Henry… Alex Moffatt
Bigfoot… JJ Watt
Cecily Strong[Starts with a castle of London, England in 1918.]
Bowen: Henry, aren’t you nervous?
Henry: Do you doubt me?
Bowen: Of course not. But, in four months you’ve done the impossible. You’ve taken Bigfoot from the American wilds and taught him manners and how to comport himself in our society.
Henry: Well, I have to admit, it was a long road. But the past three days have gone perfectly. We play polo and bridge, and had one of his poems published in Ladies’ magazine.
Bowen: Um, you should be self-proud. And there he is.[Cut to Bigfoot walking down the stairs. He is wearing suit.] [Cut to everybody]
Henry: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my student, Misui Gran Pied, also known as Bigfoot.[Everybody looking at Bigfoot]
Bigfoot: Charmed! I am Bigfoot.
Kenan: Ah! Bigfoot. Welcome to my party. Please enjoy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take care of some business.
Beck: Mr. Pied, would you like some champagne?[Beck snaps his finger and calls for drinks]
Bigfoot: Oh, how thoughtful. But I won’t be drinking this evening. You know what they say? After two drinks, I’m drunk. After three, I’m under the table. And after four, I would take you by either leg and rip you up the middle like a piece of chicken.
Beck: [laughing] I’ve never heard anyone say that. So charming. Good job, old chap![Cecily walks in]
Cecily: Um, Mr. Foot. May I have a picture with you? Do the pose with me.[Cecily and Bigfoot pose by leaning forward and joining their hands]
Ha-ha-ha. Oh, he’s genius. Hey, you must bring him to every party.
Henry: It’s a smashing success.
Bowen: Yes. He’s the toast of the town.
Kenan: He is. Now, if only we could figure out who deposited flocculant on the bathroom floor.
Beck: What was that old chap?
Kenan: Someone has excreciated excrecia on the bathroom floor.
Beck: I think I understand what you’re saying.
Kenan: Well, let me be clearer. He dropped the kids off at the pool but he left them in the parking lot. And it was just one very large kid.[Cut to Bigfoot]
Bigfoot: Well, you know what they say. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Cecily: [laughing] I’m having a delightful time.[Cut to Bowen and Henry]
Bowen: Professor, did you forget to teach him something?
Henry: Oh, come on! He speaks French. He plays the hop. You can’t tell me this is a big deal.
Bowen: Yes, but I feel like when people think of this party, this will be the thing they’ll remember.[Cut to Bigfoot]
Bigfoot: Hey, hey. It sounds like whoever did this didn’t get something fully right. But actually, got pretty close. Maybe they should get credit for that.[Cut to Bowen and Henry]
Bowen: Yes, very close. If we were playing golf, he may not have gotten the hole in one, but he definitely dropped on one the green.
Henry: Indeed. And if he gets the next one in, he’ll have a duce.[Cut to Bigfoot]
Bigfoot: Enough of this. Should we dance? Let’s dance.[Cut to everybody]
Kenan: No! The lavatory is decimated. There’s a duke in there.
Cecily: Oh, my! Is he looking for a duchess?
Kenan: No. It is up to the sink, people! Do you understand? A maid is stuck in there.[Cut to Bigfoot]
Bigfoot: No! I’m so sorry![Henry walks in]
Henry: Don’t do this! Don’t show your hand.
Bigfoot: I have to. I must.[Bigfoot walks to the harp and starts playing it]
I’m sorry. I belong in the woods.
Bowen: Oh, don’t do this Mr. Pied.
Bigfoot: I’m not Mr. Pied. I’m Bigfoot. I’m a beast, an animal. I should be doing naked cartwheels under Secoyas, throwing snakes at the sky, popping up in cabin windows and freaking out teens who are trying to read Dickens and chill. I must go.
Cecily: Wait! [Cecily runs to Bigfoot] Bigfoot, I’m in love with you. I can’t explain it. I would leave everything behind for you. Take me.
Bigfoot: I’m taking her.[Cecily climbs up on Bigfoot’s shoulder]
Bigfoot: And I’m taking this.[Bigfoot takes the harp too]
Goodbye![Bigfoot and Cecily leave] [Cut to Beck and Kenan]
Beck: That was my wife.[Cut to Bowen and Henry]
Bowen: Well, they’re happy.
Henry: That’s what matters.[Cut to Beck and Kenan]
Kenan: It is indeed. No one has ever fallen in love at one of my parties. [Kenan raises his glass and walks forward] [The End]