Tag: Courtney

Please Don’t Destroy – Chelsea

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Chelsea… Sarah Sherman

Courtney… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Ben, John and Martin in their office.]

John: Do you guys remember Chelsea?

Ben: Your ex Chelsea?

John: Yeah.

Ben: Oh, I haven’t thought about her in a while.

Martin: Honestly, when you guys broke up, it was like such early.

Ben: Yeah, she was kind of the worst, man.

Martin: Just like a negative person.

Ben: Like a bad person.

Martin: Yeah, like, whenever she would walk into a room, it would be like “Okay, I guess this room is just gonna suck for a little bit.”

Ben: Sometimes I would have daydreams about her getting stepped on by a giant.

Martin: And she would always have like food all over her shirt like a baby.

Ben: She’d be like, “Oh, does this hot dog belong on my shirt or in my mouth?”

Martin: “Oh, I’m Chelsea. I’m cruel and I smell like a dead guy’s fridge.”

Ben: She stung. She was stinky.

Martin: She was like pond scum. Like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff.

Ben: A sewer runoff. Yes. Ew. Chelsea. Why? What’s up with Chelsea?

John: We got back together.

Ben: You did?

John: And she’s right here.

[Chelsea is sitting on the couch right beside them]

Ben: Chelsea. It is so good to see you. John, what the hell? So you guys serious or casual?

Chelsea: John just proposed, wedding’s in June.

Ben: Love it.

Martin: I can’t wait to meet the fam.

John: You already did. They’re watching on Zoom.

[The whole family is on Zoom group call]

Ben: What’s up family? Y’all don’t seem too happy with me.

Dad: Anyone talks crap about my daughter, I’ll hunt you down and I swear to God…

[Ben closes the computer]

Ben: Close out of that one.

Martin: Hey Chelsea, do you remember the stuff we were talking about earlier?

Chelsea: I do.

Martin: You do? Well, we were actually talking about John’s other ex, Courtney.

Ben: Yes, Courtney was the one who was like a fugly nerd.

[Cortney is also sitting on the couch]

Courtney: Wow.

Ben: Courtenay. Good to see ya.

Martin: Look, we didn’t mean to insult you guys.

John: Really? You didn’t mean to insult them? Stenographer, read back the Rebecca remarks please?

[There’s a stenographer in front of the door]

Stenographer: She was like pond scum, like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff.

Martin: Where are all of you coming from?

Ben: Get out of my office, you weiordo.

Steve Martin: Don’t talk to her that way. That’s my wife.

Ben: What? That’s your wife?

Steve Martin: No, it isn’t, but it doesn’t matter. You two are fugly on the inside.

Martin: Steve, come on. You’re our favorite host.

Martin Short: Favorite host?

Ben: Damn it.

Martin Short: I’m telling Michael Che.

Michael Che: Not cool, guys.

Ben: Che?

Martin: Why were back there?

Michael Che: What is my number one rule about SNL?

Ben: ABC rule.

Michael Che: That’s right. ABC. Always be kind. You broke that rule. So Martin, you’re fired.

Martin: What? Just me? Why? Ben’s the one who started this.

John: Can you not talk about Ben that way? He’s right here.

[Ben is now sitting between John, Chelsea and Courtney.]

Ben: That’s really not cool, man.

Martin: Oh my god.

Steve Martin: Come on everybody, but Martin. Let’s go back to my apartment. You can all take one thing home with you.

All: Yay.

Martin: Now I’m all alone. And it’s Christmas.

[Chelsea’s dad walks in]

Dad: You talk crap about my daughter? You dead.

[Starring Sarah Sherman’s Real Dad]

Dry Fridays

Hunter… Mikey Day

Dana… Cecily Strong

Jenna… Aidy Bryant

Kenny… Pete Davidson

Courtney… Kristen Stewart

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Hunter talking to the students]

Hunter: Alright, what’s up everyone. Snake a seat if you can. I’m Hunter, class of ‘19 and welcome to UCONN Dry Fridays. Now, I know you’re all here coz you were caught drinking in the dorms but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Dana’s got some ‘za for us.

Dana: And cheesy bread. What, what?

Hunter: Noice! So, if it’s your first time at Dry Fridays, go ahead and introduce yourself and tell us why you’re here.

Jenna: Okay, I can go. I’m Jenna and I got caught drinking a beer in my suite. And it just sucked because it was the night before my 21st birthday.

Hunter: Yeah, zero tolerance policy on campus. What’s up, man?

Kenny: Oh, hey. I’m Kenny and I was pouring vodka into a water bottle in the bathroom when my R.A. walked in.

Hunter: Ooh! Busted! Um, hi there.

Courtney: Hey. I’m Courtney. Classic college story, you know? I Drank 40 beers, got naked, grabbed a chainsaw and went behind north quad and cut down 35 pine trees. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, but of course this time I get caught, right?

Hunter: Yeah, I mean, I don’t know about that. But that’s a good segue. Coz everyone’s done or knows someone who’s done something stupid while drunk. Right Dana?

Dana: Ah! Thanks, Hunt! Alright, freshman year, I had a few too many and mooned a cop.

Kyle: Oh! My friend R.J. fell and knocked out three of his bottom teeth.

Courtney: Oh, man! Last weekend, I did a 10 minutes solo keg stand and got so faded. Wake up the next morning, I’m like, “When did I get a no-hawk?”

Kenny: What’s a no-hawk?

Courtney: It’s like opposite mohawk.

[Courtney opens her beanie, she has her middle part of her head shaved]

Hunter: Um, okay. Yeah, see, sometimes it’s just not worth it, right?

Kenny: Dude, totally. Anyone ever get wasted and text an ex?

Everyone: Yes!

Jenna: Or ever ordered food and then pass out before it’s delivered?

Dana: Yeah, that was my move freshman year, right?

Courtney: Yeah, but did you ever black out and when you wake up you have a dog-tracking chip in your neck and you’re like, “What is that?”

Kenny: No.

Hunter: Yeah, I mean everyone’s got a story. Courtney, you go ahead and pop that beanie back on if you want. I’ll be straight with you guys. My freshman year, Dana knows about this, I passed out in the hall outside my dorm room.

Kyle: Hey, I can beat that. Spring weekend, I passed out in the Taco Bell bathroom.

Courtney:  [laughing] Oh, I can’t top that, but this one I passed out on Mr. Shinto’s island and totally missed the submarine back to the mainland. Mr. Shinto was so mad at me. Yeah.

[All the students are confused looking at Courtney]

Hunter: Alright, yeah. Not really sure who Mr. Shinto is or what that story was about, but alright.

Dana: Yeah, and like if you’re cold, feel free to go ahead and pop that beanie back on. The point is guys, drinking can lead to bad choices. Like, when I was drunk and got a tramp stamp.

Hunter: It’s a mermaid, by the way.

Dana: Thanks hunt!

Courtney: I got you beat though. You know, those indigenous tribes that put, like discs on their lips like this? I got that, but I got it here. [starts opening her pants] You guys should see this.

Hunter: Oh, no, no, no, no. No, Courtney. We’ll take your word for it. Okay? And we’ve all seen the haircut by now, so feel free to pop that beanig back on.

Dana: Guys, we’re not here to lecture you or tell you not to have a good time. But the fact is heavy drinking does some real nasty stuff to your body.

Kenny: Yeah, like, if I go hard one weekend, I get like heartburn for a week and I’m just like tired of that.

Courtney: Yeah, I’m like, legit worried about my body too. Like a month ago, I got blitzed by myself and I guess I ate eggs or something. The next morning, sorry if this is kind of nasty, I go to the bathroom and egg just comes out and it’s still in it’s shell. And I’m like, “My body is so jacked, I can’t digest an egg?” That’s crazy.

Hunter: Right. I mean, I don’t know if alcohol does that. But maybe you didn’t necessarily eat the egg? If that makes sense? Maybe you–

Courtney: Oh my god, that does make so much more sense coz I hate eggs. I would never eat one.

Kenny: But you would put one–

Hunter: Okay, hey, we don’t need to say it. Um, it’s probably a good time, Dana, to get our za?

Dana: What? Oh, I’m sorry, I’m still thinking about that egg. Like, how did it nor crack?

Jenna: And I want to hear so much more about Mr. Shinto.

Kenny: Yeah, do you have a picture of that disc thing?

Hunter: Yeah, I’m sure we all want Courtney to answer some questions and maybe put that beanie back on. But, let’s wait till after the meeting.

Courtney: Yeah, I mean, after party, my place, I got keg shots, whatever. My roommate is really cool but all of his wives are so annoying. It’s crazy.

Jenna: What is your life?

[The End]

What’s That Name | Season 44 Episode 14

Doug… John Mulaney

Courtney… Cecily Strong

Vince Blight… Bill Hader

Todd… Mikey Day

Todd’s Wife… Heidi Gardner

Jake… Alex Moffat

Jake’s Wife… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Doug and Courtney in the game show]

Narrator: And now it’s time to play what’s that name? And here’s your host, [Cut to Vince Blight] Vince Blight.

Vince Blight: Hello, hello and welcome to What’s That Name. The rules are simple. We show you a person. You tell us their name. Our contestants are Dough and Courtney. [Cut to Doug and Courney] [Cut to Vince Blight] The first question goes to Doug. John Legend is one of pop music’s biggest artists. But his better half as a star in her own right. [cut to picture of John Legend and his wife] Doug, what’s that name?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Crissy Teagan. [Ring for the right answer] [Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: That’s right. $5 for you. Courtney, you’re up next. Although, they recently split, we’ll never forget the whirl wind romance of Noah Cyrus [Cut to picture of Noah Cyrus and her boyfriend] and this American musician. What’s that name?

[Cut to Doug and Courtney]

Courtney: Okay, I actually know this. It’s Lil’ Xan. [Ring for the right answer] [Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: That’s right. Five bucks to you. All right. Doug. This next question is for $250,000. And we’ve got a walk on clue. [Cut to the stage. The door opens and a couple comes to the stage]

Todd: Hey Doug, it’s me. I’m one of your closest friends.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Hey, Todd.

[Cut to Todd and his girlfriend]

Todd’s girlfriend: And I have been his girlfriend for four years. What’s my name?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Hey, it’s great to see you.

[Cut to Todd and his girlfriend]

Todd’s girlfriend: It’s great to see you. We’ve gone out to dinner 20 times. We’ve sat next to each other at multiple weddings. What’s my name?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Uh—

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Doesn’t seem like you know her name.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Of course I do. Of course I do. It’s Missy?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Audience?

[Cut to Todd and his girlfriend]

Audience: Karen

Doug: Todd, I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Interesting choice to apologize to him. As opposed to her. I guess you just don’t consider her a human being.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What kind of horrible game show is this?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: It’s what’s that name. Courtney. You’re up next. And we’ve got another walk on clue.

[Cut to the stage. The door opens and a couple comes to the stage]

Jake: Hey, it’s Jake from your advertising firm in which you are the only female partner.

Jake’s Wife: And I’m his wife. [Cut to Courtney, very disappointed] So, [Cut to Jake and Jake’s wife] we met at the holiday party and when I showed up, you gave me a big hug and said, “Thank god, I’m not the only woman here anymore”. Every time you see me, you say, “Hey, lady” or “Hey, mama”. What’s my name?

[Cut to Courtney]

Courtney: Mama?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Oh, not going to cut it, mama. Audience?

[Cut to Jake and Jake’s wife]

Audience: Allison.

Jake’s Wife: But, Lil’ Xan you know.

[Cut to Doug and Courtney]

Doug: See, that’s even worse than me.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: How is that worse? Get all the cameras on him. Finish that thought, [Cut to Doug] Doug. It’s worse because –

Doug: Well, she’s a woman. So at a party, you think she would want to talk to the other wives.

[Cut to Doug and Courtney]

Courtney: Other wives?

Vince Blight: She’s a god damn [Cut to Vince Blight] partner at the firm, buddy. Unreal. Round two.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: You know, I want to say something. I think you’re kind of a jerk.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: I think you’re a jerk.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Why don’t you name all your friend’s wives?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Those guys? They don’t have wives. I roll with a crew of problematic bachelors and we call ourselves the squad. Let’s learn a little bit about our contestants. Shall we? Courtney, it says here that you’re a woman who doesn’t support other woman.

[Cut to Courtney]

Courtney: That’s right.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Is there anything you would like to say to all the girls watching at home?

[Cut to Courtney]

Courtney: Nope.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Gotcha. Doug, what would you say to all the young girls watching?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: I don’t know. You are as good as any man. [Wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Terrible.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What would you say?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: I wouldn’t say anything. Camera three, push it on me. I would listen. [Cut to Doug] [Cut to Vince Blight] It’s time for the final clue and this one is dealer’s choice. [Cut to the stage. The door opens and three women come to the stage.] No, you’re not seeing double. There’s three women there. Doug, these are three of your wife’s bridesmaids. [Cut to Vince Blight] And we know, you don’t know any of their names.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: That’s correct.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Okay. So here’s the deal. You pick the one you think you have got the best shot at.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Um, middle one.

[Cut to three bridesmaids]

Woman in the middle: Awe, thanks.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: And because you are such a dumb donkey, we’re going to give you almost all the letters.

[Cut to three bridesmaids. The hint has first letter blank space and rest three letters are ‘ARA’.”

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Can I have the first letter?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: No. That would be all of them.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Do I have to look at her while I guess?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Right in the eye. For $10 million. What’s that name?

[Cut to three bridesmaids]

Doug: I am so sorry. Lara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Dara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Jara.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: You think her name is Jara? [Wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Doug]

Doug: Tara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Mara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Dara. [Wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Audience?

[Cut to three bridesmaids]

Audience: Mara.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: I said Mara.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Yeah, but you didn’t know it.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Hey, Vince Blake, why do you do this game? What’s it all for? What do you want?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: In a word, chaos. [Cut to the stage] And that’s the game. No winner, I guess. But stick around because Doug’s our guest on another game show, “Does the Housekeeper Have a Son?”

Doug: No she doesn’t.

Vince Blight: He’s 16 years old. Good night.