Mike Pence … Beck Bennett
William Barr … Aidy Bryant
Rudy Giuliani … Kate McKinnon
Mike Pompeo … Matthew Broderick
Mr. Schiff … Mikey Day
Ben Carson … Kenan Thompson
President of Finland … Alex Moffat[Cut to Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani and William Barr in a meeting]
Mike Pence: Rudy, attorney general Barr, thank you for joining me. As you know, this impeachment farce is growing worse by the day. And now, a second whistle-blower is coming forward.[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]
Rudy Giuliani: And it’s all happening during my busy season – Halloween.[Cut to William Barr]
William Barr: Where is the president, Mike?[Cut to Mike Pence]
Mike Pence: He has more important things to deal with. He’s meeting with an alligator breeder about filling a moat at the border.[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]
Rudy Giuliani: You should have told me. I know a couple of gators from when I lived in the central park zoo.[Cut to Mike Pence]
Mike Pence: Rudy, we need to get ahead of this story before it spirals out of control. Did you see those text messages they uncovered?[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]
Rudy Giuliani: What! They totally exonerate us.[Cut to Mike Pence]
Mike Pence: Really? What do they say?[Cut to William Barr]
William Barr: Well, this one says, “I think we should stop texting about the crimes and maybe tell the crimes over the phone that the crimes don’t leave little crime footprints.” See, it’s all taken care of.[Cut to Mike Pence]
Mike Pence: I can’t believe that. I’m supposed to be seeing the new Judy Garland movie with mother.[Cut to William Barr]
William Barr: You worry too much, Mike. Presidents get impeached every 30 or 40 years. Now, come on, relax, have another glass of milk.[Cut to Mike Pence]
Mike Pence: Well, it’s 5 somewhere. [Mike Pence drinks milk in a whiskey glass] [Assistant walks in]
Assistant: Mr. Vice President, secretary Mike Pompeo has returned from Greece and is here to see you.
Mike Pence: Oh![Mike Pompeo walks in]
Mike Pompeo: Hey, good to be back.
Mike Pence: Mike, weren’t you subpoenaed by congress?
Mike Pompeo: I was, but I think I bought myself a little time.[Cut to the chairman Mr. Schiff]
Mr. Schiff: This meeting of the house intelligence committee will now come to order. Pompeo. Pompeo. Pompeo.[Cut to a doll of Mike Pompeo] [Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]
Mike Pompeo: Listen, I’ve been asking around and I think that this whole impeachment thing could be really bad.[Cut to Mike Pence]
Mike Pence: Who told you that?[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]
Mike Pompeo: Like, America.
Rudy Giuliani: Not according to this Breitbart office poll that says 121% of people want Biden impeached.[Cut to Mike Pence]
Mike Pence: Maybe we should listen to Mike. After all, he is secretary of—[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]
Mike Pompeo: State, I think? Honestly, I don’t know anymore. My ID just says Big Mike.[Cut to William Barr]
William Barr: That’s right. The only original cabinet member left in Ben Carson.[Ben Carson walks in]
Ben Carson: Did somebody say my name?
Mike Pence: That’s okay, Ben. This isn’t your job.
Ben Carson: Okay. But I’ve been sitting in my empty office for like three years. Does anyone know what my job is supposed to be?
William Barr: No idea. Anyone? I don’t know.
Ben Carson: Even if somebody could give me my password to my computer, that would be a great help.
William Barr: You know what? I better show Mr. Carson out.
Mike Pence: But you’ll be back, right? We’re in the middle of a crisis here.
William Barr: Oh, for sure, 100%. See you soon.[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]
Rudy Giuliani: Listen, guys, we’re going to be just fine. We need to close ranks, you know? Like the mafia.
Mike Pompeo: Uh, yeah, except the mafia was like, smart. They didn’t go on Fox News and tell people crimes before they did them.
Rudy Giuliani: Oh, that reminds me, I promised Hannity I would go on his show tonight. I better get into my stage make up so I look less– While I’m going, you guys should get your stories straight. Okay? Something like how hunter Biden started pizza gate or how this can all be traced back to Takashi 69. Whatever the worst idea is, text it to me so the feds have a record. I’ll be back.[Rudy Giuliani leaves]
Mike Pompeo: He’s probably right about getting out stories straight.[Cut to Mike Pence]
Mike Pence: Yes, because even if they’re not straight now, they could still be converted to straight, right?[Cut to Mike Pompeo]
Mike Pompeo: You know, though the other thing we could do is just flee the country. There’s a whole list of countries that would love to have us. North Korea, Saudi Arabia. End of list.[Cut to everybody]
Mike Pence: I’m sorry, who is this guy?
President of Finland: I’m the president of Finland.
Mike Pence: Oh, my god. You’re still here? From the press conference?[Cut to President of Finland]
President of Finland: Yes. Mr. Trump kept screaming and then he just walked off and I did not know if it was over or what.[Cut to Mike Pence]
Mike Pence: You can go. You’re going to go.[Cut to President of Finland]
President of Finland: Well, I did want to say, the concept of diplomacy is very important.[Cut to Mike Pompeo]
Mike Pompeo: Oh, that’s cute. Hey, you know what? [Cut to everybody] I’m going to walk this guy out. So, what’s Finland like? I mean to live in.
President of Finland: It’s nice.
Mike Pence: Wait. You’re coming back, right, Mike? Because if things go bad for Trump, then I’m president.
Mike Pompeo: Oh, yeah, yeah, that’s great, that’s going to work out just great. I can’t wait for that to happen. And hey, impeachment moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around, might miss it.[Mike Pompeo leaves] [Cut to Mike Pence alone in a room]
Mike Pence: Wow, it looks like I’m here all alone.[Assistant walks in with a basket]
Assistant: Actually, sir, Stephen Miller wanted to talk to you.
Mike Pence: Oh. Fantastic.
Assistant: Here he is.[Assistant opens the basket, a snake comes out]
Mike Pence: Oh, thanks for coming by, Stephen. Do you have any way out of this impeachment? [Snake whispering] Oh really? [Snake whispering] Biden, corruption? Okay, uh-huh. Get Nicholas Cage to steal the constitution and blame it on immigrants? Do you really think that will work? [Snake whispering] God, he’s good. He’s good.[Assistant walks in]
And speaking of good, Rudy Giuliani is back from his appearance on Fox News. He’s still in stage makeup.[Rudy Giuliani walks in with The Joker make up]
Rudy Giuliani: I killed on Hannity.
Mike Pence: Did you say killed?
Rudy Giuliani: That’s right, and I’ll kill again.
Mike Pence and Rudy Giuliani: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.