SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Nana…..Betty White

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Working with his Grandma’s put a strain on their relationship!
MacGruber!
She’s telling lots of stories that are really embarrassing!
MacGruber!
He’s losing all his street cred!”

[CUT to MacGruber being made fun of by another couple as he strikes a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a clandestine guerilla airport. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Clandestine Guerilla Airport.” CUT to a sign marked “Airport Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Nana: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is magnet-locked!

Vicky: And from the looks of that mini-hydrogen bomb, we’ve got about 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Don’t worry, gang — we will get out of here. And we’ll do it together. Right, Nana?

[ Nana grins ]

Vicky: Fifteen seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Uh — Vicky — please! Hand me that paper clip — thank you!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

Nana: MacGruber? Do you still have scars from when you had your breast reduction surgery?

MacGruber: Uh… no, Nana, I don’t. Because I never had one!

Nana: Ohh, he’s embarrassed!

MacGruber: [ clenching his teeth ] We have gone over this before! This is not story time, we are trying to diffuse a freaking bomb here! So just stay over there, and keep your mouth shut!

Vicky: Ten seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Uh — uh — Vicky! Please hand me that cord! Thank you!

Vicky: Here you go, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Nana!

[ Nana appears to be dead ]

Vicky: Oh, my God!

MacGruber: [ shaking his head ] She’s just playing dead. She does this all the time for attention. Good job, Nana! Real mature! 88 years old! Really freakin’ mature! Everynoe knows you’re still alive!

[ no reaction ]

MacGruber: Check her pulse, just in case.

[ Vicky leans forward, afraid ]

[ Nana opens one eye for a quick second ]

MacGruber: [ pointing ] I SAW THAT!! HA HA! I WIN!!

[CUT to the airport exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

MacGruber

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Nana…..Betty White

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
He’s working with his Grandma now!”

[CUT to MacGruber and scooterbound Nana in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a hijacked insane asylum. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Hijacked Insane Asylum.” CUT to a sign marked “Asylum Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Nana: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is sealed shut!

Vicky: And from the looks of that time bomb, we’ve only got 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, gang. The only bombs we’re gonna have to watch out for are the SAKI bombs that we’re gonna drink when we get out of here. And we will get out of here.

Vicky: Fifteen seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Uh — Vicky — hand me that bottle cap!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Nana!

Nana: MacGruber, what do we say when someone does something nice for us?

MacGruber: Right, right, uh — Thank you, Vicky, for the bottle cap.

Vicky: You’re welcome, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Nana! Scooter me over that gum wrapper!

Nana: MacGruber-r-r-r?

MacGruber: Uh — uh — Please! Please!

[ Nana scooters forward ]

MacGruber: Okay, uh — Vicky! Please, that eraser thingy!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber! You’re welcome!

MacGruber: Okay, let’s see what we got here…

Nana: [ reminiscing ] You know, he used to fingerpaint on the walls with his little poopies.

MacGruber: Nana, now is not the time!

Nana: We called him “Poop-casso”!

MacGruber: She didn’t say that.

Nana: He breastfed until he was twelve years old.

MacGruber: Okay! Can we focus, please?!

Nana: He had his first kiss when he was sixteen! How is Barry, by the way?

MacGruber: Nana, I’m asking you very nicely! Please, thank you, stop!

Nana: You know, when he was born, they thought he was a girl for two whole months because they couldn’t find his wee-wee!

MacGruber: Nana!

Nana: It’s called “micro-penis.”

MacGruber: SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU OLD LADY!! WITH YOUR WHITE HAIR AND YOUR… WALKING PROBLEM!!

Vicky: MacGruber!

MacGruber: I’m sorry, Nana… [ Nana is shocked ] I’m under a lot of stress here! I mean, I gotta diffuse this bomb —

[CUT to the insane asylum exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

Goodnights

…..Betty White

Betty White: Thanks! Thanks to Jay-Z… thanks to Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, Ana Gasteyer, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Molly Shannon, and all these WONDERFUL people on this show who have been so dear to a very scared, but happy, host.

Everyone: Yaaaayyyyy!!!

[ Kenan Thompson and Kristen Wiig lean in from either side to present Betty with bouquets of white roses ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

Debbie Downer

Rachel Dratch…..Debbie Downer
Grandma Downer…..Betty White
Nelva…..Maya Rudolph
Linda…..Molly Shannon
Hostess…..Kristen Wiig
Wife #1…..Tina Fey
Wife #2…..Amy Poehler
Wife #3…..Ana Gasteyer

FADE IN:

[ EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT ]

[ INT. HOUSE – NIGHT ]

[ Several suburban housewives are gathered around, seated in the living room. The HOSTESS, dressed in a sleek, black dress, stands next to a basket of sexy lingerie. ]

Hostess: Okay neighbors, I hope you’re ready for my “Naughty Nightie Party”!

[ The ladies scream in delight. ]

Hostess: We have a lot of hot lingerie to look at and a lot of cold Pinot Grigio to knock back. So let’s get this party started!

Nelva: I want to buy something skimpy!

Linda: Go Nelva!

Wife #1: Ladies night! Yes!

Wife #2: This is a hoot!

Hostess: So first up – we have this lacy nightie called “Midnight Rhapsody”…

[ DEBBIE DOWNER comes in the front door. ]

Debbie Downer: Hey guys, sorry I’m late. I heard you were having a lingerie party. Warning — I probably won’t be purchasing any bras due to my vastly different cup sizes.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]

[ DISSOLVE to JINGLE MONTAGE ]

Jingle: “You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

[ Zoom on Debbie’s depressed face. ]

[ DISSOLVE to LIVING ROOM ]

[ Debbie takes a seat on the couch. ]

Hostess: And this little number is called “The Teddy Bare.” B-A-R-E.

Wife #3: Oh, I get it.

[ Everyone but Debbie chuckles. ]

Wife #1: Ladies night! Whoo!

[ The hostess holds up another low-cut designed lingerie piece. ]

Hostess: And this one is so sexy, your man won’t get a wink of sleep.

[ All but Debbie cheer. ]

Debbie Downer: I know what that’s like.

Wife #2: What what’s like?

Debbie Downer: Well, I have severe sleep apnea. Doctors are baffled. Sometimes I wake up upwards of 300 times a night.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]

Linda: How did she find out about this party?

Wife #3: Nelva told her.

Linda: Good going, Nelva.

Nelva: We go to the same leg vein clinic.

[ The hostess holds out tiny pink panties. ]

Hostess: You guys are going to love these…

[ Except Debbie, everyone else coos. ]

Hostess: There called “Angel Briefs” and they’re designed Suzanne Somers.

[ Nelva grabs them. ]

Nelva: Do these panties come in bright yellow?

[ Nelva twirls the panties on her right index finger. Linda grabs them. ]

Linda: I’m going to put them on tonight.

Nelva: Oh la la.

Debbie Downer: Make sure to pre-wash all underwear, Linda. Recent swab studies found you’re toying with crab lice and strug-resistant staph.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]

Nelva: Could we please get back to the sexy stuff!?

[ The ladies cheer. Wife #1 caresses a bottle of massage oil near her face. ]

Wife #1: Are these massage oils? Nice!

Wife #3: I just want Jim to give me a massage, but his massages just tickle.

Hostess: It’s flavored massage oil and it’s $15.99. Called “Harvest Peach”.

Linda: Yum! I’d love it if my Tom would cover me in oil.

Debbie Downer: You know who doesn’t loved being covered in oil? Sea birds. You guys heard about the oil spill, right?

Wife #2: Yeah… we heard about the oil spill.

Debbie Downer: Yep. I guess BP will stand for “Blight of the Pelican”.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with the sound of a squawking bird. ]

[ Debbie grabs a glass of wine. ]

Debbie Downer: Hmmm. I can taste the sulphites in this wine.

[ Debbie takes a sip. ]

Wife #2: Good God!

Hostess: Okay, I have some—

Debbie Downer: Do you know Mandy from two blocks over?

[ The ladies agree in unison. ]

Linda: Is she going to come over?

Debbie Downer: She died.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]

Wife #2: What in the hot hell is wrong with you? We are just a bunch of suburban ladies trying to booze it up for one night without our families and you have to kill every freakin’ buzz we find! You like this!? I’m asking!! Seriously!?

[ Debbie begins to daydream. ]

[ DISSOLVE to Debbie at age 10. ]

[ INT. DOWNER HOUSE – DAY ]

[ Debbie sits in front of a birthday cake lit with ten candles. She blows them all out. ]

Debbie Downer: I have so many good wishes and I hope they all come true!!

[ Debbie swipes her finger in the cake and licks the frosting off in one setting. ]

Debbie Downer: I love cake! It’s like your mouth’s a carnival!! Thanks Grandma!

[ The camera pans out to show GRANDMA DOWNER in a drab brown top and pants, sitting sullen at the other side of the birthday cake. ]

Grandma Downer: Enjoy it now, kiddo. Gluten allergies are rampant in our family. You’re going to have to restrict.

[ Camera closes in on Grandma’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]

[ DISSOLVE to LIVING ROOM ]

Debbie Downer: So the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. We should start trying things on… uh… heads up, my bikini line is in shambles.

[ Besides Debbie, the others get up and exit. ]

Debbie Downer: Guess I’ll rummage through this inventory and see if there’s a medical bra. Hope there’s one in gray beige.

[ The bras float up and start to flee. ]

Debbie Downer: Hey! Where are you guys going?

Jingle (V/O): “You can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

[ Rachel stares at the camera and begins to laugh hard. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
Florence Dusty…..Betty White

[ open on exterior, NPR bulding, night ]

[ dissolve to interior, studio ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.

Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.

Together: And you’re listening to… The Delicious Dish. On National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, Teri. Tomorrow is the first Sunday in May. And it’s one of our favorite holidays, on Delicious Dish.

Teri Rialto: That’s right, Margaret Jo. Every year, for one day, we celebrate and say thank you to…

Together: Dietary fiber!

Teri Rialto: As you all know, Sunday is National Dietary Fiber Day, and we’ve celebrated that together for years.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. And, even though we’ve been friends for a long time, you could say our shared love of fiber keeps our relationship “bran” new!

Teri Rialto: [ smiling ] That’s funny!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks!

Teri Rialto: You took the “d” off “brand” and made it “bran”.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Bingo!

Teri Rialto: Did you just come up with that joke?

Margaret Jo McCullen: No. I got the idea the day after last day’s — [ she clears her throat ] last year’s dietary fiber show, so I had to wait ’til now. So, Teri… what’s your favorite kind of fiber?

Teri Rialto: I like Quinoa.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Whoa!

Teri Rialto: I threw you, didn’t I? You thought I was gonna say barley.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. That was a real game changer.

Teri Rialto: [ smiling ] More like, grain changer!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good one. You’re lucky you thought of that joke today.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. It’s neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s fun.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Happy Fiber Day.

Teri Rialto: You, too.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks!

[ they both smile before continuing ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Our guest today is a little bit of a rock star in the confectionary world.

Teri Rialto: No kidding. She can shake it, break it, and sprinkle it, child.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Please welcome Florence Dusty, from Dusty’s Old-Time Bakery.

Teri Rialto: Hi, Florence!

[ Florence Dusty slides over ]

Florence Dusty: Thank you for having me!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Florence, what delicious treat are you gonig to share with us today?

Florence Dusty: Well… a lot of people like my pumpkin pie, and, of course, my carrot cake is obviously legendary! But, if there’s one thing I’m known for… it’s my muffin.

[ she slides a tray of muffings over ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooh! Wow! Get a whiff of that!

Florence Dusty: Pretty intense, right?

Teri Rialto: Mmm… I can’t wait to taste your muffin. [ eating ] Mmm… wow! Warm! Yummy!

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s surprisingly salty. I mean that in a very good way.

Teri Rialto: Your muffin is remarkably velvety.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s true. I think we both assumed — and I think, wrongfully — that a baker of your generation might tend towards a more… drier, crusty muffin.

Florence Dusty: Well, that’s true, that many bakers from my era have dry or, even, yeasty muffins.

Margaret Jo McCullen: A yeasty muffin can really ruin your whole day.

Teri Rialto: Sometimes, your week.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, the phone lines are really lighting up.

Teri Rialto: We can get to those later.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Florence, there’s a tangy taste in this muffin. Is that a cherry?

Florence Dusty: No. My muffin hasn’t had a cherry since 1939.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Your muffin sure has seen a lot.

[ they continue eating ]

Teri Rialto: Mmm… your muffin just squirted in my mouth!

Florence Dusty: It happens.

Teri Rialto: I guess I’m eating it the right way.

Florence Dusty: Yeah! Go to town!

Margaret Jo McCullen: You know, I don’t talk about it a lot, but… I went through a pretty major muffin phase in college.

Florence Dusty: I would have guessed that, based on your appearance.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s the haircut.

Teri Rialto: You know… you’re unveiling your new muffin today. Are you nervous about how it will be received?

Florence Dusty: Well, you know, girls, when I was younger, I was so concerned about how my muffin looked. But, as I got older, I started to think: “To heck with it! This is MY muffin, and I don’t care HOW it looks! I’m just gonna let it all hang out.”

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s really progressive.

Teri Rialto: You go, girl!

Florence Dusty: That’s right, child! I’m Florence Dusty! I’m 88 and a half years old, and I’m proud to unveil my Giant Dusty Muffin!

[ she slides over a tray with one giant muffin on it ]

Teri Rialto: Ooh!

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s gorgeous. Look at that.

Florence Dusty: Well, ladies, as I used to say to my loving husband, Irving, of 55 years: “What are you waiting for, stupid? Eat it!”

[ they dig in ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: God bless. Good times!

Teri Rialto: God bless you.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, thank you so much, Florence, and, to our listeners: Don’t worry, we’ll be sure to post some sweet muffin shots online later.

Florence Dusty: Good times!

Teri Rialto: That’s all for Delicious Dish. Join us next week, when we’ll be talking about…

Together: Pork Buns!

[ shaking her head ] Not a fan.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

CSI: Sarasota

Vivian Caruso….Betty White
Sy Horowitz….Rachel Dratch
Nurse….Nasim Pedrad
Jeffrey….Bill Hader
Dead old man….Will Forte

[CBS logo]

Announcer: Coming soon to CBS.

[Opens on a retirement home for the elderly, an old man is dead with his face on the table. A nurse consoles the old man’s friend]

Jeffrey: How did this happen?

Nurse: Don’t be sad Jeffrey. It was just his time.

Sy Horowitz: Not so fast! Was it just his time?

Vivian Caruso: [puts on sunglasses] Or the perfect crime?

The Who: YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

[scenes of Miami, a golf cart with old dudes driving]

Announcer: You love the other CSI’s. [CSI NY, CSI SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT, CSI MIAMI WEEKENDS] But what happens when people retire and crime doesn’t? CSI SARASOTA

[CSI SARASOTA logo]

Announcer: Starring Sy Horowitz. [Sy eats pasta salad] and David Caruso’s great aunt Vivian Caruso.

Vivian Caruso: I’m not too old for this shit.

[back to elderly home]

Sy Horowitz: This is a real pro job. They made it look like he died of natural causes.

Nurse: No, he did.

Vivian Caruso: Oh, really? Since when does a 103 year old man simply drop dead?

[Jeffrey drops dead]

Nurse: Jeffrey!

Vivian Caruso: Looks like he’s fallen [puts on sunglasses] and he’ll never get up.

The Who: YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

[CSI logo]

[Vivian poses, arms crossed, sunglasses]

Announcer: She’s got a gun, a badge and a fanny pack full of “Sweet and Low’s” she stole from a Denny’s.

Sy Horowitz: These victims were over 95. See a pattern here?

Nurse: Yeah, they were both old.

Vivian Caruso: And who’s trying to murder old people?

Sy Horowitz: Immigrants!

Vivian Caruso: Si senor!

The Who: YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

[CSI logo]

[Vivian and Sy back to back]

Announcer: They’re asking the hard questions and giving out harder candy.

Vivian Caruso: Where were you at 3:15?

Sy Horowitz: And where’s the thermostat?

Vivian Caruso: And why don’t people dress up when they fly airplanes anymore?

Nurse: OK. You two need to take your medicine.

Sy Horowitz: Watch it, sweetie. Your mouth is writing checks your tush can’t cash!

Vivian Caruso: And eat something! What’s the matter? [puts on sunglasses] You don’t want to have a husband?

The Who: YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!

[Vivian blows on the barrel of her gun]

Announcer: They got a license to kill. And a license to drive before sundown.

Sy Horowitz: You think we’ll ever catch this guy?

Vivian Caruso: It’s like my underwear. [puts on sunglasses] Depends.

The Who: YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Announcer: On CSI Sarasota. This is your grandmother’s cop show. On CBS, the old people’s network.

[CBS logo]

Vivian Caruso: Speak up or shut up!

[CSI logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

2010 Census Taker

Census Taker…..Tina Fey
Lee Smith….. Betty White
Fluffy…..Kenan Thompson

[Outside of Apartment]

[Census Taker knocks on the door, and Lee Smith opens the door.]

Census Taker: Hello ma’am, I’m a census taker with the U.S. Census Bureau.

Lee Smith: Oh terrific. Good for you, bye. [Starts to shut door]

Census Taker: [Re-open door] Hang on, um… you never returned your 2010 Census form, so if I could just ask you a few questions.

Lee Smith: Absolutely dear. Will I need a calculator?

Census Taker: No ma’am.

Lee Smith: ‘Cause I have one, but I took the batteries out to use them in a crotch massager.

Census Taker: No. You will not need a calculator. Uh… first question. How many people live at this residence?

Lee Smith: Zero.

Census Taker: You don’t live here?

Lee Smith: Oh, including me? Three.

Census Taker: Ok, well I’m gonna put you down as the primary resident.

Lee Smith: Terrific.

Census Taker: Now, how would you describe your race or ethic origin?

Lee Smith: Well, superior to Asians, but not as intelligent as Blacks.

Census Taker: Whoops! Let me clarify. Which of the following describes you? White, Asian, Hispanic, Pacific Islander…

Lee Smith: Oh, Pacific Islander, let’s try that… and don’t skimp on the rum.

Census Taker: Uh… what is your last name, ma’am?

Lee Smith: BLAAAFENGAR!

Census Taker: Can you spell that for me?

Lee Smith: S-M-I-T-H.

Census Taker: And that’s pronounced…

Lee Smith: BLAAARFENGAR!

Census Taker: Not Smith?

Lee Smith: They changed it at Ellis Island when I was there two weeks ago on a bingo cruise.

Census Taker: Okay. And your first name?

Lee Smith: BLAAARFENGAR!

Census Taker: And that’s spelt?

Lee Smith: L-E-E.

Census Taker: So your name is Blaarfengar Blaarfengar spelt Lee Smith?

Lee Smith: Well back in school, they had to call me Blaarfengar B. because there was another girl in the class named Lee Jarvis.

Census Taker: Ok… sure. Uh… are there any people living in this residence part-time?

Lee Smith: Oh… goodness yes. There’s Fluffy, Princess, Tigger, Socks…

Census Taker: Oh… and these are people we’re talking about here and not cats, right.

Lee Smith: There’s really no war of knowing. Sometimes when I see their big eyes looking up from my lap, I think that’s definitely a homeless guy in a fur coat.

Census Taker: Honestly Ms. Blaarfengar, the government is just trying to ascertain…

Lee Smith: Oh, Ascertain. That used to be my stripper name, but they recently changed it to BLAAARFENGAR.

Census Taker: Ok, you know what… we’re done.

Lee Smith: Oh good. You have a good day, sir.

[Broken glass]

Lee Smith: Fluffy, get down from there.

[Enter Fluffy]

Fluffy: Oh, I was chasing a mouse.

[Hugging]

[Applause]

Submitted by: Adam Rapfogel

SNL Transcripts

html>

SNL Transcripts: Betty White: 05/08/10 ]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 210


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:















Bit Players:

May 8th, 2010

Betty White

Jay-Z

None

Rachel Dratch

Tina Fey

Ana Gastayer

Amy Poehler

Maya Rudolph

Molly Shannon

Bridget Kelly

Mr. Hudson

None


Lawrence Welk ShowSummary: Lawrence Welk (Fred Armisen) pays tribute to mothers with help from baby-handed Dooneese (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Dooneese.

Montage

Betty White’s MonologueSummary: Betty White pokes fun of the Facebook campaign that landed her as host after 35 years, and jokes about what they did for fun in the old days.

Transcript

MacGruberSummary: Embarrassing childhood stories by Nana (Betty White) inteferes with MacGruber’s (Will Forte) attempt to diffuse a bomb.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullen (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) chat muffins with Forence Dusty (Betty White).

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

Transcript

The Manuel Ortiz ShowSummary: Manuel Ortiz (Fred Armisen) walks his endless line of guests through their problems with endless Spanish dancing.

Recurring Characters: Manuel Ortiz.

Transcript

MacGruberSummary: Nana (Betty White) playing dead inteferes with MacGruber’s (Will Forte) attempt to diffuse a bomb.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

GingeySummary: In 1904, everyone in her family suggests that Gingey (Amy Poehler) is a lesbian.

MacGruberSummary: MacGruber (Will Forte) apologizes to Nana (Betty White) for his outbursts and stops trying to diffuse the bomb so he can propose marriage.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Jay-Z performs “Real As It Gets”, “99 Problems”, and “Empire State of Mind” with Bridget Kelly

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) is still on crack. Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon) is still 50 years old, and fellow senior citizen (Betty White) is 90 years old. Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler, and Tina Fey ask “Really!?!” in egards to increased tension in Times Square, gaffes on Wall Street, and Greece’s national debt.

Recurring Characters: Whitney Houston, Sally O’Malley.

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and his grandmother (Betty White) try to scare another trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

Transcript

CSI: SarasotaSummary: Vivian Caruso (Betty White) and Sy Horowitz (Rachel Dratch) think there’s a killer on the loose at a retirement village, in this latest CBS spin-off.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: The cast sings “Thank You For Being a Friend” for Betty White, but she’d rather perform it hard-rock style.

Transcript

Jay-Z performs “Young Forever” with Mr Hudson

2010 Census TakerSummary: Census taker (Tina Fey) gets runaround answers from an old bird (Betty White) who may or may not be living alone in her apartment.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Celtic WomenSummary: The Celtic Women perform their music.

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter.

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz.

Car Bomb Press ConferenceSummary: Car bomber Faisal Shahzad (Fred Armisen) and his interpretor (Maya Rudolph) hold a press conference to address the charges against him.

Debbie DownerSummary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) brings everyone down at a lingerie party.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.

Transcript

Pretty LivingSummary: Joyologist Helen Madden (Molly Shannon) has a new best friend in Betty White.

Recurring Characters: Helen Madden.

UnicornSummary: Things go horribly wrong when a man (Jason Sudeikis) gives his girlfriend (Nasim Pedrad) a unicorn for her birthday.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 20

09t: Gabourey Sidibe / MGMT

Mrs. Johnson

Boy 1…..Kenan Thompson
Boy 2…..Fred Armisen
Mrs. Johnson…..Gabourey Sadibe

[ open on tentament stoop, night ]

Boy 1: Ah, man! You shoulda SEEN Tyrell, man! He booked it out of there so fast!

Boy 2: And it was just a squirrel?

Boy 1: Yeah, it was like a tiny baby squirrel, man! And Tyrell was, like, “Ahhhhhhh!!” [ he laughs ]

[ reveal Mrs. Johnson leaning out of her first-story window ]

Mrs. Johnson: Keep it down out there! It’s the middle of the night, and some of us are trying to SLEEP!!

Boy 1: Ah, leave us alone, Mrs. Johnson!

Mrs. Johnson: Mmm-hmm. Now GET ON OUTTA HERE!!

[ she retreats inside her apartment ]

Boy 1: That’s old Mrs. Johnson, man. She’s just crazy!

Boy 2: Yeah. Sounds like it.

Boy 1: Yeah. Hey! Did you see the Yankee game today?

Boy 2: Aw, Andy Pettite is just DOMINATING this season! Right?

[ Mrs. Johnson pokes her head out of her window ]

Mrs. Johnson: HEY!! I said keep it down! Besides, Andy Pettite can’t sus-sing — can’t… sustain a low ERA if he keep walking so many ballots!

Boy 1: Would you relax, Mrs. Johnson?

Mrs. Johnson: Mmm-hmm. Now GET ON OUT OF HERE!!

[ she retreats inside her apartment ]

Boy 1: Pshhh! Man, she’s just a crazy lady talkin’ nonsense!

Boy 2: Yeah. Wanna go get a slice over at Marco’s?

Boy 1: Aw, HELL yeah! You know what makes their pizza great? The cru-ust!

[ Mrs. Johnson pokes her head out of her window ]

Mrs. Johnson: HEY!! It ain’t the crust, it’s the sauce! They use real San Rosana tomatoes from the volcanic soil of Mount Visuvius!

Boy 1: Ohhhh, hush up!

Mrs. Johnson: Mmm-hmm. Now GET ON AWAY FROM HERE!!

[ she retreats inside her apartment ]

Boy 1: Kooky, Mrs. Johnson, man! You know, I heard that she was chained up in there. Because, one time she escaped and ran down to City Hall and was exposing all kinds of corruption. And then she introduced sme bill to revolutionize the tax code. Just CRAZY stuff, man!

Boy 2: Yeah… Hey, is that crazy? I mean, it sounds kind of smart, you know?

Boy 1: Hey, about this, man — you wanna go down to the dog track.

Boy 2: Yeah. I just got paid. Come on, let’s double up! [ they high-five ]

[ Mrs. Johnson pokes her head out of her window ]

Mrs. Johnson: HEY!! You should take that money, put it in a Roth IRA, and invest it in an international small cap mutual fund! Those stocks are 25% off their 52-week high — but their fundamentals are still impressive!

Boy 1: Mrs. Johnson!

Mrs. Johnson: Mmm-hmm. NOW GET FROM AROUND HERE!!

[ she retreats inside her apartment ]

Boy 1: Man, that lady belongs in a MENTAL hospital!

Boy 2: Ah, I don’t know, man… she seems to know a lot of stuff.

Boy 1: Pfft! A lot of stuff about being a loon!

Mrs. Johnson: A loon is a medium-sized water bird! NOT to be confused with a seagull! NOWwWW GEEETTTT!!!

[ she retreats inside her apartment ]

Boy 1: You see what I’m saying?

[ Boy 2 nods ]

Mrs. Johnson: If you see what you’re saying… you might be suffering from a condition known as Synesthesia! NOW GEEETTTT GOING!!!

[ she retreats inside her apartment ]

Boy 2: You know… she might be less of a crazy person and more of a, you know, like, a genius.

Mrs. Johnson: According to the Greek philosopher Aristotle, there was never a genius without a tinge of madness. NOWWWW GEEETTTTTT!!!!

Boy 1: Mrs. Johnson!

Mrs. Johnson: Johnson is derived from the Hebrew word “Yohanan”, meaning “Gift of God.” LEAVE ME BE, NOWWW!!!

Boy 1: Mrs. Johnson!

Mrs. Johnson: WHAT?!!

Boy 1: How in the HELL do you KNOW all this stuff?!

[ flashback music pots up, as Mrs. Johnson develops a wistful stance ]

Mrs. Johnson: My Daddy used to sell Wikipedias.

Boy 2: But, Mrs. Johnson, you can get Wikipedia online for free.

Mrs. Johnson: I know. That’s why we was always so poor.

Both Boys: Ohhhhhhhhh….

Mrs. Johnson: Yeah. Really puts things into perspective. Maybe I’m not so crazy after all. NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KILL YOU!!!!

Boy 1: Oh, hell!

[ the boys jump to their feet and run down the street ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 20

09t: Gabourey Sidibe / MGMT

An SNL Digital Short

…..Gabourey Sidibe
…..Andy Samberg

FADE IN:

TITLE: CHERRY BATTLE

MUSIC: JAPANESE FEUDAL

[ Several streams of lasers swirl in a black abyss. Two swirling streams DISSOLVE to Andy & Gabourey. Both are in samurai kimonos. Their bodies pivot to be face-to-face. Andy places a maraschino cherry in his mouth. Gabourey grimaces, points and shouts at him. Andy fires the cherry at Gabourey. ]

[ Gabourey tilts her head to catch the cherry in her mouth but Andy fires one after another. Gabourey continues to catch every one despite Andy’s rapid firing. Andy arches his eyebrow and gets in the ready position as Gabourey fires back all the cherries he shot at her. Andy catches them all as Gabourey laughs at him. Andy bends his back and fires one cherry with all his might. Gabourey’s faces turns to horror. ]

[ The one cherry Andy has fired has black dots for eyes and a small mouth. It’s singing in the octave of a soprano. Gabourey tries to catch the cherry but she misses. The cherry screams as it falls and splatters to the ground. Both turn to the CAMERA and bow. ]

TITLE: CHERRY BATTLE

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts