Jimmy Fallon: (with British accent) Once again – Justin Timberlake!
Justin Timberlake: 1, 2, 3 4.
“Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man? You know I gave you the world You had me in the palm of your hand Why your love went away I just can’t seem to understand Thought it was me and you, babe Me and you until the end But I guess I was wrong
Don’t want to think about it Don’t want to talk about it I’m just so sick about it Can’t believe it’s ending this way Just so confused about it Feeling the blues about it I just can’t do without ya Tell me is this fair?
Is this the way it’s really going down? Is this how we say goodbye? Should’ve known better when you came around That you were gonna make me cry It’s breaking my heart to watch you run around ‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie That’s okay, baby, ’cause in time you will find…
What goes around, goes around, goes around Comes all the way back around What goes around, goes around, goes around Comes all the way back around What goes around, goes around, goes around Comes all the way back around What goes around, goes around, goes around Comes all the way back around, yeah
Now, girl, I remember everything that you claimed You said that you were moving on now And maybe I should do the same (do the same) Funny thing about that is I was ready to give you my name Thought it was me and you, babe And now, it’s all just a shame And I know I was wrong
Don’t want to think about it Don’t want to talk about it I’m just so sick about it Can’t believe it’s ending this way Just so confused about it Feeling the blues about it I just can’t do without ya Can you tell me is this fair?
Is this the way things are going down? Is this how we say goodbye? (Should’ve known better when you came around) Should’ve known better that you were gonna make me cry (That you were going to make me cry) Now it’s breaking my heart to watch you run around ‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find
What goes around, goes around, goes around Comes all the way back around What goes around, goes around, goes around Comes all the way back around What goes around, goes around, goes around Comes all the way back around What goes around, goes around, goes around Comes all the way back around
(guitar break)
What goes around, goes around, goes around Comes all the way back around What goes around, goes around, goes around Comes all the way back around, yeah.”
Cameron Diaz: Ladies and gentlemen – Justin Timberlake!
Justin Timberlake: (singing) “If I wrote you a symphony, Just to say how much you mean to me (what would you do?) If I told you you were beautiful, babe Would you date me on the regular (tell me, would you?) Well, baby I’ve been around the world But I ain’t seen myself another girl (like you) This ring here represents my heart But there’s just one thing I need from you (say “I do”)
Bounce with me, New York, bounce with me!
I can see us holding hands Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand I can see us on the countryside Sitting on the grass, laying side by side You could be my baby, let me make you my lady Girl, you amaze me Ain’t gotta do nothing crazy (oh!) See, all I want you to do is be my love (So don’t give away) My love (So don’t give away) My love (So don’t give away) Ain’t another woman that can take your spot, my love (So don’t give away) My love (So don’t give away) My love (So don’t give away) Ain’t another woman that can take your spot, my love
Ooooh, girl My love My love
If I wrote you a love note And made you smile with every word I wrote (what would you do?) Would that make you want to change your scene And wanna be the one on my team (tell me, would you?) See, what’s the point of waiting anymore? Cause girl I’ve never been more sure (that baby, it’s you) This ring here represents my heart And everything that you’ve been waiting for (just say “I do”)
Bounce with me, bounce with me!
I can see us holding hands Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand I can see us on the countryside Sitting on the grass, laying side by side You could be my baby, let me make you my lady Girl, you amaze me Ain’t gotta do nothing crazy See, all I want you to do is be my love (So don’t give away) My love (So don’t give away) My love (So don’t give away) Ain’t another woman that can take your spot, my love (So don’t give away) My love (So don’t give away) My love (So don’t give away) Ain’t another woman that can take your spot, my love
Ooooh, girl My love My love
(guitar break)
I can see us holding hands Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand I can see us on the countryside – whoo! Sitting on the grass, laying side by side You could be my baby, let me make you my lady Girl, you amaze me Ain’t gotta do nothing crazy See, all I want you to do is be my love
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Justin Timberlake!
(cheers and applause)
Justin Timberlake: Thank you! You know, New York is so beautiful this time of year, I myself grew up in Memphis, Tennessee, but no matter where you are, Christmas is about family, good cheer, and of course, Christmas songs. So if you dont mind, Id like to sing my favorite The Christmas Song.
(band prepares to play “The Christmas Song”)
Justin Timberlake: No, no not that Christmas song the Christmas song by Alvin and the Chipmunks.
(heavy applause and some laughter as Alvin, Simon and Theodore appear on stage, and the band begins to play)
Justin Timberlake: Thanks guys!
Theodore: No problem!
Simon: Great to be here!
Alvin: (in regular low voice) Whatever, dude.
Justin Timberlake: All right, you chipmunks ready to sing your song?
Simon: Ya, lets sing it!
Justin Timberlake: Okay, Simon.
Theodore: Ya!
Justin Timberlake: Okay, Theodore.
Simon: Lets sing.
Justin Timberlake: Okay, Alvin .Alvin?…ALVIN!!!
Alvin: Okay!
All: (singing) Christmas, Christmas time is near Time for toys and time for cheer We’ve been good, but we can’t last Hurry Christmas, hurry fast.
Justin Timberlake: (singing) Want a plane that loops the loop.
Alvin: (singing): Me, I want a hula hoop.
All: (singing) We can hardly stand the wait Please Christmas, don’t be late.
Justin Timberlake: That was very good, Simon.
Simon: Naturally!
Justin Timberlake: Very good, Theodore!
(Simon laughs)
Uh, Alvin, you were a little flat. Watch it.
(Alvin looks offended)
Alvin?
Alvin: (in regular low voice) Dude
Justin Timberlake: Alvin
Alvin: (in regular low voice) Seriously
Justin Timberlake: ALVIN!!!
Alvin: Okay!
Justin Timberlake: (singing) Want a plane that loops the loop.
Alvin: (singing) I still want a hula hoop.
All: (singing) We can hardly stand the wait Please Christmas, don’t be late. We can hardly stand the wait Please Christmas, don’t be late.
Justin Timberlake: We have a great show tonight, its the Christmas show! Stick around well be right back
[ TV Show theme song begins with credits for each character ]
Trey-J: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!
All [ rapping ]: We’re the Hip Hop Kids and we’re on the way. We’re going to help you dance your troubles away. We study hard and stay in school.Go on adventures, it’s always cool. We the Hip Hop Kids.
Jo-Jessica: Check it!
Trey-J: Before you wreck it.
[ display of episode number and title screen ]
Announcer: Episode 42: Yo, Yo, Yo! How we gonna get outta this mine shaft, yo!
[ Keisha, Jo-Jessica, and Trey-J are at front of stage with Flip Flop and Girlie-t enter from the back of stage ]
Trey-J: Ok, team, what’s the repooort.
Girlie-t: Yo, these shafts are straight closed up.
Flip Flop: Word, we gonna run outta oxygen soon, yo.
Jo-Jessica: Yo, why’d we take a shortcut through a mineshaft in the first place?
[ Trey-J blows whistle ]
Trey-J: Negativity ain’t helpin’, Jo-Jessica. We need to get to Douglas High School and do our inspiration Hip-Hop dance or those kids’ll start using *druuugs*!
Keisha: Yo, we need to think up an idea-uh.
Trey-J: Well, I only know one way to solve a problem.
Girlie-t: Dance it out.
Trey-J: Tru-dat. K Smoove, drop a beat!
[ K Smoove begins playing music ]
Trey-J [ rapping ]: Yo, yo. We gotta think, yo. We gotta think about a problem and a solution. I don’t know if we..
[ cave begins to rumble and Keisha is hit on the head with a rock and falls down ]
Various: Oh no! Oh no!
Jo-Jessica: Yo, that rock hit Keisha on the head, yo. Then that stalagmite fell on her.
Girlie-t: That’s a stalagtite, Jo-Jessica. You gotta reckonize your sedimentary rock formations!
Jo-Jessica: Yo, who you calling a bitch, bitch?!
Girlie-t: I never said the word bitch, bitch!
[ Trey-J blows whistle ]
Trey-J: Yo! Twenty second TO. Keisha looks hurt bad, so we need to speed up our exit scratedgy. Let’s think.
Flip Flop: Yo, I think better when I’m busting a move, yo.
Trey-J: What!? K Smoove! Show us where out beat’s at!
[ K Smoove begins playing music and caves begin to rumble again and Jo-Jessica gets hit on the head with rock and falls down ]
Trey-J: Dance it out, Jo-Jessica, dance it off!
[ Jo-Jessica gets hit on the head with another rock ]
Trey-J: Yo, damn! It’s like these rocks know when we dancing, yo.
Girlie-t: Yo, I think it might be music and the dancing that’s shaking these rocks loose.
Trey-J: Foo! Dancing don’t cause problems – it *solves* ’em!
Flip Flop: We gonna straight up run out of food soon, yo.
Girlie-t: Yo, this cannot get any worse.
[ cave creatures rise from the back of the stage ]
Trey-J: Yooooo. On the getting worse front, I think we’ve got some company in the form of *cave creatures*!
Flip Flop: What do we do?
Trey-J: *What* do we *always* do?
Girlie-t: You think we dance it out?
Trey-J: What do you think?
Girlie-t: I was thinking maybe we should stay still. If these creatures live in this cave, they’ve probably have evolved to sense movement rather than seeing actual shapes. I think dancing may be the worst possible call, yo.
Trey-J: Flip Flop?
Flip Flop: Yo, I say we do how we do, yo.
Trey-J: K Smoove, jam it!
[ K Smoove begins playing music and cave creatures close in on Flip Flop surrounding him ]
Flip Flop: Oh yeah, how you like those moves, creatures. Ugh! Double up on you, hyah! Ugh! You getting served, you getting served, cave creatures.
Trey-J: Yo, it was like those creatures knew where he was!
Girlie-t: Yo, they did cause he was yelling at them!
Trey-J: Why you yelling at me? What are we going to do now?
Girlie-t: Yo, those cave creatures gave me an idea, yo.
Trey-J: For real?
[ cut to later with Hip Hop Kids Insert ]
Trey-J: Yo. I can’t believe we ate Keisha and Jo-Jessica, yo.
Girlie-T: You need to get past that. Cause they got ate. And that’s all there is.
Trey-J: Yo. On the real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real. I feel like dancing straight up worked against us this time, yo. What do you think, K Smoove?
[ K Smoove scratches a record a couple of times in reply. ]
Trey-J: If there was ever a day I wish you could talk, it would be today, K Smoove.
[ K Smoove scratches a record once in reply ]
Trey-J: Yo, look a tiny beam of light!
[ Trey-J points to crack in wall ]
Girlie-t: That’s way too small to fit through, yo.
Trey-J: What if we tried to *dance* through it.
Girlie-t: I like the way you think!
Trey-J: Yo!
Girlie-t: Boom! K Smoove!
[ K Smoove begins playing music and Trey-J begins to dance towards the crack ]
Trey-J: [ rapping ] Got to walk and up to it. Got to walk and up to it.
Announcer: Will the hip hop team dance through the hole? Will they face criminal charges for eating their teammates? This and more next time on “Hip Hip Kids”!
Barry Gibb…..Jimmy Fallon Robin Gibb…..Justin Timberlake Sandra Day O’Connor…..Kristen Wiig Thomas Freedman…..Fred Armisen President Jimmy Carter…..Darrell Hammond
[FADE IN on Barry and Robin standing in white leisure suits with their backs to the camera in the foreground of a talk show set. Blue lights flicker while a disco ball twinkles in the background. The Bee Gees’ 1975 hit “Nights on Broadway” starts up as the audience squeals in approval.]
Announcer: [in a husky growl] It’s The Barry Gibb Talk Show!
[SUPERIMPOSE logo briefly, and then the brothers turn around and sing, with Barry on guitar.]
Barry and Robin Gibb: “Heeeeeere we are!”
Announcer: Tonight, Barry’s guests are:
Barry and Robin Gibb: “In a room full of straaaaaaangers…”
Announcer: From the New York Times, columnist Thomas Freedman!
Barry and Robin Gibb: “Discussin’ politics…”
Announcer: Former Supreme Court Justice:
Barry and Robin Gibb: “And the issues of the daaaaaaaa-ayyyyy…”
Announcer: Sandra Day O’Connor!
Barry and Robin Gibb: “And I want to taaaaaaaalk to you…”
Announcer: Former President Jimmy Carter!
Barry and Robin Gibb: “Though you may not waaaaaaant me to!”
Announcer: And as always:
Barry and Robin Gibb: “I’m still gonna taaaaaaaalk to you…”
Announcer: Barry’s brother Robin!
Barry and Robin Gibb: “I don’t care what you saaaaaaaaaaaaay!”
[Barry slips off his guitar, and the brothers start disco dancing.]
Barry and Robin Gibb: “Talkin’ it up, On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow, Talkin’ ’bout issues, Talkin’ ’bout very important issues. Talkin’ it up, On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow, Checkin’ out politics, In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-ow-own! Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah…”
[SUPERIMPOSE logo again as the brothers dance to their seats. The lights come up, and the disco ball retracts into the ceiling.]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, your host: Barry Gibb!
[“Nights on Broadway” fades out as the Gibbs settle into their chairs.]
Barry Gibb: [in a high, broken voice] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. [laughter and cheers] We got a great show for you t’night. Let’s get right to it. It’s my show, and it’s a no-nonsense show. I’m not gonna take any crap from nobody.
[He glances over to Robin, who stares impassively forward.]
Barry Gibb: Issue number one: Will President Bush listen to the Iraq Study Group’s recommendations? Do you have any thoughts on this, Robin?
[Robin stares blankly away for a long moment.]
Robin Gibb: [softly] No. No, I don’t.
Barry Gibb: Why, why not?
Robin Gibb: I dunno. I ju–I just don’t.
[laughter]
Barry Gibb: [turns to left] Sandra Day O’Connor. As a member of the [breaks into falsetto] Iraqi Study Group: Do you think the President will act on your [in falsetto] recommendations? Haaah!
Sandra Day O’Connor: First of all, Barry, I just want to say that it’s great to see you getting into politics. One could say your career is really, um… stayin’ alive.
[Audience chortles as Robin covers his eyes and Barry glances around in disbelief.]
Barry Gibb: What did you just say t’ me?! Haah-ahh! You do NOT try to joke me down on my own show!! [stands up and kicks the air] I’m BARRY ef-in’ GIBB!!!
[riotous cheers]
Barry Gibb: You think I’m here to pull my [in falsetto] Australian politics? I’m gonna show up and murder you on national television!! [in falsetto] Ha-aa! Ha-aa! Yaaah!
Sandra Day O’Connor: I’m sorry.
Barry Gibb: You are sorry: a sorry excuse for a human being. You’re a piece of human garbage.
Barry and Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] “Huu-u-u-man! Gaaa-a-ar-bage!”
Barry Gibb: Yeah!
Robin Gibb: Yeah!
[Barry glances irritably at Robin.]
Barry Gibb: [turns to right] Thomas Freedman: you spent over a decade in the Middle East. And I just wanted to say that I’m a great fan of your work.
Thomas Freedman: Well, thank you very much–
Barry Gibb: Don’t interrupt me, please, thank you. What did I JUST SAY, do you know who I AM? [stands up and kicks the air] I’m BARRY… GIBB!!! I will rip off your hands and wear them like boxing gloves and beat you to death! And then when I’m done, I will [in falsetto] humiliate your coooorpse! Robin, do you have anything to add?
[Robin stares blankly into space for several seconds.]
Robin Gibb: No. No, I don’t.
Barry Gibb: Robin? Look at me. Look at me. I’m your brother, Robin, look at me-e-e-e! [sings] “Robin, look at your brother, please!”
Robin Gibb: No, I don’t wanna.
Barry Gibb: [in the first note of “Nights on Broadway”] “He-e-e-e-e-e-y-y-y-y…”
[laughter]
Barry and Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] He-e-e-e-e-e-y-y-y-y… President Carter! James Earl Carter! A p-p-p-p-peanut farmer! President Ca-a-a-ar-ter! Uh-huh!”
Barry Gibb: Huh!
Robin Gibb: Hah!
[Barry glances irritably at Robin again.]
Barry Gibb: Yeah!
Robin Gibb: Yah!
Barry Gibb: President Carter: if you could give President [in falsetto] Bush one piece of adviiiice… on how to deal with the situation in Iraq, what would it be?
President Jimmy Carter: [lifts eyebrows and bulges eyes] Well, Barry, Robin… What President Bush needs to understand is that one nation cannot impose democracy onto another. Especially when that nation is as divided as Iraq is.
Barry Gibb: [attentive] Okay.
President Jimmy Carter: He needs to get the Sunnis, the Shi’ites, and the Kurds together–
Barry Gibb: Right.
President Jimmy Carter: –and have honest dialogue about how to move forward.
Barry Gibb: That’s good.
President Jimmy Carter: Uh, when I was President, I brought Anwar Sadat and Menachem Begin together in the Camp David accord.
Barry Gibb: Good Lord! Every time I turn on TV, you’re goin’ on about Camp David accord!! It’s been thirty years! [in falsetto] Give it a reeeeest! You don’t see me talkin’ about “Saturday Night Fever” all the time–I moved ON!!
[Barry jumps up and starts kicking the air repeatedly. Carter cringes and leans against Sandra Day O’Connor.]
Barry Gibb: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOVE A BOTTLE INSIDE YOU AND KICK IT TILL IT BREAKS!!! YOU GET ME TIRED!!! I AM BARRY… GIBB!!!
[Barry plops back down in his chair but instantly leaps back up.]
Barry Gibb: [kicking the air] I will ruin you! I will ruin you! [starts singing] “I will ruu-uu-u-in you!”
Barry and Robin Gibb: [in harmony] “I will ruu-uu-u-in you! I will ruu-uu-u-in yoooooooooooou!”
[The audience screams in approval as Barry tumbles back into his chair. He wearily reaches for the flower basket on the center table, plucks a flower, and sniffs it.]
Barry Gibb: That’s all the time we have. [sings] “Well… I’m… Barr–”
[He is cut off by the “Nights on Broadway” track. As the lights dim and the disco ball reappears, the brothers jump up and start disco dancing.]
Barry and Robin Gibb: “Talkin’ it up, On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow, Talkin’ ’bout chest hair! Talkin’ ’bout crazy cool medallions! Talkin’ it up, On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow, Checkin’ out politics, In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-own! Oh, yeah…”
[Laughing, the brothers embrace briefly and dash offstage while the audience cheers tumultuously. SUPERIMPOSE The Barry Gibb Talk Show logo and fade to black while “Nights on Broadway” keeps playing.]
Gary Pierce…..Bill Hader Jerry Bertrand…..Fred Armisen Brett O’Connor…..Justin Timberlake Model…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on title card superimposed over game show set ]
Announcer: Welcome to “Dry Eyes”! The game show that challenges you to keep from crying. Now, here’s your host — Gary Pierce!
[ Gary Pierce enters the set ]
Gary Pierce: Hey-ohhhhhhhhh!!! [ laughs heartily ] Hi there. Welcome back to “Dry Eyes.” The game is simple: cry — you lose! Keep it dry, and you walk away with cash and prizes. Let’s meet our contestants. First up — he’s a high school Math teacher who’s a whiz in the kitchen. Say hello to Jerry Bertrand!
[ the game show audience cheers ]
Jerry Bertrand: It’s great to be here, Gary!
Gary Pierce: Are we gonna see any tears from you today, Jerry?
Jerry Bertrand: No way! I am a ROCK!
Gary Pierce: Alright. You’re gonna need that confidence, because you’re facing our 22-TIME returning champ! He’s a firefighter. Please welcome back — Brett O’Connor!
[ the game show audience cheers ]
Brett O’Connor: It’s good to be back, Gary!
Gary Pierce: Now, as always, we here at “Dry Eyes” have researched your personal lives to make it as DIFFICULT on you as possible to keep those eyes dry! The categories are: [ show game board ] “Break-Ups”, “What They Called Me In High School”, “Surprise Surprise”, “Give It To Me Straight, Doc”, and “Things My Dad Never Said.” What’s it gonna be, Brett?
Brett O’Connor: Uhh — I’ll take “Break-Ups.”
Gary Pierce: Ten points for every second you don’t cry, up to 100 points. Are you ready?
Brett O’Connor: I’m ready.
Gary Pierce: This is something said to you by your ex-girlfriend, Sarah. [ Brett blinks twice ] “I’m leaving you — not because I don’t love you, but because you never let me in.” [?] GO!!
[ the clock starts ticking ]
Brett O’Connor: Oh, God.. Sarah.. [ exhales ] I still miss her. That’s.. for sure. So much. It — it was my fault —
[ the bell dings ]
Gary Pierce: Time!
Brett O’Connor: Whoo!! YES!!
Gary Pierce: Very, very well done! Thought you might break there, in the end.
Brett O’Connor: Me, too! That was close! Today would have been our fifth-year anniversary. [ chuckles ]
Gary Pierce: There you go! Jerry, think you can take him?
Jerry Bertrand: Uh — yeah, definitely. I’m gonna take, um — “Surprise Surprise.”
Gary Pierce: Okay. For this category, I’m gonna tell you something surprising.
Jerry Bertrand: Give me your worst, Gary.
Gary Pierce: The students in your class are real trouble makers.
Jerry Bertrand: [ laughs, smiles ] Yeah, they certainly are!
Gary Pierce: Well, today they’ve outdone themselves.
Jerry Bertrand: [ stone-faced, confident ] What did they do now?
Gary Pierce: They have nominated you for Teacher of the Year. GO!!
[ the clock starts ticking ]
[ genuinely surprised, Jerry immediately begins weeping hard ]
[ the buzzer sounds ]
Gary Pierce: [ surprised as well ] Wow! That, uh — that got you right away.
Jerry Bertrand: [ wiping his tears away ] I just — I’m just so hard on those kids, and I never knew they cared about me —
Gary Pierce: Well, that’s NO points, and back to you, Brett.
Brett O’Connor: [ glances incredulously at Jerry ] I’ll take “Things My Dad Never Said.”
Gary Pierce: Alright, now, just for our audiences — your dad left your family when you were only thirteen. Is that right?
Brett O’Connor: [ laughs, waves the fact off ] Ha! Yeah, that’s right!
Gary Pierce: Alright. I’ll be reading this one as your father.
Brett O’Connor: Go for it.
Gary Pierce: “Son: I know we never see eye to eye, and this might not mean much to you.. but I wanted to say, ‘I’m proud of you.'” GO!!
[ the clock starts ticking ]
Brett O’Connor: [ looks as though he’s genuinely touched, but then quickly crinkles his nose ] Like you would ever SAY that! [ starts to frown, then catches himself and puts on his poker-face, which starts to slip just as quickly ] Maybe if he was.. drunk. [ starts to slip into a frown again, but desperately fights the pending tears ] Although.. it would be nice to hear —
[ the bell dings ]
Gary Pierce: Time!!
Brett O’Connor: [ excited ] YEAH!!! WHOO!! IN YOUR FACE!! GOOD TRY, DAD!!
Gary Pierce: [ chuckles ] You barely made it through that one, buddy! [ a beat ] Jerry?
[ Jerry is already reduced to tears from Brett’s question ]
Jerry Bertrand: Oh, God! That was so hard to WATCH!
Gary Pierce: Well, uh — pull yourself together, because it’s your turn.
Jerry Bertrand: [ sniffling, as he wipes away his flow of tears ] Can I have another second, please?
Gary Pierce: [ rolls his eyes ] Are you ready?
Jerry Bertrand: [ still sniffling ] Just another second, please? [ sniffles some more ] Okay.. I’m gonna take.. “Give It to Me Straight, Doc.”
Gary Pierce: Okay, Jerry. I’m a doctor: “Mr. Betrand, your wife had a very difficult time. I don’t know how to tell you this.. but you are the father of a healthy baby boy.”
[ before Gary can say “GO!”, Jerry breaks down into a bundle of tears ]
[ the bell dings ]
[ the buzzer sounds ]
Gary Pierce: Not good, Jerry!
Jerry Bertrand: [ still crying ] I’m a dad!
Gary Pierce: No! No, you’re not! But you will be going home with our Clinique gift bag for losers! And, Brett — you’re back in the Speed Round!
Brett O’Connor: Yeah!! WHOO!!
[ Jerry exits the stage, collecting his consolation prize from a smiling model ]
[ Brett joins Gary Pierce at the center of the game show set, as the studio audience cheers him on ]
Gary Pierce: I don’t have to tell you how it works — four challenges, $100 each. Cry liquid tears, and you’re OUT! Are you ready to see the next category?
Brett O’Connor: Sure.
Gary Pierce: The category is.. “Sad Songs.”
Brett O’Connor: [ intrigued ] Oo-ooh.
Gary Pierce: [ rushes offscreen ] GO!!
[ the Aerosmith song “Cryin'” begins to blare through the studio ]
Brett O’Connor: [ almost starts to weep, his memories tracing back ] Sarah! [ catches himself, puts on his poker-face ] I miss you. [ exhales ]
[ the bell dings ]
[ the Lionel Ritchie song “Hello” begins to blare through the studio ]
Brett O’Connor: [ grits his teeth ] That blind girl from the — [ reverts to his poker-face ] video!
[ the bell dings ]
[ the Celine Dion song “My Heart Will Go On” from “Titanic” begins to blare through the studio ]
Brett O’Connor: Awww!! Not “Titanic”!! [ throws his hands over his head ] God! Jack and Rose! [ composes himself, slows his breath ]
[ the bell dings ]
[ the Harry Chapin song “Cat’s in the Cradle” begins to blare through the studio ]
Brett O’Connor: [ starts to lose it, but struggles to regain his composure ] No, Dad.. not now.. [ holds his breath, shakes his head ] Not e-e-ev-er!! I will NOT cry for you!
[ the bell dings repeatedly ]
Gary Pierce: You’ve done it!!
Brett O’Connor: YEAH!! [ still addressing his dad ] SUCK IT, Dad!! Suck it for ETERNITY!!
Gary Pierce: We’ll see you next week on “Dry Eyes”!
Brett O’Connor: SUCK IT, DAD!!
[ title card appears ]
Brett O’Connor: YEAH!! [ locks Gary Pierce in a bear hug ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 9th, 2006 Justin Timberlake Justin Timberlake None Jimmy Fallon Cameron Diaz “Santa’s My Boyfriend”Summary: While trimming the Christmas tree, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, and Kristen Wiig harmonize about the illicit boyfriend they have in Santa Claus. Transcript
Montage
Justin Timberlake’s MonologueSummary: Justin Timberlake sings his favorite Christmas song with Alvin (Bill Hader) & The Chipmunks (Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg). First Hosted: 03b. Transcript
HomelessvilleSummary: A Salvation Army bellringer dressed as Santa Claus (Will Forte) faces donation competition from Homelessville’s Cup-of-Soup mascot (Justin Timberlake). Recurring Characters: Mascot.
Target GreatlandSummary: While the Target clerk (Kristen Wiig) leaves shoppers hanging so she can buy decorative merchandise for her home, a stock boy (Justin Timberlake) mulls his chapped, burned, allergen-ridden lips. Recurring Characters: Target Clerk.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In a send up of R&B/rap videos of the early 90’s, a Color Me Badd-esque duo (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) surprise their ladies by gifting their “Dick in a Box”. Transcript
The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Robin Gibb (Justin Timberlake) remains mum while Barry Gibb (Jimmy Fallon) issues insane threats to his political guests. Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Jimmy Carter. Transcript
Dry EyesSummary: The game show where the winners don’t cave in to their emotions and cry. Note: Originally cut from the Matthew Fox dress rehearsal two weeks earlier. Transcript
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Lou Dobbs (Darrell Hammond) provides his solutions for making a 700-mile wall along the Mexican border a reality. A same-sex couple from New Jersey (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader) comment on their civil union and the Christmas holidays. Recurring Characters: Vinnie, Gay Guy from New Jersey. Transcript
Hip Hop KidsSummary: Teenaged hip hop artists ignorantly try to dance their way out of a mine shaft they got trapped in while using it as a shortcut. Transcript
St. Ambrose AcademySummary: Mrs. Hastings (Kenan Thompson) comes to the rescue when her ghetto-acting stepdaughter (Justin Timberlake) covets the role of an elf in the school play. Recurring Characters: Mrs. Hastings.
A Holiday Message From Nancy GraceSummary: Nancy Grace (Amy Poehler) bestows her judgment upon the story of a stripper who falsely accused three college boys of raping her. Recurring Characters: Nancy Grace.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Quitting TimeSummary: Toy store employee (Justin Timberlake) brags to his co-worker (Fred Armisen) about getting off work at five o’clock.
Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) talks to two soldiers (Jason sudeikis, Will Forte) about the U.S. exit strategy from Iraq. Recurring Characters: Anderson Cooper.
Condom AdSummary: Soap opera stars Michael Park and Kim Zimmer talk about the condoms they use during sex scenes.
Old FriendsSummary: A man (Will Forte) kidnaps Justin Timberlake to impress a woman (Maya Rudolph).
Michael McDonald’sSummary: michael McDonald (Justin Timberlake) decides to open a similarly-named fast food restaurant.
[Opens with Mayan indian Jaguar Paw opening his eyes,dramatic music, shot of the rising sun]
Caption on black screen: From Mel Gibson. AcademyAward Winning Director of Braveheart and The Passion of the Christ.
[Shot of a panther’s eye]
Caption on black screen: What would cause one of thegreatest civilizations in history….
[Shots of Mayan sculptures, statues]
Caption on black screen: To dissapear?
[Shot of Jaguar Paw bound and sitting on the jungle,looks up and answers]
Jaguar Paw:[Subtitled] The Jews.
[Shots of Mayan indians running like hell through the jungle]
Caption subtitles: The jews are coming!! Run for your lives!!
[Mayan chief stands on top of a pyramid, hands up,talks to a large crowd below]
Mayan chief: [Subtitled]Hey, you guys! The jews areresponsible for all the wars in the world![shot ofMayan women laughing] What are you laughing at, sugartits? Aw, I didn’t mean it. I’m so wasted right now.
Jingle “Potholes and bad schools High, private, real fools You can feel it in the air You’d rather be anywhere Than stuck here in this no-good, dumbass town.”
[ title card zooms in ]
[ dissolve to morning talk show set, whose two hosts beam brightly behind faux smiles ]
Alan French: Welcome back to “Good morning I Hate This Town.” I’m Alan French.
Samantha Collingswood: And I’m Samantha Collingswood. How was your weekend, Alan?
Alan French: Oh, TERRIBLE! Just UTTERLY TERRIBLE! I wanted to take the wife somewhere nice for dinner —
Samantha Collingswood: In this dumbass town? [ they share the laugh ] Good luck!
Alan French: Oh, tell me about it! We ended up going to Dingo’s, that Outback Steakhouse rip-off.
Samantha Collingswood: You would think even a dumbass town like ours would have a REAL Outback, but NOPE!
Alan French: No. So I asked the waiter to bring the closest thing they had to the Bloomin’ Onion. Guess what he brings?
Samantha Collingswood: Oh, boy!
Alan French: A RAW ONION!! On a PLATE! [ laughs ]
Samantha Collingswood: Unbelievable!
Alan French: I mean, if I hadn’t spent my whole life in this dumbass town full of dumbasses, I would have spit out my drink! But, I just shook my head.
Samantha Collingswood: What else can you do?
Alan French: [ chuckles ] What else can you do! [ pats Samantha across the knee ] How have you been?
Samantha Collingswood: Well, I woke up this morning in a good mood —
Alan French: Oh? Why’s that?
Samantha Collingswood: Well, I had a dream that this dumbass town had been washed away in a flood!
Alan French: [ as he sips his coffee ] Mmm! Wouldn’t that be nice?
Samantha Collingswood: Whoa! Bingo! [ they chuckle together ] And I looked out the window, and I saw the stupid houses full of dumdums, and they were all still there and my heart sunk.
Alan French: [ chuckles ] Aw, that is rough!
Samantha Collingswood: Crushing. I HATE this dumbass town so much!
Alan French: Oh, boy. I know it. So, what do we have on the docket today?
Samantha Collingswood: Well, later we’re gonna be joined by Mayor Tom Riddlin.
Alan French: Oh! You mean, KING of the DUMBASSES!
Samantha Collingswood: The one and only! [ Alan cracks up ] Oh, he’s gonna try and use his tiny chicken brain to explain why our town is dead LAST in every conceivable statewide category except one: SUCKINESS!
Alan French: Alright! Well, let’s check in with the weather. Larry, anything our viewers should know?
[ cut to Larry the weatherman, standing in front of an umbrella graphic ]
Weatherman: Hey, DUMBASSES!! Don’t go outside without one of these! [ points to the umbrella graphic ]
[ cut back to Alan and Samantha ]
Samantha Collingswood: [ faux smiling ] I don’t know he bothers!
Alan French: Ohhh, me neither! Me neither! Let’s walk over and meet cooking expert Pam Dibble, shall we?
Samantha Collingswood: Alright!
[ they walk over to the cooking set, where Pam Dibble waits ]
Samantha Collingswood: Good morning, Pam!
Pam Dibble: [ perky ] Hi, guys!
Alan French: Now, just to clarify — you’re not from this town, correct?
Pam Dibble: Uh — that’s right.
Samantha Collingswood: I guess that explains why you’re not a drooling idiot.
[ Alan and Samantha laugh heartily; Pam joins in to be polite ]
Pam Dibble: Um — I guess!
Samantha Collingswood: Ahhhh!
Alan French: So, what do you have for us today?
Pam Dibble: Well, uh — uh — I’m gonna show you how to make gingerbread cookie ornaments that you can eat.
Samantha Collingswood: Now, just for the goons at home — they shouldn’t eat their other ornaments, right?
Pam Dibble: [ smiles, unsure of the connotation ] Uh — of course not.
Samantha Collingswood: Okay!
Alan French: Well, you can’t assume anything from THESE halfwits!
Pam Dibble: Okay. Uh — so the first thing we’re gonna do is, we’re gonna crack an egg in a bowl —
Alan French: Okay, let me see that thing. [ grabs the egg ] Here we go. [ holds the egg to the camera ] Hey, you GOT that, dumbasses?! That’s an EGG!
Samantha Collingswood: Okay. Now what?
Pam Dibble: [ retrieves the egg from Alan ] Okay. So we crack an egg in a bowl —
Samantha Collingswood: Oh. Oh. [ grabs the bowl, holds it up to the camera ] That’s this metal thing, you dumbasses!
Pam Dibble: [ whispers to Samantha ] Do they know not to put the shells in it?
Samantha Collingswood: I doubt it.
Alan French: No way. No way.
Samantha Collingswood: No.
Pam Dibble: Um — keep the shells out of the bowl —
Alan French: Alright, let’s stop there, Pam. That’s probably all these morons can handle in one day! Maybe we’ll pick it up again tomorrow!
Pam Dibble: Um — I’m sorry. Aren’t you worried that people might call in and complain?
Alan French: Oh, yeah! Yeah, we’re really worried about that! Yeah!
Samantha Collingswood: Right. Um —
[ together, Alan and Samantha mime what a dumbass looks like trying to dial a telephone — holding the receiver to the top of their head, under their arm, up their own ass, etc. ]
Samantha Collingswood: Thanks, Pam!
Alan French: Aww, WORST town on Earth!
Samantha Collingswood: Aw, when we come back: a local moron shows us something worthless!
Air Date:
