For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 12
06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen
Goodnights
…..Drew Barrymore
Drew Barrymore: Thanks to Lily Allen and Horatio Sanz! I just have to thank Lorne and Marci for giving me my Five-Timers’ clock! And, I just want to say that this cast is so incredible! It would take me YEARS to describe what a week is like here, and I love everyone, and I thank you for coming tonight! Have the BEST weekend! good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 12
06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen
The Formosa
Peter O’Toole…..Bill Hader
Mr. Bostwick…..Jason Sudeikis
Mrs. Bostwick…..Maya Rudolph
…..Drew Barrymore
[ open on exterior, The Formosa cocktail bar ]
[ dissolve to interior, Peter O’Toole holding a stiff drink in his hand whle rambling to a couple at the bar ]
Peter O’Toole: — and, finally, I say to this idiot: “I’m Peter O’Toole, and this is Richard Burton! Can you release us from your jail cell, and let us CONTINUE with our DEBAUCHERY?!” [ smiles ] And, to that, he said, “You’re not in a jail cell.. you’re in my CLOSET!” THAT.. is how you end a night of drinking! [ lets out a deep guffaw and toasts himself ]
Nr. Bostwick: [ confused ] Wait – you’re in a closet?
Peter O’Toole: Positively HEROIC!!
[ Drew Barrymore sits at the bar to Peter’s left ]
Drew Barrymore: Yeah! I’ll have a Vodka tonic, straight up, please.
Peter O’Toole: [ pounds the bar counter ] Ah, here, here! I was just about to say!
Drew Barrymore: [ looks over to Peter, smiles ] Peter O’Toole!
Peter O’Toole: Drew Barrymore!
Drew Barrymore: What are you doing in Hollywood?
Peter O’Toole: Haven’t you heard? I’ve been nominated again for an Academy Award!
Drew Barrymore: I did hear that!
Peter O’Toole: It’s number eight, if you’re keeping score. Say! I’d like you to meet the Bostwicks? from Cleveland, Fran and — [ looks to his right to find the couple is now long gone ] Ah. No one knows how to DRINK any more, you know.
Drew Barrymore: Oh, I know what you mean – Hollywood isn’t the same any more —
Peter O’Toole: Nooo, it’s not, you’re right. People RESPECTED a drunk in those days!
Drew Barrymore: They did! You’re right – tell me about it! I once drank a CASE of whiskey with George C. Scott and Faye Dunaway. I was nine years old.
Peter O’Toole: BRAVO!!! Drunk at nine! Gone are the days when you could empty a few bottles, steal a fire truck, and drive into David Niven’s living room!
Drew Barrymore: Those days ARE long gone! You know, I partied with Dudley Moore and Laurence Olivier, at the Golden Globes when I was seven!
Peter O’Toole: Seven years old, you are my CHAMPION, Madam!!
Drew Barrymore: [ giggles ] When my grandfather died, Peter Lorre took the body to Errol Flynn’s house so they could get drunk one last time together!
Peter O’Toole: Technically, I’ve been dead for at least ten years!
Drew Barrymore: Good for you. I can’t stand Hollywood today. The Hollywood of yesterday was so much better.
Peter O’Toole: Right you are! Now, you have these – these underfed tarts like.. Lindsey Hilton.. running around, showing off their VAGINAS!! There’s no panache in that!
Drew Barrymore: NO panache!!
Peter O’Toole: If you’re going to expose yourself, you do it with a FLOURISH!! Whenever I revealed my genitals — and I did so, often — I made it like it was the opening night of a PLAY!! “Gather ‘ round!” I would say, “It’s PETER’S O’TOOLE!!” [ laughs uproariously ]
Drew Barrymore: I once flashed my tatas at David Letterman!
Peter O’Toole: I toast your tatas! [ they clink their glasses together ] I’m a lover of a lady’s tatas. Peter Finch and I once stormed a monastary to get at a NUN’S tatas!!
Drew Barrymore: Monastaries don’t have nuns, they have monks.
Peter O’Toole: Ah, there’s no turning back.. the die is cast.
Drew Barrymore: A toast!
Peter O’Toole: A TOAST to US!! Because we are first-class drunks!
Drew Barrymore: First-class!
Peter O’Toole: Now, young Barrymore. Perhaps you’ll join me, for I must NOW go in search of Richard Harris’ star on the Walk of Fame. It is my tradition to take a DUMP on it! He would have done the same for me, had I gone first.
Drew Barrymore: Mmm, I’m right behind you!
Peter O’Toole: Let’s go —
[ Drew grabs for Peter, and they both stumble to the floor ]
Peter O’Toole: That was PANACHE!!
Drew Barrymore: EX-ACT-LY!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 12
06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen
Firestarter Smoked Sausages
Charlie McGee…..Drew Barrymore
Lonny San Fransisco…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on slow pan across hot dogs on a grill ]
Lonny San Fransisco V/O: [ singing ]
“The tasty smell of saus-age
Grilled fresh for your family’s MOUTH!”
[ pan upward and rests on Charlie McGee standing over the grill ]
Charlie McGee: Hi! I’m Charlie McGee. But you probably know me better.. as Firestarter.
[ close-up movie footage of Charlie from “Firestarter” swoops over the scene ]
Charlie McGee: That was a long time ago, and now I’ve got something that I’m really excited about: [ holds up product ] Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages!
[ dissolve to Loony standing in front of footage of sausages smoking on the grill ]
Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
“Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages
Cooked in fires, she starts, with her mi-ind!”
[ dissolve back to Charlie ]
Charlie McGee: When I was a kid, there was nothing I loved MORE than the smell of my mama’s home-cooked sausages. But, after she was killed by crazy, one-eyed assassin, John Raiford, and a team of rogue, government scientists, a lot of pretty crazy things happened. See, my parents had been using top-secret mental experiments back in the 60’s, which, in turn, gave me the ability to start fires with my mind. Anyway, the government wanted to murder my whole family. [ shrugs ]
[ dissolve back to Loony standing in front of footage of sausages smoking on the grill ]
Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
“Plumpin’ saus-ages in the smo-o-oke-house
Crammed FULL, of savory meats!”
[ dissolve back to Charlie ]
Charlie McGee: But, with the love and support of my husband and semi-professional song stylist, Lonny San Fransisco — [ Lonny steps forward, grinning wide ] I used my talents to start Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages!
Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
“Slide the cas-ing through your moi-oist lips
A joint-less fin-ger, made of PORK!”
Charlie still doesn’t have a lot of control over her abilities. Case in point! [ holds up a hook arm and laughs ]
Charlie McGee: Sorry — [ attempts to comfort Lonny with a pat on that arm, but he finches away. ]
Lonny San Fransisco: Hey, hey!
[ singing ]
“Feel the HOT grease in your whi-iskers
Chin SLICK, like a bald man’s head!”
Charlie McGee: We use the finest pork shoulder in EACH and EVERY Firestarter Sausage, and then slowly roast them over a mesquite wood fire — [ her hair suddenly rises in a burst of wind, and her face glows red ] that I start with my mind! [ she blows, as things return to normal ] They’re the SAUSIGIEST! [ smiles ]
Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
“Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages
‘Cause the government, screwed up, her bra-ain!”
[ points his hook over the grill ] Where there’s smoke, there’s fire!
[ Charlie stares at the grill, concentrates, as a big ball of flame jumps at Lonny ]
Lonny San Fransisco: [ screams ] COME ON!!!
Charlie McGee: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
[ Lonny keeps his distance from Charlie ]
[ product slide swops forward ]
Announcer: Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages. Smoked with fires she starts with her mind.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 12
06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen
The Dakota Fanning Show
Dakota Fanning…..Amy Poehler
Reggie…..Kenan Thompson
Daniel Radcliffe…..Bill Hader
Abigail Breslin…..Drew Barrymore
Katherine…..Kristen Wiig
[ camera pans over from Home Base to the adjacent set. Amy Poehler can be seen standing off to stage left made up as Dakota Fanning, as the title superimposes onto the screen over soft, jazzy music. ]
Reggie V/O: And, now.. it’s “The Dakota Fanning Show!”
[ Dakota steps onto the set, flanked by two oversized chairs ]
Dakota Fanning: [ waves childishly to the crowd ] Good evening! And welcome to “The Dakota Fanning Show,” the only forum for child actors to discuss cinema, theater, politics, philosophy, and the cultural zeitgeist-at-large! [ laughs ] Before we begin, did anyone catch Bill Mahar on Charlie Rose last night? Reggie?
[ cut to Reggie, seated in front of the house band ]
Reggie: Uh.. no. I was watching “The Family Guy.”
[ shakes her head ] Mmm. I’m not familiar. Anyway – Bill Mahar said – get this! – “Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis is The Beatles!” [ chuckles ]
Reggie: Uh – I-I-I don’t get it.
Dakota Fanning: It’s a very witty observation, perhaps the referenes are over your head!
[ Reggie scowls ]
Dakota Fanning: The incomparable Reggie Hudson, everybody!
[ Reggie and the band play a few light jazz notes, as Dakota smiles ]
Dakota Fanning: My first guest tonight is a promising young actor from across the Atlantic. Please welcome Mr. Daniel Radcliffe!
[ house band plays Daniel onto the set. Dakota shakes both his hands enthusiastically, then bounces onto her chair as Daniel sits down causally. ]
Dakota Fanning: Greetings to you, Daniel. Um – I understand you’re starring in the classic Peter Shaffer play, “Equus.” Such an important work! Tell me, Daniel – is this your first leading role?
Daniel Radcliffe: Uh – well, I was also in the Harry Potter movies.
Dakota Fanning: [ snickers ] I’m not familiar!
Daniel Radcliffe: It was based on a very popular series of, uh, children’s books?
Reggie: [ with great excitement and respect ] Man, I LOVE those books! I thought you were a GREAT Harry Potter!
Dakota Fanning: Yes. Reggie tends to prefer a lighter fare! [ laughs ]
[ Reggie scowls once again ]
Daniel Radcliffe: You know, I think everyone has a soft spot, uh, for children’s books. I mean, after all, you did do “Cat in the Hat.”
Dakota Fanning: [ chuckles ] In my defense, when I read that script I saw it as a metaphor for ethnic violence in central Africa! [ shakes head and smiles ] But, apparently, it was about a cat in a hat! [ laughs ] Speaking of books, have you read the new Pynchon?
Daniel Radcliffe: [ shakes his head ] N-no?
Dakota Fanning: You know, I never thought I would agree with Michiko Kakutani, but I really don’t think it’s his best work! [ Daniel offers no response ] Thomas Pynchon? Michiko Kakutani? Reggie? [ Reggie shrugs his shoulders ] I-if it’s not at the checkout counter at Wal-Mart, Reggie hasn’t read it! [ smiles ]
[ Reggie scowls once more ]
Dakota Fanning: Daniel! Who are you reading these days?
Daniel Radcliffe: Mostly X-Men comics.
Dakota Fanning: [ turned off ] And that’s a WRAP!! BYE!! [waves him away ]
[ Daniel shirks away ]
Dakota Fanning: My next guest was just nominated for an Academy Award! Isn’t that something! Please welcome, from “Little Miss Sunshine” – Little Miss Abigail Breslin!
[ house band plays the exciteable Abigail onto the set ]
Abigail Breslin: Hi, Dakota! [ laughs ]
Dakota Fanning: Hi!
[ they giggle playfully and repeatedly bounce onto their chairs ]
Abigail Breslin: Wow! This is so awesome!
Dakota Fanning: It is! It’s wonderful — it’s wonderful to have you here, Abigail! Congratulations on the award! [ snidely ] I’m so happy.. for you.
Abigail Breslin: I — I know! I can’t believe it! I’m nominated for an Oscar! Adn I’m only TEN years old!
Dakota Fanning: Ten years old – wow! That’s even younger than I thought. Oh, to be ten years old again! Those were heady days! [ laughs ] I was, of course, starring in a blockbuster called “War of the Worlds”, with the incomparable Tom Cruise.
Abigail Breslin: How old were you when you first got your nomination?
Dakota Fanning: [ frowns ] Me? W-well, you’d certainly would have though I’d been nominated several times. After all, I portrayed the daughter of a mentlaly-challenged individual in “I Am Sam”, and then the victim of a brutal kidnapping in “Man On Fire.”
Abigail Breslin: [ giggles ] I did a funny dance!
Dakota Fanning: Yes! That must have been very challenging. A friend of mine once told me, “It’s not about the award, it’s about honing your craft.” And that friend was Mr. Bob De Niro.
Abigail Breslin: Is that the guy from “Meet the Fockers”?
Dakota Fanning: [ snotty ] No, tht’s the guy from “Mean Streets.”
Abigail Breslin: You’re grumpy!
Dakota Fanning: sorry, I’m a little out of sorts. I didn’t have my post-Pilates nap.
[ a woman steps forward with a juice box ]
Katherine: Here, Dakota – have some juice.
Dakota Fanning: [ takes a hearty sip ] That’s much better. Thank you, Katherine!
Katherine: You can just call me “Mom.”
Dakota Fanning: So, Abigail – what feature are you working on now?
Abigail Breslin: I play a doll that comes to life! And I’m about to do another movie weith a talking hamster!
Dakota Fanning: I get raped in my next movie. Anyway, we’ll take a break! When we return, we’ll discuss upcoming negotiatons in the Screen Actors Guild! Reggie, try to keep up!
Reggie: [ offended ] Hey, hey – WHAT?! Shut the hell up!
Dakota Fanning: We’ll be right back! [ blows a kiss to the audience ] Kiss!
[ title re-appears, fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 12
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Guest Writers:
February 3rd, 2007
Drew Barrymore
Lily Allen
None
Horatio Sanz
Jim Cashman
JB Smoove American IdolSummary: “American Idol” judges Simon cowell (Jason Sudeikis), Paula Abdul (Amy Poehler), and Randy Jackson (Kenan Thompson) travel the country to offer criticism to animal contestants.
Recurring Characters: Ryan Seacrest, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson.
Montage
Drew Barrymore’s MonologueSummary: While making her way through the studio halls to make her acquaintance with the 5-Timer’s Club, Drew Barrymore bumps headfirst into Andy Samberg and unravels a series of romantic-comedy film cliches.
First Hosted: 82g.
Transcript
The Dakota Fanning ShowSummary: Brainy child star Dakota Fanning (Amy Poehler) fails to relate to other child stars in her age group.
Transcript
Poison TherapySummary: A marriage counselor (Kristen Wiig) helps patch the rocky relationship between a husband (Will Forte) and the wife (Drew Barrymore) who continuously poisons him with dioxin.
Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A presentation of the “Body Fuzion” workout tape from 1986, which features four women (Drew Barrymore, Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph) working up a rough sweat while barely performing an actual exercise regimen.
Transcript
Target GreatlandSummary: The Target Clerk (Kristen Wiig) trains a new hire (Drew Barrymore) with an attention span even short than her own.
Recurring Characters: Target clerk.
Nervous Job IntervieweeSummary: A nervous job interviewee (Drew Barrymore) frantically sips a caffeineated beverage while insulting a company’s Human Resources team (Amy Poehler, Kenan Thompson, Maya Rudolph).
Lily Allen performs “Smile”Bio: Lily Allen (1985-). English singer/songwriter; began to receive mainstream coverage after posting demos on Myspace.com; known for regularly making disparaging remarks about other musicians.
Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Weekend Update nanny Barbara Birmingham (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates the proper way to discipline a surly child.
Transcript
Versace Super Bowl PartySummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) celebrates the Super Bowl with Prince (Fred Armisen), David Beckham (Seth Meyers) abd Posh Spice (Drew Barrymore), and Elton John (horatio Sanz).
Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Prince, Posh Spice, Elton John.
Transcript
Jojo the ValetSummary: Jojo (Amy Poehler) the gawky, spunky country club valet makes his feelings known for recently-divorced club member, Ashley Sanderson (Drew Barrymore).
Transcript
Firestarter Smoked SausagesSummary: Now grown-up Charlie McGee (Drew Barrymore) uses her pyrokinetic to hawk smoked sausages.
Note: Originally cut from the dress rehearsal of Barrymore’s previous hosting stint on 02/14/04. Horatio Sanz had the role now played by Jason Sudeikis.
Transcript
Lily Allen performs “LDN”
The FormosaSummary: Drunken celebrities Peter O’Toole (Bill Hader) and Drew Barrymore reminisce about the good-old-days of decadent Hollywood behavior.
Recurring Characters: Peter O’Toole.
Transcript
Nelson Baby ToupeesSummary: Hair Club For Men spoof promotes haipieces for babies.
Note: Repeat from 01/21/06.
GoodnightsTranscript
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
VH-1 Super Duper BowlSummary: B-list celebrities offer wry commentary during Super Bowl LXI.
Gulliver’s TravelSummary: Tiny Lilliputian women wonder if Gulliver is larger than them in all the right places.
Movie LineSummary: Two men (Jason Sudeikis, Andy Samberg) break into a confrontation while standing in line at the movies.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 11
Urigro
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on Man giving his dog a bath in a washtub in his garage, the hose operating with only a slight trickle ]
Man: Look familiar? It used to — until I asked my doctor about Urigro.
Announcer: Urigro is a drug approved for the treatment of Weak Male Urination Syndrome, or: WeMUS.
Man: I’ll admit it – I used to pee sitting down because I was embarrassed about my chronic weak stream. After taking Urigro for just one week, I can see results like a thicker stream, less spray, more froth, and louder, deeper-sounding urination!
I went from this — [ holds up the slow trickle of his hose ] to this — [ the hose springs to life, creating a powerful spray that riccochets off the dog’s mange ] in just a couple of weeks!
[ cut to Man entering the kitchen, where his Wife is preparing dinner ]
Man: Urigro gives you the sort of thick, ropy jets of urine you can be proud of.
[ Man grabs for a piece of food from a bowl, but his Wife slaps his hand ]
Wife: Dinner’s almost ready.
Man: [ to the camera ] Well, I’m gonna hit the head. [ nods to the camera to follow him ]
[ cut to Man standing in front of bathroom mirror; we presume there is a toilet below this mirror ]
Man: When I started using Urigro, my stream was thin and unpredictable. [ slow trickle sound effect from below camera view ] But, now — [ powerful jet stream sound effect is heard from below camera view ] it’s powerful and consistent, from beginning to end! [ stops urinating ] Couldn’t hear me, could you? That’s Urigro working!
[ wider angle — the mirror is indeed in front of a toilet ]
Man: Now my urinations are frothy and heady, like an ice-cold blast of beer! No,w listen to this:
[ cut to rear angle, as Man pokes his head from around the corner as his urine hits the bowl with powerful individual blasts. The Man demonstrates further by holding both hands up as he continues to urinate, then quickly lowers them as he reaches the bottom of his bladder. ]
[ cut back to the close-up angle of the Man standing in front of the mirror ]
Man: I can stop it and start it on a dime now!
Announcer: Ask your doctor about Urigro today, and get the thick, unbroken, golden braids of urine you always dreamed about.
Man: Oops! Filled ‘er up! This one’s a two-flusher! [ flushes the toilet ]
Announcer: Urigro. Make ’em proud, pee out loud/
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 11
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Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
Rich Little…..Darrell Hammond
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonigt’s top stories:
During an interview with “60 Minutes” on Sunday, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, “We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the Americans a huge debt of gratitude.” Said the Iraqi people, “We’ve been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up.”
Monday was Martin Luther King Day. Said President Bush, “I can never remember — does that mean we Spring forward, or Fall back?”
Seth Meyers: In an interview with Fox News Sunday, Vice-President Dick Cheney commented on efforts to stop additional troops from being sent to Iraq, saying, “You can’t run a war by committee. You run a war by a monkey, a map, and some darts.”
Muslim groups are concerned that the new season of “24”, which features Muslim terrorists setting off a nuclear explosive near Los Angeles, will foster hate against them and create a climate of Islamaphobia. Also creating a climate of Islamaphobia: terrorism!
Amy Poehler: Hoping to avoid last year’s controversial performance by Stephen Colbert at the White House Correspondents Dinner, the Bush administration has chosen a more traditional comedian for this year. A performer from the old guard, who’s been a staple of “The Tonight Show” for over four decades. That comedian is with us tonight. Please welcome the legendary Mr. Rich Little!
Rich Little: Thank you, Amy. Hello there, folks. You know, I’ve been doing impressions for a long, long time. I’m a professinoal, so the last thing I’m gonna do is.. get up there and kick President Bush while he’s down. So, don’t worry, Mr. President. I won’t say a critical word about you, but.. maybe.. Mr. Ronald Reagan would: [ imitates Ronald Reagan: ] “Well.. I may be dead and buried.. but I’m still more alive than our chances of winning in Iraq! That country is in worse shape than Dean Martin’s liver.”
Amy Poehler: Okay. Th-th-that seems kind of critical.
Rich Little: I don’t think so. You know, Amy — I’ve proven I can imitate people of all ages, much like my good friend Pee-Wee Herman, who told me: [ imitates Pee-Wee Herman: ] “Hey, President Bush! It’s okay with ME if you want to put 20,000 more troops in harm’s way, but I’ve got one question for you: [ higher-pitched: ] Where are the weapons of mass destruction?! HA HA!!” Stuff like that, Amy.
Amy Poehler: Yeah. I’m not — I’m not so sure that’s gone go over so well.
Rich Little: Don’t worry. I’m keeping it very clean, I — [ clears throat ] I’ve modeled myself after the King of Late Night himself, Mr. Johnny Carson: [ imitates Johnny Carson: ] It’s, uh — it’s too bad.. the President.. didn’t sign the Kyoto Treaty, huh? Global warming has gotten so bad, that just this morning — true story — I saw a polar bear.. putting sunblock.. on his snow balls. Uhh — and, did he make a mess.. out of Hurricane Katrina.. or what? Whew! They’re saying now, that George Bush did to New Orleans, what DEbbie did to Dallas.”
Amy Poehler: Alright. That’s definitely critical. [ laughs nervously ]
Rich Little: [ still in Johnny Carson mode, holds an envelope to his forehead ] “A burning car.. Star Jones.. and Iraq.”
Amy Poehler: [ laughs nervously ] “A burning car.. Star Jones.. and Iraq.”
Rich Little: [ opens the envelope ] “Name three things no one wants to get into!”
[ a rim shot sounds, as the audience simultaneously laughs and groans ]
Amy Poehler: Alright. I think we get the gist. Rich Little, everyone! Professional. Professional.
Seth Meyers: [ show “American Idol” logo ] Last Tuesday night, an estimated 37.3 million viewers watched the Season Six premiere of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” [ show photo of Paula Abdul ]
Amy Poehler: Documentarian Ken Burns has signed an exclusive deal with PBS to air his work through 2022. In addition, Burns will ocntinue his deal to get his hair done exclusively at SuperCuts.
India is buzzing over the recent engagement of Bollywood’s hottest couple, Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan. Or, as they’re known in the Bollywood tabloids: Aishwarishek.
Seth Meyers: New research shows that playing video games can satisfy deep psychological needs and, in the short term, improve the players’ well-being — Mo-o-o-m!!
A man in Illinois broke the Guinness World Record for riding a stationary bike with a time of 85 hours. Said the man afterward, “Stationary? Oh, man, I’m gonna be late.” The man plans on celebrating his accomplishment by patiently waiting for the sensation to return to his balls.
Amy Poehler: The American Kennel Club on Monday named the Labrador Retriever the most popular dog in America, followed by the Yorkshire Terrier and the German Shepard. The least popular dog? The “Take-A-Poo.” [ show photo of a dog squatting from the rear ]
According to a sex study published jointly by Esquire and Marie Claire, Republican men prefer to have a woman on top during sex. Or what they call, “Doing it Pelosi-style.”
Seth Meyers: Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick surrendered a water bottle to security at Miami International Airport, Thursday, that smelled like marijuana. Vick was stopped by security, cut left, broke a tackle, and was finally brought down after gaining 22 yards.
Michael Vick’s alleged attempt to bring marijuana onto a plane raises many questions. Questions we will now address in a new segment on “Weekend Update”, called “Really?!? with Seth & Amy.”
[ show title card ]
[ dissolve back to Amy and Seth at the desk ]
Seth Meyers: Michael Vick? Really?!? You didn’t want to throw your weed away before you went through security? Really?!? You have 117 million dollars left on your contract. Do you know what 117 million dollars means? You can afford to replace your weed if you have to throw it away at the airport. [ audience cheers ] Really! Even my dumbest high school friends know to throw their weed away at the airport, and they have NO MONEY and LOVE weed!
Amy Poehler: And you got caught at the Miami Airport? Really? You didn’t think they would check for drugs at the airport in Miami? Really?!?
Seth Meyers: And, also, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but you can’t bring bottled water past security any more. So you hid your weed — which is not allowed on a plane — in another thing that is not allowed on a plane. [ audience cheers ] That’s like hiding your weed in the barrel of a gun or in the mouth of an endangered species. Really?
Amy Poehler: Really? And it never occurred to you to put it in a Ziploc bag and sink it to the bottom of a shampoo bottle in your checked luggage, like we all do? Really?!?”
Seth Meyers: And, Michael Vick, do you not have an entourage? Really?!? Because you should put together an entourage, and the first guy in that entourage should be called “Michael Vick’s Official Weed Carrier.” Really!
Amy Poehler: A-and, also — you were flying back to Atlanta. Where you live. Do you not keep weed at your house? Really?!? Because, if you like weed, you should have some at your house. Really! [ audience cheers ]
Seth Meyers: Really! So, really, Michael Vick, throw your weed away. I know you’re a running quarterback, but throw.. it.. away! Really!
Amy Poehler: Wow!
Seth Meyers: Wow!
[ show title card ]
Announcer: This has been “Really?!? with Seth & Amy.”
[ dissolve back to Amy and Seth at the desk ]
Seth Meyers: Officials at the Chimp Haven, in the Shreveport, Louisiana Zoo were surprised when a female chimpanzee gave birth, despite the fact the facility’s entire male population has had vasectomies. Officials say that, while vasectomies can sometimes reverse themselves, they’d still like to have a word with Gary. [ show photo of a wide-eyed male ]
Amy Poehler: Ashley Harder, Miss New Jersey USA, has resigned because she’s pregnant. Which is odd, since being single and pregnant is what earned her the title Miss New Jersey.
Bangor, Maine has enacted a law banning smoking in cars carrying children under the age of 18. [ in her Mom’s voice: ] “So, uh, sorry, kids. Get out of the car.” [ lights a cigarette ] “You’re walking. Mommy needs a cigarette!” [ puffs passionately on her butt ]
Seth Meyers: New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg announced Wednesday that the city plans to equip 911 emergency call centers to receive instant cell phone photos from people who record a crime as it’s happening. Okay, Bloomberg, but I will warn you right now: if you get a picture sent from one of my college friends, be careful. If it says, “Emergency: This guy is going nuts,” don’t open it. It’s a picture of his genitals. If it says, “Help, trapped in a sack,” don’t open it. Genitals. “Snake escapes from zoo”? Don’t open it. Also, don’t open it if it says “My gum fell in a pile of hair,” or “Look how swollen my thumb is.” [ audience laughs and groans ] Also, you’re welcome!
According to a new study, 60 percent of men and 17 percent of women surf the internet for porn. Also, the other 40 percent of men.
For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: [ still puffing on her cigarette ] I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 11
MacGruber III
Jojo…..Jeremy Piven
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
MacGruber…..Will Forte
[FADE IN on opening sequence.]
Singers:
MacGruber!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!
[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to an old fishing boat tied to a dock. SUPERIMPOSE, “Prison Boat.” CUT to a sign marked “Boat Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Jojo: [struggling with door] This boat door is welded shut!
Casey: We’ve got a doozy on our hands, MacGruber. That’s over ten pounds of c-bar explosives. This baby’s gonna blow in three seconds!
MacGruber: We can do this! Jojo! Hand me that old bucket filled with bum sperm.
Jojo: [disgusted] No.
[CUT to the boat exploding in flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Sean
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 11
MacGruber II
Jojo…..Jeremy Piven
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
MacGruber…..Will Forte
[FADE IN on opening sequence.]
Singers:
MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!
[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to a huge concrete dam in a rocky canyon. SUPERIMPOSE, “Cedarville Dam.” CUT to a sign marked “Dam Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Jojo: [struggling with door] There’s no escape!!
Casey: More bad news, MacGruber. From the looks of that fuse, that dynamite is going to explode in 15 seconds!
MacGruber: If we don’t defuse this dynamite: it won’t just be our spirits that are dampened. It’ll be the whole town of Cedarville.
Jojo: What’ll we do, MacGruber?
Casey: [staring at wristwatch] Ten seconds!
MacGruber: Jojo! Toss me that paper cup!
[Jojo throws him a styrofoam cup.]
MacGruber: Casey! I need three pine needles!
Casey: You got it, Mac Daddy!
[She tosses over a small pine branch.]
MacGruber: Jojo! Round up all the pubic hair you can find!
Jojo: What?!
MacGruber: Pubes!! I need a lot of them, and I need them now!
Jojo: Where am I supposed to find pubic hair in a dam control room?!
Casey: Five seconds!
MacGruber: Look, I would use my own, but I’m a shaver!
Casey: I am too–c’mon, Jojo, pony up! Three seconds!
Jojo: I’m not giving you my pubic hair!!
MacGruber: Dammit! Then I’ll come take it myself. I just hope I have enough time to manually extract–
[CUT to the dam exploding and raining rubble and water into the canyon.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Sean
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 11
MacGruber
Jojo…..Jeremy Piven
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
MacGruber…..Will Forte
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers:
MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!
[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to a run-down, graffiti-covered building. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Factory.” CUT to a sign marked “Factory Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Jojo: [struggling with locked door] Dammit, we’re trapped!
Casey: That bomb is set to detonate in 20 seconds! What’ll we do, MacGruber?
MacGruber: [intensely] Everybody stay calm! We’re gonna make it outta here! Just do exactly as I say! Casey, hand me that paper clip!
Casey: You got it! [hands it to him]
MacGruber: Jojo, grab that twine!
Jojo: I’m on it!
MacGruber: Casey! Gum wrapper!
Casey: Right here!
MacGruber: Jojo! That dog turd!
Jojo: What?
MacGruber: The dog turd right by your foot.
[CUT briefly to a squishy dog dropping on the floor.]
Jojo: I’m not picking up that dog turd!
[MacGruber glances at him in disbelief.]
Casey: Ten seconds!
MacGruber: You heard her, Jojo! Give me the dog turd!
Jojo: No! Why do we need a dog turd?
MacGruber: That’s my business! Now pick up the dog turd!
Casey: Just give him the dog turd!
Jojo: You give him the dog turd!!
MacGruber: Yeah, Casey, give me the dog turd!
Casey: [staring at wristwatch] No, I can’t, I’m keeping count! Three seconds!
MacGruber: Fine! I’ll get the dog turd! I just hope I have enough time to–
[CUT to the factory exploding in flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Sean