Kyles Holiday

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Punkie Johnson

Billie Eilish

Mikey Day

[Starts with Punkie and Aidy chatting at their office]

Aidy: I know it’s like what do I get my dad for Christmas?

Punkie: Buying presents is the worst.

Aidy: Yes, so stressful.

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Totally. And what’s up with Santas clothes? Like you might want to update that wardrobe. Right?

Aidy: Yeah. Hey, Kyle.

Kyle: Question for you. What are you all doing for Christmas? Should we do something together? That’d be kinda weird and cool.

Aidy: Oh, I mean, I’m going home.

Punkie: Yeah, this is family for me.

Kyle: Ah! Dope. Well, if things change, I’m just chilling over the break. So hit me up.

Aidy: Okay.

Kyle: God bless us. Everyone. Tiny Tom, or it’s not Tiny Tom– Thompson.

Aidy: No.

[Kyle walks away and looks back at Aidy and Punkie talking to each other. He feels lonely] [Cut to Bowen getting ready. Kyle walks to him]

Kyle: Bowen, my dastardly companion.

Bowen: Hey, Kyle.

Kyle: What you do for Xmas?

Bowen: Oh, my parents are flying in.

Kyle: Well, if the plane crashes or anything, I’ll just be in the city.So, hit me up.

Bowen: Jesus!

Kyle: Remember, don’t be naughty. Oh, oh!

[Kyle turns around and makes a sad face. He feels lonely] [Cut to Jacob writing his page. Kyle walks to him.]

Kyle: Jacob, coolest page ever. Hey, you get to spend Christmas with me. I know. I’m sort of an SNL vet. But I’m surprisingly down to hang with people like you.

Jacob: Oh, I actually can’t. I’m going upstate.

Kyle: But I’m on the cast.

[Kyle turns around and starts crying. He feels lonely]

Jacob: Are you crying?

Kyle: No, no, no. [sobbing] I was just thinking how cool it is that Santa does it all in one night? Guy is a monster.

[Kyle walks away] [singing]

Just another Christmas

[Billy Eilish joins]

Kyle and Billy: Alone

Billy: Wow. Kyle, you’re a great singer.

Kyle: I know. They don’t know how to use me on the show. And no one’s spending Christmas with. Even the Please Don’t Destroy guys said I shouldn’t be alive.

Billy: Oh! Sorry, man. But Christmas isn’t just about where you are on December 25. It’s about the love that surrounds you every day. I bet there’s a lot of Christmas Joy here at 30 Rock.

Kyle: Yeah. I guess you’re right.

Billy: So go ahead. Who brings Christmas joy into your life?

Kyle: Well, there’s Kenan Thompson. He still calls me Beck Bennett. I can tell that his heart is definitely in the right place. And no one’s better than Heidi and Ego. They’re so funny. They’ve got this really great bit going when they just don’t follow me on Instagram. Can’t forget Pete. You know it’s tough being the handsome guys on show. The tablets just won’t leave us alone. I guess everyone here brings me joy. Except maybe Mikey Day. I really don’t like him. I think he’s fake? I have a fantasy where I catch them on a ride at night alone. Sort of tie him up. I’m wearing a mask but I let them get a peek at who’s in charge.

[Cut to Kyle picturing him tying up Mikey]

Mikey: Kyle?

Kyle: You guessed it.

[Cut back to Kyle and Billie]

Kyle:  I throw him in the closet, kick them around a little bit. Pour some gasoline on him just to mess with him. And I go on his computer change all the Mikey’s in his scripts to Kyle’s and then look at me, I’m the star of the show. So yeah, to answer your question, it’s very joyful to be here at 30 Rock.

Billy: Holy fuck!

Kyle: Thanks for the help, Billy. And Merry Christmas.

[Kyle walks away. Mikey is walking by]

Oh, what’s up, Mikey? Whoa, cool shoes man.

Mikey: Thanks. Hey Billy, how’s it going?

Billy: Run. Quit the show. You’re not safe.

[Kyle is peeking at Mikey from the corner]

Male voice: Merry Christmas from Max Schat, Don Jr, flustered customer and all your favorite Kyle Mooney characters.

Kyle’s Transformation

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

John Mulaney

Justin Theroux

[Starts with Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooneyat the office]

Beck: Man, psyched for Mulaney this week.

Kyle: Yeah. Any idea what you’re working on?

Beck: Um, maybe Halloween wrap or Christmas wrap.

Kyle: Cool.

[John Mulaney knocks the door and walks in]

John: Hey, guys.

Beck: Hey, John.

Kyle: What’s up, man?

John: Um, I’m gonna write this strip club sketch where all the guys play male strippers. And I was just making sure that you, Beck, were okay with taking your shirt off.

Beck: Yeah. Of course. That sounds amazing.

Kyle: Yeah. Do- do you think you’ll be needing me for the sketch?

John: As like a awkward guy?

Kyle: I don’t know. As one of the dancers?

John: Oh, Kyle, I don’t know if you’re like, exactly built for for that.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kyle: Of course. Right.

Beck: Yeah. And whatever that is, [pointing at Kyle’s face] it might not work.

Kyle: [laughs lightly] Totally.

John: I mean it’s like [thinks hard]. Come on, Kyle.

[Kyle slowly starts hearing them in echos]

Beck: I mean, can you imagine if he was in it?

John: I mean that’d be like, have to just cut.

Beck: Yeah. Yeah.

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: So, it’s Mulaney week which is always a blast. And there are already so many amazing ideas. Unfortunately, I’m not always gonna be a part of those great ideas because I guess people think of me as one thing.

[Kyle walks by the hall. He peeks inside writer’s room.]

Male: Who should play the dork?

John: Uhh, definitely Kyle.

Male: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Obviously.

[Kyle starts remembering his past sketches where he played dork.] [Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: And I think it’s time for me to change that. Here we go.

[Cut to Beck walking to his office. Rock music is playing inside and guys are making noise. He knocks the door.]

Beck: Kyle, what the hell?

[Kyle opens the door. Their shared room office is filled with gym equipments and there are two trainers for Kyle in there.]

Kyle: Beck, sorry man. Must have got a little carried away. Come on in. [breathing heavy] I moved some stuff around. Hope that’s cool. [pointing at guy trainer] This is Justin. He is helping me to get into fighting shape.

Justin: Justin Theroux. Nice to meet you.

Kyle: [pointing at girl trainer] That’s Nadia. She’s my nutritionist. Or as we like to call her ‘she who will slap cookies out of my hand.’ Ha-ha-ha. I had to man.

Beck: Kyle, what the hell is this all about?

Kyle: The strip club sketch that Mulaney’s writing. I wanna be in it. And NBC said they’d fill the bill if I wanna train. So, I’m just trying to make it happen.

Beck: Okay, well, I mean I need to work.

Kyle: Of course, brother. Hey, me too. Ha-ha-ha. [Kyle plays rock music again] Come on, now! Here we go. Are you ready? [Kyle does the exercises making too much noise]

Justin: Three more!

Beck: It’s kinda’ hard to work.

[Cut to Kyle narrating. He looks jacked.]

Kyle: So, I’ve been hitting it pretty hard. I’ve gained 37 pounds of muscle in, let’s see here, two days. And I’m feeling like, “Get me in that strip club sketch.” But I do feel good. And it’s pretty crazy, you know. People are starting to treat me a little different around here.

[Cut to Kyle doing crossfit in the office hallway.]

Chris: Damn, Kyle looks jacked.

Aidy: I know. He’s so hot. He’s gonna be put in every comedy sketch.

[Kyle finishes his workout. Nadis lets him have a bite of his bread.] [Chloe Fineman approaches to Kyle]

Chloe: Hey, Kyle, you left one of your juices rotting on my desk.

Kyle: Sorry, Chloe. I’m such a spazz. But that’s just me, I guess. I love hiking and my family.

Chloe: Aww, Kyle. Hey, would you ever wanna–

Kyle: Have sex with each other?

Chloe: Well, I was gonna say grab a drink.

Kyle: Ah! I can’t drink anymore. But I can have sex with you before my 5 PM bedtime.

Chloe: Um, okay.

Kyle: Yeah. Let’s do it. I’m feeling pretty good.

Chloe: Oh!

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: Well, I put in the work, became less interesting. And now they’re gonna put me on the cover of SNL Magazine. So, what do you say we check in on that strip club sketch. [screams] Ah!

[Cut to Kyle in Lorne Michaels’ office.]

Lorne: So, Kyle. Everybody’s happy about the body. So, what’s next?

Kyle: Lorne, it’s been amazing awesome experience and for working with you. But I gotta know, am I get into that Mulaney strip club sketch?

Lorne: Oh, I know John. I can put in a call.

[Kyle walks to Lorne Michaels to shake hands]

Kyle: I appreciate it, big boss man.

Lorne: [trying to feel Kyle’s biceps] Can I?

Kyle: Please.

Lorne: Ouf!

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: Alright. We did it. I got in the sketch. [screaming] Ah!

[John walks to Kyle]

John: Oh, hey, Kyle.

Kyle: Hey.

John: Hey, big rewrite on the strip club sketch. I’ve been looking for you. It’s just gonna be a bunch of awkward guys now.

Kyle: Oh, okay.

John: So, we’re gonna lose you.

Kyle: Alright, got it.

John: And also, you’re fired from the show.

Kyle: Aw, man. Really?

John: Yeah.

Kyle: Awkward question, can I get your autograph?

John: Yeah, okay.

Kyle: [celebrating] Alright!

[Cut to SNL magazine with John Mulaney on the front page. It’s signed by him to Kyle.]