Barry’s Bootcamp

Ted… Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Amber… Bowen Yang

Patron… Jennifer Lopez

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Cora… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with few people stretching to work out]

Ted: So, this is Barry’s Bootcamp? Huh?

Ego: Yes. I come here all the time. It’s intense. But it’s fun.

Ted: Well, it’s an interesting first date.

Ego: Date? My mom is marrying your dad.

[Cut to Chloe]

Chloe: Okay. What’s good, Barry’s Bootcamp? Welcome to trainer audition. Today you will help decide who gets hired and who has to make the smoothies. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: We’re excited.

Ego: No, Ted. Be small.

[Cut to Amber working out]

Amber: Hey, hey, Barry’s Bootcamp, Ellis Island. My name is Amber. And I’m here because I’m not quick. OJ Simpson got caught because he gave up. Dumbass. All he had to do was keep driving. Like, I drive myself everyday to do better, be stronger and turn my penis into a bicep. Let’s go.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: Penis into a bicep? What is he talking about?

Ego: It’s boot camp. They’re trying to pump us up. Do the exercise.

[Cut to Patron working out]

Patron: My name is Patron and I am here to get your hatch snatched. When I was born, I couldn’t walk, couldn’t talk. My parents had to carry me everywhere. Pathetic. But I overcame all those obstacles and look at me today. Shredded, talking. You have to ask yourself, are you a ford? Or are you a Ferrari? I choose both. Vroom! Vroom! Let’s go.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: Where do you get those thingies?

Ego: You mean the weights? They’re next to you.

[Cut to Cecily working out]

Cecily: Pop on! Boot camp! I’m here to help you push yourselves. Just like I pushed my boyfriend to get a vasectomy. Now he only wears condom to be funny. Jealous? Come on. I want your blood, sweat, tears and little tooth.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: You know what? She was looking at me when she said tooth.

Ego: That’s because you are tooting, Ted? It’s thick, and there are no windows.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I think my sheer talent is enough to overcome them. Two years ago I was diagnosed as dyslexic. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out. Patrol walks in.]

Patron: It’s all about accountability, people. I’m going to hover by someone [Cut to Patrol staring at Ego] who’s being lazy as hell.

Ego: Me?

Patron: How do you think you get this way? I haven’t had a car since I was a baby.

[Cut to Beck working out]

Beck: Hello! I am beef! Let’s push through the pain. Have you ever been cheated on? It sucks. Just ask my girlfriend. I can’t stop. I won’t stop. Now, grab those kettle bells. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out]

Patron: Hop, oh god! Hop, oh god! Fupa in the air! and hop, oh god!

[Cut to Cora working]

Cora: Me now! My whole life, I want to be creative. Only one problem, I’m too stupid. But then I discovered Barry’s Bootcamp and I got toned and fit. And finally booked a role. That rule? Wife. My name? Cora. Let go.

[Amber walks in and Cora leaves]

Amber: Ding dong. Anybody home? Hey, I don’t let anything stop me. Just like my man Oscar Pistorius. No legs, no problem. He still murdered his girlfriend and a friend. Look, I’m all about results. Search results. I googled my dad every day. Where is he? Let’s go.

[Patrol walks in. Chloe leaves]

Patron: Let’s take it to the finish line. You can make your dreams come true. Mine did. The one where all my teeth fell out. A wise woman once said, “You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti? You want a Maserati? You’d better work, bitch!” That woman? Mother Teresa. Let’s go.

[Chloe, Amber, Beck, Cecily and Cora join in.]

Chloe: We did it! Congratulations!

Amber: Wow, we’re all getting hired?

Chloe: No. We’re done. She’s getting hired and you’re Mr. Smoothie.

Amber: Yeah, that makes sense.

Chad & JLo

Jennifer Lopez

Chad… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Jennifer Lopez rehearsing her show at SNL stage.] [music playing] [Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Okay. That will work. Thanks guys. I’ll see you tonight. Can you leave my mic open? I’m going to work on some stuff by myself. Thanks, guys.

[lights turned off] [singing]

All eyes on me, but my eyes on you

[sound disturbance] [Jennifer Lopez turns back]


[Cut to Chad trying to unwire his guitar jack]

Chad: What up?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Oh, it’s you. You’re that roadie. You know, I’ve been meaning to ask. What is your name?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Chad.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Chad. Nice to put a name to that handsome face.

[Jennifer Lopez and Chad are staring at each other] [Cut to Chad]

Chad: Who are you?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Jennifer Lopez.

Chad: Okay.

Jennifer Lopez: Yeah. Sing here. [Cut to Jennifer Lopez and Chad] Did you hear me singing?

Chad: Yeah.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Did you like what you heard?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: No.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: God! That is so refreshing. You know, I appreciate your honesty. Since we’re being honest, I have a little confession. Ever since I first saw you, I haven’t been able to get you out of my – [sound disturbance] [cut to Chad connecting his guitar not listening to Jennifer Lopez]


Chad: What up?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Can you not do that now? I’m trying to talk to you.

[Cut to Chad.]

Chad: Oh, okay. [Chad throws the guitar away and walks towards Jennifer Lopez] [Cut to Jennifer Lopez Chad]

Jennifer Lopez: You know, I shouldn’t have these feelings for you, Chad. I just got engaged.

Chad: Congrats.

Jennifer Lopez: And I’m in love with Alex.

Chad: Who that?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Rodriguez. A-Rod.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Heh-heh, Rod.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: What more could a girl want. He was a Yankee.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Chad:  Heh, yank.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez turns back and continues speaking]

Jennifer Lopez: Part of me just want to say screw and it make crazy love to you on the stage right here.

[Cut to chad naked on the stage when Jennifer Lopez is not looking]

Chad: Sick.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: But, I can’t.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Okay. [Chad wears his clothes] [Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: I’m sorry, Chad. Is this making you uncomfortable?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: I’m good.

Jennifer Lopez: It’s crazy, we just met but I feel like you see me. [Cut to Jennifer Lopez and Chad] It’s funny, when you’re up here on stage in front of thousands of people screaming you name, its easy to get lost in it.

[Chad falls off the stage]

Chad! Are you all right?

Chad: I’m good.

[Jennifer Lopez pulls Chad back to the stage laughing]

Jennifer Lopez: Did you fall off the stage just to make me laugh?

Chad: No.

Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, right. Flirt. [Chad farts] You know, I’ve seen you watching me dance during my show. I’ve seen you looking at my—

[Cut to and Chad]

Chad: Tities?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: You’re bad, Chad. Do you want to dance?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Okay. [Chad holds a chair in front of him and starts dancing by himself]

Jennifer Lopez: No, I mean slow dance.

[Chad slows down but still is dancing by himself] [Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Oh, god! You’re too much. Come here.

[Chad walks near Jennifer Lopez] [They are dancing] [Chad burps]

Somebody had Doritos.

[Chad’s hand is full of sauce and he is holding Jennifer Lopez on her waist]

Now where were we?

[Jennifer Lopez moves forward to kiss Chad]

Alex: Jen?

Jennifer Lopez: Alex! This is my new choreographer.

Chad: No, I’m not.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: I hope you’re happy.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez and Chad]

Jennifer Lopez: Alex, wait. Chad, I have to go after him.

Chad: Okay.

Jennifer Lopez: And I think you should leave the tour. Goodbye, Chad.

Chad: Goodbye, J-Lo.

DaBaby BOP (Live)

[Starts with Jennifer Lopez announcing DaBaby’s live performance]

Jennifer Lopez: Ladies and gentlemen, DaBaby.

[Cheers and applause] [music playing]

Announcer: SNL, I’ll go for the hottest young DJ in the world, DJ Kid, right? I got a special guest with me, SNL. Let me introduce you to my brother, DaBaby. One, two, one, two, three!

Let’s go, hah

I needed some shit with some bop in it (let’s go)
I flew past the whip with that blunt in my mouth
Watch the swervin’, that whip had a cop in it (woo)
My girl got good kitties, fly her ‘cross the country
I finish the show and I hop in it
I got me a milli’, I did it legit-ly
I’m still with the– I’m a hot– (hot)

Oh, you asking for pictures with –? (huh?)
What’s your name? Get the — out the spot, 
Tryna figure which deal I’ma take (uh-huh)
I woke up, couple mil’ on my plate (let’s eat)
I’m investing in real and estate (uh-huh)
I just went gave my mama a hundred (a hundred)
Probably won’t hear me open my mouth ‘less you hearin’ me talkin’ ’bout finding some money (let’s go)
As soon as I found it, I flipped that (flip)
I’m a little bit different, they get it (they dig)
Know I’m stiff on a — and she dig it
Tryna find out why Baby ain’t all in her mentions (hah)
No, she ain’t get no DM from me (bitch)
This rich nigga –, it ain’t free
She be throwin’ that –, yeah, she good at it
Turn around when we –, make her look at it (uh, she like, hah)

I needed some shit with some bop in it (let’s go)
I flew past the whip with that blunt in my mouth
Watch the swervin’, that whip had a cop in it (woo, okay)
My girl got good kittie, fly her ‘cross the country
I finish the show and I hop in it (yeah)
I got me a milli’, I did it legit-ly
I’m still with the –, I’m a hot — (hot, let’s go)

I’m unorthodox than a —
Ayy, when you gon’ switch the flow? I thought you’d never ask
— ain’t dissin’ with me
And ain’t ’bout what the — they be rappin’ ’bout with they lil’ scary — (hah)
But to each his own, — (huh)
If you like it, I love it, no biggie (no big)
That boy say he get money, oh, really?
How much they just cut you a check for? A milli’
I’m going back to Cali like Biggie (go back)
‘Bout to go get a pound just to smoke (I smoke)
They told me to come work on my album
I’m tryna go find out the price on a boat (okay)
My lil’ — act like Megan Thee Stallion
She ghetto and nasty, she drivin’ the boat (drive the boat)
All this shit that they makin’ be boring
Play me something to bop while I ride with the pole
Here you go (uh, oh, hah, okay)I needed some shit with some bop in it (let’s go)
I flew past the whip with that blunt in my mouth
Watch the swervin’, that whip had a cop in it (woo)
My girl got good kittie, fly her ‘cross the country
I finish the show and I hop in it
I got me a milli’, I did it legit-ly
I’m still with the –, I’m a hot — (I’m hot)

Announcer: Wait a minute. [Jabbawockeez come in] Is the the– DaBaby partner, Jabbawockeez! Oh, my god! I can’t believe this. Look at them. They got the magic. Ay, SNL, sing this!

DaBaby: I needed some shit with some bop in it (okay, let’s go)
I flew past the whip with that blunt in my mouth
Watch the swervin’, that whip had a cop in it (woo)
My girl got good kittie, fly her ‘cross the country
I finish the show and I hop in it
I got me a milli’, I did it legit-ly
I’m still with the –, I’m a hot — (I’m hot)

Oh, you asking for pictures with –?
What’s your name? Get the fuck out the spot, — (get the fuck)
Tryna figure which deal I’ma take (uh-huh)
I woke up, couple mil’ on my plate

[music stops] [cheers and applause]

DaBaby Suge (Live)

[Starts with Jennifer Lopez announcing DaBaby’s live performance]

Jennifer Lopez: Once again, DaBaby!

[cheers and applause] [music playing]

Announcer: Young dollar baby entertainment. Oh!

DaBaby: Pack in the mail, it’s gone (Uh)
She like how I smell, cologne (Yeah)
I just signed a deal, I’m on
Yeah, yeah
I go where I want
Good, good
Play if you want, let’s do it (Ha)
I’m a young CEO, Suge (Yeah)
Yeah, yeah

The first nigga play, I’ma body a — (Ha)
I just checked my balance
I’ll probably pull up to your hood and come buy me a — (No cap)
You know that your ho told you that — crazy
Don’t think that she lied to you, — (Bitch)
Get caught with your ho when I’m poppin’ ’em both
Now they high just like Bobby and Whitney (Haa)
Say I’m the goat, act like I don’t know
But fuck it, I’m obviously winnin’
Don’t make me go hit the bank and take out a hundred
To show you our pockets are different (Ha)
I’m out with your — and I only want knowledge
She got a lil’ mileage, I’m chillin’ (Uh)
You disrespect me and I’ll beat your —  up
All in front of your potnas and children (Ahh, ahh)
I’m the type to let a — think that I’m broke
Until I pop out with a million (I pop)
Take 20K and put that on your head
And make one of your partners come kill you (Yeah)
Say he fuckin’ with me then he gotta grow up
‘Cause this — gotta be kiddin’ (Kiddin’)
This shit, it can’t fit in my pocket
I got it, like I hit the lottery, — (Hot, hot, hot)
Opp, I’ll slap the shit out a —
No talkin’, I don’t like to argue with — (I don’t)
Ain’t gon’ be no more laughin’
You see me whip out guns, I’m gon’ be the ‘shot me a — (No cap)
I don’t follow no women on IG
But all of your women, they follow a — (Ha)
And that lil’ — ain’t gon’ shoot shit with that gun
He just pull it out in his pictures (Bitch, uh)Hah
Pack in the mail, it’s gone (Uh)
She like how I smell, cologne (Yeah)
I just signed a deal, I’m on
Yeah, yeah
I go where I want
Good, good
Play if you want, let’s do it (Ha)
I’m a young CEO, Suge (Yeah)
Yeah, yeah
Pack in the mail, it’s gone (Uh)
She like how I smell, cologne (Yeah)
I just signed a deal, I’m on
Yeah, yeah
I go where I want
Good, good
Play if you want, let’s do it (Ha)
I’m a young CEO, Suge (Yeah)
Yeah, yeah

Talkin’ ’bout, “– I’m gon’ pop that” (Pop)
Got like thirty-two thousand in one of my pockets
The other one, that’s where the Glock at (Glock)
You — wanna be internet gangster
Man, tell all these little — stop that (Ha)
Beat and burnt me a — in front of the store
Where your mammy and grandmama shop at
Hopped out on a whole other wave from these —
Let’s see one of you little — top that
I will turn a — into a convertible
Push me a lil’ — top back (Vroom)
Her boyfriend be hatin’ and callin’ her groupie
Just ’cause she like all my music (Ha)
She’ll send me a text and then delete the message
He tryna find out, it’s confusin’
I don’t know what these — is thinkin’ about
Use the brain in your head ‘fore you lose it (Bitch)
I’ll pull up after school and I’ll teach her some shit
Tell your bro I’m a motherfuckin’ tutor
‘Member I used to cheat off of pretty — test
All the teachers, they thought I was stupid (Uh huh)
Was expectin’ the box to pull up on the truck
Man, this — pulled up on a scooter (The what?)

Pack in the mail, it’s gone (Uh)
She like how I smell, cologne (Yeah)
I just signed a deal, I’m on
Yeah, yeah
I go where I want
Good, good
Play if you want, let’s do it (Ha)
I’m a young CEO, Suge (Yeah)
Yeah, yeah
Pack in the mail, it’s gone (Uh)
She like how I smell, cologne (Yeah)
I just signed a deal, I’m on
Yeah, yeah
I go where I want
Good, good
Play if you want, let’s do it (Ha)
I’m a young CEO, Suge (Yeah)
Yeah, yeah

[music stops] [cheers and applause]

Hip-Hop Carolers

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Sandra… Heidi Gardner

Jennifer Lopez

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson


[Starts with three people in a Christmas decorated house]

Kyle: Yay, that gingerbread house looks amazing.

Alex:  Uh-huh, our best one yet, pal.

Heidi: All right, who’s ready for dinner?

[door knocking]

Alex: Huh, are we expecting someone?

Heidi: Ah! You know what? It is probably those adorable kids who come around singing Christmas carols every year.

[door knocking]

Alex: Wow! Anxious little guys.

[Alex opens the door]

Jennifer: Merry Christmas.

Chris: May we enter?

Alex: Wait, what?

[four unknown people enter the house]

Alex: Um, Sandra, [cut to everybody] are these the Carolers you were referring to?

Heidi: Obviously not.

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Kyle: Are you guys going to rob us?

[Cut to the Christmas carolers] Jennifer: No. We’re not robbers. We’re carolers.

Speaker 6: Hip hop carolers. Specially late 90s, early 2000s.

Chris: Yeah! Groups like Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, The Fugees, and City High.

Pete: Plus Christmas.

Chris: Now, I’m reading the room right now and I got the feeling some people don’t know who in the hell City High is.

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi confused]

Jennifer: But they ‘bout to know. [cut to the carolers] Hit it.

[music playing]

Speaker 6: Now, this song is about one very special Christmas boy.

[The carolers are singing about Home Alone movie]

Chris: What do you think about that?

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi confused]

Alex: Am, I think you set up the song like it was going to be Jesus, but that was was about Kevin McAllister in Home Alone.

[Cut to the carolers]

Speaker 6: Right! My man gets it!

Pete: Donations! Donations! [Pete walks forward] [Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Heidi: Just give them some money so they go away.

Alex: Sure, sure. Guys, that was dynamite. [Cut to everybody] Here’s 20 bucks. Okay?

Jennifer: We don’t do it for the money. [Cut to the carolers] We’ll take it though.

Chris: And to thank you, we’re going to give you another Christmas carol. Hit it!

[music playing] [The carolers are singing about Home Alone movie] [music stops]

Pete: Donations! Donations!

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Alex: Nah! I think you’re all set. Great job. Merry Christmas.

[Cut to the carolers]

Pete: Hey, don’t worry. We’re leaving.

Jennifer: After one more Christmas carol.

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Kyle: None of these are Christmas carols.

[cut to carolers] [music playing] [The carolers are singing randomly] [Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi confused]

Heidi: Okay, no! Okay! [music stops] No! We’re not going to do this, alright? You guys did not even rehearse this one.

Alex: Hmm. Yeah, guys. Time to go.

[cut to carolers]

Jennifer: Most definitely.

Chris: Yo! DaBaby, you ready?

[Cut to everybody] [DaBaby walks from the inside of the house with a black baggage]

DaBaby: Yeah, what’s up? I’m ready.

Alex: Sorry, who the hell is this?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: This is my boy, DaBaby. He’s been robbin yáll while we been caroling.

Kyle: You said you weren’t robbers.

Chris: We didn’t He did, for us!

[Cut to DaBaby]

DaBaby: Yeah, I’m like Robinhood. I rob the rich, and take it back to the hood.

Chris: Merry Christmas, y’all!

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Merry Christmas!

[the carolers leave]

Speaker 6: Hey, can I use yáll bathroom real quick?

Heidi: No. But it’s Christmas!


Gino’s girlfriend… Jennifer Lopez

Cousin… Melissa Villaseñor

Uncle Johnny… Alex Moffat

[Starts with a girl wearing a bangle sized earring]

Gino’s girlfriend: Glittering. Sparkly. Circles. Those are how you make a hoop.

[Cut to Gino’s girlfriend and her cousin in Hoops store]

Hi. I’m Geno’s girlfriend.

Cousin: And I’m her cousin.

Gino’s girlfriend: Do you need an earring that says, “I fight other women?”

Cousin: Do you want to wear a bracelet but on your sides of your head?

Gino’s girlfriend: Then you need hoops from our store called HOOPS.

Cousin: Located next to the bagel store that caught on fire.

Gino’s girlfriend: Our HOOPS are the highest quality things you’re ever going to see.

Cousin: Made from 100% metal.

Gino’s girlfriend: So luxurious, they’ll turn your ears the color of money.

Cousin: We’ve got hoops for every occasion.

Gino’s girlfriend: Birthday dinner.

Cousin: Anniversary trip.

Gino’s girlfriend: Ex-boyfriend’s wedding.

Cousin: Woman on the street interview about subway problems.

Gino’s girlfriend: Confronting Barbara.

Cousin: Accusing Barbara.

Gino’s girlfriend: Calling back to Barbara.

Cousin: And of course, Saturday mass. Show off your personality with a customized hoop.

Gino’s girlfriend: You can put any word on a hoop. Your name.

Cousin: Not your name.

Gino’s girlfriend: XOXO.

Cousin: Daddy’s little girl.

Gino’s girlfriend: Daddy’s big bitch.

Cousin: Diabetic.

Gino’s girlfriend: Or your favorite designer like Versushi.

Cousin: Couch.

Gino’s girlfriend: DKNYPD,

Cousin: And Vallengina.

[Uncle Johnny walks in] Uncle Johnny: Hey, hey, hey. Hello, my beautiful girls.

Gino’s girlfriend: Hi.

[Uncle Johnny gives kiss to both Gino’s girlfriend and Cousin]

Gino’s girlfriend:  This is our uncle Johnny.

Cousin: He brings us the hoops from – where do they come from again?

Uncle Johnny: Don’t worry about it. Hey, you know what? There’s more where that came from. God, I wish your daddy was dead so could I walk you both down the aisle to me.

Cousin: Thanks, uncle Johnny.

Gino’s girlfriend: Thanks, uncle Johnny.

[Uncle Johnny leaves]

Are they made of real gold? Sure. Why not?

Cousin: Do you still feel like “I can’t wear hoops?”

Gino’s girlfriend: Don’t be stupid. Hoop earrings go with everything. Fur coat.

Cousin: PJs.

Gino’s girlfriend: Wedding dress.

Cousin: Communion dress.

Gino’s girlfriend: Tiger stripes.

Cousin: Zebra skins.

Gino’s girlfriend: And bubble bath.

Cousin: Do you under dress for an exclusive event like a christening?

Gino’s girlfriend: Yeah. Do you look like garbage a little bit and wish you didn’t?

Cousin: Go, get some hoops.

Gino’s girlfriend: Put on hoops and people will think, “She looks nice.” Like a rapper’s accountant.

Cousin: Thanks, hoops.

Gino’s girlfriend: Let your ear lobes get married to your shoulder.

Cousin: Give your ear a promise ring, and that promise is, “This is gonna get ripped off by a baby.”

Gino’s girlfriend: Oh! Very important! Don’t hold a baby with these. Babies love hoops and they are very grabbing people.

Cousin: Speaking of babies–

Gino’s girlfriend: When you look at your baby daughter, do you think, “How could I respect you?”

Cousin: Does your baby look weak?

Gino’s girlfriend: You already know.

Both: Give her hoops.

Cousin: What’s your baby going to take out before a fight? Hoops.

Gino’s girlfriend: So come on down to the hoops. You know what they say.

Both: The bigger the hoops, it hurts more.

Announcer: Located, you know what, right around where Dino works. I think.

Jennifer Lopez’s Unbelievable Year Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jennifer Lopez!

[music playing] [cheers and applause] [Jennifer Lopez walks in the door and to the stage]

Jennifer Lopez: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much. I love being in this city this time of the year because of the great New York holiday traditions. Like people lining up to see the Rockefeller Christmas tree, and New Yorkers gently shoving those same people out of the way so they can get to work, yeah. But Christmas is such an important time to me, because it really makes you look back at the past year. And think about all the things you’re thankful for. And some people are like, “That’s not Christmas. That’s thanksgiving.” To them I say, “No. Shut up.” Okay. Because this year I gotta be honest, I have been so blessed. First off, I got what every girl from the Bronx dreams of. Proposed to by a Yankee. I had the biggest movie opening I’ve ever had, that included a lap dance from Cardi B. I went on to a sold out tour. I slayed the MET GALA and that’s not a brag. A doctor diagnosed it on the spot as a fourth degree slay. I’m about to perform in the super bowl halftime show. And I walked the runway in Milan for the first time wearing a dress I wore 20 years ago. Some people said I look better now than I did then. I’m not bragging. That’s just—you know, gossip. What else? Oh, yeah. I had a big birthday. I turned 50.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Beck Bennett sitting with the audience]

Beck Bennett: Did she say she’s 50?

[Beck Bennett’s head blows up like a balloon] [Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Wow! That man’s head exploded. I’m sorry. But seriously, what I really want to say to everyone watching out there is that the best is yet to come. People try to write you off. It’s all BS. None of us have a shelf life. I mean, look at me. They tried to count me out so many times. But I’m still here. I’m like a little roach, you know. You think I’m gone for good, maybe you haven’t seen me in a few months, but then you go to get a glass of water in the middle of the night and boom, I’ve got an album. Do you want to sing a little song with me?

[music playing] [cheers and applause]

You better watch out

you better not cry

you better not pout

I’m telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

he’s making a list

checking it twice

gonna find out

who’s naughty or nice

Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you’re sleeping

he knows when you’re awake

He knows if you’ve been bad or good

so be good for Goodness sake

you better watch out

you better not cry

you better not pout

I’m telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town \

Let me get some rockettes out here?

[rockettes come in and dance with Jennifer Lopez]

Come on! It ain’t Christmas without the rockettes. Whoo!

Santa Claus is coming

Santa Claus is coming

Santa Claus is coming to town

[music stops]

Merry Christmas! We’ve got an amazing show. DaBaby is here! So stick around. We’ll be right back.


Man… Kyle Mooney

Woman… Jennifer Lopez

[Starts with a man trying to sleep at night]

Man: Do you ever find yourself in this situation? It’s the middle of the night and you’ve to go to the bathroom. But it’s so cold. You’ré tired. And the toilet seems just too far away. Are you going to try hold in it for the rest of the night?

[The man is looking at the toilet and nodding]

Well, you don’t have to anymore.

[Cut to the man introducing the product]

Introducing, Potty PM. Now, you can do your business while staying nestled under your covers. And the only place you’ll be going is dreamland. Potty PM technology is so easy to use. Just clamp our patented discharge nozzle to your toilet seat. Walk the Potty PM hose back into the bedroom. Place your privates into the Potty PM feeder. Buckle up and tuck yourself in for a good night’s sleep. When it’s that time, all you have to do is let it flow. Potty PM, it’s that easy.

[A woman joins the man]

Woman: And how does it work for women?

Man: What’s that?

Woman: Is that also for women?

Man: Yeah.

Woman: Good, ‘cause we have to go in the middle of the night, too. So how does it work?

[Cut to the man]

Man: You put the tube inside of your—

Woman: Inside?

[Cut to the man and woman]

Man: Isn’t there like a flap so you could like—

Woman: Excuse me?

Man: Is it the— clitoris?

Woman: What?

Man: The clitoris?

Woman: No, urine comes out of the urethra. You have one, too.

Man: Oh, yes, now I remember. Yes, the Potty PM for women would work, like, you, like, tie it. And then—because butt has nothing to do with it, right? Wait, how many holes does the girl have again?

Woman: You know what?> Maybe Potty PM is just something for guys.

Man: That’s okay?

Woman: Yeah! It’s fine.

Man: Potty PM. It’s just for guys. And girls can sleep on the toilet.

Surprise Home Makeover

Becker Sheek… Kenan Thompson

Jacqueline Shat… Jennifer Lopez

Matt Shat… Mikey Day

Carpenter Steve… Beck Bennett

Designer Riley… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Surprise Home Makeover intro]

Announcer: HGTV’s Surprise Home Makeover, holiday edition. Ho, ho, yay!

[Cut to the show host]

Becker Sheek: Hey there, Becker Sheek here. Outside the home of Matt and Jacqueline Shats, a husband and wife who entered and won a surprise home makeover. Let’s go surprise them.

[Becker Sheek knocks the door] [The door opens] [Matt and Jacqueline Shats walks out]

Jacqueline Shat: Oh, my god, you’re Becker Sheek.

Becker Sheer: That’s right. In the flesh! I’m looking for Matt and Jacqueline because they’ve just won a home makeover.

Jacqueline Shat: What? Oh, my god! That’s me! I’m Jacqueline. Is your husband home?

Matt Shat: Yes.

Becker Sheer: Could you go get him, sir?

Jacqueline Shat: This is him. This is my husband.

Matt Shat: Hi, I’m Matt. Such a big fan, man.

Becker Sheer: This man is the man that you are married to?

Jacqueline Shat: Yes. I cannot believe that we won. My mind is blown right now.

Becker Sheer: Yes, that makes two of us. Just so I’m clear, you two are married.

Jacqueline Shat: Last time I checked.

Becker Sheer: Would you check again?

Jacqueline Shat: When I asked you to marry me, you said yes, right?

[Matt Shat giggles]

Becker Sheer: You asked him?

Matt Shat: Yes. And on the third time I finally said yes.

Becker Sheer: Third time? You know what, lets just go inside. How about we go inside. Come on folks.

[They all walk in the house]

Matt Shat: Oh my god.

Jacqueline Shat: This is crazy.

Matt Shat: I cannot believe this is happening to me. Like, I never get lucky like this.

Becker Sheer: Alright. I would say you get very lucky.

Jacqueline Shat: Oh, sorry about the mess. We weren’t expecting company Matt’s smurf stuff is everywhere.

Becker Sheer: He’s into smurfs! I’m sorry.

Matt Shat: I smurfing love them!

Becker Sheer: “Surprise home makeover.” Living up to it’s name today. Joining is now via satellite. From our workshop in Texas is one of our elves.

[Carpenter Steve appears on a small box at left bottom corner.] Carpenter Steve: Hey, Matt and Jacqueline.

Matt Shat: Carpernter Steve!

Jacqueline Shat: Oh, my god! We love Carpenter Steve! Hi!

Becker Sheer: Alright, Steve, tell us what you have planned for their renovation.

[Cut to Carpenter Steve]

Carpenter Steve: Well, Becker, I think accessibility is they key. We need to make it safe and easy for Jacqueline to get around the house since she’s visually impaired.

[Cut to the Shats and Carpenter Steve in split screens]

Jacqueline Shat: I’m not blind, Carpenter Steve.

Carpenter Steve: Oh, no? So what is it then? A green card thing?

Jacqueline Shat: Green card? No, no, we were both born here.

Matt Shat: Yes, you’re looking at two plain old born Americans.

Carpenter Steve: I just see one.

Carpenter Steve: What’s that?

[Becker Sheer interferes]

Becker Sheer: Okay. Why don’t we check back in with carpenter Steve a little later. Let’s talk about the biggest problem with your current house, storage.

Jacqueline Shat: Yes, we have no closet space. Matt, show them where you have to keep your roller blades.

Matt Shat: Oh, yeah! I have to keep my sports stuff here.

[Matt Shat tries to reach his roller blade on the top of the shelf. His tattoo on his lower back is showing.]

Becker Sheer: Okay, wait a minute. Oh, my god! America, Matt Shat has a “SMURF LIFE” tramp stamp. Oh, my god. It’s a full Smurf. What is wrong with you, man?

Matt Shat: I konw, I know. I’m embarrassed. I should have got papa smurf.

Becker Sheer: If I may ask, what do you do for living Jacqueline?

Jacqueline Shat: I do what Amalclooney does.

Becker Sheer: Oh, so human rights lawyer. And you, Matt?

Matt Shat: Um, right now, I have a lot of irons in the fire–

Becker Sheer: So, unemployed?

Matt Shat: Yes.

Becker Sheer: Yes, okay. If you’re just tuning in, I’m here with makeover winners Jacqueline, a human rights lawyer, bronze goddess and her husband by choice, Matt Shat, an unemployed smurf man.

Jacqueline Shat: I still can’t believe we won.

Matt Shat: It’s smurfing crazy!

Becker Sheer: Well, Shats, somebody special would like to say hello. Everyone’s favorite interior decorator, designer Riley!

[Designer Riley walks in with a reindeer nose]

Designer Riley: Hey, gang, how is it glowing?

Jacqueline Shat: Oh, my god! Designer Riley in my house right now.

Becker Sheer: Designer Riley, you’ve seen the Shat’s contest submission and I know you’ve got some ideas.

Designer Riley: We’ve got a real fixer upper on our hands here but I think we start with a different hair cut for sure.

Becker Sheer: Sorry, Riley, I meant the house.

Designer Riley: Oh, open concept, shiplap, the same stuff we always do.

Jacqueline Shat: Open concept. Kind of like our marriage.

Matt Shat: Oh, my god. Baby, come on! That’s private.

Becker Sheer: That’s it! That’s why you two are together. He lets you step out.

Jacqueline Shat: Me? Oh, no, never. But he’s got needs that I can’t always meet, you know? You can’t keep a stallion in the stable.

Designer Riley: I’m sorry. I have to do this. [Designer Riley feels Matt Shat’s penis] Nope, he’s totally average. Average?

Becker Sheer: Average? It’s average! Oh, no! I think I smell burnt toast, I think I might be having – a damn sure smurf. Sorry. We’ll be right back. What is wrong with you?

The Corporal

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Jennifer Lopez

The corporal… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a show’s intro]

Announcer: Now we return to 1955. What do you figure is going on in that house?

[Cut to two women grooming each other]

Aidy: Well, sister, today is the day.

Kate: Yes. The corporal is coming for a visit to pick a wife.

Aidy: Yes. That’s right. He’s going to pick between us sisters, whoever is the most beautiful.

Kate: Well, we know he’ll take me because I’m the prettiest sister.

Aidy: No, I’m the prettiest sister.

[Third sister comes in]

Jennifer: Sisters. Did I miss the corporal?

Aidy and Kate: [yelling] No, get back in the room!

Jennifer: You’ll tell me when he’s here, right?

Aidy and Kate: Absolutely.

Jennifer: Well, I hope he likes me. Why do we keep all these mirrors covered? I wish I knew what I looked like.

Aidy: No, you don’t. You look like a toad.

Kate: Yes. Like a stinky man foot.

Aidy: Yes, look. We have a photograph of you.

[Aidy shows a horrible drawing of a stick-person]

Jennifer: Oh, that’s me?

Aidy: Yes, this is the best one we’ve got.

Kate: Yes, now go back upstairs.

Jennifer: You’re so good to me.

[Jennifer leaves]

Aidy: Seeing her for some reason, makes me want to put on a lot of make-up.

Kate: Me as well.

Aidy: Fine!

[Aidy and Kate walks to the mirror and starts putting on some makeup]

Kate: Here we are. I’ll put on some rouge to impress the corporal.

Aidy: Ah! Well, so will I. He’ll have no choice but to find me gorgeous.

Kate: Yes. Then I’ll put on more. I’ll be so pink he’ll have to make me his new wife.

Aidy: Well sister, you look stressed. Here, I made you a drink.

Kate: Why, that’s a cup of pills.

Aidy: Ah, so it is.

Kate: Oh, you just reminded me. Cartier sent a necklace for you. OH. Here, try this on. [It’s a rope people use for hanging to take their lives]

Aidy: Why, that’s a rope.

Kate: Oh, silly me.

Aidy: Well, sister, you have some lipstick on your teeth. Here, I’ll get it for you. [Aidy points a gun at Kate]

Kate: That’s a shot gun. Oh, well, so it is. I thought it was a Q-tip.

[Cut to the third sister walking in]

Jennifer: Sisters! I heard a commotion. Has the corporal arrived?

Aidy and Kate: Get back in the room!

Jennifer: Please, can’t I stay? I’ve never seen a man. Can’t I have a peek?

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: What do you think?

Aidy: Well, we can’t have her barging in. Let’s keep her close but keep her hidden.

Kate: Right, right.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Sister, you can stay but you have to be a coat rack.

Jennifer: Well, of course. Because of how ugly I am. Thanks for reminding me. I’ll be a coat rack. Like this.

[Jennifer poses with her hands behind her head.]

Aidy and Kate: No, no.

Kate: That’s too ugly. Wroof! Is there a dog in here?

Aidy: Yeah, that won’t do. I know, we’ll put you in the bird cage.

Jennifer: Yes. Good idea. [Jennifer walks in the big bird’s cage herself] While I’m in here, I’ll make myself useful and polish the bars.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy and Kate: No. no. no.

Aidy: The corporal would hate that.

Kate: We can’t have her move.

Aidy: I know, it’s too damn hot when she moves.

Kate: Yes! Right.

Aidy: Let’s tie her to the bed.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Yes. Tie my hands above my head and make sure my feet are far apart so I can’t untie with my toes.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy:  Okay, you know what? Hearing that out loud, that sounds ugly.

Kate: Right, right. Maybe grunt a lot so he knows you’re a toad.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Oh, good idea. Good idea. [Jennifer starts moaning] Oh! Oh! OH! OH!

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy: Okay, men hate that. And even I hate that a little bit.

Kate: She needs to be silent.

Jennifer: Good idea. [Cut to Jennifer] Maybe—maybe you should stuff a big sausage in my mouth.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: That feels like something.

Aidy: Yes. Sister, try to hide her is making it harder. You’re right. We need to take care of her.

Kate: Sister, listen, if you want to meet the corporal, you’ll need to know how to kiss.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Wait! Do you think he’d want to kiss me? A girl with a deadly shellfish allergy?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Well, that’s why you have to practice on this man. [Aidy gives Jennifer a lobster]

Jennifer: So, that’s what a man looks like?

Kate: Yes, They’re small, and they’re lobsters.

Jennifer: Okay. Hello. [Jennifer starts kissing the lobster] Oh, oh, no. It is making my lips swell. Oh, no, he’ll hate this.

[Jennifer is pouting]

Aidy: Okay. We have to shoot her.

[Kate takes a gun out shoots at Jennifer. It only cuts off her upper dress and the dress becomes strapless.]

Aidy and Kate: No!

Aidy: Now it’s strapless. And she’s gorgeous!

Kate: Yeah, but so are we. You know what? It’s still anybody’s game.

Aidy: Oh, who will he pick?

[Doorbell rings]

Aidy and Kate: The corporal!

[The corporal walks in and in no time he makeshis pick]

The corporal: [pointing at Jennifer] Her!