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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Darrell…..Charles Barkley

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
He took a couple months off and did a lot of soul-searching!
MacGruber!
He spent some time in Africa and learned about their culture!
MacGruber!
He’s Facebook friends with Spike Lee!”

[CUT to MacGyver signing Spike Lee’s Facebook page.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to heroin czar headquarters. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Heroin Czar Headquarters.” CUT to a sign marked “Heroin Czar Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Darrell: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door won’t budge!

Vicky: There’s MORE, MacGruber! That ticking time bomb is set to blow in twenty seconds!!

[ reveal MacGruver dressed in an African dashiki ]

MacGruber: Okay, look — before we start here, I’ve got something I want to say. [ Darrell looks on ] THe road towards enlightment takes many turns. Unfortunately, mine took me straight to you, Dar-rell.

Darrell: That’s Darrell.

MacGruber: And it is with GREAT pleasure… that I announce that, in two Mondays, for the FIRST time ever, we will be taking the day off to celebrate the life of a man I consider to be my PERSONAL hero — Dr. Martin Rufus King.

Darrell: That’s Luther.

MacGruber: D’oh! Right! Luther! You’re Rufus.

Darrell: I’m Darrell.

MacGruber: Whatever. Look —

Vicky: Fifteen seconds.

MacGruber: I know I have a ways to go, Dar-rell… but I’m headed in the right direction. So, put ‘er there!

[ MacGruber extends his hand; Darrell looks on, unsure; Vicky smiles ]

[ unfortunately, Darrell goes for it ]

MacGruber: [ panicking ] Agghh!! HE’S GOT A GUN!!

[ MacGruber zaps Darrell with Mace once again ]

[CUT to the heroin czar headquarters exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Darrell…..Charles Barkley

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
His haemless little joke really got him into trouble!
MacGruber!
He had to take some [bleep]ing class because of stupid corporate bull[bleep]!
MacGruber!
He makes his jokes in private now!”

[CUT to MacGruber telling a private joke to Vicky as Darrell walks up, against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to insurgent cave system. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Insurgent Cave System.” CUT to a sign marked “Cave Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Darrell: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door is welded shut!

Vicky: That’s not all, MacGruber! By the looks of this chemical bomb, we’ve got exactly 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, gang! And, when I say “gang”, I’m not insinuating that anyone here is a Crip or a Blood, or in any other Black gang. Or a White gang — Whites could have gangs, too. Right, Dar-rell?

Darrell: IT’S DARRELL!!!

MacGruber: Sho ’nuff! But, look — If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the sensitivity training classes that I was forced to go to… it’s that, regardless of the color of our skins, we can all… work… together!

Vicky: Ten seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, uhh — Vicky! Hand me that screw!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, Dar-rell — respectfully — hand me that pen.

Darrell: [ looking down ] Which pen?

MacGruber: That one! Right there!

[ reveal three pens — yellow, red, and black ]

Darrell: I can’t tell which one you’re pointing at! Be more specific!

MacGruber: That one! The — uh — uh — African-American pen!

Darrell: What?!

MacGruber: I’m sorry! The — uh — Negro pen? [ Darrell frowns ] Uhhh — Begro-American pen?

Darrell: Just call it a BLACK pen!

MacGruber: Oh! So now it’s fly and rap to call it a Black pen? But, earlier, it was square?

Darrell: Here! Just take the pen! [ he forces the black pen over to MacGruber ]

MacGruber: [ panicking ] HE’S GOT A GUN!!!

[ MacGruber zaps Darrell with Mace ]

Vicky: MACGRUBER!!

MacGruber: What?! He — he charged me! He’s obviously on PCP! I mean, look at his eyes, they’re all bloodshot!

Vicky: You MACED him!!

Darrell: You are SUCH a RACIST!!

MacGruber: I am NOT a racist!!

Vicky: Three seconds, MacGruber!!

MacGruber: Okay, okay! Vicky! Hand me that Chinese pen! Uh — uh — that Asian pen — the yellow pen! [ he pauses ] I’m a racist…

[CUT to the cave exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

MacGruber

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Darrell…..Charles Barkley

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
He has a Black employee now!”

[CUT to MacGruber and Darrell in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a chemical weapons steamer. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Chemical Weapons Steamer.” CUT to a sign marked “Steamer Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Darrell: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is magnet shut! We’re trapped!!

Vicky: That’s not our ONLY problem, MacGruber! From the looks of that nitrogen bomb, we’ve only got 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Don’t worry, Vicky. Chill, Dar-rell. You’ll have plenty of time to relax — and to chill, Dar-rell — once we get out of here — once we scram, Dar-rell.

Darrell: It’s pronounced Darrell.

MacGruber: [ he chuckles heartily ] Oh, like a White Darrell?

Vicky: Ten seconds, MacGruber!

MacGyver: Okay! Uh — Vicky — hand me that Allen wrench!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Dar-rell!

Darrell: DARRELL!!

MacGruber: Funk me over that copper wire! Outta sight?

Darrell: [ he hands it over ] It’s Darrell.

MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! Hand me that stir stick!

Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Dar-rell!

Darrell: It’s DARRELL!!

MacGruber: Jab me over that fly shoelace! You dig?

Darrell: [ he hands it over ] MacGruber, I don’t know if this is working out…

MacGruber: That reminds me of a good joke. [ Vicky shakes her head No ] What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Black…?

Darrell: MacGruber…

MacGruber: Excuse me — a Black African-American. Mo’ better?

Darrell: Y-yeah. Mo’ better.

MacGruber: Okay. If you cross a Mexican with a Black African-American, and a Jew, and a woman… what do you get?

[ Darrell and Vicky are silent ]

MacGruber: I don’t know! But I sure don’t want that person to move in next door to m–

[CUT to the chemical weapons steamer exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

Goodnights

…..Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley: Hey! I want to give a special thanks to Ms. Alicia Keys! It’s been a great week with you guys. Thank y’all for coming, and thanks again.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

Barkley’s Bank

Announcer…..Bill Hader
…..Charles Barkley
Elderly Husband…..Fred Armisen
Elderly Wife…..Jenny Slate

Announcer: Barclay’s Bank. For over 150 years, Barclay’s Bank has offered services tailored to specifically meet the services of its customers worldwide. With financial strategies that reflect the financial spectrum—

INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICE

[ Former Phoenix Suns MVP CHARLES BARKLEY, in a swank suit & tie, is reclined in a large, leather chair. ]

Charle sBarkley: BO-RING! Hi, I’m Charles Barkley. And if you’re looking for a new way to manage your money, perhaps you should try Barkley’s Bank.

EXT. SHOT OF BARKLEY’S BANK AND ITS LOGO IN TURQUOISE GREEN WITH THE FACE OF CHARLES.

Charles Barkley: At Barkley’s Bank, it’s simple — I promise you I’m going to do two things — I’m either going to double it or lose it all. And that’s a promise.

INT. STUDIO

An ELDERLY COUPLE are seated side-by-side, holding hands.

Elderly Husband: We we’re planning on retirement and heard Barkley had doubled the money on some friends of ours.

Elderly Wife: We gave a large sum of money to Barkley’s Bank and the only question he had was “What’s your favorite color?”

Elderly Husband: We said blue, but then he clarified and said “What’s your favorite color between black or red.”

Elderly Wife: We said black, and 10 minutes later he called to say that our life savings was gone.

Elderly Husband: Very nice guy. Very honest.

INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICE

Charles Barkley: Hey! You win some you lose some. That’s our motto.

[ The camera pans out to show more of Barkley’s Bank, but due to time constraints, the Barkley’s Bank logo appears then fades to a commercial break. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

January 9th, 2010

Charles Barkley

Alicia Keys

None

Lorne Michaels

Jessi Klein

John Lutz

Hannibal Buress

The Situation RoomSummary: Wolf Blitzer (Jason Sudeikis) calls attention to a disjointed United States-Yemen joint press conference between General David Petraeus (Will Forte) and Ali Abdullah Saleh (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, David Petraeus.

Montage

Charles Barkley’s MonologueSummary: Charles Barkley tears the audience apart while assuring them that he’s a brutally honest guy who doesn’t hold anything back.

Transcript

Thomas Peepers InsuranceSummary: Insurance representative (Bill Hader) will keep a watchful eye on your family, night and day.

Transcript

Reel QuotesSummary: Game show contestants (Charles Barkley, Kristen Wiig) are unable to complete the world’s most familiar and obvious movie quotes.

Transcript

MacGruber ISummary: MacGruber’s (Will Forte) racist jokes don’t go over well with Darrell (Charles Barkley).

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Sexy ShanaSummary: Shana (Kristen Wiig) at a ski lodge.

Recurring Characters: Shana.

Transcript

MacGruber IISummary: After being forced to take racial sensitivity training, MacGruber (Will Forte) tries to avoid using the word “Black” — in any context whatsoever — around Darrell (Charles Barkley).

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Inside the NBASummary: Kevin Harlan (Jason Sudeikis) and Charles Barkley are joined in the booth by Danny Hoover (Andy Samberg), the Make-a-Wish recipient who suffers from OCD — Overwhelming Corpse Disease.

Recurring Characters: Danny Hoover.

MacGruber IIISummary: After visiting Africa to get in touch with his inner Negro, MacGruber (Will Forte) smoothes things over with Darrell (Charles Barkley), but still manages to overreact.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Alicia Keys performs “Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: James Carville (Bill Hader) rebuts the Republican response on the Christmas bombing attack. Nicholas Cage (Andy Samberg) rambles while discussing his newly-appointed duties as Goodwill Ambassador on Drugs & Crime. Gov. David Paterson (Fred Armisen) comments on his angry State on the State address and continues to make fun of New Jersey.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, Nicholas Cage, Gov. David Paterson.

The Haney ProjectSummary: Hank Haney (Jason Sudeikis) tries to help Charles Barkley improve his golf swing by examining his humorous ineptitude while performing other normal tasks.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Alicia Keys makes a drunken “Booty Call” to Lionel (Andy Samberg).

Alicia Keys performs “Empire State of Mind”

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmate Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and his father (Charles Barkley) try to scare another trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight via obscure movie references.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

Barkley’s BankSummary: Charles Barkley’s investment plan is simple — he’ll apply it to his personal gambling habit to ensure that you’ll either double yout money or lose it altogether.

Note: This sketch ran short on time during the live broadcast.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Devil or AngelSummary: When a sports fan (Jason Sudeikis) bets on a ball game, an Angel (Kenan Thompson) and a Devil (Charles Barkley) appear on his shoulders to offer counsel.

Small TalkSummary: Kristen Chenoweth (Nasim Pedrad) chats about her petite size on her new talk show.

Grief CounselorSummary: Grief counselor (Charles Barkley) tries to cheer up an office staff.

SNL Transcripts

`

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 10

09j: James Franco / Muse

Mark Wahlberg Talks to Christmas Animals

Announcer…..Don Pardo
Mark Wahlberg…..Andy Samberg

FADE IN:

CUT TO: RED & GREEN HOLIDAY GRAPHIC — “MARK WAHLBERG TALKS TO CHRISTMAS ANIMALS”

Announcer: And now, Mark Wahlberg talks to Christmas Animals!!

MARK WAHLBERG stands dead center, wearing a Santa hat with his cargo jacket attire.

Mark Wahlberg: Hey, I’m Mark Wahlberg. You guys know me! Right? Yeah! Let’s go talk to some Christmas animals.

[ A sheep scans its head back and forth. Mark kneels down to it. ]

Mark Wahlberg: Hey sheep! How’s it going? I like your fur. You were at the first Christmas, right? Did you know it was going to be a big thing?

[ The sheep continues to scan. ]

Mark Wahlberg: Okay. It was GREAT TO MEET YOU. Say hi to your mother for me, okay?

[ Mark stands up and goes to a partridge. ]

Mark Wahlberg: Now I’m going to talk to a partridge.

[ Mark struts to the partridge. ]

Mark Wahlberg: Hey partridge! How’s it hanging? Where’s your pear tree!?

[ Mark turns to his left. There’s a pear tree next to him. ]

Mark Wahlberg: Oh! There’s it is. So you were in that song “The 12 Days of Christmas?” I was in “The Happening”. Did you see that movie?

[ The partridge faces its head down. ]

Mark Wahlberg: Okay. Talk to you later, partridge.

[ Mark moves over to a snowman. ]

Mark Wahlberg: Now I’m going to talk to a snowman. Hey snowman! It’s nice to see you. How did you get in here with all these animals!? You’re not an animal!? YOU’RE A MAN!

[ The camera stays on the snowman for a beat or two. ]

Mark Wahlberg: I like your stick hands. I have real hands. But we can hang out! Just let me know. Say hi to your mother from me.

[ Mark moves over to a reindeer with a big, red nose. ]

Mark Wahlberg: Now I’m going to talk to Rudolph. Long time, no see? I’m thinking of making an Entourage movie. You like that idea? Hey, Rudolph. Next time, you talk to Santa, tell him I want an Amazon Kindle. Okay? You hear me, Rudolph?

[ “Rudolph” doesn’t make eye contact with Mark. ]

Mark Wahlberg: An Amazon Kindle. Say hi to your mother for me.

CUT TO: PREVIOUS HOLIDAY GRAPHIC — “MARK WAHLBERG TALKS TO CHRISTMAS ANIMALS”

Announcer: This has been – Mark Wahlberg talks to Christmas Animals.

OUT

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 10

09j: James Franco / Muse

Variety Vault

Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Katherine Hepburn…..Kristen Wiig
James Dean…..James Franco
Liberace…..Fred Armisen
Marilyn Monroe…..Abby Elliott

[ open on TV Land logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching TV Land — which means you are a cat, in an empty apartment.

[ dissolve to Vincent Price on black-and-white set. The crow perched on his shoulder wears a Santa hat. ]

Vincent Price: Hoooo! Hoooo! Hoooo! Christmas! For many, a time of cheer! For others, a cruel reminder that the bitter chill of Winter is upon us! The one night of the year when an intruder in bright red garb is greeted with joy! When ghosts… are often visited… [ smoke rises out of control, causing Price to choke ] Guys! Can we cut the smoke, please?! Just go to the package! Go to the package!

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: And now, Colgate presents “Vincent Price’s 1954 Christmas Special”. Now, please welcome your host, fresh from the River Styx, Vincent Price!

[ cut back to Vincent Price ]

Vincent Price: Tonight! A collection of guests will arrive, and together they will delve into the mystery that is… Secret Santa! [ thunder rumbles, the doorbell chimes ] Now, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the African Queen herself — Katherine Hepburn!

[ Price opens the door to Katherine Hepburn, who drags a tree inside ]

Katherine Hepburn: Hello, Vincent! I’m here! My Secret Santa gift is a tree! I’m telling you because I don’t care for secrets! It’s a Norway spruce that I cut down MYSELF in Connecticut!

Vincent Price: You dragged a tree from Connecticut to Burbank?

Katherine Hepburn: Oh, I don’t care for planes, Vincent, and I DESPISE trains! I like BRISK walks and GOOD exercise!

Vincent Price: Wow! So, you actually —

Katherine Hepburn: A good walk would do YOU some good, Vincent! LOOK at you, you could use some color in those cheeks!

Vincent Price: I — I —

Katherine Hepburn: Now, WHERE shall I put this? I need a good wicker tree basket! I don’t see one here. Well, fine! [ with that, she drags the tree across the set and leaves Price by himself ]

Vincent Price: [ snidely ] Nice talking to you! [ the doorbell chimes ] And now, our next guest! From the hit film, “East of Eden” — Mr. James Dean!

[ Price opens the door, as James Dean swaggers in ]

James Dean: Hey…

Vincent Price: Merry Christmas, James!

James Dean: I… guess.

Vincent Price: [ excited ] Did you bring a Secret Santa gift?

James Dean: Don’t tell me what to do!

Vincent Price: I’m not telling you anything…

James Dean: [ anguished ] YOU’RE ALWAYS HASSLING ME!!!

Vincent Price: WE JUST MET!! [ a beat ] Easy creasy…

[ Price perks up when hears piano music pot up ]

Vincent Price: Ah! That sound can only mean ONE thing! Please welcome the man, the music — LIBERACE!

[ cut to Liberace laughing gayly as he tickles the ivories ]

Liberace: Well! Hello there, Vincent! [ flirty ] Hi, James!

Vincent Price: Eaaaaaaasy! Did you bring a Secret Santa gift for us, Liberace?

Liberace: Well, YES, I did! [ he holds up a round ornament ] As you can see, I have this lovely Christmas ornament, that was given to me by President Batista during my last trip to Havana. In fact — [ he picks up a second ornament and holds them swinging ] I bought TWO of them! I prefer them in pairs, and I like them them in EVERY color except BLUE! [ he laughs ]

Vincent Price: WATCH IT!!!

[ he dangles the ornaments in front of Dean ] Does this do anything for you, James?

James Dean: I don’t know! I don’t know ANYTHING any more! I’m SO confused!

Liberace: That’s a start! Come on, sit down!

[ Dean sits next to Liberace on the piano bench ]

Vincent Price: Full court press, huh, Liberace? Katherine, how are we doing with the tree?

Katherine Hepburn: I got a problem, Vincent! My Norway spruce has a stowaway!

[ a raccoon is perched on the side of the tree ]

Vincent Price: Y-you brought a wild animal onto the set?!

[ the raccoon has now latched onto Hepburn’s neck, as she struggles ]

Katherine Hepburn: He’s got some fight in him!

Vincent Price: Uh — uh — hotchi motchi! Let’s take a commercial break while we sort this out!

[ cut to commercial ]

Marilyn Monroe: I’m Marilyn Monroe! And when I get blue — I reach for a box of Asbestos! [ she tosses the flakes into the air and lets it drop like snow ] Mmmm… Asbestos! It’s as-best-os can be!

[ return to Price still struggling with Hpeburn and the raccoon ]

Vincent Price: Please, just — [ he looks at the camera ] Oh, we’re back already?! Whose four-second Asbestos commercial?

[ Hepburn suddenly snaps the raccoon’s neck ]

Katherine Hepburn: I killed it, I did!

Vincent Price: Katherine, you’ve been bit!

Katherine Hepburn: Oh, that doesn’t bother me! I’ve got a strong constitution because I drink good, COLD water and I do a hundred SQUAT THRUSTS a day! I’m gonna go treat this bite and bury this DEAD animal! [ she saunters off ]

Vincent Price: Very good. Very Christmasy. [ he taps his fingers nervously on Liberace’s piano ]

Liberace: Why don’t you sing with me, James?

James Dean: [ whining ] Aw, I don’t sing!

Liberace: [ singing ] “Deck the halls with boughs of holly…”

James Dean: Just TRY it!

Together: “Fa, la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la!”

James Dean: I — I like that! I guess I should try new things more often!

Liberace: Well… [ grinning ] Merry Christmas to ME!! [ he laughs ]

Vincent Price: What, you just want people to know? Is that your deal these days? [ changing the subject ] Kate, are you okay?

[ cut to Hepburn frothing at the mouth ]

Vincent Price: Okaaaaaayyy, Katherine has rabies! Wonderful. Let’s end this thing. [ reciting ] “As the Magi brought gifts in ancient times, so, too, have we brought you holiday cheer, with a touch of the macabre.” My thanks to Katherine Hepburn — [ reveal empty space on set ] Annnnnd she’s gone. My thanks to James Dean and Liberace — [ reveal Dean seated alone on piano bench, breathing heavily ] Is Liberace gone, too?

[ suddenly, Liberace hands raises from underneathe piano and signals ]

liberace: Still here!

Vincent Price: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!! NOOOO!! GO TO A COMMERCIAL!!!

[ Hepburn’s froth-covered ace jumps up in the foreground ]

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been “Vincent Price’s Christmas Special”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 10

09j: James Franco / Muse

Sigma Lambda Omega

James……James Franco
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan

[Intro: a shot of the outside of the Sigma Lambda Omega frat house. Written along the bottom of the screen is “Sigma Lambda Omega – 4:30 PM.”]

[Cut to: inside the frat house, where a pledge is on his knees blindfolded and three frat members are yelling at him.]

Jason: On your knees pledge!

James: Take off that blindfold!

Bobby: Yeah, welcome to hell week!

Andy: Guys, I really gotta go study for a final.

Bobby: Sigmas don’t study, frosh!

Jason: Yeah! Now, what does this sweatshirt say?!

Andy: Sigma Lambda Omega!

[Bobby holds up a paddle.]

Bobby: And what does this paddle say?

Andy: Brotherhood is strength!

[James hands Andy a pamphlet.]

James: And what does this say?

Andy: Uh..this is some kind of menu.

James: Okay! [He hands Andy a piece of paper.] What about this?! What does this say?!

Jason: Read it!

Andy: Uh…this is a water bill.

Bobby: What does it say?!

Andy: Uh…it says you owe the company $42 and you already have 300.

Jason: Put those together!

Bobby: So it becomes one number!

[Andy looks confused]

Andy: You mean add them? It’s $342.

James: All right. Now do this one! [He hands Andy another piece of paper.]

Jason: Do it!

Bobby: What does it say?!

Andy: All right. Uh…it’s a letter from your mom. [Andy stands up.] It says “Dear, Travis. I’m starting to suspect you cannot read. Please come home.”

Jason, James, and Bobby: On your knees! Get on your knees!

Andy: So wait….what are your guys’ majors?

Bobby: Sigmas don’t have majors. The only class we take is “Kicking Ass 101.”

James: Yeah.

Jason: Yeah! Guess what you get to do ’cause you got such a smart mouth?! You gotta crawl over here and you gotta tie my shoe.

James: But, that’s not all! You can explain what you’re doing as you do it.

Jason: Yeah.

Bobby: Yeah! [Pointing to Jason’s shoe.] Explain how you do it!

Jason: Yeah, do it and explain it at the same time now!

[Andy shuffles over to Jason on his knees.]

Andy: Okay, okay. [He takes Jason’s shoelaces.] So I take this lace and cross it with this lace.

Jason: Yeah, slower freshman! And do it again!

Andy: Alright, so you take the left loop –

James: Left! Oh, so you need to know right and left stuff?

Andy: Oh wow…

Jason, James and Bobby: Get on your knees, pledge! On your knees!

Andy: I’m on my knees.

Jason: Good, ’cause it’s time for a pop quiz!

Bobby: Yeah, get it right [he smacks the paddle] or pay the price!

[All three get real close to Andy.]

James: A baby’s inside a mommy’s tummy –

Jason: That’s right.

James: – and then, all of a sudden, the baby’s at home. Explain that.

[Andy wipes away saliva from the right side of his cheek as the audience laughs.]

Andy: Well, uh, the mommy goes to the hospital and goes into labor, which means she’s dilated, okay?

[The three frat members look confused.]

Andy: You know, uh, a stork brings the baby to mommy.

Jason, James and Bobby: Yeah, yeah.

Bobby: I like that one!

James: Good answer.

Andy: Aww, it must be hard for you guys –

Bobby: [with fist clenched] The only thing that’s hard is this punch I can do.

Andy: Aww.

Jason, James and Bobby: On your knees! Get on your knees, pledge!

Jason: [grabbing a can] Yeah, you gotta chug this beer now!

[Jason gives the can to Andy.]

Andy: This is not a beer.

[The three frat members look confused.]

James: What does it say?

Andy: [looking at the can] Diet Coke.

James: I thought it said Lite Beer!

Bobby: Yeah! It’s Lite Beer because it’s four letters, a space, and then four letters.

Jason: Yeah, four space four!

Andy: Okay, okay. But there are all different kinds of letters.

Jason: You…you…

[The three are confused yet again.]

Bobby: But…

Jason: How the…

Andy: You know what guys, I’m gonna head out. I don’t really want to pledge this frat anymore.

[The three look annoyed.]

James: There’s only one way to get out of here in one piece. THE GAUNTLET!

Andy: What’s that?

Jason: You gotta answer like a bunch of questions that we have! [He points to his buddies.]

Andy: Okay, go ahead.

James: When the TV stops, where do the tiny people go and are they okay?

Bobby: Yeah, yeah. When thunder happens, who is mad at who?!

James: What’s an Obama?

Jason: What is it?

Andy: All right, that’s a lot of questions, you guys.

Jason: Aww, what’s the matter? Did we scare the little baby?

James: Yeah, you wanna go back to your stork?

Jason: Yeah, from earlier.

[James and Jason high five each other.]

[Andy is smiling and shaking his head.]

Andy: Um…okay, okay. I’ll answer your questions. It might take a little while though.

James: Well, um, should we get on our knees?

Andy: Yes, that’d be great.

[Andy walks over to the couch and sits down as the three frat members kneel down in front of him.]

Andy: Okay, first off, the little TV people are just fine…

Jason, James and Bobby: Ah yeah!

[The outside of the frat house is shown again.]

[Fade out.]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 10

09j: James Franco / Muse

The Manuel Ortiz Show

Manuel Ortiz….Fred Armisen
Angie Cruz….Jenny Slate
Lou Gonzalez….James Franco
Leza Dominguez….Kristen Wiig
Ramona Gonzalez….Nasim Pedrad
Lucas Gonzalez….Bobby Moynihan
Miguel….Kenan Thompson

Announcer: You are watching Telecentro TV Dominicana. At 6:00 p.m., a rerun of an old Miss Universe Pageant. Followed by an even older Miss Universe Pageant. But first, The Manuel Ortiz Show.

[Manuel Ortiz Show logo]

[Manuel Ortiz has a blue suit, mustache, sits on a couch in his tv studio]

Manuel Ortiz: Hola and welcome to my show. I am Manuel Ortiz and I am here to help you with whatever it is you’re going through. And if I cannot, I’m very, very sorry. My first guest has concerns about her boyfriend. Please welcome, Angie Cruz.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel gets up and dances with Angie the merengue, couple of steps and whips head to the side for a few seconds. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: Welcome to the show.

Angie Cruz: Gracias, Manuel.

Manuel Ortiz: Talk to me. Your boyfriend, what are your concerns?

Angie Cruz: I’m concerned that my boyfriend is cheating on me.

Manuel Ortiz: And do you have proof of your concerns?

Angie Cruz: No. I do not.

Manuel Ortiz: Well, why don’t we bring out your boyfriend, Lou Gonzalez.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Angie and Lou dance the merengue. Couple of steps, whip head to the side for a few seconds. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: Lou Gonzalez, do you know why you are here?

Lou Gonzalez: No, no! Maybe. No.

Manuel Ortiz: Perhaps this will help you understand. Let’s bring out your co-worker, Leza Dominguez.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Angie, Lou and Leza dance the merengue. Couple of steps, whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: Leza, is there anything you need to say to anyone here?

Leza Dominguez: Yes. Do you remember the night your boyfriend went out for arroz con pollo?

Angie Cruz: Yes.

Leza Dominguez: He was con me.

Angie Cruz: You lied to me! How could you do this?!

Lou Gonzalez: I didn’t lie! I went out for arroz con pollo, I just didn’t tell you what happened after.

Leza Dominguez: This is too much for me. I’ve hurt too many people. I’m sorry Manuel. I have to go.

[Merengue music plays]

[Leza leaves, Manuel, Angie and Lou dance the merengue. Couple of steps, whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: And Angie, how do you feel?

Angie Cruz: Disappointed. I feel disappointed.

Manuel Ortiz: [to Lou] Do you know who else is disappointed? Your mother and father. Let’s bring them out, Ramona and Lucas Gonzalez.

[Merengue music plays. Manuel, Angie, Lou and his parents Ramona and Lucas dance the merengue. Couple of steps , whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: So, what do you think of your son’s behavior?

Ramona Gonzalez: [out of breath] I need…I can’t catch my breath! Ay!

Manuel Ortiz: Ok. What about you?

Lucas Gonzalez: Oh, one second. [puffing] Ay, my side hurts!

Manuel Ortiz: Maybe you need some water. Miguel, get the Gonzales some water please.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Angie, Lou and Lou’s parents Ramona and Lucas dance the merengue. They are joined by Miguel holding two glasses of water. Couple of steps, whips head to the side. Music stops]

Miguel: Is the tap water ok?

Lucas Gonzalez: This is from the faucet?

Miguel: Yes.

Lucas Gonzalez: Do you have the bottled water?

Miguel: Do we?

Manuel Ortiz: I think we do.

Miguel: I’ll be right back.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Angie, Lou, Ramona and Lucas dance the merengue. Miguel dances as he goes for bottled water. Couple of steps and whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: I’ve been told that we need to go to commercial. Hopefully when we return Miguel will find the Gonzalez’s some Poland Spring. And we’ll be to help Angie and her boyfriend mend their relationship. If not, I’m very, very sorry.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Angie, Lou and his parents dance merengue. Miguel appears while dancing merengue with two Poland Springs]

Announcer: Stay tuned. We’ll be right back with more Manuel Ortiz.

[The Manuel Ortiz logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted: by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts