Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 9th, 2006 Annette Bening Gwen Stefani Akon None Alec Baldwin Matthew Fox A Special Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) addresses the nation about the release of the Iraqi War Report, and reads suggestions sent in by concerned Americans. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush. Transcript
Montage
Annette Bening’s MonologueSummary: Annette Bening takes heat from female real estate agents in the audience who took offense with her portrayal of their profession in “American Beauty” seven years earlier. Bening’s “Running With Scissors” co-star, Alec Baldwin, defends her and touts the highlights of his own film career. Bio: Annette Bening (1958-). Actress; films include “American Beauty” (1999) and “Being Julia” (2004); twice lost the Best Actress Academy Award to Hilary Swank, in 2000 and 2005; married to actor Warren Beatty since 1992. Transcript
An SNL Movie Trailer Re-CutSummary: In a re-cut trailer for Mel Gibson’s “Apocalypto”, jungle natives flee the area when they discover that Jews are coming. Transcript
Good Morning I Hate This TownSummary: Morning co-hosts Alan French (Jason Sudeikis) and Samantha (Annette Bening) maintain an upbeat attitude, even though they hate their town and all the dumbasses who live in it. Cooking expert Pam Dibble (Amy Poehler) offers a demonstration, but Alan and Samantha don’t think their dimwitted audience can handle the entire recipe. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “Diddy Kiddies”, where hijinks abound as a group of kids try to help rapper P. Diddy figure out what he actually does for a living to maintain his mega-stardom.
Student-Teacher AffairSummary: Chipper schoolteacher Diane (Annette Bening) is ecstatic in her relationship with Daniel (Andy Samberg), a disinterested student who would rather hang out with his friends.
Two A-Holes in a Live Nativity SceneSummary: The Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) participate in a live Nativity scene, despite their limited knowledge or interest in the reason for the season. Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: The boss (Fred Armisen) of a fast food restaurant suffers anger management issues as he gives his employees a “Pep Talk.” Note: This Digital Short was cut from last week’s episode hosted by Matthew Fox. Transcript
Buyer BewareSummary: Mason Lemmings (Kenan Thompson) and his neighbor Trudy (Maya Rudolph) host a consumer affairs program in their garage, warning local Brooklyn residents about what products not to waste their hard-earned money on while shopping for Christmas presents.
Gwen Stefani performs “Wind It Up”First Performed: 04o. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) comments on an off-balanced phone call he received from Lindsay Lohan. Airplane passenger Gloria Patrick (Kristen Wiig) comments about her recent efforts to light a match in mid-flight to cover the smell of her flatulence. In an effort to speak out against same-sex marriage, Will Forte sings “Silly Silly Gays.” Recurring Characters: Al Gore.
Monster Under the BedSummary: When a little girl (Amy Poehler) thinks there might be a monster under her bed, her parents (Will Forte, Annette Bening) freak out and arm themselves with weaponry to ensure their family’s safety. Transcript
ValtrexSummary: Husband (Alec Baldwin) convinces his wife (Amy Poehler) that genital herpes can lie dormant for years before exposing itself. Note: Repeat from 11/11/06.
Introverts’ Night OutSummary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig) and Meryl (Annette Bening) finally make it out of the office to indulge in an after-work Happy Hour, which eventually opens them up to a discussion on butt-messin’. Transcript
Akon performs “I Wanna Love You”Bio: Akon (1981-). Hip-Hop/R&B performer; real name: Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam; produced and performed on Gwen Stefani’s 2006 album, The Sweet Escape. Lyrics
Stanfield & PartlowSummary: Lawyers Martha Stanfield (Annette Bening) and Christopher Partlow (Bill Hader) represent only cats as clients. Note: This sketch ran short on time during the live broadcast. Transcript
[ open on Sale-Mart manager standing in front of a bank of cash registers ]
Manager: Here at Sale-Mart, your big and friendly superstore, we’re ALL about low prices! Look! [ holds up a quesadilla maker in its box ] This quesadilla maker retails for $23.99. But you pay — [ smiley-face bounces on “Passin’ it along” price sticker marked $23.99, changes price to $19.26 ] 19.26! So, how do we do it? We ALL pitch in!
[ cut to two male employees stacking quesadilla maker boxes ]
Employee #1: We’ve only worked here for two years! Not enough to qualify for health insurance!
Employee #2: Or a dental plan! [ smiles to reveal crooked, misshapen teeth ] Passin’ the savings on to you!
[ cut to three foreign employees standing with cleaning equipment in a warehouse ]
Foreign Employees: We’re legal!!
[ cut to Female Employee raising a box over her head, as a co-worker climbs a ladder in the background while carrying a heavy box ]
Female Employee: Instead of getting Workman’s Comp, we just keep it careful! [ her co-worker promptly falls off the ladder, his legs twisting amongst the metal ]
[ cut to Chinese employee building a quesadilla maker in a warehouse ]
Chinese Employee: [ speaking in Chinese: “I work hard for 16 hours a day, so you save money.” ]
[ cut to full Sale-Mart staff holding boxes of quesadilla makers at the front of the store ]
Employees: That’s the Sale-Mart way!!
[ cut to Sale-Mart title graphic ]
Announcer: Sale-Mart.
[ Sale-Mart Manager pops in front of the graphic ]
Manager: Make sure to stop by our pharmacy, where generic prescription drugs.. [ raises hands and lets pills bounce to the floor ] are TWO handfuls for a DOLLAR!!
…..Matthew Fox …..Jack Black …..Kyle Gass The Metal…..Jason Reed …..SNL Cast
Matthew Fox: Once again, Tenacious D!
(cheers and applause)
Tenacious D: (singing) Since the dawn of Time, one genre of music has ruled with an iron fist
Heavy Metal!
[reveal a metal monster at the center of the stage]
You can’t kill the metal The metal will live on Punk Rock tried to kill the metal But they failed, as they were smite to the ground New Wave tried to kill the metal But they failed, as they were stricken down to the ground Grunge tried to kill the metal – Ha, hahahahaha They failed, as they were thrown to the ground Yeah! Aargh! Aargh!
[members of SNL’s cast enter the stage, dressed as the various musical genres described]
Tenacious D & Cast: [singing] No one can destroy the metal The metal will strike you down with a vicious blow We are the vanquished foes of the metal We tried to win, for why we do not know.
[the musical genres break apart, as the New Wave (Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph) dances next to The Metal]
Tenacious D: [singing] New Wave tried to destroy the metal, but the metal had its way
[The Metal strikes a blow across New Wave, sending them crashing to the floor]
[Grunge (Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis) moves in to take on The Metal]
Grunge then tried to dethrone the metal, but metal was in the way
[The Metal kicks Grunge to the ground]
[Punk Rock (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) moves in]
Punk Rock tried to destroy the metal, but metal was a-much too strong
[The Metal raises its arms menacingly, as Punk Rock sinks to the ground]
[Techno (Kristen Wiig) steps in, meekly]
Techno tried to defile the metal, but techno was proven wrong, yea!
[The Metal looks at Techno in disbelief, so Techno simply turns and walks away]
Metal! It comes from hell!
[Jack Black jumps up toward the drummer, as the genres re-enter the stage]
Sloooo-moooo!
[The Metal slowly throws one genre to the ground after another, all acted out in slow-motion]
Iron Maiden!
Judas Priest!
Satanic Dog Pile!
[all the genres jump on top of The Metal in one heap, as he bursts through them in slow-motion]
(Pan to music stage, as Jack Black sings and Kyle Gass plays guitar; this is mostly a lyrical performance by Jack Black, though he is sometimes seen playing guitar. Gass is mostly lead guitar in this song)
Jack Black (Narrator): A long ass time ago, In a town called Kickapoo, There lived a humble family Religious through and through. But yay there was a black sheep And he knew just what to do. His name was young J.B. and he refused to step in line. A vision he did see-eth Rockin’ all the time. He wrote a tasty jam and all the planets did align
Jack Black (Son): Oh the dragon’s balls were blazin’ as I stepped into his cave, Then I sliced his freakin’ cockles, with a long and shiny blade! ‘Twas I who freaked the dragon, freakalize sing-freakaloo!) And if you try to freak with me, Then I shall freak you too! Gotta get it on in the party zone! Gotta lose control in the party zone! Gotta lock and load in the party zone! Gotta lick a toad in the party zone! Oh, sh–
Kyle Gass (Father): You’ve disobeyed my orders, son, My way you never born Your brother’s ten times better than you, Jesus loves him more. This music that you play for us comes from the depths of hell. Rock and roll’s The Devil’s work, he wants you to rebel. You’ll become a mindless puppet; Beelzebub will pull the strings! Your heart will lose direction, And chaos it will bring. You’d better shut your mouth, You’d better watch your tone! You’re going for a week with no telephone! Don’t let me here you cry, Don’t let me hear you moan! You gotta praise The Lord when you’re in my home!
Jack Black (Son): Dio can you hear me? I am lost and so alone. I’m askin’ for your guidance. Won’t you come down from your throne? I need a tight compadre who will teach me how to rock. My father thinks you’re evil, But man, he can suck a rock Rock is not The Devil’s work, It’s magical and rad. I’ll never rock as long as I am stuck here with my dad
Jack Black (Dio poster): I hear you brave young Jaybles, You are hungry for the rock. But to learn the ancient method, Sacred doors you must unlock. Escape your father’s clutches, And this oppressive neighborhood. On a journey, you must go, To find the land of Hollywood! In The City of Fallen Angels, Where the ocean meets the sand, You will form a strong alliance, And the world’s most awesome band. To find your fame and fortune, Through the valley you must walk. You will face your inner demons. Now go, my son, and rock!
Jack Black (Narrator): So he went from Kickapoo With hunger in his heart; And he journeyed far and wide to find the secrets of his art; But in the end he knew that he would find his counterpart. Rooooock. Rah-ha-ha-ha-hock. Raye-yayayayaye-yock!”
Matthew Fox: Thank you! Thank you very much! [ the audience cheers harder ] Wow! Thank you, thank you so much! Oh, wow! This us, uh – this is quite an honor. I – I can’t tell you how excited I am to be here. I’ve wanted to do this for so long – in fact, uh, I was very close to hosting about ten years ago. Before I was on “Lost”, I was on a show called “Party of Five”, and — [ audience screams excitedly ] Thank you! And, I remember when Neve Campbell, from that show, hosted, and I thought to myself, “Why not me?” Then, a little bit later, Jennifer Love Hewitt – also from “Party of Five” – got the call, and I was really psyched because I knew that I was probably next. But, then, uh, Scott Wolf got asked, and then I was, like, “Way to go, Scott!” You know? But, at least I knew then that I was definitely next. And, so I waited for the call. I waited. Then the call came, that.. “Party of Five” was cancelled.
That’s when I realized that my chance of hosting was gone. And, uh, what followed were some pretty dark times. [ creepy music begins to play ] I – I didn’t know what to do, I – I wandered the streets at night.. I joined the Merchant Marines.. I drank a lot.. I, uh – I killed a man, and.. and, then I killed four more. I-I-I’ll admit it – I mean, I wasn’t myself. I didn’t know what I was going to do. But, one day I was in a bar, and I ran into John Ratzenberger – Cliff, from “Cheers.” And, apparently everyone in that cast got to host except for him. He reminded me there’s been a lot of great actors in hit TV shows who never got any chance to host this show. Like Matt LeBlanc from “Friends” – he never hosted – all the other friends did. The whole cast of “Seinfeld” hosted, except for Michael Richards —
[ — who bursts into the scene like Kramer through an unlocked door ]
Michael “Kramer” Richards: Yee-ahhhh!!
Matthew Fox: What’s — ?
Michael “Kramer” Richards: Listen, I got here as QUICK as I COULD!! FOXY!! Listen to this idea: WE could host the show TOGETHER!!
Matthew Fox: Michael. Michael – uh – I’m not sure this is the best time for you to be doing comedy.
Michael “Kramer” Richards: Michael? Who’s Michael?! I’M KRAMER!! I got the floppy hair again, the high pants! I mean, EVERYBODY loves KRAMER!! I worked up a whole new act! I did it the other night at the Laugh Factory, it got a GREAT reaction!!
Matthew Fox: Really? Uh —
Michael “Kramer” Richards: [ desperately ] Listen, is there anything on “Lost” for me? You know, I could be one of the Others, I could be Black Smoke, be one of the Flashbacks – I mean, I neeed this [ whiny ] really, really, really, really ba-ad!! Foxy! You GOTTA let me have this!!
Matthew Fox: No. No, no, no. I really want to do this by myself.
Michael “Kramer” Richards: Ri-ight. You’re a real shifty one, Foxy. [ maniacally pats Fox on the stomach, laughs and exits ]
Matthew Fox: We’ve got a great show – Tenacious D is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Nancy Grace….Amy Poehler Dr. Albert Edwards….Kenan Thompson Greg Tanner….Matthew Fox
Announcer: This is CNN.
Caption: CNN The most trusted name in news.
[Nancy sits at her desk, background of city buildingsat night. She has a black blazer, orange shirt,mushroom hairdo, southern cadence in her tone ofvoice, holds a pen]
Nancy Grace: O.J. Simpson, Michael Richards and my ownlegal troubles. This and more tonight on “Nancy Grace”.
[Show’s introduction montage. Nancy snarls at thecamera, Nancy crosses her arms, defiant look on her face]
Caption: Nancy Grace
Nancy Grace: Good evening, I’m Nancy Grace and yes Iam wearing upper and lower lashes. Buckle up,everybody. Because as weeks go this one is as full asa deer tick.[Wiggles her pen]Stef! I’m talking withStef my producer. Has someone been messing with mylucky show pen? It feels light. Like someone’s beenusing it. Yeah, it’s light.[drops pen on desk,disgusted look on her face]Tonight we begin with theongoing Michael Richards drama. Now for those of youfriends living in a cave, TVs Kramer went onstage atthe comedy club and then threw a bunch of “n” wordsaround. He had what mother Grace called an “old timeycrack-up”. Joining now to comment is one the manyvictims of this outburst. Professor of AfricanAmerican Studies at Morehouse College[Screen splitsshowing a distinguished black man in a suit and tie,gray hair, glasses]Dr. Albert Edwards. How are youholding up doctor?
[Caption at the bottom of the screen. Breaking News.Headline Prime. Michael Richards Drama. Dr. AlbertEdwards African American Studies Morehouse College.Nancy Grace.]
Dr. Albert Edwards: Fine, Nancy. But I should pointout that I don’t consider myself a victim rather I’mone of the number of African Americans who sees thisas an opportunity to open up dialogue on race inAmerica.
Nancy Grace: Hmmm, that’s exactly what I would expecta victim to say.[smug look]
Dr. Albert Edwards: Nancy, you understand that I wasnot at The Laugh Factory?
Nancy Grace: But you heard about it and I know youkeep playing it over and over in your mind. And I needto remind you that you are a victim and you need tostop feeling ashamed.
Dr. Albert Edwards: I’m not a victim and I’m notashamed.
Nancy Grace: Hmmm, that means you’re healing. Doctor,I think you should sue Michael Richards.
Dr. Albert Edwards: Well, I’m not going to.
Nancy Grace: I think every black person in Americashould sue Michael Richards.
Dr. Albert Edwards: Well, that’s just not possible.
Nancy Grace: Do you know who else should sue Michael Richards?
Dr. Albert Edwards: No.
Nancy Grace: Michael Richards.
Dr. Albert Edwards: Why would Michael Richards sue Michael Richards?
Nancy Grace: Because he ruined his career. And youknow what they would call that case?
Dr. Albert Edwards: What?
Nancy Grace: Kramer vs. Kramer.[smug smile, pleasedwith her own joke]You get it?
Dr. Albert Edwards: Unfortunately, yes.
Nancy Grace: I like you Dr. Edwards. The only “n” wordI would call you is “nice”.
[Dr.Edwards squints, thinks about it]
Dr. Albert Edwards: I don’t think that sentence cameout the way you wanted it to.
Nancy Grace: I think it did. Moving on the Fox Networkchose not to air the O.J. Simpson interview where hewould’ve told us how he would have done the murder ifhe had done the murder. But I do want to show you howI would’ve reacted if I had watched it. [pretends toflick channel with remote control]Click! What?[crossesher arms]Ugh! Click! Of course those are hypotheticalreactions but I think we can agree it would besomething pretty close to that.[shakes herpen]Seriously, Stef. This pen is as light as afeather! Someone’s been messing with it.[annoyedlook]Finally, tonight I would like to address some ofthe legal issues that I have been dealing with.Joining us is Traffic Violations Officer Greg Tanner.How are you frie-e-end?
[Screen splits, moustached traffic officer is gettingmiked up. Looks uneasy]
Greg Tanner: Hmmm, I’m good. Am I on TV?
[Caption at the bottom of the screen. Breaking News.Nancy’s Legal Issues. Greg Tanner Traffic ViolationsOfficer. Headline Prime. Nancy Grace]
Nancy Grace: Congratulations, you are. Officer, wereyou just outside the studio giving me a parkingticket?
Greg Tanner: Yes.
Nancy Grace: And why is that?
Greg Tanner: Because you parked in a handicapped parking space.
Nancy Grace: And have I done that before?
Greg Tanner: Pretty much every week, Nancy.
Nancy Grace: Let me ask you this. What am I to do if Ipull up to the studio and someone has parked in theNancy Grace space? Should I just turn my car off andleave it in the middle of the street?
Greg Tanner: No, but you can’t park in a handicapped space.
Nancy Grace: Is it not having a parking space considered a handicap?
Greg Tanner: I would say no.
Nancy Grace: But having a parking space taken by someone else is a handicap?
Greg Tanner: I don’t quite understand. I do think itsagainst the law to force me into your show though.
Nancy Grace: Officer, I’m going to ask you a question I would lo-o-o-ve an answer to. Have you ever watched Seinfeld?
Greg Tanner: Sure.
Nancy Grace: Hmmmm, then I don’t think you’re reallyin any position to judge anyone. Seinfeld. Is allmaking sense to me now. When we come back we’re gonnaplay my favorite game. “Where in the world is JoranVan Der Sloot?” Stick around.
[Show’s montage with Nancy snarling, crossing herarms, defiant look plays again]
Matthew Fox: I want to thank Tenacious D! [ audience cheers ] The whole cast, and everybody at SNL! I had the greatest time this week – thank you, guys!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 2nd, 2006 Matthew Fox Tenacious D None Jason Reed Emily Spivey An NBC Special ReportSummary: President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) holds a press conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki (Fred Armisen) and his translator (Will Forte). Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.
Montage
Matthew Fox’s MonologueSummary: Matthew Fox explains to the audience how his life fell apart years earlier when he was the only “Party of Five” co-star who didn’t get to host “SNL” during its prime, not unlike stars like Matt LeBlanc and Michael Richards (Bill Hader). Bio: Matthew Fox (1966-). Actor; starred in TV series “Party of Five” (1994-2004) and “Lost” (2004-). Cameo: 06h. Transcript
Sale-MartSummary: To maintain its everyday low prices, the discount merchandising outlet proudly cuts corners on employee benefits. Note: This commercial parody has been cut from several dress rehearsals since the beginning of the season. Transcript
Nancy GraceSummary: Nancy Grace (Amy Poehler) discusses Michael Richards’ racist tirade with a black college professor (Kenan Thompson) who obviously was not affected by it, gives her hypothetical review of O.J. Simpson’s cancelled TV special, then grills a police officer (Matthew Fox) who gave her a ticket for parking in a handicapped space. Recurring Characters: Nancy Grace. Transcript
Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) dishes on the club music scene with new co-host, T’Shane (Andy Samberg). Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, T’Shane.
Elevator RideSummary: Matthew Fox is bombarded with questions and comments about “Lost” when fans discover his presence in an elevator.
Tenacious D perform “Kickapoo”First Performed: 97s. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: To deter racism, Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) and Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) make “Kramer” the new derogatory term for black people. Amy Poehler’s Aunt Linda (Kristin Wiig) reviews recent films that were released after Thanksgiving. Amy Poehler comments on Britney Spears’ continued downward slide. Whitney Houston’s (Maya Rudolph) commentary about her financial troubles is interrrupted by prank calls on her cell phone. Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Aunt Linda, Whitney Houston.
Crazy Mountain ManSummary: All the crazy mountain man (Matthew Fox) wants is a piece of pie, but, failing that, he’ll settle for a kiss from a pair of pretty mountain ladies (Amy Poehler, Kristin Wiig). Fox cooperates with the script until he realizes that Amy, Kristen, and sketch writer Emily Spivey are stringing him along for a kiss.
Math vs. HistorySummary: History buff parents (Will Forte, Kristin Wiig) take it hard when their son (Andy Samberg) switches his college major to Math.
The Mayan Empire
Tenacious D perform “The Metal”Note: The metal monster is played by Jason Reed. Lyrics
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Dry EyesSummary: The game show where the winners don’t cave in to their emotions and cry. Note: This sketch will air on the episode hosted by Justin Timberlake in two weeks.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg stars in a series of movie trailers.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: The boss (Fred Armisen) of a fast food restaurant suffers anger management issues as he gives his employees a “Pep Talk.” Note: This Digital Short will air on next week’s episode hosted by Annette Bening.
Condom AdSummary: Soap opera stars Michael Park and Kim Zimmer talk about the condoms they use during sex scenes.
Recording SessionSummary: Jack Black is distracted during a recording session by thoughts of his van.
Buyer BewareSummary: Mason Lemmings (Kenan Thompson) and his neighbor Trudy (Maya Rudolph) host a consumer affairs program in their garage, warning local Brooklyn residents about what products not to waste their hard-earned money on while shopping for Christmas presents. Note: This sketch will air on next week’s episode hosted by Annette Bening.
Stock MarketSummary: In 1929, an investor (Darrell Hammond) praises the Stock Market the day before the crash that begat the Great Depression.
BrookstoneSummary: Two guys (Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson) test the massage chairs at Brookstone.
Young Douglas…..Ludacris Harry Connick, Jr…..Jason Sudeikis Barbra Streisand…..Maya Rudolph James Blunt…..Andy Samberg Dolly Parton…..Amy Poehler Louis Armstrong…..Kenan Thompson
[ show Young Douglas in a series of rap poses ]
Announcer: Young Douglas. For over a decade, he’s been the loudest, the fiercest, the most respected hype man in the rap business!
Young Douglas: What? What?
[ show images of Young Douglas backing other rap artists ]
Announcer: Providing onstage back-up for multi-platinum recording artists like Eminem, 50 Cent, and Snoop Dogg!
Young Douglas: Ye-eah!
[ show Young Douglas’ new CD ]
Announcer: And now, for the first time ever, Young Douglas is teaming up with the biggest names in adult contemporary music – on the new album “Young Douglas: Hypin’ the classics.”
Young Douglas: Yo! Go cop my album, ’cause I’m gonna kill it!
Announcer: Featuring: Harry Connick, Jr.
[ dissolve to a grinning Harry Connick, Jr. performing, as young Douglas occasionally jumps into the scene to hype his lines ]
[ SUPER: “It Had To Be You (Hell Yeah)” ]
Harry Connick, Jr.: “It had to be you –“
Young Douglas: Yeaaaahh! It had to be US, baby, ha ha!
Harry Connick, Jr.: “It had to be you –“
Young Douglas: It couldn’t’ve been nobody else – What?! What?! What?!
Harry Connick, Jr.: “I wandered around –“
Young Douglas: Tell me whatchoo was doin’?
Harry Connick, Jr.: “And finally found –“
Young Douglas: Tell ’em whatchoo FOUND, boy-eeee!
Harry Connick, Jr.: “The somebody who –“
Young Douglas: New York City, make some noiiiiiiiiiiiiiizzzzze!!
Announcer: And, yo – you ain’t NEVER heard the song stylin’s of Ms. Barbra Streisand, until you’ve heard ’em with Young Douglas!
[ dissolve to Barbra Streisand performing, as young Douglas occasionally jumps into the scene to hype his lines ]
[ SUPER: “The Way We Were (Get Ya Damn Hands Up)” ]
Barbra Streisand: “Mem’ries –“
Young Douglas: Uh-oh! She recollectin’, y’all!
Barbra Streisand: “Like the corner of my mind –“
Young Douglas: She takin’ it back to nineteen-seventy-THREE! Whoop, whoop, whoop!
Barbra Streisand: “Misty watercolored mem’ries –“
Young Douglas: Drop it on the beat, get familiar with what’s going ON!
Barbra Streisand: “Of the way we were –“
Young Douglas: Get ya damn hands UP! Yeaaaahhh!
Announcer: Young Douglas! When he’s not smokin’ blunts at the dog track, he’s layin’ down smokin’ tracks with his dawg, James Blunt.
[ dissolve to James Blunt performing, as young Douglas occasionally jumps into the scene to hype his lines ]
[ SUPER: “You’re Beautiful (That Ass)” ]
James Blunt: “You’re beautiful –“
Young Douglas: That ass!
James Blunt: “You’re beautiful –“
Young Douglas: He talkin’ ’bout that ass, yo!
James Blunt: “You’re beautiful, it’s true –“
Young Douglas: Your body is bangin’, baby! Whoop! Whoop!
Announcer: And, check it out – Young Douglas is spittin’ straight fire with Dolly Parton!
[ dissolve to Dolly Parton performing, as young Douglas occasionally jumps into the scene to hype his lines ]
[ SUPER: “I Will Always Love You (Damn)” ]
Dolly Parton: “And Iiiiiii-yiiiii-eeeeee, will always love yoooooouuuu –“
Young Douglas: With breasteses, I would always love you, too, baby! Whoo!!
Dolly Parton: “Iiiiiiiii will always love you –“
Young Douglas: Yeah! Check ’em out, y’all! It’s like Beyonce’s ass built a house up north, and painted it WHITE! Look! Check ’em out! Look!
Dolly Parton: “Iiiiiiiii will always love you –“
Young Douglas: Hey, check it out from the side! Check it out, beat, you like that! Yeah! Yeah!
Announcer: And he ain’t just hypin’ the livin’ – he’s gettin’ straight grindin’ with the DEAD, too! Listen to this classic, with Louis Armstrong:
[ dissolve to black-and-white Louis Armstrong performing, as young Douglas occasionally jumps into the scene to hype his lines ]
[ SUPER: “Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off (Gangsta Anthem)” ]
Louis Armstrong: “You say Tomato –“
Young Douglas: Say it how you say it, ‘Strong! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Louis Armstrong: “You say Potato –“
Young Douglas: Get the word out, baby – yeah! Take that, take that, take that, take that!
Louis Armstrong: “Tomato –“
Young Douglas: What’s up, what, WHAT?!
Louis Armstrong: “Potato –“
Young Douglas: 2007, baby!
Louis Armstrong: “Let’s call the whole thing off –” [ blows trumpet ]
Young Douglas: Pop, pop, pop! It’s off, it’s off! What!
Announcer: You’ve loved these songs for as long as you can remember. Now hear them again for the first motherfu–in’ time.
Young Douglas: Hypin’ the Classics, is availabe at Best Buy, as well as on Canal Street and the mix tape spot at 14th and 6th.
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers John Mark Karr…..Bill Hader Bobby Knight…..Jason Sudeikis Anoosa Rosenfeld…..Maya Rudolph
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories.
President Bush, on Monday, met for more than an hour with the independent panel examining strategic options for Iraq, and cautioned afterward that, while he’s open to new ideas, he’d like them to come only from people who agree with him.
The Food and Drug Administration, on Friday, ended its fourteen-year ban on silicone breast implants. Said a spokesman for the FDA: [ mimes clutching her breasts ] “Ah-ooga! Ah-ooga!”
Seth Meyers: Senator Trent Lott, who was ousted from the Senate leadership four years ago because of remarks considered racially insensitive, won election Wednesday as the Senate Minority Whip, though Lott was disappointed to learn this doesn’t mean he gets to whip minorities.
In Kentucky, four people were shot by BB guns outside a Best Buy, as they waited in line to purchase the new Playstation 3, in yet another disturbing case of nerd-on-nerd violence.
Amy Poehler: General John Abizaid, the top U.S. General for the Middle East, told Congress this week that he remains optimistic that we can stabilize Iraq. In addition, Abizaid says he still has high hopes for Brad and Jennifer.
Seth Meyers: This Wednesday, O.J. simpson’s announced plans for a TV interview and book that hypothetically discusses how he would have murdered Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. Here to comment on the ethical nature of this media event – John Mark Karr.
[ the audience cheers the presence of John Mark Karr ]
John Mark Karr: [ silently stares at the audience, batting his eyelashes at a furious pace ] Thank you, Seth and Amy. It’s good to be here. Let me begin by saying that I find this entire affair nothing more.. than a disgusting exploitation of a tragic event. Shame on the FOX Network, shame of Judith Regan, and, most of all, shame on O.J. Simpson, who loves the public spotlight so much.. that he continues to prentend.. that he killed.. Nicole Brown Simpson.
Seth Meyers: Wait. You – you don’t think that he killed her? You don’t think he’s the killer?
John Mark Karr: I know he isn’t the killer, Seth. Because I am. [ breathes easier ] Oh, my goodness! [ chuckles ] It feels so good to get that off my chest! Thank you guys, for being so easy to talk to! [ chuckles awkwardly ] The confessional floodgates are o-peninnnng! [ chuckles ] Oh! I’m just remembering another terrible thing I did – Seth, I can tell you this because I feel like you understand me.
Seth Meyers: I don’t.
John Mark Karr: The other day, I went to Naomi Campbell’s apartment.. and I hit her maid.. on the back of the head. Oh, my God! [ chuckles nervously ] It feels so good to confess to all my heinous, heinous crimes, y’all!
Seth Meyers: Yeah. I don’t think you did that, either.
John Mark Karr: [ desperately ] I shot 50 Cent!
Seth Meyers: Oh, come on!
John Mark Karr: Well, not all nine times – just six. Or five. Or six. I shot him eleven times!
Seth Meyers: Alright, go on. John Mark Karr, everybody.
John Mark Karr: I killed Bambi’s mom! What?!
Amy Poehler: Jesse Jackson, Oprah winfrey, Maya Angelous and Tommy Hilfiger were among those gathered in Washington, D.C., Monday, for the ground breaking of the Martin Luther King, Jr. National Memorial. And you know that if Martin Luther King were alive, he would have looked at the crowd and said, “Why the hell is Tommy Hilfiger here?”
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were marries earlier today in a castle in Italy. Let’s take a look at who was among the guests!
Seth Meyers: Oh, great!
Amy Poehler: Okay, we have a little chart here.
Seth Meyers: I love weddings!
Amy Poehler: [ pulls out seating chart ] This is fun – a little wedding chart here. [ using pointer ] So the bride and groom are here on the dais —
Seth Meyers: Oh, that’s nice.
Amy Poehler: Yeah. And the groom’s family sat over here.
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
Amy Poehler: Bride’s family over here.
Seth Meyers: Very exciting!
Amy Poehler: Yeah. Level 8: operational Faithens were over here.
Seth Meyers: Okay. That makes sense.
Amy Poehler: Aliens from the planet Klargon-7 – yeah, they say with the Meep Morps.
Seth Meyers: What? They can’t do that! The Klargons hate the Meep Morps!
Amy Poehler: I know. I know. And, at this table were the Dum-Dums and the Koo-Koos.
Seth Meyers: Oh, well, that’s good! ‘Cause Koo-Koos love Dum-Dums.
Amy Poehler: Yeah, Dum-Dums are great at weddings.
Seth Meyers: Wait a second – I’m sorry. [ lifts chart at the back of the pack, a single table at the rear ] Who’s this that sat way over here?
Amy Poehler: Brooke Shields.
Seth Meyers: Oh, that makes sense!
[ they put the chart away and continue with the newscast ]
Seth Meyers: Hall of Fame running back, Emmitt Smith, won “Dancing With the Stars”, Wednesday night. Tragically, he then celebrated by spiking his dance partner.
A Vermont woman who claims she was removed from an airplane because she was breastfeeding her baby, has filed a complaint against Delta Airlines and Freedom Airlines. In the airlines’ defense, this was the “baby.” [ show photo of grown man with a goatee ]
Amy Poehler: NBC announced another round of layoffs this week, Though, in some good news for the network, the “Dateline” sex predator is going co-op.
The Vatican reaffirmed the requirement that priests and seminarians remain celibate. Priests everywhere celebrated the news by saying, “Okay, that’s great! It’s just what we were hoping for! Yay!”
Seth Meyers: This week, “Spider-Man” star, Toby Maguire, and his fiancee, Jennifer Meyer, had a baby girl out of weblock. [ shakes his head apologetically ]
[ suddenly, basketball coach Bobby Knight appears onstage and begins yelling at Seth Meyers ]
Bobby Knight: Come on! Come on! Look! What the HELL was that, Meyers?!
[ his head hanging down ] I-I’m – I’m sorry, Coach Knight —
Bobby Knight: WHAT?! WHAT?!! You got — [ grabs Seth’s tie ] LOOK AT ME!! You LOOK AT ME!! Keep your head up!! Look, you’ve gotta have CONFIDENCE in your jokes!! You’ve gotta STAY IN THE GAME!! You lose confidence, YOU LOSE!! You understand me?!! YOU LOSE!! [ an extended, awkward beat ] Stay in the GAME, Meyers!! [ steps back, turns and faces an offscreen crew member ] Cut your hair! [ looks back at Seth, then smacks his across the chest before making his exit from the set ]
Amy Poehler: Wow.. that’s Bobby Knight. Do you think he’s still mad?
Seth Meyers: No, no, he’s fine.
Amy Poehler: Yeah.
[ a basketball is thrown at Seth, and bounces off his left shoulder ]
Amy Poehler: Oh!! Ooh. Stay in the game, Seth. Tough – tough “Update” coach.
Seth Meyers: [ smiles ] According to a government study, only one-percent of web sites indexed by Google and Microsoft are sexually explicit. Though, I did my own research, and it turns out that’s plenty!
Amy Poehler: Next week is Thanksgiving, and herem with an important message for young girls, is the editor of the teen magazine, Sixteen & 1/2, Anoosa Rosenfeld.
Anoosa Rosenfeld: Hey, guys! What’s up, guys? It is SO awesome to be here. Amy, wasn’t “Degrassi” on the end super crunk last night?
Amy Poehler: I don’t know what any of those words mean.
Anoosa Rosenfeld: [ laughs with a titter, then takes out a tube of lip gloss ] MYSPACE!! You know, I am actually here to talk to you about something really important. Oh, my gosh – so serious, right, you guys? Amy, Thanksigiving is this week. And it’s easy to forget that there are a lot of hungry people out there. And, uh – I thought I would remind all the teenaged girls out there that you CAN make a difference by donating food. Canned goods are great, but it does NOT have to stop there. This Thanksgiving, I am going to encourage – or [ makes quotes signs with her fingers ] “pressure” all the teenaged girls out there to donate ALL your food! Everything! Just keep donating until you almost feel like you’re going to pass out. FALL OUT BOY!! [ rubs lip gloss on her lips ]
Amy Poehler: Anoosa, are – are you okay?
Anoosa Rosenfeld: Huh? I’m great. and so are all these stars who are making a difference. For example, Kate Bosworth. [ show skinny photo ] Look how generous she is! Mischa Barton? [ show skinny photo ] Gosh, so giving! And, Nicole Ritchie? [ show skinny photo ] I can almost see her Thanksgiving spirit just jutting right through her chest! They are such an inspiration, Amy. Now, tell me, do you donate?
Amy Poehler: Uh, yeah – I try to do my part.
Anoosa Rosenfeld: [ glances at Amy’s body ] Really? It probably wouldn’t kill to be a little more charitable, huh? [ begins chewing on her lip gloss, and laughing nervously ]
Amy Poehler: Anoosa – Anoosa, are you eating your lip gloss?
Anoosa Rosenfeld: Huh? CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY!! [ laughs nervously as she eats the lip gloss ] So, girls, this year – when you sit down to your Thanksgiving dinner, of a Sweet-and-Low packet and a cigarette, just remember: MILLIONS of TEENAGERS like you go to bed HUNGRY EVERY NIGHT!! Shouldn’t YOU be ONE of them?!
Amy Poehler: Anoosa Rosenfeld, everyone.
Anoosa Rosenfeld: GIRL POWER!!
Amy Poehler: Oh. She’s gotta go.
Anoosa Rosenfeld: I’m so hungry!
Amy Poehler: You’re eating lip gloss.
Anoosa Rosenfeld: I’m SO hungry!
Amy Poehler: I understand.
Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, Microsoft introduced its own version of the iPod, called Zune. As in, “Hey! Your zune isn’t as cool as my iPod!”
Amy Poehler: More than 700 passengers and crew members aboard a transatlantic Carnival cruise ship have fallen ill with flu-like symptoms. Experts have traced the outbreak to the previous night’s dinner special – All-You-Can-Eat Room-Temperature Oysters.
According to new research, manatees are smarter than they appear – but not by much.
Seth Meyers: Christian and Muslim Britons joined forces yesterday to tell city officials to stop taking the Christianity out of Christmas, warning them that this simply fuels a backlash against Muslims. Also fueling a backlash against Muslims – terrorism.
According to a new report, women who suffer from vaginal itching, burning or swelling after sex, may actually be having an allergic reaction to their partner’s semen. also, if you have peanut allergies, don’t have sex with this guy. [ show photo of Mr. Peanut with a black bar over his crotch ]
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Air Date:
A Special Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) addresses the nation about the release of the Iraqi War Report, and reads suggestions sent in by concerned Americans.
