[ open on stock footage of Saddam Hussein being led to the gallows in Iraq ]
Announcer: Are you the leader of a fledgling democracy? Does this keep happening to you? Do your public executions typically end in embarrasment, decapitation, or worse?
[ dissolve to the Lansford Brothers standing in front of a hangman’s noose ]
Lansford Brother 1: It doesn’t have to be this way. Why not leave the hangin’ to the professionals at Lansford Brothers and Associates Hangmen-at-Law? For a hundred years now, we’ve been hangin’ cattle rustlers, trespassers, and people who answered “No” to the question: “You ain’t from around here, are you, son?” So I think we know a thing or two about the art of a Texas necktie party.
[ Lansford Brother 2 unrolls a tape measurer ]
Lansford Brother 1: As part of the Lansford Brothers promise, we will measure twice, and hang once. ‘Cause hangin’ is all about a long drop —
Lansford Brother 2: — and a sudden stop!
Lansford Brother 1: No one wants an international war criminal hittin’ the bricks like a drunk bungee jumper at the county fair. Or worse — [ Lansford Brother 2 sticks a finger in his mouth to make a cork-popping sound effect ] Pop Goes the Weasel!
Lansford Brother 2: In this case, the weasel’s his head!
Lansford Brother 1: And, best of all, we won’t change any Shiite slogans.
Lansford Brother 2: We don’t know any Shiite slogans!
Lansford Brother 1: Never have, never will. Wouldn’t chant ’em, if we did. We’re the best there is! Don’t believe me? Why not take it from our corporate mascot, professional Sammy Hagar impersonator – Sammy Hangar.
[ cut to Sammy Hangar, standing in front of a neon hangman’s noose with a secodn hangman’s noose dangling from his guitar neck ]
Sammy Hangar: “I.. CAN.. HANG.. FIFTY-FIIIIIIIIVE!!!!” No Baath Party associates!!
[ cut back to the Lansford Brothers ]
Lansford Brother 1: So, next tme you find yourself sayin’:
Lansford Brother 2: “Need a rope?”
Lansford Brother 1: Why not get that rope from the true professinoals at Lansford Brothers & Associates Hangmen-at-Law? We know what we’re doin’!
[ quick zoom on the hangman’s noose ]
[ title board falls down ]
Announcer: Lansford Brothers & Associates Hangmen-at-Law. A division of Halliburton.
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond Hillary Rodham Clinton…..Amy Poehler
Chris Matthews: I’ve waited years for this, but Senator Hillary Clinton has finally agreed to sit down with me one on one on the day she announces for president. I’m Chris Matthews, let’s play Hardball.
[opening montage rolls, then returns on Chris Matthews]
Chris Matthews: Welcome to Hardball, I’m Chris Matthews. [applause] With us here in the studio for the first time ever on the show, I’m pleased to be joined by the junior senator from the state of New York, Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Hillary Clinton: Thank you.
Chris Matthews: Senator, may I say, you’re great.
Hillary Clinton: Thank you Chris.
Chris Matthews: Now, in order to book you I had to agree some ground rules which, I’ll be honest, I’m not totally crazy about. But, as we say in the business, you’re a tough cat, and you’re great.
Hillary Clinton: Again, Chris, you’re too kind.
Chris Matthews: No, no, you’re too kind. And as I’ve mentioned already, you’re also great. But this is Hardball, I’ve gotta ask you some questions.
Hillary Clinton: Uh-oh. [she laughs forcibly] Here it comes. [giggles]
Chris Matthews: This one was actually written by a member of your staff. You’re somehow able to juggle so many demanding roles: Senator, wife, mother, author, jurist, statesman, philosopher, teacher, inventor, warrior, astrophysicist, explorer, stunt pilot, deep sea diver, motor cross racer. I guess I don’t have a question exactly, except to say: You’re great.
Hillary Clinton: Gosh, Chris, thank you. You flatter me.
Chris Matthews: Now, I have some questions, too. Is it alright if they’re about Iraq?
Hillary Clinton: That depends. May I see them? [she gets cards with tough questions and tries to choose one] No. [skip card] No. [skip card] No. [finally chooses one] This one’s okay.
Chris Matthews: Along with senator Joe Lieberman you’re probably the leading democratic supporter of the war in Iraq, but this week you reversed your position. What changed your mind?
Hillary Clinton: As you know Chris, I’ve just returned from from a fact-finding tour of Iraq, and what I saw there made me realize we were on the wrong course.
Chris Matthews: What is it you saw in Iraq?
Hillary Clinton: This. [she points a newspaper graphic] It’s from the International Herald Tribune
Chris Matthews: [Newspaper graphic goes up] Hillary’s Support of War Hurts Her with Party Base; Obama Surges to Lead in Latest Poll of Democrats [shouts] That’s not good. And this newspaper is what you saw in Iraq?
Hillary Clinton: Exactly. It came free in my hotel room along with U.S.A. Today.
Chris Matthews: So, what’s your new plan for Iraq?
Hillary Clinton: Chris, this week I’ll introduce a resolution calling for a greatly speeded up withdrawal of U.S. forces with a specific trigger mechanism. For every 1 point increase in senator Obama’s pole numbers, 7,500 U.S. troops will have to be withdrawn. Of course, if his pole numbers should collapse, or, if he drops out of the race, the troops can stay in Iraq.
Chris Matthews: I get it, but what about those democratic primary voters who are still upset about your initial vote for the war?
Hillary Clinton: Chris, I think most democrats know me. They understand that my support for the war was always insincere. Of course, knowing what we know now, that you could vote against the war and still be elected president, I would never have pretended to support it.
Chris Matthews: Uh-huh.
Hillary Clinton: I mean, for heaven’s sake, look at my record. I don’t even support necessary wars!
Chris Matthews: But a lot of democrats like the fact that Obama was always against the war.
Hillary Clinton: He seems to take positions based on studying an issue and then following his convictions. Which is perfectly alright. But suppose he were to go to Iraq and conclude that the war was necessary, after all, he might decide to support it. Can we really trust someone like that?
Chris Matthews: I never looked at it that way.
Hillary Clinton: Whereas with me, the democratic base knows I’m not going to reverse my stance on the war a second time. Unless, of course, they want me to.
Chris Matthews: Does it bother you that Obama gets such a free ride from the media?
Hillary Clinton: Goodness gracious. Chris, that’s something I can’t worry about. Though, I will say, it’s interesting that the media constantly refers to him as black. When we all know, and let’s be honest, he’s only half-black.
Chris Matthews: True?
Hillary Clinton: I mean, I’m half-black. And a woman. But so what? I think voters want to hear about the issues.
Chris Matthews: You’re half black? I never realized.
Hillary Clinton: Well, it’s something I don’t wear on my sleeve. I only recently found that out.
Chris Matthews: Of course, your critics might say, you don’t really look at all black.
Hillary Clinton: You know, Chris, isn’t it interesting how when a male senator says he’s half-black he’s immediately taken at his word. But when a female senator says the same thing, suddenly she has to prove it.
Chris Matthews: The old double standard.
Hillary Clinton: Exactly.
Chris Matthews: Does Obama have the experience to be president?
Hillary Clinton: [laughs] Heavens to mergatroid, Chris. I’m not gonna comment on that. As to his experience and his hatred of women, the voters will have to judge.
Chris Matthews: You think he hates women?
Hillary Clinton: Well, Chris, I think the fact that knowing I’m running for president he would deliberately form an exploratory committee to run himself in the same election, when he has to know he’d be running against me, well, I mean, jimaneecricket! At the very least, it shows a certain lack of respect for women.
Chris Matthews: But in fairness to senator Obama, until today when you’ve been asked if you were running for president, you’ve always denied it.
Hillary Clinton: [ angry ] What? [ beep ] that [ beep ]. He knew I was running for president. [ beep ] [ beep ]. Is there anyone in the [ beep ] country who didn’t know I was running for president?! I’ve been running for president since I was 5. Are you [beep]-tarded? [ the audience cheers wildly, Hillary gets relaxed ] I’m sorry, Chris. It’s just that getting elected president is something I feel passionately about.
Chris Matthews: That really comes through. And on that note, we’re about out of time. I want to thank you senator for graciously agreeing to this interview. But I did have one last favor to ask. You’re so great. It’d be just a huge thrill for me you know, to kinda open the show with you, you know, sorta, joint, sorta opening. Is there a chance…Hillary Clinton: Aww… I don’t think so. [shouts] Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!!!!!!
Jeremy Piven: Thanks to AFI, everybody. [ begins clapping with the crowd ] And to my man, Common, here. We’ve got – we’ve got “Smokin’ Aces”, and he goes down next Friday, Jauary 26th. Everyone here at SNL, it’s, uh — ?? you took very good care of me. and, uh, speaking of The Bears — [ places a Bears cap on his head ] They’ve got a big day tomorrow, we wish them well!
Common ..himself DJ .Kenan Thompson Terry .Jeremy Piven Blizzard Man .Andy Samberg
[Opens with a sign at a venue reading PLAYING TONIGHT: COMMON.]
Terry: Common, my man! There he is! Listen, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news. The bad news: John Legends not gonna make it. The good news? We got you a replacement.
Common: Yeah, who you got?
Terry: The Blizzard Man!
DJ: The Blizzard Man? Yo, I heard he all over Ludacris new album.
Terry: Yeah, well you know what? We got him!
Common: For real?
Terry: Yes. Yo, Bliz, come on out here!
[Blizzard Man enters]
Terry: There he is! Bliz, Bliz, Bliz! Bliz, Id like you to meet Common. Common, this is Bliz.
Common: How you doin man?
Blizzard Man: Chillin, chillin.
[They shake hands.]
Common: [softly] Chillin.
Terry: Okay, Bliz. Why dont you get on that mic? Well do the song a few times, okay? Sound good?
[Blizzard Man nods]
Terry: Lets hit it.
Common: [To Terry] Now Terry, you know you my man and all, but this cat is supposed to replace John Legend?
Terry: Trust me, he is amazing. You ready, Bliz?
Blizzard Man: No doubt.
Terry: Alright, alright, alright!! [To DJ] Drop that beat on him! [To Common] Check this out.
[DJ plays a beat]
Blizzard Man: YEAH! YEAH! Yo! Check it out, yo! Turn up the monitors! YEAH! Check my style out! Rap song! Ra-aap song! We rock the crowd and they get real jazzed! We look real sharp in our snazzy duds! And then we drink a 40-oz bottle of beer! YO. [crosses arms]
Terry: Oh my GOD!! Oh my god! What did I tell you, was that amazing?
DJ: What??
Terry: What?
Common: Yo, man, I gotta be for real, man. I aint feelin that.
DJ: [emphatically] NO!
Terry: Are you kidding me?? Hold on, that was a tremendous performance!
Common: He wasnt even singing the right words.
Terry: Alright, okay, okay
Common: And that wasnt even the biggest problem.
Terry: Alright, lookit, I get it. Youre not diggin the freestyle. Im with that. Thats okay.
Common: Look, check this out, man. [hands Blizzard Man a sheet of paper.] Sing whats on the sheet, you got that?
Blizzard Man: [nods] Word up.
Terry: Yo. [To DJ] Alright, bring that beat back. Give that man a beat!
[beat starts again]
Blizzard Man: Yo! Yo! Y2K! Its the real ish! The uncut RAW! Check my style out! Hey there, all the bros! We are friends and were all in a gang! We rap and sing and we jump around! And the ladies show their butts and we all touch our ding-dongs! Yo! Brooklyn, stand up! [crosses arms]
Terry: Oh! [puts hand on heart] PLEASE tell me someone was recording that!
Common: .
DJ: Man, nobody was recording that.
Terry: Aw, are you kidding me? Thats a shame. Great lyrics, by the way, Common. That was amazing.
Common: Man, that wasnt my lyrics. Man, that dude is terrible! He like garbage.
Terry: Hes the future of music!
[Pan over to Blizzard Man, who is standing with his eyes half-closed and his mouth hanging open.]
DJ: Yo, I think he sleep!
Common: Hey, Terry Im tellin you, we got to agree to disagree on this one.
Terry: Okay, lookit, I know that youre resistant to change but just give him one more chance, okay? One more shot. He grows on you, alright?
Common: [hesitates] Aight, only cuz you my guy. You my man. But he better show me something this time.
Terry: Oh, hes gonna show you something, alright! [to DJ] Drop that beat! Bring it back! [claps]
Blizzard Man: Yo, yo, git the word out! Lets connect politic, ditto! Blizzard Man! Common! Doin the humpty dance!
DJ: Man, the humpty dance??
Blizzard Man: One time, for ya mind! Check my style out! Several times a day we rap, and that is talkin minimun! We act real weird cuz were on POT! Lets all veg out and check out the boob tube! Hey, miss would you like to smooch? I promise that Ill try my best! And then Ill go on Arsenio and buy a tiger and rock the boat! [Dances] Boop boop boodly boop boop ba doo! Boop boop boo doo doo doo ba doo!
Common: You know what? I see what you saying about this guy. And its giving me an idea.
Terry: [nodding]
[The sign reading PLAYING TONIGHT: COMMON now has a banner hanging over it that says SHOW CANCELED.]
Agent…..Jeremy Piven Denise…..Amy Poehler Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis Female A-Hole…..Kristen wiig
[FADE IN on a slide which looks like workout dumbbells with title captions on it.]
Announcer: [cheerfully] And now.. Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency.
[ open on interior, adoption office. Agent sits behind desk shuffling through a file folder, a framed painting of a rabbit on the wall behind him. ]
Agent: Denise!
Denise: Yes, Doctor?
Agent: Could you send in the next couple, please?
Denise: Yes, Doctor.
Agent: Uh, Denise – I’m not a doctor.
Denise: [ smiles ] I forgot again! I’m sorry.
Agent: Send them in.
[ the 2 A-Holes enter, as the crowd cheers ]
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we want to adopt a kid – what kinds you got?
Agent: Uhhh, all kinds.
Female A-Hole: Where do you keep the little babies?
Male A-Hole: Yeah. Where’s your – where’s your showroom?
Agent: Uh – uh, w-we don’t have a showroom. W-we’re an adoption agency.
Male A-Hole: So, what, then? we just pick out of a catalog?
Agent: Why don’t we have a seat?
Male A-Hole: Alright. Let’s do this. [ they all sit ] Yuo guys take Visa, right? [ Piven loses his place ] Hmm?
Agent: Uh – no. No, that’s not how it works.
Male A-Hole: Oh, I got it. Alright – it’s all cash. That’s smart! [ to Female A-Hole ] Bring enough cash, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we got cash.
Agent: Uh – again, that’s not really how it works. Adoption can be really complicated.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, like Su-do-KU!
Agent: No.
Male A-Hole: Like the second season of “Lost.”
Agent: No!
Female A-Hole: Like escalators?
Agent: [ frustrated ] Uh – so why adoption?
Male A-Hole: I love the movie “Annie.”
Male A-Hole: You ever heard of Little Orphan Annie?
Agent: Yes. I know it.
Male A-Hole: Mmm. Yeah, it’s an old comic strip. Annie had no eyeballs. [ smirks at Female A-Hole ] Then they had the movie version – guess what? [ makes smacking soudn with his mouth, points to his eyes ] She had eyeballs!
Agent: And your point is?
Female A-Hole: We want a baby with eyeballs.
Agent: Okay, eyeballs – check. You know, um, adopting a child is a big responsibility, okay? Are – are you guys, um – have you thought this through?
[ Male & Female A-Hole stare blankly at him ]
Agent: [ more frustrated ] Hell-ooooo?!!
[ Male & Female A-Hole continue to stare blankly at him, as the desk phone rings ]
Agent: I-I’m sorry. I have to take this. Do you mind?
[ Male & Female A-Hole continue to stare blankly at him ]
Agent: I’m just gonna — I’ll just — you know — it’ll be a second, okay?
[ Male & Female A-Hole continue to stare blankly at him ]
Agent: [ finally answers the phone ] Hello! Hi, hi. What did the doctor say, honey?
Female A-Hole: [ suddenly ] How many babies work here?
Male A-Hole: You work OUT?!
Agent: Uh, uh, I’m s-sorry, I can’t hear you. [ gestures to the Two A-Holes ] Shh.
Female A-Hole: What are diapers for, again?
Male A-Hole: You lift?
Agent: Uh – uh – I can’t actually — hold on!
Female A-Hole: Did you watch the Golden Globes?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, what do you SQUAT?!
Agent: Uh – uh —
Female A-Hole: Can babies chew gum?
Male A-Hole: Like, what’s your body fat percentage?
Agent: I’m sorry – could you hold – hold on for a moment —
Female A-Hole: When does the baby get delivered?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, what’s your vertical? Can you give rim?
[ the Agent is now speechless ]
Female A-Hole: Can it be next week? We’re going out of town?
Male A-Hole: Yeah. Do you trim your pubes?
Agent: Hey, wait a minute, I’m sorry — I can’t —
Female A-Hole: Order me a burrito!
Agent: Okay, I can’t —
Male A-Hole: ??
Agent: I – I can’t hear you, Nan —
Female A-Hole: Do you spell “babies” with a – with a “Z”?
Agent: I – I —
Male A-Hole: Thirteen shakes!
Agent: Yeah, hold on, I’ll have to call you back! [ hangs up his phone ]
Male A-Hole: Thirteen shakes!
Agent: I’m sorry, you know what? That was very rude. Alright? Um – that was a very important call. I was waiting to hear the test results for my wife.
Female A-Hole: No way.
Male A-Hole: [ smirks ] Hmm.
Agent: [ flabbergasted ] What?! What did you — ? That’s not what she said — ?
Male A-Hole: [ points a thumb at Female A-Hole ] She was doing Borat. [ smiles back at her ] Babe, do Borat again.
Female A-Hole: [ with half an interest ] “Way way.”
Male A-Hole: [ pleased ] THat’s great, huh! She’s super hot, does a kick-ass Borat! Right, babe?
Female A-Hole: Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah?
Female A-Hole: Yeah!
Male A-Hole: Yeah!
Agent: YEAH!! You know what? Ha ha ha. I – I thin we’re actually done here.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re done, babe.
Agent: Yeah.
Female A-Hole: Yaaaaayyyyy!!
Male A-Hole: Give ‘im the picture, babe.
Female A-Hole: [ unfolds a piece of paper to reveal a picture of Gonzo from Muppet Babies ] We want our baby to look like this.
Agent: [ angry, he stands ] Get out!!
Male A-Hole: So, how do we get the baby – FedEx, right?
Agent: GET OUT!!
Female A-Hole: [ as they stand ] Where’s my burrito?
Agent: Can you please — can you get out? For the love of God, get out!
Female A-Hole: [ points behind desk ] That painting looks like a rabbit!
[ once again, show the painting of the rabbit behind the Agent’s desk ]
Agent: Not since the seventh grade have I wanted to hit two people so hard!
[ Male & Female A-Hole just stand staring at him, chewing their gum and nodding their heads ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: This has been.. Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 11 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
January 20th, 2007 Jeremy Piven AFI None Common HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) interviews Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) about her run for President in 2008. Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Hillary Clinton. Transcript
Montage
Jeremy Piven’s MonologueSummary: Jeremy Piven attempts to make a genuine connection with one audience member. Bio: Jeremy Piven (1965-). Actor; portrays agent Ari Gold on the HBO series “Entourage”, 2004-.
UrigroSummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) discusses the renewed vigor of his urine stream. Transcript
The NFL on CBSSummary: Jim Nantz (Jeremy Piven) and Phil Simms (Jason Sudeikis) are joined in the booth by a Make-a-Wish recipient (Andy Samberg) who suffers from ADD – Automatic Dying Disorder.
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s Fun With Real Audio and Stuff presents Frontline’s look at the 2007 Year in Review, which features President George W. bush attempting to improve his image by appearing in public as a chipmunk. When that technique wears thin, other, less desireable, styles are adopted.
The First Person in the History of the World to DanceSummary: A caveman (Jason Sudeikis) picks up the beat.
MacGruberSummary: MacGruber (Will Forte) can detonate a bomb by building a device from a paper clip, some twine, and dog turd. Transcript
Two A-Holes at an Adoption AgencySummary: The Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) decide they want adopt a baby in the quickest, most annoying way possible. Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole. Transcript
MacGruberSummary: MacGruber (Will Forte) can detonate a bomb by building a device from a pine needles and pubic hair. Transcript
AFI performs “Love Like Winter”Bio: Alternative rock band; initials stand for “A Fire Inside”; members: Davey Havok (vocals), Jade Puget (guitar, backing vocals, programming, keyboard), Hunter Burgan (bass, backing vocals, programming, keyboard), Adam Carson (drums, backing vocals).
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Impressionist Rich Little (Darrell Hammond) comments on his upcoming appearance at the Bush White House dinner. Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” when Michael Vick gets busted for possession of marijuana. Recurring Characters: Rich Little. Transcript
Common & Blizzard ManSummary: Raper Common brings in the Blizzard Man (Andy Samberg) to finalize the tracks from his latest album. Recurring Characters: Blizzard Man. Bio: Common (1972-). Hip hop artist; Real name: Lonnie Rashid Lynn, Jr.; appeared in the film “Smokin’ Aces” (2007) with Jeremy Piven. Transcript
MacGruberSummary: MacGruber (Will Forte) can detonate a bomb by building a device from bum sperm. Transcript
Save a Unicorn FoundationSummary: A community plans to tear down their forest to build a shopping mall, unless the forest’s magical unicorns get a say otherwise.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Scott Garbaciak (Andy Samberg) assumes all the roles in the new film, “Nurse Nancy.”
AFI performs “Miss Murder”
Lansford Brothers & AssociatesSummary: The Lansford Brothers (Will Forte, Bill Hader) are hangmen-at-law, who promise they’ll do a hanging job the right and proper Texas way. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Awards ShowSummary: Repeat nominee Jeremy Piven finally gives up on ever winning an award, only doing so when he decides to skip out on this year’s attendance.
AirborneSummary: Fill-in actor (Jeremy Piven) is dressed like a germ in preparation to appear in a commercial.
The Pep Walters ShowSummary: Blind talk show host Pep Walters (Fred Armisen) is ignored by his guide (Jeremy Piven) while interviewing Randy Jackson (Kenan Thompson) and Paula Abdul (Amy Poehler). Recurring Characters: Pep Walters, Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul.
FiredSummary: After being fired, a woman (Amy Poehler) plays with her collection of knick-knacks while packing her belongings.
[ open on interior, party, Jeff and Anna standing at the center of the room as their friend, Rob, rolls forward in his wheelchair ]
Rob: Hey, uh – thanks again for inviting me tonight.
Jeff: We’re so glad you could make it, though, I have to admit, we have an ulterior motive.
Anna: Yeahhh! You’re single, right, Rob?
Rob: [sighs ] Is this some kind of set-up?
Anna: Ohh!
Jeff: You got us!
Anna: Look – I know these things are usually so obnoxious, but Jeff and I really think you and Jamie would hit it off.
Jeff: We think that you guys would find you have a lot in common.
Anna: Yeah. [ glances offscreen ] Hey, Jamie! Come over here!
[ Jamie enters the room, rolling up in a wheelchair off her own. She stops uncomfortably next to Rob’s wheelchair. ]
Anna: I knew it! Look how PERFECT they look together!
Jeff: A match made in Heaven!
Anna: We’ll leave you two alone – you probably have tons to talk about!
Jeff: TONS!
Anna: See ya’!
[ Jeff and Anna attempt to leave Rob and Jamie together, but Jamie speaks up ]
Jamie: Uh – Anna?
Rob: Yeah. Hold on a second, guys.
[ Jeff and Anna peek back into the scene ]
Anna: What?
Jeff: You need a witness for the wedding or something? [ laughs ] I was just kidding! I was just kidding!
Rob: [ he and Jamie smile condescendingly ] Yeah. No. uh – what exactly did you think the two of us.. would have in common?
Jamie: Yeah, what specifically was it?
Jeff: Ohh.. so many things —
Anna: So many! [ chuckles ]
Jeff: For one, you’ve got GREAT personalities.
Anna: Oh! SUCH great personalities!
Jeff: Yeah. Uh – your noble spirits.
Anna: Oh! SO noble.
Jamie: And?
Jeff: And.. that’s about it. Your great personalities, noble spirits!
Anna: Oh, my God! Are you two noble!
Rob: You think.. maybe.. it might have something to do with the fact that we’re both in wheelchairs?
Anna: WHAT?!!
Jeff: NO!!!
Anna: WHAT?!!
Jeff: NO!!!
Anna: I would never — we would NEVER! We just thought you two would be perfect for each other! I mean, when I first met you, Rob, I immediately thought of Jamie!
Jeff: I still always think of Rob whenever I see Jamie!
Anna: It’s almost difficult to separate the two of you in my mind!
Jamie: Maybe because of the wheelchairs?
Anna: WHAT?!!
Jeff: NOOO!!!
Anna: Jamie! You know I don’t see you in that way! When people say, “Which one is Jamie again?”, I mention your brown hair and your beautiful, sparkly eyes – I never ONCE mentioned the wheelchair!
Jeff: [ with mock sincerity ] Dude! I didn’t even know you were in a wheelchair.
Rob: [ perturbed ] How could you not KNOW that?!
Jeff: Well, forgive me for seeing people, and not.. [ struggling for the least offensive word ] disabilities!
Anna: Ah – handicaps.
Together: Han-di-cap-i-bil-i-ties!!
Anna: Look, we just thought you guys would hit it off, you know. Share common interests.
Jeff: Candlelit dinners, long walks on the b– [ realizes what he’s saying ]
Anna: Jeff.
Jeff: I mean — just the dinners! And then, talking all night long. Lots of stationary talking, and sitting!
Anna: Just enjoying each others’ seated company.
Jeff: [ kneels to Rob’s side ] I LOVE sitting! And YOU love sitting, dude! Okay, listen to me – I call you “Dude”, because I jut consider you a regular guy!
Rob: [ annoyed ] I AM a regular guy!!
Anna: [ screams ] HOW DO YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?!!
Jeff: [ jumps to his feet and grabs her shoulders ] ANNA!!
Anna: I’m sorry.. I got really into this..
Jamie: Guys, just – just stop. Look, I-I appreciate the effort, but.. I think I’m just gonna go get a drink.
Rob: Yeah. I’ll go with you. [ they wheel themselves away from Jeff and Anna ] So, where’d you get your chair?
Jamie: The hospital.
Rob: [ excited ] Me, too!
Jamie: Oh, you so get me!
[ they laugh as they wheel out of frame ]
[ Jeff and Anna are visibly pleased by this outcome ]
Presenter: And now I am truly honored to introduce the creator and star of NBCs hit show, The Apprentice, Mr. Donald Trump
Donald Trump: Good morning, Id like to thanks all you members of the press for being smart enough to be here today to hear me talking about the sixth and by far the best season of my smash-hit show and ratings bonanza, The Apprentice: Los Angeles . Heres how this thingss gonna go: were here to talk about this terrific show and not about my own going feud with Rosie O Donnel, who by the way is a low life and a loser, and thats all Im gonna say about that lump . Who has a question about The Apprentice, yes?
Reporter 1: Mr. Trump, how has it been working with you daughter Ivanka in this seasons Apprentice?
Donald Trump: Working with my daughter has been a huge joy for her, and I think we make a really champion-style team . Ill tell who will be a loser in any team, that sasquash Rosie ODonnel .. Next question, yes?
Reporter: yeah, how is doing the show in Los Angeles different from doing it in New York?
Donald Trump: Great question, working in L.A. has been fantastic cause Im further away from Rosie O Donnel who is a no-talent dipstick, and Im not talking about her, so lets drop it already and by her I mean Rosie O Donnel, who is a zero The Apprentice yes?
Debbie Kunsler: Mr Trump, Debbie Kunsler from Entertainment weekly . I mean, it seems like youre obsessed with this Rosie thing, are you still mad at her?
Donald Trump: Debbie I dont know how I can be any clearer, Im taking the high road here absolutely no questions about Jabba The Rosie . Lets keep this thing on track ok? Yes?
Reporter: Weve heard that in the new Apprentice the losers have to live in tents behind the match, how are they handling that?
Donald Trump: you know? Ill tell you one thing, these kids are handling things a lot better than that gargoyle Barbara Walters Barbara knows what she told me about Rosie and I quote: Rosie is such a pig, that if there were a planet where only pigs live, she would be the king, and the queen . Also her wife Kelly has one hell of a rack and thats a direct quote from Barbara Walters . Yes?
Debbie Kunsler: Mr. Trump, about Rosie O Donnel .
Donald Trump: Ok, alright, you know what? This press conference is over. I can assure you, this season of The Apprentice is going to be huge, and Rosie, I think we should act like grown-ups and heres how its gonna go, Im made of rubber, you are made glue, whatever you say bounces off me cause Im classy, and sticks to you cause youre ugly . Noni noni bu bu bubuuuuuuu .. The Apprentice!!!
The Shins: [singing] “Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth. Only, I don’t know how they got out, dear. Turn me back into the pet that I was when we met. I was happier then with no mind-set.
And if you’d ‘a took to me like A gull takes to the wind. Well, Id ‘a jumped from my tree And Id a danced like the king of the eyesores And the rest of our lives would ‘a fared well.
New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries. Hope it’s right when you die, old and bony. Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall, Never should have called But my head’s to the wall and Im lonely.
And if you’d ‘a took to me like A gull takes to the wind. Well, Id ‘a jumped from my tree And Id a danced like the king of the eyesores And the rest of our lives would ‘a fared well.
God speed all the bakers at dawn, may they all cut their thumbs, And bleed into their buns ’till they melt away.
I’m looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find. Without a trust or flaming fields, am I too dumb to refine? And if you’d ‘a took to me like Well, Id a danced like the queen of the eyesores And the rest of our lives would ‘a fared well.”
The Shins: [singing] “Frozen into coats, White girls of the North, Fire past one, fire the one, The are the fabled lambs, A Sunday ham, The ancient snow.
And they can float above the grass, In circles if they tried, A latent power I know they hide, To keep some hope alive, That a girl like her could ever try, Could ever try.
So we just skirt the hallway signs, A phantom and a fly, Follow the lines and wonder why There’s no connection.
And weakened falling eyes, In cheap shots from the tribe, And we’re often in Marcus’ porch again, Another afternoon with the gold head tunes, And pilfered booze.
We wandered through your mama’s house, And the milk from the window lights, Family portrait circa ninety-five, This is that foreign land, With the sprayed-on tans, And it all feels fine, Beat it circa slime.
So, when they tap our mundane heads, To zombie-walk in our stead, This town seems hardly worth the time, And we’ll no longer memorize or rhyme, To fall along in our crime, Stepping over what now towers to the sky, With no connection.
So, when they tap our mundane heads, To zombie-walk in our stead, This town seems hardly worth the time, And we’ll no longer memorize or rhyme, To fall along in our crime, Stepping over what now towers to the sky, With no connection.
Air Date:
(2001)
(2007)