Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 5




99e: Garth Brooks

The Smurfs

Smurf #1.....Will Ferrell
Papa Smurf/Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond
Grouchy Smurf/Al Pacino.....Chris Kattan
Hefty Smurf/Garth Brooks.....Garth Brooks
Meatloaf/Smurf.....Horatio Sanz
Little Richard/Smurf.....Tracy Morgan
Smurfette/Helan Bodham Carter.....Cheri Oteri
Celine Dion.....Ana Gasteyer

[OVER NBC LOGO MINISERIES LOGO]

Announcer: This Fall, on NBC, prepare yourself for a historic miniseries event!

[Clips from other NBC miniseries are shown]

Announcer: With the magic of Merlin, the majesty of Noah's Ark, and the wonder of Leprachans..

[Words appear on screen as he says them.]

Announcer: All in one epic story of Love, Betrayal, Mystery and War!

[Cut to forest clearing filled with Smurfs. One smurf leaps up, sword in hand]

Smurf #1: Fellow Smurfs! Today we fight the battle of our lives. If we go down [He draws his sword] we go down SMURFING!

[Smurfs cheer. Cut to THE SMURFS written in an impressive and Dramatic font.]

Announcer: THE SMURFS. A story as timeless as the Bible and as old as the A-Team.

[Cut to Sean Connery costumed as Papa Smurf]

Announcer: Starring Sean Connery as Papa Smurf.

[Cut to Smurfs gather around Papa Smurf around a fire.]

Papa Smurf/Connery: If we smurf, let the bastards be smurfs WHO SMURF US!

Smurfs: Yeah!

[Cut to Grouchy Smurf, played by Al Pachino]

Announcer: Al Pacino as Grouchy Smurf.

Grouchy Smurf/Pacino: Let me tell you somethin?! I?m just getting? smurfed up! Hoo-smurf-ha!

Announcer: And an all star cast featuring Garth Brooks..

[Cut to Garth Brooks as Hefty Smurf, who wears Roman armour, bending over the prone form of a smurf.]

Hefty/Garth Brooks: Don't Smurf on me, man! Do not smurf on me!

[Reveal that the smurf he is leaning over is played by Meatloaf]

Announcer: Meatloaf..

Meatloaf/Smurf: There's.. somethin'.. I gotta tell ya.

Hefty/Garth Brooks: What, What is it, my fri-

Meatloaf/Smurf: S..S..Smurf. [He dies.]

Hefty/Brooks: NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!

Announcer: And Little Richard.

[Cut to Little Richard.]

Little Richard/Smurf: Gather 'round, all you Smurfs! Because not everybody's getting Smurfy! [Sings] A wap babaloobap a wapbamboo! [He starts singing Tutti Frutti while the smurfs dance around his piano.]

Announcer: It's a story of war, Magic, and Love![Cut to Helena Bodham Carter as Smurfette, flipping her hair in slow-motion.] With Helena Bodham Carter as the woman who tore their world apart.

[Cut to Smurfette/Helena Bodham Carter and Hefty/Garth Brooks standing on a bridge together]

Hefty Smurf/Brooks: Oh, Smurfette, I hand to see you. I'm..I'm half out of my Smurf!

Smurfette/Bonham Carter: Oh Hefty, you big, manly Smurf! I want you to smurf me! Smurf me right now! I want you to Smurf all over my smurfs!

Hefty/Brooks: Oh, I want to smurf you every which-way! I'm gonna smurf you in your smurfing smurf!

[They kiss and embrace. Cut to Celine Dion singing an over dramatic version of the Smurf theme song. Superimposed over a forest scene.]

Announcer: And a stirring soundtrack by Academy Award winner Celine Dion!

Celine Dion: La la la la la la, la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la la la la Smurf!

[Fade to THE SMURFS logo]

Announcer: An epic so grand, an event so memorable, it could only be called.. THE SMURFS.

[Disclaimer and sotto-voiced annoucment appear:]

Announcer: Due to pending legal action, Smurfs may be called Blurfs.


Submitted by: Ted Zoldan


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