SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

An SNL Digital Short: Pep Talk

Manager…..Fred Armisen
Tia…..Amy Poehler
Brad…..Matthew Fox
Jordan…..Kenan Thompson
Pete…..Andy Samberg
Will…..Will Forte

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to interior, fast food restaurant decorated for Christmas. The Manager exits his office to stand before a meeting with his four staff members. ]

Manager: Alright, guys. The holiday season is upon us, and, since we’re so close to the mall, it means we’re gonna get a lot more foot traffic. So, I kind of need you guys to work as a team.

Tia: [ bored, half-asleep ] Is this why you brought us in here at tne o’clock in the morning?

Manager: Tia, I really need your full attention here. This is really important. [ a beat ] I’m going to aks you guys to start working double shifts.

Brad: Drew? You couldn’t have just put that on the schedule?

Manager: Brad? Two seconds: I’m over there, I’m taking you down! Two seconds!

[ Brad just stares at the Manager without saying a word ]

Manager: Where was I? Uh – they’re gonna discontinue the Santa Fe Sandwich.. but we still have them, so, uh.. pretty much, on the register, just press, uh, medium fries twice, that should work.

Jordan: But.. what if somebody wants two medium fries?

Manager: Jordan! [ slaps his manual on the table ] I swear to God! Five seconds: I’m over this chair, I’m in your face, and I’m kicking you in the chest!

Jordan: But I just asked a question!

Manager: Jordan! It’s going to happen! Now, uh, let’s talk a little about the, uh, the drive-thru.

Pete: [ raises his hand ] That’s me.

Manager: Pete! One second: one punch, BACK of the head! ONE SECOND!!

Brad: Drew. No one’s arguing with you. We all like to work here. We just.. can’t function when you communicate with us like this.

Pete: Yeah.

Jordan: Right.

Tia: Yeah.

Manager: Okay. I see what you’re saying. ‘Cause I was thinking maybe a ltitle bit more like: BRAD! Seven seconds: I’m grabbing you by the collar, your face is in the deep fryer!

Brad: What?!

Manager: PETE! Two seconds: I pull out your eyes, and they’re going in the garbage!

Pete: Why?!

Manager: JORDAN! Twenty seconds: I’m over there, I’m gonna rip out oyur jaw!

Jordan: [ incredulous ] Twenty seconds?

Manager: TIA! Half-second: my ass is in your mouth!

Tia: What?

Manager: Twenty-nine-and-a-half seconds, and you’re ALL gone! This is BEYOND a threat!! It’s a PROMISE!!

Tia: Drew, what’s going on with you, man?

Manager: [ twists his arms over his head and grits his teeth with a whimper ] I don’t know! I have an anger problem, I don’t know how to control it – you guys are my only friends, I’m sorry!

Brad: Drew, it’s alright. We’re all here for you, buddy.

Manager: [ calms himself down ] Thanks.

Will: [ enters the restaurant ] Sorry I’m late, guys, what did I miss?

[ the Manager clenches his fist and shakes in great distress while growling, until his head finally explodes. The staff reacts with jerk reactions ]

[ reveal the headless body of the Manager. No, wait – it’s a dummy! The real Manager picks himself up from the floor. ]

Manager: Okay, guys. Enough fun and games. Let’s get back to work.

[ cut to “Lost”-style title card that read: “Happy Holidays” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Akon performs “I Wanna Love You”

…..Annette Bening
…..Akon

Annette Bening: Ladies and gentlemen, Akon.

Akon: (singing)
“Convict…Music…and you know we up front.

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you, you already know
I wanna love you, you already know.

Shorty, I can see you ain’t lonely
Handful of brothers and they all got cheese
See you lookin’ at me now what it’s gon’ be
Just another tease far as I can see
Tryna get you up out this club if it means spendin’ a couple dubs
Throwin’ bout 30 stacks in the back make it rain like that cause I’m far from a scrub
And you know my pedigree, ex-deala use to move phetamines
Girl I spend money like it don’t mean nothing and besides I got a thing for you.

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor,
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you, you already know
I wanna love you, you already know girl

Girl, and while you’re looking at me I’m ready to hit the caddy
Right up on the patio move the patty to the caddy
Baby you got a phatty, the type I like to marry
Wantin’ to just give you everything and that’s kinda scary
Cause I’m loving the way you shake your — (okay!)
Booty bouncin’, got me tippin’ my glass
Normally don’t get caught up too fast (What!)
But I got a thing for you

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor,
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you, you already know
I wanna love you, you already know

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor,
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you, you already know
I wanna love you, you already know

(music dies)

I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on the floor,
I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know
I wanna love you (tell em’, Akon!), you already know
I wanna love you, you already know

Girl…”

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Gwen Stefani performs “Wind it Up”

…..Annette Bening
…..Gwen Stefani

Annette Bening: Ladies and gentlemen, Gwen Stefani.

(cheers and applause)

(Annette Bening stands with female look-alike dancers behind her, male dancers behind the female dancers, and male drummers stand at the very back)

Gwen Stefani: (singing)
“High on the hill with the lonely goatherd, lay-od-lay-od-lay-he-hoo
Yodell back with the girl and goatherd, lay-od-lay-od-low

Wind it up
Wind it up, uh, uh,
Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low

(Yeah)
This is the key that makes us wind up
When the beat comes on, the girls all line up
And the boys all look, but no, they can’t touch
But the girls want to know why boys like us so much

They like the way we dance, they like the way we work
They like that way that L.A.M.B. is going ‘cross my shirt
They like the way my pants, it compliments my shape (She’s crazy, right?)
They like the way we react everytime we dance

Everytime the bass bangs, re-alize it calls your name
Let the beat wind you up, and don’t stop till your time is up
Get in line now

Uh, uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, (Come on) uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low

You’ve got to let the beat get under your skin
You’ve got to open up, and let it all in
But see, once it gets in, the poppin’ begins
And then you find out, why all the boys stare

See, they’re trying to bite our style
Trying to study our approach
They like the way we do it, so original
I guess that they are slow, so they should leave the room
This beat is for the clubs, and cars that go

Everytime the bass bangs, re-alize it calls your name
Let the beat wind you up, and don’t stop till your time is up
Get in line now

Uh, uh, uh, wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
(Ya’ll ready)

Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low

Uh uh huh, it’s your moment
Uh huh, come on girl, you know you own it
Uh huh, you know your key is still tick-tockin’
Hell yeah, and you know they’re watchin’

Get it girl, get it, get it girl
Get it girl, get it, get it girl
To the front, to the side,
To the back, but don’t let him ride

Keep goin’ girl, it’s your night
Don’t let him steal your light
I know he thinks you’re fine and stuff
But does he know how to wind you up?
(Come on)

Uh, uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, Wind it up, Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low, hey!”

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Monster Under the Bed

Casey…..Amy Poehler
Mom…..Annette Bening
Dad…..Will Forte
The Monster…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, suburban home, night ]

[ dissolve to interior, Casey’s bedroom, as she breathes heavy with fear in the dark ]

Casey: Mom, Dad! Mom!

[ Mom and Dad enter the room, and turn on the lights ]

Mom: What is it, honey? What’s wrong?

Dad: Is everything okay?

Casey: I can’t sleep.

Dad: Well, why not?

Mom: Here – let’s get you tucked in, honey.

Casey: No, no! It’s just —

Mom: What is it? What?

Casey: [ at last ] There’s a monster underneath my bed.

[ Mom and Dad back up toward the door, suddenly paralyzed with great fear ]

Dad: What?!

Mom: What did she say? What did she just say –?

Dad: Wait! What did you just say?!

Casey: I said I think there’s a monster underneath my bed.

Dad: You THINK?! Or IS there?!

Mom: YES or NO?! This isn’t a game! [ grabs her hisband ] Oh, my God, Hank! What do we do?!

Dad: Everybody, get on the bed!! FEET OFF THE FLOOR!! NOW!!

[ Mom and Dad jump onto the bed with a single leap ]

Casey: AHH!! What?!

Dad: Casey, this is VERY important: How big is the monster?!

Casey: I don’t know, I-I didn’t actually see him —

Dad: Oh, my God – he’s invisible!

Mom: Or he’s a shape-shifter – he could be anything on this bed!

Dad: PILLOWS AND BLANKETS, OFF!! NOW!!

[ Mom and Dad fling all the pillows and blankets across the room with primal screams ]

Casey: Maybe – maybe – maybe we should just lseep in your bed tonight!

Mom: Oh, you don’t think the monster has already THOUGHT of that?! [ tries to calm herself down ] I’m sorry, baby. Why did you call us in here if you KNEW there was a monster?!

Dad: Everybody, stay calm! Okay, Casey – has the monster been here before? Does he know the layout of the house?

Casey: I don’t know, I —

Dad: We don’t have TIME for “I DON’T KNOW!!” OKAY?!!

Dad: There is a monster under your bed, and he’s going to EAT us, do you understand?! He is GOING to EAT US!!

Mom: CALL THE POLICE!! CALL THE POLICE!!

Dad: OHH!! I left my phone in the other room!! Casey, do you have the cell phnoe that Mmomy and Daddy gave you?

Casey: Yeah, it’s in my jacket — [ starts to crawl out of the bed ]

Mom: DON’T BE AN IDIOT, CASEY!!

Dad: STAY OFF THE FLOOR!! The mnoster’s visual accuity is based on MOTION!! If you step on that floor, you’re SIGNING OUR DEATH CERTIFICATES!!

Casey: You know, maybe it was just my imagination —

Mom: Why would you make that up? What kind of sick freak would make that up?!

Dad: We can’t AFFORD to be wrong on this, Casey!! Because if you’re wrong, we are DEAD! Your parents will be dead, nd you’ll live the rest of your life knowing that you KILLED them!

Casey: What if he’s a friendly monster?

Dad: [ chuckles heartily ] Oh, ho ho, yeah! What if he’s a friendly monster! Hey! Look at that shark! Maybe he’s a friendly shark! Oh, wait! He’s ripping my legs off! Thanks for the advice, Casey – Daddy’s got no legs!

Casey: Well, maybe it was just a nightmare. I ate a lot of chocolate before I went to sleep —

Dad: You what?!

Mom: You brought chocolate into the monster’s lair? YOU IDIOT!! [ grabs Casey’s throat and begins to strangle her ]

Dad: NO! Let her go! Let her go!

Casey: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

Dad: Yeah, I’d be sorry, too, if I had to sit on a bed and watch my parents get RAPED by a monster! Because it WILL happen!

Mom: [ weeping ] Don’t let us die like this, Hank! Don’t let us die!

Dad: Okay, there’s only one way out. [ pulls two pistols out of his robe, holds one up before Casey ] Do you know how to use this?

Casey: No.

Dad: God, you are dead weight, WHY dod we even send you to school?!

[ Mom grabs one of the pistols from Dad ]

Dad: Honey, if we don’t make it out of here alive, I just want you to know that I love you.

Mom: I love you, too.

Dad: Casey? I’ve gotta say.. I’m a little disappointed in you. Okay? So.. on the count of three, we run, okay? And DO NOT test me on this, I will LEAVE YOU HERE in a HEARTBEAT!! Okay?! Are we clear?!

Casey: YES, Dad!

Dad: Okay! 1! 2! 3!

[ Mom runs screaming out of the room, as Dad backs up while pointing his pistol in all directions. Casey calmly walks out of the room. ]

[ a moment or two later, Christmas music begins to play, as a Monster emerges from the closet ]

The Monster: [ singing ]
“Have a holly, jolly Christmas!
It’s the best tiiiiime of the year!
I don’t know, if there’ll be snow
but have a cup of cheer!”

[ suddenly, gunshots ring out. Dad and his family stand in the doorway as he unloads his ammunition into the Monster’s back. The monster stands there paralyzed, as the music stops abruptly. ]

The Monster: Whyyyyy?? [ collapses against the ned and onto the floor ]

Mom: [ smiles ] Oh! So predictable, huh?

Dad: See, Casey? He fell RIGHT into our trap.

Casey: [ frightened ] Yeah.. I guess..

Mom: Well, honey. I think it’s past your bedtime!

Dad: Yeah, get to sleep. We’ll clean that monster up in the morning.

Mom: Good night.

Dad: Good night.

[ Mom and Dad exit the bedroom and turn off the lights, leaving Casey and the dead monster alone in the dark ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Annette Bening’s Monologue

…..Annette Bening
Female Audience Member 1…..Kristen Wiig
Female Audience Member 2…..Amy Poehler
Female Audience Member 3…..Maya Rudolph
…..Alec Baldwin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Annette Bening!

Annette Bening: Thank you! Thank you SO much! It’s – it’s a real thrill to be here! [ exhales ] You know, recently I did a film with Alec Baldwin, and — [ audience claps ] Yeah, Alec – he would always tell me – he would always say, “You just have to host “Saturday Night Live”, you will have the time of your life!” And he would then go on saying how good he was at it, and how many times he’d done it, and then how good he was at it again, and then, eventually, I’d have to pretend to get a phone call or something. But, anyway, the point is: I’m here, and I would like to take this time to connect with the audience, so, uh – if anyone has any questions? [ Female Audience Member 1 stands ] Oh.

Female Audience Member 1: Hi, I-I just wanted to say that I loved the crazy real estate character you played in “American Beauty.”

Annette Bening: [ flattered ] Oh, I don’t know if she was crazy — [ audience applauds ] Thanks! No. I think she was more.. complicated?

Female Audience Member 1: Oh. Oh, it came off as crazy. Really crazy.

Annette Bening: Oh. Okay. [ laughs ] Uh — [ sees Female Audience Member 2 stand ] Oh! Yes? You?

Female Audience Member 2: [ dressed in a Century 21 jacket ] Yeah, I have a question.

Annette Bening: Oh. Oh, are you a real estate agent?

Female Audience Member 2: [ peeved ] Yeah. Yeah, I am!

Annette Bening: Oh. Do you have a question?

Female Audience Member 2: Yes! I do! When you portray real estate agents as crazy, do you take into account how negatively it affects the thousands of female real estate agents in this country?

Annette Bening: Well, I-I can’t believe that-that the movies actually affect how people think about real estate agents.

Female Audience Member 2: [ a beat ] So, no, then?

Annette Bening: No – no, I-I didn’t take it into account, uh – uh, another question? [ looks around ] Please? Uh — [ Female Audience Member 3 raises her hand ] Oh.

Female Audience Member 3: Marnie Leonard, Re/Max Realty. When you played a real estate agent who cheated on her husband in “American Beauty”, did it occur to you that husbands of real estate agents would become suspicious and then investigate whether their real estate agent wives were cheating on them? In some cases, even discovering that they were, and then divorcing them?

Annette Bening: [ bewildered ] You know, I will be totlaly honest with you – that did not occur to me, but I am sorry —

Female Audience Member 3: [ nastily chipper ] Yeah.. yeah, okay. Well, I will be sure to pass that along to my kids, who I see on weekends and holidays.

Annette Bening: Oh, God —

[ Female Audience Member 1 stands again ]

Female Audience Member 1: Can I – can I just say one more thing?

Annette Bening: Oh. Sure.

Female Audience Member 1: I just wanted to say that I, too, am a real estate agent.

Annette Bening: Well, why didn’t you say so before?

Female Audience Member 1: Because your movies made me believe that was something to be ashamed of.

Male Voice: That is so ridiculous!

[ Alec Baldwin appears standing in the audience ]

Annette Bening: Alec!

[ the audience screams and hollars ]

Annette Bening: Alec, what are you doing here? My God! Wow!

[ the audience quiets down, Alec stands in silence ]

Annette Bening: What are you doing here?

Alec Baldwin: I live here. [ audience laughs ] I just wanted to point out that I also payed a real estate agent, rather famously, in the movie “Glengarry Glen Ross.”

Annette Bening: Oh, right. I remember.

[ the audience cheers their approval ]

Alec Baldwin: Of course, you’d remember that. But people often stop me in the street just to say how much they liked it, and, uh, many of them are real estate agents themselves, who tell me that it changed their lives for the better, and it’s.. a special feeling knowing you’ve changed people’s lives.

Annette Bening: Uh – what does any of this have to do with me?

Alec Baldwin: Uh, nothing, really. I just like talking about my film career. And I also wanted to say I thought it was great when you took your clothes off in “The Grifters” – that was fantastic! [ sits ]

Annette Bening: [ laughing ] Oh, thanks! Thanks so much. Well, we’ve got a great show – I don’t play a single real estate agent. Gwen Stefani and Akon are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Introverts Night Out

Neil….Will Forte
Jean….Kristen Wiig
Meryl….Annette Bening
Waiter….Bill Hader

[Opens with a sports bar, everyone drinking, having agood time. In comes Neil with his conservative style,glasses, tie, vest, moustache, cow licked hair. Jeanwith an outdated hairdo, grandma’s clothes. And Meryl,she is cute but with a depressed look on her face. Sheis thin but from the waist down she is bigger andfatter than the rest of her body.]

Neil: And here we are.

Jean: I have to say I’m really excited that the 3 ofus are going to enjoy our first after work snack tonight.

Meryl: Yes, I’m happy its working out. The Skiffcoupon from my secret Santa was really burning a hole in my pocket.

Jean: Oh, we wouldn’t want that. Those are one of your flattering slacks.

Meryl: Oh, Jean.

Neil: So, what do we do here? Can we just sit down atany given table? Is there a sign-up sheet? Sort of a seating grid?

Meryl: Well, that sign says “Please wait to be seated.”Mess it. If I’d known that I would’ve brought my folding stool.

Waiter: Excuse me. There is a table available right over there.

Neil: Wonderful. Great.

Meryl: Thank you.

Jean: Oh, excuse me.[to waiter.][Jean takes out Ziplocbag full of change, takes couple of quarters gives itto the waiter. He puts up with it.]Thank you.

Waiter: Thanks.

Neil: Jean, what a great idea to bring a bag filled with tipping change.

Jean: I have to admit my original intent was notgratuity related at all. I withdrew these quartersfrom the bank to purchase music songs on the jukebox machine.

Meryl: Oh, Jean I didn’t even think about thepossibility of a jukebox machine.

Jean: Meryl, its 2006!

Meryl: Then where in the name of Mary Todd Lincoln is it?

Neil: Excuse me, waiter. Where in the name of MaryTodd Lincoln is your jukebox machine?

Waiter: We don’t have a jukebox.

Meryl: No jukebox machine?

Jean: But I went to the bank!

Neil: I wanted to hear The Platters.

Waiter: Well, we have a DJ and he should be setting up pretty soon.

Neil: It’s not Wolfman Jack, is it?

Waiter: I don’t think so, no.

Neil: But he’ll have The Platters?

Waiter: He mostly plays dance music.

Neil: So, he does have The Platters.

Meryl: Is there gonna be dancing?

Jean: Oh, mess it. I should have worn my sneakers flats.

Meryl: I have to admit. I’m a little nervous. I’ve never danced in public before.

Neil: Same here, Meryl. I’ve been in a number ofaccidental dance situations. Stomping out fires,rhythmically jumping in pain after stepping on a mousetrap. But I’ve certainly never made a concerted effort to dance.

Jean: I did do a little salsa at my cousin’scommitment ceremony. I can’t say for sure as I wasunder the influence of a strong ring worm ointment.

Neil: Sounds like we’re all on the same boat. A boatwe could quite logically christen “The U.S.S Non dancer”.

Meryl: How can you 2 be so calm about this? I’mquacking in my proverbial boots.

Jean: Meryl, why don’t you take those jitters and turn them into a jitterbug?

Neil: Oh, what a fine, fine joke, Jean.[Kristen lookslike about to crack up, holds it]Too boot notproverbially its as relevant as all get out.

Meryl: Well, I’m gonna sit this one out.

Neil: Whaaat?!

Jean: Meryl, are sure?!

Meryl: I’m positive. Truth be told I have a problem with leg sweat.

Jean: I didn’t know you had leg sweat problems, Meryl.

Meryl: Unfortunately, yes. Its why I use a wheelchair at work.

Neil: Well, I think I’ll fore go the dancing as well.I had a double helping of oatmeal this morning butunfortunately forgot to add water. The introduction ofdancing could make for a fairly implosive situation.

Jean: Do you think they’ll allow pocket books on thedance floor? Probably not. Excuse me, where are your pocket book lockers?

Waiter: We don’t have lockers.

Meryl: No pocket book lockers? No jukebox machine? What the mess?

Jean: I said it before and I’ll say it again. That’s America, it’s a problem.

Meryl: One more question, do you have wheelchairs for dancers with leg sweat problems?

Waiter: No. Are you going to order anything?

Jean: Oh, you know I’ll have a warm mug of yellow eggnog.

Meryl: Oh, nog. Nog sounds good. Make that 2 nogs. Neil, nog?

Neil: Well, I was thinking about an ovaltine. Oh, mess it. Make it 3 egg nogs.

Waiter: Three eggnogs. Is that with or without alcohol?

Neil: Alcohol? I didn’t know there was an option.

Meryl: I don’t even know what it means.

[The trio talk over each other. Close-up on clock, time passes]

Jean: So, how is this going to work?

Neil: We’ll start by gently rubbing each othersshoulders for exactly 5 minutes. I’ll unburden both ofyou of your blouses. From there we’ll all put onblindfolds and remove each others……[Close-up onclock, more time passes]….and then I’ll mess Merylwhile Jean watches and then Jean will mess Meryl whileI watch. Then Meryl and I will mess each other whileJean messes herself.[Kristen is about to crack up]Thenthe waiter will doggy mess Meryl as I reverse cowboy mess Jean.

Meryl: I have to say, I wasn’t sure about it at firstbut I’m really warming to the idea of getting butt messed.

Neil: Well, its too bad this country frowns upon it so.

Jean: Well, I said it before and I’ll say it again.That’s America, it’s a problem. [Kristen laughs finally]

[Cheers and Applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Goodnights

…..Annette Bening

Annette Bening: Thanks to Gwen Stefani, Akon, and Alec Baldwin! I love you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Stanfield & Partlow

Martha Stanfield…..Annette Bening
Christopher Partlow…..Bill Hader

[ open on Martha Stanfield standing in her reading perusing a Law book ]

Martha Stanfield: Are you a cat – or a group of cats – who has recently inherited a large sum of money from an eccentric old lady? Are you having trouble deciphering our country’s often Baroque capital gains tax laws because you can’t read – and you’re also a cat? [ puts her Law book down ] Hi. I’m Martha Stanfield. If you are a housecat who’s recently inherited the estate of a newly-deceased weirdo, the lawyers at Stanfield & Partlow are here to help you. Just ask my partner, Christopher Partlow.

[ Partlow enters, and begins shaking a feather on a stick at the camera ]

Christopher Partlow: Who’s a pretty kitty! Who’s a pretty kitty! You are, Mr. Ma-an!

[ Partlow exits ]

Martha Stanfield: But what if your inheritance is annuated, allowing you only a small percentage of your bequest for a year? How will you ever afford all that dog poison? Simple.

[ Partlow props up a display board in the office ]

Now – let’s say that a crazy old lady left you TEN million dollars, to be paid out over fifteen years. That translates to only, roughly, three-hundred thousand dollars per year after taxes. Stanfield & Partlow will offer you EIGHT million dollars, UP FRONT. [ shines laser pointer on display board, then bounces it around the board ] Huh? Where’d it go? Where’d it go? Now it’s over there! Uh-oh! Now it’s over there! Okay! [ continues ] And that eight million dollars can be paid out in cash or wounded birds. Isn’t that right, Christopher?

Christopher Partlow: Mer-eow!

Martha Stanfield: But don’t just take our word for it. Listen to what these satisfied customers had to say:

[ cut to black-and-white footage of a cat playing table tennis with a human ]

[ cut back to Stanfield ]

Martha Stanfield: Let’s face it – you’re a cat. And that musty old bag left you a lot of money. Here at Stanfield & Partlow, we ask only one question:

[ the show is running late, and, thus, the sketch dissolves into the night’s final commercial bumper ]

Martha Stanfield V/O: [ shaking cat toy ] Who’s a pretty kitty? Who’s a pretty kitty? Are you a pretty kitty — ?

[ end ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

A Special Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is a special address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush seated behind his desk in the Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. [ the audience cheers ] Earlier this week, we saw the release of — [ holds up booklet ] the way forward, a new approach. The final report by the Baker-Hamilton Study Group. A panel comprised of several of our nation’s most distinguished statesmen, as well as – and, let’s be honest – some real Grade-A jackasses. Be that as it may, many of the observations in this report are useful and enlightening. Others, are a ltitle irritating. [ sneers ] For example: the report frequently points out that, before invading Iraq, we should have had some sort of plan for what to do next. [ scoffs ] Gee, ya’ think?! Thanks for telling us now! [ scoffs again ] Also, for whatever reason, the reprot devotes a great deal of time explaining that there are two different types of Muslims: Sunnis, and Shiites. Which is all very interesting. Although, I’m not really sure how that’s relevant to our situation in Iraq! Thanks, though. [ makes the “okay” sign with his fingers and smirks ]

But, whatever its limitations, we’ll consider carefully all the recommendations embodied in this report. Just as, by the way, we consider thoughtful suggestions from any source. For example: [ holds up letter ] Mrs. Charlotte Poulter of Table Rock, Nebraska, who wrotes: [ show slide of the elderly woman, age 87 ] “Dear, Mr. President –” [ he glances at the camera with the knowing look of a talk show host ] “Why not simply declare Iraq the 51st state? Then, the Mexicans can just sneak in and take it over like the rest of the country.” [ smiles ] When we called Mrs. Poulter to thank her for that suggestion, she explained she was just being sarcastic. But, all the same, we did look into her idea. One problem, is that the tunnels we’d have to dig would just be incredibly long. More than 12,000 miles. Although, that is doable! The bigger problem, is that.. well, there’s just no jobs in Iraq! [ smiles ] ‘Cause of the war!

Here’s another one. [ holds up letter, as slide reveals a 5-year old boy ] Wyatt Schiavelli, of New Britain, Connecticut writes: “Dear, President Bush –” [ he glances again at the camera ] “Kill all the Iraqis wih poison in their water. Tell our soldiers: Don’t drink the water. After they are exacerbated –” [ chuckles ] I think the little guy means exterminated! [ continues reading ] “– we can have the oil. P.S.: if they run from the poison, we can catch them with velociraptors or motorcylces. I am five years old.” [ smiles ] Well, Wyatt, for a person your age, that is a very interesting, albeit bloodthirsty, propsoal. However, I must tell you: velociraptors are extinct. Have been for, like.. 500 years.

[ holds up letter ] Finally, Gene Fowler of Apache Junction, Arizona writes: [ show slide of older man, age 50 ] “Mr. President –” [ glances at camera ] “why don’t we just restore Saddam Hussein to power, write the Iraqis a check for the damage, and then forget we ever went in there?” [ shrugs ] Gene, this may surprise you a bit, but that’s the solution I’m sort of leaning towards.

Over the next several weeks, the White House staff, in consultation with members of Congress, will make a thorough analysis of the Iraq Study Group’s proposals – as well as ideas from other sources. The staff will then prepare a summary of these recommendations, which will later be boiled down to a one-page synopsis, the highlgihts of which will be read to me by an aide while I’m on the StairMaster. I will then weigh them carefully, when making any adjustments to our policy in Iraq. Although, I am tempted to say: “If it ain’t broke — [ struggles to complete the common phrase ] you know, why you gonna go fix it?” [ laughs ]

Now, I know the next Presidential election is less than two years away, and that few believe the security issue in Iraq can be solved by then. But let me make one thing clear: I have no intention of just handing this problem off to my successor. Whatever the outcome of the 2008 election, I will leave office when the freely-elected government of Iraq can stand on its own, and not one.. minute.. sooner. I am confident that can happen by 2008. But, if not, I intend to stay on as President, until the job in Iraq is finished! And whoever is elected in 2008 can begin his, or her — [ scoffs ] term after that! If, in the meantime, something should happen to me, my brother Jeb can step in. And then, my daughters Jenna and Barbara can take over as twin presidents. Jenna, on Monday through Wednesday; Barbara, Thursday through Saturday. With Hank Reardon, an old college buddy – I trut him completely – in charge on Sundays. [ chuckles ] He’s a hoot, ya’ll are gonna LOVE him! Now, I don’t know how the Iraq Study Group feels about all this – it’s not mentioned in their report. But, frankly, that’s beside the point. Because I’m the decider! It’s right there in the Constitution – De-cid-er. So that’s where I stand.

But, before concluding for the night, I want to make one thing absolutely clear: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Two A-Holes in a Live Nativity Scene

Director…..Annette Bening
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig

[FADE IN on title slide as jazzy music plays.]

Announcer: [smoothly] And now: Two A-Holes in a Live Nativity Scene.

[FADE to the nativity scene. The director stands in the middle of the crowd and works on setting the scene.]

Director: [perkily] Okay, we need to get started. Little angel, could you move over there, please, right, thanks.

[She gestures to her left as the angel moves.]

Director: And the three Wise Men, you need to kneel.

[The Wise Men obey and kneel on the ground next to a pair of lambs.]

Director: [to shepherd] Okay, please watch out for that donkey, we don’t want any more accidents. Has anyone seen the people, the two people playing Mary and Joseph?

[CUT to the A-Holes as they arrive on the scene. The man has a earphone plugged into his left ear, and the woman is talking on a cell phone.]

Female A-Hole: Hey, I’m here now.

Male A-Hole: [adjusting earphone] That’s what he said.

Female A-Hole: I think it was Thursday.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, definitely plasma.

Female A-Hole: It was gross, it was a chicken.

Male A-Hole: I dunno, probably Jager.

Female A-Hole: That’s for my hairdresser.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, those boots don’t fit.

Female A-Hole: She looks like a rabbit.

Male A-Hole: ’88 Lakers.

Female A-Hole: I gotta go.

Male A-Hole: Me too.

Female A-Hole: Bye.

Male A-Hole: Bye, babe.

[Simultaneously, he removes his earphone while she terminates the call. Audience laughs as the director stares at the two of them.]

Female A-Hole: We’re here.

Male A-Hole: Let’s do this!

Director: Thank you for coming. We really appreciate you two signing up for this.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she thought she signed up for a raffle.

Female A-Hole: I like to win stuff I don’t need.

Director: Well, either way, thank you so much for being here.

Male A-Hole: She said thanks, babe.

Female A-Hole: Are we done?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, can we go now?

Director: [laughs] No, no, no, we haven’t even started yet.

Male A-Hole: We gotta stick around, babe.

Female A-Hole: When does “24” come back on?

Male A-Hole: [smirking] Jack Power’s a pimp.

Director: I’m sorry, I don’t know. Now is everybody ready to get started? Okay. [to A-Holes] Could you two head back here and just stand behind the baby Jesus?

Female A-Hole: Wait. [points to donkey] Who’s that?

Director: Who?

Male A-Hole: Yeah. Who’s in there?

[CUT to a closeup of the black-and-white donkey.]

Director: That’s a donkey.

Male A-Hole: That’s a donkey, babe.

Female A-Hole: Yah.

Male A-Hole: That’s a small donkey costume. Whaddya got, kids in there?

Director: No, no, no, there are no kids in there.

Male A-Hole: Oh, I get it, you gotta use midgets, right? Union thing.

Director: No, no, not midgets.

Male A-Hole: Right, right, right, little people.

Director: No, it’s not a costume. This a real donkey.

Male A-Hole: Okay, I get it. She doesn’t wanna break character, babe.

Director: Look, we really need to get started, okay? People are gonna be here soon. Okay, so let’s move the donkey back, and you two need to get behind the baby Jesus–everyone looking down, adoringly at the baby Jesus.

[PAN along the wise men, shepherds, and angel all staring down adoringly.]

Director: Okay, everyone’s–good. Oh, oh, excellent! Okay, very, very, good! Good. Um…

[PAN to the a-holes. The male chews his gum and smirks straight ahead, while the female is captivated by her cell phone. He winks at the camera.]

Director: Looking down, could you two look down at the baby Jesus?

[The director carefully places her fingers on the female’s cell phone and begins to lower it.]

Director: Mmmmmmmm…

[She plucks the cell phone out and sets it gingerly in the crib. The female a-hole’s eyes follow it down.]

Director: Okay, yes, that’s better. Excellent. Actually, if you don’t mind, would you mind taking out your chewing gum?

[The two slowly turn to each other, then simultaneously reach for their mouths. They pretend to take out their gum, then both resume chewing it again.]

Director: [losing composure] Y’know what, forget it, let’s just move on. At this point, I’d just really like to see the three Wise Men present Mary and Joseph with the gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

Male A-Hole: What the hell’s myrrh?

[laughter]

Male A-Hole: Y’know what myrrh is, babe?

Female A-Hole: The what?

Male A-Hole: The myrrh.

Female A-Hole: The what?

Male A-Hole: The myrrh.

Female A-Hole: [pulls at her hair] The what?

Male A-Hole: Myrrh.

Female A-Hole: The what?

Male A-Hole: Myrrh, babe.

[laughter and applause]

Female A-Hole: What?

Male A-Hole: Myrrh.

Female A-Hole: The myrrh?

Male A-Hole: The what?

Director: [loses it] The myrrh. The myrrh. Y’know what, this is just not working! Why are you two even doing this?

Male A-Hole: We wanna go to heaven.

Director: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but I’m just gonna have to ask you both to leave.

Female A-Hole: You look like Mrs. Brady.

[laughter]

Director: Get out.

Male A-Hole: We gotta go, babe.

Female A-Hole: Yaaaaaaaaay.

Male A-Hole: Grab the phone, babe.

[She reaches into the crib and pulls out her phone as well as the plastic baby playing Jesus.]

Female A-Hole: This baby doesn’t look like Santa.

Director: [snatching the plastic baby from her] Just get out!

[As they start to leave, the male leans down to the donkey and shouts right into its ear.]

Male A-Hole: IT WAS NICE WORKIN’ WITH YOU GUYS!

[laughter]

Male A-Hole: YOU’RE GOOD DUDES!!

[They finally walk away.]

Male A-Hole: Whaddya want for Christmas, babe?

Female A-Hole: A beach.

Male A-Hole: Mm-hm.

Female A-Hole: And a donkey.

[ZOOM IN on the donkey standing placidly, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts