Chelsea… Sarah Sherman
Courtney… Chloe Fineman
John: Do you guys remember Chelsea?
Ben: Your ex Chelsea?
Ben: Oh, I haven’t thought about her in a while.
Martin: Honestly, when you guys broke up, it was like such early.
Ben: Yeah, she was kind of the worst, man.
Martin: Just like a negative person.
Ben: Like a bad person.
Martin: Yeah, like, whenever she would walk into a room, it would be like “Okay, I guess this room is just gonna suck for a little bit.”
Ben: Sometimes I would have daydreams about her getting stepped on by a giant.
Martin: And she would always have like food all over her shirt like a baby.
Ben: She’d be like, “Oh, does this hot dog belong on my shirt or in my mouth?”
Martin: “Oh, I’m Chelsea. I’m cruel and I smell like a dead guy’s fridge.”
Ben: She stung. She was stinky.
Martin: She was like pond scum. Like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff.
Ben: A sewer runoff. Yes. Ew. Chelsea. Why? What’s up with Chelsea?
John: We got back together.
Ben: You did?
John: And she’s right here.
Ben: Chelsea. It is so good to see you. John, what the hell? So you guys serious or casual?
Chelsea: John just proposed, wedding’s in June.
Ben: Love it.
Martin: I can’t wait to meet the fam.
John: You already did. They’re watching on Zoom.
Ben: What’s up family? Y’all don’t seem too happy with me.
Dad: Anyone talks crap about my daughter, I’ll hunt you down and I swear to God…
Ben: Close out of that one.
Martin: Hey Chelsea, do you remember the stuff we were talking about earlier?
Chelsea: I do.
Martin: You do? Well, we were actually talking about John’s other ex, Courtney.
Ben: Yes, Courtney was the one who was like a fugly nerd.
Ben: Courtenay. Good to see ya.
Martin: Look, we didn’t mean to insult you guys.
John: Really? You didn’t mean to insult them? Stenographer, read back the Rebecca remarks please?
Stenographer: She was like pond scum, like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff.
Martin: Where are all of you coming from?
Ben: Get out of my office, you weiordo.
Steve Martin: Don’t talk to her that way. That’s my wife.
Ben: What? That’s your wife?
Steve Martin: No, it isn’t, but it doesn’t matter. You two are fugly on the inside.
Martin: Steve, come on. You’re our favorite host.
Martin Short: Favorite host?
Ben: Damn it.
Martin Short: I’m telling Michael Che.
Michael Che: Not cool, guys.
Martin: Why were back there?
Michael Che: What is my number one rule about SNL?
Ben: ABC rule.
Michael Che: That’s right. ABC. Always be kind. You broke that rule. So Martin, you’re fired.
Martin: What? Just me? Why? Ben’s the one who started this.
John: Can you not talk about Ben that way? He’s right here.
Ben: That’s really not cool, man.
Martin: Oh my god.
Steve Martin: Come on everybody, but Martin. Let’s go back to my apartment. You can all take one thing home with you.
Martin: Now I’m all alone. And it’s Christmas.
Dad: You talk crap about my daughter? You dead.