Tag: Harry Styles

Sara Lee

Jake… Bowen Yang

Dylan… Harry Styles

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of Sara Lee building]

Dylan: You called me in?

[Cut to the office]

Jake: Hi there, Dylan, have a seat.

Cecily: Dillan, I was just telling Santino—

Jake: Oh, it’s Jake.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Okay, I’m sorry. I was telling him about your work managing the company Instagram here at Sara Lee.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Yeah. And I love representing the brand. People love bread content.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Jake: Yeah, that’s a actually why we brought you in today. Since we flagged some activity on the account that has been a little off message.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Oh. I don’t think so.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Well, for example, why did Sara Lee comment on this picture [Cut to the Instagram picture of Nick Jonas] of Nick Jonas saying, “Wreck me daddy”? And then comment a month later again with “Destroy me king.”

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Oh, I see what happened. I’ve been mixing up the Sara Lee Instagram with my personal Instagram account?

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Mm-hmm, we figured. And Sara Lee has also been obsessed with this random guy with only 200 followers.

Jake: For him, Sara Lee commented [Cut to Instagram picture of a random guy] with a few egg plants, water drops, a train and a ghost emoji.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: And that’s a reference to—

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Getting railed to death. Yes.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Jake: See, the worst part is this guy didn’t even like Sara Lee’s comment. And that’s really bad for the brand.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: I didn’t notice.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Well, I think you did. Because three hours later [Cut to Instagram picture of a random guy] Sara Lee commented, “Shy no response?”

Jake: Again, really bad for the brand.

Cecily: If Nick Jonas won’t like Sara Lee’s comment, fine. But some random fashion twink?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Yeah. Sara Lee’s feelings were hurt by that. It’s okay though.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Well, the other component to this is you’ve been captioning the company’s images with your own voice too.

[Cut to everybody]

Jake: Here’s this one.

Cecily: So you should have written something like, [Cut to Cecily and Jake] “Sara Lee fact. Our Texas toast is part of delicious grilled cheese.”

Jake: But what Sara Lee actually captioned was, “Feeling really depressed after threesome. What was supposed to be a fantasy ended up more rejection. Must get rid of Toxic in community.”

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: And were there typos in that?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: I don’t think so. But Sara Lee wrote that at 4 in the morning while he was still on Poppers High.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: And was that also the case for this photo of our cheesecake?

Jake: How about you read this one.

Dylan: “A little moody after being used. Why do guys freak out when I ask them to spit in my mouth? Need a real king that can handle. It’s 8 am and I have to go to hell job Sara Lee. Little in my head after another threesome.

[Cut to everybody]

Jake: We think it would be healthy if Sara Lee stopped having threesomes.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: I know. It’s okay though.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: You keep telling us it’s okay, but it really, really isn’t.

Jake: Yeah, Dillan, I’m very disappointed. I passed down the Instagram to you because I thought it would be in good hands.

Cecily: Well, now that explains these posts from before Dylan started working here.

Jake: Oh! Oh, yes, I did write this, “Security downstairs stopped letting people into harness party at Sara Lee office. We have to do better. Must get rid of Toxic in the community.”

Cecily: Wow. Well, you’ve both done severe damage to Sara Lee’s image. So, this is your first warning.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Thank you. Full honesty, today Sara Lee DM’d Shawn Mendes saying “Check out my special holiday promotion.”

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: And what was that promotion?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: A picture of my open throat.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Okay, second warning.

SNL Host Harry Styles and Kenan Enjoy the Magic of Fall

Kenan Thompson

Harry Styles

[Starts with Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles walking in the SNL studio.]

Kenan: Ah, man! Welcome back to studio. Man, this is going to be fun.

Harry: Thank you, Kenan. I’m very, very excited to be back at SNL. [Cut to Harry Styles] I’m going to be some characters. I’m going to sing. I’m pretty much down for anything.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Anything?

Harry: Anything. [Cut to Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles] What do you have in mind?

Kenan: Well, there’s only kind of one thing I want to do right now.

Harry: What is it?

Kenan: Would you like to enjoy the magical fall with me?

Harry: I would love to enjoy the magical fall with you. What do you have in mind?

[Kenan points at a direction. Harry Styles looks at it and smiles.] [There is a pile of maple leaves in the studio]

Harry: Classic full fun!

[Harry Styles and Kenan Thompson run towards the leaves] [Music playing] [Harry Styles and Kenan Thompson are playing with the maple leaves]

Harry: Yes, what a magical time, huh?

Kenan: I love fall. Do you guys celebrate Thanksgiving?

Harry: No, not really.

[Sound of blower] [The cleaner walks in]

Cleaner: You guys need to clear out, I need to clean the studio.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles]

Kenan: What?

Cleaner: You guys need to leave.

Harry: Yes, leaves. We love leaves.

Kenan: Yes, yes. That’s what this is about.

[Cut to the cleaner]

Cleaner: You guys need to go home.

[cut to Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles]

Harry: Happy holidays, sir.

Kenan: I love being around.

[Cut to the cleaner]

Cleaner: Okay, I’m calling the security.

[cut to Kenan Thompson and Harry Styles]

Kenan: Yes, I understood that one.

[Harry Styles and Kenan Thompson leave]

That’s the Game

Quan… Chris Redd

Dante… Kenan Thompson

Harry Styles

Mikey Day

[Starts with people smuggling packages and counting money in a warehouse.]

Quan: Wrap that package. Alright man, we gotta move this out for tonight.

Dante: Quan, how come I didn’t know nothing about this shipment coming in?

Quan: Maybe that’s because that’s not your concern anymore, Dante. It’s my operation now.

Dante: You cutting me out? I thought we were partners, man. 50-50.

Quan: If we was partners, then why were you acting like the boss? Huh?

Dante: You think you can run this whole thing without me?

[Harry and Mikey who are beside Quan pull guns on Dante] [Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Nothing personal.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Just business.

Quan: That’s a game, bruh. [Cut to Quan] Don’t trip. I’m gonna run it just like you did. Got ya coke. Ya heroin from Mexico. Move it to the stash house. Guess what I’m gonna do next.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Suppose you’re going to sell it.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Exactly. Who do you think I’m going to sell it to?

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: You the king, you tell me.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: You’re damn right I’m the king! But say I wasn’t yet, and you were. Who would you call to sell the drugs and what’s the guy’s name?

[Silence] [Mikey and Harry are confused] [Cut to Dante]

Dante: If I was still the king, I’d put a bullet in your goddamn head.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then after that, who is the guy you would sell the drugs to and what’s his number and what’s a good time to call him?

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: For real?

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Bitch, I just asked you, who would you call? How much would you charge? How would you sell it? What’s his number? And where do you get those little plastic baggies you put the drugs in?

[Silence] [Cut to Dante]

Dante: Quan, do you know what you’re doing?

[Cut to Harry, Quan and Mikey]

Quan: Yeah, yo. And besides, product this pure, sells itself.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Not really.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Yo, says you. Man, look at this heroin, bruh!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That’s cocaine.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: It’s the same thing.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: It’s not though.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: I know that, fool. I’m saying it’s like the same thing pricewise.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: No, it’s not.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Enough, okay! Look, I got so much of this junk right here, I could give it away and still make bank. [Quan throws the pack up] [Cut to Dante]

Dante: Yep, that’s a loose pack.

[all the cocaine falls on Quan] [Cut to Harry, Mikey and Quan]

Quan: Oops, guess I’m out a hundred bucks.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: A hundred bucks? That’s like 30 grand.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: A-ah. [Looks at Mikey] Sweep that up. Sweep that up.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Quan, I admire your hustle, man.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Thank you kindly.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: But you didn’t know the game bruh.

[Cut to everybody]

Quan: Oh, I don’t know the game? I don’t know the game? [Quan takes his gun out] Bitch, I live this game— [All the bullets fall out from his gun] goddammit.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Yo, you hit the wrong button on that.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: That’s okay. All it takes is one bullet.

[Quan puts in the bullet from the front of the gun’s barrel] [Cut to Dante]

Dante: That is not how that goes.

[Cut to Quan and Mikey]

Quan: Here, screw this in for me.

Mikey: Yo, you can’t screw in a bullet.

Quan: Yes, you can.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Quan, you are not ready for this.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: I was born ready for this.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Okay, so you got a lawyer sitting up shell companies to hide the cash.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: I’m calling one right now.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Not on your personal phone though, right?

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Nah.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: And you know about supply side economics.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Word.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: You can flood the market, after all.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Right, right. ‘Cause of, uh—

[Quan tries to copy what Dante is saying] [Cut to Dante]

Dante: Then you gotta weigh earnings against overhead.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Ooh, it is hot in here.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Of course, you gotta project seasonality in market trends. Right? [Cut to Quan getting confused with all the technical stuffs] So, even though it’s quarter four right now, you’re setting up for quarter two of next year. And you’ve got cops on the pay roll. Let them bust a little bit of the stash, a little in they pockets. [Quan loses his focus] And of course, you gotta figure out a way to get right with the Irs. Right? Get ready to make all the payoffs to the lawyers—Quan? Quan!

Quan: What?

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Go that handled, right, Quan?

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: ‘Cause you know, if you need the help I could see about coming back on maybe a part-time basis.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Listen to this fool.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah. Bitch, you out.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Or maybe he’s in!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Dude—

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: You know, help with the transition and all that. But it ain’t gonna be no 50-50 split this time.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Oh, I know. ‘Cause I’m taking 80%.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: You tripping’, dog.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Okay, 100%.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Deal.

Harry: What?

Quan: But I’m still the king.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: No.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Deal. But I get to go to the meetings and all of that.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Nope.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Deal.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Bruh!

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: So I guess we back in business then. Clean this mess up. [Dante leaves] [Cut to Harry]

Harry: Quan!

[Cut to Quan and MIkey]

Mikey: Yo, what just happened?

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: That’s just the game, dog. [Quan pulls up his gun but his bullets fall again] Goddammit.

Mikey: You pushin’ the button.

Quan: I ain’t pushing no button!