Ted… Mikey Day
Ego Nwodim
Chloe Fineman
Amber… Bowen Yang
Patron… Jennifer Lopez
Cecily Strong
Beck Bennett
Cora… Heidi Gardner
[Starts with few people stretching to work out]
Ted: So, this is Barry’s Bootcamp? Huh?
Ego: Yes. I come here all the time. It’s intense. But it’s fun.
Ted: Well, it’s an interesting first date.
Ego: Date? My mom is marrying your dad.
[Cut to Chloe]
Chloe: Okay. What’s good, Barry’s Bootcamp? Welcome to trainer audition. Today you will help decide who gets hired and who has to make the smoothies. Let’s go!
[Cut to the people working out]
Ted: We’re excited.
Ego: No, Ted. Be small.
[Cut to Amber working out]
Amber: Hey, hey, Barry’s Bootcamp, Ellis Island. My name is Amber. And I’m here because I’m not quick. OJ Simpson got caught because he gave up. Dumbass. All he had to do was keep driving. Like, I drive myself everyday to do better, be stronger and turn my penis into a bicep. Let’s go.
[Cut to the people working out]
Ted: Penis into a bicep? What is he talking about?
Ego: It’s boot camp. They’re trying to pump us up. Do the exercise.
[Cut to Patron working out]
Patron: My name is Patron and I am here to get your hatch snatched. When I was born, I couldn’t walk, couldn’t talk. My parents had to carry me everywhere. Pathetic. But I overcame all those obstacles and look at me today. Shredded, talking. You have to ask yourself, are you a ford? Or are you a Ferrari? I choose both. Vroom! Vroom! Let’s go.
[Cut to the people working out]
Ted: Where do you get those thingies?
Ego: You mean the weights? They’re next to you.
[Cut to Cecily working out]
Cecily: Pop on! Boot camp! I’m here to help you push yourselves. Just like I pushed my boyfriend to get a vasectomy. Now he only wears condom to be funny. Jealous? Come on. I want your blood, sweat, tears and little tooth.
[Cut to the people working out]
Ted: You know what? She was looking at me when she said tooth.
Ego: That’s because you are tooting, Ted? It’s thick, and there are no windows.
[Cut to Cecily]
Cecily: I think my sheer talent is enough to overcome them. Two years ago I was diagnosed as dyslexic. Let’s go!
[Cut to the people working out. Patrol walks in.]
Patron: It’s all about accountability, people. I’m going to hover by someone [Cut to Patrol staring at Ego] who’s being lazy as hell.
Ego: Me?
Patron: How do you think you get this way? I haven’t had a car since I was a baby.
[Cut to Beck working out]
Beck: Hello! I am beef! Let’s push through the pain. Have you ever been cheated on? It sucks. Just ask my girlfriend. I can’t stop. I won’t stop. Now, grab those kettle bells. Let’s go!
[Cut to the people working out]
Patron: Hop, oh god! Hop, oh god! Fupa in the air! and hop, oh god!
[Cut to Cora working]
Cora: Me now! My whole life, I want to be creative. Only one problem, I’m too stupid. But then I discovered Barry’s Bootcamp and I got toned and fit. And finally booked a role. That rule? Wife. My name? Cora. Let go.
[Amber walks in and Cora leaves]
Amber: Ding dong. Anybody home? Hey, I don’t let anything stop me. Just like my man Oscar Pistorius. No legs, no problem. He still murdered his girlfriend and a friend. Look, I’m all about results. Search results. I googled my dad every day. Where is he? Let’s go.
[Patrol walks in. Chloe leaves]
Patron: Let’s take it to the finish line. You can make your dreams come true. Mine did. The one where all my teeth fell out. A wise woman once said, “You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti? You want a Maserati? You’d better work, bitch!” That woman? Mother Teresa. Let’s go.
[Chloe, Amber, Beck, Cecily and Cora join in.]
Chloe: We did it! Congratulations!
Amber: Wow, we’re all getting hired?
Chloe: No. We’re done. She’s getting hired and you’re Mr. Smoothie.
Amber: Yeah, that makes sense.