Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

The Joe Franklin Show

Joe Franklin … Billy Crystal
Alan Arkin … Christopher Guest
Daphne Clayton … Kathleen Turner
Doug Henning … Martin Short

[Music: an uptempo piano version of “Twelfth StreetRag.” SUPER: “The Joe Franklin Show” over a successionof black and white photos of old movie stars: W. C.Fields, Al Jolson (in blackface), Eddie Cantor, MaeWest, the Marx Brothers (in “Go West”), Spencer Tracy,Buster Keaton (in “The Navigator”), Humphrey Bogart(in “The African Queen”), Laurel and Hardy (in “You’reDarn Tootin'”). Finally, we dissolve to the darkened,book-lined set of Joe Franklin’s talk show. The lightscome up and we dissolve to legendary talk show host,seated stiffly at his desk, wearing a plaidsuit.]

Joe Franklin: Well, a, er, good – good evening,my friends. As always, I am Joe Franklin, eh, comingto you for our very good friends, our sponsors:Hoffman Beverages, Matzohs by Streit’s “For theUnleavened Experience of a Lifetime … er, MartinPaints, “Martin Paints — It Ain’t Just Paints” and,uh, joining us today, proudly, a, er, new sponsorcalled Bye Bye Hair. It is the only depilatory.Sitting with us, my friends, three, eh, super-duperpeople, uh, Mr. Doug Henning. [Henning, seated in alotus position, is a long-haired, bucktoothed,mustachioed wimp in a skintight, multicolored shirt]… He’s a magician extraordinaire. Now you see him,now you don’t, my friends. And, uh, one of our topactors, even alphabetically, Mr. Alan Arkin. [Arkinnods unenthusiastically] … And, welcoming today, adebut of sorts, if you will, a new, rising star, Ms.Daphne Clayton. [Daphne, grinning broadly, is a sexybut nervous redheaded amateur – Joe holds up a posteradvertising her show] Er, Daphne is now appearing, myfriends, in a new original revue called, er, “Wake MeWhen I’m Nude.” … Er, so I’m excited. Alan, AlanArkin, tell us how you, uh, feel about sitting on thispanel of superstars.

Alan Arkin: [arms crossed, nods, nasal voice]Uh, feels good, Joe. Huh!

Joe Franklin: Er … Doug, Doug Henning, er, inyour magic show, would you have a place for a young,sophisticated beauty like Daphne Clayton?

Doug Henning: [spaced out, trippy, New Agevoice] Well, there’s always room for beauty – in theworld of magic, Joe! … For magic is the spirit ofillusion. And illusion can be magical. Like this![reaches behind Alan Arkin, pulls out a bouquet offlowers, hands it to Daphne]

Alan Arkin: [annoyed, to Doug Henning] What areyou doing?

Daphne Clayton: [gasps, genuinely amazed] Ohhh,I can’t believe–! That’s terrific!

Doug Henning: Read the card!

Daphne Clayton: [looks at the bouquet] Thereisn’t one.

Doug Henning: There’s always a card – in theworld of magic! [reaches behind Alan Arkin, pulls outa playing card, hands it to Daphne]

Alan Arkin: [annoyed, to Doug Henning] What areyou doing?

Daphne Clayton: Oh! Look! [hands card toJoe]

Joe Franklin: [also genuinely amazed] Look atthat. See that? Now, I didn’t– Did you see it come?Not from anywhere. That is something. I, er, I, er,didn’t see a thing. Alan, er, what did you think aboutthat?

Alan Arkin: That’s unbelievable. It’samazing.

Doug Henning: AND it’s magical!

Joe Franklin: [holds up poster again] Er,Daphne, er, Clayton, the, er, the show is called,uh–

Daphne Clayton: “Wake Me When I’mNude.”

Joe Franklin: Uh huh. And it is being done atthe American Legion Post 118, er, which is locatedat–

Daphne Clayton: That’s at Exit 6 — it’s rightacross from Mr. Donut.

Joe Franklin: Ah! The, er, “Wake Me When I’mNude” — this sounds like a family show.

Daphne Clayton: Oh, yes! It’s a show that thewhole family could enjoy, Joe.

Joe Franklin: Oh, good. Alan Arkin, er, haveyou ever seen, er, this show?

Alan Arkin: No. No.

Daphne Clayton: [to Alan Arkin] Oh, pleasecome. It’s free. And – and they have apple juice anddoughnuts during intermission.

Alan Arkin: [mildly amused] Huh!

Doug Henning: Oh, that sounds wonderful! Butwhen you speak of refreshments, do you have anassortment – [holds up an empty metal bowl, covers it,then uncovers it, revealing a bowl full of cheese] -of cheeses?! [hands cheese bowl to Daphne]

Daphne Clayton: Oh! Now, that’s what I callmagic! [hands cheese bowl to Joe]

Joe Franklin: Isn’t that magic? And what wouldbe truly magical is if this cheese was served on theMatzohs by Streit’s, my friends. Wash it down with theHoffman Beverages. On a hairless body by Bye Bye Hairin a room by Martin Paints, “Martin Paints — It Ain’tJust Paints,” my friends. Alan, er, this is exciting.Any advice to this up and coming super-duperstar?

Alan Arkin: Uh, no, not really, Joe,no.

Joe Franklin: But, uh, we do, uh, have a treat,my friends, Ms. Daphne Clayton is going to, uh, singone of the tunes from the show. Daphne, er, do youwant to explain, er, this song before we hearit?

Daphne Clayton: Oh, yes, yeah. It’s a scenewhere I’m mad at my husband Larry.

Joe Franklin: Mm hmm.

Daphne Clayton: And his best friend Barrythinks that I’m mad at him, too, and so he leaves. Andthat is the first time I’m left alone thatday.

Joe Franklin: [after an awkward pause] So,let’s sit back, my friends, and, er, listen to thismusical treat, from Daphne Clayton, from “Wake – Me -When – I’m – Nude” – coming – up – right -now.

[Excited, Daphne rises to sing her song. A pianoplays. After an extremely long vamp, Daphne finallybegins – but the voice we hear is prerecorded andDaphne emphatically and ineptly lip syncs the entirething. Joe, reading some papers at his desk, payslittle attention. Arkin, arms folded, can’t believehow bad she is — or how interested Doug Henning seemsto be in her awful performance.]

Daphne Clayton: [spoken melodramatically]Larry, take this ring and get out! And stay out!
[sings]
Eight a.m., fix his breakfast
Toast, juice, eggs, scrambled well
Pick up his socks, drop off the kids,
Shampoo the rug and the dog!
Hey!
What about myself?
What about my life?
Don’t I get a break?
Larry! Wake up!
It’s nineteen eighty-threeeeeeeeeeee!

[Daphne finishes big, no one applauds, deafeningsilence. She sits back down.]

Joe Franklin: That, uh, is exciting. That’svery exciting, Daphne. I tell you, my friends, I lovenew talent, we discover new talent here. Daphne, youare a future-duper star. Let me ask you this. What doyou think about Ben Turpin? [holds up photo of thecross-eyed silent movie comedian] Do you, uh, have anystories? Are there any anecdotes?

Daphne Clayton: Uh, I don’t know who thatis.

Joe Franklin: But Alan Arkin, my friends–Alan, you are the actor’s actor. He writes, hedirects, he does stage, he does films. Alan, the SuperBowl game — any predictions?

Alan Arkin: What are you talking about?

Joe Franklin: The, eh, game, eh, Miami, SanFrancisco, who’s gonna win?

Alan Arkin: [shrugs, shakes his head] Uh, Idon’t know.

Joe Franklin: Er, Doug – Henning, as we wrap upthis gold medal-winning show, my friends, and itis — you feel it, I feel it, we all feel it –Doug, any New Year’s resolutions for 1985?

Doug Henning: I resolve – that each day will befilled with magical possibilities. And thesepossibilities, because they are magic, will be onlyillusions!

Alan Arkin: [after a beat, annoyed, to DougHenning] What are you talking about?

Joe Franklin: I’m putting this show in my timecapsule, my friends. One of the all-time favoriteshows. [“Twelfth Street Rag” pots up, signaling theend of the program, Joe holds up the poster one lasttime] Daphne Clayton, darling, please come back. Theshow, “Wake Me When I’m Nude.”

Daphne Clayton: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Joe.And – and, please come, it’s free!

Joe Franklin: Well, we’ll drive down, I hope.Doug, a great star. More car commercials, uh, Broadwayshow, and then you are going to–?

Doug Henning: Off to Toronto, to try my hand ina little dramatic fare, in a play entitled “MassAppeal” with the wondrously talented JimBackus.

Joe Franklin: And, of course, er, AlanArkin.

Alan Arkin: No.

Joe Franklin: Well, er, that is it for today,my friends, we will see you soon. And, er, for now,Joe Franklin simply saying, “Let’s all wave goodbye.”Bye-bye.

[Applause as Joe and Daphne wave goodbye. Alan Arkinsits lifelessly with his hands in his lap. DougHenning magically produces a cane with a scarf at theend of it as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

Donahue Green Room

Fernando…..Billy Crystal
Nazi…..Gary Kroeger
Bernard Goetz…..Rich Hall

[ open on Fernando standing outside the Donahue Green Room ]

Fernando: Saludos, my friends! Hello, it is I, Fernando. [ the audience applauds ] Thank you, darlings, thank you. We have got a special treat for some of you, and you know who you are. As you know, my friends, Phil Donahue – you know who Phil Donahue is, another talk show host with the grey hair, but he does not look as mahvelous,/i> as me. Mr. Donahue began broadcasting his television show from New York this week. So, you know what I thought, since I love you all very much, and you know who you are. I thought we’d go into Phil’s Green Room, look around, maybe catch a peek of ol’ Snowy Top himself. Okay? So, let’s go – let’s mingle!

[ Fernando enters the Green Room, where he immediately spots two midget transvestites and a Nazi ]

Fernando: I tell you, my friends, this is exciting – two midget transvestites and a Nazi! I tell you, this is going to be some Phil Donahue show, I’ll tell you that right now! [ He sits next to the two midget transvestites ] May I? [ chuckles ] Hello, my little darlings.

Midget Transvestite #1: Hi.

Fernando: Let me get something.. straight. Okay? You are.. two midget men.. who dress like two midget women?

Midget Transvestites: Ye-es.

Fernamdo: Well, you’d never know it. I’ll tell you that. Because, you look mahvelous! You — this is fabulous – you look like an Ann Miller doll. May I say that to you? And you, you sort of look like a Charo, you know what I’m saying? Charo, but not really. You are Joan Blondell, up close – who used to park next to me at RKO, gave me a ding every time she parked her car. You look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous! No, you do, darling. Keep them together, you know what I’m saying? There’s people here. Alright.

[ Fernando moves over to sit next to the Nazi ]

Fernando: Hello.

Nazi: Hi.

Fernando: How do you do? Are you on the show, too?

Nazi: Yes!

Fernando: Hmm. And, uh.. who’s that? [ points to Bernard Goetz ] Who’s that?

Nazi: [ in a whisper ] That’s Bernard Goetz.

Fernando: [ doesn’t recognize him ] Bernard Goetz? The jazz musician?

Nazi: No, that’s Stan Getz.

Fernando: Oh.

Nazi: He’s the Subway Vigilante.

Fernando: [ eyes widen, excited ] He looks mahvelous! I gotta talk to him, and try to get him on my show, you know what I mean?

Nazi: That’s a good idea.

Fernando: Thank you, Nazi! This is a very good color for you.

[ Fernando moves over to meet Bernard Goetz ]

Fernando: Excuse me, Mr. Goetz? How do you do? My name is Fernando, and I have a little talk show called “The Hideaway”, and.. I would go crazy if you would consider being on my show. All the celebrities in town come to do it, and it would be fantastic if you would just say.. yes.

Bernard Goetz: Sure.

Fernando: You will?

Bernard Goetz: Sure.

Fernando: [ excited ] Ohhh, this is unbelievable! This is.. this is amazing! I’ve got to call my producer and tell him that I’ve got Bernard Goetz on my show! This is unbelievable, this is fantastic! [ rushes across the room to the payphone, passing the midget transvestites along the way ] You two still look mahvelous! [ picks up payphone to dial, fishing in his pocket for a quarter ] This is great, because I have had a lot of trouble with guests – Barry Manilow cancelled, and it’s really hard to get people in town, you know, I — [ Fernando can’t find a quarter in his pockets ] Uh.. Bernard..? Do you have a quarter?

Bernard Goetz: [ raises his head slowly with vengeance in his dark eyes ] Yeah, I’ve got a quarter! You want a quarter? [ He walks slowly towards Fernando, his hand reaching into his jacket pocket ] I’ve got a quarter for you right here, pal.. I’ve got a nice quarter for ya’!

Fernando: Oh no! No, Bernie, no, please! Don’t do it! Oh no, what did I do?! I’m so stupid! Please, don’t do it! But, if you must – shoot me from here down, because, even if I’m wounded, I’ll still look mahvelous!

[ Bernard pulls out a quarter, surprising Fernando with his act ]

Bernard Goetz: Oh boy, did you fall for that one!

Fernando: [ relieved ] Oh boy, that is a quarter! Oh, you got me good there, Bernie Goetz!

Bernard Goetz: [ laughing ] Oh, were you shining!

Fernando: I’m shining?

Bernard Goetz: You should have seen yourself flinch! [ throws his arm in front of the midget transvestites and Nazi ] Did you guys see him! [ midget transvestites and the Nazi throw themselves to the floor in fear ] Everybody’s so jumpy around here! It’s unbelievable.

Fernando: This is amazing, Bernard Goetz, I’ll tell you that right now. You are something else. I am.. I’m really glad to meet you. And after meeting you, I’ve got to tell you one thing. I am glad to be.. alive from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

Strictly From Blackwell

Mr. Blackwell … Harry Shearer
Bobby Bouchet … Martin Short

[Card reads: STRICTLY FROM BLACKWELL. We hear thehushed, mellow, oddly cadenced voice of fashion expertMr. Blackwell before we dissolve to him. He is awrinkled, gray-haired, purple plaid-jacketed,microphone-wielding talk show host who addresses thecamera.]

Mr. Blackwell: From the newest of the newaddresses on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, a selectionof four designer boutiques inside one fabulousstorefront, Le Boutiqueteria, direct from the secondfloor, this is Strictly From Blackwell. I amBlackwell.

[Pull wide to reveal Blackwell’s guest seated next tohim — a jittery, nervous, mustachioed, blow-dried,turtleneck-wearing theatrical type guy named BobbyBouchet. The two men sit beneath a sign reading “LeBoutiqueteria” on a stylish talk show set.]

Mr. Blackwell: And joining us today is a youngman involved in the musical theater — we will talk,we will have good conversation — currently in “IrmaLa Douce.” What a delight that this show has beenbrought back at the James Franciscus Dinner Theater… in nearby La Mirada, California. Mr. BobbyBouchet. Bobby, welcome.

Bobby Bouchet: [equally hushed mellow voice]Thank you.

Mr. Blackwell: You know … you’re doing dinnertheater in La Mirada which I feel– I would not dodinner theater in a Hollywood, in a Beverly Hills, ina Sherman Oaks, in a Studio City. In a Westwood -[chortles] – no way – would I do dinnertheater in a Westwood. I would in a La Mirada.Interesting.

Bobby Bouchet: Well, La Mirada … has a lot ofolder folks and they are really wanting to see a showbut they also want to eat.

Mr. Blackwell: Yeah.

Bobby Bouchet: And, uh, so, there’s aninteresting package. They get the show –

Mr. Blackwell: Yeah.

Bobby Bouchet: – and they get the – the – thefood.

Mr. Blackwell: Yeah.

Bobby Bouchet: And they get, uh, uh, allgratuities. And they get four different kinds of saladdressings.

Mr. Blackwell: There is a choice ofdressings? …

Bobby Bouchet: There is four dressings. With -with one salad included, of course.

Mr. Blackwell: Yes.

Bobby Bouchet: And it’s all for twenty-sevenninety-nine.

Mr. Blackwell: Yeah.

Bobby Bouchet: Plus — they don’t have to seethe whole show.

Mr. Blackwell: They do not have to seethe whole show?

Bobby Bouchet: No. Because it’s not the wholeshow. It’s – it’s an abridged version. It’s like thatdinner theater type of – of theater.

Mr. Blackwell: You could not see the whole showif you wanted?

Bobby Bouchet: No.

Mr. Blackwell: This is like what they do in LasVegas where they – they give you just the crême de lacream of the show … And you’re – you’reseeing the best numbers and the bestmoments and the best songs and the bestcostumes and the best sets — and still you’reout in an hour.

Bobby Bouchet: [proudly] And … Robert Claryof “Hogan’s Heroes” staged it for us.

Mr. Blackwell: [genuinely delighted] Did he?… Did he?

Bobby Bouchet: That’s not too bad.

Mr. Blackwell: He does wonderful work.How many … How many in the company?

Bobby Bouchet: Well, uh, the original Broadwayproduction, which I stayed clear of, because I – Ididn’t really want to be affected by it– You want tobring your own th – thing to it–

Mr. Blackwell: This is good. This isgood.

Bobby Bouchet: But – but – but – the originalBroadway production has, uh, had forty, fifty peoplein it. Ours is more scaled down.

Mr. Blackwell: Sure.

Bobby Bouchet: We have – we have seven peoplein it. …

Mr. Blackwell: This is interesting, I think, tothe audience on the cable. What is – a “douce”?I have heard that it is French slang for atart, for a prostitute. Is this true? Isthis what the show is about, Bobby?

Bobby Bouchet: Exactly. But, you see, peopleare eating, so we – we kind of stay clear of that and- and we have more fun with her being aprostitute.

Mr. Blackwell: [laughs lustily] I love that!”Fun with her being a prostitute”! [laughs, suddenlymellow again] That is good fun. Okay, when … Whenyou say they’re eating — and now–?

Bobby Bouchet: I brought you a menu, to explainbetter. [excitedly pulls out a huge menu labeled “BILLOF FARE” and hands it to Blackwell]

Mr. Blackwell: Fabulous. This is wonderful – toshare with our viewers. Okay, look, let – let usmaybe– Can we get a – a close-up on the other camera- [holds menu up to wrong camera] – and just show whatwe are doing here? Does this work? Okay, now … Allright, this way? Okay. [angle changes – turns menu towrong camera again, reads from menu] This is the …the, uh, Backstage Cut, which is the regular roastbeef, which is thirteen ninety-five. I must tell you.I defy anyone — [drops menu, Bobby retrieves it forhim and puts it in his lap] oh, to find a regularprime rib of this quality – and I’ve nothad the meat there – but, er, just looking at themenu, you can see the quality of the food in thepresentation of the show. … which I do want to see.But I don’t think anywhere in a La Mirada you can geta prime rib for that. I don’t know.

Bobby Bouchet: Oh, no, no, no. You’re not -You’re not gonna get a better prime rib than thatanywhere. In fact – fact, people who’ve seen the showhave just come back to eat.

Mr. Blackwell: That is wonderful. … There isa Twin Bill, which is the double lamb chops, which Ilove. There is the, uh, Leading Man/LeadingLady, which is the steak and lobster. [sets the largemenu down] I love the size of the menus, like the bigbulky sweaters. Okay, your big songs, Bobby, arewhat?

Bobby Bouchet: “From a Prison Cell.”

Mr. Blackwell: That’s the name of thesong?

Bobby Bouchet: That’s the name of thesong.

Mr. Blackwell: Okay, and you do thatwhere?

Bobby Bouchet: In a prison cell. By the saladbar.

Mr. Blackwell: Okay, good. Now … I wasreading a little bit about your background. You haveinteresting parents. Should we say “interestingparents”? Is this fair to say?

Bobby Bouchet: [nods, grins] Oh, you mean mybiological parents? You’re talking about my biologicalparents now? Yes, well, this is something I like totalk about but, a lot of times, I get a lot of flakfor it but, uh, anyway, uh – uh – uh – My biologicalparents were – John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe….

Mr. Blackwell: Interesting. The ones we’veheard of?

Bobby Bouchet: The president and the moviestar, yes.

Mr. Blackwell: Okay, but w-w-w-when you saythey were your parents — did you knowthem?

Bobby Bouchet: Well, I mean, youcouldn’t know them — they were so much in thepublic eye.

Mr. Blackwell: Isn’t that sad?

Bobby Bouchet: Yeah.

Mr. Blackwell: Isn’t that true? Uh, so who didyou grow up knowing as the “Mom,” as the”Dad”?

Bobby Bouchet: My legal parents. And I lovethem and – and everything but – but they – they didnot know that I was related to John F. Kennedy andMarilyn Monroe.

Mr. Blackwell: They adopted you?

Bobby Bouchet: Well, they won’t admit it. Theywon’t claim it. So, uh, I – They– According to them,I am their biological son and – and – and I love them,as I said, and respect them, and because I resideunder their roof–

Mr. Blackwell: Well, you – you pay them therespect that they deserve.

Bobby Bouchet: And pretend to be biologicallyrelated to them. …

Mr. Blackwell: Okay, you know, I’ve known youfor a very short period of time, Bobby, but there isan integrity to you and an authority anda belief in yourself which I say more peoplethese days should have. What I hear is a simplywonderful production of “Irma La Douce”– The threepiece ensemble provides music. That is what? Piano?

Bobby Bouchet: Organ and harp.

Mr. Blackwell: Piano, organ and harp. … Toget a very full feeling to the show. Bobby Bouchet. Itwas a pleasure to meet you. It really was.

Bobby Bouchet: This wasn’t so bad.

Mr. Blackwell: No, this wasn’t at all. BobbyBouchet – on stage – in front of – the food – … in”Irma La Douce” down in La Mirada. I wanted to ask himif he ever ad libs in a musical. I’ve always wanted toask an actor this –

Bobby Bouchet: [shakes his head, amused]No.

Mr. Blackwell: – but we don’t have time, wemust vanish. Next — for the first time, theWorst-Dressed Men List. This should be fun! Till then,strictly from Blackwell. Bye-bye.

[Blackwell converses with his guest as we pull backand a kind of “Holiday for Strings”-type theme musicplays. Applause. Dissolve back to opening title card.Fade.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 12th, 1985

Kathleen Turner

John Waite

None

None
Donahue Green RoomSummary: While scouting Donahue’s Green Room for guests he can put on his own show, Fernando (Billy Crystal) meets a pair of midget transvestites, a Nazi (Gary Kroeger), and Bernard Goetz (Rich Hall).

Recurring Characters: Fernando.

Transcript

Montage

Kathleen Turner’s MonologueSummary: Kathleen Turner points out a fake Jack Nicholson in the audience, then displays images depicting her increased level of cinematic sexiness.

Also Hosted: 89c.

Transcript

MacDouglass-Drummond Miracle WrenchSummary: MacDouglass-Drummond spokesman (Harry Shearer) touts high prices for normal quality items.

Transcript

You Know What I Hate?Summary: Willie (Christopher Guest) and Frankie (Billy Crystal) discuss means of self-torture while participating in a waterskiing pyramid.

Recurring Characters: Willie, Frankie.

Nose Hair TrimmerSummary: Walter (Gary Kroeger) trims nose hairs on a professional basis.

Recurring Characters: Walter.

SafeCoSummary: Dura Guard II Plate Glass is strong enough to withstand impact of Joan Collins’ (Pamela Stephenson) head.

Recurring Characters: Joan Collins.

Hypnotism by FireSummary: Before Larry Pacon (Billy Crystal) can take Sharon (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) on a date, her father, Brad (Martin Short), seats him before the fireplace and hypnotizes him to unleash his true intentions for the evening.

Note: Because he was appearing as a wide variety of characters in multiple back-to-back sketches, Billy Crystal wore a bald cap throughout the show; in this sketch, he wears a wig similar to his own hair. When Martin Short’s characters slaps Crystal in the back of the head, his wig becomes askew, causing the audience, and even Julia Louis-Dreyfus, upon re-entering the scene, to laugh. Crystal appears dumbfounded at the consistent laughter, until Short reaches over to re-adjust the wig, which causes Crystal to laugh as well.

PredictionsRecurring Characters: Jeane Dixon.

The Joe Franklin ShowSummary: Joe Franklin’s (Billy Crystal) panel is encompassed by local actress Daphney Clayton (Kathleen Turner), currently starring in “Wake Me When I’m Nude”, a befuddled Alan Arkin (Christopher Guest), and magician Doug Henning (Martin Short).

Recurring Characters: Joe Franklin, Doug Henning.

Transcript

Boxing StoriesRecurring Characters: Tony Minetti.

Transcript

The PickupSummary: Man-hungry Victoria Kingsley (Kathleen Turner) picks up meekish Adam Sherman (Martin Short) at a loft party.

Note: Writers Andy Breckman and Larry David can spotted walking around as party guests in the background.

Transcript

Saturday Night News with Christopher GuestSummary: Gary Kroeger displays his not-so-sexy Kroeger-A-Month calendar for 1985. Doug Henning (Rich Hall) demonstrates a budget-based magic trick.

Recurring Characters: Doug Henning.

Note: Not only is Doug Henning impersonated by two cast members in one evening, but Rich Hall also loses his fake teeth while performing the impression.

Transcript

John Waite performs “Saturday Night”

Strictly From BlackwellSummary: Mr. Blackwell (Harry Shearer) interviews dinner theater performer Bobby Bouchet (Martin Short).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Blackwell.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

White Like Eddie

…..Eddie Murphy
Clerk…..Jim Downey

Eddie Murphy: You know, a lot of people talk about racial prejudice. And some people have gone so far as to say that there are actually two Americas: one black and one white. But talk is cheap. So I decided to look into the problem myself, firsthand. To go underground and actually experience America.. as a white man.

[ enters Make Up Room ]

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: I hired the best make-up people in the business. If I was gonna pass as a white man, everything had to be perfect.

[ make-up is placed on Eddie’s face ]

Eddie Murphy: Hmm, I think that’s a little light.

Make-up Artist: Okay, let’s try this. [ applies fake white moustache on Eddie’s lips ]

Eddie Murphy: That’s, uh.. I look kind of Harry Reemsish.

Make-up Artist: Mmm, I like it.

Eddie Murphy: I studied for my role very carefully. I watched lots of “Dynasty”.

[ show Eddie watching TV ]

Eddie Murphy: See? See how they walk? Their butts are real tight when they walk. They keep their butts tight. I’ve gotta remember to keep my butt real tight when I walk.

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: And, I read a whole bunch of Hallmark Cards.

[ show Eddie reading greeting cards ]

Eddie Murphy: “For my lovely wife.” That’s it. That’s it. That’s it. Go ahead. “You always mean lots more to me than you could ever guess. For you have done so much to fill my life with happiness.”

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: Finally, I was ready.

[ Eddie walks onto the street, the perfect portrait of a white man. He enters a convenience store, grabs a newspaper and drops it on the counter. ]

Clerk: What are you doing?

Eddie Murphy: I’m buying this newspaper.

Clerk: That’s all right. There’s nobody around. Go ahead, take it. Take it. [ Eddie gives him a quizzical look ] Go ahead, take it. Yeah. Take it. Take it.

[ Eddie takes the newspaper, and cautiously exits ]

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: Slowly, I began to realize that when white people are alone, they give things to each other for free.
[ cut to Eddie catching a bus. He sits down between two white women. ]

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: There was only one other black man on the bus. He got off on 45th Street. [ the busdriver looks around the bus carefully, then sets a party in motion, complete with music and cigarette girls ] The problem was much more serious than I’d ever imagined.

[ cut to Eddie at a bank, talking to a black Loan Officer, discussing budgeting and other money matters ]

Loan Officer: Now, let me get this straight, Mr., ..uh.. Mr. White. You’d like to borrow $50,000 from our bank, but you have no collateral, you have no credit. You don’t even have any I.D. Is that correct?

Eddie Murphy: That’s right.

Loan Officer: Mr. White, I’m sorry. This is not a charity. This is a business…

White Loan Officer: Uh, Harry, why don’t you, uh, take your break now? I’ll take care of.. uh.. Mr. White.

Loan Officer: Well.. okay. Thanks, Bob. [ exits ]

White Loan Officer: [ laughs, then sits ] That was a close one, wasn’t it?

Eddie Murphy: It certainly was.

White Loan Officer: We don’t have to bother with these formalities, do we, Mr. White? Huh?

Eddie Murphy: What a silly Negro!

White Loan Officer: Just take what you want, Mr. White. Pay us back anytime. Or don’t. We don’t care.

Eddie Murphy: Tell me, do you know of any other banks like this in this area?

[ cut to Eddie back at the Make-up Room ]

Eddie Murphy: So, what did I learn from all of this? Well, I learned that we still have a very long way to go in this country before all men are truly equal. But I’ll tell you something. [ pan to reveal Eddie’s black buddies applying white make-up to their faces ] I’ve got a lot of friends, and we’ve got a lot of makeup. So, the next time you’re huggin’ up with some really super, groovy white guy, or you met a really great, super keen white chick, don’t be too sure. They might be black.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 9

84i: Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers

Killing Time

…..Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy: You know what happened? You people out there just missed a dirty joke I told!

[ Audience laughs and cheers. Eddie belts out his trademark laugh. ]

Eddie Murphy: You know what happened? They timed the show wrong, right? And they thought the show was going to be 30 seconds longer — and like now -– they don’t have no sketch or NOTHING!

[ Audience laughs hard. Eddie points to the OFF-SCREEN crew]

Eddie Murphy: How much time do I have? Eight seconds? Seven… six? Here, quick — I’m gonna play the piano!

[ Eddie sits down at The Honeydrippers’ piano and starts playing different notes. The audience cheers wildly. ]

[ DISSOLVE to bumper photo ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood

Mr. Robinson…..Eddie Murphy

[ Mr. Robinson enters his apartment dressed as Santa Claus ]

Mr. Robinson: [ singing ]
“It’s a beautiful day in the neigborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won’t you be my neighbor?”

Hello, boys and girls! You know, Christmas is a special time in Mr. Robinson’s neighborhood. It’s a time for giving, and look what Mr. Landlord gave me – it’s an eviction notice. Well, that’s why Mr. Robinson has to wear this Santa Claus suit to sneak in and out of his building. But it just isn’t a disguise, boys and girls. Because, when I add this little pail here, and when I have this little bell, it becomes a small business. [ rings the bell ] Yes, Christmas is a season for giving, and for taking! And with this little operation, I figure I’ll be taking on about $300-400 a day! Oh, why oh why, must Christmas come but once a year?

[ puts his stuff away ]

You know, another reason why Mr. Robinson likes Christmas so much, boys and girls, is because I have so much in common with Santa Claus. We both like to sneak into your house late at night. Only Mr. Santa Claus likes to leave things. Mr. Robinson prefers to take a few things every now and then. Let’s see what I have for Christmas today. [ reaches into his sack ] Oh, look.. a little doll baby! Isn’t it so cute, boys and girls? It’s not worth a lot right now, but, through the miracles of modern science.. [ pulls off the head, and replaces it with a cabbage ] ..Cabbage Patch doll! Now they’re worth a lot of cabbage! I could sell these to little stupid kids for about $50 each! $50 each! Can you believe that! That’s why I love Christmas! And that’s today’s word, boys and girls. [ walks over to the word board, which has “X-MAS” written on it ] “Christ-mas”. You know any other words that start with “X”, boys and girls? How about.. [ flips card over to show word “X-CON” ] ..Ex-con”? [ a knock is heard at the door ] Who could that be, boys and girls?

Voice At Door: Robinson! Are you the guy that sold my kid a head of lettuce with a dress on it?!

Mr. Robinson: That reminds me of another word, boys and girls, that begins with “X” – “Ex-scape”! [ grabs his bag ] Well, I’ll see you later. And remember: “Tomorrow, tomorrow, I’ll visit you tomorrow when you’re sound asleep..” [ jumps out window ] Goodbye, boys and girls!

[ title fades in, then out to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Eddie Murphy’s Monologue

…..Eddie Murphy

Don Pardo: Ladies and Gentlemen, Eddie Murphy!

[Huge audience applause as Eddie walks on stage]

Eddie Murphy: Thank you! [Applause continues. Eddie twirls both of his hands and points upward, sending the audience into even more of a frenzy] Oh, thank you.

This is very bizarre, ’cause I grew up on this show, it’s bizarre to host it. I feel strange, and I’m very nervous, ’cause I haven’t done this in a year and a half, so just bear with me. I said last year that, um, when I left the show, I swore that I would never do Saturday Night Live again, because I said the show was terrible. Really, and I did 48 Hours and Trading Places, and I felt I was an actor now. It was like “Saturday Night Live? HA!” Really, that was my vibe last year. And after I did 48 Hours and Trading Places, all these scripts started comin’ from everywhere, and I picked up a script called Best Defense…there’s a movie that sucked real bad! At first, I wasn’t gonna do it, because I read the script, and I felt like I was an actor at first, but the money they gave me to do Best Defense, y’all woulda done Best Defense, too, okay!

But I read the script at first, and the script was terrible, I was like, “What?! How dare you give me a script like this! Oh, that much money? Let’s go!” So I read the script Best Defense, I went out and did Best Defense, Best Defense turned out to be the worst movie ever done in the history of anything, and all of a sudden, I wasn’t that hot no more. So, I called up the producer of Saturday Night Live, and I go, “Um, you still got my dressin’ room?” and he said, “Why don’t you come back on the show and host the Christmas show?” so I said, “You bet!” So, I signed the contracts to host the Christmas show, and while I was waiting for Christmas to come, sitting in my house by myself, somebody brought me a script for a movie called Beverly Hills Cop [Applause at mention of the movie]. Did Beverly Hills Cop, Beverly Hills Cop is a hit, all of a sudden, I’m an actor again. But, it’s too late to pull out, so I had to host the show.

But, I’m back, and oddly enough, I been having a good time, and the new people are fun, and it’s bizarre to be standin’ here, but I been havin’ a good time, it’s good to be back this week, but before we get into the laugh stuff, and I want you to know you can laugh, you can have a good time tonight, we have a good time and you gonna laugh, not everything on the show is hysterical. I know lots of times they tell you we have a great show, they come out, and they lie to you. You sit there and you see some things that suck. Tonight is the same. Most of the show is good, but, there’ll be 2 or 3 things that you’ll go, “That’s not funny!” and I just want you to be prepared for that, okay.

Now, before we get into the funny stuff, I want you to see something I take very seriously, I want you to watch somethin’. Watch this.

[Monologue comes to an end as screen dissolves to “White Like Eddie”]

Thanks to Larry Petit for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Black History Minute

Shabazz K. Morton…..Eddie Murphy

Shabazz K. Morton: Hello, my name is Professor Shabazz K. Morton. In 1895, at the Tuskagee Institute in Alabama, a black man named George Washington Carver developed a new method of soul.. soil.. improvement through crop rotation.. [ a couple of audience members snicker at Murphy’s blooper, causing him to break character ] So I messed up – SHUT UP! [ adjusting his shades so he can read the cue cards ] Stop clapping before y’all make me smile! [ back in character ] ..to end the South African cultural dependence on cotton alone. As a result, Carver came up with hundreds of industrial uses for the peanut. Sure, industrial uses.

Meanwhile, one night, he’s having a few friends over to his house for dinner. And one of them leans over and says to Dr. Carver, “Excuse me, George? What’s that your putting on your bread?” Carver says, “Oh, that’s nothing but a butter substitute that I made from peanuts. I can’t digest all that animal fat, you know.” So the other fellow tasted it, and he says, “Hmm.. this pastes pretty.. this tastes..” [ the audience again laughs at Murphy’s blooper, causing him to break character again ] Yeah? Keep on smiling. [ back in character ] “This tastes pretty good, man. Mind if we take a peek at the recipe?” And Dr. Carver says, “Take a peek? Man, you can have it. Who’s gonna eat butter made out of peanuts? No, I’m working on a method to compress peanuts into phonograph needles.”

So, Professor Carver’s two dinner guests.. [ Murphy removes his shades for better cue card reading ] ..Edward “Skippy” Williamson and Frederick “Jif” Armstrong – two white men – stole George Washington Carver’s recipe for peanut butter, copyrighted it, and reaped untold fortunes from it. While Dr. Carver died penniless and insane, still trying to play a phonograph record with a peanut.

This has been “Black History Minute”. I’m Professor Shabazz K. Morton. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 9

84i: Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers

Milestones

Alfred Jenkins….Christopher Guest
Bishop Desmond Tutu….Eddie Murphy
Doug Flutie….Rich Hall

[Opens with kind of heroic music theme. On ablackboard the title MILESTONES. The host is in hisbusiness suit sitting in the middle]

Alfred Jenkins: Good evening. I’m Alfred Jenkins andwelcome to “Milestones”, the show that recognizesgreatness. Tonight we have 2 guests who have achievedgreatness in their respective fields. To my left is aman who has been described as the unifying leader inthe fight against South African apartheid and achampion of basic human rights throughout the world.Winner of the 1984 Nobel Prize, Bishop Desmond Tutu.

[Bespectacled Bishop Tutu, gray head of hair, blacksuit, a medal hangs from his neck.]

[Caption: Bishop Desmond Tutu. 1984 Nobel Prize Winner]

Alfred Jenkins: To my right, Heisman Trophy winnerDoug Flutie of Boston College.

[Caption: Doug Flutie Heisman Trophy Winner]

Alfred Jenkins: Welcome, gentlemen. Bishop Tutu, firstof all, I wanted to say how shocked and distressed Iwas that even as you were being presented thisvenerable symbol of peace, a bomb threat was taking place.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Well, in my estimation, the bombthreat represents the sheer desperation of thoseopposed to basic human principles of freedom and justice.

[Alfred turns to Doug]

Alfred Jenkins: So, Doug. Speaking of bombs, that passagainst Miami…if there was ever a doubt in anyone’smind that you deserve this trophy—[picks Heismantrophy up]have you seen this Bishop?[gives it to Tutu]

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Yes, I was admiring it. It isvery nice. Very imppresive indeed, I like this.

[Alfred turns to Doug]

Alfred Jenkins: What was going through your mind whenyou floated that pass?

Doug Flutie: Well, basically Alfred, we call it “theHail Mary pass” You just close your eyes[Doug closeshis eyes]and say “Hail Mary, please let thisball[Bishop Tutu drops the Heisman Trophy]land in thewide receiver’s hands. Please, you humble servant,Doug Flutie…Amen”[Bishop Tutu holds the HeismanTrophy and the severed arm of the footbal player onthe trophy up] And that was it. Basically. A littlebit of good timing and a little bit of luck.

[Alfred notices the broken trophy and tries as best hecan to distract Doug from his now broken trophy]

Alfred Jenkins: Huh? Luck? So, why don’t we watch theplay on the monitor over here? Why don’t you just turnyour chair and tell us what we’re going to see, ok?

[Alfred turns Doug’s chair away from Tutu and facing atv screen. Doug’s famous play is playing on the tv screen]

Doug Flutie: Ah, well basically this is the “splitright 3” or “keyhole” formation….[keeps explaining]

Alfred Jenkins: “Keyhole”? Right.[turns to Bishop Tutumad as hell, keeping the conversation away fom Doug’s ears] What is the matter with you?

Bishop Demaond Tutu: The thing just dropped down.

Alfred Jenkins: What did you drop it for?!

Bishop Desmond Tutu: It was a mistake! I didn’t mean to drop it!

Alfred Jenkins: Don’t make that mistake anymore.

Doug Flutie:….really let the thing fly. And luckily,the wide receiver….

[Alfred turns back to Bishop Tutu]

Alfred Jenkins: How are you going to fix it?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me don’t know how to fix the thing!

Alfred Jenkins: Ok, we do this, ok?

[takes out piece of gum, puts it in his mouth, chews]

Bishop Desmond Tutu: I’m a bishop, not a welder.

Alfred Jenkins: This is how we fix it, ok?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Tell him: “Doug Flutie, the thing broke.”

Alfred Jenkins: Here.[gives Tutu the chewed piece of gum] Stick this on.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Stick the gum on? Put it under here.

Alfred Jenkins: You stick it on and fix it.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Put it on there.

Doug Flutie:[keeps explaining, oblivious] Here it isagain. What I wanted to do was to go back and reallylet loose with one….

Alfred Jenkins: Right, I can seen why.

Doug Flutie:….many times before.

Alfred Jenkins: Right. What a play. And need I remindthe viewers[takes Heisman from Tutu, holds it in hislap, Chris cracks up a little bit]that this cementedyour hold on—[mangled Heisman Trophy with badlyattached arm, Doug looks at it worried. Alfred givesHeisman back to Bishop Tutu] Doug, why don’t we watchthat again? You know, let’s see that again in slowmotion.[Alfred turns Doug chair around again towardsthe tv screen]You just whip around here.

Doug Flutie: I think I clearly indicated before, itwas a “split-right 3”,what we call a “flood tip” formation.

Alfred Jenkins: Uhu, uhu, right.[turns to BishopTutu]What are you doing?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me tried to fix the thing. It break off!

Alfred Jenkins:[panicked]Do it quickly, ok?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me try the best I can! It don’twant to stick back on.

Alfred Jenkins: You’re not doing this fast enough.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: What am I supposed to do now?

Alfred Jenkins: Fix it. That’s all I’m asking you.You’re not supposed to break it.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: I didn’t break it on purpose!

Alfred Jenkins: What about that stuff in your hair? What is that?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: That’s a “Carefree Curl”. That’snot gonna make it stick on. It would just make it curlier.

Alfred Jenkins: Just fix it, all right!

[Bishop Tutu takes his medal off, throws it on thetable in front of him, takes the ribbon and attachesthe Trophy’s arm with the blus ribbon]

Doug Flutie:[keeps explaining]I’m just back and I’mgonna…I’m gonna unleash the thing….

Alfred Jenkins: Right.

Doug Flutie: That’s it, basically.

Alfred Jenkins: Well, that is a spectacular piece ofstrategy and fully deserving of this–[Heisman Trophywrapped with a blue ribbon holds the arm in place.Doug picks his Heisman Trophy]

Doug Flutie: What’s this?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Oh, it is an armband. A unifyingsymbol of our commitment to fighting racism all over the world.

Doug Flutie: Right. Well, that’s nice Tutu. But Ireally don’t think that I can take your only ribbon there.

[Doug starts taking the ribbon off, Alfred quicklytakes the Heisman Trophy from Doug]

Alfred Jenkins: Tutu, did you notice this? How hisname is engraved on there?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Oh! Isn’t that nice?

Alfred Jenkins: Isn’t that something else?[to Doug]Speaking of something else, the pass that you threw, Imean talk about…why don’t we look at it againbecause it is such an amazing play.

Doug Flutie: No. No! We’re not gonna look at the playagain. I’ve been on 200 talk shows now, and I’ve hadto talk this play for 200…[Bishop Tutu leaves withthe trophy]I’m sick of it, frankly. It was a luckyplay, that’s all. Had nothing to do with….my eyeswere closed, you know? It was a fluke. That was it.

[Bishop Tutu is hunched down and a man is welding theHeisman Trophy, blowtorch buzzes, sparks]

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Put the thing there. Hold it over.

Doug Flutie: Now for the rest of my life, what’s goingto happen? That was my moment in the sun.

[Bishop Tutu keeps working the Trophy]

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Hurry, now!

Doug Flutie: My moment in the sun was not even my moment…

Bishop Desmond Tutu: The thing not taking now!

Doug Flutie: Who’s gonna hire me? I’m 5’9″. Who’sgonna draft me? If I’m lucky I’ll get a beercommercial out of this. An off brand or something.

[Tutu sits back down, fake smile on his face]

Doug Flutie: No…my entire life, I’ll be sittingaround is a trailer park somewhere, people will say:”Come on Dougie, let’s see the film again! Show itagain, Dougie!” Can’t you see how one play has ruined my entire life?

[Alfred tries to cheer him up]

Alfred Jenkins: Well, one play that’s guaranteed youthis, the Heis—[the trophy is a melted, mangled ballof steel now, Alfred gives it to Doug]Heisman Trophy.Thanks for being here. Thanks for coming. Tutu, if youwin anything else, come back, ok?

Doug Flutie:[shocked,confused]What is this?

Alfred Jenkins: Thanks for watching “Milestones”.

Doug Flutie: What is this?

[ show’s music theme plays]

Alfred Jenkins: It’s the—ummm, I don’t know what you call this….

Caption: Milestones

[fade]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts