SNL Tonight

Courtney Cox’s Monologue

…..Courtney Cox
Bruce Springsteen…..Adam Sandler

Courtney Cox: Thank you! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I’m having a fantastic year, with my new show “Friends”. And, uh.. you know, everywhere I go, people are always asking me, “Are you guys really friends?” and, the truth is, uh.. not really. We all have slept together, but.. you know. Sometimes in just twos, and, you know, usually threes and fours, but..

Anyway, tonight’s a really special night for me. Ten years ago, someone gave me my first break by putting me in a music video! And.. that person just happens to be here tonight. Come on!

[ band breaks in with “Dancing From The Dark”, as Bruce Springsteen rises from the audience ]

Bruce Springsteen: [ singing a bit mumbly ]
“I get up in the evening
and I ain’t got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain’t nothing but tired
Man I’m just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help

You can’t start a fire
You can’t start a fire without a spark
This gun’s for hire
even if we’re just dancing in the dark..”

Courtney Cox: Anyway, that’s great! Thank you! We’ve got a great show tonight..

[ Springsteen continues to sing ]

Courtney Cox: Thank you.. There’s something happening somewhere..

[ Springsteen continues to sing ]

Courtney Cox: Bruce Springsteen, ladies and gentlemen!

[ Springsteen continues to sing ]

Courtney Cox: Okay, anyway, thank you, folks, we’ve got a great show..

[ Springsteen relentlessly continues to sing, hogging Cox’s limelight ]

Courtney Cox: We’ve got a great show tonight – Dave Matthews Band is here, and we’ll be right back! Stick around!

SNL Transcripts

Melanie Babysits

Mrs. Henderson…..Molly Shannon
Dr. Henderson…..Chris Elliot
Melanie…..Mark McKinney

[ open on the Hendersons entering their living room after a night out together ]

Mrs. Henderson: Did you notice – at the restaurant – how much weight Martha had gained?

Dr. Henderson: Yeah.. yeah.. she.. gained a lot of weight..

Mrs. Henderson: I mean, I thought I was bad, you know?

Dr. Henderson: [ feigning content ] Well, uh.. more of you to love?

Mrs. Henderson: Ohhhh, you! So.. sweet.. [ attempts to initiate intimacy ]

Dr. Henderson: [ fends her off ] Alright.. okay.. that’s fine.. okay.. yes.. fine..

[ Melanie enters from kitchen ]

Melanie: Hi, Dr. Henderson! Hi, Mrs. Henderson!

[ cue sax solo, as Dr. Henderson’s viewpoint scopes out Melanie from bottom to top ]

Melanie: So, did you have a good time?

Dr. Henderson: [ excited ] Yes! Yes, we did have a good time, a very good time!

Mrs. Henderson: Melanie, I’m gonna call you a cab right away. How were the kids, did you have a problem?

Melanie: Uh, no. Emily is so adorable! And, I gotta tell you something, Jason did the cutest thing – he didn’t want to go to bed, so he started pretending he was a puppy, and I had to chase him up and down the stairs until he got tired!

Dr. Henderson: [ interested ] Oh! Up and down those stairs, right there?

Melanie: Yeah! On all fours!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles with delight ] On all fours!

Melanie: Just like a dog!

Dr. Henderson: Ah, just like a dog?

Melanie: Yeah!

Dr. Henderson: Honey, I’m gonna go ahead and drive Melanie home, okay?

Melanie: I-I-I can take a cab..

Dr. Henderson: Oh, no, don’t be silly – it’s cold outside! I’ll drive you home, it’s no problem!

Mrs. Henderson: Oh.. well, okay, Tom. But as long as you promise to hurry home, ’cause, remember, you still owe me that “special” birthday present, eh? [ expresses excitement ]

Dr. Henderson: Ah.. okay.. no, I can’t wait for that.. Uh, Melanie, are you all done?

Melanie: Yeah! I got my homework books right here. I was doing my math – yuck!

Dr. Henderson: Oh, math! That’s funny, Melanie, you know, I hated math, too.

Melanie: Really?

Dr. Henderson: Yes, I did.

Melanie: Were you bad at it?

Dr. Henderson: I couldn’t get a hand on it, isn’t that something? I just thought you were gonna like that one..

[ they exit through the front door ]

Mrs. Henderson: [ yelling after them ] Bye-bye, Melanie! I’ll call your mom and let her know you’re on your way home! Alright, hurry home, Tom! [ laughs ]

[ dissolve to Dr. Henderson driving Melanie home, upbeat tempo music surrounding them ]

Dr. Henderson: So.. Melanie.. all in all, I wouldn’t say it’s a “happy” marriage..

Melanie: Oh, God.. poor Dr. Henderson..

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. that’s very sweet of you, Melanie. You see, uh.. my wife is.. older that I am.. she’s 45.

Melanie: Oh, my God, that’s so gross and old!

Dr. Henderson: You’re right, it is.. gross and, and old.. But, enough about me. Let me hear a little something about yourself.

Melanie: About me?

Dr. Henderson: Sure.

Melanie: Okay.. um.. um.. in school, um.. I like to run, I mean I’m on the running team, the track and field team – God, I keep forgetting that name!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles heartily ]

Melanie: Anyway.. so, I like to run, and they say I have a lot of energy.

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. you look like you’re in good shape.

Melanie: Yeah. Do you wanna see my legs?

Dr. Henderson: [ hesitant ] Well.. no, I don’t..

Melanie: No, it’s okay – I’ve got good legs!

Dr. Henderson: Well, alright, I will! [ feels Melanie’s legs, falling into trance-like state ] Oh, yes, yes! Those are runner’s legs.. those are nice.. nice, firm.. runner’s legs..

Melanie: Yeah! Well, anyway, I like track in school. I mean, I guess I like school, except they make us wear this stupid uniform!

Dr. Henderson: No, I wouldn’t call it stupid..

Melanie: Oh, yeah, it’s really stupid. I mean, it’s, like, every day we have to wear, like, the same tie, and the same blouse, and the same kilt, and the same tights. I mean, the only time we’re allowed to take it off is, like, when we’re in the shower!

[ Dr. Henderson loses control of the car, and stops on the side of the road ]

Melanie: Why are we stopping?

Dr. Henderson: You know what? I-I-I gotta rest the carburator in this car.. you know what I’m also gonna do? I’m gonna turn off the.. heat and the lights.. just to save the battery.

Melanie: But.. but won’t we get cold?

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. we would get cold, if we didn’t take advantange of our, um.. body heat.

Melanie: Oh! you mean, like in the Arctic?

Dr. Henderson: That’s right, Melanie.. just like in the Arctic.

Melanie: Yeah! We’re studying that next semester!

Dr. Henderson: Yeah, well, that’ll be a hell of a thing.. Look, uh.. if you’re, uh.. thirsty, would you like some refreshments? There’s something in the glove compartment there..

Melanie: [ opens glove compartment ] Oh, my God! Is that Zima!

Dr. Henderson: That is Zima.

Melanie: Wow! Once, I almost got to have some at my Aunt’s wedding, but my Uncle took it away!

Dr. Henderson: Ohh.. well, why don’t you have one now?

Melanie: No, I shouldn’t..

Dr. Henderson: No, go on – I dare ya!

Melanie: Ohh.. okay! I can’t resist a dare!

Dr. Henderson: Sure, you can’t. You know, the funny thing about Zima is.. it tastes like candy, but you’ve gotta drink it down really fast!

Melanie: Really fast?

Dr. Henderson: Yeah, you’ve kind of just.. boom!

Melanie: Okay! [ swigs bottle back and downs the Zima ]

Dr. Henderson: And.. she’s off and running! Okay! Alright! and.. it’s gonna be Melanie by an edge, she’s coming down the finish line! Annnnd there she is, she wins the gold – that’s Melanie!

Melanie: [ burps ] Wow! You’re right, it does taste like candy!

Dr. Henderson: Yeah.. it does, doesn’t it? [ grabs to undo Melanie’s blouse ]

Melanie: Uh.. Dr. Henderson? What are you doing?

Dr. Henderson: I’m examining you – I’m a doctor!

Melanie: Yeah, but.. aren’t you, like, a foot doctor?

Dr. Henderson: Yes, I am, but, uh.. I was, uh.. upgraded.

Melanie: Oh! Congratulations!

Dr. Henderson: Well, thank you.

Melanie: Um.. can I have another Zima?

Dr. Henderson: Oh, can you have another Zima? Okay, sure!

Melanie: Don’t ever dare me – I told ya!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles ] Melanie, I’ve got another dare for ya.

Melanie: [ curious ] Oh, really? What?

Dr. Henderson: [ whispers in Melanie’s ear ]

Melanie: Yeah?!

Dr. Henderson: [ laughs ] There’s more! Come here, come here.. [ whispers further ]

Melanie: Okay!

Dr. Henderson: Alright! Let me just ask you something – Melanie, you are 18, aren’t you?

Melanie: Uh.. [ thinking ] ..yeah.. yeah..

Dr. Henderson: Yeah. Okay, that’s what I thought. And, you know that seat reclines?

Melanie: Okay! [ drops seat into reclining position ]

Dr. Henderson: Okay, there we go! [ moves in to pounce upon Melanie ]

[ cut to footage of Dr. Henderson being locked in jail, as he clutches desperately to the prison bars ]

Dr. Henderson: I’d do it again! I swear to the Lord above – given the chance, I would do it again!! Do you HEAR me, society??! I’d do it AGAIIINNN!! And again! And again! And again!

[ cut to faraway shot of prison exterior ]

Voice of Dr. Henderson: And again! And again!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Matt Foley, Bilingual Motivational Speaker

Raoul de la Garza y Baca…..Michael McKean
Spanish Boy…..Jay Mohr
Spanish Girl…..Morwenna Banks
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley

[ open on exterior, ranch house in Mexico ]

[ SUPER: “Villa of wealthy landowner, Raoul de la Garza y Baca, Venezuela” ]

[ dissolve to interior, living room ]

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Children! I am at the end of my patience with you!

Spanish Girl: Oh, be quiet, old man, no one cares what you think any more.

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Silence! I am your father, and I demand your respect! Since I am unable to get through to you, I have decided to take strong measures! I have sent for the United States, to enlist the services of what is known as a Motivational Speaker! Perhaps he can succeed where I have failed. He’s been in the basement all morning chewing on cocoa leaves! Please give your undivided attention to Senor Matt Foley!

[ Matt Foley runs out from the basement into living room, grabbing at his pants to keep them from falling ]

Matt Foley: Hola ninos! Me llamo Matt Foley! Y yo soy un motivational speaker! Yo tengo treceta y cinco años, yo [messes up: yoy] soy tres divorciano, y yo vivo en “VAN” CERCA DE UN RIO.

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Senor Foley, if you will excuse me – both my children and myself speak excellent English.

Matt Foley: Padre, dame un favor, y callate su grande YAPPER![Turns to children] Muchachos, yo comprendo que ustedes beben Tequila, (Whoo! [making hand motions]) fumen marijuana, y bailan el flamenco! [Dances]. Pronto, ustedes flamenco en un “VAN” CERCA DE UN RIO!

Spanish Boy: Senor Foley, where’d you study Spanish, Taco Bell? [ laughs ]

Matt Foley: Muy comico! Dios freakin’ mio! Es un regular PaulRodriguez? [Turns to Raul] Mis ojos not too good, es Paul Rodriguez? Huh? Es Paul Rodriguez? Huh?

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Senor Foley, with respect, I think you are simply confusing my children.

Matt Foley: [Softly] Dad, kindly shut your damn FLAN HOLE!!! [Turns to children] Now, kids, in my next part of my talk, I’m gonna be laying some heavy concepts on ya. So from here on out, I’m gonna dispense with the Español and continue with the English. ‘Cause my Spanish a’int so good since I gave up DRUGS! [Laughs]

Spanish Girl: Good idea.

Matt Foley: Alrighty, now, you get bull fights down here, am I right, young fellow?

Spanish Boy: Si.

Matt Foley: Then, get up here! Let’s do a little role-playing! [Boy stands up, Matt Foley takes off jacket] Now, I’m the bull, see? And I represent the troubles and temptations facing a yound fella like yourself! And you’re the matador, armed with only a positive mental attitude, and the goings-on gets going on. [Steps back] Here I come, a snortin’ and a fussin’! Here I come, here I come![Snorts like a bull, charges at Spanish Boy, crashing into plants and vases] Alright,youngster, you want to play hardball? Let’s go at it!! [charges at Spanish Boy, but crashes into more plants ] Here I come! [ crashes into the coffee table ] I wanna show you what Americana is all about!! [charges, but crashes through the wall]. Whoopsie daisy! Well, “vivo de Nueva York, ES SABADO NOCHE!”

SNL Transcripts

Gapardy

Debbie Luciano…..Courtney Cox
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Kristy…..David Spade
Cindy…..Chris Farley

Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Gapardy”. With your host, the former Gap Girl, and now manager of Urban Outfitters in Shreveport, Louisiana, Debbie Luciano!

Debbie Luciano: Hi, and welcome to “Gapardy” – the show that’s a lot like “Jeopardy”, except all our contestants work at.. The Gap. Now, before we start, let’s meet our players.

Lucy: My name’s Lucy Brawn, I work at the Gap store 214. I’m from Sunnyvale, California, my favorite band is Green Day! Yeah!!

Debbie Luciano: Okay, that sounds good. By the way – nice facial hair, you look like Tom Selleck.

Lucy: [ offended laughter ] Yeah, well.. you.. look like his friend who.. used to be in the helicopter..

Debbie Luciano: That’s a good comeback. Why don’t you have another Slim Jim? Alright, so who do we have here?

Kristy: My name is Kristy Anderson, and I’m from Tempe, Arizona, and I work at Gap store 214 with Lucy, and my favorite band is Pearl Jam! Rock on!

Debbie Luciano: Yeah! What do you guys sell over there at store 214, acid-washed jeans and stuff?

Kristy: Uh.. easy, cheesie. I think you’re confusing us with Merry-Go-Round. [ laughs ] By the way, Debbie, nice fake blue contacts.

Debbie Luciano: Oh, I hate to break it to ya, but they’re real!

Kristy: Fake.

Debbie Luciano: Real!

Kristy: Fake!

Debbie Luciano: Real!

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Blue!

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Try Sapphire, alright? Alright, our third contestant-

Kristy: Hazel!

Debbie Luciano: Sapphire!! Alright, keep it down, Slim-Jim. Alright, now it says here that your name is “Cindy Crawford”?

Cindy: Uh.. yeah.. well, not the Cindy Crawford.

Kristy: Oh, really? Are you sure?

Cindy: Shut up, Kristy!

Debbie Luciano: Alright, now, Cindy, you also work at the Gap?

Kristy: She used to, but she defected.

Cindy: Uhhh.. it is true – I omce worked at the.. Ca-rap! But, uh.. I now work at Jitters – it’s a coffee shop – and they call it Jitters, ’cause that’s what you do after you drink there! [ laughs at herself ]

Kristy: Really? Do you also have dinner at a place called Get Sweaty? ‘Cause that’s what you do after you eat! [ laughs back ]

Cindy: You are!

Kristy: [ confused ] What?

Lucy: [ weeping ] You guys, could you stop fighting, it’s scaring me..!

Debbie Luciano: Hey, can we shut up for a minute, alright?! This isn’t “Family Feud”! alright, let’s hear our categories – they are: “Whatever”, “Would You?”, “Famous Skanks”, “Cinch It”, “History of Scrunchies”, “I’m Just Telling You What I Heard”, and “Native Americans”. Alright, now, remember, you’re playing for an all-expense paid weekend in Monte Blanc for Spring Break. Alright, you’re ready, Lucy? you start.

Lucy: I’ll take “I’m Just Telling You What I Heard” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: “Is Rwanda a country, a talk show, or a nightclub in L.A.?”

Lucy: A nightclub. I know that, because my friend got hit by a can there and lost her shoe.

Debbie Luciano: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect – it’s a country.

Lucy: I’m just telling you what I heard!

Debbie Luciano: Alright, Kristy, your turn.

Kristy: Hmm.. I guess I’ll take “Whatever” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “Your last boyfriend, Dan, said you were ‘A carpenter’s dream – flat as a board and easy to nail.'”

Kristy: What..ever!

Debbie Luciano: Ooh, I’m sorry, that’s very close. It’s “Whatever!“

Kristy: [ mocking ] Whatever!

Debbie Luciano: Exactly. Okay, Miss Crawford, your turn. No scores yet.

Cindy: Hmm.. I’ll take..

Lucy: A big piece of cake – for free! [ laughs ]

Cindy: As I was saying.. I’ll take.. um.. “Native Americans” for $400. That’s right! That’s what I said!

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “In 1838, the Cherokee tribe set up its capitol in this Oklahoma village.”

Cindy: Oh, uh.. uh.. Germany. No, wait – Rwanda..

Debbie Luciano: Nope. Anyone else? Lucy?

Lucy: Please.

Debbie Luciano: Kristy?

Kristy: [ chuckles ] Not quite, Termite.

Debbie Luciano: Alright, the answer is Tahlequah. Yes – Tahlequah. Well, then, Lucy, it’s back to you – come on, you pick a category.

Lucy: It’s about time. “Famous Skanks” for $100.

Debbie Luciano: Okay. “Pamela Anderson is best known for-

[ buzzer ]

Debbie Luciano: Okay, we’re out of time, and the score is.. zero, zero, zero. Oh, that’s a first. Alright, how can we settle this, judges? Okay, we’ll do Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Kristy: Rock! Paper!

Lucy: Scissors!

Kristy: A-ha!

Lucy: Good, I win – scissors beats rock!

Kristy: No, it doesn’t, dummy!

Lucy: Oh, yeah..

Together: Rock! Paper! Scissors!

Cindy: [laughs ] Rock crushes paper!

Kristy: No, it doesn’t, dummy!

Cindy: It.. uh.. oh.. yeah..

Kristy: Yayyyy!!!

Debbie Luciano: Okay, Kristy, I guess you win! so let’s go to the Bonus Round, and pick one category!

Kristy: Okay! I will take.. “Would You?”

Debbie Luciano: Okay. Get ready, you’ve got forty seconds to answer as many questions as possible, and here we go! “Would You.. Matt Dillon?”

Kristy: Of course!

Debbie Luciano: “Would You.. Tom Arnold?”

Kristy: Ick, no way.

Debbie Luciano: “Snoop Doggy Dogg”.

Kristy: [ hesitant ] Yes.

Debbie Luciano: “Scott Baio”.

Kristy: [ quickly ] I did.

Lucy & Cindy: Oh, my God! Yuck!

Kristy: What! He was really nice.. I-I-I met him that summer, when he was signing posters, at the mall! Uh, he took me to dinner, he bought me a big bottle of Chateau Brion – it was, like, $100!

Cindy: More like 100 doll-hairs!

Kristy: What?

Cindy: Grow up!

Kristy: You are!

Cindy: Scuzzy!

Kristy: Me? No, uh.. slut!

Cindy: Idiot!

Kristy: Period-face!

Cindy: Gross!

Debbie Luciano: Hey, you got a nice mouth – that was quite a jump from Idiot to Period-face.

Kristy: Yeah, well.. sorry, I was mad.

Lucy: [ weeping ] You guys.. could you stop fighting.. My parents used to fight.. and then my stepfather tried to make out with me..!

[ horn sounds ]

Debbie Luciano: Alright, that’s about all the time we have for our show. Thank you very much, and join us next week for “Gapardy”!

SNL Transcripts

Good Morning, Brooklyn!

Angela Toochie…..Courtney Cox
James Barone…..Jay Mohr
Anthony…..Michael McKean
Angelo…..Adam Sandler
Molly Fahey…..Molly Shannon
Hot Dog Vendor…..Chris Farley

James Barone: Hi, hello, and welcome to “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” I’m your host, James Barone. How ARE ya, Brooklyn?! Huh?!

Angela Toochie: Good morning, Brooklyn! I’m Angela Toochie!

James Barone: Oh, yeah, I forgot – that’s my co-host, Angeler!

Angela Toochie: Yeah, don’t me any favors, alright? I can introduce myself!

James Barone: See, Angeler’s a little ticked off, because I didn’t mention nothin’ about her gettin’ engaged. Yawn!

Angela Toochie: Aw, don’t be an ass, James, alright! Let’s get started!

James Barone: Shut up! First off, this morning, our friend Ant’ny’s gonna come out and tell us what the weather report is!

Angela Toochie: Come on out, Ant’ny!

[ Anthony appears at the weather map ]

Anthony: Hey! How ya doin’, James? Hey! Congratulations, Angela, he’s a lucky bastard! Let’s have a look at that ring again, huh!

Angela Toochie: Yeah! Could we get a close-up of that!

James Barone: Oh, shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

James Barone: No, you shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

James Barone: No, you–

[ cut to few seconds of “Please Stand By” graphic ]

James Barone: Okay.. okay, we’re back now. Now, we’re back. Alright, Ant’ny, now you were about to tell us what the weather report was like.

Anthony: What, outside? Oh.. it ain’t good, James, it’s hot as a bastard!

James Barone: A’ight. A’ight, Ant’ny, how ’bout tomorrow?

Anthony: Uh, tomorrow’s also gonna be hotter than a bastard!

Angela Toochie: All over the country?

Anthony: No, no.. See, Angela – see, every part of the country’s got what they call their own weather system. Like, up in Canada, it’s cold as a bastard! Out in Seattle, it rains like bastard! Down in Texas, it’s muggy as a bastard! I gotta go.

Angela Toochie: Ant’ny, where you going?

Anthony: I’m done!

Angela Toochie: Alright, fine! Then let’s bringout our old friend Angelo, with a new segment we got, called “Beatin’ of the Week”.

James Barone: A’ight, here’s how it goes, Brooklyn. Angelo tells us who needs a beatin’ this week, you give him that beatin’, you win a awesome prize, alright! Angelo! Come on out, bro!

[ Angelo storms into the set, still yelling at someone outside the studio ]

Angelo: No, no, no – you suck my ass! [ sits next to James ] Morning there, James. Congratulations, Angela, lemme see that ring thing. [ Angela holds out her hand ] Oh, my God! Anthony told me that thing was bigger than a bastard!

James Barone: Alright, enough with the ring, now, come on – Angelo, who’s gettin’ a beatin’ this week, and why?

Angelo: I don’t know his name, but he works at a concession stand outside the aquarium. I think we got a picture of him.

[ picture shows an obese hot dog vendor, posed like he’s staring into oncoming headlights ]

James Barone: Oh, God!

Angela Toochie: Look at that mutt!

James Barone: Oh, now that guy needs a beatin’!

Angela Toochie: Now, what did this fat bastard do to serve his beatin?!

Angelo: I pull up to the aquarium, I’m in my brand-new Z-28 IROC, and this tub of lard goes up to me, “You know what IROC stands for?” I says, “No.” He says, “Italian Retard Out Cruisin'”.

Angela Toochie: He said that?!

Angelo: He said it to me!!

James Barone: Oh, my God, that guy deserves a beatin’!

Angela Toochie: Alright, Brooklyn, you keep your eye out for that hump! He’s your beatin’ of the week!

James Barone: Alright, that’s right! First person to put this stugatz in the hospital wins free sausage and peppers, courtesy of.. Pollianella & Sons Little Red House of Sausage & Peppers. And we got a special thanks goin’ out to St. Rita’s Hospital on Livonia Ave. for donatin’ the room and the IV for this week’s Beatin’ of the Week!

Angela Toochie: Alright, thanks, Angelo!

James Barone: Alright, now it’s time to go down to the street for today’s Trivia Question, with our rovin’ reporter Molly Fahey.

Angela Toochie: Talk to us, Molly!

Molly Fahey: Hi, guys!

James Barone: Hey, Molly, let me ask you something – I’ve been thinkin’, right? Fehey – that ain’t an Italian name, is it?

Molly Fahey: Mmm.. no, but it’s Catholic.

James Barone: A’ight, good enough. A’ight, Molly, do your stuff!

Molly Fahey: A’ight. [ approaches Hot Dog Vendor ] Uh.. excuse me, sir..

Hot Dog Vendor: Hi, how are ya?

Molly Fahey: Good. I’m Molly Fahey, from “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” and today’s Trivia Question-

James Barone: [ excited ] Oh, my God! Molly!

Angela Toochie: That’s the fat bastard!!

James Barone: Molly!! Oh, my god!!

Angela Toochie: That’s him!!

James Barone: Molly! Can you hear me?! That guy’s the Beatin’ of the Week!

Molly Fahey: [ excited ] No kidding! What’s the prize?!

Angela Toochie: Sausage and peppers at Pollianella’s!

Hot Dog Vendor: Good morning, Brooklyn! [ laughs ] How are ya! Hey, ya got some kinda question to ask me, or what?

Molly Fahey: Uh.. yeah, I do! [ gives Hot Dog Vendor the Beatin’ of the Week ] Bring on the sausage and peppers, James – I think I killed the fat bastard!

James Barone: You did beootyful, Molly – beootyful!

Angela Toochie: Yeah, congratulations! And, don’t worry, we’ll have that trivia question for ya’s tomorrow!

Molly Fahey: Alright, thanks, youse guys!

Angela and James: No! Fuggetaboutit!

Angela Toochie: Alright, that’s all the time we got!

James Barone: Join us tomorrow on “Good Morning, Brooklyn!” Mr. Meatball is stopping by, he’s gonna show us how to make Turkey Meatballs! And, by the way, Angela – okay, you win. I must say congratulations on your happiness.

Angela Toochie: Ah, shut up!

James Barone: You shut up!

Angela Toochie: No, you shut up!

[ cue up title card, fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 15th, 1995

Courtney Cox

Dave Matthews Band

Bela Fleck

Dave Matthews Band, “What Would You Say”

Matt Foley, Bilingual Motivational Speaker

Senor Matt Foley (Chris Farley) tries to motivateSpanish teens.

Recurring Characters: Matt Foley.

Courtney Cox’s Monologue

Bruce Springsteen (Adam Sandler) hogs Cox’s spotlight.

Good Morning Brooklyn

Hot Dog Vendor (Chris Farley) receives the Beatin’ of the Week.

Recurring Characters: James Barone.

Gapardy

Gap Girls (Adam Sandler, David Spade, Chris Farley) compete knowledge.

Recurring Characters: Kristy, Lucy, Cindy.

Dave Matthews Band performs “What Would You Say”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

English teacher Louise Ingstrom (Molly Shannon) punctuates text.

Melanie Babysits

Dr. Henderson (Chris Elliot) is intoxicated by teen babysitter Melanie (Mark McKinney).

Recurring Characters: Melanie.

Hiring Charles Manson

Innocent office remark leads to job offer for Charles Manson (Adam Sandler).

Truth vs. Jokes

At party, employee (Kevin Nealon) can’t tell when co-worker (Tim Meadows) is joking.

Replacement Baseball

Careers of replacement players discussed in vivid detail.

His Muse Friday

Screwball comedy leads (Michael McKean, Cox) bounce off poetic one-liners.

Dave Matthews Band performs “Ants Marching”

Obnoxious Co-Worker

One-night stand makes co-worker (David Spade) obnoxious.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Jeff Foxworthy…..David Spade
…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you! Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is.. the.. news.

This week, in South Africa, Winnie Mandela was removed from the neo-government by her husband, President Nelson Mandela. A curious Bill Clinton later called Mr. Mandela, to find out how exactly you go about doing something like that.

In medical news this week, scientists report there may soon be a vaccine for drug addicts. Which completely eliminates the craving for cocaine. They caution, however, that the vaccine is extremely dangerous, highly addictive, and costs $10,000 a gram.

This is the only known photograph of terrorist Tahia Ayosh, Palestine’s top bomb maker. To reassure you that there’s little cause for alarm, however.. you should know that this picture was taken by Palestine’s top photographer.

This week in the O.J. Simpson trial, the infamous bloody glove was finally introduced into evidence. And O.J. didn’t help his case any by blurting out, “There it is! I’ve been looking all over for that thing!”

Norm MacDonald: The #2 movie this week, “Outbreak”, continues to make news. It’s the story of a virus that gets out of control, causing death and widespread panic. It’s based on the true story of the Ebola Virus. Because most viewers don’t exactly understand what the Ebola Virus is, we’ve asked comedian Jeff Foxworthy, author of “You May Be A Redneck”, to help explain it. Jeff?

Jeff Foxworthy: Thank yew, Norm! Thank yew! Okay! If yer a small bacterial virus that travels through the air or blood, and kills 9 out of 10 people infected within 24 hours of contact – then yew may be.. the Ebola Virus.

If, on yer W2 tax form, yew list as yer primary residence, the bloodstream of an African Zuzu monkey – by that fact alone, yew could be IDed as the Ebola Virus.

If the only time people can relax around yew, is when they’re wearing a Biosafety Level 4 Hazardous Ebola Virus-proof spacesuit – then yew’ve nominated yerself as a potential candidate to be elected the Ebola Virus.

If yer a Playboy centerfold and list as yer turn-ons: making people vomit uncontrollably and bleed out of their eyes and anus – then all arrows point to yew.. being the E.

If yew walk into a room, and everyone sez, “Oh, no! It’s the Ebola Virus!” Then, perchance, there’s a blah blah!

If yer driver’s license photo looks like this.. [ holds up cartoon drawing of the Ebola Virus ] ..there’s a bleep-blop E Virus.

If yew find yerself feelin’ jealous because the AIDS Virus gets more press than yew – then, maybe the Ebola Virus.

If people see yew and run!

Norm MacDonald: [ interrupting ] Okay! I think we get the point there, Jeff, thanks! Thanks for clearing that up. Jeff Foxworthy, ladies and gentlemen!

Jeff Foxworthy: [ screaming to be heard ] I’m not through! If yew constantly.. [ babbles incoherently ]

Norm MacDonaldWe-ell..

On a talk show recently, Joey Buttafuaco said of Amy Fisher: “I hope she gets hers, and dies in prison like Jeffrey Dahmer. And when she does, I will go out and eat cake!” Moments later, however, he admiited: “Look, I’ll be honest with you.. even if nothing bad happens to Amy Fisher, I’ll..probably go out and.. eat cake..”

Last week, Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson visited the Big Apple and showed off her 14-pound weight loss. Hopefully, this will not interfere with her official duties of sitting on her fat ass all day long

Julia Roberts told reporters this week that her marriage to Lyle Lovett has been over for some time. The key moment, she said, came when she realized that she was Julia Roberts, and that she was married to Lyle Lovett.

Well, the magazine P.O.V. came out this week, with a list of the best and worst jobs to have in the next century. The three best were, in this order: Multimedia Software Designer, Management Consultant, and Interactive Advertising Executive; while their worst, for the third year in a row: Crack Whore.

Norm MacDonald: Alright. The boxing world is still buzzing after the release of Mike Tyson from an Indiana prison, after serving a three-year term. Here with a message for Mike, is Weekend Update correspondent – and my hero – Adam Sandler!

Adam Sandler: Thank you! Thanks! Alright! Uh.. Mr. Tyson, three years is a long time to be away from everything, so, being one of your biggest fans, I figured I’d help you out and fill you in on what’s been going on in the world the past three years.

Let’s start at 1993, November 5th: Some guy from the bank called me about about paying back my studeny loan. I told him I don’t have the money yet, and he starts saying how he’s gonna repossess my car and cancel all my credit cards. Then he says, “Are you a boxing fan?” And I say, “Ye-eah.. what does that have to do with anything?” And he says, “Because, I have some things to say about that guy Mike Tyson. Tyson’s the worst boxer I’ve ever seen. Mohammed Ali could kick his ass! Ali’s daughter could kick his ass! And, if Tyson ever got out of prison, I would kick his ass!” Now.. the car and the credit card thing, I understand; he’s doing his job. But.. the stuff about you, that was just uncalled for! Anyway, if you wanna go ask him about it, he works at.. [ SUPER appears on screen ] ..First National Bank.. 325 2nd Ave., between 55th and 56th. His name is Sidney Crenshaw; do what you gotta do!

February 5th, 1994: My girlfriend breaks up with me, and starts going out with a guy named Peter Evans. I ran into Peter at a coffee shop, and I said, “I hope you and my girlfriend are happy.” Then he said, “Mike Tyson sucks!” I was, like, “What does that have to do with anything?!” [ laughing ] Then.. he starts doing an impression of you; he was, like: [ imitating Peter Evans’ impression of Mike Tyson ] “I’m Mike Tyson! I talk like a five-year-old girl! I could never beat up Peter Evans, ’cause I’m a little pansy!” Then he said some other stuff, about you saving up for a sex-change operation, or something; I don’t remember all the details, but Peter Evans might. [ SUPER appears on screen ] He lives at 1197 Horatio St., Apt 4-P, as in “Punch in the face”

June 16th, 1994: A homeless man on the street asks me for some change. I give him $150. That has nothing to do with you, Mike, but I just thought America should know Adam Sandler is a DAMN good guy!

March 6th, 1995: A bug fat guy sitting behind me at the movies won’t stop yapping-

Norm MacDonald: [ interrupting ] Hey, hey, hey, Adam! We really don’t have time for all this.. sorry.. we gotta get moving on!

Adam Sandler: Oh, alright.. sorry, Norm.. you are right. Hey, uh, by the way, uh.. Mr. Tyson! This is Norm MacDonald. He’s our new Update guy, you’ll love him; he’s been telling the funniest jokes about you giving it up in prison!

Norm MacDonald: [ nervous ] Mr. Tyson, I’m, uh.. I’m not Norm MacDonald.. I don’t even know who Norm MacDonald is.. I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 17

94q: Damon Wayans / Dionne Farris

Christopher Walken for Skittles

Christopher Walken…..Jay Mohr
Announcer…..Michael McKean

[ TITLE CARD: CHRISTOPHER WALKEN FOR SKITTLES ]

Announcer: Christopher Walken for Skittles.

[ In a gray double-breasted suit on black tee stands Christopher Walken. ]

Christopher Walken: I’d like to talk to you for a moment… about… Skittles!

[ Walken holds up a bag of Skittles. ]

Christopher Walken: Skittles come in so many great flavors! Lemon…orange… Skittles are inexpensive… they’re good for you! Cherry… somany terrific flavors… all here… in Skittles… for you’reenjoyment… lime… but you can’t have them… unless you buy… look…

[ Walken pauses for several beats out of anxiety. ]

Christopher Walken: Skittles… have many great flavors and colors… doit! No one will know… No one… grape…

[ Walken pulls out a bag of Tropical Skittles from his suit jacket. ]

Christopher Walken: Try new tropical, fruit-flavored…Skittles…watermelon… pineapple…

[ Walken pauses for several beats and looks off-camera. ]

Christopher Walken: I’m done!

[ SKITTLES TITLE CARD ]

Announcer: This has been Christopher Walken for Skittles.

Christopher Walken (V/O): Passion fruit…

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Court TV

Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Robert Shapiro…..Michael McKean
James Williams…..Adam Sandler
Anton Jackson…..Damon Wayans
Judge Lance Ito…..Mark McKinney
Marcia Clark…..Laura Kightlinger
Bailiff…..Jay Mohr
Johnny Cochran…..Tim Meadows

Terry Moran: Hello, I’m Terry Moran. Welcome to Court TV’s continuing coverage of the OJ Simpson trial. Today the defense cross-examines skycap James Williams, who claims to have seen Simpson’s missing mystery bag on top of a trash can at the Los Angeles airport. Let’s take a look.

Robert Shapiro: Now Mr. Williams, you never actually saw Mr. Simpson place his bag on top of this garbage can.

James Williams: No.

Robert Shapiro: Then you don’t really know it was Mr. Simpson’s bag you saw on this can! [bangs emphatically on the trash can, causing a person to burst out of the lid]

Anton Jackson: Who is it? Who’s knocking on my door? Hey, this ain’t the airport! What’s happening, Jimmy? How you doing, baby?

Judge Lance Ito: Do you know this man? [waves away the smell]

James Williams: His name’s Anton Jackson. He lives in that airport trash can.

Marcia Clark: The prosecution would like to call Mr. Jackson to the witness stand.

Robert Shapiro: Objection!

Marcia Clark: Your Honor, he may be able to tell us what happened to Mr. Simpson’s bag, and its contents.

Judge Lance Ito: I’ll right, I’m going to allow Mr. Jackson to [coughs] testify. Bailiff?

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Anton Jackson: I don’t! Hah!

Marcia Clark: Could you state your name for the court, please?

Anton Jackson: My name is Anton Frederique Jackson. [slobbers all over her hand]

Marcia Clark: Ugh!

Anton Jackson: It’s French, as you could see.

Marcia Clark: And what do you do for a living, Mr. Jackson?

Anton Jackson: Well, I’m an ex – entertainer, excuse me, extraordinaire.

Marcia Clark: And what is your place of residence?

Anton Jackson: Well, I have several. I got a box uptown, I got a box downtown, but for tax purposes I reside at the LA Airport.

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson, did you see the defendant in the airport on June 12th?

Anton Jackson: The who?

Marcia Clark: That man over there, Mr. OJ Simpson.

Anton Jackson: Hey, OJ Simpson! Man, I ain’t recognize you without the ski mask! Hah!

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson –

Anton Jackson: No, I’m just kidding. See, we got something in common, man. I used to date Denise Brown, but I let her go, ’cause she drank more than I did! Hah!

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson, Please. Are you wearing the clothes the defendant dumped in your garbage can?

Anton Jackson: You know something, you’re a very sexy young lady. You got any black in you?

Marcia Clark: No.

Anton Jackson: Do you want some? Hah!

[The court goes nuts, causing Judge Ito to bang on the desk with his gavel.]

Anton Jackson: Erection, your honor, erection!

Judge Lance Ito: [trying to wave him away] No, no. First of all, Mr. Jackson, you mean objection.

Anton Jackson: No, I was looking at her ass! It’s an erection, all right!

Judge Lance Ito: Please, sit down, sit down.

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson, what are those stains on your clothing?

Anton Jackson: Oh, these? Well, last night I went to see a 25 cent movie . . .

[Everyone starts groaning, disgusted.]

Anton Jackson: No, it was a good one!

Marcia Clark: The bloodstains, Mr. Jackson.

Anton Jackson: Oh, the bloodstains. You ever get one of those boogers that be way up back here, and you’re trying to reach it, and it make your nose bleed? See, I got one right now. I’d like to submit Exhibit B, Your Honor.

[Anton wipes his finger all over the desk. Judge Ito smacks the spot with his gavel.]

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson? Never mind. Never mind, Mr. Jackson. Please, just tell the court what’s inside your jacket.

Anton Jackson: Oh, well this is sort of an invention of mine. [He takes out a jar of yellow liquid.] It’s my Portable Portopotty.

Judge Lance Ito: Mr. Jackson, put that away. Put that away. Miss Clark?

Marcia Clark: No further questions, your honor.

Judge Lance Ito: Your witness, Mr. Cochran.

Johnny Cochran: Mr. Jackson, sir.

Anton Jackson: What’s up, smooth brother Johnny Coch?

Johnny Cochran: Anton, I’ll be straightforward. Are you an alcoholic?

Anton Jackson: Am I an alcoholic? Well, I’ll be straightforward. [Takes out a bottle.] Every now and again I like to have a little sip. Like now [drinks some wine], and again [drinks]. Hah!

Robert Shapiro: Your Honor, this witness is useless. I move he be dismissed and his testimony be stricken from the record.

Judge Lance Ito: Agreed. Mr. Jackson, please, step down. Step down.

Anton Jackson: Not until America sees my act! What I’m going to do right now is juggle not one, not two, but three latrines!

Everybody: No! No! No!

Anton Jackson: No, you’re going to like this! I very rarely miss! Okay, I present the amazing Anton!

[As he clumsily juggles the glasses, one drops and smashes.]

Anton Jackson: My bad, my bad. Hey look, let me try that again. Give me five minutes, I’ll fill this up and I’ll be back . . .

Terry Moran: It was an eventful day in the Simpson case. Court was dismissed until 10:00 tomorrow, when the prosecution’s star DNA witness will take the stand, beloved children’s entertainer Homey the Clown. See you then.

Thanks to Leadcrow90 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Damon Wayans’ Monologue

…..Damon Wayans

Damon Wayans: Yeah! What’s up! Yeah! It’s good to be here. It’s nice to come out, you know, and have a chance to host a show – that’s great, you know? ‘Cause, usually, brothers don’t get a chance to host nothin’! Not even, like, the news, right?

Any time you see a brother on the news, it’s usually a reporter, and he’s got, like, the worst assignment, right? It’s always like when they had the riots out in L.A., you had the brother, like, “This is Leon Jackson, man! I’m standing on Normandy and Flor-” [ imitates gunfire ] Man, they shootin’ out here, man! It’s pretty bad out here!” [ swats off attackers ] “Get off me, man! They goin’ crazy, man! Get! Come back with the camera!” Right? And then, the white dude is always in the tudio tryin’ to look concerned. Right? He’s like, “Wow, that really looks bad out there, Leon! We’ll be cutting back to you, you keep us abreast of this story. [ turns to co-anchor ] Really looks bad, huh, Jane?”

They have the floods, right? The mudslides.. brother’s like.. [ sliding legs across the floor ] ..”This is Leon Jackson! I’m standing in twelve feet of mud! It’s pretty bad out here, man!” [ switches to studio anchorman ] “Leon. Do you think you can get the camera under the mud, maybe talk to some people there? See how they feel, right? This just in: tornadoes are sweeping the southland! Here with a special live report is our own Leon Jackson!” [ doing Leon’s voice, while laying across table like he’s being blown in the air ] “This is Leon Jackson! I’m standing in 30 miles-per-hour wind, man! It’s pretty bad out here!” [ switches to studio anchorman ] Leon. Do you thihk you can get into the eye of the tornado?” [ laughs ]

See, brothers just take it with stride, man? You know, because we used to that, you know? We used to getting the bad job, you know? It’s alright. It’s like.. I guarantee you the original crash test dummy was a brother! It’s like, “Alright, Bubba, listen what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna strap you in this apparatus, and then just keep driving you against the wall, and you tell us how you feel afterwards.” “Alright. Cool! Anything’s better than serving time!” “Alright, Chuck – take it up to 25! [ imitates car crashing against wall ] Bubba, how you feel?!” “No, man.. my neck hurt! Man, what’s that all about?!” “Alright, 25 gives you whiplash! Alright, Chuck, take it up to 50!” [ imitates car crashing harder against wall ] Bam! “Bubba! How you feel?” “Yo, man.. I feel like busting your ass, man! I can’t feel nothin’ in my left leg, man! What’s up with this?!” “Don’t worry, there’s a nice, healthy check for you at the end! Alright, Chuck, take it up to 100!” [ imitates car crashing even harder against wall ] Bam! “Bubba! [ no answer ] Bubba? [ no answer ] Damn you, Bubba, speak to me! [ a beat ] Alright.. 100 kills ya’! Alright, Chuck – get Bubba out of here and bring in the next one, we’ll test the air bag!”

See, y’all know it’s true. Because, see, white people – y’all just got too much information. You know? They got – y’all know exactly how much electricity it take to kill you! How y’all know that? Some brother! It’s like, “Alright, Cleavus, this is what we’re gonna do. We want you to grab a hold of this fence, and then piss on that third rail! YHou let us know how you feel afterward!” [ laughs ] I gurantee you there’s still some brothers lost in space.. from, like, the pre-Apollo. You know, it’s like.. “You think NASA’s ever gonna come get us?!” “I’s hope so! We runnin’ out the Tang!” “This is Rufus to NASA.. Rufus to NASA!” “Will these niggars leave us alon? Change the name to NASA!” [ laughs ]

Listen, we have a great show tonight – we have Miss Dionne Farris with us, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts