Chantix Commercial

Kelly… Cecily Strong

[Chantix tablets commercial starts with Kelly sitting to give her testimonial.]

Female voice: Chantix presents, real stories, real people.

Kelly: I’m Kelly and I quit smoking with Chantix.

Female voice: Kelly is a real Chantix user. She is not an actress.

Kelly: Well, actually, it’s funny for you to say that because, you know, I used to be an actress.

Female voice: But she’s not anymore. She’s just here to give a testimonial.

Kelly: Alright.

Female voice: Unlike other methods, Chantix works by reducing the urge to smoke.

[Cut to Kelly in her kitchen]

Kelly: And that’s an urge I used to get constantly. Chantix was different. Sort of like, my take on Philia in the Village Player’s Prouction of Hamlet.

Female voice: But that was just community theater. So, let’s get back to Chantix.

Kelly: Well, okay, it won an award. So…

Female voice: For acting?

Kelly: We won for custumes.

[Cut to Kelly singing and dancing in her living room]

Now that I’ve quit smoking, I have more energy to do the things that matter to me. Like, gardening. Or workshopping characters from my one woman show. But don’t take my word for it. Ask my nana from the old country. [Kelly wears a scarf around her head and starts acting like an old lady] [yelling] Ah, you shouldn’t have smiled.

Female voice: But we’re not talking to that person. We’re talking to Kelly. About Chantix.

[Cut to Kelly sitting on a sofa in her living room]

Kelly: When I had kids, I knew I had to give up smoking. But when I tried quitting without Chantix, I was like, [acting] “The burden bears so heavily upon–”

Female voice: But right now, Kelly should really be focusing on her success with Chantix because she’s a real person, not an actress.

[Cut to Kelly crying]

Kelly: [sobbing] When I was a little girl I told myself, “You are gonna– You are gonna be somebody.”

Female voice: [interrupting] No one’s buying it, Kelly.

Kelly: Dammit. [Kelly turns off her background music on music player and walks away.]

Female voice: Side affects of Chantix may include nausea, fatigue–

[Kelly runs back and turns off the music again]

Kelly: It’s a boombox. It’s a boombox. Fine.

Female voice: –dry mouth, and kidding yourself about your level of talent.

[Cut to Kelly smoking outside her house.]

Kelly: Here’s the thing, I will do nudity. Full. The top and the under. The whole night.

Female voice: Chantix. Real stories, real people. Not actors.

Kelly: I’m talking full bush.

Totino’s Activity Pack Super Bowl Commercial

Venessa Bayer

J.K. Simmons

[Starts with four guys enjoying a football game drinking beer.]

Guys: Go, go, yeah!

[Venessa walks in]

Venessa: Who’s ready for some more to Totino’s pizza rolls?

J.K. Simmons: Thanks honey.

Venessa: Anything for my hungry guys.

J.K. Simmons: Now get out of here you, the game’s on.

Venessa: Okay, sweetheart. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.

Guys: Ah!

[Cut to Venessa in the kitchen]

Venessa narrating: When it comes to the big game, I love feeding my hungry guys. But, now what? I normally just sit in the kitchen waiting for them to ask for more delicious Totino’s  pizza rolls. But that can be so boring. Well, not anymore. [showing a board game] Introducing Totino’s new Super Bowl Activity Pack for women. It’s full of fun little puzzles and games to keep my mind active and learning while I wait back here.

[Cut to guys cheering] [Cut to Venessa in the kitchen]

My hungry guys aren’t the only ones having fun today. With my Super Bowl Activity Pack for women, [spinning a top] I can spin a little top, [doing the kid’s ‘connect the dots’ art game] connect the dots.

Venessa: Oh! Look at the little bee.

Venessa narrating: Do a word search.

Venessa: Hat, I found hat.

Venessa narrating: [Counting board game money] Count my own money. And plenty of other activities I can drop in a moment’s notice.

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: Honey, we’re out pizza rolls.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Coming right up.

[Venessa brings the guys some pizza rolls]

Beck: Oh, my favorite.

Jay: Ooh!

Bobby: Totino’s!

Venessa: Look honey, it’s a little bee.

J.K. Simmons: Yeah! We’re also out of beers, when you got a sec.

Venessa: Anything for my hungry guys.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Hey, does your wife wanna watch the game with us?

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: No, she’s good. She’s got a little activity pack.

[Behind J.K. Simmons, Venessa is playing games like children.]

Venessa narrating: Plus, if I get hungry from all the puzzles and games, my activity pack comes with one little Totino… just for me.

[Cut to the guys cheering] [Venessa comes in]

Venessa: Is the game almost over?

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: No, it’s till the first quarter.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Well, I already did that whole activity pack you gave me.

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: Well, open another one then.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay. Anything for my hungry–

J.K. Simmons: [interrupting Venessa] Go!

[Venessa just leaves]

Female voice: The Totino’s Superbowl Activity Pack. for grown women ages 5 & up.