Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 11 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests:
January 20th, 1996 Alec Baldwin Tori Amos None NightlineSummary: Dissolution of Michael Jackson (Tim Meadows) marriage is a blow for Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond). Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Michael Jackson.
Montage
Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Fops Lucien (Mark McKinney) and Fagan (David Koechner) help Alec Baldwin express love for his wife Kim Basinger. following the birth of their first child. Also Hosted: 89r, 90n, 92m, 93m, 94h, 96n, 98i, 00p, 01r, 03f, 05h, 95k, 06e. Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagan.
Marshall Power ToolsSummary: John Marshall, Jr. (David Koechner) and his family members make great use of their power tools, despite their lack of body parts. Note: Repeat from 10/28/95.
Spartan CheerleadersSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) provide unwelcomed cheers at a chess tournament. Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna. Transcript
The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Robert DeNiro (Alec Baldwin) helps Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) assault celebrity guests Mel Gibson (Mark McKinney), Danny Glover (Tim Meadows) and Brad Pitt (David Spade). Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Robert DeNiro. Transcript
Literary TheatreSummary: Fops Lucien (David Koechner) and Fagin (Mark McKinney) present an adaptation of “Dense & Denisibility.” Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagin.
Tori Amos performs “Caught A Lite Sneeze”Bio: Tori Amos (1963-) re-introduced the piano as a rock instrument, with her haunting, semiconfessional piano ballads, influenced by the likes of Kate Bush and Joni Mitchell. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) tries to establish a rapport with Norm MacDonald. Recurring Characters: Joe Blow.
Buckwell’s FolliesSummary: Henry Buckwell (Alec Baldwin) embarasses himself while running for governor by shooting Lassie, cursing at a baby, and wiping his ass with the American flag and another baby. Transcript
Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls his days playing Pirate with his friends.
Accidentally Shot By HuntersSummary: People who resemble wild animals can’t seem to avoid being struck by a hunter’s (Will Ferrell) bullets.
Alec’s Belated Season’s GreetingsSummary: Alec Baldwin covers all his bases while recording belated video Christmas greetings. Transcript
SheSummary: Shipmates (Alec Baldwin, Mark McKinney) use gender-identifiers for their seacraft, but not for their women. Transcript
Tori Amos performs “Hey Jupiter”
Tales of Bill BraskySummary: Drunk businessmen (Will Ferrell, David Koechner, Mark McKinney, Alec Baldwin) praise the mythical man-beast named Bill Brasky. Transcript
Connie Stinson…..Christopher Walken Jodie…..Will Ferrell Crystal…..Nancy Walls Darnell…..Tim Meadows Cheryl…..Cheri Oteri Tom…..Fred Wolf Tiffany…..Molly Shannon Young Man in Audience…..Jim Breuer Man in Audience…..David Koechner
Connie Stinson: Hello, and welcome to “Connie Stinson Talks”. Today I talk with men who are considering dumping their lovers, because they’ve gained weight. Okay? [ camera focuses on Jodie ] Jodie says, “My girlfriend gained 75 pounds, and I ain’t gonna take it any more.” Let’s meet him. Jodie, tell us about your girlfriend.
Jodie: Well, when I met her, she was already a little overweight..
Connie Stinson: She was fat! But she got fatter. And you said, “Uh-uh, no way. Hasta la vista, fat hog!” Right?
Jodie: I just thought she should go on a diet.
Connie Stinson: You wanted that fat hog to lose weight, and one way to achieve this would be to sew the fat hog’s mouth shut. Is that what you thought?
Jodie: Good God, no! I just thought she should limit her intake of sugars, or something.
Connie Stinson: Okay, so you said, “Hey, Hog, stay away from the Chunky Chews.”
Jodie: [ confused ] I guess.. sure..
Connie Stinson: I’m sure she has something to say about that. Let’s meet her. [ Jodie’s overweight girlfriend struts onto the stage and sits next to him ] Her name is Crystal.. and I think she looks pretty good. [ audience members whistle ]
Crystal: I weight 179 pounds, and I’ve never looked better, and no man can tell me otherwise!
Connie Stinson: Jodie says you’re a fat hog! He says, “I don’t want to sew the fat hog’s mouth shut. I just want you to eat less sugar.” Crystal, let me ask you this: Shouldn’t love be less superficial?
Crystal: Yeah. It should. I don’t need no man who can’t see past the surface to the girl within!
Connie Stinson: Go, girl! You’re saying, “I may be a huge, steaming hunk of fat hog, but that’s me, take it or leave it, buddy!” Right?
Crystal: Uh.. sorta.. [ audience claps ]
Connie Stinson: Okay. Let’s meet Darnell. [ camera focuses on Darnell ] Now, you told us earlier.. “I like a woman with a little meat on her bones, but lately it’s been getting ridiculous.” Right?
Darnell: Yeah! I like something to hold onto, not drive around the damn golf course! [ audience boos him ]
Connie Stinson: Uh-oh! I see fireworks coming! Let’s meet her. Cheryl, come on out. [ Darnell’s overweight girlfriend struts onto the stage and sits next to him ] Hey, Cheryl? Welcome to the show! So, tell us, how do you think you look?
Cheryl: Well, I eat a lot, I’m not denying it.. But, hell, you don’t see me complaining about his gut, man! [ points to Darnell’s stomach ] Looks to me like he should wear a t-shirt that says “Baby on Board”! What about it! [ lavishes the audience’s support ]
Connie Stinson: Darnell, what do you say?
Darnell: Well, you know.. I married a girl, not a planet. You know, when I roll over on top of her, I feel like I’m Neil damn Armstrong! [ audience boos him ]
Connie Stinson: Darnell, it sounds like the audience does not agree with you. They’re saying, “Hey, sure, we’re mindless hyenas, worthless white trash, no-account colored people.. but we still know when a guy’s got his head up his ass.” Right? [ audience is stunned and silent ]
Cheryl: [ interrupting ] Hey. Hey. Hey. If Darnell don’t like me, he can put his tired ass on the next bus out! Go Greyhound, baby! Go Greyhound! [ audience cheers her ]
Connie Stinson: More power to you, girl! Love yourself the way you are. Just look in the mirror and say to yourself, “Fat, stinking hog, I like you!” Would you do for me, honey, huh?
Cheryl: [ speechless ] Uh.. I.. I.. suppose I could..
Connie Stinson: How about a hand for her, folks? [ audience claps ] That’s one brave hog! Okay, let’s meet Tom. He’s different from other men.. [ camera focuses on Tom ] ..aren’t you? He says, “Although my wife is fat now, I’d like her to be even fatter.” Tom, explain that.
Tom: Well, I’m kind of skinny, you know? So, psychologically, it’s weird.. but if my wife would add a few more pounds, I’d love her even more. [ audience coos ]
Connie Stinson: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! So, you say, “Hey, I’m a skinny puke. So, I’m glad my wife’s a fat slice of hog meat. But, because I’m half-a-fag, I’d like her to be even more of a stinking hog.” Is that it?
Tom: I don’t know.. it sounds different when you say it.
Tiffany: Let’s meet her. Tiffany? Honey, come on out. [ Tom’s overweight wife struts onto the stage and sits next to him ] Ouch! Look at you! You’re a mountain! Even so, Tom says he wants you to be an even bigger stinking fat hog!
Tiffany: Yeah? Well, any food that I eat is less food than makes it to his skinny ass!
Connie Stinson: Go, girl! Say it loud: “I’m a hog married to a fruit, and I’m proud!” Okay, audience, any questions? [ pulls a young man out of the audience ]
Young Man in Audience: Yeah, this is for Cheryl – I just want to say that if your man dumps you, he’s stupid, because I think that you’re beautiful! [ audience cheers ]
Connie Stinson: Darnell, let me just say something here. It sounds like other men don’t have a problem with your greasy hog wife. Now, why should you? [ gives a man in the audience a chance to speak ]
Man in Audience: Yeah, I got something I want to say. The guys up there, they must be crazy.. ’cause any one of these beautiful girls can come to my house anytime, and I’ll make them feel like a woman! [ relishes the audience’s cheers ]
Connie Stinson: Wait a minute. Ladies. Okay, this is the point. Did you hear that? He just said, “Hey, big fat, gross hogs.. my face is leaving town in five minutes. Be on it!” Isn’t that right?
Man in Audience: [ appalled ] No.. I’ve changed my mind.. never mind. [ bumper reads: “Changed his mind. No longer wants big gross ho on face.” ]
Connie Stinson: Guys, guys.. wait a minute.. wait, wait.. We’re at the end of the show. I think this audience is trying to tell you, “Look past the mounds of gross, fat hog flesh, and see the beauty within.” Folks, that’s our show. As Baudelaire said, “Beauty is for those who only see. Real beauty is for those who feel.” Now.. if you’re a fat piece of stinking hog, you should like that one. Join me tomorrow for more idiots and freaks.
[ Scene opens in a snowy neighborhood. Camera zooms in and dissolves on an outside shot of Rita Delvecchios snow-covered porch, decorated in Christmas lights. Rita steps out of her house ]
Rita Delvecchio: [ addresses a “neighbor” who is offscreen ] Hey, Loretta. Is it cold enough for ya? Yeah, can you believe this? Three sons and I gotta shovel the walk myself. Yeah, yeah, its only three oclock in the afternoon and theyre still in bed. Yeah, they got a whole day of doing nothing ahead of them, so they need their sleep. All right, yeah. All right, doll, Ill talk to-hey, if you hear a snap, its my back. Call 911. Oh! Dont listen to me, Loretta! Oh, Im bad. All right, honey. Ill talk to you later, doll. [ someone off-set throws a sled on Ritas front steps. Rita comes over and picks it up ] All right, okay? You see this? [ holds up sled ] Okay, you see this? You kids got a hark–a whole park to play in, but you got to slip n slide in front of my house. Guess what? I keep it now. Okay, yeah. [ turns to put sled down ] Thatd be good, have your mother come and get it [ turns her head ] I hear ya, smart-ass. [ puts sled away, addresses another “neighbor” who is off-screen ] Uh, hi, Bella. Yeah, twenty-four inches, they said, Bell. Now I know why they call it a “winter wonderland”; Im “wonder”ing where the frig my car is buried. Bella! Oh, Im bad. Oh, honey, you know me. Yeah, Mother Nature, right, Bell. Hey, listen, if you see her, send her over. I want to introduce her to the blunt end of my shovel. You set me up, you bitch. Oh, you set me up, Bella! All right, doll. Go inside. Ill talk to you later.
[ cut to a two-shot of Rita still on the stairs of her porch with the shovel and Vic, a man in a pale bluish-green and purple snowsuit with gold chains and lime green gloves, pushing a snowblower on Ritas walkway ]
Rita Delvecchio: [ to Vic ] Hey, Vic. Whatcha got there, a rocket ship?
Vic: Naw, Rita. This is my new snowblower.
Rita Delvecchio: [ partially drowned out by the snowblower motor ] Snowblower, wow.
Vic: Yeah, its got a 4½ horsepower Briggs and Stratton motor. All-wheel drive and fuel-injected carbs, pop-up pistons.
Rita Delvecchio: Vic, Vic, why dont you put a back seat in and some dice and we can steam up the back windows, Vic. Oh, Vic!
Vic: Oh, Rita, youre-youre an animal.
Rita Delvecchio: [jokingly] Ah, Vic, Im bad. You know better, you know better than that.
[ A kid with a blue snow shovel approaches Ritas walk ]
Kid: Hey, Mrs. Delvecchio?
Rita Delvecchio: Yeah.
Kid: Would you like your walk shoveled?
Rita Delvecchio: [to Vic] Vic, my prince has come. [to Kid] All right, baby, [indicates point at which the kid should start] Why dont you just start on the end-
Kid: [interrupst her] Its $35.00. $50.00 and Ill do the driveway, too.
Rita Delvecchio: [in sotto voce to Vic] Did you hear that, Vic? The little Al Capone is trying to give me a break [yells at kid and menaces him with her orange shovel] Get the hell off my property, you wallet-totin Anti-Christ!
[ snowballs are thrown at Vic and Rita from offscreen. Rita tries to fight them off]
Rita Delvecchio: [brandishing her orange shovel to the offscreen perpetrators] Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Okay, you better run! You better run! I got eyes in the back of my head. Bastards. [to Vic] That sure is a great machine.
Vic: Yeah.
Rita Delvecchio: Ill tell ya, it looks like it does the work of ten men, Vic.
Vic: Just as long as it does the work of this man, Rita. Thats all I care about.
Rita Delvecchio: Yeah, I hear ya, Vic. I hear ya. Uh, hey, Vic, why dont you show me how to work one of those things- [ snowballs are thrown at Rita and Vic again]
Vic: Hey! Hey!
Rita Delvecchio: [runs up the stairs of her porch] Okay, all right. See this? [brandishes orange snow shovel] You cracked-up little bastards! You crack-pipin, motherless– [rushes back to Vic] Vic, Vic, did you see this?
Vic: [to the offscreen perpetrators] Hey, guys, come on. No throwing snowballs, huh? Show respect!
Rita Delvecchio: [to Vic] Did you see that? [to the offscreen perpetrators] Keep running! [back to Vic]: Hey, Vic, you know what? I almost forgot to tell ya. Um, yeah. You know I-I made a little too much pasta fagioli last night. Why dont you, why dont you, when youre finished, come up to the house, and Ill give you some to take home?
Vic: What are you, Rita? An angel sent from above? I love pasta fagioli.
Rita Delvecchio: Hey, Vic. Hey, Vic? Vic, you know what Id love? You know what Id love, Vic?
Vic: What?
Rita Delvecchio: Id love a clear walkway. Can you help me out?
Vic: Geez, Rita. Id love to, but I do yours, I gotta do the whole block.
Rita Delvecchio: Aint gotta do the whole block, Vic. You just gotta do mines.
Vic: Geez, Rita. I would love to, but– [someone offscreen throws a red, plastic disc used for sledding on the porch].
Rita Delvecchio: [runs over and picks up the red disk] Oh, okay, all right. See this? See this? Okay. Guess what? Guess whos got a new-a new-uh, a new one of these things. These little things? Okay? I keep it now. Mrs. Delvecchio has it, has it, yeah! Its mine now, okay? You happy? Oh, yeah? Go shoot up your hashish. [walks back over to Vic] You heard me. Bastards. Smart-ass bastards. [to Vic] All right, Vic, lets cut the crap. What do I gotta do to get you to use that humper on my walk?
Vic: You cut the crap; Ill cut the crap. You want the truth, Rita?
Rita Delvecchio: Yeah, I want the truth.
Vic: Im never gonna do your walk. Because every year you keep your Christmas lights up seven days after Three Kings Day. Everybody else takes theirs down. You make the whole block look bad.
Rita Delvecchio: All right. Youre talking out your ass, Vic, okay? Because–because the Vatican extended the removal of house lights until two weeks after the Epiphany–two weeks after the Epiphany.
Vic: [skeptically] Rita, come on. [starts up motor to snowblower]
[Rita and Vic get hit with snowballs yet again]
Rita Delvecchio: Hey, hey! Okay! All right, thats enough!
Vic: Who threw that? Who threw that?
Rita Delvecchio: [pointing offscreen] Get em, Vic! Vic, go get em! I see em.
Vic: Okay. You rat bastard. Lets see how funny it is when I blow your nose off. [picks himself up and climbs on top of the snow] See how funny it is when I bury your face in the yellow snow [runs offscreen]
Rita Delvecchio: [cheering Vic on] Go get em, Vic. Go get em, Vic. Thats it! [the snowblower falls over onto Ritas walkway. Rita climbs over the side of her porch and tries to pull down her skirt as it rides up, revealing a pair of white undershorts] Oooh, oooh! Vic, it touched my porch. I keep it now! I keep it now. It touched my porch! Its mine! [climbs off the edge of the porch and gets behind the snowblower] It touched my porch. Its mine now, Vic
Christopher Walken: I want to thank John – [ corrects himself ] Joan – Osborne. And my special guests, uh, Governor.. Pataki. And.. Mayor Guiliani. [ Mayor Guiliani gives the thumbs-up; Gov. Pataki shakes Walken’s hand ]
Warden…..Tim Meadows Mr. Wilson…..Christopher Walken Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins…..David Koechner
Warden: Well, your number’s finally up, Boyle.
Mr. Wilson: I ain’t afraid to die, Warden. Do your worst.
Warden: Then let the records show, that on this day, January 13th, 1996, by the power vested in me..
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ interrupting ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!Should I pull this thing here right now? [ acknowsledges switch ] Can I do it now? Or are you gonna give me some kinda “hi” sign?
Warden: Uh.. no, Mr. Executioner, if you could..
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, hey, hey, no formalities! [ stepsforward ] The name’s Gerald Tibbins. Friends call me “T-Bone”.
Mr. Wilson: [ confused ] Is this part of it?
Warden: No, Mr. Wilson.. Executioner, you’re supposed to remainanonymous! The hood.. please!
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Oh, hell, I don’t mind! I can barely see out of that thing, anyway! [ pulls hood off his head ] Hey, you know what I was thinking? I’d like to meet this here fellow if you don’t mind! [ to Mr. Wilson ] Hey! Name’s Gerald. Hey, I guess you oughtta call me Dr. Kevorkians, huh? Hey, listen, don’t press no charges, okay? [ laughs ]
Mr. Wilson: Uh.. could you not speak to me? I’d like to be alone here with my thoughts, in my final moments.
Warden: Executioner?
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: T-Bone.
Warden: Whatever. Would you please refrain from talking to theprisoner?
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, listen here, I’m just trying to lighten the mood upalright? This fella here’s about to become fried eggs over easy. I just pop ’em straight on up there! I thought he might appreciate a little, what? Levity, that’s what. Maybe I’ll just go back to my station. Boop-boop! [ returns to the switch ]
Warden: Any last words, Boyle?
Mr. Wilson: You know what I’m gonna say, Warden. You can kill me, but you’d be killing an innocent man. That’s something you’re going to have to take with you to your.. [ suddenly receives an electrical shock ] Owwww! What the heck was that!
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ hands on the switch ] Whoo! It’s working! Hey! That thing heats up pretty good, don’t it! What do you think, Mr. Murder Man? You think that there will do the trick!
Warden: [ angry ] Executioner, for the last time, please wait for my signal!
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Well, what’s signal gonna be? I gottaunderstand. Are you gonna give me a high sign? You gonna give me a low sign? I tell you what – why don’t you give me one of them baseball steal signs, like this.. [ makes baseball steal gestures ] ..whoop! Whoop-whoop whoop! [ to Mr. Wilson ] I tell you what, you wanna call it out?
Mr. Wilson: [ upset ] No! I don’t! You don’t understand? I’m about to die! I’m scared! Please, leave me alone!
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Well, excuse me, Sparky. I just thought you and me could, you know, hook up on a little system there. When you’re ready, you could just yell out there, “Ready, steady, go!” or maybe, “Let ‘er rip!” or how about this one here: “Take me home, Jesus!“
Mr. Wilson: PLease!
Warden: Mr. Tibbins, go back to your station!
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Alright, Captain. Hey! You run a pretty tight shift, don’t you? [ walks back ]
Warden: I’m very, very sorry about this, Boyle.. we’ve never had this problem..
Mr. Wilson: Don’t apologize to me, Warden. Apologize to my mother! For taking away her son.. a son she dearly loved.. a son who one day had aspirations to.. [ receives electrical shock ] Ow!
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ hands on the switch ] Whoo! Fire in the hole! Over here! Over here! That was my fault! You know, Warden, my hands got a little sweaty, that’s all!
Mr. Wilson: Have you on decency?! I’m about to die! [ receivesanother electrical shock ] Ow!
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, that was me again! Listen, I was just funnin’ with you a little bit.. hey! Sorry about that, Hotplate, alright? Tell you what I’m gonna do – since this is your final hour, I’m gonna sing you a little funeral dirge, what do you say? I’ll take requests.
Mr. Wilson: [ annoyed ] Just let me die..
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ thinking ] Let’s see.. don’t know that one.. how about this one? [ singing ] “Don’t go chasing them there waterfalls.. they’re gonna.. Good God o’ Mighty! ..get you everytime that they can..” Come on, now!
Warden: Enough, Mr. Tibbins, please! Just go back to your station!
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, I’ll do that in just one second, Warden – I gotta visit the water closet.
Warden: What?!
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: I gotta take a squirt! [ exits ]
Mr. Wilson: Warden, please.. this is insufferable! Why am I being tortured like this?
Warden: I-I’m terribly sorry.. [ phone rings, Warden picks it up ] Hello? Yes, Governor. A reprieve? [ to Mr. Wilson ] They’ve granted you a reprieve.
Mr. Wilson: [ unenthused ] Great.
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ opens door holding another phone in the air ] Hey! Gotcha! That was just me! Hey, guess what – phone works! [ drops his phone and returns to the switch ] Hey! Let’s do this! [ singing ] Don’t go chasing them there waterfalls..
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
January 13th, 1996 Christopher Walken Joan Osborne None Mayor Rudolph Giuliani Gov. George Pataki Dennis McNicholas Paula Pell Ryan Shiraki The Blizzard of ’96Summary: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani & Governor George Pataki apologize for the low quality of tonight’s show, due to the past week’s blizzard and the cast’s efforts to assist with snow removal instead of rehearsing.
Montage
Christopher Walken’s MonologueSummary: Christopher Walken sings about snow with the Snowdiggers (Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri, Nancy Walls). Also Hosted: 89k, 92d, 99p, 00t, 02m.
Rita DelvecchioSummary: Rita Delvecchio (Cheri Oteri) tries to get her neighbor, Vic (Christopher Walken), to clear up her walk with his snowblower. Recurring Characters: Rita Delvecchio. Transcript
The ContinentalSummary: The Continental (Christopher Walken) fails again with an unintended female visitor to his elegant bachelor pad. Recurring Characters: The Continental.
Joan Osborne performs “One Of Us”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Jim Breuer demonstrates how his stomach reacts to various alcholic beverages. Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) draws a comparison between civil rights and laughter. Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.
Connie Stinson TalksSummary: Talk show host Connie Stinson (Christopher Walken) fuels the wrath of his guests by putting their feelings into his own man-spirited words. Transcript
Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) indulges in a daydream about dancing with her guidance counselor (Christopher Walken). Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Spade in AmericaSummary: Christopher Walken mans the desk so David Spade can deliver a live outdoor remote at the scene of the blizzard, but technical problems result in David Spade never realizing he’s on the air as he makes fun of Christopher Walken and the cast of “Saturday Night Live.”
The ExecutionSummary: While manning the switch, Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins (David Koechner) tortures a death row inmate (Christopher Walken) in his last minutes on Earth. Recurring Characters: Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins. Transcript
[ open on Eastlake Spartans basketball game, wannabe cheerleaders Craig and Arianna cheering privately on the side ]
Together: “Hey now! Spartans gettin’ down! jump back! Show you where it’s at! ‘Cause when it comes to winning, we’re second to none Because we know that you know that we know we’re #10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2!”
Craig: [ jumping ] Whoo-oo!
Arianna: [ jumping ] Spirit! Spirit!
[ they sit on the bench to wipe their sweat ]
Craig: [ pointing ] Oh! Arianna! Jessica’s trying to get yourattention!
Arianna: [ looking ] Where is she?
Craig: She’s right over there.
Arianna: [ jumps up and yells to the bleachers ] Jessica! What? Sign it! Sign it! This morning! Sign it! What?! [ motions for her to call ] I can’t hear you, Jessica! Call me later! [ jump-kicks, then sits next to Craig ] Oh, Craig, there’s your mom.
Craig: What? Where?
Arianna: Right over there. [ points ] Hi, Mrs. Buchanan!
Craig: [ jumps up and calls across the bleachers ] What? No! No, Mom, stop bugging me about the Christmas dance, okay! No, I.. [ whispers his yell ] I haven’t asked her yet.. I haven’t asked her yet.. Zip it! I’ll meet you at Concessions, okay? [ jump-kicks, then sits next to Arianna ] Oh, my God, Brandon’s got the ball!
Arianna: Go, Brandon!
Craig: Go for a layout!
Arianna: Go, Brandon! Oh, my God!
[ they scream as Brandon scores, then jump up to do a new cheer ]
Arianna: Punch it up!
Together: “We’re rough! We’re tough! We know it and we show it! [ Arianna faux punches Craig’s chin ] We got power! Whoo! Spartan Power! Whoo! We’re rough! We’re tough! We know it and we show it! [ Craig faux punches Arianna’s chin ] We got power! Whoo! Spartan Power! Whoo!”
Craig: [ screaming towards the action ] Pass it, Lionel!
Arianna: Pass it, Lionel!
Craig: That’s a double team! Get out of the double team!
Arianna: Oh, my God! [ turns around to prepare for the next cheer ]
Craig: “Who’s that Spartan having my baby?”
Arianna: [ with basketball under her sweater ] “It’s me! It’s me!”
Craig: “I said, ‘Who’s that Spartan having my baby?'”
Craig: Oh! Arianna. Maggie’s trying to get your attention!
Arianna: Where is she?
Craig: She’s.. I think, right there.. [ points ]
Arianna: [ stands and yells ] What, Maggie?! What?! I can’t..No! I don’t know who I’m gonna take to the Christmas dance yet! What?Who?! No! I don’t like Craig like that! Maggi! I don’t like Craig like that! Maggi, I can’t hear! [ motions for her to call later ] Call me! [ jump-kicks, then sits next to Craig again ]
Craig: [ rooting the home team ] Go, Randy! Pressure D!
[ the Referee’s whistle blows, so Craig and Arianna jump up for theirnext cheer ]
Together: “1, 2, 3, 4! Who you think you’re fighting for? Your Momma! Hey, hey, your momma! Whoo! Your Momma, your Daddy, your greasy Granny got a whole new fanny! Beg your pardon. Say what? Beg your pardon. Say what? We are the Mighty Spartans, and we’re here to take you out!”
Arianna: “‘Cause we are a bad Mother..”
Craig: [ covers Arianna’s mouth ] “Shut your mouth!”
Together: Whoo! Whoo! [ they sit ]
Craig: Oh, my God! We’re down by 2 points, and time is running out! The Spartans need a miracle!
Arianna: Or the perfect cheer.
[ the realization hits them, so Arianna turns the boombox onto “Ice, Ice, Baby” as they perform the Perfect Cheer – until the Principal interrupts them ]
Principal: Arianna, Craig.. I need to have a word with you.
Arianna: [ worried ] Mrs. McMannen!
Principal: You have been told repeatedly that you did notmake the Spartan Squad. Now, I want your uniforms on my desk Mondaymorning.
Arianna: But, Mrs. McMannen! We didn’t ask to be born with Spartan Sprit! We just.. [ clutches onto Craig and cries ]
Craig: There isn’t a switch that we can turn it on or off with!
Principal: [ serious ] Monday morning! [ stomps off ]
Craig: [ upset ] Oh, God!
Arianna: What’s more important? Possible expulsion, or showingour spirit?
Craig: You don’t have to tell me!
[ Arianna turns the boombox on again as they finish their Perfect Cheerto fade ]
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, MadelineKahn!
Madeline Kahn: [a fabulous redhead dressed inleather] Thank you, it’s great to be here. Ah, thankyou so much, it’s such a pleasure to be hosting, uh,Saturday Night Live again. It’s been eighteen years.Yes. Last time I hosted this show was in 1977. Yeah,it seemed to go really well. And, um …
So, uh, I – I picked out, you know, I picked out theperfect song to perform for my next visit which ofcourse I assumed would be, you know, sometime in 1978….
But 1978 passed, you know, and, um, no phone call fromthe show. Anyway, uh, 1979, ‘kay? Still rehearsing …the song. Then came the ’80s, um– The entire ’80s,actually. … And then the ’90s arrived and it seemedvery promising, you know … what with the miracle offiber optics and so on. …
Finally, in 1994, phone rings – it’s Lorne’s office,calling to say they were looking for Madeline. Stowe,Madeline Stowe. …
Eventually, the call DID come and I knew it would. Sohere I am. Still got the song. And now I would like toperform it for you. [cheers and applause, saxophonistsLenny Pickett and Lino Gomez approach and stand behindMadeline]
[with great dignity] It is called, “Ain’t Got No Home”by Clarence “Frogman” Henry. …
[Pickett leads the band into this rollicking rock ‘n’roll tune and the crowd claps along as Madeline takesa hand mike and sings:]
Ain’t got no home A-no place to roam Ain’t got no home A-no place to roam I’m a lonely boy I ain’t got a home
But I got a voice And I loves to sing And I sing like a girl I sing like a frog I’m a lonely boy I ain’t got a home
[girl’s voice:] I’m a lonely girl I ain’t got a home
[song ends, lengthy cheers and applause]
We’ve got a great show. [applause continues] Thankyou. Dream come true! Dream come true! Stop now![crowd quiets] Got a great show. Bush is here. [cheersand applause] Stick around, we’ll be rightback.
Lame Weatherman: So this low pressure systme is going to be very active. We’re ognna have a cold front that’s gonna push through – it’s really gonna result in some precipitation, so you may want to bundle up and put on your galoshes..
Announcer: Are you tired of little boys trying to talk like weatherman, telling you what the weather may or may not be? Then turn to News 4’s John-John Mackey and his Storm Tracker Accu-Cast. John-John doesn’t just tell you about the weather. He grabs that bastard weather and pounds it into little, pathetic shards. Then shoves those shards into your pink, puffy face.
John-John Mackey: I’ll get you inside the storm! I’ll let youlive the storm, be the storm! And then, baby, I’ll make you love that storm Froggy-Style!
Announcer: So, if you want to hear vague forecasts full of hot air – watch someone else. But for Storm Tracker in Accu-Cast, turn to John-John Mackey, who will fill every hole you’ve got with the latest breaking weather! So, when you want to know what storm is breaking, count on John-John Mackey to lasso the storm, take it apart, and show you how sad it really is.
John-John Mackey: When I see a storm front coming, I’m all, “What’s up, bitch?!” And the storm is all, “Not, much, Sir.” And I’m all, “That’s right, bitch! Now, go make me a sandwich!” And you want that kind of confidence in your weatherman!
Announcer: “Confidence.” So, for earlier warnings, more accurate forecasts, count on News 4’s John-John Mackey and his Storm Tracker Accu-Cast! When the weather leaves its house, John-John bangs its wife. “Confidence.”
John-John Mackey: Weekdays, 7 and 11, Channel 4 Pulse News. Be there!
[Nancy and Bill, husband and wife, are discovered sideby side in the clutches of a giant bird’s enormoustalons, flying high through the clouds and over thecountryside. Only the bird’s claws are visible — therest of the bird is off-camera above Nancy and Bill.We hear an occasional screech from the bird and thesteady flapping of its unseen wings. Disgusted andannoyed with each other over their predicament, Nancyand Bill’s entire dialogue consists of theircontemptuous and sarcastic quoting of oneanother:]
Nancy: “Hey, Nancy! I’ve got a good idea. Let’sgo for a picnic today!”
Bill: “Good idea, Bill! And I know the perfectplace! Up by the old nuclear powerplant!”
Nancy: “I sure hope the ants don’tbother us!” Ants!
Bill: “Oh, honey! Don’t bring the gun! Whywould we need a gun at apicnic?!”
Nancy: “There’s a good spot, Nancy. Up on topof that hill in that big round bowl ofhay!”
Bill: “Just pull out – push out thoseegg-shaped boulders so we’ll have moreroom!”
Nancy: “Oh, look, honey! It’s a giant hangglider!”
Bill: “Oh, honey! We’re so lucky! It’s a bird!And it’s coming right toward us!”
Nancy: “Run for the car! And get the camera!Quick! Like a rabbit!”
Bill: “Whatever you do, try not to scare himaway!”
Nancy: “Maybe if you hold out a piece ofchicken, he’ll come and take it — right out o’your hand!”
Bill: “Honey! Come out of your hiding place!It’s perfectly safe!”
Nancy: “Stop running! It can’t see you when youstand still!”
Bill: “Trust me! A bird can’t open a car doorwith its beak!”
Nancy: “Hey, look! You can see our house fromhere!”
[Suddenly, there is a loud fart and a huge amount ofbird poop rains down on Bill.]
Bill: [drenched with bird poop] “Don’t worry!They can’t poop when they’reflying!”
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Air Date:
NightlineSummary: Dissolution of Michael Jackson (Tim Meadows) marriage is a blow for Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond).
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Summary: Alec Baldwin covers all his bases while recording belated video Christmas greetings.
Summary: Shipmates (Alec Baldwin, Mark McKinney) use gender-identifiers for their seacraft, but not for their women.
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Transcript
