Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah
Tom Cotton… Kyle Mooney
John Boehner… Taran Killam
Ted Cruz… Bobby Moynihan
Michelle Obama… Sasheer Zamata
The Rock Obama… Dwayne The Rock Johnson
Agent… Beck Bennett
She Rock Obama… Leslie Jones[Starts with a meeting with Barack Obama]
Barack Obama: Gentlemen, um, thank you for coming. Now, the reason I asked you all here is because we only have until end of March to get something done in my list. And that’s hard to do when you, senator Cotton are sending letters to Iranian government behind my back?[Cut to Tom Cotton]
Tom Cotton: Yes, I did. [Tom Cotton looks at John Boehner and Ted Cruz] [Cut to Barack Obama]
Barack Obama: Alright. Or, when you, speaker Boehner are inviting the prime minister of Israel to speak to congress without consulting with me?[Cut to John Boehner]
John Boehner: I did do it.[Cut to Barack Obama]
Barack Obama: Or when you, senator Cruz call Mr. Netanyahu, an extraordinary leader and side with him against your own president?[Cut to Ted Cruz]
Ted Cruz: Well, that’s just how I feel.[Cut to Barack Obama]
Barack Obama: Now, look. I’m gonna try to not lost my temper. But what’s it gonna take for us to show a united front on this?[Cut to John Boehner]
John Boehner: Well, not to be rude, Mr. President, but the only reason I invited prime minister Netanyahu is because I wanted to meet a world leader whose people actually respect him.[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off]
Ted Cruz: Yeah, you know? [Cut to Ted Cruz] And I’m impressed he even came to visit considering how much your bad your situation in the middle east.[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off] [Cut to Tom Cotton]
Tom Cotton: I’ve been in Wash in three months and I think I think I understand foreign policy better than you. And unrelated, I heard your file four bracket is totally busted.[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off. He starts screaming and grunting.] [Cut to Tom Cotton, John Boehner and Ted Cruz. Michelle Obama walks in the office.]
Michelle Obama: Oh, my god! It’s happening.[Cut to a worn shirt and shoes being torn] [Cut to The Hulk version of Barack Obama.] [Cut to Tom Cotton, John Boehner, Ted Cruz and Michelle Obama. They look shocked.]
John Boehner: What’s happening?
Michelle Obama: What’s happening is you made Barack Obama very angry. And when you make him angry, he turns into ‘The Rock Obama’. Well, anyway, I just wanted to remind you about dinner Barack. Gentlemen, good luck![Michelle Obama leaves] [Cut to The Rock Obama] Barack Obama: Now, um, don’t be alarmed. The Rock Obama much like Barack Obama, only larger and more violent. Now, where were we? You. [Cut to John Boehner and The Rock Obama]
John Boehner: Me?
The Rock Obama: You invite Netanyahu without asking?
John Boehner: [scared] Um, I- I did. But–[The Rock Obama carried John Boehner by his collar with one hand]
The Rock Obama: You like Israel?
John Boehner: Yes.
The Rock Obama: Oh, maybe you should go visit Israel.[The Rock Obama throws John Boehner out of the window.]
You, Tom Cotton.[Cut to Tom Cotton]
Come here.[Tom Cotton walks to The Rock Obama.]
Tom Cotton: Okay.[Cut to Tom Cotton and The Rock Obama]
The Rock Obama: You write letter to Iran?
Tom Cotton: I did, yes.
The Rock Obama: You like writing letters?
Tom Cotton: I guess.
The Rock Obama: How you write letter when you have no hand?[The Rock Obama pulls off Tom Cotton’s hand]
Tom Cotton: Oh! Oh, god!
The Rock Obama: Watch, this. Obama from downtown.[The Rock Obama throws Tom Cotton’s hand into the bin like scoring in basketball.]
Break! Okay, you go now.[Tom Cotton jumps out of the window himself.] [Cut to Ted Cruz and The Rock Obama.]
You! Ted Cruz!
Ted Cruz: Alright.
The Rock Obama: Come, sit next to president.[Ted Cruz sits near The Rock Obama]
Ted Cruz: Yes?
The Rock Obama: You shut down government? Very rude! The Rock Obama polite, so I ask, please, may I crush your head?
Ted Cruz: Oh, no![The Rock Obama is crushing Ted Cruz’s head] [Cut to Michelle Obama walking in]
Michelle Obama: Barack, stop![cut to Michelle Obama, Ted Cruz and The Rock Obama]
The Rock Obama: Oh, just kidding. Me no crush his head. Just tear it off.
Ted Cruz: Oh-oh!
Michelle Obama: Senator, you better go.
Ted Cruz: Okay, bye-bye.[Ted Cruz runs out] [Agent walks in]
Agent: Excuse me Mr. President.[Cut to The Rock Obama]
The Rock Obama: Yes, agent.[Cut to Agent]
Agent: I’m afraid we have another little oopsie due over at the secret service. Turns out there has been a mentally ill vagrant living in the White House garden for the last two months.[Cut to Agent and Michelle Obama]
Michelle Obama: [yelling] Are you kidding me? My garden?
[Michelle Obama is screaming and grunting] [Cut to The Rock Obama]
The Rock Obama: Easy Michelle![Cut to Michelle Obama’s back. Her dress and shoes are being torn like The Hulk.] [Cut to She Rock Obama screaming and grunting] [Cut to The Rock Obama]
The Rock Obama: Barack not only one. There’s also “She Rock Obama”[Cut to Agent and She Rock Obama]
She Rock Obama: You try to protect us, but who will protect you?[She Rock Obama pulls off Agent’s arm. Agent faints.] [Cut to She Rock Obama and The Rock Obama]
The Rock Obama: Michelle, high-five! Ah! Being president is fun.
The Rock Obama and She Rock Obama: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!