Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 18th, 1995 Laura Leighton Rancid None Paula Pell Sam Waterston Grant Show Sean Penn Air Force OneSummary: While President Clinton lives it up in First Class, Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) and Newt Gingrich (Darrell Hammond) must settle for the third world conditions of flying Coach. Recurring Characters: Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich. Transcript
Montage
Laura Leighton’s MonologueSummary: Laura Leighton’s biggest fans, Lucien (Mark McKinney) and Fagan (David Koechner), lavish their idol with flowers, reference favorite episodes, and present her with a portrait of themselves enjoying her performance on “Melrose Place”. Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagan. Transcript
Old Glory InsuranceSummary: Sam Waterston endorses the insurance plan that protects elderly people against robot attacks. Transcript
The Fortune TellerSummary: A skeptical customer (Norm MacDonald) makes fun of a fortune teller (Laura Leighton) after she incorrectly states the name of his hometown. Transcript
Home For The HolidaysSummary: Time-Life videotape series catalogues a series of family fights over the Thanksgiving holidays. Transcript
What a Woman WantsSummary: Female hosts (Laura Leighton, Molly Shannon) have all the answers.
CydneySummary: In a nightmare dream sequence on “Melrose Place”, Sydney (Laura Leighton) is harrassed by annoying midgets during a perfume commercial shoot. Transcript
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Norm MacDonald is twice the victim of a Howard Stern supporter posing as a serious commentator. Local resident Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) delivers neighborhood news items from his block. Recurring Characters: Joe Blow.
Rancid performs “Roots Radical”
RobertaSummary: The presence of bland co-worker Roberta (Cheri Oteri) ruins a businesswoman’s (Laura Leighton) party. Recurring Characters: Roberta.
Spade in AmericaSummary: Sean Penn agrees to an interview with David Spade as long as he can give the “SNL” star a tattoo. Transcript
Self-PunishmentSummary: Tommy (Jim Breuer) tortures himself for making mistakes at the office. Transcript
Rancid performs “Ruby Soho”
Git With YouSummary: Crossing paths on a stret corner, a homeboy (Tim Meadows) tells a businesswoman (Laura Leighton) that he wants to “git” with her. Transcript
…..Quentin Tarantino Spike Lee…..Tim Meadows Oliver Stone…..David Koechner Gus Van Sant…..Mark McKinney
Quentin Tarantino: Hello. I’m Quentin Tarantino, and welcome to “Directors On Directing”. Every week we try to take one aspect of the director’s art/craft, and put it under the microscope. Tonight’s subject: The relationship between the director and his actresses. Tonight’s guests include to my left, director of “Do The Right Thing” and “Malcom X”, Spike Lee. [ Applause ] And to my right, Academy Award winning director of “Platoon”, “JFK”, and my script “Natural Born Killers”, Oliver Stone. [ Applause ] And to his right, director of “Drugstore Cowboy” and “My Own Private Idaho”, Gus Van Sant. [ Applause ] So gentlemen, let’s get started, alright? Now the relationship between a director and his actress can be the most intimate relationship a man and a woman can share. When a director and an actress click, only a husband and wife, or a father and a daughter, share the same level of intimacy, closeness and, above all, trust. Now for us directors, the relationship is very simple: Actresses are some of the most beautiful women in the world and directors are, by and large, the most butt-ugly, motley group of geeks found this side of a Star Trek convention. Now, if I had a nickel for every director in Hollywood who any woman would give a second glance to if they weren’t a director, I couldn’t buy my way into a pay toilet. Now, take me for example, alright? Compared to the ugliest guy on Melrose Place, I look like a mutt with a mange. But you compare me to another director, I’m Ethan Hawke. Now Spike, a few years ago during the Academy Awards, Kim Bassinger stopped the show in mid-ceremony to declare her admiration for you and your film “Do The Right Thing”. Then about a week or so later, you had lunch with her. So now Spike did you jam her?
Spike Lee: I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Q, you know I only date black women.
Quentin Tarantino: I didn’t ask if you’d marry her, I asked did you jam her.
Spike Lee: Hey man, I’m married.
Quentin Tarantino: [ laughs ] Yeah, and the LAPD practices reasonable restraint. Spike, you’re a horny bastard. I know it, you know it, and so does everybody else.
Spike Lee: What the hell are you talking about, man? You don’t know me!
Quentin Tarantino: Everybody here who didn’t shoot an extreme close-up of their lips sucking on Rosie Perez’s breast, raise your hand, alright?
[ Tarantino, Oliver and Gus all raise their hands ]
Quentin Tarantino: I think I rest my case. We’re moving on! Alright, Oliver, you’re very much involved with the Asian community in America. You produced the “Joy Luck Club”, you directed “Heaven And Earth” and you constantly have dinners and functions for the Asian community. But Oliver, let’s call a spade a spade. [waves off Spike ] All your work with the Asian community, you do all this crap just to meet Asian babes, right?
Oliver Stone: Quentin, you know I care very deeply about the Asian community.
Quentin Tarantino: No, you care very deeply for your rolodex, Buddy. And if I had a dime for every Wong and Chu in it, I could start my own studio!
Oliver Stone: Well I resent your implications!
Quentin Tarantino: Well let’s talk about “Heaven and Earth”, Buddy. You take some Vietnamese little honey whose only prior acting experience was third girl from the left in a Godzilla movie, you give her the lead role in a fifty million dollar epic. Now if you can convince me you didn’t pat her Tai, I’ll convince you Oswald acted alone.
Oliver Stone: Now hold on just a minute!
Quentin Tarantino: We’re moving on, moving on! Gus. “My Own Private Idaho”. Keanu Reeves. Was the purple prose of your dialogue the only thing Keanu had problems with his tounge getting around?
Gus van Sant: [ stutters ] Uhh, Quentin, Keanu is not gay.
Quentin Tarantino: Yeah but you are, Buddy.
Gus van Sant: Yeah, but I thought we were talking about directors and actors…
Quentin Tarantino: Well you know what? I just changed the subject! Tonight’s issue is the relationship between a director and young, male husslers. What do you think about that, huh? I got one word for you, Buddy, Pasolini!
Spike Lee: Hey, what about you and Uma?
Gus van Sant: Yeah!
Quentin Tarantino: Uma Thurman?
Oliver Stone: What Uma do you think we’re talking about? Did you jam her? Did you jam her?!
Quentin Tarantino: Now, okay, gentlemen, why would I want to jam Uma Thurman? I mean back when I was working in a video store for five years! Making minimum wage! Thirty pounds overweight! Riding the bus in LA! Living with my mom! Girls like Uma were just crazy about me! Did I jam Uma…I jammed every chick on that set! And if you guys ever cast me in one of your movies, I’ll jam every chick on your set! What do you think about that?! And…uhh…on that note, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today. I’d like to thank all of my guests and be join us next week when my guests will be independent filmmakers Rick Linkletter, Kevin Smith, and Hal Harley. Our subject: A year on the film festival circuit, or, How I spent a year jamming foreign chicks! Good night and cut!
Craig: (Looking at someone off-stage) Hey is the party still at Rick’s?
Arianna: The party? Is it still at Rick’s? What did he say?
Craig: I don’t…I can’t hear…He said the party’s still at Rick’s.
(Both do their famous kick and sits down)
Together: Shane! Oh, my God Shane! Go Shane! Awww…Go Shane!!!
You can’t see why we’re so great! East Lake Spartans You can’t see why we’re so great! East Lake Spartans East Lake Spartans East Lake Spartans Can’t see! Whoooo!
Craig: Look there’s Coach Maxwell…
Arianna: What? Where is he?
Craig: Right there. Coach Maxwell!
Arianna: Coach Maxwell!
Craig: The guys are doing great!
Arianna: Kickin’ butt!
(Both stand up)
Together: Coach Maxwell! Coach Maxwell!
Craig: He can’t hear us. (Another kick and then sits back down)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy East Lake high school’s half-time entertainment!
Arianna: Oh my God…
(Craig and Arianna get up and stretch. Then dance to Everybody Dance Now. Awesome! Real Spartan cheerleader runs up and turns off their music)
Cheerleader: Listen you buttholes! You’re not a Spartan Spirit! Give back the uniforms! You didn’t make the squad! You got it? You’re not a Spartan Spirit! Oh, oh! A touchdown! (Running off-stage) Firecracker firecracker boom, boom, boom!
Arianna: (Crying) Just because we didn’t make the squad doesn’t mean we don’t have Spartan Spirit!
[ Bug-Off Spokesman walks into dark kitchen and turns on the lights – agroup of roaches quickly scatter away ]
Spokesman: Roaches. Eliminating them from your home should besafe, as well as effective. Most products on the market today use strong poisons to seize a roach’s central nervous system, paralyze him, and eventually kill them. Can’t we do better than that? Now you can, with new Bug-Off.
Roaches are attracted to Bug-Off by a chemical message that says, “Comeon in, it’s warm and safe in here.” Once inside, the roach is held fast by a powerful adhesive, while three pairs of tiny tweezers grab the roach’s legs and strech them in opposite directions until, eventually, they snap off. Meanwhile, a red-hot metal coil burns off the roach’s reproductive organs, as the roach’s own legs are used to beat him senseless. And, with the patented clear-view window, you can be sure it’s working. Finally, wads of turpentine silk cotton are stuffed into the roach’s orifices, while a tasty piece of food dangles just out of his reach.
True, none of this will actually kill the roach.. but it will give himplenty to think about. So stop coddling your roaches. They’ve had ittoo good for too long. Give them what they deserve, with Bug-Off.
Clara Turley…..Nancy Walls
…..Quentin Tarantino
…..Molly Shannon
Stan Hooper…..Norm MacDonald
Clara Turley: Hello. I’m Clara Turley. Welcome to the “BibleChallenge”, where we meet and rejoice in our knowledge of the Good Book.
Contestants: Praise the Lord!
Let’s meet our contestants. [ camera pans to Southern Baptist ] Dr. Gene Spaulding is a visiting Biblical scholar at Southern Baptist College in Atlanta. Welcome, Doctor!
Dr. Gene Spaulding: Thank you!
Clara Turley: [ camera pans to a nun ] Sister Penelope Keller works as a missionary in San Salvadore. And, of course, Stan Hooper is back. [ camera pans to punk drinking beer and smoking a cigarette ] Stan is our defending champion, he’s won 47 games in a row. Hello, Stan.
Stan Hooper: Hey, how’s it hanging!
Clara Turley: It’s hard to believe that just a few months ago, Stan was living in our halfway house doing odd jobs around the school. And now, he’s the world-famous authority on the Holy Scripture!
Sister Penelope Keller: Clara, I would like to say that it is anabsolute honor just to be sitting next to Mr. Hooper.
Dr. Gene Spaulding: I feel the same way. Stan Hooper’s an inspiration to us all!
Clara Turley: Praise the Lord! Well, let’s get started! This is a $20 question: “How many years were the Israelites in Egypt?” And the answer is: “430.” Dr. Spaulding, did you know that?
Dr. Gene Spaulding: No, ma’am, I did not.
Clara Turley: Ohh.. that’s too bad. Sister Keller?
Sister Penelope Keller: Uh, no, Clara, I did not.
Clara Turley: Ohhh.. I’m sorry. Stan?
Stan Hooper: [ mouth full of hamburger, he rings a bell in front of him ] Yeah, I knew that! [ is handed $20 ]
Clara Turley: That’s terrific, Stan! You’re off to another great start! Question 2: “Who said, ‘Oh, Earth, Earth, Earth.. hear the word of the Lord.'” And the answer is: “Jeremiah.”
[ pause ]
Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Yeah, I knew that! [ is handed$20 more ]
Clara Turley: Oh, Stan, if only there were more peoplelike you! Now, be careful, this is a trick question: “What did God sayto Abraham at the time of the sacrafice?” And the answer is: “Nothing.Because it was the angel who spoke, not the Lord.”
Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Oh, yeah, I knew that one! [ ishanded $20 more ]
Clara Turley: Good!
Sister Penelope Keller: [ suspicious, rings her bell ] Uh.. MissClara, I knew that one, too!
Clara Turley: Oh, my.. well.. let’s see.. Which of you knew itfirst?
Sister Penelope Keller: Well, I knew it as soon as you said”Abraham.”
Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah, yeah! I knew it before that. I knew it when you said.. something about a trick question?
Clara Turley: You know the rules. Stan wins again. Now, let’stake a break and read some letters. [ holds up letter ] “Dear Clara, we just adore Stan Hooper. Tell us more about him. Does he still do odd jobs?”
Stan Hooper: Uh.. no, no. I quit my job. I’m doing this showfull-time now.
Clara Turley: Here’s another one: [ holds up letter ] “Where did Stan Hooper learn so much about the Bible?”
Stan Hooper: Hey, Clara, listen.. can we get back to the game now? Time is money, you know? Praise the God!
Clara Turley: Of course. For $50: “Who is the patron saint ofFrance?” And the answer is: “St. Denis.”
Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Hey, hey, I knew that!
Dr. Gene Spaulding: [ rings his bell ] Excuse me, Clara? I don’t mean to be blasphemous.. but it occurs to me that when Brother Stan says he knows the answer.. well, he might be lying.
Clara Turley: Well.. I.. I don’t know what to say. I.. I suppose it’s possible.. It’s true the forces of darkness are everywhere. But there’s only one way to find out. Stan, are you lying?
Stan Hooper: No!
Clara Turley:I am so relieved! [ Stan is given his $50 ]
Dr. Gene Spaulding: Brother Stan, can you ever forgive me?
Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah, yeah, don’t worry about it. Hey, let’s get on with thie game! How about that Bonus Round?
Clara Turley: Alright! Our Bonus Round. For $100: “How many orders of angels are there?” And the answer is: “Nine.”
Stan Hooper: [ ring bell ] I knew that one!
Clara Turley: Ah, but can you name them, Stan? For $100each?
Stan Hooper: [ [ starts to panic ] Well, let’s see now..
Clara Turley: The answers are “Angels..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, I knew that! [ money startspiling up ]
Clara Turley: “..Archangels..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, that’s right!
Clara Turley: “..Seraphim..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Sure, Seraphim..
Clara Turley: “..Cherubims..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, the Cherubims..
Clara Turley: “..Powers..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, the Powers!
Clara Turley: “..Thrones..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah!
Clara Turley: “..Virtues..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, I knew that one!
Clara Turley: “..and Dominions.”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yes, I knew that, too! I know them all!
[ the other two contestants applaud Stan’s knowledge ]
Clara Turley: Well, Stan, you are ahead again! No surpise there. So, you get to answer our Bible Challenge of the Week. It’s worth $1,000. Now, we’ve been researching this one all day, and it’s a dilly. Do you think you can handle it?
Stan Hooper: Well, I’m a little nervous..
Clara Turley: Here we go.. [ music rises ] Oh, heavens We’re out of time. Maybe next week, Stan..
Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Hey, hey, hold on there! Excuse me, but I knew the question you were gonna ask.
Clara Turley: You do?
Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah.. and I know the answer, too. [ turns around and grabs the prize money out of the dish ]
Clara Turley: Well, Saints be praised! You are a remarkable man! Stan, will you come back next week?
Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah, sure.. I think I can make it.
Clara Turley: Let us pray. Thank you, Lord, for giving us thisopportunity to rejoice in your Word.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 11th, 1995 Quentin Tarentino Smashing Pumpkins None Paula Pell Robert Hegyes White House KitchenSummary: President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) pigs out on food in the White Huose kitchen, orders pizza, and apologizes to his supporters over the phone. Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.
Montage
Quentin Tarentino’s MonologueSummary: Quentin Tarantino sings “I’m Gonna Blow You A Kiss In The Wind” to honor live television.
Bug-OffSummary: The roach motel that lets you torture roaches for a cheap thrill! Transcript
Spartan CheerleadersSummary: High school losers Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) cheer for the Spartans even though they’re not part of the cheerleading squad. Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna. Transcript
Clara Turley’s Bible ChallengeSummary: Schemer Stan Hooper (Norm MacDonald) lies to trusting Clara Turley (Nancy Walls) in order to win money on her bible quiz show. Recurring Characters: Stan Hooper. Transcript
Directors on DirectingSummary: Quentin Taratino admits to a talk show panel that he enjoys having sex with his lead actresses. Transcript
Smashing Pumpkins performs “Bullet With Butterfly Wings”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Tall-haired Don King (Tim Meadows) won’t admit to his own wrongdoing. Fops Lucien (Mark McKinney) and Fagin (David Koechner) come out as huge Norm MacDonald fans. Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagin.
Leg UpSummary: Debbie Reynolds (Cheri Oteri) and Ann Miller (Molly Shannon) have mistaken guest Quentin Taratino for a choreographer. Recurring Characters: Debbie Reynolds, Ann Miller.
CampfireSummary: The massive fluids from crushed mosquitoes dominate a white trash campfire discussion.
Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade introduces Robert Hegyes to Quentin Tarantino with the hopes of launching a film career for John Travolta’s former sitcom.
Smashing Pumpkins performs “Zero”
All Aboard!Summary: An elderly train engineer (Quentin Taratino) enjoys beating up anyone he considers to be a hobo.
John Marshall, Jr……David Koechner John Marshall, Sr…..Mark McKinney
John Marshall, Jr.: [ walks through the workshop ] Pride. That’s the feeling you get from working with your hands. I guess that’s the reason my family’s been in the power tool business for over 50 years.. [ raises his arm to reveal a hook where his hand should be ] ..and why the name “Marshall” has come to mean the best in reliable power tools. When you see that Marshall name.. [ taps saw blade with his hook hand ] ..you know it means quality. [ revs up saw blade ]
[ over archival footage of the company’s history, including a quick shot of a young John Marshall, Sr. swinging a running table saw toward the camera ]
John Marshall, Jr. V/O: When my dad, John Marshall, Sr., started the Marshall Co. back in 1952, he said if a power saw isn’t twice as sharp as a diamond, and twice as fast as the competition, it isn’t worthy of the Marshall name. [ John Marshall, Sr. tosses a sharp circular blade across the room ]
John Marshall, Jr.: [ back in the modern-day shop ] Right, Dad?
John Marshall, Sr.: [ turns around to reveal false arms and limbs ] Right, Son. But it takes a lot more than sharpness and speed to stay on top for as long as Marshall has. That’s why we’ve made safety.. number one. [ lifts up robotized finger ]
John Marshall, Jr.: But you don’t have to take our word for it. Because you’ve got the guarantee of the entire Marshall Family.
[ entire family shown, all with various false arms, legs and other body parts ]
Marshall Family: Marshall! Proud to be Number One!
[ everyone in the family raises up a single hand, including John Marshall, Jr. holding up his hook hand ]
(Opens with the Spade in America with David Spade logo. David sits at his desk. Rocky Mountain Way plays)
Announcer: And now Spade in America with David Spade.
David Spade: Whoo, thanks. Good crowd, good crowd. Ok, well, as you know tonight was game 6 of the World Series. The battle of the tribes. And last Tuesday I went to Jacob´s Field in Cleveland for game 3. And before the game started I was allowed onto the field to film stuff, an honor that was only granted to only 3 VIP´s. Myself and Mike and Matty. So, here´s what happened while I was out there.
(cut to David wearing a baseball uniform in the empty stadium)
David Spade: People, you decide. Empty stadium or Foghat reunion concert.
(David is all alone in the stands)
David Spade: Slow ride!!
(Foghat´s “Slow Ride” plays)
Foghat: Slow ride, take it easy….
(cut to David talking to a couple of bat boys, one black, one white)
David Spade: Have you ever had to bring a bat to a player, that had a cracked bat?
Black Kid: Yeah, sometimes. When they start walking into the dugout, so I know the bat´s cracked so I just take whatever bat that I have in the bat rack and just take it up to him.
David Spade: Ok, have you ever had to bring crack to a player that was at bat?
(White kid cracks up, black kid has a nervous laugh)
Black Kid: No, no.
(cut to David around first base)
David Spade: You know what I can´t take? It’s these new guys that never been on TV before and they get a booky little single and they always have to haul ass around first base like it could possibly be a double. They´re like…(David runs through first base, watches towards the centerfield) “Uh, what´s that? (David turns back to first base) I´ll just head here at first” That´s right, Will. Did you think that was a double? Did anybody? That was such a single. That was so not a double. I wanna cry for you and then punch you in the face.
(cut to David talking with a security guy with sunglasses)
David Spade: Hi, I´m here with Mike Donelly who is the head of security here at Jacob´s Field here in Cleveland. Mike, I like to ask you a question. Have you ever had to arrest anyone for re-broadcasting a game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball because its strictly prohibited?
Security guy: Nah.
David Spade: I have. (snickers)
(cut to David on one knee next to third base)
David Spade: You know, when you´re home watching on TV, things look different that they actually are here on the field. The bases look like square white bags on TV. But in reality they´re actually two tires placed on each other. (two small tires are on the floor) So weird. Cause on TV, (cracks up) they look like bases… (still cracking up) its a funny joke, people. We didn´t even set that up. It’s real.
(cut to a shot of The Pretenders singer Chrissie Hynde)
Announcer: And now, welcome Cleveland´s own Chrissie Hynde for the singing of tonight´s National Anthem.
(cut to David later on with Chrissie)
David Spade: Someone told me that they wanted you to sing “Back on the Chain Gang” on the O.J. trial. That´s not true, is it?
Chrissie Hynde: No.
(cut to David around third base)
David Spade: Here´s my impression of Motley Crue coming around third base. ( he jogs in slow motion) ” I´m on my way…Home Sweet Home…Tonight, tonight…(makes evil sign) I love the devil….set me free…
(cut to David with baseball star Mark Wohlers)
David Spade: Is it possible to strike out somebody with one pitch? Because I´ve seen someone do it. His name? Bugs Bunny! He goes niah, niah, niah…
(cut to famous Bugs Bunny cartoon of him pitching one slow pitch and 3 guys swing at the ball missing)
David Spade: Before the game starts and people are filing in, do you sometimes look at the stands and figure out how many people it takes to just pay your salary that night?
(Chipper Jones cracks up laughing hard)
(cut to David on the field)
David Spade: Welcome back to MTV Sandblast! Where the blue team is ahead of the red team going into the slip and slide event. Let´s watch.
(cut to David back with Chipper Jones)
David Spade: I just wanted to know if sometimes when people are standing next to you on your team do they say: (sing) “Meeeee and Chipper! Chipper Joooones! Chipper Jones, Chipper Jones.”
(Chipper laughs hard)
(cut to baseball star Tom Glavine)
Tom Glavine: This is Tom Glavine. Back to you in the studio.
(cut to David at his desk)
(Applause)
David Spade: Yeah, all right. Thank you, thank you. Tom Glavine, my correspondent. By the way, congratulations Tom on winning the MVP and Atlanta winning the World Series tonight. My thanks to the Indians and the Braves for their hospitality and I will see you next week.
Warden: [ into his intercom ] Send in Officer Mohr! [ Officer Mohr enters ] Have a seat, we need to talk.
Officer Mohr: Yes, Sir. [ sits ]
Warden: As you know, after three months we assess your performance as a guard here at Riker’s Island.
Officer Mohr: Yes. I know.
Warden: I’ve decided to.. well, Son, this is never easy.. but you’re fired.
Officer Mohr: Why?
Warden: You’re, what.. 5’8″, 140 pounds? Do you realize that the average inmate here is 6″4″, 240 pounds?
Officer Mohr: Uh, yes, Sir. So?
Warden: Now, aside from the basic training you received at theCorrections Facility, what other combat or self-defense training have you had?
Officer Mohr: Uh.. my sister taught me how to fight.
Warden: That’s all? Nothing beside your sister? No karate, martial arts, boxing?
Officer Mohr: No. No.
Warden: Now, in the 90 days you’ve worked here, how many fights you been involved in?
Officer Mohr: 360, Sir.
Warden: And how many of those were with prisoners?
Officer Mohr: 270, Sir.
Warden: How many of those fights did you win or control?
Officer Mohr: None.
Warden: And in 90 or so other fights, those were with..
Officer Mohr: Other guards, visitors, and you.
Warden: So, I hope you understand why we have to let you go.
Officer Mohr: Well, I’ll work harder, Sir!
Warden: Look, Officer Mohr, let me make this clear, okay? Of the 270 fights with prisoners, you were raped how many times?
Officer Mohr: 274 times.
Warden: Right! That’s why I think it’s better if you find other work. It’s for your own safety, and you have no future in the Department of Corrections.
Officer Mohr: Well, may I say something in my defense, Sir?
Warden: Sure.
Officer Mohr: Well, I know it’s not the most glamourous career in the world.. but I love my job!
Warden: Uh-huh.. Of the 90 fights with people other than prisoners, how many of them ended in you being beaten and raped?
Officer Mohr: 89.
Warden: 89.
Officer Mohr: Well.. thanks to you.
Warden: That’s okay. [ pause ] Now, at the prison talent show, how many ended with you being beaten and raped.
Officer Mohr: Uh.. the vast majority, Sir.
Warden: The vast majority?!
Officer Mohr: All of them.
Warden: And how many chapel services ended with you being beatenand raped?
Officer Mohr: All of them.
Warden: Right! You see, we just can’t have you here, Son.. it’sdisruptive. We want our guards to put the Fear of God into these prisoners, not the Joy of Sex!
Officer Mohr: Right. I understand.
Warden: Also, I want you to understand that this is nothing personal between you and me, because, hell, I admire your courage and dedication and your ability to heal.
Officer Mohr: Thank you, Warden. May I also point out that there was not one escape during my appointment here?
Warden: Because nobody wanted to escape! Now, this isn’teasy for me, Son.. but turn in your nightstick and your identification!
Officer Mohr: [ stands up ] Well, Warden, if that’s the way you want it. But I’m telling you, I’ll be a prison guard somewhere! If not here, then at a smaller, more violent, minimum security prison – I promise! You’re not stopping me, you’re only inspiring me!
Warden: Just get out of here, you idiot! [ sees Officer Mohr removing his uniform ] What are you doing?
Officer Mohr: Well, I came into the prison naked, Sir, and by god, I’ll leave naked!
Warden: [ into his intercom ] Will you send in a couple of guards to escort this idiot from the grounds?
Officer Mohr: I won’t need you! I’ll show you howtough I am! [ exits office ]
Warden: [ looks out into the hall ] Would somebody get that idiot before he.. [ the sounds of the guard being beaten and raped by the other inmates in the hall can be heard ] Oh, boy.. [ sits down at his desk as the scene zooms out to fade ]
Alanis Morissette: [ singing ] “Do I stress you out My sweater is on backwards and inside out And you say how appropriate I don’t want to dissect everything today I don’t mean to pick you apart you see But I can’t help it There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off Slap me with a splintered ruler And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn’t there already If only I could hunt the hunter.
And all I really want is some patience A way to calm the angry voice And all I really want is deliverance Do I wear you out You must wonder why I’m so relentless and all strung out I’m consumed by the chill of solitary I’m like Estella I like to reel it in and then spit it out I’m frustrated by your apathy And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land If only I could meet the Maker.
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man I am humbled by his humble nature What I wouldn’t give to find a soulmate Someone else to catch this drift And what I wouldn’t give to meet a kindred Enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute Enough about you, let’s talk about life for a while The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses Falling all around…all around Why are you so petrified of silence Here, can you handle this?
[ waves her arm at the band; they stop their instruments for a single second ]
Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines Or when you think you’re gonna die Or did you long for the next distraction And all I need know is intellectual intercourse A soul to dig the hole much deeper And I have no concept of time other than it is flying If only I could kill the killer.
All I really want is some peace man a place to find a common ground And all I really want is a wavelength All I really want is some comfort A way to get my hands untied And all I really want is some justice.”
]]>
Air Date:
Air Force One
Summary: While President Clinton lives it up in First Class, Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) and Newt Gingrich (Darrell Hammond) must settle for the third world conditions of flying Coach.
