SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 6


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 18th, 2006

Ludacris

Ludacris

None

Mary J. Blige
An NBC Special ReportSummary: “Saturday Night Live” will be delayed tonight, so that NBC can present a special message from President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis), who announces to America that he accidentally started up another war during his visit to Vietnam this past week.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Transcript

MontageNote: Don Pardo creates his own unique pronunciation for Ludacris’ name.

Ludacris’ MonologueSummary: Ludacris differentiates the times he identifies himself as Ludacris versus using his real name, until he’s interrupted by childhood friend Rick “Rickdiculous” Barnes (Kenan Thompson).

First Performed: 04j.

Transcript

Young Douglas: Hypin’ the ClassicsSummary: Rapper Young Douglas (Ludacris) provides backing tracks on classic hits by Harry Connick, Jr. (Jason Sudeikis) and other contemporary artists.

Recurring Characters: Harry Connick, Jr., Barbra Streisand, Dolly Parton, Louis Armstrong.

Transcript

Dr. Archibald BitchslapSummary: Samantha Hawkins (Maya Rudolph) and Dr. Archibald Bitchslap (Ludacris) show troubled couples how to save their marriage.

Transcript

The O’Reilly FactorSummary: Bill O’Reilly (Darrell Hammond) plans to boycott Def Jam Records for signing Ludacris to their label.

Recurring Characters: Bill O’Reilly.

Booty BidnessSummary: Ludacris promotes a new line of club clothing that businesswomen can wear at the office.

Transcript

The Blizzard ManSummary: In order to boost a track on his album, Ludacris hires white-boy rapper Blizzard Man (Andy Samberg) to work his magic at the recording studio.

Transcript

Ludacris performs “Shake Your Moneymaker”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: John Mark Karr (Bill Hader) takes offense to O.J. Simpson’s book because he’s the real killer. Bobby Knight (Jason Sudeikis) yells at Seth Meyers for making an obvious Spider-Man joke. Teen magazine editor Anoosa Rosenfeld (Maya Rudolph) applauds anorexia and eats her lip gloss.

Recurring Characters: John Mark Karr, Bobby Knight.

Note: Maya Rudolph’s “Anoosa Rosenfeld” character is based on Seventeen Magazine’s editor-in-chief, Atoosa Rubenstein.

Transcript

PoolwatchSummary: Pimped-out lifeguard (Ludacris) must carefully remove his bling and expensive designer clothing before he feels comfortable diving in the pool to rescue a woman from drowning.

Hair TransplantSummary: Shady hair transplant practictioner, Dr. Schultz (Ludacris), tries to make a quick exit from his medical trailer after releasing a patient (Will Forte) who has the Elton John-style hair that he envies.

Lesbian Cruise ShipSummary: Captain Ronald Huggins (Ludacris) is sure that steering a ship filled with vacationing lesbians will play out the same way it does in his porn video collection.

Transcript

Ludacris with Mary J. Blige performs “Runaway”Mary J. Blige First Performed: 92o.

Lyrics

Old FriendsSummary: Two old friends (Ludacris, Darrell Hammond) sit at the lunch counter and complain about how hectic today’s modern conveniences make their lives.

Note: Darrell Hammond’s fake moustache comes loose, prompting an ad-lib from Ludacris.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

TurkeysSummary: A group of turkeys (Ludacris, Andy Samberg, Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph, Jason Sudeikis) outrun bullets before Thanksgiving.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg stars in a series of movie trailers.

Hip Hop Hoodunit

Country ThanksgivingSummary: A new CD of country holiday hits.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Valtrex

Husband…..Alec Baldwin
Wife…..Amy Poehler

[ open on married couple sitting together on the couch in their living room ]

Wife: When my gynecologist told me I had genital herpes, I was confused. We’d been married for over twelve years, and had always tested negative for STDs.

Husband: But then I read about a recent scientific study. It said some forms of genital herpes remain dormant in women for ten or fifteen years – but, oftentimes, the virus went undetected in tests.

Wife: That would explain a lot. It made little sense to me that two married people without any history of genital herpes, could then suddenly be infected.

Husband: But then I explained it, that that was the end of it, and there was no need to talk about it any more. [ smiles ]

Wife: Our doctor told us about Valtrex, which lowers the chance of passing the virus during sex. At first, I didn’t think it mattered, because we both already had the virus and neither one of us was planning to go outside the marriage for sex.

Husband: So true! Here’s where you really just need to trust your doctor, and to not get all “caught up” in the logic. Even if you don’t have multiple partners —

Wife: Like us!

Husband: — it’s a good idea to use Valtrex.

Wife: Because..?

Husband: Because it’s important. That’s why. [ wraps his arm around her ] There’s really no need to overthink it. Is there?

Wife: [ smiles confusedly ]

[ cut to overhead shot of product superimposed over scene of husband and wife in their living room ]

Announcer: Ask your husband if you need Valtrex. He may know more than your doctor. Doctors don’t know everything.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

The Tony Bennett Show

Tony Bennett…..Alec Baldwin
Kevin Federline…..Andy Samberg
Anthony Benedetto…..Tony Bennett

[ open on show logo over show set ]

Announcer: It’s “The Tony Bennett Show!”

[ logo fades ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Tony Bennett!

[ Tony Bennett runs onto the stage with a microphone as the audience applauds his arrival ]

Tony Bennett: Hello, everybody, hello! You know, I’ve sung for kings and queens, and one thing’s for sure – I love things that are great!

[ singing ]
“I love things that are great
Good things are fantastic.
Guess what, we’ve got a date
Just a tlak show, nothing drastic.
But one thing’s for sure
I love things that are greeeeeeeeat!
Yeah!”

[ the audience cheers ]

Tony Bennett: Thank you so much, everybody! We’ve got a real blue-ribbon kind of a show today – some great, great, great, great stuff. Later on, we’re gonna hear a couple of terrific numbers from Puddle of Mudd!! One of the great rock bands out there today. But, first up, I’d like you to meet a terrific guy. This guy’s new on the rap scene, and he’s here to fill us in. Please welcome – Kevin Federline!

[ the audience cheers, as a smug Kevin Federline joins Tony on the set ]

Tony Bennett: Welcome, Kevin. So, how you doing?

Kevin Federline: Oh, you know – I’m doing the dew, you know – makin’ sure what stays in Vegas!

Tony Bennett: Yeah. [ smiles ] But, Kevin – you have no education, no discernable skills, you have a skimpy beard growth. and, yet, you landed yourself a twenty-five year-old millionaire sexpot. Now, let me ask you a question: How’d you screw that up?! Why?

[ Kevin attempts to speak, but is too dumbstruck to respond ]

Tony Bennett: [ now finished with the interview ] Kevin Federline, everybody! Thanks so very much!

[ the music plays Kevin off the stage – actually, a guard pulls him off the stage ]

Tony Bennett: Yeah! One of the great, great, great, great, young dee-vor-cees out there today. [ a beat ] We were supposed to have a very special guest today – Mr. Bob Dylan. But it turns out there was ONE heckuva mix-up with the car service that was picking him up. According to this, uh, manifest I have here in my pocket — [ retrieves piece of paper from his jacket pocket ] they were supposed to pick up Bob Dylan on the Upper East side, but, instead, they picked up a Mr. Robert Dillon on 96th and RIVERSIDE!! Don’t get me wrong – he’s a nice fellow, works in the locksmith trade – but he’s not the LEGEND we ordered up! I found a lasy-minute fill-in – though – this – this cat is – he’s a trip, man. This entertainer and impressionist has been shadowing my gigs for many, many years. He’ll be opening for LANCE BURTON, Thanksgiving weekend at MOHICAN SUN!! Please welcome a great, great guy, from Astoria, Queens – Mr. Anthony Benedetto!!

[ the audience erupts into extended applause as the real Tony Bennett (using his birth name) joins Tony Bennett onstage ]

Tony Bennett: [ as they sit on the couch ] Anthony — [ the audience resumes cheering as Alec and Tony stare and smile at one another, both men enjoying the enthusiasm from the audience ] Anthony, you look great. How you doing?

Anthony Benedetto: [ with a flourish of his hand ] Oh, I’m doing just great, I’m doing just great! [ the audience laughs ] You know, you’re a real PRINCE letting me on this show!

Tony Bennett: [ points his thumb at Anthony as he looks out at the audience ] This guy can wear the heck out of a suit, don’t you know!

Anthony Benedetto: You’re no slouch, either.

Tony Bennett: These are my fancy duds – I wore them for Bob Dylan. But I’m just as happy you dig ’em, too!

Anthony Benedetto: Good! They’re great, they’re really great — [ stumbling on his words ] that is great – great – great threads! Great threads!

Tony Bennett: I just want you all to know what a class act —

Anthony Benedetto: You got a great nose job.

Tony Bennett: Oh. Thank you very much! [ the audience cheers ] I apreciate that – I do!

Anthony Benedetto: [ laughs ]

Tony Bennett: Back in the late 70’s, I caught his show in Atlantic City, and I was surprised to find out he was copying my act, WORD FOR WORD! And song for song.

Anthony Benedetto: It was more of a tribute to you!

Tony Bennett: Anyway, I enjoyed the heck out of his performance, and then I sued to BEJEESUS out of him and sued him for everything he had! But he was such a first-rate human being, that we were able to bury the hatchet and.. MAKE LEMONS OUT OF — MAKE LEMONADE OUT OF LEMONS!! So – tell them what you did, Anthony.

Anthony Benedetto: I stayed in bed for two months.

Tony Bennett: No – after that.

Anthony Benedetto: Well, I slept in Grand Central Station.

Tony Bennett: No – way after that!

Anthony Benedetto: I retooled my act so it was more of a comedy parody – you know, Tony – you know, it – it’s 100% legal.

Tony Bennett: This guy does a send-up of my stuff that will.. HUFF AND PUFF, and BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN! Tell them who your stage name is! [ to the audience ] This is a doozy, folks!

Anthony Benedetto: My name is Phony Bennett!

[ the audience laughs along with Tony ]

Tony Bennett: Tell the folks some of those nuggets that you’re singing right now.

Anthony Benedetto: Oh, uh – let’s see: “Don’t Get Around Much Any More” – uh, uh, you know – “Someone Stole My Car.”

Tony Bennett: Great, great stuff!

Anthony Benedetto: “You Can’t Take That Away From Me – It’s Under Three Ounces.”

Tony Bennett: Priceless!

Anthony Benedetto: My biggest hit: “I Left My Heart in San Clan’s Disco.”

Tony Bennett: Oh! That water’s two halves of a hoot! Isn’t it crazy? We look alike, we sound alike, we even dress alike. I usually get my suits at Prioni – how about you, Anthony?

Anthony Benedetto: Men’s Wearhouse.

Tony Bennett: Anthony, hold that thought about Men’s Wearhouse, I gotta mention our sponsors – Lamicil tablets for nail fungus. [ pulls out product ] Hey, Anthony – hold that for me, would ya’? Right there? [ hands product to Anthony and looks past him to face the camera ] Thanks – you’re a pal! [ about to start his spiel, but Tony turns to look at the camera for a few beats; the audience laughs and cheers ] You know – nail fungus is no parade down Main Street. I once dated a lady who was 99% gorgeous, then I took her shoe-shopping. Her toenails looked like a lined-up row of BARBEQUED FRITOS!! There isn’t a pair of clippers out there that can tame those poker chips! Lamicil says, “Hey, nail fungus: don’t let the door hit ya’ where the Good Lord split ya’!” [ puts the product away and continues the interview ] Okay, Anthony! Where was I? Let’s talk about our plans for the holidays! I’m gonna be doing a midnight mass/concert outside the Vatican with PAVAROTTI and U2!! What are you cookin’?

Anthony Benedetto: I’m gonna have some, uh, Budweiser at my friend’s house – Ed’s house.

Tony Bennett: Oh! Parallel lives, I’m tellin’ ya’! I’m glad you could be here, it’s been a great, great, great, great week all about, what with the elections and the huge voter turnout – this is such a great country. What do you say, I think we OWE our fellow Americans a song. How do you feel about it?

Anthony Benedetto: That’s a GREAT idea!

Tony Bennett: Let’s go, you!

[ Tony grabs his microphone and stands, as Anthony is handed a microphone by an unseen stagehand; the audience cheers them on ]

Together: [ singing ]
“Oh beautiful, for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!”

[ Tony addresses the audience, as Anthony continues singing ]

Tony Bennett: I’d love to thank my guest – Bob Dylan, catch you on the flipity-jip! Robert Dillon – sorry, times ten! Raincheck on Puddle of Mudd! Lamicil tablets for nail fungus! Kevin Federline – watch where you drop your worm! And, Anthony Benedetto – maybe you can open up for me some time!

Anthony Benedetto: [ excited ] Really?!

Tony Bennett: Don’t hold your breath! Join me tomorrow, when I’ll be stuffing a turkey with Kim Zimmer of “The Guiding Light”!

[ Tony and Anthony hug, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

A Message from the Speaker-Elect of the U.S. House of Representatives

Rep. Nancy Pelosi…..Kristin Wiig
Dana…..Will Forte
“Filth”…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Seal of the speaker ]

Announcer: The following is a message from the Speaker-Elect of the U.S. House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi.

[ dissolve to Nancy Pelosi sitting stern and proper at the desk in her office ]

[ the audience applauds enthusiastically ]

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Good evening. I’m Nancy Pelosi. For the past nineteen years, I’ve been a member of Congress in the eighth District of California, proudly representing the citizens of San Francisco. AS of this January, hwever, I will, in a sense, represent all Americans, when I am sworn in as speaker of the House.

[ the audience cheers ]

Despite the efforts of this administration to frighten Americans about the Democratic Party, and its alleged [ makes quotes signs with her finger ] “San Francisco values”, last Tuesday you went to the polls in record numbers, and you sent this White house a message: that “stay the course in Iraq” is not a plan; that our health care system should serve ordinary citizens, not pharmaceutical companies; that so-called rough sex can be a necessary and fulfilling adjunct to a better sex life – partiularly when it involves fantasy role-play scenarios, such as kidnapping or forced interrogation, provided, of course, that both participants are willing and disease-free, and have agreed on what we call a “safe word” – for example: “Palomino”; that an increase in minimum wage is long overdue; and, finally, that U.S. citizens do not surrender their Constitutional rights, the moment they engage in multiple partner or group sex, provided, once again, that all participants are willing, at least twelve years of age, and no peanuts, or peanut products, are used.

We Americans have always been a religious people, a member of my staff tells me. And whatever you may have heard, the Democratic Party is not anti-religion. Whether you’re a Wiccan priestess, a Druid, tantric Buddhist, Servant of Moloch, Lord of Fire, Presbyterian, or a member of the Cult of Collie – your faith will be respected, so long as no animals are harmed during your ceremonies – except, of course, gerbils.

And when the new Democratic majority Congress convenes in January, it will truly be a Congress as diverse as the nation it serves. [ show photo of each individual as she names them ] Chairing the Judiciary Committee: John Conyers; at Ways and Means: Charles Rangel; at Homeland Secueity: Benny Thompson; at Government Reform: Ernesto Guevara, Jr.; and Agriculture: this naked hippie.. and his old lady; and Small Business: yet another black dude; and Finance: the drummer from Rage Against the Machine; and, at Intelligence: al-Qaeda number-two man, Ayman al-Zawahiri. Truly, a Congress that looks like America.

[ Nancy nervously looks offscreen, as a leather-clad S&M enthusiast enters ]

What is it?

Dana: Nancy, uh, you need to okay this. [ hands her a memo ]

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: [ to the audience ] Excuse me. [ turns to her aide ] Uh, Dana – I’m kind of in the middle of something.

Dana: I’ll come back.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: And, Dana, about your outfit – it’s alright now, but, as of Jauary, you might have to go with mroe of a business look for the office.

Dana: [ slightly embarrassed ] Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: No, no – it’s fine for now, but, you know, but after the transition —

Dana: Sure. No problem.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: [ glances offscreen ] Who’s your friend?

Dana: Oh, uh, this is my slave – his name is “Filth” —

[ an S&M bondage slave, with a chokehold covering his mouth, enters the scene ]

He’s, uh, a human ash tray.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Dana, this office is non-smoking.

Dana: Just pot.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Oh. Okay! [ extends her hand to “Filth” ] How do you do?

“Filth”: [ muffled ] It’s a real honor to meet you, Congresswoman. Congratulations on becoming House Speaker, that’s so great!

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Thank you, I appreciate that.

“Filth”: [ muffled ] You are great.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Thank you.

“Filth”: [ muffled ] You are great.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Dana, I’d better get back to this. [ points to the camera ]

Dana: Oh! Absolutely. Sure. [ drags “Filth” offscreen with him ]

[ Nancy returns her attention to the camera ]

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: With your votes last Tuesday, you have offered us your trust. I promise you, we will not betray it.

[ buzzsaw sound effects suddenly blare from offscreen, as Nancy holds a nervous pose in front of the camera ]

Dana’s Voice: Palomino! Palomino!

Rep. Nancy Pelosi: [ glances offscreen ] Palomino! [ to the camera ] Excuse me, I-I have to take care of something — [ rushes offscreen ] Palomino! He’s not breathing! [ runs back onto camera, with a panicked expression on her face ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” [ ducks back offscreen ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Saddam’s Defense Team

Saddam Hussein….Alec Baldwin
Lawyer 1….Bill Hader
Lawyer 2….Fred Armisen

[Opens with an outside shot of a jail]

Caption: Baghdad, Iraq. US Controlled Green Zone.

[Cut to inside a cell. Desk, 2 nervous lawyers behindit shuffling papers]

Lawyer 1: How do you think that Saddam’s mood will be?

Lawyer 2: He just got sentenced to death. How do youthink his mood will be?

Lawyer 1: Oh, boy.

[2 guards escort Saddam into the cell with hislawyers. Saddam sits in front of them.]

Saddam Hussein: First of all. Great job, you guys!You’re definitely gonna win lawyer of the year.

Lawyer 1:[nervous]Don’t worry, there are grounds for an appeal.

Saddam Hussein: When we appeal would it be possible toget one witness who have something nice to say aboutme?![slams hand on desk]I feel like a contestant onAmerican Idol and all the witnesses are Simon.

Lawyer 2: It’s very difficult to build a defense for you, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Really difficult, huh? Let me see if Ican do it. Here is one off the top of my dome. I have50 look-alikes. 50 guys that look just like me! Youcouldn’t put one on the scene, not one? Because that,you idiots, is reasonable doubt. Am I the only onehere that watches “Law and Order”? Boy, oh boy! IfO.J. had you two for a lawyer he wouldn’t be makinghis tee-off time right now. I can assure you of this.

Lawyer 1: I-I’m sorry, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Aaaahh, it’s not your fault, totally.I should’ve kept my cool in the courtroom. I mean, Iwas in there for like 200 days and I got expelled like160 times. I was getting kicked out of there more thanVinnie Barbarino got kicked out of Mr. Kotter’s class!

Lawyer 2:[confused]Mr. Kotter?

Lawyer 1:[humors Saddam, laughs]Kotter.

Saddam Hussein: Seriously, they are not gonna hang me,are they? I’m like the Sunni Abraham Lincoln. Thatwould start a 200 year blood feud.

Lawyer 1:[serious]They are really gonna hang you.

Lawyer 2: I do have some good news, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: They caught Osama! Please tell me they caught Osama.

Lawyer 2: They did not catch Osama.

Saddam Hussein: Oh, that is the burn of the century.Although, you gotta hand it to the guy, he hid in acountry filled with mountains and caves and me I hidin a me-sized hole. Point Osama.

Lawyer 2: I was going to say that Bush and therepublicans lost in the mid-term elections. So there we go…

Saddam Hussein: Oh, thank you. That will be a comforting thought when the rope snaps my neck and I soil myself.

Lawyer 2: I’m sorry, Saddam. I thought it will make you happy.

Saddam Hussein: I’m not even front page news anymore.”Borat” is getting more ink than me. He didn’t even kill anybody!!

Lawyer 1: We should start on your defense in the Kurds poison gas case.

Saddam Hussein: Hey, I was going to keep this on thedown low but spoiler alert, I did it!!!

Lawyer 1:[tentatively]He did kind of looked like you.

Lawyer 2:[agrees]Yes.

Saddam Hussein: Oh, man. I am old and tired and sad.Let’s talk about the Kurds next week.

Lawyer 2: Okay.

Saddam Hussein: And guys,[slams hand on desk, getsup]I don’t blame you. I put myself here. Although youshould know that I was a little ticked off after theverdict so I made some calls and if I were you Iwouldn’t start your cars for like a year.

[Lawyers have forced, nervous laughs. Saddam leaves,opens the jail gate, closes it and opens it again]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Tony Bennett & Christina Aguilera perform “Steppin’ Out With My Baby”

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Tony Bennett
…..Christina Aguilera

Alec Baldwin: Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Bennett and Christina Aguilera!

Tony Bennett and Christina Aguilera: (singing)
“Steppin’ out with my baby
Can’t go wrong ‘cause I’m in right
It’s for sure, not for maybe
That I’m all dressed up tonight.

Steppin’ out with my honey
Can’t be bad to feel so good
Never felt quite so sunny
And I keep knockin’ on wood.

There’ll be smooth sailin’ ‘cause I’m trimming my sails
In my top hat and my white tie and my tails.

Steppin’ out with my baby
Can’t go wrong ‘cause I’m in right
Ask me when will the day be
The big day may be tonight.”

(applause as we FADE OUT to bumper and commercial)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera performs “Hurt”

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Christina Aguilera

Alec Baldwin: Once again, Christina Aguilera.

Christina Aguilera: (singing)
“Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today.

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you’ve done
Forgive all your mistakes
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won’t be there.

I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won’t admit
Sometimes I just want to hide ’cause it’s you I miss
You know it’s so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this.

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back.

I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I’ve missed you since you’ve been away.

Oh, it’s dangerous
It’s so out of line to try to turn back time.

I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself

By hurting you.”

(applause as we FADE OUT to bumper and commercial)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera performs “Ain’t No Other Man”

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Christina Aguilera

Alec Baldwin: Ladies and gentleman, Christina Aguilera.

Christina Aguilera: (singing)
“I could feel it from the start,
Couldn’t stand to be apart.
Something ’bout you caught my eye,
Something moved me deep inside!
I don’t know what you did boy but you had it
And I’ve been hooked ever since.
I told my mother, my brother, my sister and my friends
I told the others, my lovers, both past and present tense.
That everytime I see you everything starts making sense.

Do your thang honey!

Ain’t no other man, can stand up next to you
Ain’t no other man on the planet does what you do
(What you do).
You’re the kinda guy, a girl finds in a blue moon.
You got soul, you got class.
You got style, you bad ass – oh yeah!
Ain’t no other man its true – alright –
Ain’t no other man but you.

Never thought I’d be alright. No, no, no! Till you came and changed my life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
What was cloudy now is clear! Yeah, yeah! You’re the light that I needed.
You got what I want boy, and I want it! So keep on givin’ it up!

Tell your mother, your brother, your sister, and your friends.
And the others, your lovers, better not be present tense.
Cause I want everyone to know that you are mine and no one else’s!

Ain’t no other man, can stand up next to you
Ain’t no other man on the planet does what you do
(What you do).
You’re the kinda guy, a girl finds in a blue moon.
You got soul, you got class.
You got style, you bad ass – oh yeah!
Ain’t no other man it’s true – alright –
Ain’t no other man but you.

Break it down now!

Ain’t no other, ain’t, ain’t no other! (other)
Ain’t no other, ain’t, ain’t no other LOVER!
Ain’t no other, I, I, I need no other!
Ain’t no other man but you!

Ohhhh!

You are there when I’m a mess
Talk me down from every ledge
Give me strength, boy you’re the best
You’re the only one who’s ever passed every test.

Ain’t no other man, can stand up next to you
Ain’t no other man on the planet does what you do
(what you do).
You’re the kinda guy, a girl finds in a blue moon.
You got soul, you got class.
You got style with ya bad ass – oh yeah!
Ain’t no other man it’s true – alright –
Ain’t no other man but you.

And now I’m tellin’ you son, ain’t no other man but you

Ain’t no other man, can stand up next to you
Ain’t no other man on the planet does what you do
(what you do).
You’re the kinda guy, a girl finds in a blue moon. (baby, baby, baby)
You got soul, you got class.
You got style ya bad ass – oh yeah!
Ain’t no other man it’s true – alright –
Ain’t no other man but you.”

(applause as we FADE OUT to bumper and commercial)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Platinum Lounge

…..Maya Rudolph
…..Alec Baldwin
Doorman…..Bill Hader
…..Steve Martin
Waiter…..Martin Short
……Paul McCartney

[ open on Alec Baldwin and Maya Rudolph entering an exclusive lounge ]

Maya Rudolph: You know, Alec, I’m not supposed to be in the Platinum Lounge – you have to have hosted twelve times.

Alec Baldwin: Oh, don’t worry about it. Tonight, you’re with me, and I always take good care of my friends.

Maya Rudolph: I know. I’m just nervous.

Doorman: Sorry, Mr. Baldwin – there’s no working cast allowed in the Platinum Lounge.

Alec Baldwin: I’m sorry, Maya – I did what I could.

[ Doorman shows Maya out, as Alec enters further into the lounge, past Steve Martin sitting at a table with a attractive blonde ]

Steve Martin: [ spots Alec ] Oh, Alec! Alec? [ audience cheers ] Hey, Alec! Alec, over here! [ Alec steps over, as Steve returns his focus to the blonde ] Uh – thank you, Mrs. Ferguson, for helping me review my financial hedge fund papers. [ she exits, as Steve turns to Alec ] Hey, how are you? Let me, uh – let me buy you a drink! Huh?

Alec Baldwin: Oh, I’d love one – thanks.

Steve Martin: [ looks offscreen ] Hey – two Scotches, please!

Alec Baldwin: So, Steve, uh – what are you doing here?

Steve Martin: Are you kidding? I’m here to see you, man! [ Alec chuckles ] That’s great, you’re hosting, it’s fantastic —

[ a beaming Martin Short arrives at the table to deliver the two Scotches – the audience cheers as Alec and Steve look on with great surprise before Martin Short exits ]

Steve Martin: That’s sad. [ the audience laughs ] Well – a toast, to you hosting the show yet again.

Alec Baldwin: And.. to me hosting as many times as you.

Steve Martin: [ holds his head back and laughs ] You’re tying my hosting record toni — You know, I didn’t know that! [ Alec chuckles ] Are you tying my hosting record? That’s so great! [ glances past Alec ] Oh, my God – look! There’s Paul Simon! That’s fantastic!

Alec Baldwin: [ places his drink on the table, turns his head ] Where?

Steve Martin: [ pours a packet of poison into Alec’s Scotch ] Oh, you know what? I was wrong. That’s a coat rack.

Alec Baldwin: Of course. Hey, by the way – what time is it right now?

Steve Martin: Oh. What time is it? I have it right here – it’s, uh — [ Steve turns his body to glance at his watch in better lighting, as the music stings and Alec causally switches the drinks ] right at midnight. [ returns to the table ] Well – shall we drink? [ grabs his glass ]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, fantastic.

Steve Martin: [ points past Alec ] Hey, you know what? Look over there – it’s Tom Hanks.

Alec Baldwin: [ turns his head ] Where?

Steve Martin: [ music sting, as he switches the glasses ] My mistake – that was Paul Simon. [ holds up his glass ] So – let’s have a little drink.

Alec Baldwin: Why not?

[ they clink their glasses and slowly move them towards their lips, eyeing one another suspiciously ]

Alec Baldwin: [ lowers his glass ] You know what? We should have a proper toast – with champagne!

Steve Martin: [ laughs nervously ] Oh, are you kidding? This is is perfect — the perfect drink! [ nudges Alec’s glass toward his lips ] Let’s just go, let’s go, let’s go!

Alec Baldwin: Ohhhh, nonsense! [ glances offscreen ] Two glasses of champagne, Waiter!

Steve Martin: Cham-pagne. [ twiddles nervously ] By the way, I loved you in “The Departed.”

Alec Baldwin: When did you see it?

Steve Martin: I haven’t.

[ Martin Short returns with the two glasses of champagne, as the audience cheers ]

Martin Short: Champagne! [ collects the two previous glasses and steps away ]

Steve Martin: Still sad.

Alec Baldwin: [ raises his glass ] Ah, here we go. Champagne!

Steve Martin: [ raises his glass ] Champagne! The champagne of beverages! [ chuckles ] Hey! You know what’s amazing?! [ points past Alec ] You can see my apartment from that window!

Alec Baldwin: Really? where?

Steve Martin: Yea-ah! Just go.. take a look!

[ violins screech as Alec turns to gaze out the window, and Steve pours extra poison into his glass; the poison causes Alec’s champagne to effervesce quickly and spill onto the table ]

Alec Baldwin: I don’t see it, Steve.

Steve Martin: You know what? I was wro– oh, wait! Yeah! You can see! I-I – I’m on the 27th floor, so just – you know – just – ah, count it up a little bit, just – yeah, that’s fine — [ Steve frantically attempts to sop up the overflowing champagne with a napkin as alec strains to look out the window ] Don’t worry about it!

Alec Baldwin: Okay. 1, 2 —

Steve Martin: Count from the bottom!

Alec Baldwin: — 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 — Hey, Steve, uh — [ turns around, as Steve quickly jumps in front of the table and arches his back to conceal the mess on the table ] Is there a 13th floor?

Steve Martin: No!

Alec Baldwin: Oh – okay. [ returns to the window and continues counting ] 12 — [ counts quickly, as Steve wipes the rest of the spilled champagne and hurls the wet napkin across the room ] 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 —

Steve Martin: Hey, you know what? I was wrong! I forgot – I live in L.A.!

Alec Baldwin: Oh.

Steve Martin: [ raises his glass ] So. Here we go.

Alec Baldwin: Hey, wait. [ glances past Steve ] Isn’t that John Goodman?

Steve Martin: [ with great annoyance ] NO.

[ Alec quickly punches Steve in the face and drops him to the floor ]

Alec Baldwin: Hey! [ kicks Steve repeatedly ] I.. was in.. Schweddy.. Balls!

[ the audience cheers this nostalgic recollection ]

Alec Baldwin: And I tied your record! Thirteen shows! So — [ mimicking Steve’s routine of yore ] excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse ME!!

[ Steve climbs to his feet and spits out a tooth ]

Steve Martin: Wait a minute – did you say you hosted thirteen times? I hosted fourteen times.

Alec Baldwin: [ flabbergasted ] Fourteen? Wait – let’s see: [ recounts Steve’s hostings out loud ] October 23rd, 1976, February 26th, 1977, September 24th, 1977, three times in 1978 — [ tallies up the rest in his head ] Oh, my God, you’re right! Wow! Fourteen times? I’m sorry about thiat, Steve!

Steve Martin: No, no – I apologize! I mean, I tried to kill you, and that’s so wrong today!

[ Martin Short re-enters, tugging Paul McCartney along with him ]

Martin Short: Mr. Baldwin, you’re wanted in the studio.

[ the audience screams and cheers the unexpected sight of Paul McCartney; even Alec wasn’t aware that McCartney would enter this sketch, and stares open-mouthed at the former Beatles/Wings frontman before covering his face; McCartney taps Alec’s shoulder as the audience cheering dies down ]

Steve Martin: It is – it is Paul Simon!

Martin Short: It’s close enough!

Alec Baldwin: I gotta run! Hey – [ to Steve ] Great to see you, Champ!

Steve Martin: You gotta run?

Alec Baldwin: [ shakes McCartney’s hand before he exits the Platinum Lounge ] You, too!

Martin Short: Okay, then! [ alone with Steve Martin and Paul McCartney ] Well! So, here we are!

Steve Martin: Again!

Paul McCartney: Yeah!

Martin Short: Just the three of us!

Steve Martin: Yeah. Though – can you get our car, so I can talk to Paul?

Martin Short: Absolutely!

[ they all exit the Platinum Lounge ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Platinum Lounge

…..Maya Rudolph
…..Alec Baldwin
Doorman…..Bill Hader
…..Steve Martin
Waiter…..Martin Short
……Paul McCartney

[ open on Alec Baldwin and Maya Rudolph entering an exclusive lounge ]

Maya Rudolph: You know, Alec, I’m not supposed to be in the Platinum Lounge – you have to have hosted twelve times.

Alec Baldwin: Oh, don’t worry about it. Tonight, you’re with me, and I always take good care of my friends.

Maya Rudolph: I know. I’m just nervous.

Doorman: Sorry, Mr. Baldwin – there’s no working cast allowed in the Platinum Lounge.

Alec Baldwin: I’m sorry, Maya – I did what I could.

[ Doorman shows Maya out, as Alec enters further into the lounge, past Steve Martin sitting at a table with a attractive blonde ]

Steve Martin: [ spots Alec ] Oh, Alec! Alec? [ audience cheers ] Hey, Alec! Alec, over here! [ Alec steps over, as Steve returns his focus to the blonde ] Uh – thank you, Mrs. Ferguson, for helping me review my financial hedge fund papers. [ she exits, as Steve turns to Alec ] Hey, how are you? Let me, uh – let me buy you a drink! Huh?

Alec Baldwin: Oh, I’d love one – thanks.

Steve Martin: [ looks offscreen ] Hey – two Scotches, please!

Alec Baldwin: So, Steve, uh – what are you doing here?

Steve Martin: Are you kidding? I’m here to see you, man! [ Alec chuckles ] That’s great, you’re hosting, it’s fantastic —

[ a beaming Martin Short arrives at the table to deliver the two Scotches – the audience cheers as Alec and Steve look on with great surprise before Martin Short exits ]

Steve Martin: That’s sad. [ the audience laughs ] Well – a toast, to you hosting the show yet again.

Alec Baldwin: And.. to me hosting as many times as you.

Steve Martin: [ holds his head back and laughs ] You’re tying my hosting record toni — You know, I didn’t know that! [ Alec chuckles ] Are you tying my hosting record? That’s so great! [ glances past Alec ] Oh, my God – look! There’s Paul Simon! That’s fantastic!

Alec Baldwin: [ places his drink on the table, turns his head ] Where?

Steve Martin: [ pours a packet of poison into Alec’s Scotch ] Oh, you know what? I was wrong. That’s a coat rack.

Alec Baldwin: Of course. Hey, by the way – what time is it right now?

Steve Martin: Oh. What time is it? I have it right here – it’s, uh — [ Steve turns his body to glance at his watch in better lighting, as the music stings and Alec causally switches the drinks ] right at midnight. [ returns to the table ] Well – shall we drink? [ grabs his glass ]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, fantastic.

Steve Martin: [ points past Alec ] Hey, you know what? Look over there – it’s Tom Hanks.

Alec Baldwin: [ turns his head ] Where?

Steve Martin: [ music sting, as he switches the glasses ] My mistake – that was Paul Simon. [ holds up his glass ] So – let’s have a little drink.

Alec Baldwin: Why not?

[ they clink their glasses and slowly move them towards their lips, eyeing one another suspiciously ]

Alec Baldwin: [ lowers his glass ] You know what? We should have a proper toast – with champagne!

Steve Martin: [ laughs nervously ] Oh, are you kidding? This is is perfect — the perfect drink! [ nudges Alec’s glass toward his lips ] Let’s just go, let’s go, let’s go!

Alec Baldwin: Ohhhh, nonsense! [ glances offscreen ] Two glasses of champagne, Waiter!

Steve Martin: Cham-pagne. [ twiddles nervously ] By the way, I loved you in “The Departed.”

Alec Baldwin: When did you see it?

Steve Martin: I haven’t.

[ Martin Short returns with the two glasses of champagne, as the audience cheers ]

Martin Short: Champagne! [ collects the two previous glasses and steps away ]

Steve Martin: Still sad.

Alec Baldwin: [ raises his glass ] Ah, here we go. Champagne!

Steve Martin: [ raises his glass ] Champagne! The champagne of beverages! [ chuckles ] Hey! You know what’s amazing?! [ points past Alec ] You can see my apartment from that window!

Alec Baldwin: Really? where?

Steve Martin: Yea-ah! Just go.. take a look!

[ violins screech as Alec turns to gaze out the window, and Steve pours extra poison into his glass; the poison causes Alec’s champagne to effervesce quickly and spill onto the table ]

Alec Baldwin: I don’t see it, Steve.

Steve Martin: You know what? I was wro– oh, wait! Yeah! You can see! I-I – I’m on the 27th floor, so just – you know – just – ah, count it up a little bit, just – yeah, that’s fine — [ Steve frantically attempts to sop up the overflowing champagne with a napkin as alec strains to look out the window ] Don’t worry about it!

Alec Baldwin: Okay. 1, 2 —

Steve Martin: Count from the bottom!

Alec Baldwin: — 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 — Hey, Steve, uh — [ turns around, as Steve quickly jumps in front of the table and arches his back to conceal the mess on the table ] Is there a 13th floor?

Steve Martin: No!

Alec Baldwin: Oh – okay. [ returns to the window and continues counting ] 12 — [ counts quickly, as Steve wipes the rest of the spilled champagne and hurls the wet napkin across the room ] 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 —

Steve Martin: Hey, you know what? I was wrong! I forgot – I live in L.A.!

Alec Baldwin: Oh.

Steve Martin: [ raises his glass ] So. Here we go.

Alec Baldwin: Hey, wait. [ glances past Steve ] Isn’t that John Goodman?

Steve Martin: [ with great annoyance ] NO.

[ Alec quickly punches Steve in the face and drops him to the floor ]

Alec Baldwin: Hey! [ kicks Steve repeatedly ] I.. was in.. Schweddy.. Balls!

[ the audience cheers this nostalgic recollection ]

Alec Baldwin: And I tied your record! Thirteen shows! So — [ mimicking Steve’s routine of yore ] excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse ME!!

[ Steve climbs to his feet and spits out a tooth ]

Steve Martin: Wait a minute – did you say you hosted thirteen times? I hosted fourteen times.

Alec Baldwin: [ flabbergasted ] Fourteen? Wait – let’s see: [ recounts Steve’s hostings out loud ] October 23rd, 1976, February 26th, 1977, September 24th, 1977, three times in 1978 — [ tallies up the rest in his head ] Oh, my God, you’re right! Wow! Fourteen times? I’m sorry about thiat, Steve!

Steve Martin: No, no – I apologize! I mean, I tried to kill you, and that’s so wrong today!

[ Martin Short re-enters, tugging Paul McCartney along with him ]

Martin Short: Mr. Baldwin, you’re wanted in the studio.

[ the audience screams and cheers the unexpected sight of Paul McCartney; even Alec wasn’t aware that McCartney would enter this sketch, and stares open-mouthed at the former Beatles/Wings frontman before covering his face; McCartney taps Alec’s shoulder as the audience cheering dies down ]

Steve Martin: It is – it is Paul Simon!

Martin Short: It’s close enough!

Alec Baldwin: I gotta run! Hey – [ to Steve ] Great to see you, Champ!

Steve Martin: You gotta run?

Alec Baldwin: [ shakes McCartney’s hand before he exits the Platinum Lounge ] You, too!

Martin Short: Okay, then! [ alone with Steve Martin and Paul McCartney ] Well! So, here we are!

Steve Martin: Again!

Paul McCartney: Yeah!

Martin Short: Just the three of us!

Steve Martin: Yeah. Though – can you get our car, so I can talk to Paul?

Martin Short: Absolutely!

[ they all exit the Platinum Lounge ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts