Amy Mitchell… Kate McKinnon
Oliver Klein… Kyle Mooney
Ashley Brandt… Aidy Bryant
Natt Jones… Chris Redd
Courtney King… Heidi Gardner
Debin Alma… Pete Davidson[Starts with video clips of high school events]
Male voice: Summer is just around the corner. So, kick things off right with the most highly anticipated event in town. “James Madison High School Graduation.” It’s gonna be Hot as Hell. 100 grads, 400 family members. All in direct three plus hours. Grandpa might pass out. It all kicks off with class speaker Amy Mitchell who does not know how to work that mic.[Amy walks to the podium and speaks. She is looking here and there and the mic isn’t catching everything she’s saying.]
Amy: Sometimes I wish [inaudible] and that I could stay at this school [inaudible].
Male voice: Followed by victorian Oliver Klein, the smartest kid in class giving the world’s saltiest speech.[Oliver walks to the podium.]
Oliver: Some of us weren’t considered cool or popular. And girls didn’t notice me. But in few years, boy oh boy, things are gonna change. You’re gonna wish you have gotten with me. Congratulations to the class of 2018.
Male voice: Bitter much? Bad enough? I didn’t think so. Because it’s time for the main event. Handing out diplomas. All your favorites will be there. Like, grads with unfortunate names.
Principal: Witney Slickt.[the girl makes sad face]
Male voice: And class radical Ashley Brandt who is making a confused political statement with her gown.[Ashley walks to podium and holds the mic.]
Get your laws off my uterus. And save the honey bees!
Male voice: Pick a lane! And how about Natt Jones who has been telling every one he’s going to do a back handspring but then bails it the last minute?[Natt is ready for the backflip but he doesn’t do it. Everyone is staring at him. He just walks out.]
And when visibly pregnant senior Courtney King takes the stage, watch that news hit the parents section like an atomic bomb.[As Courtney walks to the front, the parents are shocked and are talking bout her.]
Who’s the father?
And just when you thought the fun was over, watch your principal confidently mispronounce the Indian kid’s last name.
Principal: Parswa– Parsajabadajubis.
Male voice: Butchered! And of course, everybody’s dabbing. Dab! Dab! Dab! Dab![Courtney King is walking]
Is it a boy or a girl? It’s a Dab!
And after the ceremony, it’s time for dads with iPads! [All the old men are taking their iPads out to take pictures.] And lots of group pictures where no one knows which phone to look at. Plus, secrets will be revealed. Like, when you realize goth kid Debin Alma’s parent’s are like, normal? How did that happen?
And hey, look. There is a senior having drama with his girlfriend who’s a sophmore.[Mikey is talking to his girlfriend]
Mikey: I don’t want to date college girls. Baby, we’re not gonna break up. Okay?
Male voice: Ha-ha. Yeah, they will. It will be a thing to remember. But the only thing everyone will actually remember is when the principal fell off the stage.[Principal is speaking on the stage walking around]
Principal: Webster defines the term gradu–[Principal falls down the stage]
Male voice: The James Madison High School Graduation. Your grandma flew in for this.