Jake Gyllenhaal: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. Thank you so much! Thank you. It is so good to be here. Hosting SNL has always been a dream of mine, so when they called and asked, I said, I would love to host on one condition: no Brokeback Mountain jokes. They said, no problem and here I am.
Jake glances to the left of the front row audience.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Im sorry, uh
Two COWBOYS, one smiling in a silk scarf and one stoic, are watching Jake. The rest of the audience chuckles hard.
Jake Gyllenhaal: I, uh I dont mean to be rude, but, um, uh, can I ask you a question?
Cowboy #1: Absolutely.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Are you guys gay cowboys?
Cowboy #1: No sir.
Cowboy #2: Just regular cowboys.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Ok. Thanks.
Cowboy #1: Oh, one last thing
Jake Gyllenhaal: Yeah.
Cowboy #1: Have a great show.
Cowboy #2: Real big fans.
Cowboy #2 winks at Jake.
Jake Gyllenhaal: I have to say that movie meant a lot to me and doing it opened me up to a unique fan base. And their support was amazing. So if you dont mind, Id really like to do something special for them. You know something the fans of Brokeback would love to see me do. I would like to perform a song from the movie Dreamgirls.
The cowboys applaud and brim with much enthusiasm. Jake starts to don a wig similar to Jennifer Hudsons character Effie from Dreamgirls.
Jake Gyllenhaal: At this point, uh, Effies just been kicked out of the band, and uh, shes also been told shes pregnant.
Jake removes his suit to reveal a black, sparkling cocktail gown.
Jake Gyllenhaal: So, uh, to all of you out there, I say [singing] And I am telling you Im not going. Youre the best man Ill ever know. Theres no way I can ever go, No, no, no, no way No, no, no, no way I’m living without you. Oh, I’m not living without you, Im not living without you
The cowboys are holding hands, cheerful, and swaying to the song.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing] I dont want to be free
Jake makes his way to the cowboys, who grab him, and either caress his mouth or torso with their hands.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing] Tear down the mountains, Yell, scream and shout. You can say what you want, I’m not walking out. Stop all the rivers
Jake moves onto the right side of the front row audience. The first two rows are filled with homosexual cowboys. Jake slaps the knees of all the cowboys in the first row.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing] Push, strike, and kill. I’m not going to leave you, There’s no way I will
Jake returns to the center stage. Three BACK-UP SINGERS, all in red, sparkling, knee-length dresses and matching hairdos, are also on stage joining Jake in the torch song.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing] No, no, no, no way, No, no, no, no way I’m living without you. Oh, I’m not living without you, I’m not living without you. I don’t want to be free. I’m staying, I’m staying, And you, and you, You’re going love me
The back-ups start swaying their backsides while curling up their fists. The two cowboys cant contain themselves.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing] Yes, ah, ooh, ooh, love me, Ooh, ooh, ooh, love me
The back-ups do a short, stomping routine and then tilt their heads down, joined side by side at the shoulders.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing] Love me, Love me, Love me, Love me. You’re going love me.
The back-ups tilt their heads up and extend their right arms out.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Thank you! We got a great show! The Shins are here. So stick around and well be right back!
Jake Gyllenhaal: Thanks to The Shins! Thank you, Lorne Michaels! The cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live!” This has been ABSOLUTELY unbelievable – you should try it sometime! Have a great night!
Lowell Kaplan…..Fred Armisen Jeffrey Liebowitz…..Jake Gyllenhaal Christopher Dolemite…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on Kaplan, Liebowitz and Dolemite standing in front of bookcases filled with law books ]
Lowell Kaplan: It’s time that you found a law firm that cares!
Jeffrey Liebowitz: One that listens to you!
Christopher Dolemite: One that’s gonna break you off a settlement that’s sweet like bear meat!
[ cut to close-up of door to the trio’s law firm, their names underlined below an imprint of the scales of justice ]
Announcer: The lawyers at Kaplan, Liebowitz & Dolemite aren’t like those other big firms – they’re just like YOU!
[ dissolve to photo of Kaplan standing in front of his parents’ townhouse in the suburbs ]
Lowell Kaplan. The son of working class parents from Yonkers —
[ dissolve to photo of Liebowitz standing in front of a public high school ]
Jeffrey Liebowitz. Educated in public high school —
[ dissolve to black-and-white childhood photo of Dolemite with three sexy babes and his Grandfather Dolemite ]
And Christopher Dolemite. Grandson of pimp, street poet, and blaxploitation legend, Dolemite —
[ dissolve back to Kaplan, Liebowitz and Dolemite standing in front of bookcases ]
— are ready to take on your case.
Lowell Kaplan: You want experience? I have over eight years’ service in the New Jersey Municipal Court System!
Christopher Dolemite: I swammed across muddy rivers and ain’t never got wet! I borned an elephant and dared her the mother! I can look up a bull’s ass and tell you the price of butter!
Jeffrey Liebowitz: And I have a degree from Yale Law School.
Christopher Dolemite: Yeah! so light up a joint, take up a doobie, and screw your wig on tight! ‘Cause WE’S the Law Dawgs that BITE!
[Opens with an outside shot of Juliano’s restaurant.Cut to inside, a young couple share a table]
Boyfriend: Wow, Pam I can’t believe we actually got reservations here.
Pam: This is supposed to be the coolest restaurant in the city.
Boyfriend: Yeah, and I even read that the food is cool.
Pam: What do you mean?
Boyfriend: You know, like, the food is supposed to be really cool.
Pam: Oh, I don’t think I’ve ever had cool food before.
Boyfriend: I know. Me neither.
[Waiter brings their plates.]
Waiter: For the lady our Chicken Parmesan and for yousir, the famous Spaghetti and Meatballs. Enjoy.
Pam: Huh.[disappointed]
Waiter: Is there a problem.
Pam: No, no. There’s no problem. Its just that this looks pretty normal.
Boyfriend: Yeah, this just looks like a regular plate of spaghetti and meatballs. I mean, I was kind of expecting something cooler.
Waiter: Look closer.
Boyfriend: I don’t see any—wait a second. Now I, nowI see![Close up on the plate of spaghetti the twomeatballs have dark shades on and are dancing to coolelectronic music] Oh, wow! Look at that! It really is cool!
Pam: Those are the coolest meatballs I’ve ever seen!
Boyfriend: I know! They’re wearing sunglasses. That is so cool!
[Smoke rises from Pam boyfriend’s plate]
Pam: Uh-oh, it looks like your meatballs are smoking.
Boyfriend: Oh, yeah.
Pam: No, I mean, they are actually smoking!
[Close up on the cool meatballs. They smoke theircigarettes without a care in the world]
Boyfriend: I didn’t think you could smoke in this restaurant.
Pam: Oh man, these meatballs don’t care. They’re so rebellious!
Boyfriend: I know! I don’t even know if I want to eatthem or ask them to make me a mix tape!
Pam: You know, I’m actually getting really hungry. Ithink I’m going to have to start eating at some point.
Boyfriend: Yeah, I guess we really should eat.
Pam: Hey, where did my chicken parm go?
Boyfriend: I think I found it.
[Close up reveals that the cool Chicken Parmesan havejoined the cool Meatballs. Cool Meatball 1 plays thekeyboard guitar, Cool Meatball 2 plays the saxophone.Cool Chicken Parmesan plays the tambourine]
Pam: Well, this is just getting ridiculous.
Boyfriend: Yeah, ridiculously cool!!
Pam: I guess but what am I supposed to eat?
Boyfriend: You know, just have one of my meatballs. I have two.
Pam: Are you sure?
Boyfriend: Yeah, do it. The little guys have to eaten.I mean, we have to eat, right?
Pam: Right, ok, here I go.
[Close-up on plate, big fork impales the Cool Meatball2 on the side. Cool Meatball 2 with the sax screams inhorror and pain. Cool Meatball 1 and Cool ChickenParmesan are terrified]
Cool Meatball 2: Nooo!!!!
Cool Meatball 1: Aaaaahhh!!!!
Cool Chicken Parmesan: Oh, God!!!
[Pam eats the meatball and pulls out of her mouth a tiny saxophone]
Pam: Oh, look! A little saxophone! How cute!
Boyfriend: Man, this food is the coolest!
Pam: I know. I hope they’re not too upset about losing their friend.
[Cool Meatball 1 and Cool Chicken Parmesan are bummedout but they start dancing to the cool electronic music]
Boyfriend: They’re ok.
Pam: Oh, good.
Boyfriend: Hey, you know what we should do?
Pam: What’s that?
Boyfriend: We should stop doing mushrooms and going to restaurants.
Pam: Why?
[Close-up on Cool Meatball 1 and Cool Chicken Parmesan dancing]
A Special Message From the President of the United States
President George W. Bush…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on Presidential seal ]
Announcer: The following is a special address by the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President George W. Bush standing alone in a room at the White House ]
President George W. Bush: Good evening. Three nights ago, I spoke to you about a new strategy for victory in Iraq. A strategy that involved.. a troop surge. The temporary committment of an additional 21,000 U.S. military personnel. From what I’ve been told, the plan was very well-received. Most people thought it was a fantastic plan, and would work beautifully if given a chance. Of course, the plan had its critics as well. Some, whothink the solution is to cut and run, oppose deployment of any additional troops to Iraq. Others argue that the troop surge is too small. That 21,000 is not enough to get the job done. And that this plan amounts to a “doubling down” on a bad hand. Upon reflection, I believe these critics are right: 21,000 additional troops is not enough. And, with the very survival of our way of life at stake, this is not a time to merely “double down.” It’s a time to go “all in.”
Accordingly, as Commander-in-Chief, I’m ordering the immediate deployment to Iraq of ALL U.S. military personnel. Whether active duty, or reserve. Including: Army, Marine Corps, Air Force, Navy, Coast Guard, Merchant Marine, and shore patrol. Every single man or woman currently serving in any branch of our armed forces.
In additional, I will use my authority to send to Iraq all other uniformed personnel residing in the U.S., who have training with firearms. Policemen, Corrections Officers, U.S. Marshalls, FBI agents, private security guards, Civil War re-enactors, and, of ocurse, astronauts. And our nation’s armed criminal element will have a role as well. The Crips. The Bloods. MS-13, and the Jamaican drug posses, have all been asked to do their part in Iraq, and I have no doubt they will answer their country’s call. For this is every American’s fight. And, if you wear a uniform, and regularly carry a gun, we need you in Iraq. whether you’re a New Jersey state trooper – or Allen Iverson.
And yet, vast as this force will be, it may not be enough to secure victory. That is why I’ve asked from Congress – and expect to receive – authority to draft other Americans in uniform for service in Iraq. Who are these other Americans? In short, they’re our country’s true strength. Its forgotten heroes. Though they, too, wear a uniform, we don’t usually think of them as defending our freedom. But they do. Everyday. I’m talking about America’s firemen, mailmen, park rangers, uniformed sanitation workers, doormen, train conductors, toll booth operators, zookeepers, nursing home attendants, bartenders, Catholic schoolgirls, casino croupiers, limo drivers, shriners, pizza delivery men, exterminators, valet parkers, Explorer Scouts, cleaning ladies, and Century 21 agents. After six weeks of military training, these will join the other troops in Iraq, bringing our total force in that region by Summer to nearly 75 million. Three times the population of the country, and twelve times that of Baghdad. If a force that size can’t do the job, well.. we can always add more! [ laughs ]
Critics of this plan will no doubt cite logistical concerns. “How will such a large force be deployed to Iraq?” Well.. surely with a force that size, some kind of discount – or charter fare – would be available. “How would that many troops be fed and housed?” My answer: there are any number of private firms that could handle the job. Personally, I recommend a company called Halliburton. And, finaly, “With nearly every able-bodied American, aged 16 through 60, serving in Iraq, who would be left to defend our homeland from attack?” That one’s easy. The same people who have been doing it for nearly one-hundred years: the men and women of the Texas Air National Guard.
Thank you. And, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
[Open with a dilapidated Bronx building.Theme music playing. Camera pans back and it shows the TV studio for Bronx Beat. Betty and Jodi are sitting down chewing gum. They are having a conversation already. They have strong New York accents.]
Betty Caruso: We’re on? All right. Hello.
Jodi Dietz: Hello.
Betty Caruso: Hello. Welcome to our show. This is Bronx Beat. I am Betty Caruso, she’s Jodi Dietz.
Jodi Dietz: Hello.
Betty Caruso: You know what? I’m already exhausted.
Jodi Dietz: Tell me about it.
Betty Caruso: I’m so exhausted. Why do we say we gotta do this show? We don’t have time.
Jodi Dietz: Tell me about it. I gotta take my daughters to school and the other one with the extra class, she’s got to be there at 6:30 in the morning. I don’t got enough going on? My morning is like a triathlon. With swimming, running, jumping.
Betty Caruso: What are they? Horses?
Jodi Dietz: I know. Its ridiculous!
Betty Caruso: Are they horses or kids? Its too much. Enough. No, thank you. Really!
Jodi Dietz: Seriously.
Betty Caruso: Beat it!
Jodi Dietz: What’s in the news?
Betty Caruso: Oh, God! the weather here—
Jodi Dietz: Ugh, its 70 degrees outside in New York.
Betty Caruso: Its nuts!
Jodi Dietz: Its nuts! What is that?
Betty Caruso: What’s wrong with it? The whole world is gonna blow up, I swear!
Jodi Dietz: Its true. My mother gave me the most beautiful leather coat on my birthday. You know how many times I’ve worn it this year? O.00.
Betty Caruso: Its bananas! The whole world is bananas. You know what I say? Live your life cause the world is gonna blow up!
Jodi Dietz: She’s right. Enjoy your family, enjoy your friends, have a glass of wine.
Betty Caruso: Have 2 glasses of wine, have 10 glasses of wine. What do I care? What am I? The police or something? You know what I say? Smoke ’em if you got ’em.
Jodi Dietz: Smoke’em if you got ’em. All right. Let’s introduce our guest.
Betty Caruso: Oh, God! The guest–
Jodi Dietz: I know. Tell me about it.
Betty Caruso: All right. Here we go.
Jodi Dietz: Here we go. Buckle up.
[Betty picks up an index card]
Betty Caruso: All right. I can’t read this. This is chicken scratch. Who wrote this?
Jodi Dietz: It’s mine. I’m sorry. I’m a mess.
Betty Caruso: You have terrible penmanship.
Jodi Dietz: Its my eyes.
Betty Caruso: Well, you tried the best you can. All right, here we go. Let’s just bring him on, ok? Bring him on.
Jodi Dietz: He’ll tell us his name. Come on out, come on out. Have a seat.
[Theme music plays. A handsome, athletic dude with a book sits next to them]
Betty Caruso: Sit down.
Jodi Dietz: What’s your name?
Frank O’Connor: Hello. I’m Frank O’Connor.
Betty Caruso: Oh my God! Look at him! He’s gorgeous.
Jodi Dietz: He’s gorgeous. Look at that face.
Betty Caruso: Love him. He’s adorable, adorable face.
Jodi Dietz: So you wrote a book, sweetheart?
Frank O’Connor: Yes.
Betty Caruso: So adorable. Look at his face. I’m loving his face.
Jodi Dietz: Those eyes!
Betty Caruso: What are you? Part Indian?
Jodi Dietz: You Cherokee?
Betty Caruso: Look at those cheekbones. What are you? Sioux? You Sioux? You got Sioux in you?
Jodi Dietz: You Chippewa?
Betty Caruso: Got a little Sioux in you?
Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?
Betty Caruso: What are you? Apache?
Jodi Dietz: You Mohegan?
Betty and Jodi Dietz: Mohegan?!
Betty Caruso: Yeah, when you go out gambling do you go to Mohegan or Fox woods? What are you? Tell us.
Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?
Betty Caruso: You got Sioux in you?
Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?
Betty Caruso: Sioux?
Frank O’Connor: Uh, well, I’m Irish-Italian.
Betty Caruso: Oh, God! Temper, temper.
Jodi Dietz: That’s a terrible mix.
Betty Caruso: Not features-wise, obviously, not features-wise but temperament, no. Terrible bargain.
Jodi Dietz: Tell us what your book is about, sweetheart.
Frank O’Connor: It’s a guide to the best mountain-biking trails in the United States.
Betty Caruso: Uh-huh.
[Betty and Jodi don’t give a crap about the book]
Betty Caruso: Let me ask you something, Frank. You married?
Frank O’Connor: Well, I have a girlfriend.
Jodi Dietz: Why haven’t you asked your girlfriend to marry you?
Betty Caruso: You know what? Don’t get married. Listen to us. Don’t get married, the minute you do your life is over, over!
Jodi Dietz: She’s right. You know what? My husband, I want to kill him. I want to strangle him while he’s asleep. I want to kill him. But you know what? [voice breaking] I love him. He’s the love of my life.
Betty Caruso: Here we go with the waterworks.
Jodi Dietz: He gave me my two daughters. What am I gonna do?
Betty Caruso: So emotional these days!
Jodi Dietz: Its true. Can’t help it. Gave me the 2 daughters. I would die without him.
Betty Caruso: You know what, Frank? Do whatever you want. What am I? An expert?
Jodi Dietz: She’s right. Don’t listen to us.
Betty Caruso: So, your book. You like to ride bikes?
Frank O’Connor: Yes. I traveled all over the country and found the best trails and rated them according to difficulty and size and—
Jodi Dietz: Uh-huh, you know how many times I had sex last year, Frankie? 0.00 times. It was my choice. This area [her crotch] it’s got the Ghostbusters thing over it. No one’s allowed in there.
Betty Caruso: No trespassing.
Jodi Dietz: No trespassing. Closed for business. You know that red circle with the line? That Ghostbusters thing? It’s my choice.
Betty Caruso: You know what? When my husband wants to get sexy, you know what I say to him? Go look at a picture of Angelina Jolie.
Jodi Dietz: Ugh, take a hike, that one.
Betty Caruso: God, that one.
Jodi Dietz: Give me a break.
Betty Caruso: Always talking. So dumb.
Jodi Dietz: Oh, I had enough.
Betty Caruso: Oh, God. Enough of her.
Jodi Dietz: Oh, please.[to Frank] Oh, so, thank you very much.
Betty Caruso: Good luck with your book, Frank. Bye-bye.
Jodi Dietz: Bye-bye.
Frank O’Connor: Um, ok, uh, thanks.[leaves]
Jodi Dietz: He’s adorable. Delicious.
Betty Caruso: Nice, kind eyes.
Jodi Dietz: You can say that again.
Betty Caruso: Very kind eyes.
Jodi Dietz: God bless him and God bless that book.
Betty Caruso: I loved him. He was a doll. All right, now we have to take a call. How does this work?
[Looks at the telephone for the speaker]
Jodi Dietz: Oh, please. I have no idea. This thing drives me nuts. It’s too complex.
Betty Caruso: Its like starship enterprise over here.
Jodi Dietz: Press that. That thing.
[Betty presses a button on the phone]
Betty Caruso: Here we go. Hello?
Jodi Dietz: Hello.
Betty Caruso: Caller?
[Voice from the speakerphone]
DeeDee: Hi, girls!
Jodi Dietz: Hi, Deedee.
Betty Caruso: Hi, Deedee. How cute was he?
Jodi Dietz: How cute was he?
DeeDee: What?!
Jodi Dietz: Can you hear us Deedee?
Betty Caruso: God, the speakerphone is junk!
DeeDee: I’m at Shop Rite. The lines are huge!
Jodi Dietz: Deedee, hello? Can you hear us?
DeeDee: I can’t find one cashew in the whole store!
Betty Caruso: You know what? Hang it up.
DeeDee: Does Ocean Spray have carbs?
Betty Caruso: Hang up, hang up. She’s gonna start swearing! Hang up the phone.
Jodi Dietz: She drives me nuts.
Betty Caruso: What is she doing looking for a cashew?
Jodi Dietz: Good-bye, Deedee. I’m hanging up.
[Call ends]
Betty Caruso: Why is she at Shop Rite?
Jodi Dietz: I don’t know. She drives me nuts. You know who I miss? That kid.
Betty Caruso: Oh, Frankie.
Jodi Dietz: Frankie, let’s get him back here.
Betty Caruso: God, he’s adorable.
Jodi Dietz: Where is he?[to someone off camera]Jenna, where is he?
Betty Caruso: Jenna, where is he?
Jodi Dietz: He’s in the bathroom? Get him back out here.
Betty Caruso: What is he? The King of England? Knock on the door. Get him back out here.
Jodi Dietz: Knock on the door.
[Frank joins them again]
Frank O’Connor: Should I bring my book?
Jodi Dietz: No. Just sit, honey. You’re adorable. Have a seat. Look at you.
Betty Caruso: Tell me something, Frankie. What are you? A Leo?
Jodi Dietz: You know why? He’s a good boy. You know why? ‘Cause he’s good to his mother. He’s got a nice smile. You love your mother don’t you, Frankie?
[Frank smiles]
Jodi Dietz: Look at the mouth! Look at the corner of the mouth! His eyes light up.
Betty Caruso: He’s adorable, love you. All right, tell us about your book.
Frank O’Connor: Well, I’ve been riding for years and I–
Betty Caruso: By the way, did you smell that weird smell in the city the other day?
Jodi Dietz: Weird!
Betty Caruso: The whole city smelled like garbage.
Jodi Dietz: What was that? You know what it smelled like? The city smelled like a pickle. You know, it smelled like when you cook fish in the house.
Betty Caruso: Oh, you know what? When my husband brings in fish into the house I say “go have your other wife cook it”.
[Theme music plays]
Jodi Dietz: Exactly.
Betty Caruso: Go have Angelina Jolie cook it. That one drives me nuts.
Jodi Dietz: Oh, she’s nuts.
Betty Caruso: She’s absolutely bananas.
Jodi Dietz: You’re adorable. How old are you?
Betty Caruso: How old are you?
Frank O’Connor: I, uh, what? I’m a Gemini…
[Bronx Beat with Betty and Jodi logo appears. They continue talking to Frank]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
January 13th, 2007 Jake Gyllenhaal The Shins None None A Special Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) makes the case for deploying even more troops into Baghdad, from esteemed military personnel to park rangers and mailmen. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush. Transcript
Montage
Jake Gyllenhaal’s MonologueSummary: To appease fans of “Brokeback Mountain”, Jake Gyllenhaal dons drag clothing and sings a tune from “Dreamgirls.” Bio: Jake Gyllenhaal (1980-). Actor; son of director Stephen Gyllenhaal and screenwriter Naomi Foner, and brother of actress Maggie Gyllenhaal; film debut as Billy Crystal’s son in “City Slickers” (1991); later film credits include “Bubble Boy” (2001), “Brokeback Mountain” (2004), “Jarhead” (2005), “Zodiac” (2007). Transcript
Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) and co-host T’Shane (Andy Samberg) dish out more of the club music scene. Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, T’Shane.
Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter about what’s happening in New York this week and make googly-eyes with young author, Frank O’Connor (Jake Gyllenhaal). Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Josi Deitz. Transcript
Donald Trump Press ConferenceSummary: Despite his requests to hold a press conference for “The Apprentice: Los Angeles” without taking questions about Rosie O’Donnell, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) keeps dropping her name anyway. Recurring Characters: Donald Trump. Transcript
Cool RestaurantSummary: A couple (Jake Gyllenhaal, Kristen Wiig) on a date are excited about to be dining at the coolest restaurant in town, where even the meatballs (Andy Samberg, Fred Armisen) are so cool that they smoke and play musical instruments. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg return to Lorne Michaels’ office to show off their new and improved homemade sci-fi video for “Laser Cats 2!”, which is barely any different from their first “Laser Cats!” film.
Stock Footage AwardsSummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) and Jane Pauley (Kristen Wiig) distribute awards for the best video stock footage to appear in news stories during the past year. Recurring Characters: Dan Rather, Jane Pauley.
The Shins perform “Phantom Limb”Bio: Indie rock group based out of Portland, Oregon; members: James Russell Mercer, Martin Crandall, Dave Hernandez, Jesse Sandoval, and Eric Johnson. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Apple’s Steve Jobs (Fred Armisen) introduces the ridiculous capabilities of the new iPhone and plugs “The Office.” Strapped-for-cash Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) announces that she is auctioning off her belongings. Recurring Characters: Steve Jobs, Whitney Houston.
“Law & Order” Master ClassSummary: Actress Catherine Fontaine (Amy Poehler) teaches a workshop for actors who strive to land a three-line role on any of the “Law & Order” programs. Transcript
Wheelchair DatesSummary: Jeff (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Anna (Maya Rudolph) claim that they’ve tried to set up Rob (Jason Sudeikis) with Jamie (Kristen Wiig) because they have so much in common, not because they’re both confined to wheelchairs. Transcript
Kaplan, Leibowitz & DolemiteSummary: Lowell Kaplan (Fred Armisen), Jeffrey Leibowitz (Jake Gyllenhaal) & Christopher Dolemite (Kenan Thompson) are small-scale lawyers who are just like you. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Gunther MountainSummary: Snow blowers keep the mountain open year round for skiing.
Are They Crazy?Summary: Contestants are challenged to guess whether or not people truly are crazy.
Siamese TwinsSummary: A pair of Siamese Twins (Will Forte, Dane Cook) teach a class. Note: This sketch was previously cut from the season premiere with Dane Cook.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg stars in a series of movie trailers.
The DVDSummary: Co-workers ponder the ownership of a “Beetlejuice” DVD left lying around.
…..Seth Meyers …..Amy Poehler Lou Dobbs…..Darrell Hammond Gay Guy from New Jersey…..Fred Armisen Vinnie…..Bill Hader
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonigt’s top stories:
On Monday, President Bush sought advice on Iraq from senior State Department officials, historians, and former generals. When the President asked why everyone was so quiet, an aide informed him that he was actually standing next to the White House nativity scene.
Muhammad Yunus, a Bangladeshi economist, accepted the Nobel Peace Prize on Sunday for his program to help the poor through tiny loans. Or as it’s called in this country: stripping.
Seth Meyers: On Friday, The Defense Department saluted exiting Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld with a full honor review by the armed forces, and speeches of gratitude from George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Osama bin Laden.
On Sunday, Reverend Paul Barnes, the pastor of a Denver mega-church, resigned after confessing to having sex with men, saying that he had often begged God to end his homosexual urges. Unfortunately, God just kept introducing him to hotter and hotter dudes.
Amy Poehler: That’s how it goes. On Tuesday, Immigration and Customs enforcement agents rounded up hundreds of immigrant workers at six Swift and Co. food processing plants, as part of a vast identify theft investigation. Here to offer his take on the siutation — from CNN’s “Lou Dobbs Tonight”, Lou Dobbs.
Lou Dobbs: Seth, Amy? Thanks for having me. While I applaud Immigration and Customs enforcement for this latest round, I think it only underscores the fact that our nation’s borders are broken. These are undocumented, illegal workers with direct access to our country’s vulnerable food supply. Meanwhile, the cause of the recent E. Coli outbreak at Taco Bell restaurants is still unknown. And, you know, Amy — people accuse me all the time of being anti-Mexican but all I’m saying is that, this week, if you ate a taco, you could’ve died. That is just a fact. But do the fat cats in Washington have a solution? Nothing that I’ve heard about.
Now I know there are a lot of naysayers out there who say that a 700-mile long wall between our country and Mexico is a waste of time and money that won’t stop anyone from crossing our borders. To that I say, why not build a second 700-mile long wall? Once the immigrants cross over a first wall, they’ll surely be crest-fallen to see another wall staring in their face. Then, put up a sign that says: “Wall #2 of 50.” We don’t have to build another 48 walls, as illegals will have to assume that any government insane enough to build two 700-mile long walls may JUST HAVE.. built 48 more. Now, I see you saying, “Lou, these Mexicans have shown time and time again that they have an unbreakable resolve to get into this great country of ours.. which is why I say, in the space between the two walls, we should build a 700-mile long trap door. Leading to a 700-mile long slide that will take the illegals right back to where they started.. in Mexico. It’s called a workable solution, and I just think there’s altogether too few of them coming out of Washington these days.
Amy Poehler: I agree. Thank you. Lou Dobbs, everybody.
Seth Meyers: Elizabeth “Lizzie” Bolden, the world’s oldest person, died Monday in a Memphis nursing home at the age of 116. Man, it’s like that title, “World’s Oldest Person”, is cursed or something.
Barack Obama was in New Hampshire Sunday. When informed of this, President Bush excitedly asked, “Did we catch him?”
Amy Poehler: [ Chanukah slide with menorah ] Friday night marked the first night of the War on Christmas.
President George W. Bush said this week that he believes Vice President Dick Cheney’s pregnant lesbian daughter Mary will make a “fine mom.” And then he then threw up a little bit in his mouth.
In an interview with Congressional Quarterly, Representative Silvestre Reyes, the incoming chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, did not know the difference between Sunni and Shiite Muslims. To which everyone else in Congress said, “Oh my God, I’m so glad you said that! I thought I was the only one!”
Seth Meyers: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is reporting that the number of people infected with E. Coli poisoning from Taco Bell is now at 71, thanks in large part to the new Xitlupa.
Authorities in India plan to release 47 leopards into the wild with electromagnetic chips planted in their tails, but will haul them back to captivity if they attack people. [ presses finger to receiver in his ear ] Annnnnnd.. they’ve just been hauled back in for attacking people.
Authorities have ordered Amish families in western New York state to stop employing their teenage children in sawmilling, woodworking and construction work. Upon hearing the news, one outraged Amish man fired off an angry response. But it didn’t get very far, as his Blackberry is an actual blackberry.
Amy Poehler: Blackberries! [ chuckles ]
The Golden State Fence Company, which built part of the border fence between California and Mexico, pleaded guilty in federal court on Thursday to hiring illegal workers. Proving that illegal immigrants are doing the jobs Americans won’t do to keep Mexicans from taking the jobs that Americans won’t do.
Seth Meyers: New Jersey legislature voted on Thursday to make New Jersey the third state in the nation to recognize civil unions for same-sex couples. Here to comment is.. the gay couple from New Jersey.
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Ohhh!!
Vinnie: Ohhh!!
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Hello, Seth and Amy.
Vinnie: [ grabs Gay Guy’s hand ] Look at him — he’s completely CI-VIL!! Ohhh!!
Together: Ohhhhhhh!!!!
Seth Meyers: Ah, just to clarify — the ruling recognizes civil unions, and not actual marriages. Is that correct?
Gay Guy from New Jersey: That’s RIGHT! New Jersey’s establishing the parallel institution of civil unions, joining Connecticut and Vermont!
Vinnie: What’s nice about New Jersey is that it’s not as gay as those OTHER two states! If you know what I mean!
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Yeah! [ holds his hands up to his head ] “I’m from Ver-monnnt!”
Vinnie: [ makes Vermont-gat motions ]
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Come on! Come on!
Seth Meyers: So.. what are you guys gonna give each other for Christmas?
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Well.. I don’t know what he wants.. but he’s gonna get a nice cashmere robe. He walks around our apartment like it’s a NUDE BEACH!
Vinnie: You like it!
Gay Guy from New Jersey: [ whispers ] Like it? I love it!
Vinnie: Ohhhh!!
Together: Ohhhhh!!!
Seth Meyers: Well, what — what would you like for a present?
Vinnie: Well, my eye’s on a meat freezer that’s big enough to store an ANIMAL! Say a deer, or a small bear that doesn’t pay off his loans.
Seth Meyers: And, what about you?
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Have you not been listenin’, Seth? Huh?! [ wraps his hands around Vinnie’s face ] I get to spend the rest of my life with this beautiful sonofabitch! My Christmas wishes have already come true.
Vinnie: [ straightens up ] Oh.
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Oh.
Seth Meyers: Uh —
Vinnie: [ holds mistletoe over his head ] Over here? [ grins laciviously as he chews his gum, points to himself ]
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Ohh!
Vinnie: [ lowers the mistletoe to his chest ] Over here?
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Oh!
Vinnie: [ lowers it below the desk ] Over here?
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Ohhhh!
Vinnie: Ohhhh!
Seth Meyers: Ohhhh! The gay couple from New Jersey, everyone! Great job.
Amy Poehler: On Monday night, Senator Barack Obama introduced the Monday Night Football game between the Chicago Bears and St. Louis Rams. Not to be outdone, Hillary Clinton had three sacks and a fumble recovery.
Mattel said that sales of Barbies this year are up for the first time in several years, thanks in part to America’s renewed interest in hairless vaginas!
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ dissolve to Singer 1 sharing a tender, romantic moment with his lady in front of a crisp fire ]
[ the video cuts back and forth between this scene and both singers strutting their hardcore R&B moves in various locations – in a park, on a basketball court, on a ferry, etc. ]
Singer 1: “Hey, girl. I got something real important to give you. So, just sit down.. and listen:
Girl, you know we been together, such a long, long time.”
Singer 2: “Such a long time.”
Singer 1: “And now I’m ready, to lay it on the li-ine.”
Singer 2: “Wow, you know it’s Christmas, and my heart is open wide Gonna give you something, so you know what’s on my mind.”
Singer 1: “A gift real special, so take off the top.”
Singer 2: “Take a look inside, it’s my dick in a box.”
[ introduce various cuts of the duo posing with gift boxes attached to their crotches ]
Together: “Not gonna get you a diamond ring That sort of gift don’t mean anything Not gonna get you a fancy car Girl, you gotta know you’re my shining star Not gonna get you a house in the hills A girl like you needs something real I want to get you something from the heart Something special, girl
It’s my dick in a box! In a box, baby. It’s my dick in a box! My dick in a box, girl.
See, I’m wise enough to know when a gift needs giving, girl And I’ve got just the one I’m gonna show you that you are second to none.
All the fellas out there, with ladies to impress It’s easy to do, just follow these steps:
1. Cut a hole in a box.
2. Put your junk in that box.
3. Make her open the box.
And that’s the way you do it.
It’s my dick in a box! My dick in a box, baby. It’s my dick in a box! Oo-oo-ooh, my dick in a box, girl.”
Singer 1: “Christmas.”
Singer 2: “A dick in a box.”
Singer 1: “Hanukkah.”
Singer 2: “A dick in a box.”
Singer 1: “Kwanzaa.”
Singer 2: “A dick in a box. Every single holiday, a dick in a box. Over at your parents house, a dick in a box Meat Day at the grocery store, a dick in a box. Backstage at the CMAs, a dick in a bo-o-o-o-o-xxxx Yeah, yeah, yeah..”
[ by now, the duo has been arrested, handcuffed and placed in the back of a police car for indecent exposure ]
Air Date:
