Hattie… Heidi Gardner
Jeff… Mikey Day[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: May-December relationships are nothing unusual now-a-days. But a 26 year old groom is facing accusations of being a gold digger after marrying his 106 year old multi billionaire bride. Here to respond are newly-weds Jeff and Hattie Deley.[Hattie and Jeff slide in]
Jeff: I put a ring on it. Thanks, Michael. I just want to say to all the haters out there, I’m not pretending. I could care less about my wife’s money. I married my wife because I’m in love with her.
Hattie: Candy? [passes candy to Michael Che]
Michael Che: Oh. Is this a cough-trap?
Hattie: It’s candy.
Jeff: Yeah. She likes to give those out. I don’t know if I’d eat it. It’s a little weird.
Hattie: That’s candy.
Michael Che: Thank you.
Jeff: And by the way, I just want to say, I didn’t even know she was rich to like, a couple of months after we started dating.
Michael Che: Dude, her maiden name is Exxonmobil. Hattie Exxonmobil.
Jeff: I don’t know.
Hattie: That’s me!
Jeff: Yeah, that is you, baby. God, she’s so sexy. All I know is it was love at first sight. She walked by and I swear on my life, like, except for the Walker, I thought it was Margot Robbie. I was like, what?
Hattie: We are on television.
Jeff: Yeah, we are, baby. We are on television. Yeah.
Michael Che: So, I hear you won’t sign a prenup?
Jeff: Yeah. I mean, her family wants me to but I know we’ll never divorce. So, what’s the point? You know what I mean?
Hattie: Can I have a custard before bed?
Jeff: Yeah, it’s awesome, baby.
Hattie: It’s little snack called custard.
Jeff: Yeah. Alright. Yes, babe.
Hattie: You owe me custard before bed.
Michael Che: I understand, ma’am. Just… What do you love the most about your wife?
Jeff: Um, she makes me laugh, Michael.
Hattie: Light’s so bright in here.
Jeff: Yeah. Baby, what kind of stuff do we laugh about?
Hattie: The hey?
Jeff: She says ‘the hey’. It means like, what? I think it’s an old person thing. It’s super adorable though, and I love it. Ha-ha-ha. [loud voice] What do we laugh about, baby?
Hattie: Oh. He-he. The hey.
Jeff: We have the same sense of humor. It’s awesome. [yelling] Babe, what do we laugh about?
Hattie: Excited for my custard.
Jeff: Yes, custard.
Hattie: Eat a custard.
Jeff: Yeah, he knows about the custard. No, we’re just excited to start our lives and start a family.
Michael Che: A family? Dude, I think ship has sailed, man.
Jeff: No. Technology is redonk now. Like, you just have to have my sperm fertilize another woman’s egg, and that woman carries and then has the baby.
Michael Che: So, you’re just going to get another woman pregnant?
Jeff: Look, kids are down the road. We got to practice making them first.
Michael Che: Dude, for real? What is having sex with your wife like? Killer?
Jeff: You’d think so, but no.
Hattie: I like it a lot.
Michael Che: Aw.
Jeff: She does.
Hattie: I like it a lot.
Jeff: They know, babe.
Hattie: [pointing at Jeff] I have sex with him.
Michael Che: Okay, if this is legit, I hope you two have many, many more years together.
Jeff: Oh, don’t say that, man.
Michael Che: That’s right.
Hattie: [pointing at Jeff’s penis] Excited for my custard.
Jeff: They know. We’re gonna have it.
Michael Che: The Deleys, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.