Katie Sterack… Heidi Gardner
PJ Rube… Bowen Yang
Jacob Schneeb… Keegan-Michael Key
Danny Spooge… Kyle Mooney
Ted Vinegret… Andrew Dismukes
Lexi… Ego Nwodim
Michelle… Melissa Villaseñor
Mr. Miller… Pete Davidson[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: Live from the Brandy Melville ball room. It’s the Braxton high school prom red carpet.[Cut to Katie Sterack and PJ Rube. Katie Sterack is holding a crutch.]
PJ Rube: Hello and welcome to this year’s red carpet coverage from Tamar Braxton High senior prom. I’m thirsty junior PJ Rube.
Katie Sterack: And I’m Katie Sterack.
PJ Rube: Katie, what happened to your leg?
Katie Sterack: Oh, I was making out under the bleachers and they folded up on me.
PJ Rube: Rough. Well, here to give us the scoop on what’s happening inside prom is super senior Jacob Schneeb.[Cut to Jacob Schneeb.]
Jacob Schneeb: What’s up, guys? Schneeb here at the Annie Young Memorial chocolate fountain. She didn’t die. She moved.
PJ Rube: Now Schneeb, this is your third senior year because you’re in every club. But you just can’t pass pre-algebra.
Jacob Schneeb: Yeah, right. I do show choir, calligraphy, and I’m the only one strong enough to toss all the cheer leaders. So, there’s no time for class.
PJ Rube: Thanks, Schneeb. And I’m hearing we have our first arrival. It’s Danny Spooge and a mystery date who is out of his league.
Katie Sterack: Danny, congratulations on a date way hotter than you. Tell us, how did you bag?
Danny Spooge: She’s home schooled. So, she don’t know how hot she is.
PJ Rube: Home schooled. Okay. Then I got to ask. Hippie or crazy religious?
Chloe: Nothing crazy. Our bible is only eight pages and my uncle drew it.
PJ Rube: That’s insane. Schneeb, back to you.
Jacob Schneeb: Well, breaking news. I have a freshman at prom! Kid, tell us who you are and how the hell you’re here?
Ted Vinegret: I’m Ted Vinegret. I’m Katie Sterack4 and I met my date because she babysat me last year.
Jacob Schneeb: So, Ted, you are presenting tonight.
Ted Vinegret: What do you mean?
Jacob Schneeb: I can see your boner.
Ted Vinegret: Oh, sorry.
Jacob Schneeb: It’s fine. Enjoy the night. Back to you guys.
Katie Sterack: Okay. We’re here with a big group of popular kids. Where did you take pictures tonight?
Lexi: We lined up in front of my step mom’s huge TV. We made it look like a fireplace.
Chris: Then we piled into a nasty white Hummer limo. I poked my head out of the roof and just screamed.
Beck: Yes. First, we stopped for beautiful 4PM dinner at Red Robin. Tipped 12% because we ballers.
PJ Rube: Lexi, you look absolutely disgusting tonight.
Lexi: Thank you.
PJ Rube: What are you wearing?
PJ Rube: Who is it by?
PJ Rube: Okay. Can you explain this peekaboo moment here? [pointing at her dress]
Lexi: Oh! I don’t have a mom so no one’s honest with me.
Katie Sterack: Before you go. Any prom king prediction?
Beck: Me because I’m on lacrosse but I also did the plays.
Katie Sterack: Absolutely. Schnebe, what you got cooking?
Jacob Schneeb: Well, it doesn’t get any more prom than this. It’s two dorks who bang. Now, I got to tell you, there are a lot of dorks who bang, what makes you two special?
Aidy: Well, we met in stage crew, but then we discovered that we’re both in band.
Mikey: And yes, now we have full sex everyday.
Jacob Schneeb: Oh, wow. Congratulations. So, tell us about the ribbon you’re wearing. What is is raising awareness for?
Aidy: My mom’s ribbon store.
Jacob Schneeb: Oh, of course. Which reminds me, tonight’s prom is brought to you by Water Bottles! Put the alcohol in the bottle and say it’s water! Strapless bra, by the end of the night, your bra is a belt with a strapless bra! And of course, Hand Stuff, stay pure by doing Hand Stuff. Katie.
Katie Sterack: Okay. I’m being told that party bus has unloaded. Let’s see who’s just got in the prom.
PJ Rube: It’s Michelle Shugi. Michelle, you got a really intense spray tan. Are you worried this is a hate crime?
Michelle: No. I’m Puerto Rican. So, we in the clear.
PJ Rube: Quick moving, Shugi, because here comes Mr. Miller, the hot stuff who’s 23.[Mr. Miller walks in]
Katie Sterack: We heard you’re doing the SATs this year, is that true?
Mr. Miller: Yeah, or I might just put on Tokyo Drift.
Katie Sterack: Mr. Miller, I had a dream that you pushed me in the pool. How f’ed up is that?
Mr. Miller: Not that F. Anyway, I should head inside. I’m supposed to be the Chaperone.
Jacob Schneeb: Well, guys, I just got some terrible news. I passed pre-algebra and now I have to graduate.
Katie Sterack: Ah, Schneeb!
PJ Rube: We’re so sorry.
Jacob Schneeb: It’s okay. All I ask is…[singing] Don’t you forget about Schneeb