Hunter… Mikey Day
Dana… Cecily Strong
Jenna… Aidy Bryant
Kenny… Pete Davidson
Courtney… Kristen Stewart
Kyle Mooney[Starts with Hunter talking to the students]
Hunter: Alright, what’s up everyone. Snake a seat if you can. I’m Hunter, class of ‘19 and welcome to UCONN Dry Fridays. Now, I know you’re all here coz you were caught drinking in the dorms but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Dana’s got some ‘za for us.
Dana: And cheesy bread. What, what?
Hunter: Noice! So, if it’s your first time at Dry Fridays, go ahead and introduce yourself and tell us why you’re here.
Jenna: Okay, I can go. I’m Jenna and I got caught drinking a beer in my suite. And it just sucked because it was the night before my 21st birthday.
Hunter: Yeah, zero tolerance policy on campus. What’s up, man?
Kenny: Oh, hey. I’m Kenny and I was pouring vodka into a water bottle in the bathroom when my R.A. walked in.
Hunter: Ooh! Busted! Um, hi there.
Courtney: Hey. I’m Courtney. Classic college story, you know? I Drank 40 beers, got naked, grabbed a chainsaw and went behind north quad and cut down 35 pine trees. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, but of course this time I get caught, right?
Hunter: Yeah, I mean, I don’t know about that. But that’s a good segue. Coz everyone’s done or knows someone who’s done something stupid while drunk. Right Dana?
Dana: Ah! Thanks, Hunt! Alright, freshman year, I had a few too many and mooned a cop.
Kyle: Oh! My friend R.J. fell and knocked out three of his bottom teeth.
Courtney: Oh, man! Last weekend, I did a 10 minutes solo keg stand and got so faded. Wake up the next morning, I’m like, “When did I get a no-hawk?”
Kenny: What’s a no-hawk?
Courtney: It’s like opposite mohawk.[Courtney opens her beanie, she has her middle part of her head shaved]
Hunter: Um, okay. Yeah, see, sometimes it’s just not worth it, right?
Kenny: Dude, totally. Anyone ever get wasted and text an ex?
Jenna: Or ever ordered food and then pass out before it’s delivered?
Dana: Yeah, that was my move freshman year, right?
Courtney: Yeah, but did you ever black out and when you wake up you have a dog-tracking chip in your neck and you’re like, “What is that?”
Hunter: Yeah, I mean everyone’s got a story. Courtney, you go ahead and pop that beanie back on if you want. I’ll be straight with you guys. My freshman year, Dana knows about this, I passed out in the hall outside my dorm room.
Kyle: Hey, I can beat that. Spring weekend, I passed out in the Taco Bell bathroom.
Courtney: [laughing] Oh, I can’t top that, but this one I passed out on Mr. Shinto’s island and totally missed the submarine back to the mainland. Mr. Shinto was so mad at me. Yeah.[All the students are confused looking at Courtney]
Hunter: Alright, yeah. Not really sure who Mr. Shinto is or what that story was about, but alright.
Dana: Yeah, and like if you’re cold, feel free to go ahead and pop that beanie back on. The point is guys, drinking can lead to bad choices. Like, when I was drunk and got a tramp stamp.
Hunter: It’s a mermaid, by the way.
Dana: Thanks hunt!
Courtney: I got you beat though. You know, those indigenous tribes that put, like discs on their lips like this? I got that, but I got it here. [starts opening her pants] You guys should see this.
Hunter: Oh, no, no, no, no. No, Courtney. We’ll take your word for it. Okay? And we’ve all seen the haircut by now, so feel free to pop that beanig back on.
Dana: Guys, we’re not here to lecture you or tell you not to have a good time. But the fact is heavy drinking does some real nasty stuff to your body.
Kenny: Yeah, like, if I go hard one weekend, I get like heartburn for a week and I’m just like tired of that.
Courtney: Yeah, I’m like, legit worried about my body too. Like a month ago, I got blitzed by myself and I guess I ate eggs or something. The next morning, sorry if this is kind of nasty, I go to the bathroom and egg just comes out and it’s still in it’s shell. And I’m like, “My body is so jacked, I can’t digest an egg?” That’s crazy.
Hunter: Right. I mean, I don’t know if alcohol does that. But maybe you didn’t necessarily eat the egg? If that makes sense? Maybe you–
Courtney: Oh my god, that does make so much more sense coz I hate eggs. I would never eat one.
Kenny: But you would put one–
Hunter: Okay, hey, we don’t need to say it. Um, it’s probably a good time, Dana, to get our za?
Dana: What? Oh, I’m sorry, I’m still thinking about that egg. Like, how did it nor crack?
Jenna: And I want to hear so much more about Mr. Shinto.
Kenny: Yeah, do you have a picture of that disc thing?
Hunter: Yeah, I’m sure we all want Courtney to answer some questions and maybe put that beanie back on. But, let’s wait till after the meeting.
Courtney: Yeah, I mean, after party, my place, I got keg shots, whatever. My roommate is really cool but all of his wives are so annoying. It’s crazy.
Jenna: What is your life?[The End]