me? “Irritating”? Did Mad freakin’ Max just call me “irritating”?

Mel Gibson: No, no, come on, Joe, all I meant was..

Joe Pesci: Oh, I know what you meant, “Man Without a Face”! I’m irritating, huh? I’m like some sort of Italian rigatoni rectum rash, it that it?

Mel Gibson: No, Joe..

Joe Pesci: I dyed my hair blonde in that movie, so my head doesn’t match my grill – and you come on my show and call me “irritating”?!

Mel Gibson: Hey, look, Joe.. it wasn’t an insult..

Joe Pesci: Wasn’t an insult?! Bobby, did he just insult me here?

Robert DeNiro: Uh, you insulted him a little bit, a little bit you did.

Joe Pesci: Now, it is my turn to insult you, you”Braveheart”, skirt-wearing, long haired hunk – get out!

Mel Gibson: Joe, is this a joke?

Joe Pesci: No! You playing “Hamlet” – that was a joke! Hey, Bobby, did you see Mel play “Hamlet”?

Robert DeNiro: Ah.. Shakespeare. Come on, huh?

Joe Pesci: I got some Shakespeare: Out the dooreth you goeth,and take Othello with youeth!

Danny Glover: [ sighs ] Ah, I’m getting too old for this..

Mel Gibson: Tell me about it, pardner..

[ they exit ]

Joe Pesci: Irritating, huh! How about in the middle of every one of his movies – boom! – I gotta see his ass? That’s irritating! Very nice. Okay. Bobby, how you like the show, you like what’s going on here?

Robert DeNiro: Very nice.

Joe Pesci: Okay, Bobby, why don’t you introduce the next guest? Go ahead.

Robert DeNiro: I can’t see the cue card. Hold it up.

Joe Pesci: Spider, come on, hold up the cue card!

Robert DeNiro: Hold it up, I can’t see it! Hold it up!

Joe Pesci: Come on, willya? Spider, get out here! [ Spider ambles over with the cue cards ] Look at this spooch over here.. What did I tell you!

Spider: [ stammers ]

Joe Pesci: [ mocks him ] You spooch, ya! Hold up the cards so I can see ’em! [ Spider holds the cue cards over his head ] Look at this kid, look at this moron! He’s landing planes over here! Lower, jackass!

Spider: Why don’t you hold the freakin’ card, Joe?

Robert DeNiro: Ohhhhh… the kiones on this kid, huh? You talk to him like talk. [ hands Spider a wad full of money ] Here’s a little something for you, Spider – you don’t take no crap from nobody, you hear me? Be a man! Be a man! [ to Joe ] You gonna take that from him on your own show, Joey?

Joe Pesci: Yeah, I’ll take it from him! [ whips out gun and shoots Spider dead ] Alright.. my next guest..

Robert DeNiro: What is the matter with you? You shot the kid!

Joe Pesci: So, what’s wrong with that?

Robert DeNiro: What’s wrong with that! You don’t think! Now, who’s gonna hold up the cue cards!

Joe Pesci: I don’t need no freaking cue cards, come on! My next guest is the Hollywood Pretty Boy – please welcome Brad Pitt. Bring him out here! Brad! [ Brad steps out, greets Joe and Robert and tries to sit ] Hey, Bobby, let the kid sit down, willya?

Robert DeNiro: Hey, Joey, I’m up, I’m down – Brad, sit over here.

[ Brad sits on the far end of the couch ]

Joe Pesci: Hey, uh, Brad, you know.. now that I see you in person, you don’t look that pretty. Hey, Bobby, you think he looks pretty, or what?

Robert DeNiro: You don’t look too good, Brad.

Brad Pitt: Hey, easy, guys. Listen, it’s an honor to meet you,gentlemen. I love “Raging Bull”, I love “Goodfellas”, I love “Casino”. You two are the best – everyone knows it.

Joe Pesci: [ laughing ] This kid knows how to shine ass over here, huh!

Robert DeNiro: He’s good. You’re very good, Brad.

Joe Pesci: He’s very good. So, uh, Brad, why don’t you tell us about “12 Monkeys”.

Brad Pitt: Well, in “12 Monkeys”, I play a lunatic.. not as well as you could, Joe. Everyone knows you’re the King of the Lunatics, you’re the best.

Joe Pesci: [ pissed ] Did he just say what I think he said?

Robert DeNiro: I think he did.

Brad Pitt: What, did I offend him? Did I offend him?

Robert DeNiro: You offended him a little bit, Brad, a little bit..

Joe Pesci: Let me just get this straight over here – you’re the leading man, right? And I’m just some lunatic macaroni mushroom, is that it?

Brad Pitt: No, that’s not what I’m saying..

Joe Pesci: I’m the Hunchback of Notre Dego, huh? I’m Quasimeatball, and he’s the sexiest man alive? Is that what’s going on here?

Brad Pitt: No, Joe, Joe, I was just saying..

Joe Pesci: Joe, Joe! He’s handsome and skinny, and I’m the crazy little tinny! I’ll show you crazy! [ gets up and pounds Brad with his baseball bat, knocking him flat to the floor ] Hey, hey! Now that there, that’s the “Legend of a Fall”! Hey, hey, Bobby, did you see the movie “Seven”?

Robert DeNiro: No, I did not.

Joe Pesci: Well, everyone’s gonna see it now! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] One! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Two! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Three! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Four! Hey, can you believe the movie’s halfway over?! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Five! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Six! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Seven!

Robert DeNiro: Hey, Joey, hey here’s the sequel right here! [ kicks Brad ]

Joe Pesci: [ laughs ] Hey, Bobby, what do you think of Pretty Boy, huh?

Robert DeNiro: He definitely ain’t pretty no more.

Joe Pesci: [ laughs ] Okay, alright.. that’s the show. [ camerastays focused ] Good night, folks, I said it’s over, alright, turn it off!

Robert DeNiro: Hey, hey, Joey.. you take care of the body, I’ll take care of this. [ approaches the camera ] Hey! You hear what you said! Turn it off! Turn it off! [ swats the camera ] Turn it off! Turn it off! [ punches holes into the camera lens ] Turn it off!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Alec’s Belated Season’s Greetings

…..Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin: During the Christmas season, I received many Christmas cards. Unfortunately, because I was so busy, I didn’t have time to send any out myself. So, if I could, I would like to use this as my Christmas card to everyone who was kind enough to send one to me.

[ puts Santa hat on his head and begins ]

“Dear Friend, or Relative, or Business Associate. Merry Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Solstice, or Voodoo Day.

Boy, what a year it’s been – me, with my acting, and, you doing whatever it is you do. Thanks for the Christmas card, it was very beautiful, or/and humorous. I enjoyed the photo of your kid, or kids. Boy, he, or she, or they are really getting big. Have you seen our mutual friend, if we have one? Can you believe what he or she is up to? Boy, some people! Does your son, or daughter, or sister, or brother, or husband, or wife still have that drug problem? All you can do is trust in God, or, if you prefer, voodoo.

How is Granny, or Nana, or Mema, or Yaya? So so? Hey, how about the professional sports team we both root for? They should fire, or rehire that manager of theirs. He’s a character!

Well, better go. By the way, sorry about throwing up on your carpet that time, or times. I hope you receive many presents from Santa, or the Hanukkah Guy, or the Voodoo Man… and that the coming year is as good as, or better than, or nothing like last year.Love, Alec.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Goodnights

…..Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin: I want to thank Tori Amos! [ applauds for her, as she smiles modestly ] Thank you, everybody, it was a great show! Thank you, and good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Buckwell’s Follies

Mrs. Buckwell…..Nancy Walls
Henry Buckwell…..Alec Baldwin
Man…..Will Ferrell
Governor…..Darrell Hammond
Voice #1…..David Koechner
Voice #2…..Colin Quinn
Voice #3…..Molly Shannon
Voice #4…..Will Ferrell
Woman…..Paula Pell

[ open on exterior, bedroom window, as the interior lights go out ]

[ dissolve to interior, bedroom, Henry Buckwell and his wife in bed. Buckwell sighs and ruffles his pillow into a more comfortable shape. ]

Mrs. Buckwell: What’s wrong, honey? Can’t sleep?

Henry Buckwell: I guess I’m just nervous about the election.

Mrs. Buckwell: Don’t worry. You’re gonna win. You’ll be the best governor our state has ever had.

Henry Buckwell: Thanks, sweetie.

[ a crash is heard downstairs ]

Mrs. Buckwell: [ alarmed ] I think someone’s downstairs!

Henry Buckwell: [ climbs out of bed ] I’ll get the gun.

Mrs. Buckwell: No, honey! Don’t!

[ dissolve to darkened downstairs living room, as Buckwell climbs downstairs ]

Henry Buckwell: Don’t move, I’ve got a gun!

[ Buckwell fires his gun, as a light whimper sounds ]

[ the front door opens, as a man enters. Buckwell turns on the light to reveal a bloodied dog lying across the couch. He covers his face in immediate shame. ]

Man: Lassie? Lassie? [ looks down at the couch ] Oh, my God, Lassie! You shot Lassie!

[ Mrs. Buckwell and the kids rush down the stairs ]

Mrs. Buckwell: No! No! You shot Lassie!

Kids: Daddy shot Lassie! Lassie’s dead!

Henry Buckwell: It was an accident! What the hell were you doing in hee, anyway?!

Man: She was trying to warn you that you have a carbon monoxide leak! And you shot her! It’s Lassie!

Daughter: I hate you, Daddy!

Henry Buckwell: I didn’t mean to! [ reaches his hand to Lassie ]

Man: Get away!

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Candidate Buckwell Kills Lassie” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Buckwell Falls To Second In Governor’s Race After Shooting Lassie” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Killer To Debate Governor Tonight” ]

[ dissolve to the governor’s debate, as the incumbent governor concludes his speech at the podium ]

Governor: And in conclusion, we need to get poor people pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, or else in prison!

[ the governor gives a knowing glance to his constituents, as they applaud for him ]

Moderator’s Voice: And now, we’ll hear from the challenger – Henry Buckwell.

[ Buckwell takes his position at the podium ]

Henry Buckwell: I guess I have a little more faith in the people than the current governor. I believe that people want to work, if given the opportunity —

Voice #1: You shot Lassie!!

Henry Buckwell: I believe that we have created a system that excludes certain races —

Voice #2: Shut up, Lassie-killer!!

Henry Buckwell: Yes, that was an accident. But, as I was saying – I envision a state where people have the opportunity to —

Voice #3: — to kill Lassie!!

Voice #4: You killed Lassie, you bastard!!

[ the crowd starts booing ]

Henry Buckwell: Listen! Please, listen! Listen! It was a mistake, alright! Have a little understanding!

[ a woman holding a baby steps forward and holds her baby up to Buckwell ]

Woman: Kiss my —

Henry Buckwell: [ leans forward and points at his confronter ] Kiss my ASS!! [ covers his face when he realizes he’s eye-level with a baby ]

Woman: [ horrified ] I was gonna say, “Kiss my baby!” [ flees the scene ]

Voice #4: He cursed at a BABY!!

Voice #3: He did! He swore at an infant!

Henry Buckwell: I couldn’t see who it was! I didn’t know!

[ the crowd boos louder ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Killer Candidate Curses Out Baby” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “First Dogs Now Babies” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Killer/Baby Curser Goes To Speak Tonight” ]

[ dissolve to Buckwell speaking before a podium ]

Henry Buckwell: People, there’s been some confusion about certain recent events, but I’ve come here tonight.. to speak to you as an American.

Voice #3: You’re a baby curser!

Voice #1: You shot Lassie!

[ the crowd boos, and begins pelting Buckwell with eggs. He stumbles across the stage, then blindly grabs at the American flag for something with which to wipe his pants. The crowd groans, as Buckwell realizes what we has done. ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Buckwell Wipes Ass With Flag” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Assassin And Baby Slanderer Cleans Self With Old Glory And Offers Program To Lower Unemployment” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Killer/Baby Attacker/Flag Defiler Speak Tonight On TV” ]

[ dissolve to Buckwell speaking before a podium ]

Henry Buckwell: Ladies and gentlemen of this great state, I come before you a humble man, who hopes only to serve other people. And, yes, I’ve stumbled. I’ve shot Lassie. I’ve cursed at an infant. And, yes, I’ve wiped my ass with the American flag! But don’t let that define me. Don’t judge me. Because, someday, you could find yourself in a similar situation. You could kill Babe, that lovable pig!

Voice #3: Don’t talk about BABE like that!!

[ the crowd again begins to boo and pelt Buckman with eggs. He stumbles across the stage, almost grabs the American flag to wipe himself off, but catches himself and accidentally grabs a woman’s baby with which to wipe his pants. The crowd groans, as Buckwell realizes what we has done. ]

Voice #1: He wiped his ass with a BABY!!

Voice #4: Oh, my Goooooodd!!

[ Buckwell quickly stands behind the podium ]

Henry Buckwell: Please! Please! You’re missing my point! I just want to serve you all as governor!

Voice #4: That’ll NEVER happen!! Everyone HATES you!

Henry Buckwell: Then, I think it’s a sad day when a man can’t get elected because he shot a dog, shouted obscenities at a newborn, and defiled a flag! And, yes, wiped his ass with a baby! And I ask each of you to look beyond these things, and vote for me! Because, you know something? I think we’re gonna surprise some people! [ throws his arms up in a Nixon victory pose, as he begins to weep. The crowd cheers. ]

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “And he did. For Henry Buckwell went on to receive zero percent of the vote.

While the incumbent received a hundred percent.

But Henry did go on to be the governor of his own state.

He put a bunch of his daughter’s dolls around a hole in the woods and served as their governor for three years.

People would often hear his voice echo through the woods as he yelled, “I’m the Governor! I’m the Governor!

Henry Buckwell now delivers newspapers with a big radio taped to the front of his bicycle so he can let everyone know, “who’s winnin’ the ball game.” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Tales of Bill Brasky

First Friend of Brasky…..Will Ferrell
Second Friend of Brasky…..David Koechner
Third Friend of Brasky…..Alec Baldwin
Fourth Friend of Brasky…..Mark McKinney
Guy At Bar…..Tim Meadows

[ open on interior, airport bar, group of salesmen laughing and drinking ]

First Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch! Do youfellas know Bill Brasky?

Second Friend of Brasky: Hell yeah, I know Bill Brasky! He’s a big fella, goes about 6’4″, 280. He loves his Scotch!

Third Friend of Brasky: He does! He’s a hell of a salesman!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Third Friend of Brasky: Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son?

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky?

First Friend of Brasky: He’s a big fella!

Second Friend of Brasky: Oh yeah, he’s a big guy! Goes about 6’7″, 385.

Third Friend of Brasky: Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol’ Bill Brasky pushes the priest aside and says, “I’ll baptize that piece of calimari!” Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, “There! You’re baptized!”

Fourth Friend of Brasky: And your son is blind to this day!

First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia, doesn’t he?

Third Friend of Brasky: I have no idea. [ pause ] To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time BillBrasky sold me into slavery?

First Friend of Brasky: Well, if you’re talking about Bill Brasky, I believe it!

Second Friend of Brasky: Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I’m chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol’ Brasky, he’s back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!

First Friend of Brasky: I hate Bill Brasky.. but I respect him!

Guy At Bar: Are you talking about Bill Brasky? I knowBill Brasky!

First Friend of Brasky: Then let me buy you a round!

Third Friend of Brasky: Hey, easy, Hank, easy.. To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time BillBrasky showed up at my daughter’s wedding? You know my daughter, she’sa beautiful girl.

First Friend of Brasky: I tell you, I’d like to have sexwith her!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Well, Brasky shows up.. and you know he’s a big fella.

Third Friend of Brasky: Goes about 7’8″, 530.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Well, he’s standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He’s got no right to be there, but he’s drunk and he’s Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky! [ the guys laugh ] Off! Off! Off! We spend the weekend in the Poconos – he loves me like I’ve never been loved before!

Second Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman in the office!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Third Friend of Brasky: You know how Brasky served three toursin ‘Nam?

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Uh-huh!

Third Friend of Brasky: Well, I’m in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter.. which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it’s Ho Tran Brasky!

First Friend of Brasky: To William Robert Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: Oh, yeah!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Hey, you ever go camping with Brasky?

Third Friend of Brasky: Many times.

First Friend of Brasky: I went camping with Brasky, his wife, and his daughter Debbie!

Third Friend of Brasky: Debbie Brasky?

First Friend of Brasky: Debbie Brasky. She’s 7-years-old, goes about 3’5″, 55 pounds. So, I’m in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, “I’m Bill Brasky! Say it!” Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth – “Billbrasky!” It wasn’t exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!

Third Friend of Brasky: That’s Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.

First Friend of Brasky: His favorite movie is “One on One” withRobby Benson.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky once gave me a videotape ofhim having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing Iever saw!

Second Friend of Brasky: I have that tape!

Guy At Bar: [ turning around ] So do I!

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Big Booming Voice: [ from extremely tall figure in upper cameraangle ] Did someone say Bill Brasky?

[ the guys get excited and raise their glasses in the air towards Bill Brasky ]

Together: Bill Brasky!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts