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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 11

81k: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

The President’s Birthday

Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: Tonight: President Ronald Reagan celebrates his 71stbirthday. Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen, the Honorory EntertainmentDirector of the White House – Mr. Francis Albert Sinatra!

Frank Sinatra: [ walks onstage to a smattering of applause ]
“My kind of Chief.. Executive
We’re talkin’ Chief.. Executive.
Shoots down Kadaffi, Ron Reagan does
Takes naps when he wants to, Ron Reagan does.
That Chief Executive
Why, he’s my kind of guy!
Ron Reagan! Ron Reagan!
My kind of gu-u-u-u-uyy!! Ron Reagan!

It’s an honor to be here tonight. Before we talk about the main man,I’d like to do something for our First Chick!

“When she gets hungry, the Third World can wait
She buys her china, at one-grand a plate
Threads by Adolfo, oh that chick, she looks great.
The First Lady.. champ!”

Speaking of champs, how about that Secretary-of-State of ours, huh?

“He’s bad, bad, bad Al Haig
tougher than the Red Brigade.
Badder than old King Kong
meaner than a neutron bomb!”

Here’s a little something that you very well might have heard throughthe years..

“When I was 17..
Ron, you were 63!”

[ laughs ] Seriously, Mr. President. Not only are you the leader of thisgreat country of ours, you are a devoted father to your son, the dancer.

“Fairy tales can true
Ron, it happened to you.
Da da da da-a-a-a..”

Ron, I’m sure you feel the same way about Ron, Jr. that I do aboutFrank, Jr. But let’s give our young people something to look forward to -a free Poland. Solidarity. Hey, how many Polish people does it take toscrew in a light bulb, huh? Well, I’m sure one could do it.. but, first,we gotta hand them the light bulb of freedom. It’s up to 200 milionAmericans to help them screw it in. And we should all stand behind thatmarvelous human being, Lech Walesa. Lechy, you are one groovy cat! But right now, ladies and gentlemen, back to the festivities at hand!

“Happy birthday to you!
Birthday, you!
Happy, happy, Ronnie..
Happy birthday.. happy birthday..
A birthday, you!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 11

81k: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

Reach Out And Touch Someone

[ open on Elderly Couple seated in their living room ]

Elderly Woman: Arthur?

Elderly Man: What’s that, Ma?

Elderly Woman: I’ve been thinking – Jimmy’s been with us for almost three days now. I’ll bet his mother misses him.

Elderly Man: Three days, is it?

Elderly Woman: I’m sure she’d love to talk with him. Arthur, supposin’ you get him?

[ Elderly Man rises to retrieve Jimmy ]

[ dissolve to Elderly Couple holding the phone for Jimmy ]

Mother on Phone: Hello?

Jimmy: Mommy?

Mother on Phone: Jimmy? Jimmy, is that you?

Jimmy: Hi, Mommy!

Mother on Phone: Oh, baby, I miss you. Are you being a good boy?

Jimmy: Yes, Mommy.

Mother on Phone: Are you brushing your teeth?

Jimmy: Yes, Mommy. I miss you, Mommy.

Mother on Phone: I know you do, swetheart.. I miss you, too. But don’t worry, you’ll be home soon.

Jingle: “Reach out.. reach out and touch someone.

Reach out.. reach out, and just say hi..”

[ Elderly Woman grabs the phone ]

Elderly Woman: Hi. I want that $50,000 in unmarked bills, or you’ll never see your kid again.

[ pull back to reveal little Jimmy tied with rope, as Elderly Couple shake hands for their kidnapping efforts ]

Jingle: “Reach out.. reach out and touch someone.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 11

81k: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

I Married A Monkey

Suitor…..James Coburn
Husband…..Tim Kazurinsky

Announcer: And now, another episode in the continuing daytime drama: “I Married A Monkey”.

[ open on half-dressed Suitor in bed with Madge the Monkey wearing nightgown ]

Suitor: Boy, you are something else! I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you before.. You know, I know we haven’t known each other for too long now.. but.. you sure are pretty, and I.. [ Husband, dressed in Disneyworld attire, enters the room ] What do you mean, barging in here like that?!!

Husband: [ angry ] I’m her husband!

Suitor: Oh..! [ dramatic pause ] Now, see here, pal.. we’re not gonna have any kind of a scene, are we?

Husband: Oh, stop your sniveling. i’m not a violent man.

Suitor: Oh. Good.

Husband: [ solemn ] It’s funny, you know.. we came down here to Disneyworld to try and save our marriage.. but my wife was too sick to go on the rides today!

Suitor: She told me her husband was in Europe!

Husband: [ sits on bed next to Madge ] I’m sorry to have to disturb your little pete-a-tete, Madge. You want to share the bed with your husband for a change? Here, Madge. [ hands over teddy bear ] I want this playing Toss The Hoops. [ to Suitor ] That’s Madge’s favorite game.

Suitor: Madge? Why, she told me her name was..

Together: Loretta!

[ dramatic sting ]

Husband: Did she also tell you she was married to a Korean Root Canal Specialist, and that he was.. [ Madge touches Suitor ] Madge, don’t touch him in my presence.. Madge, if you love me.. Did she tell you she worked for the Peace Corps?

Suitor: Yes, she did.

Husband: Sure. She’s a real humanitarian, this one.

Suitor: Well.. I’m sorry..

Husband: Sorry?

Suitor: Yes! Well, put yourself in my position.. she’s something else.

Husband: I don’t blame you. I know where the blame lies. [ to Madge ] You can’t control yourself, can you?

Suitor: [ standing ] Well, I guess I’d better get back to the gas station..

Husband: Yeah..

Suitor: Oh, uh, listen, pal.. on your way out of town, just stop by and, uh, you can have a free tank of gas. [ exits ]

Husband: [ hands pills to Madge ] Here’s your lithium. Take two. There. Oh, honey, don’t spit it out! Take your medicine, if you care. Oh, why can’t I trust you, Madge? Everytime I turn my back.. God knows what happens when I’m away at work! Do you sit around waiting for some encyclopedia salesman to pop in? Madge, don’t turn your back on me. [ Madge bounces on the bed [ Madge! Madge! [ reaches for bottle ] Here, Madge. Have a drink, honey. [ Madge swigs from the bottle ] What does that gas station attendant.. what about me?! You’re shacking up with some pump jockey! you’re a wife.. with a child! Oh, honey, what’s happened to us?

[ sound of a baby crying can be heard ]

Oh, that’s the baby, I left him in the hall. We were gonna take you to a French restaurant, but you can forget it now! [ brings baby monkey in the room ] We had a good time, didn’t we? We had a good time? Kiss for Mommy? Give Mommy a kiss.. [ to Madge ] ..or is he gonna catch something from you? Oh, Madge, why did this have to happen? Why did I have to find you like this? Oh, Madge.. you’re too much woman for me! Or maybe I’m not man enough for you. [ baby monkey bounces on suitcase, knocking it to the floor and causing himself to roll across the bed ] Madge.. there’s a fire buring inside of you, and I can’t seem to put out that flame.. It’s too much. You’re no good. You’re no damn good. But I love you. What am I gonna do? [ Madge swigs from bottle ] Don’t you think you should take a shower, Madge?

Announcer: Tune in again tomorrow, for another look at tormented love, on “I Married A Monkey”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 11

81k: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

Signs of Homosexuality

…..Christine Ebersole
…..Mary Gross
…..James Coburn
…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Christine Ebersole and Mary Gross sitting at a table in a bar ]

Christine Ebersole: Gosh, I’m so excited.. he’ll be here any second!

Mary Gross: Who?

Christine Ebersole: Our host, James Coburn.

Mary Gross: Well, this is a strange time to be working on a scene.

Christine Ebersole: Well, we’re not going to be working on a scene. Hopefully, we’ll be making a scene.

Mary Gross: [ shocked ] Chris!

Christine Ebersole: Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, Mary.. but I’m kind of stuck on the guy.

Mary Gross: Well, don’t judge a book by its cover.

Christine Ebersole: What do you mean?

Mary Gross: I mean, that James Coburn is a homosexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a homosexual. I’m just trying to keep you from wasting your time.

Christine Ebersole: What, are you crazy?

Mary Gross: That macho act of his is simply a disguise.

Christine Ebersole: [ laughing ] Mary, just because he didn’t hit on you doesn’t mean he’s gay.

Mary Gross: Hey, don’t say I didn’t warn you. [ Christine leaves her chair to meet James at the bar ] I know all you folks in the audience probably agree with Christine. You think I’m way off base. Well, it so happens that I’ve been studying homosexuals all my life. I can spot one a mile away! And you can, too, if you know what to look for.

[ cut to Christine and James standing at bar sharing a drink ]

Christine Ebersole: I’m really excited about working with you, Jim!

James Coburn: Realy, Chris? Well, I’m really excited about working with you. [ they laugh ] Well, here’s to an exciting relationship. [ holding his glass with his pinky finger extended, he clinks his glass with Christine’s ]

[ The scene pauses, as Mary’s heads appears in the middle of the screen ]

Mary Gross: Notice how the little finger is extended. A clinically accepted indication that someone is already halfway out of the closet! Wise up, Chris!

[ the scene starts up again ]

James Coburn: [ noticing Christine’s dress ] That’s a lovely dress you’re.. almost wearing.

Christine Ebersole: [ laughing ] It’s silk.

James Coburn: Is it?

Christine Ebersole: Just like my sheets.

James Coburn: [ laughing, grabs her shoulder ] Well, I bet if I twist this right off the shoulder, the whole thing would fall right down around your.. lovely ankles.

[ another pause in the action, as Mary appears on the side of the screen ]

Mary Gross: Sure, Chris. He’d love to take off your dress. So he can put in on himself.

[ the scene starts up again ]

Christine Ebersole: It’s getting late, Jim.. I’ve got to go..

James Coburn: Oh, no.. come on, have another glass of champagne. [ he reaches for the basket of pretzels on the counter, but grabs the bartender’s hand instead ]

[ a final pause, as Mary’s head appears at the bottom of the questionable scene ]

Mary Gross: A picture is worth a thousand words. Bon appetit, Jim!

[ the scene wraps itself up ]

James Coburn: Well, Chris.. if you want to come over to my dressing room, and change over there.. and, afterwards, champagne in the fridge..

Christine Ebersole: I’d love to!

Eddie Murphy: [ approaches James, angry ] James, you bitch!

James Coburn: Eddie, we’re not going to have one of your.. jealous scenes, now are we?

Eddie Murphy: You know, James, what you need is a very thorough spanking!

James Coburn: [ wraps his arms around Eddie ] Promises, promises.. come on. [ they walk off ]

Mary Gross: [ walks up to Christine ] Told you so! Can’t judge a book by its cover, huh? Guess I was right all along, wasn’t I? [ Christine mopes ] Oh, come on, Miss Irresistable. Stop moping. We’ve got a show to do! [ wraps her arm around Christine as they walk off ]

[ the scene pauses, as James appears on the side of the screen ]

James Coburn: As it’s been said: “Can’t judge a book by its cover.”

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 11

81k: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

Jesus in Blue Jeans

Jerry Falwell…..Brian Doyle-Murray

Jerry Falwell: Parents, are you troubled by moral decay, rampantamong today’s teenagers? Hello, I’m Reverand Jerry Falwell. Have you everwondered what your young people are listening to on those tiny headphonesof theirs? I can assure you it’s not our Master’s voice. No, sir,it’s the secret stereophonic whisperings of Satan. How many times have weseen a youngster listen to a rock and roll recording, and then talk back tohis parents and fornicate? Never forget that it’s only a short skip fromthe phonographic needle to the hypodermic needle. Rock and roll music isthe Devil’s music – until now. Because for just $9.98, you can use thissame music to deliver your children from evil. It’s all here in my newborn-again rock and roll collection: Jesus in Blue Jeans. Youget 24 great rock hits, but no sex and no drugs – just good rockin’ lovesongs to God. Here’s just some of what you get.

[ SUPER: “Help Me, Jesus ]
Jingle:
“Help me, Jesus, Help, help me, Jesus
Help me, Jesus, Help, help me, Jesus!
Help me, Jesus, Help, help me, Jesus
Help me, Jesus, Help, help me, Jesus!”

Jerry Falwell: These are great rock and roll classics.

Jingle:
“It’s my party, and I’ll pray if I want to
pray if I want to
pray if I want to.
You would pray, too, if it happened to you!”

Jerry Falwell: “The Messiah’s Back”.

Jingle:
“The Messiah’s back, and there’s gonna be trouble.
(Hey-la, hey-la, the Messiah’s back!)
Satan’s here, you’d better cut out on the double.
(Hey-la, hey-la, the Messiah’s back!)”

Jerry Falwell: And how about my personal favorite..

Jingle:
“Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got God in my tummy..”

Jerry Falwell: You even get this great Christmas classic:

Jingle:
“Baby Lord, my Baby Lord
I need you, oh how I need you.”

Jerry Falwell: Ah, my Lord, that’s righteous music! If youlove your children, just send me that $9.98. But remember the Lord worksin mysterious ways, so allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. And, if you ordernow, we’ll send you, absolutely free, a one-year subscription to AllAlong the Watchtower magazine. Send for my record today, or burnin hellfire eternal.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 6th, 1982

James Coburn

Lindsay Buckingham

Marc Weiner

None
The President’s BirthdaySummary: Frank sinatra (Joe Piscopo) sings a medley in celebration of President Ronald Reagan’s birthday.

Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra.

Transcript

Montage

James Coburn’s Monologue

Reach Out And Touch SomeoneTranscript

I Married A MonkeySummary: During a family vacation to Disneyland, Tim (Tim Kazurinsky) discovers that Madge is having an affair with a gas station jockey (James Coburn).

Recurring Characters: Tim.

Transcript

Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodRecurring Characters: Mister Robinson, Mr. Landlord.

Jesus in Blue JeansSummary: Jerry Falwell (Brian Doyle-Murray) pitches a new rock album with Christian-friendly lyrics.

Recurring Characters: Jerry Falwell.

Transcript

Lindsay Buckingham performs “Bwana”

Signs of HomosexualitySummary: Christine Ebersole is smitten with James Conurn until close friend Mary Gross points out her tell-tale signs that their host for the evening is a homosexual.

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurrayRecurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Muhammed.

Victims of 60 MinutesRecurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Reagan’s BirthdayRecurring Characters: Ed Reese.

Lindsay Buckingham performs “Trouble”

Unique Perspectives

Those Crazy Taboosters

Don’t Let it Show

Marc WeinerSummary: Marc Weiner performs a stand-up routine that employs a nautical theme and plenty of spray for tthe audience.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 10

81j: John Madden / Jennifer Holliday

Goodnights

…..Marv Thorneberry
…..John Madden

Marv Thornberry: I still don’t know why I did this show.

[Everyone on stage laughs]

John Madden: I don’t know why I did, either, but it was great! We had a heck of a time. Thank you, Jennifer, and everyone.

Submitted by: Kyleman88

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Guest Writers:


January 30th, 1982

John Madden

Jennifer Holliday

Andy Kaufman

Marv Throneberry

Bob Zmuda

Brent Musberger

Jim Downey

Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Bengals Locker Room

Montage

Johnny Carson School of Acting

Betty BeerSummary: The bitch brew that proves broads can hold their own in a drinking man’s world.

Poetry Corner

Lou Grant

Jennifer Holliday performs “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

The Uncle Tom ShowRecurring Characters: Tom Snyder, Buckwheat, Captain Kangaroo.

Inside Story

Jennifer Holliday performs “One Night Only”

Mob Nicknames

Andy Kaufman

Super Bowl to Saturday Night Live

Solomon & PudgeRecurring Characters: Solomon, Pudge.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 9

81i: Robert Conrad / The Allman Brothers Band

Wild Wild Wild West

Written by: Brian Doyle-Murray, Del Close.

Abraham Lincoln…..Tony Rosato
Aide #1…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Aide #2…..Nate Herman
James West…..Robert Conrad
Artemus Gordon…..Joe Piscopo
Velvet Jones…..Eddie Murphy
Hos…..Robin Duke, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross
Ulysses S. Grant…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ open on animated graphics for “Wild Wild Wild West” ]

[ dissolve to exterior hall, Ford Theater, as President Abraham Lincoln and his wife appear with some of his advisors ]

President Abraham Lincoln: Look, gentlemen — please! No more talk of military strategy this evening, please! I merely want to relax this evening and see a play with my wife.

Mary Todd Lincoln: [ whining ] Abraham, it’s getting ready to start!

President Abraham Lincoln: I’ll be with you in a second, honey… [ he kicks her into the balcony area ]

Aide #1: This is URGENT, Mr. President! General Grant is a DRUNK! It’s common knowledge! He should be fired!

Aide #2: Look, Sir — They say, at the Battle of Vicksburg, he threw up on his horse.

President Abraham Lincoln: He threw up on his horse? Well, nevertheless, gentlemen, he wins my battles for me!

Aide #1: Yeah, but the next morning he calls everyone to apologize!

Aide #2: Just FIRE the man, Sir! Honest, Abe — The man just can’t hold his whiskey!

President Abraham Lincoln: I’ll tell you something: If I could just find out the kind of whiskey Grant drinks, why I’d send a CASE of it to each of my generals! [ thinking ] That’s not a bad idea. Not a bad idea! [ he looks over ] James! Artemus! Come here for a minute!

[ James West and Artemus Gordon rush forward ]

James West: Yes, Mr. President?

President Abraham Lincoln: Gentlemen! I want you to meet James West and Artemus Gordon — my two Secret Service men.

James West: How do you do?

President Abraham Lincoln: Gentlemen, I have a special mission for you. I want you to find out what kind of whiskey Grant drinks, and send a case of it to each of my generals.

James West: May we ask why, Sir?

President Abraham Lincoln: Well, if they drink the whiskey, they’ll win more battles like General Grant.

James West: [ he clears his throat ] Yes, Sir. Very good. Do you have any idea where General Grant might be found, Sir?

Aide #2: He’s probably DRUNK someplace.

Aide #1: He’s drunk EVERY place!

President Abraham Lincoln: Well, he’s also celebrating a victory tonight, so you’ll probably find him in the best brothel in Washington.

Mary Todd Lincoln: [ calling ] Abraham! Get in here!

President Abraham Lincoln: I’ll be there in a second, honey, cool off!

[ Lincoln reluctantly follows her into the balcony, as West and Gordon retreat for their mission ]

[ dissolve to brothel scene, revealing Velvet Jones surrounded by hos ]

Velvet Jones: One of you hos better get me a Mint Julep before I kick your butt!

[ one of the hos gets up, as a bell rings ]

Velvet Jones: Hey, one of you hos better answer that door before I kick your other butt!

[ James West enters ]

Velvet Jones: Greetings, my friend! Welcome to my house of joy! We’ve got everything! Exactly, what is it that you’re looking for?

James West: I’m looking for a man with a beard wearing the uniform of a general in the amy of the Potomac!

Velvet Jones: Well, I’m afraid we specialize in WHITE WOMEN! [ he smiles coyly ]

James West: So I’ve heard, Mr. Velvet Jones!

Velvet Jones: [ slightly shaken ] Oh! You know me?

James West: Velvet Jones: Disgruntled runaway slave-turned mad scientist, inventor, and trafficker of white slavery.

Velvet Jones: I don’t like to think of it as white slavery. I prefer to think of it as affirmative action! My hos are HAPPY hos! Listen to they sing as they work! [ calling out ] SING, you hos!

Hos: [ singing ]
“Nobody knows… the trouble I’ve seeeeeen…”

Velvet Jones: [ smiling ] They LIKE it here!

[ West goes over to the women and waves a hand in front of their glazed eyes ]

James West: What’s wrong with these women?

Velvet Jones: Well… first, I hypnotize them with my eyes and my love rap! You see, after 200 years of oppression, the Black man is entitled to a little unpaid domestic help. I’ve had it with the South, I’ve had it with the North; I’ve had it with the East, and I’ve had it with YOU, West! [ he approaches a closet door ] That’s why I’m going 100 years into the future with my latest own invention — my Time Machine! Where a man, a hundred years from now, could own some White people in my own native country of South Africa!

James West: I’m not interested in your visions of Utopia! All I want is General Grant, Velvet!

Velvet Jones: Alright. I’ll show you your General Grant. [ he flicks a switch, as a wall spins around ] It’s as simple as that!

[ on the other side of the wall, a groggy, tied General Grant appear ]

Ulysses S. Grant: I need a drink…! Get me a drink…! Oh, excuse me, who am I to ask for a drink? I’m General GRANT!! Get me a drink!! Please!

[ one of the hos removes Grant’s sword ]

Ho #3: Left face! Right face! Left face! right face! Forward, march!

[ Grant struggles amid his ropes as he takes these orders ]

James West: That’s enough. He’s coming with ME!

Ulysses S. Grant: A drink…!

James West: But, first — What kind of whiskey does he drink?

Velvet Jones: Whiskey? Hell, he finished all my whiskey in TEN minutes! Then, he drank all my Rum and two bottles of Sambuca!

James West: Well, he’s coming with ME, now!

Velvet Jones: Not so fast! He’s not gonig ANYWHERE until I get $10,000!

James West: A $10,000 ransom?

Velvet Jones: That’s not ransom, that’s his BAR BILL! And not even to mention the three dollars he owe me for the ten minutes he spent with Carleen!

James West: The United States Government will NOT pay your blackmail OR your White women!

Velvet Jones: Hey, man, listen — I’m not trying to cheat you. You can add it up for yourself. See here. [ he pulls out the bar tab ] The man had two pitchers of Harvey Wallbangers, two stolen grapefruit, a quart of Bristol Creme, Occuvee, a cask of Champail, Schnapp’s — twelve dozen, mind you — Grand Marnier to boot! BIG money!

Ulysses S. Grant: How ’bout a nightcap?! Come on, just… one! A little one…! I’ll suck the bar rag…

Velvet Jones: Pay up, West!

James West: I’m not paying you, Jones! And, besides — I don’t have that kind of money!

Velvet Jones: Well, I’m sorry to hear that. Girls!

[ the hos move forward with stabbing knives ]

Velvet Jones: I can’t stick around, Mr. West. But I WILL leave you with my latest invention. I call it the Hy… the Atom Bomb! [ he cracks a smile as he carries the bomb toward West ] Here you are, Mr. West! I set the timer. [ he drops the bomb into West’s hands ] Goodbye, Mr. West!

[ Velvet laughs maniacally as he disappears into his Time Machine closet ]

James West: I’m sorry to do this, Ma’am…

[ West punches the hos in their faces, then nearly punches Gordon in disguise ]

Artemus Gordon: It’s ME!!

James West: Ohhhh, Artie…! Oh, Artie, you master of disguise, you! I thought you was one of them HOS!

Artemus Gordon: Noooo, these aren’t hos! These are nice girls from good families! Yeah, they’ve just been hypnotized into submission.

[ the hos come to ]

Ho #1: Wha… what happened…?

Ho #2: Where am I…?

Ho #3: Oh, thank you, Sir! I needed that!

Artemus Gordon: Hey — Hey, where did Jones go?

James West: [ pointing ] Well, he jumped in there!

Artemus Gordon: I’ll check it out, Jim! [ he opens the closet door ] He’s GONE, Jim! The closet’s empty!

James West: That’s not a closet! Artie… that’s a TIME MACHINE!

Ho #1: I… I remember what happened. He… he used to make us go into the FUTURE! To CONVENTIONS in KANSAS CITY!

James West: Artie — the BOMB! We’ve GOT to get rid of it!

Artemus Gordon: Wait… Jim! If we could disarm this bomb, it MIGHT save THOUSANDS of lives! And if it’s as powerful as I think it is, the Civil War could end TOMORROW!

James West: How about it, General?

Ulysses S. Grant: I don’t need any lousy bomb…! Just give me a DRINK, and I’ll massacre them SINGLEHANDEDLY!! Gvie me a drink! You!

James West: Then, we’ll have to dispose of this bomb before it goes off, Artie.

Artemus Gordon: Jim, why don’t you throw it into the future? That’ll take care of it, huh?

James West: Heeeey… good thinking, Artie!

Artemus Gordon: Thanks, Jim!

James West: [ setting the controls ] 1945.

Artemus Gordon: Good work, Jim!

Hos: Can we go home now? Are we free? Are we free?

James West: Yes, you’re free… But you won’t be able to vote for 55 more years.

Ulysses S. Grant: Bartender?! Un sombrero, por favor! Snappy!

[ West cuts Grant loose, as the scene dissolves back to Lincoln, who delivers his first line over the previous scene ]

President Abraham Lincoln: So you sent the bomb into the future, where it wouldn’t hurt anybody? Well, that’s good, West! Good work! And good work, you, too, Gordon! [ West sidles into the frame ] But, now, listen — One other mission, that’s what I’m waiting to hear.

[ Mary Todd Lincoln pokes her head out from the balcony ]

Mary Todd Lincoln: Abraham! You DON’T want to miss the second act!

President Abraham Lincoln: She’s crazy; the first act STUNK!

Mary Todd Lincoln: Abraham! Abraham!

President Abraham Lincoln: Get off my case, Mary, will’ya, Mary?!

[ she returns to the balcony, as Gordon steps forward adjusting an Abraham Lincoln costume ]

President Abraham Lincoln: Look, uh, Artemus, you master of disguise, uh… How about it? Would you mind?

Artemus Gordon: I have got you covered, Mr. President.

President Abraham Lincoln: Thank you very much.

[ Gordon enters the balcony ]

President Abraham Lincoln: Now, Jim — What exactly does Grant drink?

James West: ANYTHING! Anything at all! I’ve seen him drink PAINT! The man will drink KEROSENE out of a lighted lamp! SHOE POLISH!

President Abraham Lincoln: Shoe polish?

James West: SHOE POLISH!

President Abraham Lincoln: What color?

[ they exit down the hall ]

James West: What color?

President Abraham Lincoln: Well, maybe we can get some cases and have them sent ot each of my generals…

[ suddenly, John Wilkes Booth enters the hall, whips out a pistol, and proceeds to enter the balcony to assassinate Gordon as the music stings and the screen shrinks into the title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 9

81i: Robert Conrad / The Allman Brothers Band

A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: [ over title card ] And now, “A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney.”

[ dissolve to Rooney seated at cluttered desk ]

Andy Rooney: I’ve been doing some serious thinking about the Equal Rights Amendment. I’ve always felt that all people were created equal. Of course, some women are more equal than others.

Did’ja ever notice women’s BREASTS? There’re so many different kinds. Basically, they come in four sizes: Small… [ image: Little Orphan Annie ] Medium… [ image: Jane Pauley ] Large… [ image: Annette Funicello ] and Kate Smith. [ image: Kate Smith ] God bless America, Kate… and God bless women.

Did’ja ever notice how many different names there are for women’s breasts? There’s bosoms, balloons, bonkers, bonkers, hooters, noonies, knobs and jugs. And then there’s zeppelins, Dairy Queens, space warmers, Grand Tetons and love pillows. Of course, my favorite has always been: Twin Cinemas.

You know what really bothers me? MEN with breasts! [ image: two fat men with bulging breasts ] Why do they always wear Ban-lon shirts?

Did’ja ever hear the expression “Tit for tat”? What’s a TAT?!

Speaking of Equal Rights, why are there soem breasts you can show on television and others you can’t? For example, you can’t show these: [ image: supermodel with black bars over breasts ] …but you can show these: [ video footage: naked African native women ]

Did’ja ever notice that some men are preoccupied with one subject?

Whatever happened to falsies?

Did’ja ever go to a wet t-shirt contest?

And what does “Walking a breast” mean? I could never figure that one out. I could never figure the E.R.A. out…

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts