Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 8: Episode 16 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
March 19th, 1983 Robert Guillaume Duran Duran None None Buckwheat DeadSummary: Ted Koppel (Joe Piscopo) profiles the life of Buckwheat’s (Eddie Murphy) assassin, John David Stutts (Eddie Murphy). Recurring Characters: Ted Kopel, Buckwheat. Transcript
Montage
Robert Guillaume’s Monologue
Clysler-Prymouth FloormatsRecurring Characters: Lee Iacocca.
Old South Slave Songs
Heil Hits
The Mrs. T Birthday SpecialRecurring Characters: Mrs. T, Mr. T, Steve Lawrence.
I Married A MonkeyRecurring Characters: Tim.
Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Patti Lynn Hunnsacker.
(Open on a stiill of Buckwheat on a gray background with Byron Allen’s face pasted onto his body. The background is decorated with miniature red NBC peacock logos, representing the 1982-83 network promo graphics. THE BUCKWHEAT STORY is shown on top and “Thursday 9:00/8:00 central” is on the bottom.)
Announcer V/O: Coming Thursday night at 9:00, The Buckwheat Story, a world premiere movie starring Byron Allen. Otay!
[ a broadcast of the “Donny & Marie” St. Patrick’s Day Special” is interrupted by a breaking news story ] [ cue Ted Koppel reporting from the ABC newsroom ]
Ted Koppel: We have just received word that Buckwheat has been shot. Apparently, it happened just moments ago as the legendary performer was leaving 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York. He had just finished making an appearance on “Saturday Night Live”, and as he was leaving the building, he was shot by an unknown assailant, or assailants.. details are sketchy at this point. [ grabs earpiece ] Now, I understand that we now have a videotape of the shooting – let’s take a look.
[ videotape plays on monitor to Ted’s left ]
[ Buckwheat and his entourage exit 30 Rockefeller Plaza amongst a myriad of fans ]
Autograph Seeker: Oh, Mr. Buckwheat, I so love your singing, could I have your autograph..?
Buckwheat: Thank you very much. No autographs, pease, pease.. [ to crowd ] I nub nou! I nub nou! [ stands just outside of his limo ]
Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!
Buckwheat: Yes.
[ suddenly, two shots ring out, as Buckwheat staggers and his bodyguards run into the startled crowd to tackle the mysterious assailant – cameras zoom back to see the limo peel away in a mad rush to the hospital. ]
[ cut back to Ted Koppel ]
Ted Koppel: That was the scene just moments ago. To repeat:Buckwheat has been shot. We understand that he has been rushed to a nearby hospital, his condition unknown. We’ll bring you more details as the shocking tragedy develops.
[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]
Announcer: The Shooting of Buckwheat: America Stunned. [ dissolve to Texxon graphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there.
[ cut to Ted Koppel ]
Ted Koppel: For the benefit of those of you who have just joined us, Buckwheat has been shot. Let’s take a look.
[ cut back to footage of Buckwheat ]
Buckwheat: [ to crowd ] I nub nou! I nub nou!
Ted Koppel: Here he is, coming out of what appears to be 30 Rockefeller Plaza.. there he is. Now, the shots come right about.. here..
Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!
Buckwheat: Yes.
[ shots ring out ]
Ted Koppel: There they are. Now, I have just been told that Buckwheat has just arrived at St. Vincent’s Hospital. Let’s go there, live. [ monitor over Ted’s left shoulder shows the camera zooming through the crowded hall at St. Vincent’s Hospital ] Alright.. now, as you can see, several of Buckwheat’s friends are already there..
[ camera discovers fellow “Our Gang” alum, Alfalfa, talking to a woman in the hall ]
Alfalfa: I can’t believe it! I can’t believe theyshot him, it’s just terrible..!
Ted Koppel: [ interrupting ] Alfalfa, have you had a chance to see the actual footage of Buckwheat being shot?
Alfalfa: No, I haven’t!
Ted Koppell: Then, let’s take a look.
[ video footage plays once again ]
Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!
Buckwheat: Yes.
[ the shots ring out ]
Ted Koppel: Alfalfa, what are your feelings as you watch that?
Alfalfa: [ distressed ] Oh-h-h-h.. I’m hurt.. and confu-u-used.. and I don’t know what to say.. no comment! [ camera moves on ]
Ted Koppel: Alfalfa obviously stunned by this tragic turn of events. Alright, we’re going inside now.. [ camera focuses on doctors performing emergency surgery on Buckwheat ] Buckwheat, as you can see, going under the knife. Doctor, excuse me.. this is Ted Koppel. Have you had a chance to see the actual footage of Buckwheat as he was shot?
Doctor: [ looking up from surgery ] No. I haven’t.
Ted Koppel: Well, then, let’s take a look.
[ cut to video footage yet again ]
Ted Koppel: There he is, about to get into his limosine.. and, uh.. [ footage plays in slow-motion, as Buckwheat is shot ] ..at 30 Rock.. it speaks for itself… buckwheat being shot. To repeat: Buckwheat has been shot. He’s now in emergency surgery, and all we Americans can do is wait and worry.
[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]
Announcer: Emergency Surgery: America Waits and Worries. [ dissolve to Texxon graphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there.
[ cut to Ted Koppel ]
Ted Koppell: We have just.. we have just received some tragic news.. Buckwheat.. is dead.
[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]
Announcer: Buckwheat Dead: America Mourns. [ dissolve to Texxongraphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there. Because Buckwheat would have wanted it that way.
[ cut to Ted Koppel ]
Ted Koppel: For those of you, just joining us.. Buckwheat is dead. How did he die? Let’s take a look. [ footage plays again ]
Buckwheat: I nub nou!
Ted Koppel: Alright, now.. as you can see – there it is.. [ shots ring out ] ..it looks like the shots came from Buckwheat’s left side.. there are the security men.. going right after the assailant, or assailants.. we’re not quite sure, as of yet. Who killed Buckwheat, and why? Good questions. We intend to be here tomorrow night, and every night, until those questions are answered. Until then, we pay a final tribute to a great performer.
[ a montage of Buckwheat moments throughout the years is shown, right up to the fatal assassination that just took place moments earlier ]
Ted Koppel: Buckwheat dead. This is Ted Koppell reporting. We now return you to our normal programming. Good night.
Voice-over: A new community center for senior citizens. A lifesaving clinic for treating athsmatic children. A free job training program for unemployed veterans. What do they all have in common?
(Texxon logo shown on screen)
Texxon oil. Grants from the Texxon foundation paid for them all.
(shows news magazines with front-page stories about extravangant oil company profits)
So when we hear a lot of loose talk about “price fixing” and “windfallprofits,” it worries us. We want to go on helping the needy.
(cut to scene of protesters in front of Capitol Hill, demanding regulations and taxes on oil companies)
So the next time you take an irresponsible swipe at an oil company,remember, who’s going to feel the pinch first?
Elderly man: If anything happens to the oil depletion allowance, I’m as good as dead.
Unemployed Veteran: If these dudes don’t get some offshore oil leases, I’ll be back on the streets. And I’ll be mad.
Athsmatic Little Girl: Please don’t pull the plug on me. Support the deregulation of natural gas.
(background music turns dramatic, logo and motto appear on screen)
Voice-over: Texxon. Do what we say, and nobody gets hurt.
[ open on title superimposed over stained glass windows, as organ music plays ]
Announcer: Welcome to “Five Minutes to Reflect.”
[ zoom out, then down to reveal the rabbi Morton Karloff flipping through his prayer text ]
Announcer: Tonight’s guest speaker is the rabbi Morton Karloff, of Temple Beth Myerson.
Rabbi Morton Karloff: Good evening. You know, many people have asked me the question: “Rabbi, tell me what is the origin of the Five Books of Moses.” Well. I myself have — [ removes his glasses, which separates his side curls from the rest of his hair ] — shrugged my shoulders many times at the thought. Why not four books, or – or six books, or – or ten books? [ replaces his glasses and side curls ] Well.. the simple fact is that the Five Books of moses were just to be the first five books in a projected series that was going to be issued monthly, under the tile “The Testement of the month Club.” Now, as you all know, according to the Jewish calendar, this is the year 5743, which means that, had we been publishing one book per month, right now we’d be up to Volume 68,708.
But what were th other books to have been written about? Well, basically, home repair. Volume 6 through 29 were tentatively titled “Hebraic Household Hints.” The sixth volume, for example, was to be devoted entirely to drywall. Volume 7 through 10 were on small appliance repair, plumbling, and heating. And Volume 11 was on vertical and, uh.. vertical blind and track lighting installation, I believe.
Now, these books never appeared,which explains why, to this day, the Jewish people are not very handy. But was the entire rest of the Bible to have consisted only of handyman’s tips? Well, hardly. no, there were a great many more subjects that were to have been covered. Military tactics, uh.. the correct way of cooking meat, so it isn’t dry and tasteless. And how to decorate a suburban living room like a Hawaiian hotel lobby. One book alone – “Sex Hints for the Teenaged Daughter” – might have changed the entire course of history, had it been issued as was planned in 1726.
But the most frequently-asked question is: “On Rasheed’s philosophy of skylight leaks, what was the –“
[ the organ music pots up ]
Rabbi Morton Karloff: What is the music coming in for now? That’s too early, I had five minutes to reflect. [ looks at his watch ] That’s, uh – that’s four minutes and ten seconds, I’ve been keeping time. No, you’re not cutting now – I have five minutes to reflect! No! He said five minutes on me, not four minutes on me!
[ the camera pans upward to the stained glass window ]
Rabbi Morton Karloff: Now he’s moving up! Why is he moving up?! What is he – he’s going to the window again! It’s not – what is this, a window commercial? Come back here! Hey!
[ Rabbi morton Karloff waves his hand as the camera rises past him and holds on the stained glass window ]
Rabbi Morton Karloff V/O: Hey, this isn’t “Four Minutes to Reflect!!” Hey, come here!
[ Rabbi Morton Karloff stands up his pulpit so he can reappear in the frame ]
Rabbi Morton Karloff: What is this, “Four Minutes to Reflect and a One-Minute Window Commercial?!” The Episcopalian yesterday got the whole thing!!
Announcer: Be with us again tomorrow night for —
Rabbi Morton Karloff: Now the announcer is coming in, come on!!
Announcer: — “Five minutes to Reflect.”
Rabbi Morton Karloff: The Born-Again three days ago got ten minutes!!
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Air Date:
Buckwheat DeadSummary: Ted Koppel (Joe Piscopo) profiles the life of Buckwheat’s (Eddie Murphy) assassin, John David Stutts (Eddie Murphy).
