SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Spade In America

…..David Spade
…..Sean Penn

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, “Spade In America” with David Spade.

David Spade: Thank you, and good evening. Well, as you know, this is a big week for movies. A lot of big ones coming out, but one of the more interesting ones is “The Crossing Guard”, starring Jack Nicholson, Angelica Houston, directed by Sean Penn. So for my segment this week, I wanted to talk with Sean about that and other things.. and he said he would, under one condition: he has to give me a tattoo.

[ cut to Spade at the tattoo parlor with Sean ]

Sean Penn: What’s the one thing you, and me, and Mickey Rourke have in common?

David Spade: We’re all cool?

Sean Penn: Tattoos.

David Spade: I don’t have a tattoo..

[ Sean’s eye glaze over mischieviously ]

[ cut to the tattoo artist showing Spade around the shop ]

Tattoo Artist: You can pick from any of these tattoo designs on this wall here.

David Spade: [ looking around ] Okay.. [ points to tattoo design of a wooden cross ] “In Loving Memory. Mom.” Aww.. I killed her!

[ cut to Sean etching the tattoo on Spade’s arm ]

David Spade: I’m gonna ask you some questions I thought of..

Sean Penn: Uh-huh..

David Spade: ..you just ask them as honestly and as candidly as you can.. [ hears the needle on his arm ] Did I just get hit with lightning? Oh, my God.. you’re hurting me..

Sean Penn: Yeah.. that’s what I came here for.

[ cut to Spade looking at the tattoo designs on the wall ]

David Spade: [ points to a blue demon ] This one kind of screams out.. “I’m a simple man.. I need a down-to-earth girl.. that I can kill!

[ cut back to Spade with Sean ]

David Spade: How many tattoos do you have, Sean?

Sean Penn: Me? I have about five.

David Spade: Five? Do you have one on your bikini line? [ grins ] Prove it.

[ cut to Spade looking at more tattoos ]

David Spade: [ points to a jet ] “Boss, de plane!” Get it? Tattoo!

[ cut to Spade with Sean ]

David Spade: Have you noticed that all these tattoos in here have one common theme? Satan!

[ Spade points to a tattoo of a winged demon ]

David Spade: I like this one, but you know who has it already? Katie Couric. And we don’t want to be twinsies.

[ cut to Spade with Sean ]

David Spade: Hey, you have a Chinese symbol. What’s that one mean?

Sean Penn: I’m not tellin’ ya.

David Spade: [ smartass ] Montel Williams?

[ cut to Spade looking at the tattoos ]

David Spade: [ points to Tazmanian Devil holding severed head of Bugs Bunny ] Hey, Moms, here’s one for the kids.. [ points to flaming red skull ] This one says, “I’m unemployed, and my girlfriend works at Hooters.”

[ cut to Spade and Sean ]

David Spade: Do you remember where you were when you heard that JFK was assassinated?

Sean Penn: I was three.. I don’t know.. why?

David Spade: Do you remember where you were when Wham broke up?

Sean Penn: [ laughs ] I just know I was crying!

David Spade: [ laughing ] Uh.. did you see the talking pig movie?

Sean Penn: No.

David Spade: You didn’t see “The Net”?

Sean Penn: [ laughs in spite of himself ]

David Spade: If this wasn’t real pain, would I have a rod?

[ cut to Spade looking at more tattoos ]

David Spade: [ points to second flaming red skull ] This one says, “Don’t trust me with your children – I’m no babysitter!”

[ cut to Spade and Sean ]

David Spade: Okay, we’ll do a scene from “Casualties of War”. I’ll play Michael J. Fox, and you play you. [ imitates Michael J. Fox ] “Hey, Sarge.. um.. what are we doing here exactly..?”

Sean Penn: Getting a tattoo.

David Spade: “We’re what?”

Sean Penn: Tattoo. You’re getting a tattoo.

David Spade: “You gotta give me a minute on that, Sarge.. Mallory..?”

[ cut to Spade looking at more tattoos ]

David Spade: [ points to an eagle ] This one screams out.. “I have an eagle tattooed on me.. a big one..” Okay, I’m out of jokes.

[ cut to Sean finishing Spade’s tattoo ]

Sean Penn: Oh, that’s that. That’s on there..

David Spade: We have a winner?

Sean Penn: I didn’t say that – I said it’s on there.

[ cut to Spade back at the studio ]

David Spade: Okay, so if you couldn’t tell, that’s Calvin without Hobbes.. and, if it matter,s it is real.. and in five years it’ll be like having Mary Worth on there, I know. But I’d like to thank Sean – he was great about that. And I’ll see you guys next week. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Self-Punishment

Tommy…..Jim Breuer
Miss Keller…..Laura Leighton
Mr. Kaufman…..Mark McKinney

[ FADE IN: ]

[ INT. FIDELITY MUTUAL — DAY ]

[ Company executive MISS KELLER is seated at her desk. Her client, MR. KAUFMAN, is across from her. ]

Miss Keller: Mr. Kaufman, I want to thank you for banking with Fidelity Mutual. Now, what I’m going to do is take you step-by-step through the investment process.

Mr. Kaufman: Oh, great! Sounds like fun.

[ Enter TOMMY. ]

Miss Keller: Oh, excuse me.

Tommy: Hi, Miss Keller.

Miss Keller: Hi, Tommy. Listen, Tommy — did you get around to mailing that package to the Dunlap firm this morning?

[ Tommy pounds a closed fist against his forehead a couple of times. ]

Tommy: Oh, dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! What is wrong with me?

Miss Keller: As long as it’s out by the end of the day, everything will be fine!

[ Tommy pounds his closed fist against his forehead one more time. Mr. Kaufman squirms in his chair. ]

Tommy: Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot.

[ Tommy departs. ]

Miss Keller: Don’t worry about him; he’s really a sweet kid. So, did you get a chance to look over the paperwork?

Mr. Kaufman: Yeah, I did. But, my lawyer said that there was a document missing from the fax you sent us?

Miss Keller: Okay, um

[ Miss Keller presses the intercom button on her phone. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy? Can I see you in here again for a second?

[ Tommy briskly enters. ]

Tommy: Yeah?

Miss Keller: Tommy, thanks for faxing off the document this morning. But I need you to do it again.

Tommy: Okay, sure!

Miss Keller: Okay. But this time, make sure all the pages go through, because they didn’t get them all this morning.

Mr. Kaufman: Yeah, we were missing the A1-P2 form.

[ Tommy starts breathing in a labored manner. ]

Tommy: Oh!

[ Tommy grabs the back of his hair and begins slamming his head against Miss Keller’s adjacent filing cabinets. ]

Tommy: Always wrong! Always wrong! Always wrong! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!

Miss Keller: Tommy, stop it!

Tommy: CAN’T I GET ANYTHING RIGHT!?!?

[ Tommy picks up Miss Keller’s desk lamp and smashes it into his skull. Miss Keller gets out of her chair. ]

Miss Keller: Control yourself, Tommy! Now, listen to me: there is no reason carrying on like this!

Tommy: I know, I know, I know

[ Tommy pounds his closed fists against his forehead at an accelerated rate. ]

Tommy: There’s just no reason for STUPIDITY!

[ Mr. Kaufman is frozen in his chair. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy, you really need to get a hold of yourself. You’re scaring the client.

Tommy: Oh, am I scaring you!?

[ Mr. Kaufman nods his head in fear. ]

Tommy: Oh, I shouldn’t be scaring him!!!

[ Tommy slams his head several times on Miss Keller’s desk. Both the jaws of Miss Keller and Mr. Kaufman are on the floor. ]

Tommy: It’s just ALL WRONG!!!

[ Tommy is out of breath. ]

Miss Keller: Maybe you should take a little time off.

Tommy: Oh, no, no, no — I know what you’re trying to say. You wanna fire me but you just don’t have the heart to!

Miss Keller: Oh no, no! I’m just saying–

Tommy: Hit me! HIT ME! C’MON!!! HIT ME!!!

[ Mr. Kaufman unbuttons his shirts sleeves and rolls them up. ]

Mr. Kaufman: Alright — I’ll hit him!

Miss Keller: Mr. Kaufman, please!

Tommy: Oh, no — I’LL DO IT MYSELF!

[ Tommy throws one brutal punch after another onto himself. ]

Tommy: Well, if I had done things right, I wouldn’t have to do this to you myself!

[ Tommy grabs his bangs and subdues himself against Miss Keller’s filing cabinet. Finally, he stops. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy? Stop hitting yourself.

[ Miss Keller gives a slight scream as Tommy starts to position his fists against himself, but he lowers them. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy, can we talk about this later? But for now, can you just leave? Please?

Tommy: Okay. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m leaving.

[ Tommy makes his way to the door. Yet, his right hand goes behind him and grabs his shirt collar. ]

Tommy: Oh, no you don’t — that door’s for people that get things right! YOU ARE GOING THIS WAY!!!

[ Tommy races towards and lunges himself at Miss Keller’s closed window. Glass shatters everywhere. His screams become more and more faint OFF-SCREEN. ]

Tommy: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

[ SOUND of a SPLATTERED BODY hitting a parked vehicle. CAR ALARM goes OFF. ]

Miss Keller: Well, Mr. Kaufman, where were we?

Mr. Kaufman: Well, we were —

[ Cheers and applause. ]

[ FADE OUT ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Old Glory Insurance

…..Sam Waterson

Old Lady #1: When my ex-husband passed away, the insurance company said his policy didn’t cover him.

Old Lady #2: They didn’t have enough money for the funeral.

Old Lady #3: It’s so hard nowadays, with all the gangs and rap music..

Old Lady #1: What about the robots?

Old Lady #4: Oh, they’re everywhere!

Old Lady #1: I don’t even know why the scientists make them.

Old Lady #2: Darren and I have a policy with Old Glory Insurance, in case we’re attacked by robots.

Old Lady #1: An insurance policy with a robot plan? Certainly, I’m too old.

Old Lady #2: Old Glory covers anyone over the age of 50 against robot attack, regardless of current health.

[ cut to Sam Waterston, Compensated Endorser ]

Sam Waterson: I’m Sam Waterston, of the popular TV series “Law & Order”. As a senior citizen, you’re probably aware of the threat robots pose. Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people’s medicine for fuel. Well, now there’s a company that offers coverage against the unfortunate event of robot attack, with Old Glory Insurance. Old Glory will cover you with no health check-up or age consideration. [ SUPER: Limitied Benefits First Two Years ] You need to feel safe. And that’s harder and harder to do nowadays, because robots may strike at any time.

[ show pie chart reading “Cause of Death in Persons Over 50 Years of Age”: Heart Disease, 42% – Robots, 58% ]

And when they grab you with those metal claws, you can’t break free.. because they’re made of metal, and robots are strong. Now, for only $4 a month, you can achieve peace of mind in a world full of grime and robots, with Old Glory Insurance. So, don’t cower under your afghan any longer. Make a choice. [ SUPER: “WARNING: Persons denying the existence of Robots may be Robots themselves. ] Old Glory Insurance. For when the metal ones decide to come for you – and they will.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Laura Leighton’s Monologue

…..Laura Leighton
Lucien…..Mark McKinney
Fagan…..David Koechner

Laura Leighton: Well! Here I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Let me tell you, this is quite a thrill. And, to think, three years ago I was having a hard time keeping a job as a waitress; I was driving a car iwthout air conditioning around L.A.; and men found me unattractive. [ laughs ] But, then along came a little show called “Melrose Place”.

Lucien & Fagan: [ throwing roses to Laura’s feet as the audience cheers her program [ Bravo! Bravo! Yes! Bravo!

Laura Leighton: Um.. thank you! Anyway, um.. I play a character on “Melrose Place” called Sydney.
Fagan: Sydney!

Lucien: Yes!

Fagan: Sydney!

Lucien: Yes!

Fagan: Oh!

Lucien: Delicious!

Laura Leighton: Thank you. Anyway, my character, Sydney..
Fagan: Excuse me, yes, yes? We’re your biggest fans. Did you recieve our gifts? Er?

[ Lucien and Fagan approach the stage ]

Laura Leighton: Um.. what are you talking about?

Fagan: Er, er.. Lucien and myself, er, Fagan, yes. We sent you a sweater and a cake.

Lucien: A pumpkin cake!

Fagan: Tell us, did they arrive in good order?

Laura Leighton: Oh-h-h.. that was you two. Oh. Well, yes. I loved the sweater, and the cake was delicious!

Lucien: It was a pumpkin cake!

Fagan: Er, pumpkin. Er-her! [ they bow in front of her ]

Laura Leighton: Pumpkin. Right. Um.. you’re very nice.

[ Lucien and Fagan are titilated by her statement ]

Lucien: Oh, forgive me, Miss Leighton. But standing on the same stage with the thespian who plays the evil Sydney on “Melrose Place” fills me with such thrilling electricity, that I feel like a weasel on a hotplate!

Fagan: Er, second it! Er-her! [ they bow ]

Laura Leighton: Well, thank you.. I think.

Fagan: Er, may I say, uh.. of all the characters on “Melrose Place”, yours stands out like a beacon! Ooh! Yes! Illuminating! Yes! The tempting evil that titilates us to the very fleshiest parts of our bodies! Er-her-hoo! [ they bow ]

Laura Leighton: Uh.. thanks. That’s a little more information than I think I needed.

Fagan: Er-her-her! Yes. May I confess a few of my favorite plot twists? Yes? Sydney the stripper!

Lucien: Oh, delicious!

Fagan: Sydney the prostitute!

Lucien: Delightful!

Fagan: Sydney the blackmailer!

Lucien: Oh, the perfect viper!

Fagan: Sydney the astronaut!

Lucien: Blast off!

Laura Leighton: Astronaut? I haven’t played an astronaut.

Lucien: It’s an idea we have!

Laura Leighton: Ohhh..

Fagan: Perhaps we can speak of that later, yes? Er-her-her..

Lucien: [ holding encanvassed object ] In that you have made every Monday night at eight o’clock a treaure of titilation for us, we offer you this gift.

Fagan: And we reaffirm our pledge to be their every episode watchingyou, praising you, and, as depicted in this photo.. [ unveils photo ]

Laura Leighton: [ grimacing ] Oh, my God! This is how you watch my show?

Lucien: Oh, yes! Bare-assed naked!

Fagan: Yes, it adds a certain spice to the occasion.

Laura Leighton: Yes. Well.. thank you. [ bows to them ]

Fagan: Oh! Oh-oh-er.. [ they bow right back ]

Laura Leighton: Okay, I’ll keep that in mind. Well, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Rancid is here. Feel free to watch it bare-assed naked! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Cydney

Sydney…..Laura Leighton
Sebastian…..Time Meadows
Leering Midget…..Will Ferrell
Leading Midget…..Mark McKinney
Smart-Ass Midget…..David Spade
Smoking Midget…..Norm MacDonald
Topless Midget…..Fred Wolf
Jake…..Grant Show

[ open on video footage of clouds rolling, a close-up of a man’s clip whispering “Cydney”, a perfume bottle marked “Cydney” smashing to the floor, various quick clips ]

[ cut to Sydney of “Melrose Place” swaying back and forth in a black-and-white commercial surrounded by a group of tuxedo-clad midgets, the one closest to her leering up her dress ]

Sydney: Cut! Cut! Sebastian!

[ cameras stop rolling ]

Sebastian: [ rushes in ] Sydney, what’s going on? It was going great.

Sydney: Sebastian, that.. midget was leering at me. I’m trying to sell perfume, and that midget over there thinks there’s an all-you-can-look buffet up my skirt!

[ Sebastian smacks the Leering Midget on the head ]

Leering Midget: Yeah.. I’m sorry. I’ve hit sort of a dry patch on the dating circuit, uh.. I’ll.. I’ll knock it off. But you know, we actually prefer “little person” over “midget”.. if you don’t mind?

Sydney: Oh, my god! The midget can talk! Which one are you – Sleepy? Grumpy? Or, I don’t recall – was there a Talking-Too-Muchy?

Sebastian: [ snickers gayly ] Syndney: 1; Munchkin: 0. There’s no contest!

Leading Midget: Yeah, by the way, my colleague said we prefer “little person” over “midget”.. and by the way, “Munchkin” doesn’t really blow our skirts up, either. Okay? Oh, well. Alright, let’s pick it up from Sydney’s entrance, okay, people? And.. action!

[ cut back to opening video cloud footage – dissolve into black-and-white taping of Sydney swaying with the midgets, Sebastian still standing in the scene ]

Sebastian: Cut! Stop tape!

Sydney: [ angry ] Oh, come on! What now?!

[ cameras stop rolling ]

Sebastian: [ to Leading Midget ] Say, uh.. I was wondering – aren’t you a midget?

Leading Midget: Well.. we refer to ourselves as “little people”.. but.. yes, I am.

Sebastian: Right, right.. you’re a midget, and I’m a director! Don’t you ever yell “Action!” again!

Smart-Ass Midget: [ mimicking Sebastian ] “Oh, look at me! I’m Joe Director! Listen to what I say – I’m smart! And I’m over 4-feet tall! Listen up!”

Sydney: [ notices one of the midgets smoking ] Excuse me? Um.. hello? Over there. There’s no smoking! And if you think I’m not going to ask you to put that cigarette out just because you’re a midget, youre terribly mistaken!

Smoking Midget: Alright, alright.. here.. [ stuffs his cigarette under his shoe and presses down to put it out ] And, also, lady, am I crazy, or did you hear about a hundred times that we don’t like to be called “midgets”?

Sydney: [ sighs ] Oh. Sebastian, they are so gross! Why can’t they all be like that midget who sells Lucky Charms? He seems fun.

Sebastian: [ laughs gayly ] Sydney, I love the Lucky Charms – they’re magically delicious! Oh well, let’s call them “little people”, since that’s what they prefer.

Smoking Midget: Yeah, yeah. Hey! Just like you prefer”confirmed bachelor” over.. uh.. “giant fruit”!

Sydney: I didn’t hear that! Okay, people, from the top.”Sydney: Perfume Commercial” on three.. and.. Action!

[ cut back to opening video cloud footage – dissolve into black-and-white taping of Sydney swaying with the midgets, one of whom is now topless ]

Sydney: [ yells at midget, camera stops rolling ] Midget! [ he keeps dancing ] Hey, hey, hey! Heeeeyyyy!! Why do you have your shirt off!

Topless Midget: [ stops dancing ] Because I figure this commercial’s all about sex, and being sexy! I’m sexy, you’re sexy – didn’t you get the memo? Sex sells!

Sydney: Oh, you’re sexy? I’d rather rub up against a bag of golf clubs! You are not sexy at all!

Topless Midget: [ gasping ] Oh, you are so wrong, Lady!

Sydney: [ notices Smart-Ass Midget casually reading the newspaper ] Excuse me? Midget? Um.. are we boring you? Okay, we’ll have a conversation: “Midget, how’s the weather down there?”

Topless Midget: Hmm.. it’s okay. Hey, how’s the weather up there? Uh.. apparently, it’s partly bitchy! [ holds his hand up for the Leering Midget ] Yeahhh, low five!

[ the other midgets start to laugh and lake fun of Sydney ]

Sydney: Sebastian! Sebastian! I hate this commercial! They spelled my name wrong on the botle – it’s “Sydney” with an “S”! I just want to go back to “Melrose Place”! There’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home..

[ zoom in on Sydney’s face, dissolve into Sydney floating in a dream-like sequence, then dissolve into Sydney waking in her bed surrounded by the fantastic-looking guys of “Melrose Place”. ]

Sydney: [ groggy ] ..there’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home..

Jake: Sydney, wake up. It’s okay. There was a tornado, andyou hit your head.

Sydney: [ waking up ] Oh, my God! You mean it was all just a dream? Oh, you wouldn’t believe where I was! There were all these.. weird little people, and monsters.. Oh, I’m so glad to be back here in Melrose Place, where everybody is so fantastic-looking! [ camera zooms out to reveal the Topless Midget standing next to Sydney’s bed ] Oh, God! Except you! Beat it, Freak!

[ the Melrose Place boys push the Topless Midget away and laugh at him ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Home For The Holidays

Time-Life Operator…..Nancy Walls
Steve…..Mark McKinney
Daughter…..Laura Leighton
James…..Jim Breuer
Bobby…..Fred Wolf
Mom…..Molly Shannon
Dad…..Will Ferrell

Time-Life Operator: Hi, I’m Cindy, Time-Life operator! Steve isgoing to tell you all about our new holiday offer, and then I’ll be back to take your order! See you soon!

Steve: Thanks, Cindy. Yes, the holiday season is here, and many of us head home to be our families. But to those of us who just can’t make it home this year, Time-Life is offering a video collection of all the incredible family fights you’ll miss out on. Yes, these tapes contain all the strained conversations, dysfunctional couplings, and plain old meltdowns that we come to expect during holiday get-togethers. The first video collection contains ten family fights, like these:

[ supers of each one scroll up the screen as Steve reads them ]

“So, tell me, how is sitting in a tent in Peru going to make me feel good about the seventy grand I spent putting you through college?”

“Dad, quit talking to her so much, she’s my girlfriend.”

What made you think you could bring that black man into my house. I don’t give a god G*d damn if he does hear me.”

And this holiday favorite: “Feeling Tipsy.”

[ cut to a Dramatization of this holiday classic, set around the dinner table ]

Daughter: What are you grinning at, James?

James: [ tipsy ] What?! I’m just happy!

Bobby: Yeah, try stoned..

Daughter: Look at you, you look like an idiot, grinning like a jackass. You’re drunk again, aren’t you?

Mom: Alright, who took my cooking sherry?

Dad: [ quiet until now ] That’s it! [ flips his dinner plate and jumps out of his chair ] F**k this! I’m leaving!

Steve Voiceover: And others, like:

[ supers scroll up the screen ]

“We don’t care about the sixties, Mom, the sixties are over! Now you’re all just sad.”

“I’m sorry I, I didn’t mean, I’m sorry I didn’t mean, I’m sorry I didn’t I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it just slipped out.”

“You’ll eat every bite of that dinner your mother cooked, and if youvomit it up, you’ll eat that, too.”

And, “Not Good Enough.”

[ cut to another Dramatization ]

Dad: [ yelling at James ] You screw up everything you put your hands on! You scratched my car..!

James: It was Bobby!

Bobby: [ mimicking ] It was Bobby!

Dad: You’re both pathetic! What’s the point? What’s thedamn point?

Daughter: Dad, you wouldn’t know the point if it bit you in the ass.

Dad: That’s it! [ flips his dinner plate and jumps out of his chair ] F**k this! I’m leaving!

Steve Voiceover: Each month, you’ll receive a collection from “Home For the Holidays.” You can cancel at anytime. But don’t miss out, because you’ll also get:

[ supers scroll up the screen ]

“I pierced my ear because I like it. I pierced my nose because I hate you.”

“I thought you said that you’d take care of this dog? I’ll take himout in the backyard right now and shoot him in the f**kin’ head.”

“It’s homosexual, Dad, not faggot. And no, I don’t have to live here.”

And the classic, “Abrupt Eruption.”

[ cut to final Dramatization ]

James: Mom, this turkey is incredible!

Bobby: Yeah, it’s great!

Mom: Thanks, boys! Well, it’s smoked, that’s why it’s so tender.

Daughter: Dad, will you pass the cranberry sauce?

Dad: That’s it! [ flips his dinner plate and jumps out of his chair ] F**k this! I’m leaving!

Steve Voiceover: Here’s Cindy, to tell you more.

[ cut back to Cindy ]

Time-Life Operator: Call the number at the bottom of your screen, and I’ll be standing by to take your order!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Goodnights

…..Laura Leighton

Laura Leighton: Well, it’s been a blast! I’d like to thank everybody here, at “Saturday Night Live” – Rancid – and Grant!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Git With You

Homeboy…..Tim Meadows
Woman…..Laura Leighton

[ open on the outside of Provence Restaurant – a Woman steps outside tohail a cab, where she is noticed by a Homeboy on the sidewalk ]

Homeboy: Hey, baby. I gotta git with you!

Woman: I’m sorry?

Homeboy: You heard me. I gotta git with you all night!

Woman: Please, I don’t want to be bothered tonight.

Homeboy: I wanna git with you!

Woman: Look.. I had a hard day, and I’m really not in the mood for this.

Homeboy: I wanna git with you all night long!

Woman: Okay. Let’s say you can “git” with me.. all night long. Where does that get me?

Homeboy: In the Winner’s Circle, baby! [ laughs ]

Woman: You know what, I think you’re thinking about what you need, and not about what I need.

Homeboy: No, no, baby, you got me all wrong, you know?

Woman: No, no, I don’t.

Homeboy: Look.. I was thinking maybe we could go see “Il Postino” at one of those art movie houses.. or any of those foreign films, like “Shaft in Africa”, you know?

Woman: [ laughs ] You don’t know anything about foreign films. You probably just read that in the paper.

Homeboy: [ thinking ] I just wanna git with you!

Woman: I’d say, at this point, it’s highly unlikely that you’regoing to “git” with me, as you so eloqently put it.

Homeboy: Aw, but baby!

Woman: Don’t call me baby. I’m not your baby. And stopgrabbing your crotch, it’s really unattractive.

Homeboy: Alright. Well, how about this? I was thinking we could walk around Washington Square Park and hold hands, you know, while we look at all the different chess players – you know, just people watch. And then we could into one of those coffee/cafe houses and whisper to each other about our hopes and our dreams for the future, and wonder why it’s so easy to feel isolated in a room full of people. And then I wanna git with you!

Woman: See, there you go again..

Homeboy: Oh, no, no.. you talking about my phrase, “Git With You”, huh? See, I use that purely to express my desire to connect with you in the Earth Mother sense, you know? “Git With You” referring to the many treasures that you as a woman share, you know? Life-giving milk and peaceful beauty. Hence the phrase “Git With You”, which is what I wanna do. Now, can I git with you?

Woman: No!

Homeboy: You know, you just threatened by the honesty of mysexuality.

Woman: Oh, save it for your next Penthouse letter. Youdon’t know anything about me.

Homeboy: Oh, baby, I know everything about you! You know, I know exactly what you like. You know, we could sit around your bedroom and cut cool pictures out of magazines, and I’ll braid your hair.. we can call all your friends on the telephone and get all giddy and laughing.. and we can watch some late-night movie and create our own dialogue. And then one day we’ll be carving pumpkins at Halloween together, and I’ll look at you, and you’ll have a pumpkin seed on your nose, and I’ll reach to knock it off, and you’ll gently grab my hand and look into my eyes.. and then I wanna git with you!

Woman: Why does it always have to end the same way? It was actually nice until then.

Homeboy: Really? Well.. you know, what say you and me go back to my room at the Y? ‘ Cause, you know, I got a big ol’ jug of Gallo Wine just sitting there, you know? And we can just sit around and talk like friends and listen to my transistor radio.

Woman: [ pause ] You promise you’re not gonna try to “git” with me?

Homeboy: Nooo.. we all past that point now.

Woman: [ thinking ] Okay.

Homeboy: [ holds up his arm for her to grab ] Bob.

Woman: [ grabs his arm ] Susan.

Homeboy: You know, in the future, after we get a bond together and everything – can I git with you?

Woman: We’ll see.

[ they walk off into the night ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6



Search Now:

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

The Fortune Teller

Madam Sophia…..Laura Leighton
Stan Hopper…..Norm Macdonald
Beverly…..Nancy Walls

(Opens with a shot of Madam Sophia’s Tarot CardsReadings shop. Signs advertise Psychic and ReaderAdvisor. Cut to inside of the shop)

Stan: Hello. Anybody here? Hello. Anybodyaround? (Madam Sophia emerges from one door)

Madam Sophia: Hello. I’m Madam Sophia.

Stan: Hey, cool. I got this card for my birthday. Itsays I’m entitled to one free reading. I don’t believemuch in that stuff. But what the heck?

Madam Sophia: Yes. Have a seat.

Stan: OK, thanks fortune lady.

(They both sit down in front of a table with a crystalball in front of them. She gives the tarot cards toStan)

Madam Sophia: Cut the cards.

Stan: All right. There you go.

(Madam flips cards in front of Stan)

Madam Sophia: Now I’m gonna tell you about your past, yourpresent and your future.

Stan: OK, if it’s free tell away. Tarot cards, huh?Cool. Fortune stuff.

Madam Sophia: I see that you have a very large family.

Stan: Yes, yes large family, that’s true.

Madam Sophia: You have 7 brothers and sisters.

Stan: Hey, hey! That’s right!

Madam Sophia: Yes, but you were especially close to yoursister.

Stan: Wow! Yes, I am! That’s cool!

Madam Sophia: Your sister misses you and all her otherbrothers. John–

Stan: Uh, huh.

Madam Sophia: Ben, Michael you’re Stan–

Stan: Yeah.

Madam Sophia: Richard and Phil.

Stan: Good Lord! That’s incredible!

Madam Sophia: You were all so happy back in Ohio.

Stan: Yeah, we were. Yeah.

Madam Sophia: Back in your hometown—

Stan: Oh, yeah, man we loved that place.

Madam Sophia: Your hometown of Dayton, Ohio.

Stan: No!

Madam Sophia: It’s not Dayton?

Stan: No! it’s Cincinnati. It’s not even near Dayton!Jeez!!

Madam Sophia: Well, lets move on. (Hand gestures over crystalball)

Stan: Dayton! Dayton! (Jerks thumb at the Madam)

Madam Sophia: You miss your sister.

Stan: Yeah, yeah I miss her, yeah. Hey! you know whatelse I miss? Dayton! Oh, yeah good old Dayton! I’llnever forget that place.

Madam Sophia: Your sister hasn’t told you something. It is afamily secret. It concerns a man named Jerry Hoster.

Stan: Jerry Hoster. Yeah, yeah. He was a handyman whoworked in our farm in Cincinnati – or as you may knowit, Dayton!

Madam Sophia: This Jerry. He was a very bad man.

Stan: Ohh, he’s the baddest man in Dayton!

Madam Sophia: The secret involves your mother. She reached aviolent end…with a hatchet.

Stan: Yeah, she was murdered with a hatchet, if thatwhat you’re referring to.

Madam Sophia: They never solved the murder. They never foundher killer.

Stan: Yeah, there were no witnesses. Yeah, themDayton police just couldn’t figure it out. (Jerk thumbsagain and grins at her)

Madam Sophia: Wait! There was one witness. Your sister!

Stan: My sister? My sister saw the murder?

Madam Sophia: That’s why she’s troubled! She repressed thememory of who killed your mother.

Stan: Really? Wh..ooo.., who did it, who did it!

Madam Sophia: It was….I can’t see it….I can’t.

Stan: Who was it? Who was it?

Madam Sophia: Only your mother knows. I can summon her spiritif you like.

Stan: Yeah, yeah summon her spirit.

(Madam Sophia closes her eyes and chants)

Madam Sophia: Beverly! Come to us! Beverly your son needsyou! Beverly come to us!

(Beverly’s head floats upon Stan’s and the Madam’sheads)

Beverly: Stanley!

Stan: Mom! Is that you?

Beverly: Stanley, I can hear you!

Stan: Oh, my God! Mom! I miss you, mom!

Beverly: I miss you too Stanley.

Stan: Mom, did we ever live in Dayton?

Beverly: No.

Stan: You ever been to Dayton?

Beverly: No.

Stan: Did you ever consider living in Dayton?

Beverly: No.

Stan: OK, mom so just for the record, I want to beabsolutely clear here…is any of our family evenremotely connected to the city of Dayton?

Beverly: No, but son I love you.

Stan: OK, thank you. Thanks a lot.

(Mother’s image disappears)

Madam Sophia: Ask her about the murder. She’s leaving!

Stan: Yeah, well she’s probably on her way up toDayton. Don’t worry about it. Hey, look lady this hasbeen a lot of fun, you know but I got to get going.Good birthday present. Been a hoot.

Madam Sophia: No, wait! I see who killed your mother. It wasthe handyman.

Stan: What? Jerry?

Madam Sophia: Yes, and he’s nearby. If you leave this roomyou’ll be killed exactly like your mother was…with ahatchet!

Stan: Oh, yeah, well I better be careful. OK, bye-byefortune lady.

(Gets up and leaves)

Madam Sophia: No, wait…no!

Stan: OK, bye-bye. Take care.

(Madam Sophia gets up and looks from her door at Stanand screams)

Madam Sophia: Aaaahhh!!!!

(Stan comes back in impaled by a spear, the pointsticks out of his belly)

Stan: Well, well, well…..looky here! Yep, somebody threw a hatchet at me, all right. Yeah, that’s a hatchet. You know how I can tell? By it’s giant spear-like shape! Yeah, no doubt about it! Hey!,I’ll tell you what, maybe I’ll go now, I gotta get back to Dayton, maybe I’ll chop down a tree with my shiny new hatchet! (Waves the spear around with his body) Huh?Dayton, Dayton. Good Lord!

(Leaves, Madam Sophia is left horrified)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Air Force One

Bob Dole…..Norm Macdonald
Newt Gingrich…..Darrell Hammond
Denise Pamillan…..Cheri Oteri
Ken Pamillan…..Will Ferrell
Flight Attendant…..Nancy Walls
Captain…..Mark McKinney
Passenger…..Paula Pell
Reporter…..Steve Higgins

FADE IN:

[ NBC News footage of Air Force One taking off from Ben Gurion Airport. ]

[ SUPER: AIR FORCE ONE, TEL AVIV TO WASHINGTON ]

[ NBC News footage of Presidents Clinton, H.W. Bush, and Carter in the Conference Room. All are smiles, despite leaving the memorial service for the late Israeli Prime Minister: Yitzhak Rabin. ]

Reporter (V/0): Doing good, Mr. President?

President Clinton (V/O): Yep… sure is… at least up front!

[ All three presidents exchange a light laugh. ]

[ INT. AIR FORCE ONE – REAR CABIN – DAY ]

[ Senate Majority Leader BOB DOLE and House Speaker NEWT GINGRICH are seated. ]

Newt Gingrich: Ya know, Bob — I simply can’t believe he made us sit back here! I just can’t believe it!

Bob Dole: Yeah, I can’t believe the size of these damn nuts!

[ Senator Dole lightly shakes a bag of airline peanuts. ]

Bob Dole: Damn outrage! Nothing but nut dust!!!

[ Senator Dole shakes the bag too hard, and all the peanut dust spills onto Speaker Gingrich’s suit. ]

Newt Gingrich: Oh God!!! Has any other Speaker of the House been subjected to this total lack of respect!?

Bob Dole: Pip down, Gingrich — we’ll fix his wagon when we get back to Washington, D.C.!

[ A FLIGHT ATTENDANT strolls by with a tray of scones. ]

Newt Gingrich: Excuse me, ma’am? Those scones are looking mighty tasty. Could I just have one of those?

Flight Attendant: I’m sorry, these scones are for the President. Now, when I come back, I’ll try to scrounge something up for you and the Senator. Okay?

Bob Dole: Ah, that’s wonderful! Bob Dole’s been serving this country for 50 years, and has to now beg for a biscuit?

Flight Attendant: You a little cranky today, Mr. Senator? Please tighten your seat belts. Okay? Thanks!

[ Both Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich fasten their seat belts, which are nothing more than white nylon rope. ]

Bob Dole: I’ll show her cranky! It won’t be long before I’m riding up front all the time, now that Powell pushed out.

[ A flock of chickens roam the main aisle. ]

Bob Dole: Damn chickens!

Newt Gingrich: What the hell!?

[ NBC News footage of President Clinton appearing content. ]

Captain (V/O): Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! This is the Captain speaking. We’re currently flying over the Mediterranean at an altitude of 38,000 feet. In a moment, we’ll begin our complimentary beverage service in the Presidential Cabin. And in the Rear Cabin, you folks there can purchase your beverages for $3.50.

[ Senator Dole starts to unfasten his “seat belt”. ]

Bob Dole: $3.50 for a drink!? I’ll clean his redneck clock!!!

Newt Gingrich: Bob, Bob, Bob!!! C’mon, just relax! He’ll pay for this when we get back to Washington. We’ll shut down the whole damn government if we have to!

[ Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich share a hearty laugh and clasp hands. ]

Bob Dole: Sounds good!

[ DENISE & KEN PAMILLAN pop out from their seats, which are behind the two political leaders. ]

Denise Pamillan: Excuse me, excuse me… are you Bob Dole? And are you Newt Gingrich?

Newt Gingrich: Yes, ma’am!

Ken Pamillan: Wow! I’m Ken Pamillan, and this is my wife, Denise!

Denise Pamillan: Hi!

Ken Pamillan: We’re the winners of the “Win a Flight on Air Force One” contest.

Denise Pamillan: This is like a dream come true for us! We’ve never won anything before! But now, here we are — sitting with two big politicians!!!

[ The Pamillans share a loud laugh. ]

Ken Pamillan: All thanks to the folks at the Kellogg’s Cereal Company!

Denise Pamillan: No, it’s thanks to you, honey — I didn’t have the patience to save up 500 Box Tops!

[ The Pamillans share another loud laugh and return to their seats. Senator Dole stops the flight attendant as she comes by. ]

Bob Dole: Ma’am, ma’am… I’m begging! A saltine, a French fry… anything! What do you have here?

Flight Attendant: I’m sorry, but with the President on board, there aren’t a lot of leftovers.

[ Speaker Gingrich chuckles. ]

Bob Dole: Ha, ha! President likes to eat. What a great barrel of laughs…

Captain (V/O): In a few moments, we will begin today’s movie presentation. In the Presidential Cabin, we’ll be showing “Casino”, with Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci. And in our Rear Cabin, we present “The Beastmaster”, starring Tanya Roberts.

Ken Pamillan: Did you hear that, guys!? “The Beastmaster”!

Denise Pamillan: Pinch me, Ken! Because I must be dreaming!!!

[ The Pamillans share another loud laugh. Ken holds a can of soda in front of Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich. ]

Ken Pamillan: You guys want a soda? Because we have an extra.

Bob Dole: Give me that!

[ Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich battle over the soda. Senator Dole wins. ]

President Clinton (V/O): Bob…Newt…

[ PRESIDENT CLINTON, only backside visible, whisks through the Rear Cabin to shake hands with Pamillans. ]

President Clinton (V/O): How ‘ya doing? How’re you enjoying your flight so far?

Newt Gingrich: Mr. President, we’re hoping we could talk about the budget?

President Clinton (V/O): Maybe later, Newt. Listen, Donna Shalala is in the can up front, so I’m just gonna use yours!

[ President Clinton departs. ]

Bob Dole: Mr. President, Bob Dole has flown on Air Force One over a 100 times and never had to —

[ A goat in the main aisle starts licking Senator Dole’s shoe. ]

Bob Dole: What the hell!? Is that a goat? Good Lord! Mr. President…Mr. President!? Gosh, dammit!

[ Senator Dole tosses his soda can at the nearest window, which cause it to shatter. Air Force One starts to lose cabin pressurization, and almost sucks out a female PASSENGER, who screams in terror. Speaker Gingrich struggles to save her. ]

Newt Gingrich: What in the world!? Now, look what you’ve done! What do you have to say for yourself?

Bob Dole: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts