SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap

Samantha Hawkins…..Maya Rudolph
Donna…..Kristen Wiig
Pete…..Jason Sudeikis
Debra…..Amy Poehler
Jody…..Bill Hader
Dr. Archibald Bitchslap…..Ludacris

Samantha Hawkins: Do you want to save your marriage? I’m Samantha Hawkins, and in the next half hour I’m going to tell you about a revolutionary method to save your marriage. You’ll hear from couples all over who have benefited from this exciting, new, interactive way to solve relationship problems. Joining me in the studio today are Pete and Donna Longhorne, and Debra and Jody Preston. Welcome Pete and Donna. Tell us your story.

Donna: We fought all the time.

Pete: Every day.

Samantha Hawkins: About what?

Donna: Everything…

Pete: Money.

Donna: Money. I used to just spend like crazy. Shoes, handbags, TV sets..

Pete: I would come home from my job, very tired and hungry, always afraid to find out what she bought. Stuff we didn’t need. I was so stressed out about the money we fought.

Donna: Yeah. We fought so much. We tried every kind of counseling.

Pete: Nothing worked, until we heard about your method.

Samantha Hawkins: Hold that thought. Debra and Jody, problems?

Debra: I was at wit’s end, he was never home. He always said he was working late.

Jody: Which was a lie.

Debra: He would lie right to my face.

Jody: I would.

Debra: I saw your advertisement on TV and I thought, why not?

Jody: It was the best thing we ever did.

Samantha Hawkins: Okay. So here are two success stories. Now, I’d like you to meet the man responsible for this revolution in marriage counseling, my friend, and my partner, Dr. Archibald Bitchslap. Tell us about your method Dr. Bitchslap.

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Well, Samantha, I call it the Bitchslap Method and I think it’s absolutely the most effective method for solving any marital problem.

Samantha Hawkins: Is it difficult to put the Bitchslap Method into practice?

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: You know, I don’t think so. I think if you order the tapes and you sit down and watch them, I believe you will fully understand the method.

Samantha Hawkins: Debra? Jody? How long after getting the tapes were you able to start the Bitchslap Method?

Debra: I would say, after watching the tapes I started the method right away.

Jody: She did. And it was very effective.

Debra: I think he’s really come around.

Jody: I-I-I have. Iii love her somuch.

Debra: You know, it’s so easy I think the method should be used every day!

Jody: Why? I mean, yes. I love you.

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Pete? I see you nodding along I see you also had great success with my method, didn’t you?

Pete: It was perfect for me.

Donna: It worked so fast… let me tell you.

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: And how is your marriage today?

Pete: It’s great! She doesn’t spend anymore.

Donna: He’s happy. (Pete locks his arms around her neck) Ow.

Samantha Hawkins: These tapes have so much to offer. Here’s a sample of what you’ll receive, if you order the Bitchslap Method today!

(on tape)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: My name is Archibald Bitchslap. Is your marriage in trouble? Do you wish to change that? Let me show you how.

(Archibald Bitchslap with girl mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Who’s yo daddy, bitch? (slaps mannequin)

(Samantha Hawkins with guy mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: No, you did not, bitch. (slaps mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: You ain’t walkin’ out on me bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Archibald Bitchslap (close up): Biieetch!

Samantha Hawkins: I’m gonna come in your house at night and kill ya, you bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: (slaps mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: (slaps mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: (slaps mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Where’s my dinner, bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: Bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: Don’t talk to me that way, biatch. (slaps mannequin)

(End tape.)

Samantha Hawkins: The tapes are simple, direct, and so easy to understand.

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: There’s even a companion booklet that lets you read along.

Samantha Hawkins: When we come back, more couples share their amazing experiences with the Bitchslap Method. And Dr. Archibald Bitchslap will demonstrate on me!

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Oh yes, I will.

Samantha Hawkins: And I’ma get you back.

Submitted by: Claire N.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Ludacris and Mary J. Blige perform “Runaway Love”

…..Aenan Thompson
…..Ludacris
…..Mary J. Blige

Kenan Thompson: Once again – Ludacris!

Mary J. Blige: “Runaway love.”

Ludacris: Hey!

Mary J. Blige: “Runaway love.”

Ludacris: Whoo!

Mary J. Blige: “Runaway love.”

Ludacris: Okay!

Mary J. Blige: “Runaway love.”

Ludacris: Runaway, runaway!

Mary J. Blige: “Runaway love.”

Ludacris: Release therapy, baby!

Mary J. Blige:
“Runaway love
Runaway love
Runaway love
Runaway love.”

Ludacris:
“Now little Lisa is only nine years old
She’s steady tryin’ to figure why the world is so cold
Why she’s all alone and they never met her family
Mama’s always gone and she never met her daddy
Part of her is missin’ and nobody will listen
Mama is on drugs getting’ high up in the kitchen
Bringin’ home men at different hours of the night
Startin’ with some laughs – usually endin’ in a fight
Sneak into her room while her mama’s knocked out
Tryin’ to have his way and little Lisa says “Ouch”
She tries to resist but then all he does is beat her
Tries to tell her mom but her mama don’t believe her
Lisa is stuck up in the world on her own
Forced to think that hell is a place called home
Nothin else to do but some get some clothes and pack
She says she’s ’bout to run away and never come back – hey!”

Mary J. Blige:
“Runaway love
Runaway, runaway, runaway
Runaway love
Runaway, runaway, runaway
Runaway love
Runaway, runaway, runaway
Runaway love.”

Ludacris:
“Little Nicole is only ten years old
She’s steady tryin’ to figure why the world is so cold
Why she’s not pretty and nobody seems to like her
Alcoholic stepdad always wanna strike her
Yells and abuses, leaves her with some bruises
Teachers ask questions she makin’ up excuses
Bleedin’ on the inside, cryin’ on the out
It’s only one girl really knows what she about
Her name is little Stacy and they become friends
Promise that they always be tight ‘til the end
Until one day, little Stacy gets shot
A drive-by bullet went stray up on her block
Now Nicole stuck up in the world on her own
Forced to think that hell is a place called home
Nothin else to do but some get some clothes and pack
She says she’s ’bout to run away and never come back – hey!”

Mary J. Blige:
“Runaway love
Runaway, runaway, runaway
Runaway love
Don’t keep running
Runaway love.”

Ludacris:
“Little Erica is eleven years old
She’s steady tryin’ to figure why the world is so cold
So she pops “X” to get rid of all the pain
‘Cause she’s havin’ sex with a boy who’s sixteen
Emotions run deep and she thinks she’s in love
So there’s no protection – he’s usin’ no glove
Never thinkin’ bout the consequences of her actions
Livin’ for today and not tomorrow’s satisfaction
The days go by and her belly gets big
The father bails out – he ain’t ready for a kid
Knowin’ her mama will blow it all outta proportion
Plus she lives poor, so no money for abortion
Erica is stuck up in the world on her own
Forced to think that hell is a place called home
Nothin’ else to do but get her clothes and pack
She say she’s about to run away and never come back.”

Mary J. Blige:
“Runaway, runaway
Runaway love
Don’t keep running, girl
Runaway love
Runaway, runaway, runaway, runaway
Running, running, running.”

Ludacris: Hey!

Mary J. Blige:
“Don’t you keep running away
Don’t you keep on running away
I know how you feel, I been there
I was running away, too
I will run away with you
I will run away with you
Running, running, running away.”

Ludacris: Hey!

Mary J. Blige:
“Runaway, runaway, runaway love
Don’t keep running away
And I’ll run away with you
If you want me to.”

Ludacris:
“I can only imagine what you’re going through, ladies
Sometimes I feel like running away myself
So do me a favor right now and close your eyes and picture us running away together
And when we come back, everything is going to be okay, all right?
Open youe eyes.”(applause)

Ladies and gentlemen – Mary J. Blige!

(fade)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Ludacris performs “Money Maker”

…..Amy Poehler
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Kristin Wiig
…..Ludacris

(As the Ludacris bumper fades, we open on Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph and Kristin Wiig who are dressed in turkey costumes)

Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Kristin Wiig: Ladies and gentlemen – LUDACRIS!

(We pan over to the stage with Pharrell, Ludacris, and his dancers)

Ludacris: Saturday Night – what up!

“Shake your money maker, like somebody’s about to pay ya
I see you on my radar, don’t you act like you’re a faker – oh!

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.

Shake your money maker, like somebody’s about to pay ya
Don’t worry about them haters, keep your nose up in the air.

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.

Shake, shake, shake your money maker
Like you are shaking it for some paper
It took your mama nine months to make ya
You might as well shake what your mama gave ya
Now, you – you lookin’ good in them jeans
I bet you look even better with me in between
I keep my mind on my money, money on my mind
But you is a hell of a distraction when you shake your behind
I got — on my right side, pourin’ some cups
My whole hood is to my left
And they ain’t givin a —
So feel free to get loose, and get carried away
So by tomorrow you forget what you were saying today
But don’t forget about this feeling that I am making you get
And all the calories you burn, from me making you sweat
The mile high points you earn when we taking my jet
And how everywhere you turn I’ll be making you —
Cause you can.

Shake your money maker, like somebody about to pay ya
I see you on my radar, don’t you act like you’re a faker.

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.

Shake your money maker, like somebody about to pay ya
Don’t worry about them haters, keep your nose up in the air.

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.

Switch, switch, switch it from right to left
And switch it till you running right out of breath
And take a break until you ready again
And you can invite over as many friends as you want to
but I really want you and just
Be thankful that Pharrell gave you something to bump to
Hey, Luda! I’m at the top of my game
You want my hands from your bottom to the top of your frame
And I, just wanna take a little ride on your curves
And get erotic giving your body just what it deserves
And let me give you some swimming lessons on the —
Backstroke, breaststroke, stroke of a genius
Yep, call me the Renaissance man
Get up, and I stay harder than a cinderblock man, hey
I’m just a bedroom gangster
And I be mean in tell ya that I really must thank ya when ya.

Shake your money maker, like somebody about to pay ya
I see you on my radar, don’t you act like you’re a faker, she…

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.

Shake your money maker, like somebody about to pay ya
Don’t worry about them haters, keep your nose up in the air.

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.

Rock, rock, rock it and make it work, girl
Please don’t stop it until it hurt, girl
You, you been looking a little tipsy
So if you put just shake it a little this way
I’m a member of the BBC
The original breadwinner of DTP
You the center of attention that’s distracting the squad
Cause everybody in the campus is like, oh my god! She could…

Shake your money maker, like somebody about to pay you
I see you on my radar, don’t you act like you’re a faker, she…

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.

Shake your money maker, like somebody about to pay you
Don’t worry about them haters, keep your nose up in the air.

You know I got it, if you wanna come get it
Stand next to this money, like hey hey hey.”

(applause and fade)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Ludacris’ Monologue

…..Ludacris
Ricdiculous…..Kenan Thompson

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Chris “Lou-day-chris” Bridges.

[ the audience cheers ]

Ludacris: Thank you very much. Well, well, well – it’s about damn time! This is my first time hosting “SNL”, and I must say it is an honor. A’ight? Now, some of you may know me as Chris Bridges from the movie “Crash.” A’ight? [ audience applauds ] Though, most of you know me as Ludacris, whose album, Release Therapy, just happened to go platinum just last week. [ audience cheers ]

See now, of course, I learned the hard way that when someone asks your name, you know, you don’t always say Ludacris.

For example – I’ll give you an example: if I meet a girl at a club, my name is Ludacris; but when I meet her parents, it’s Chris Bridges. A’ight?

When I’m in a studio, it’s always Ludacris; but when I’m applying for a bank loan, I tend to stick with Chris Bridges.

If I’m stopped by the cops, I’m Chris Bridges; If I’m stopped by a black cop, I’m Ludacris. [ audience laughs and cheers ]

Now, you know, I chose the name Ludacris because, you know, that’s how I flow. That’s my style. It’s original, and it’s one-hundred per cent Ludacris. Believe me when I tell you —

Voice: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!

[ a fellow rapper, dressed as his own persona, joins Ludacris on stage ]

Ricdiculous: Say – original? I beg to differ!

Ludacris: Everybody, this is Rick Barnes. We grew up together in Atlanta, Georgia.[ kisses his fingertips and holds it in front of Ludacris’ face ] What’s my name, yo?

Ludacris: Rick Barnes.

Ricdiculous: Ah – no! What’s my name?

Ludacris: Rick Barnes.

Ricdiculous: Ah – uh-uh! It’s — ? [ holds his hand up to his ear ]

Ludacris: [ surrenders ] Ricdiculous.

Ricdiculous: Shyeah! Ricdiculous! Yeah, you know you straight up stole my style, son! Yo! Can I get a beat?!

Ludacris: No, you cannot! Now, can you get off the stage, please?

Ricdiculous: Oh, that’s cool, that’s cool – I’ll make one myself! [ makes beat sound effects, begins rapping ]
“I’m Ricdiculous, and I’m here to say:
I’m the best rapper in the USA!”

Ludacris: Hold on, hold – wait, wait, wat. Why are you dressed like that, man?

Ricdiculous: Well, obviously, I have an interview. A job interview. It’s at a combination Taco Bell-Pizza Hut, so, techincally, it was two interviews!

Ludacris: Look, look – I know we grew up together, but this is ridiculous —

Ricdiculous: That’s right! Ricdiculous in da house! Yeaaaaahhhhh!! Oh! [ holds up his hand ] Can I get a hand? No? I can’t get it? None of that? That’s cool. [ lowers his hand ]

Ludacris: This is not the best time, okay? You see, I’m trying to do my —

Ricdiculous: Oh! Oh! Oh! My fault! My fault! I forgot – you BIG tme now! You can’t talk to an old friend.

Ludacris: Fine – what do you want to talk about, man? Huh? What do you want to —

[ cell phone rings ]

Ricdiculous: Oh, snap! Hold that thought, brother – I am going off! Whoo! [ pulls out oversized cell phone and stretches the antenna out as far as it can go ] Uh-huh? Yeah. Yeah, that’s fantastic! Okay, you won’t regret this! [ hangs up his cell phone ] Man! Looks like somebody don’t need a job after-rall, brother! That was NWA!

Ludacris: What? The NWA hasn’t been together since ’91.

Ricdiculous: Well, I meant NWA as in North West airlines. Yeah, they hired me as a baggage handler. Newark, Terminal C, y’all!

Ludacris: Alright, look, we got a great show tonight, Ludacris is here —

Ricdiculous: Ricdiculous!

Ludacris: Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Goodnights

…..Ludacris

Ludacris: Thanks to Mary J. Blige, the whole cast, you know what I’m saying – everybody here!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Old Friends

Old Friend #1…..Darrell Hammond
Old Friend #2…..Ludacris

[ open on two old friends finishing lunch in a diner ]

Old Friend #1: Let me ask you something —

Old Friend #2: Ask me something, and I’ll TELL you something back!

Old Friend #1: Why is it that the minute I start to like a show, they cancel it?

Old Friend #2: [ chuckles ] Which one?

Old Friend #1: “Barney Miller.”

Old Friend #2: Oh, my God, “Barney Miller” ain’t been on in twenty-five years!

Old Friend #1: I know! Because they canceled it!

Old Friend #2: [ chuckles ] I have a question.

Old Friend #1: What?

Old Friend #2: When did telephones become walkie-talkies, and cameras, and stereos? I like a phone that’s screwed into the wall, you gotta stand to talk on it, you know what I’m talking about? And it’s got a long, funky, FUNKED-UP cord! You know?

Old Friend #1: I want my television to look like furniture! A big, chunky, wooden bastard that gets as HOT as the STOVE!! Something that you put your spider plant on!

Old Friend #2: Here’s a quizzer: why on’t they take the material they use to make pee pads, and make a whole set of pants with ’em? Huh?

Old Friend #1: Do you wear the pee pads?

Old Friend #2: Oh, hell no! I just think that would be a product that would really take off, you know? You know what I’d call ’em?

Old Friend #1: Slick Slacks?

Old Friend #2: Yep.

Old Friend #1: Here’s a puzzler —

Old Friend #2: Hit me!

Old Friend #1: When did it become okay – okay? – to get a tattoo on your penis?

Old Friend #2: And earrings on your bosoms – why?

[ as Darrell Hammond breathes through his nostrils, his fake moustache begins to detach from his upper lip; he starts to raise his hand to adjust it, but quickly retreats ]

Old Friend #2: And answer me this: where did Pudding Pops go, huh?! Where’d they go?!

Old Friend #1: [ fueled with anger ] I want someone to tell me why I can’t smoke in J.C. Penney any more!

Old Friend #2: And when prostitutes start getting so picky?!

Old Friend #1: And when did chicken become a pizza topping?!

Old Friend #2: And where can I find some coffee-flavored coffee?! Huh?!

Old Friend #1: Where can I get a poster of Loni Anderson wearing a sweater-dress?!

Old Friend #2: And why can’t they combine the no-pee medicines with the stuffy medicines? Tell me that! [ looks at Darrell and notices the fake moustache hanging from his upper lip; turns his head back so as not to laugh ]

Old Friend #1: You have trouble in the stiffy department?

Old Friend #2: Oh, hell no! But I know someone who does.

Old Friend #1: Who?

Old Friend #2: ME!! Here’s another query: are you paying for me soup?!

Old Friend #1: Uh – uh, well, yeah. I mean, don’t I always? [ picks up their lunch bill and holds up a dollar, as hi moustache comes considerably looser ] Uh – what is a, uh, good tip.. on six dollars and seventy-five cents?

Old Friend #2: Mmm.. sixteen cents! That’s twenty per cent! One last question: what the donk is the Internet, huh?

Old Friend #1: [ laughs for a split-second ] The hell if I know! [ begins laughing more ] You got me, my friend!

Old Friend #2: I know that your damn moustache is hanging off, I know that!

[ Darrell Hammond finally adjusts his moustache, as he and Ludacris begin waving their arms in mock surrender ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Lesbian Cruise Ship

Arizona…..Amy Poehler
Captain Ronald Huggins…..Ludacris
1st Woman at Table…..Kristen Wiig
2nd Woman at Table…..Maya Rudolph

[FADE IN on stock footage of a cruise ship at sea. FADE to the lounge, which is full of women dancing and flirting. A large banner reads “Olivia Cruise Lines Welcomes You.” PAN across the lounge to the platform, where a woman walks out in a black vest and tan shorts with a butch haircut.]

Arizona: [in a deep voice] Hey-hey-heyyyyyyyyyyyyy, you fabulous women! On behalf of everyone at Olivia Cruise Lines, we’d like to welcome you to your best vacation yet. Who’s ready to party?

Women: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Arizona: All right, we do want to mention that this is a cruise for lesbians, and if you are on the boat by mistake, don’t worry, we don’t bite–except for that one gal in the front row. [points] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… On your first night, there’s some great entertainment comin’ your way. Indigo Girls will be performing by the west pool.

[women cheer in approval]

Arizona: And after dinner, enjoy a cocktail at Club Scissorbang. First, I want you to all meet our very own leader of the seas, Captain Ronald Huggins.

[She opens the door to admit Captain Huggins onto the steps. He swaggers out, dressed to the teeth, and leers at the women as they applaud politely.]

Captain Huggins: Hello, ladies. Helloooo, ladies. I just want to assure you all that your safety is my utmost priority, all right? If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to call on me. All right? Night or day: here I am, ready to go.

Arizona: Everyone enjoy yourselves!

[The ladies return to mingling.]

Arizona: Thank, thank you, uh, so much, Captain Huggins.

[Ignoring her, he points and grins to a lady in the lounge.]

Captain Huggins: [to Arizona] Oh, oh, please, call me Ronnie, just call me Ronnie.

Arizona: It’s really great you’re so supportive of other lifestyles. Other captains we’ve interviewed for our cruises just weren’t as enthusiastic as you.

Captain Huggins: [pointing and grinning into crowd] What, are you kidding me? I love it. It used to be, the only place you could see lesbians was on pay-per-view! Y’know what I mean?

Arizona: Right. Well. Okay. I will, uh, let you get back to your captain duties.

Captain Huggins: Oh, there’s not a whole lot of wind going on, I’m just gonna mingle for a little while, if that’s cool with you.

Arizona: Okay. [turns to leave]

Captain Huggins: Ha, ha. Whooooo!

[Starting down the stairs, he deliberately takes off his captain’s hat and coolly tosses it onto the platform. He steps to the nearest table, where two women are calmly sipping their drinks. Captain Huggins squeezes her shoulder.]

1st Woman: Oh! Hi, Captain.

Captain Huggins: How is… everything?

1st Woman: It’s great.

Captain Huggins: How ’bout your friend over there, huh?

2nd Woman: Oh, I’m her partner. It’s our, uh, fifth anniversary.

Captain Huggins: Good for you. Two ladies being lesbian together for five years! Holy diddly-pie.

[laughter]

2nd Woman: Well. Nice meeting you.

Captain Huggins: Nice meeting you, too. Just pretend I’m not here. Be yourselves. Go ahead and be gay ladies together.

2nd Woman: [stiffly] Thanks.

Captain Huggins: No. No, no, no. Thank you.

1st Woman: Take care.

Captain Huggins: No, you take care… of each other. The way gay ladies do, you know.

[A dance track suddenly starts playing. As women begin to dance, the captain joins in, doing some slow, cheesy moves through the crowd. He stops at a table and picks up a flute of champagne.]

Captain Huggins: I’d like to propose a toast. [raises glass in air]

1st Woman: Um, is he… is he supposed to be drinking?

Captain Huggins: To this day… a ship full of beautiful ladies in their pool skimpies… and me. Ladies who like to be with other ladies.

2nd Woman: Is there a point to this?

Captain Huggins: Kissin’, talkin’, kanuzzlin’, snorkelin’ together in their underdrawers… all manner of gay type stuff.

[laughter]

Arizona: [coming out of crowd] Uh, Captain Huggins? Can I talk to you for a second?

Captain Huggins: Uh, yes, Arizona?

[She takes him aside as the audience murmurs with laughter.]

Arizona: You don’t think that somethin’s gonna happen between you and someone here, do you?

Captain Huggins: [scoffs] Oh, that’s crazy talk. [to crowd] Somebody here get this lady a strait-like-it [sic]… please, just get her a straitjacket, right now!

Arizona: ‘Cause it’s not gonna happen.

Captain Huggins: I know.

Arizona: Do you?

Captain Huggins: Yes.

Arizona: Good.

Captain Huggins: Although I do wonder if maybe some of them are curious about the penis. More specifically, my penis.

Arizona: No.

Captain Huggins: Or shy, maybe afraid to ask, you know, regarding their distant memory of intercourse.

Arizona: No.

Captain Huggins: Or perhaps they like to be with ladies first, y’know, like an appetizer, and then they just–

Arizona: Yeah, no.

Captain Huggins: [frustrated] Well, that’s what happens in “Lickety Splits 3,” man!

Arizona: That’s a porno.

Captain Huggins: I thought it was a documentary about y’all’s lifestyle! Please, forgive me, forgive me.

Woman’s Voice: [over loudspeaker] Hey, ladies: the Water Olympics is about to start at the east pool!

[The ladies coo in anticipation and start to make their way over. Captain Huggins picks up a camcorder off a nearby table.]

Captain Huggins: Ha-ha! I’ll be videotaping the whole event! And even though it’s shallow… diving is allowed. [pause] If you catch my frisbee, so get it up, girls!

[The captain holds up his hands and begins to back into the crowd. A woman grabs him around the waist and starts dragging him toward the edge of the deck.]

Captain Huggins: Get it up! Hey! Hey, what’re you doin’?

[Another woman lifts up his legs, and together they toss him overboard.]

Captain Huggins: [falling] I love me some lesbiaaaaaaaaaaaans…

[Audience applauds as a loud splash is heard. The women high-five each other and return to the crowd. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

An NBC Special Report

President George W. Bush…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on “NBC Special Report” graphic ]

Announcer: This is an NBC Special Report.

[ dissolve to SNL graphic ]

“Saturday Night Live”, normally seen at this time, will be delayed so that we may bring you this special address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to Presidential seal ]

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush seated in Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening. [ audience cheers excitedly ] As you are probably aware, last Tuesday, I flew to Southeast Asia, for a meeting of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation forum, a group comprised of nearly all the economic powers in that region, including, among others, China, Japan, South Korea, Indonesia, Singapore, Vietnam, and Australia. I had planned to return to Washington later this week, but decided to cut my trip short, in order to share with you two developments of major significance to all Americans.

First, I’m pleased to report that this meeting has led to dramatic progress towards the resolution of a variety of contentious issues, in such areas as trade, environmental protection, and national security.

Second, and this, I truly regret to say, we are now at war with vietnam. [ audience laughs ] The former was the end result of more than two years of painstaking negotiations among our partners in the region. THe lattter.. was just.. I don’t know, something that just sort of came up this afternoon! [ laughs ] And, to be honest, I think it might have been my fault! I do, I really do! The last thing I wanted from this trip was to get us involved another war in Vietnam! In fact, during the entire day-and-a-half I was in Hanoi, I kept saying to myself: “Do not get us into another war in Vietnam, do NOT get us into another war in Vietnam!” And, sure enough, look what happens! [ laughs ] Everything I was trying to avoid! [ laughs, shrugs ] I should have seen that coming!

Anyway, that’s all water under the bridge. To try to figure out exactly how we came to be at war again in Vietnam is pointless. The fact is, we’re at war. And there’s nothing we can do about it now. Of course, on the plus side, this will definitely lead to a withdrawal of troops from Iraq. [ audience cheers ] I mean, I think it would. Because, without a doubt, we’re gonna need every available soldier for vietnam. and then some. On the other hand, this war is gonna be long and difficult. For one thing, unlike the first Vietnam war, this time, we’ll be fighting both North and South Vietnam. Second, I plan to do this while actually cutting taxes. Which is probably impossible, but I at least want to try it. Third, and let’s be honest, we are seriously overextended. [ chuckles ] We are. Fourth, and most important, I have absolutely no strategy for how to fight and win this war! None, whatsoever. And, truth be told, I don’t know when I’m gonna have time to work on one! I mean, I don’t! For now, we have no alternative, but just see this thing through. “Cut and run” is not an option. We must stay the course.. otherwise.. this could be another vietnam.

Thank you, and “Live, from New York, it is Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

The Blizzard Man

Woman…..Maya Rudolph
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Ludacris
Engineer…..Kenan Thompson
Blizzard Man…..Andy Samberg

[FADE IN on the exterior of Superhits Studios. FADE inside to the recording studio, where Ludacris and two others stand behind the engineer.]

Woman: Luda? Uh, the album is hot, but I still feel like we’re missing that club-banger to kick things off with.

Man: Yeah, we’re feeling track 5, but we still think it needs a stronger hook.

Woman: Yeah.

Ludacris: You know what, I agree, but not to worry. I made some calls, and I got just the man for the job.

Woman: Oh, really, who’d you get?

Ludacris: Well, it’s this crazy R&B cat that I know, man, he calls himself: the Blizzard Man.

Engineer: Oh, the Blizzard Man!

Ludacris: Oh, yeah.

Engineer: I thought he was just a made-up legend, like the Loch Ness Monster.

Ludacris: Oh, no, man, he’s real. I heard him at this underground club, and when I tell you he’s amazin’, I mean, he is amazing. I told him to come by today to lay somethin’ down.

Man: Wow. Sounds great.

Ludacris: Oh, yeah.

[door buzzer goes off]

Ludacris: See? That must be him right there. Hold on.

[He walks to the door and opens it up.]

Ludacris: Blizz! Ha-ha!

[Enter Blizzard Man, a white guy with blow-dry hair in a black and tan jacket. They exchange a hip-hop handshake.]

Ludacris: What’s goin’ on, brother?

Blizzard Man: How are ya?

Ludacris: All right, everybody, this is Blizzard Man.

Woman: [politely] Hi, there.

Ludacris: That’s right, you ready to do this, man?

Blizzard Man: [softly] Yeah, most definitely.

Ludacris: Let’s get it done! C’mon.

[Ludacris ushers Blizzard Man into the recording booth. The others look at each other quizzically.]

Engineer: Wow! So that’s him, huh?

Ludacris: Yeah. I know what you’re thinkin’… but I gotta tell y’all, I do not judge a book by its cover, my man can blow, he’s like the next Nate Dog. Straight up.

Man: [chuckles] Now you’re talkin’ my language, Luda!

: Exactly.

[laughter]

Ludacris: [bends over toward microphone] All right, Blizz, now check this out, man. We gonna just let the beat ride, and you see what you feel. Now, you do whatever you wanna do, all right?

Blizzard Man: All right, cool, cool.

[A hip-hop track starts playing as Blizzard Man cups his hands over his headphones and starts rocking to the beat.]

Blizzard Man: Yeah. Yo, yo, yo, I’m ’bout to set it, yo. [to engineer] Turn on the headphones?

[Grudgingly, the engineer turns them on.]

Blizzard Man: C’mon. Check my style out.

[As the beat keeps going, Blizzard Man launches full-tilt into his rap, off-key and out of sync.]

Blizzard Man: Rap song, rap song,
We do our raps and then the crowd goes wild!
And then it’s time for the “after” party,
And we hang out and do lots of sex with girls! Yo.

[The engineer cuts the track off and stares straight ahead in consternation.]

Ludacris: [in approval] Hear. That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout, man.

[cheers and applause]

Ludacris: Hell, yeah. Hear.

[laughter]

Engineer: Man, what was that?!

Ludacris: I know, right, my man, he’s a straight genius, right off the bat! That’s like one take, dog.

Engineer: No, no.

Ludacris: One take!

Engineer: No, no. That was terrible!

Woman: Yeah. That was absolutely horrible.

Man: That was really bad.

Ludacris: What’re y’all talkin about, that was off the chain, man, single material right there. Y’know what I’m sayin’? But anyway, my man’s just gettin’ warmed up. Trust me, check this out, you will believe in just a minute. [into microphone] Hey! Yo, Blizz, let’s do it again, baby!

Blizzard Man: All right.

Ludacris: All right.

[track resumes]

Blizzard Man: Yo. Here we go.
History in the making!
Blizzard Man.
Ludacris.
Check my style out.
Doin’ raps and goin’ to parties,
That’s basically what we’re all about!
We’re super-famous, so the ladies let us hump them,
And also we drink expensive champagne!
Yo, where’s my money at?

[cheers and applause]

Ludacris: WHOOO!! Whooo, hoo-hoo! Hear! That’s what I’m doin’, man. Hear!

Engineer: [pounds fist] NO!

Ludacris: What’re you doing, man? Why’d you cut the music off? He was just killin’ there!

Woman: Are you serious?

Man: Yeah. He sounds like my grandfather.

Ludacris: Well, then your… [laughter] Your grandfather must have been Marvin Gaye mixed with a little Stevie Wonder, ’cause my man is changing the straight game, man! Look at him!

[CUT to Blizzard Man gazing slack-jawed into space for several seconds.]

Ludacris: You just gotta let him get loose, man. Watch: I’m gonna do it one more time, and trust me, you will see a hit. Watch this right here. [into microphone] Blizz? One more time. Just let it flow, all right?

Blizzard Man: All right.

Ludacris: Come on, Blizzy B.

[track resumes]

Blizzard Man: Yo. Off the tone.
Put your tape decks on “Record”!
Ludacris.
Blizzard Man.
Nineteen ninety-five.

[CUT to the others outside the booth.]

Woman: 1995?

Blizzard Man: Yo, then it happened.
Another club-banger!
Check my style out.

[pause]

Blizzard Man: We rap all the time.
Oh, we are so good at rapping!
Who wants to mess with us?
You’ll totally get shot with a gun!

[CUT to the engineer and producers listening more intently.]

Blizzard Man: Don’t you be a jerk.
It’s bad for the party, and the ladies get scared!
Here, you smoke this doobie!
Let’s all cool out and get in the hot tub!

[CUT to Ludacris busting a move and pumping his fist in time to the beat.]

Blizzard Man: What a fancy shindig,
There are some real bodacious babes!
They see our soggy trunks!
And they shake their boobies, and my thingie gets excited!
Boo-boo-boodily boo-boo-boo,
Doodily-doop-de-doop-de-doo doo…

[CUT to the others while Blizzard Man keeps scatting.]

Ludacris: WHOOOOOOO!!

Man: You know what? This actually might work.

Woman: Yeah.

Ludacris: Aha! I told ya, that’s what I’m talking about, I said sign him, right? I said sign him. High-five.

Woman: High-five!

[They all slap hands.]

Ludacris: That’s what I’m talking about. Yo! Yeah, baby! Hear!

[FADE to a “Billboard” chart which reads, “LEAST BOUGHT ALBUMS.” Coming in at #1 is “Ludacris F/The Blizzard Man,” with “Rap Song.” Other entries include “Miracle ‘Gro” with “Slacks ‘n’ Pants,” “Joe and Margie” with “Fart Parade,” and “Bing Bong Brothers” with “Wait (You Guys).” HOLD on the chart for several seconds, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Booty Bidness

…..Ludacris

[ open on Ludacris dressed in a fancy business suit, standing in front of a sign that reads “Booty Bidness” ]

Ludacris: Hi. This is your man Luda. Some of y’all know me as an MC – some of y’all know me as an actor. But, first and foremost, I’m what they call a “bidness man.” And I been thinkin’ a lot about the state of women’s apparel lately.

[ cut to images of a group of women dancing in a club, all of them wearing shirts with ludicrous messages like “Diva”, “Flirt”, and “Naughty Girl” written across the front ]

Ludacris V/O: I see you ladies out in da club, lookin’ fine, expressin’ yourself with your sexy t-shirts on.

[ cut back to Ludacris ]

Ludacris V/O: But when you in the office, you gotta keep it under wraps. Well, not any more! That’s why I created Booty Bidness Workwear.

[ cut to businesswoman walking through the office, flanked by male co-workers ]

Ludacris V/O: For women who demand attention all day long.

[ she turns corner to reveal that her business suit has “Nympho” written across the front ]

Ludacris V/O: Booty Bidness Workwear is for the woman who knows that being the boss doesn’t mean you gotta stop being fine!

[ show second businesswoman giving a presentation while wearing a t-shirt with “Porn Star” written across the front ]

Ludacris V/O: As a working lady, you know it’s hard to stand out.

[ show third businesswoman rubbing a male co-worker’s shoulder. Her business suit reads “Bi-Curious.” She turns to adjust a female oc-worker’s collar, then makes her exit. ]

Ludacris V/O: So make them sit up and take notice, and get the right kind of attention.

[ cut back to Ludacris ]

Ludacris: You have extra gifts – why not remind people of that?

[ show close-up of women wearing dress shirt with “They’re Real” written across the front ]

Ludacris V/O: Empower yourself!

[ cut to businesswoman sitting on tabletop, revealing “Tasty” printed across the bottom of her skirt ]

Ludacris V/O: Be strong!

[ show two businesswomen on cell phones running into each other in an outdoor crowd; both have messages printed on their business suits ]

Ludacris V/O: Independent!

[ cut back to Ludacris ]

Ludacris: Be naaaasty! Booty Bidness Workwear. For when you want to work.. your bidness! [ stares into the camera ]

Announcer: Available at JCPenney.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts