Cindi… Aidy Bryant
Kevin O’Leary… Beck Bennett
Barbara Corcoran… Kate McKinnon
Daymond John… Kenan Thompson
Mark Cuban… Taran Killam
Ibraham Al’Bagdadi… Kyle Mooney
Abdul Rakim… Chris Rock
[Starts with Shark Tank intro]
Announcer: Welcome back to the Shark Tank where hopeful entrepreneurs try to grow their business with investment from these self made millionaires. Before the break, Cindi from Tulsa tried to win over the two remaining sharks with her Breakfast Pastas.
[Cut to Cindi in the show]
Cindi: So, sharks. Whether it’s pancakes alfredo or spaghetti’s benedict, why not jazz up your morning with Cindi’s breakfast pastas and pancakes?
[Cut to the sharks]
Kevin O’Leary: Nausiating, I’m out.
[Cut to Kevin O’Leary and Barbara Corcoran]
Barbara Corcoran: I like your product. But the only thing I eat for breakfast is a single vitamin and two diet cokes. I’m out.
[Cut to Cindi]
Cindi: I am ruined.
Announcer: Cindi goes home with nothing. But will the sharks bite this time? Next in the tank, it’s Abdul and Ibri, with an idea they say will revolutionize the world.
Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Hello sharks. I am Ibraham Al’Bagdadi.
Abdul Rakim: And I am Abdul Rakim. And our organization is called ISIS.
Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: We started with a simple question. How do you read the world of the filthy western pig and the vile Jew?
Abdul Rakim: Now, just a few years later, our small hateful perversion of Islam has grown into a multinational brand.
Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: But there’s just one problem. ISIS is growing, TOO FAST. Our resources are too thin. And we need your expertise to help manage our growth.
Abdul Rakim: We are seeking 400 million American dollars in exchange for a Cindi% stake in our new kingdom. So, who is ready to invest in crushing the west?
[Cut to Mark Cuban]
Mark Cuban: Back up. You just gave yourself a evaluation of $Daymond John0 billion. How are you getting that number?
[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]
Abdul Rakim: Well, Mark Cuban, we are making $Mark Cuban million a day on stolen oil.
[Cut to Mark Cuban]
Mark Cuban: Wow. Now that is interesting.
[Cut to Kevin O’Leary and Barbara Corcoran]
Barbara Corcoran: Okay, first of all it’s taking a lot of courage to look you in the eye. And I like that about you. But here’s my problem honey, I’m hearing ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, but your pamplets say ISIL. You’re lacking unified brands.
Kevin O’Leary: Barbara’s right and I don’t need a pamplet. I need numbers. You say you’re growing fast. Show me.
[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]
Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: For you Mr. Wonderful, of course. Alwajj! [Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi, Abdul Rakim and a map]
Abdul Rakim: This map shows our land holdings.
Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: We now control this entire region of unusable land.
[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]
Kevin O’Leary: Okay, so what’s so special about your Islamic states? What’s stopping me from going out and doing the exact same thing?
[Cut to Daymond John]
Daymond John: Wait, wait, wait. Back up a minute. How have you managed to grow this fast?
[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]
Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Two things, Daymond. A crack social media team and good old fashioned, word of bullet.
Abdul Rakim: By the way Daymond, we are prepared to make your clothing brand Fubu the official retailer of the Islamic states.
[Cut to Daymond John]
Daymond John: I’m listening.
[Cut to Daymond John and Mark Cuban]
Mark Cuban: No, no. Hold on. Just a second, Daymond. When numbers seen too good to be true, they usually are. Genocidal regimes are very tricky business. I’ve been burned before. For that reason, I’m out.
[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi, Abdul Rakim and the other presenters. The other presenters are putting guns at Mark Cuban]
Abdul Rakim: Stay calm. Stay calm. Mark cuban, surely you can reach a deal with us. You can sign if you can sign Dirk Lewinsky for $25 million.
[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]
Barbara Corcoran: Okay, here’s where I’m at boys. We gotta talk about this logo. I mean, honestly guys, it looks like it was drawn in Microsoft Paint.
[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]
Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Barbara, we have heard this before. That’s why we kidnapped a graphic designer and chained him to an iMac. Take a look at the new Isis. Alwajj!
[They show the logo of ISIS. The logo has a chameleon.
[Cut to Daymond John]
Daymond John: Come on, man.
[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]
Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Funny gecko, yeah?
[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]
Kevin O’Leary: I’m sorry. It takes more than a logo to win Mr. Wonderful. I’m out.
[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]
Abdul Rakim: May you turn and burn to death with dogs.
[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]
Kevin O’Leary: That’s the fifth time I’ve heard that today.
[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]
Barbara Corcoran: You know what? I like you guys. You’re savvy. Your numbers are amazing. But there’s only one thing holing you back and that’s everything you stand for. I’m out.
[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]
Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: May you only have daughters]
[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]
Barbara Corcoran: You know, you remind me of the bad guys in the bible.
[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]
Abdul Rakim: Daymond, you’re our only hope.
[Cut to Daymond John]
Daymond John: Well, you know what? I knew I was going to make money with you guys the second you walked into the tank today.
[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]
Both: Yes?
[Cut to Daymond John]
Daymond John: Because that’s when I called homeland security to collect your $30 million bounty.
[Cut to everybody]
[Police enter the show]
Police: Freeze! Drop your weapons.
Barbara Corcoran: Nice played, Daymond.
Daymond John: Thank you very much.
Barbara Corcoran: Very good.