SNL Tonight

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Good evening, and welcome to “Saturday NightLive”! First of all, I want to wish you all a happy holiday – and I say happy holiday, because I mean it whether you celebrate Christmas, or Chanukah, or even some other weird astrology cult that you believe in but everyone else knows is hogwash.

I love being back here on the show, with a cast I love so much.. the regulars.. Kevin, Dana, Phil.. uh.. Victoria.. and the newer cast members.. Ramone.. Tina.. Frosty.. and Spunky. You know, a lot of hosts wouldn’t bother learning the cast’s names, but I think being a celebrity carries with it some responsibility. For example, when people come up to me in restaurants and say, “I can see that you’re eating, but I was wondering if I could have your autograph for my eight-year-old on her birthday.” I always grab the genitalia and pull down with a quick snap and release.. never with a slow, tight grip like some celebrities do.

You know, I’ve been doing a lot of interviews lately, because I’ve got a new movie coming out, and I think that one of the most commonly asked questions I get is, “Steve, do you have a lot of creative input into the movies you do?” Well, actually.. yes. For example, I have a movie coming out next Friday called “Father of the Bride”. When the Disney studios called me up to aks me if I would be interested in doing “Father of the Bride”, I said, “Well.. which role?” And they said, “Well, the bride.” And I said, “What if we went the other way? What if I played the father?” And they said, “Hmm.. interesting.” And then as I’m talking to them, I realized, if I play the father, I don’t get to wear the white dress. So I say, “Do you think there’s a place in the movie where I could wear the white dress? Say, at the wedding, or something like that?” And they say, “Well, really, the bride should wear the white dress..” And I say, “Could we both wear the white dress? Could we shoot it both ways?” And that’s what we did, and they decided ultimately to go with me in the suit, and I think that was the right choice. But I do have a photo of the scenethat was cut out, and I’d like you take a look at it, could you put that up, please?

[ show picture of Steve and the bride both wearing white dresses ]

I thought it worked, but, you know, they thinkthey’re bigshots. Okay! We have a great show tonight, James Taylor is here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

The Energy Brothers

…..Steve Martin
Energy Brothers…..Adam Sandler, Chris Farley

Steve Martin: You know, one of the nice things about being in my position in show business is that, every once in a while you get to help some young talent along the way. Well, when I was asked to host tonight’s show, I said I would do it on one condition – I want America to meet Steve Martin’s latest discovery. They’re a team who, in my opinion, will change the face of comedy in the 90’s, just as I did in the late 70’s and the first four months of 1980. Now, most comedians are as good or as bad as their material. Not the Energy Brothers. Because, you see, the Eenrgy Brothers have no material. They make us laugh on pure, raw energy. So, sit back and get ready to laugh, because, ladies and gentlemen, here come The Energy Brothers!

[ cut to the Energy Brothers, who immediately drop to their knees and creep across the flor to a small table filled with dishes ]

Energy Brothers: COMEDYYYYYYY!!!!

[ they proceed to dismantle the contents of the table, by throwing the dishes around and sliding themselves across the tabletop. One brother sticks his head in a vat of oatmeal, then proudly shows off his face covered in the oatmeal. They then high-five one another as a display of their comedic achievements. ]

[ cut back to Steve ]

Steve Martin: You have to keep reminding yourself – they have no talent, they’re that good! The Energy Brothers! And I found them, ladies and gentlemen!

SNL Transcripts

The Doormen

Frank…..Rob Schneider
Jimmy…..Kevin Nealon
Ms. Foster…..Siobhan Fallon
Ms. Hawkins…..Ellen Cleghorne
Mr. Claymore…..Phil Hartman
Tommy the Delivery Boy…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Jimmy the Doorman standing outside the door of the luxury apartment building, as Frank walks out ]

Frank: I turned on the lights on the Christmas tree, Jimmy!

Jimmy: Good work, Frank! [ Ms. Foster steps outside ] Hey, Ms. Foster!

Frank: How ya doin’, Ms. Foster?

Ms. Foster: Just fine, guys!

Jimmy: Nice night tonight, huh, Ms. Foster?

Ms. Foster: Oh, yes, it’s perfect!

Jimmy: Alright, you go and enjoy it now, Ms. Foster!

Frank: Yeah, have a nice night!

Ms. Foster: I sure will! See you soon, guys! [ walks away ]

Jimmy: Bye, Ms. Foster!

Frank: See ya!

Jimmy: That Ms. Foster, she’s one nice lady, huh?

Frank: Yeah, she sure is.

Jimmy: And pretty, too!

Frank: Oh, yeah.. pretty lady!

Jimmy: [ thinking ] I’d sure like to go upstairs and try on all her panties.

Frank: Yeah, me, too!

Jimmy: Nah.. they’d be too small.

Frank: Oh, sure.

Jimmy: Besides, I’d make an ugly woman.

Frank: Yeah, me, too.

[ Ms. Hawkins breezes forward ]

Jimmy: Hey, Ms. Hawkins!

Frank: How ya doin’, Ms. Hawkins?

Ms. Hawkins: Hi! [ exits into the building ]

Jimmy: See ya, Ms. Hawkins!

Frank: See ya! Nice lady.

Jimmy: Yeah.

Frank: Yeah. You’d look good in that dress!

Jimmy: No. It’d make my butt look too big.

Frank: Yeah, mine, too.

Jimmy: Yeah, I got a big ass. It’d torture me for years.

Frank: Yeah, my hips are like a woman’s.

Jimmy: Not as big as Mrs. Blake’s, up in 1503.

Frank: Oh, yeah.. her panties must be huge!

Jimmy: Oh, yeah. We could use her panties as a driftnet.

Frank: Hey, that’d be good. But where’d you get the boat?

Jimmy: Yeah, you’re right..

Frank: Oh, sure. You know what kind of panties I’d like to wear?

Jimmy: What’s that, Frank?

Frank: Silk panties.

Jimmy: Oh, sure, me, too. Natural fiber, the only kind for me.

Frank: Yeah, I break out otherwise.

Jimmy: Oh, sure, you can’t breathe.

Frank: Oh, yeah.

[ Mr. Claymore steps out ]

Mr. Claymore: Hi, Jimmy!

Jimmy: Hey, Mr. Claymore!

Frank: How ya doin’, Mr. Claymore?

Mr. Claymore: Doing fine, thank you.

Jimmy: How’s Mrs. Claymore’s gall bladder?

Mr. Claymore: Oh, it’s out now. She’ll be coming home in a couple of days.

Jimmy: Glad to hear that!

Frank: Yeah, good news! See ya! [ Mr. Claymore walks away ] Nice guy.

Jimmy: Yeah. You know, in the hospital they give you those gowns that open up in the back.

Frank: Oh, yeah, keep you real cool!

Jimmy: Oh, sure. I’d like to wear one of those gowns, and then squat over a block of ice.

Frank: Oh, yeah. And maybe a fan to blow the cool air straight up.

Jimmy: [ excited ] Oh, sure! That’d be good!

Frank: Oh, yeah, why not?

Jimmy: Sure. [ a woman walks past them on the sidewalk ] That’s a man.Frank: Oh, sure. You can tell by the thick ankles.

Jimmy: Yeah, and the big Adam’s Apple.

Frank: Oh, yeah. I got a huge Adam’s Apple. Gives me away every time.

Jimmy: Oh, yeah, me, too. [ Tommy the Delivery Boy walks up ] Hey, Tommy!

Frank: How ya doin’, Tommy?

Tommy the Delivery Boy: Yeah, I got a delivery.

Jimmy: Why don’t you take this one up, Frank?

Frank: I took the last one up, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Oh, I’ll get the next one, Frank. Who’s it for?

Tommy the Delivery Boy: Ms. Foster.

Frank: Where’s it from?

Tommy the Delivery Boy: Uh.. [ looks ] Victoria’s Secret.

Jimmy: [ grabs the box ] I’ll take this one up, Frank!

Frank: No, I got this one..!

[ fade on them fighting over the box ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 9

91i: Steve Martin / James Taylor

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

…..Kevin Nealon

Jack Handey V/O:
It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart
by something as simple as wild dogs.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
The face of a child can say it all,
especially the mouth part of the face.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail
on the sidewalk in front of our house.
And I thought, I too am like that snail.
I build a defensive wall around myself, a “shell” if you will.
But my shell isn’t made out of a hard, protective substance.
Mine is made out of tin foil and paper bags.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 14th, 1991

Steve Martin

James Taylor

None

James Taylor, “Stop Thinkin’ About That”

“Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight”

Steve Martin’s Monologue

Schmitt’s Gay Beer

(Repeat) See: 09/28/91.

Suckerpunch

Recurring Characters: Mark Strobel.

The Doormen

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

What a human snail shell is made of.

The Energy Brothers

James Taylor performs “Stop Thinkin’ About That”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Theatre Stories

Live With Regis & Kathie Lee

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

The face of a child.

James Taylor performs “Shed A Little Light”

Grandma Pugga Loves Cats

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

What tears families apart.

Steve’s Coward-Slapping Spree

The Dark Side with Nat X

Recurring Characters: Nat X, Michael Jackson.

James Taylor performs “Sweet Baby James”

Chris Farley, Tarzan, Frankenstein sing “Feliz Navidad”

Recurring Characters: Tarzan, Frankenstein.

SNL Transcripts

Remembrances of Love, with Wilt Chamberlain

Wilt Chamberlain…..Hammer
Cheryl…..Ellen Cleghorne
Fan…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on modern-day Wilt Chamberlain, sitting in his study next to a table stacked high with files on the women he’s dated ]

Wilt Chamberlain: I love women. I’ve had 20,000 relationships with beautiful, fascinating women in my life, every day since 1959, and all of them were special in their own way. Tonight.. [ pulls out a picture ] ..I remember Cheryl – #13,906, but in my heart, she was #2,078. Cheryl was so full of life, love and laughter. [ sniffs ] Mmm.. I can smell her perfume even now..

[ scene flashes back to Wilt’s time spent with Cheryl ]

Wilt Chamberlain V/O: It was 1972. The year the Lakers and I went all the way. A special year all around.

[ show exterior, Marriot Hotel in Milwaukee, Wisconsin ]

Cheryl: [ laughing ] So.. I figured, if the line for the movie is that long, it can’t be any good! [ laughs ]

Wilt Chamberlain: [ chuckles ] That’s terrific!

Cheryl: Oh.. Wilt? I’m such a big fan of yours.

Wilt Chamberlain: Oh, what’s there to say about me? I play basketball. But tell me more about you.

Cheryl: Yeah, well, anyway.. I saw “Cabaret” instead, and that was excellent! It was good.

Wilt Chamberlain: Yeah. Can you imagine that those people were living in tough, old times, trying to make the best of an intolerable situation?

Cheryl: Oh, I know..

Wilt Chamberlain: And how was that Joel Grey?

Cheryl: [ sighs ] The whole cast was excellent!

Wilt Chamberlain V/O: I was totally head over heels for Cheryl. Maybe I was feeling a little vulnerable. I was on the rebound from a previous relationship with a girl who was still in the bathroom. But there was no time for analyzing – I’ve always followed my heart.

Wilt Chamberlain: Cheryl? I don’t know how to say this.. it’s like.. when we’re together, it’s just so right!

Cheryl: Oh, I feel it, too.

Wilt Chamberlain: Like, remember the time when we talked about “Cabaret”?

Cheryl: Uh-huh. Yeah. When you said that it was making the best of an intolerable situation?

Wilt Chamberlain: Yes. You’re just so.. so wonderful!

Cheryl: [ moves up to kiss Wilt, and carries him and his big legs into the bed ]

[ pan over to the clock on the dresser, which quickly jumps ahead 15 minutes, then pans back to the bed, where Wilt and Cheryl are now seen smoking afterwards. ]

Wilt Chamberlain: You are one amazing woman..

Cheryl: Oh.. it was wonderful, Wilt!

Wilt Chamberlain: Look.. I got a game tomorrow in Cleveland.. I could fly you in, and we could spend halftime together. Just you.. and me.

Cheryl: I don’t think so, Wilt..

Wilt Chamberlain: What do you mean?

Wilt Chamberlain V/O: I tried to argue.. but, deep down inside, Cheryl was right – it just wasn’t there any more. We had drifted apart, and we just couldn’t keep faking it.

Cheryl: I’ll always remember you, Wilt. [ exits room ]

Wilt Chamberlain: How could I forget you? [ tears well up in his eyes, as someone knocks at the door ] Come in..

Fan: Mr. Chamblerlain? My brother is a really big fan of yours.

Wilt Chamberlain: [ eyes her down ] Oh? Well, please.. come on in, sit down.. I want to hear more about you.. [ points to the table ] I’ve still got some french fries. Feel free!

Fan: Okay.

Wilt Chamberlain: Mmm-hmm..

Announcer: Next week: the heartbreak of #9,687, on “Remembrances of Love, with Wilt Chamberlain”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 8

91h: Hammer

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Queen Shenequa…..Ellen Cleghorne

Kevin Nealon: Good evening I’m Kevin Nealon and I’m an alleged anchorman. [on screen: ‘alleged anchorman- SNL Live’, Nealon’s face covered by blue blue] Can we just get this part over with, I’d like to get on with the news. [blur slides off screen]

In Palm Beach, legal experts are divided on the extent to which Willy Smith may have hurt his chances when after being asked by judge Mary Lupo if he understood the charges against him, Willy replied ‘yes your honor, babe’.

Former White House chief of staff John Sinunu, who was labeled a pitbull for his abrasive, aggressive manner, reluctantly resigned this week. President Bush regrettably accepted his resignation, then called the Humane Society to have him picked up and destroyed. The outgoing chief of staff says he will lease his name to King Features Syndicate for use in their word jumble feature.

In a late breaking story, Japan announced it will apologize for the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor. The apology will be released by the Sony corporation and available on compact disc for $12.95.

In a speech marking the anniversary, Vice President Dan Quayle assured the American public that even though the harbor was nearly destroyed in the attack, our pearl industry has completely recovered.

Several networks aired the specials on Pearl Harbor. ABC offered ‘Pearl Harbor, 2 Hours that Changed the World’, CBS aired, ‘Remember Pearl Harbor’, and the Disney channel gave us, ‘Honey I Shunk the Ships’.

The game ‘Monopoly’ will no longer be sold in the United States. Toymakers feel it’s just too unrealistic and gets peoples’ hopes up.

In a recent meeting of the Japanese parliament, the surprise attack on Pearl Harbor was commemorated by a surprise attack on an American made suit. [footage of attack on a man in a court room] I like that.

The only portraint painted of Christopher Columbus while he was still alive was discovered this week. Among other things, the painting surprisingly reveals that Columbus’ head was indeed flat and not round as previously believed.

According to education secretary Lamar Alexander, college scholarships will no longer be rewarded on a quota basis, because it’s not fair to other races. Scholarships will also not be rewarded based on intellect because it’s not fair to stupid people. Scholarships will now be given out alphabetically.

NBC news fired 18 news writers… that’s all it says here, I’m sorry.

Sears sponsored the Thanksgiving airing of ET, the Extra Terrestrial. With Sears sponsoring the film, they had to make a few changes. In this version, when the kid rides the bicycle over the moon, it breaks down.

Let’s take a look at a recent satellite photo. There it is, looks ok.

And Beauty and the Beast did well at the box office this week. [shows photo of Liz Taylor and Larry Fortensky]

Ladies and Gentlemen, here with her holiday update is SNL soul sister #1 Queen Shanequa.

Queen Shenequa: Thank you Kevin, or should I say ‘asanti sani, abaragani’.

Kevin Nealon: Aba…? I’m sorry.

Queen Shenequa: It’s Swahili, you know Swahili, the language that we speak in the Bronx. It’s a greeting.

Kevin Nealon: Abba?

Queen Shenequa: Keep practicing. Hi ya’al, it’s Queen Shanequa back from Harlem where I learned about Kwanzaa today. Kwanzaa is a Swahili word, it means, ‘Santa don’t come to my house’. I’m so glad we got our own holiday. When I was a kid, I was tied of people asking me ‘what does Santa bring you?, what does Santa bring you?’. Santa comes down a chimney, I grew up in the projects, where was he gonna come from, out the incinerator? Huhhh [sighs], you know what I mean Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Uh, aburogoni?

Queen Shenequa: Not quite, Kwanzaa is a 7 day holiday and you pray a lot. On the first day, we pray for our lost brothers and sisters. On the first day, I’m gonna pray for Michael Jackson. I’m gonna pray he gets his mind back. Now what’s wrong with that child? Has anyone seen his mind? Cuz he clearly lost it sometime after ‘Thriller’, singin about ‘it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white’. If it doesn’t matter, they why are you so white? Of course it matters, cuz if it didn’t matter, you’d just leave it the way it is, why bother to change it? If you change something, then it matters. If it doesn’t matter, you just leave it alone, right Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: [lifting fist firmly] Abaragani!

Queen Shenequa: Yes and then I’m gonna pray for Milli and Vanilli, another Swahili name. Milli Vanilli, translation, ‘I’m not singin. You? Un unh, you? Me neither’. Milli tried to commit suicide by jumpin out the window. Well he didn’t really jump, he got somebody else to jump out for him. On a serious note, I’m gonna pray for Nelson Mandela, who was in town this week addressing the United Nations. So much to pray for Kevin, I better get me some kneepads, whatch you think?

Kevin Nealon: Abaragani Queen Shanequa.

Queen Shenequa: Oh abaragani to you too Kevin and goodnight.

Kevin Nealon: Abaragani, abaragani.

New York City public schools have begun distributing condoms to students, making this the first generation of youngsters who will have their lambskins before they have their sheepskins.

Well the New York Mets will be paying outfielders Bobby Bonilla 29 million dollars for a 5 year contract. This makes him the highest paid player in team sports. 29 million dollars, just think about it. [spaces out for a few seconds, gets excited]

In other sports news, throughout Wilt Chamberlain’s recent autobiography, the superstar divides book sections with ‘Wiltisms’, which is kind of a proverb he recommends should guide your life. For example, here’s one we’ve all heard before. ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try 20,000 more times’.

Serial murderer Richard Speck died after complaining of chest pains. The ailing prisoner was transferred to a local hospital where efforts to revive him with a toilet plunger failed. We’re gonna miss him.

In medical news, a major study published today concluded that aspirin, the classic headache remedy, can lessen your risk of colon cancer. Providing of course, you’ve got your head up your ass.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s new to me.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 8

91h: Hammer

Dick Clark Productions

Receptionist…..David Spade
Kenneth Hornaday….. Phil Hartman
…..Hammer
Cleaning Lady…..Ellen Cleghorne
Kremlok…..Dana Carvey

[Screen reads ‘Los Angeles: The Offices of Dick Clark Productions’]

Kenneth Hornaday: Hi, I’m here to see Mr. Clark.

Receptionist: And you are?

Kenneth Hornaday: Kenneth Hornaday.

Receptionist: Right and this is regarding…

Kenneth Hornaday: Yes I’m with Bradford Contracting, I have some blueprints of Dick’s new bedroom and he wanted to take a look at em.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you have an appointment or you…

Kenneth Hornaday: Well no he just said to come by today.

Receptionist: Ok great if you could just have a seat.

Kenneth Hornaday: Well actually I have another meeting, you know how long-

Receptionist: You know he’s so backed up, it might be a while, you understand, it’s crazy today.Kenneth Hornaday: Really? But it’s only 9 AM.

Receptionist: I know, if you could just have a seat.

Kenneth Hornaday: But you’ve only been open for a minute.

Receptionist: I know, [speaking softer] if you could just have a seat, thanks. [Hornaday sits down] Eh eh eh eh eh, hi there, hi. [Hammer tries to walk into offices]

Hammer: Yeah I’m here to see Dick Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Hammer: Tell him it’s Hammer.

Receptionist: Right, and this is regarding…

Hammer: He’s doin the American Music Awards and he wants me to be a part of it.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and he would know you because you…

Hammer: You know, Hammer, Hammer Time?

Receptionist: Hammer Time, is that a TV show or something? I don’t really…

Hammer: Look I’m a rapper and actually I’m pretty well known. You know you might have heard my song. [starts to sing] Doom doom doom, bu du d- du can’t touch this. Doom doom doom doom doom.

Receptionist: I’m sorry I don’t really listen to much music, more of a reader. I’m sure you’re very gifted. If you could just have a seat. Can I just get your last name, I’m not sure Hammer would ring a bell.

Hammer: Look it’s Hammer, you know, like Madonna!

Receptionist: Right and she is?…

Hammer: Your momma! Nevermind, forget it. [Hammer sits down]

Receptionist: Would you be a lamb and take your foot off that [pedestal]? Thanks. You know staring at me like that isn’t gonna get you in any faster. [Hornaday eyes Hammer as if receptionist is psycho] [Spanish woman walks in]

Receptionist: Yes.

Cleaning Lady: Por favore, ciro traval cacina.

Receptionist: Eu steres…

Cleaning Lady: Magiama Rosa.

Receptionist: E es regardandoro…

Cleaning Lady: E es carncario cay come avala antubra.

Receptionist: Ci, ci, por favore tofo no sitro.

Cleaning Lady: Perche.

Receptionist: Tofo no citro, gracias. [Spanish woman sits down]

Kremlok: [enters, speaking in Alien voice] I must communicate with Earthling Richard Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Kremlok: Kremlock from Planet Orton 5.

Receptionist: Right and this is regarding…

Kremlok: The end of humanity.

Receptionist: And you’re on Earth because you…

Kremlok: Must tell Dick Clark to go on television airwaves to warn people of this planet of imminent doom and destruction.

Receptionist: Right, and you were referred to us by…

Kremlok: ‘Meglar the all knowing’. I must warn all humans that because of your warlike ways, you will be punished when a fleet of star cruisers representing-

Receptionist: Ok, shhh, shhh, got it, enough, thank you, too much. I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna put ‘regarding warlike ways’ ok? And when you see him you can elaborate if you could just take a seat it’ll be a minute.

Kremlok: This is urgent.

Receptionist: Well there’s 3 people in front of you, if you can work it out with them, fine, if not, just be patient, thanks. [Kremlock exits reception room]

Kenneth Hornaday: Hey is he [Kremlock] even here?

Receptionist: I’m sorry refresh me, you are…?

Kenneth Hornaday: Kenneth Hornaday!

Receptionist: Ok ok, if you could just be patient.

Hammer: [talking to Hornaday] I can’t stand a little grunt like this, thinks he’s running everything. I could just kill him.

Receptionist: Hmm, whispering about me isn’t gonna get you in any faster. [Hammer gets up from his seat, angered]

Kenneth Hornaday: Please Hammer, don’t hurt him.

[Kremlock re-enters with apron and hat from Weiner Hut]

Kremlok: [still talking like an alien] I have 2 chicago dogs to be delivered in person to human Dick Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Kremlok: Jeff from Weiner Hut.

Receptionist: Right, sorry Kremlock, I know it’s you. Now you lost your place in line. If I were you, I’d just sit and be patient, k? Nice hat. [Kremlock sits down]

Kremlok: [talking to Hammer] Sorry are you reading that [magazine]?

Hammer: No, go ahead.

Receptionist: [phone rings] Dick Clark Prouctions [pause] And you are?

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts