Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 9

81i: Robert Conrad / The Allman Brothers Band

Newsbreak Preview

…..Mary Gross
Judge…..Tim Kazurinsky
Jack Henry Abbott…..Robert Conrad
Lou Costello…..Tony Rosato

[ open on SNL Newsbreak desk ]

Mary Gross: Jack Henry Abbott was convicted of manslaughter in New York this week. Abbott is the protege of author Norman Mailer, who aided ni his relase from prison and in the publication of his book. Controversial trials are familiar to Mailer, who has had a bestsell about convicted murderer Gary Gilmore. “SNL Newsbreak” has learned that Mailer has already begin work on a TV-movie based on the Abbott trial. Here is an exclusive sneal-prview of a scene from that film.

[ fade to black, then fade up on courtroom scene ]

Judge: [ banging gavel ] Thank you, Mr. Abbott! Your witness, Mr. Costello!

Lou Costello: Thank you very much, Your Honor! [ he smacks the witness stand ] Now, Mr. Abbott… [ he taps his fingers along his bulging belly ] Where were you on the night of the Fourth?

Jack Henry Abbott: On the night of the Fourth? I was on Second and Fifth.

Lou Costello: And did you go there first?

Jack Henry Abbott: No. First, I was on Third.

Lou Costello: Well, when were you on Second?

Jack Henry Abbott: Second!

Lou Costello: That’s what I’m asking YOU!!

Jack Henry Abbott: That’s what I’m TELLING you!!

Lou Costello: Well, let me get this straight — On the night of the Fourth, were you on Second?

Jack Henry Abbott: Not at first.

Lou Costello: Well, that’s what I SAID! You were on SECOND, and not at FIRST!

Jack Henry Abbott: I was on Third at first.

Lou Costello: I thought you just said you were on Swcond and Fifth?!

Jack Henry Abbott: I WAS!! [ he slaps Costello across the face ]

Lou Costello: [ he stumbles about and wheezes ] Let me get this straight, Mr. Abbott — You’re saying that on the night of the Fourth, before you went to Second, you were at Third, FIRST?!

Jack Henry Abbott: I’m not saying anything! I’m taking the FIFTH! [ he smacks the witness stand ]

[ Costello screams and spins around ]

Judge: You CAN’T take the Fifth! If you want to take the Fifth, you gotta say that FIRST! [ he bangs the gavel on Costello’s hand ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 9

81i: Robert Conrad / The Allman Brothers Band

Overexposed Characters

Velvet Jones…..Eddie Murphy Paulie Herman…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on Velvet Jones ]

Velvet Jones: Hello! As you may already know, I’m Velvet Jones! You will never see me again on this show, because, tonight, I died from overexposure! Thus, I’d like to introduce a friend of mine who died from overexposure just last year!

[ Paulie Herman appears, grinning wildly ]

Paulie Herman: Hi! I’m from Jersey! [ he laughs maniacally ] Are you from Jersey? [ he laughs maniacally ] Yes, uh, that is correct! I, too, know all too well the difficulties of overexposure, having appeared on this show one too many times! So I am pleased to announce that Velvet and I are moving to the Garden State of New Jersey! [ he laughs maniacally ]

Velvet Jones: “I’m from Jersey! Are you Jersey?”

Paulie Herman: “Get me a ho! I’m a ho! Are you a ho?” [ he laughs maniacally ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 9

81i: Robert Conrad / The Allman Brothers Band

In The News

Narrator…..Joe Piscopo

Narrator: In The News: Movie star Elizabeth Taylor.

As a child, she appeared in a famous movie about a horse, called: “National Velvet”. When Liz reached puberty, many men wanted to marry her.

Movie star Elizabeth Taylor: “In The News”.

[ title card appears over image of Liz ]

The first person she married was Conrad Hilton, Jr.

Liz then married Michael Wilding, a man old enough to be her father. Liz had what is called… a “Father Fixation.”

Mike Todd, the next man Liz married, was rich; so rich, he owned a private plane that crashed into a mountain. Liz was very sad. So she married Mr. Todd’s best friend — Eddie Fisher. It didn’t bother Liz that Eddie was already marrid to Debbie Reynolds. Because Liz is what we call… a “home wrecker.”

Eddie Fisher made her happy, but Richard Burton made her even happier. So happy, they got married, had lots of sex, and made many bad movies together. The marriage was a living hell, so they got divorced. Then, they got married. Then, they got divorced. Then, Liz got FAT.

Then, Liz got with John Warner, an ambitious politican who was running for the Senate. Voters liked Miss Taylor because she wore no underpants. Guess what? They’re legally separated!

Who will Elizabeth Taylor marry next? Will it be Zeb Buchman, a rich, old producer? Or will it be “General Hospital”‘s ??, a young stud, just like National Velvet?

Elizabeth Taylor, a famous Hollywood star: In The News.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 9

81i: Robert Conrad / The Allman Brothers Band

The People’s Court

Doug Llewelyn…..Joe Piscopo
Paulette Clooney…..Robin Duke
Velvet Jones…..Eddie Murphy
Joseph Wapner…..Robert Conrad
Spectators…..Yvonne Hudson, Neil Levy, Liz Welch

Doug Llewelyn V/O: [ over scroll ] What you are about to witness is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual people who have agreed to appear on…

[ dissolve to courtroom setting, with title card ]

Doug Llewelyn V/O: “The People’s Court”.

[ the courtroom doors open, and Paulette Clooney enters, stepping over the seats to her table ]

Doug Llewelyn V/O: This is the Plaintiff — Paulette Cooney. She claims she psent $12.95 on a book, which didn’t deliver what it promised. She is suing the author for false advertising.

[ Paulette removes her fur coat to reveal tiny bra-covered breasts, as Velvet Jones saunters into the courtroom ]

Doug Llewelyn V/O: This is the Defendant — Velvet Jones. Founder of the Velvet Jones School of Technology and author of the book in question.

[ Velvet smiles wide for the camera, as Paulette scratches her hairy armpit ]

Doug Llewelyn V/O: Who’s right? That’s what Judge Wopner is about to decide.

[ Judge Wopner enters the courtroom and takes a seat at his desk ]

Judge Wopner: Uh, Miss — I know you’ve been sworn in, I’ve read your complaint. Would you please tell us what happened?

Paulette Clooney: Yeah, okay — I, uh, was lying around my, uh, hotel room down at the Hotel Earl, and I was watching the, uh, “Joe Franklin Show”. And I see this greaseball over here holding up a BOOK he says is gonna change my life!

Judge Wopner: Do you have a copy of the book in question?

Velvet Jones: YES, My Honor! [ he holds up his ook proudly ] “I Wanna Be A Ho!” [ he begins his pitch ] Are you a woman between the ages 18 and 34? If you are, you can make up to $1500 dollars a week —

Paulette Clooney: Yeah, my BACK SIDE, Your Honor! I didn’t see Buck ONE!

Judge Wopner: Uh, Miss Clooney… I take it you sent away for this book?

Paulette Clooney: Yeah, I did! I said to myself, “I’m tired of bein’ a waitress!” You know? “Why am I bustin’ my BUTT down at the Cafe Ole, when I can be sellin’ it for BUCKS down on 8th Avenue?”

Judge Wopner: Mr. Jones, you list your profession as “Educator”. Uh, could you tell us a little about that, please?

Velvet Jones: I’m glad you asked that question, My Honor! [ speaking to the camera ] Founded in 1979, the Velvet Jones School of Technology does many, many things to help man, many people make lots and lots of money! Why, we can even help you get your high school equivalency diploma! It’s as simple as that!

Paulette Clooney: Sheesh! Bite my BUM, fella! You’re just tryin’ to sign your way out of it!

Velvet Jones: My Honor, this is an OUTRAGE!

Judge Wopner: [ banging his gavel ] ORDER, please! Miss Clooney… did you follow the instructions in the book?

Paulette Clooney: Yeah, you bet your sweet BUNS, I did! I’ll tell ya’ — I read it, it says in Chapter One, Go down to a corner where there’s lots and lots of men…” So, I tidied myself up a bit, I go hang around the Port Authority — NOTHIN’!! So, then I read Chapter Two. It says that I BE SUGGESTIVE! So… every time a guy goes by, I pull my top out like THIS! [ she lowers the top of her bra ] NOTHIN’!! Then, I tried hikin’ up my skirt like THIS! [ she turns, bends over and raises her skirt ] NOTHIN’!! So, finally, these, uh, these two guys in a cab were cruisin’ by, see? So I walk over to the cab, hike up my skirt, press some ham — NOTHIN’!! Your Honor — I didn’t even make TRAIN FARE! Finally, I’ll tell ya’ this much — Some NUT comes up to me, see? And he says he’ll give me three bucks to put my fist in my mouth like THIS! [ she shoves her fist into her mouth ]

Velvet Jones: My Honor. To achieve success, you cannot do what this woman evidently done. You must read EVERY chapter of the book. She should have read Chapter Three, entitled: “Would I Make a Good Ho?” She cannot skip from chapter to chapter; thus, there were no results! [ he smiles into the camera ]

Paulette Clooney: Cut me a BREAK, would’ya, feller? The book’s a BONER!

Judge Wopner: Mr. Jones… is there anything you would like to say in your defense?

Velvet Jones: Yes, My Honor. As you very well know, not everyone can be a ho. I think I can clear this up just three words: Da bitch UGLY!

Paulette Clooney: Hey! Hey! Hey, come on! Come on!

Judge Wopner: [ thinking ] I’ve heard both sides of the argument… and I’ve come to a decision. Mr. Jones, you have a right to sell books. Miss Clooney, you have a right to expect the book to provide you useful information. However, in my opinion… the court… the Plaintiff rules… The court rules that the Plaintiff is not suited for the job she seeks. Let’s face it… She’s a pig. We’re talking U.S.D.A. pork on the hoof! We are talking MAJOR sow! Court rules for Mr. Jones! [ he slam his gavel ]

[ cut to Doug Llewelyn in the hall ]

Doug Llewelyn: Well, we’ve heard the Judge’s decision in favor of the Defendant — Velvet Jones. Let’s see if he — uh, here he comes right now! [ he grabs Velvet’s shoulder as he exits the courtroom ] Velvet Jones! Uh, Velvet, you must be very happy with the Judge’s decision.

Velvet Jones: Yes! And I’d just like to say: At the Velvet Jones School of Technology, we’re having a BIG sale! All our 1981 hos MUST GO! And ALL at the low, low price of just $19.95! So think: “Ho, ho ho! Cheistmas isn’t over yet!” Buy a ho from Velvet Jones, and start your new year off with a BANG!

[ Velvet walks off ]

Doug Llewelyn: Thank you, Mr. Jones. Thank you. This is Doug Llewelyn remind you that the next tiem you have a problem, don’t take the law into your own hands; Take it to “The People’s Court.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 23rd, 1982

Robert Conrad

The Allman Brothers Band

None

None
The People’s CourtSummary: Paulette Clooney (Robin Duke) sues Velvet Jones (Eddie Murphy) because his self-help book didn’t turn her into a successful ho.

Recurring Characters: Doug Llewelyn, Judge Wapner, Paulette Clooney, Velvet Jones.

Transcript

Montage

In The NewsSummary: The history of Elizabeth Taylor is explored through the men she has married and possible contenders for her next marriage.

Transcript

Wild Wild Wild WestSummary: President Abraham Lincoln (Tony Rosato) sends James West (Robert Conrad) and Artemus Gordon (Joe Piscopo) on a mission to find out what General Ulysses S. Grant (Tim Kazurinsky) drinks, but they end up sparring with Velvet Jones (Eddie Murphy), an atom bomb, a time machine and an army of hos.

Recurring Characters: Velvet Jones.

Transcript

The Allman Brothers Band performs “Midnight Rider”

Babies in MakeupSummary: In a short film by Edward Bianchi, babies and toddlers are glammed up to the sounds of “Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)” by The Doors.

Overexposed CharactersSummary: Velvet Jones (Eddie Murphy) announces that he has joined Paulie Herman’s (Joe Piscopo) ranks as an overexposed character.

Recurring Characters: Velvet Jones, Paulie Herman.

Transcript

Newsbreak PreviewSummary: Mary Gross previews an upcoming story, in which lawyer Lou Costello (Tony Rosato) cross-examines criminal-author Jack Henry Abbott (Robert Conrad) through a “Who’s On First?” variant.

Recurring Characters: Lou Costello.

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurraySummary: Sports reporter Joe Piscopo uses the competing technologies of Atari and Intellivision to demonstrate how the San Francisco 49ers will beat the Cincinnati Bengals at tomorrow’s Super Bowl. Meteorologist Christine Ebersole thinks the wind-chill factor is stupid.

Battle of the WeekSummary: A group of Las Vegas showgirls compete against the members of a volunteer army in a latrine-cleaning challenge.

Recurring Characters: Vic Salukin.

A Few Minutes with Andy RooneySummary: Andy Rooney (Joe Piscopo) rambles on the subject of breasts.

Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.

Transcript

The Allman Brothers Band performs “Southbound”

The Nixon MansionSummary: G. Gordon Liddy (Robert Conrad) pressures Richard Nixon (Tony Rosato) for a comeback, claiming that Franklin Delano Roosevelt (Tim Kazurinsky) was just as ruthless and decitful in his day.

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon, G. Gordon Liddy, Franklin Roosevelt, Elenour Roosevelt, Albert Einstein.

Family TraditionSummary: Christine Ebersole’s less-talented sister Nancy Sue Ebersole (Christine Ebersole) is invited to perform on “Saturday Night Live”.

The Allman Brothers Band performs “One Way Out”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 8

81h: Bill Murray / The Spinners

Tales of the Unlikely

Tour Guide…..Mary Gross
Tourist #1…..Tim Kazurinsky
Tourist #2…..Mark O’Donnell
Libyan #1…..Bill Murray
Libyan #2…..Eddie Murphy
Libyan #3…..Robin Duke
Doris…..Christine Ebersole
Tom Bryant…..Joe Piscopo
Richard Allen…..Tony Rosato

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: “Tales of the Unlikely”. Tonight’s episode: (Chapter Seven:) “The Libyan Menace”. In our last episode, the mighty Libyan fleet, lying in wait on our eastern coast, was scattered by freak winds and sent in humiliation back to Tripoli. The insane Colonel Kadaffi, vowing revenge, swore a mighty oath on “ABC News: Nightline” to take the living hearts of President Reagan, the joint chiefs of staff and Henry Hyde (Republican-Illinois) and feed them to the jackals. Meanwhile, at the White House, new intrigue brews.

[ dissolve to image of the White House ]

[ dissolve to lobby ]

Tour Guide: Follow me, ladies and gentlemen… [ tour group follows her ] This is the White House lobby. I think you’ll agree that it CERTAINLY beats anything they have in, say, Libya! This is the Taft Table, and it’s named for our HEAVIEST president.

Tourist #1: Uh — I have a question. Uh — Who is our STUPIDEST president?

Tour Guide: President Ford! Any other questions?

Tourist #1: Have any of our presidents been, uh… insane?

Tour Guide: Oh! No, no… this isn’t Libya, where a certifiable MAD MAN is in power! Now, if you’ll step through the door, our next stop will be the Rose Garden! Right through here, please.

[ the tourists exit into the next room, as a trio of Libyans surround the Tour Guide ]

Libyan #1: We have question.

Tour Guide: Yes?

Libyan #1: When does tour see President Reagan?

Tour Guide: I’m sorry?

Libyan #1: When does tour get so clsoe to him you can reach out and touch his throat?

Libyan #2: Or maybe throw a knife at him, if one wanted to?

Libyan #3: Oh. Uh — we don’t. We wish to honor him.

Libyan #1: We are not hitting!

Tour Guide: Well, I’m sorry. The President is asleep. In fact, we should keep our voices down. Once he wakes up, we have a DEVIL of a time getting him back to bed! Now, if you’ll all follow me, we’ll see the White House Rose Garden.

Libyan #1: Of course.

Tour Guide: Stay to the left, please!

[ the Tour Guide exits ]

Libyan #2: Colonel Kadaffi will be MOST unpleased.

Libyan #3: Shall I release the cobra?

Libyan #1: Silence! There MUST be a way!

Libyan #2: I left the scorpions in the taxi cab.

Libyan #1: Shh! Wait! I have it!

[ Lead Libyan huddles around his terrorists and laughs maniacally ]

[ dissolve to Central Intelligence Agency, as agent Tom Bryant dips a fake flower lapel in poison ]

Doris: Uh, Mr. Bryant?

Tom Bryant: Yes?

Doris: Uh, there are three students here. Uh, they say they really are students, only they don’t have their I.D.’s because they say they left them on the bus. Could you talk to them, please?

Tom Bryant: Uh, yes. I’ll take care of it, Doris. Thank you. [ he approaches the counter ] Hello. Tom Bryant, Covert Operations.

Libyan #1: Hello. We are three students, although we appear too old to be.

Libyan #3: We are EXCHANGE students! Uh, from the Middle East.

Libyan #2: From the Middle East, but NOT from Libya!

Tom Bryant: Oh. Uh, well, what could the C.I.A. do for you?

Libyan #1: Uh — Well, we are writing a term paper for school on Assassination of Presidents in Western Democracy.

Tom Bryant: Uh… I see.

Libyan #2: Uh, yes — and we are wondering about reference material.

Tom Bryant: Um… uh-huh?

Libyan #1: Well, we are not actually gonna do it late tonight, or maybe tomorrow afternoon.

Libyan #3: Just a paper, for school! Honestly!

Tom Bryant: Oh, I see! I see now! Well, uh, let’s take a look, we have some pamphlets and brochures that the agency has prepared. Uh, here’s one, let’s see… [ he grabs some pamphlets ] “Termination of Chief Executives: Dos and Don’ts.” Uhhh, oh! Here’s one, it’s called: “So You Want To Kill The President.” Now, will these help you at all?

Libyan #1: Yes, that is PERFECT!

Tom Bryant: [ chuckling ] Uh, but you understand we drew these up only in the unlikely event that there was a LUNATIC in office, like that NUTCASE they’ve got over in Libya!

[ the trio gives Bryant a dirty look ]

Libyan #2: We understand! Why should we be upset because of your attack on Kaddafi?

Libyan #3: Yes! Your tongue should NOT be cut out for your impudence!

Tom Bryant: Now, if you guys need anything else — because I’m telling you I do have some other things right over here… [ he reaches into his desk, as the Libyans collect all the other pamphlets from the rack ] Here we go, this is “Disposing of Weapons.” Yeah. And, oh, this is a favorite of mine, it’s always been. It’s called “Intimidation of Investigative Committees.”

Libyan #1: No. No, thank you very much. This will do it!

Tom Bryant: Oh, okay, guys! Good luck on your report, alright?

[ the Libyans exit ]

Tom Bryant: Oh, uh, Doris?

Doris: Yes, Mr. Bryant?

Tom Bryant: Did you get all those papers shredded that I asked you to do?

Doris: Uh, yes, Mr. Bryant. Countersigned and shredded.

Tom Bryant: Oh, great to hear that, that’s wonderful.

Doris: Oh, I wanted to show you… [ she opens up the latest issue of Newsweek, with Kaddafi on the cover ]

Tom Bryant: Oh, I was looking at that before! Did you see that right here?

[ dissolve to the White House — night ]

[ dissolve to the lobby, as a doorbell rings ]

[ Richard Allen enters and looks around ]

Richard Allen: Julius? Could you get that? Rosemary? Never mind, dammit! I’ll get it myself! Yeah, I’m coming, I’m coming!

[ he answers the door to the Libyans dressed as the Magi ]

Libyan #1: Can we come in? We are three kings from Orient, although we look too young to be!

Libyan #3: Yes! Bearing gifts. We travel afar.

Libyan #2: But NOT from Libya!

Richard Allen: I see, I see…

Libyan #1: Are you the butler?

Richard Allen: [ chuckling ] No, no, no, no. You see, the staff is evidently off tonight, being Christmas Eve and all. I’m Richard Allen, the National Secueity Advisor. Yes. I was just coming in to clean out my desk — and a few of the others!

Libyan #3: Well… is the President at home?

Richard Allen: Well, yes, he is. But he’s sound asleep right now.

Libyan #1: We understand he likes expensive gifts.

Richard Allen: Well… don’t we all?

Libyan #1: We bring him marvelous presents! We have a great present here, to be opened only by him — or when he is nearby.

Richard Allen: I see. Well, it’s rather heavy, isn’t it? What did you get him?

Libyan #1: Uh… gold!

Libyan #2: Frankencense!

Libyan #3: And LADY Frankencense! For Mrs. Reagan!

Richard Allen: I see. [ he grabs the first box ] This is the gold one, isn’t it?

Libyan #1: Yes, yes, yes!

Richard Allen: Ah, well… Well, why don’t I just take all of these, and I’ll put these in the safe — uh, the “file drawers”, I like to call them — and I’ll make sure the President gets them in the morning.

Libyan #2: We beg of you — These are only to be opened by the President, only!

Richard Allen: Well, I may tend to forget, but I’ll make sure he gets them first thing in the morning!

Libyan #1: Thank you, thank you very much!

Libyan #2: Merry Christmas!

Libyan #1: Merry, Merry Christmas!

Richard Allen: Bye!

[ after the Libyans leave, Allen reaches for the present of “gold” and carries into the next room. Suddenly, there’s an explosion, the doors burst open and smoke billows out. ]

[ the Libyans rush back into the lobby ]

Libyan #1: Oh, no! Colonel Kaddafi will be MOST displeased.

[ newspaper headline appears onscreen:
“ALLEN FOILS ASSASSINATION PLOT
President To Be Woken, Told” ]

Announcer: …So the President slumbers innocently by, unaware of the danger that surrounds him. But there is no rest for wicked as, elsewhere in the world, America’s enemies plot further treachery. Join us next week for Chapter Eight: “It Came From El Salvador.” On… “Tales of the Unlikely.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 8

81h: Bill Murray / The Spinners

MX-5 Tampons

Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

[ open on Father Guido Sarducci kneeling before table with product ]

Announcer: [ with SUPER: ] Father Guido Sarducci, for MX-5 Tampons.

Father Guido Sarducci: Maybe you-a think it’s-a strange to-a see a man doing an ad for tampons. But you don’t have to be-a Brenda-a Vacarro to know that some tampons work better than other ones. I know that-a Branda-a’s brand promises you could go swimming, you could play tennis, even that you could run in it. But-a, only the new MX-5 Tampon promises that-a you can-a go on a trampoline. MX-5 Tampon. It’s-a the tampon-a of circus stars! So-a, don’t be-a misled by-a Brenda’s-a brand. Don’t-a be outfoxed by Vacarro. Get-a the new MX-5 Tampon. [ he holds up the box ] MX-5 Tampons is-a the vision of-a Baskin-Robbins!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 8

81h: Bill Murray / The Spinners

Hotel Room

Manager…..Tony Rosato
Tom Snyder…..Joe Piscopo
Delivery Boy…..Tim Kazurinsky
Rona Barrett…..Christine Ebersole

[ open on a figure slumped in a bed in a dingy hotel room ]

TV Announcer: Stay tuned for an encore performance of “The Tomorrow Show”, starring Tom Snyder. Coming soon to this time period — the all-new David Letterman show.

Jingle: “N-B-C! Our pride is showing!”

[ “The Tonight Show” closing theme plays ]

Voice: [ banging on door ] Snyder! Open up! Turn off that TV, will’ya?! Open the door! Snyder!

[ the Manager bursts into the room ]

Manager: Snyder! The rest of the guests are complaining about all the noise up here! [ he turns the TV off ] What the hell’s going on?!

[ Tom Snyder sits up in bed ]

Tom Snyder: You, Sir, remind me of a station manager at KYW in Philadelphia! I don’t have to tell you what a pain in the rear THAT guy was, huh? [ he laughs maniacally ]

Manager: Snyder, what the hell is going on? You don’t even seem to recognize me.

Tom Snyder: I know who you are. You are a gentleman who has written a book in which you claim to be the son of a Mr. Adolph Hitler! Huh? [ he laughs maniacally ]

Manager: Yeah, yeah, look, I’ve hear that all before, Snyder. Now, look — Your show has been cancelled. Okay?

Tom Snyder: Alright…

Manager: Will you try to get over that? I want you take all your stuff here — huh? — Please, pack it all up in the bags and get the hell out of here! Okay? You’ve flipped out into Yo-Yo Land! And, look, Snyder, do yourself a favor, will’ya? Go see a doctor or something, alright?

Tom Snyder: Alright. Thank you, Dr. Frank Fields, for being on our program tonight. [ the Manager exits ] And, uh — Join us a little latr in the show. We will have Supreme Court Justice William Burger AND the Amazing Kreskin.

[ Delivery Boy enters room ]

Delivery Boy: You ordered a sandwich?

Tom Snyder: We’ll be right back with more of tonight’s show, right after these announcements from NBC Television stations coast to coast.

Delivery Boy: It’s $3.50.

Tom Snyder: Fair enough, Sir. Sit down, have a seat! Alright, Sir, alright. [ Delivery Boy sits ] We’re being joined right now by a man who claims to have spent three years with a colony of alien creatures! He’s here tonight to shed some new light on the Kennedy assassination. Please welcome — Ted Turner!

Delivery Boy: Th… thank… thank you. It’s good to be here.

Tom Snyder: Alright. What the hell have you GOT for us, huh? [ he laughs maniacally as he grabs the bag ]

Delivery Boy: Uh — an olive loaf and a kaiser roll. $3.50.

Tom Snyder: Olive loaf! ALRIIIIGHTT!! [ he laughs maniacally ] Shel! Can we get a close-up of this thing, huh? [ he laughs maniacally ] Come in close! You know, how the hell’d they get the OLIVES in there?! [ he laughs maniacally ] That’s a great job — stuffing olives in MEAT! Huh? [ he laughs maniacally as he tosses the olive loaf and the bag ]

[ Rona Barrett materializes at the foot of the bed ]

Rona Barrett: That’s better than having no job, Tom.

Tom Snyder: Rona, you’re just a small-time BITCH fom Brooklyn!

Delivery Boy: [ confused ] Did somebody come in…?

Rona Barrett: Tom, did you hear? I have my own prime-time series, and our viewers are DYING to know what washed-up talk show host in wasting away in a cheap hotel, living on olive loaf.

Tom Snyder: Alright, Miss Rona — You’re short, you have a speech impediment, and you bleach your hair! Now, what the hell do you think of THAT, huh?! [ he laughs maniacally ]

Delivery Boy: [ more confused ] Who are — who are you talking to?!

Tom Snyder: Arrivederci, Rona! [ he laughs maniacally ]

Rona Barrett: Behind the laughter, is a very bitter man.

Tom Snyder: Take a hike, Rona, huh? [ he laughs maniacally ]

[ Rona Barrett disappears ]

Delivery Boy: I — I — I gotta go, Mister… The sandwich is on me, okay?

Tom Snyder: Ladies and gentlemen — Rita Jeanerette! [ he laughs maniacally ]

[ the Delivery Boy runs out the room and slams the door ]

Tom Snyder: Well, I gotta tell you our next guest is a gentleman… he’s a gentleman who was at the center of an incredible controversy… many, many years ago. [ he kneels alongside the bed ] Please welcome, ladies and gentlemen… [ he pulls his teddy bear from underneath the bed ] The Lindbergh Baby! [ he laughs maniaically and sits on the bed ] I guess I don’t have to tell you, Sir, that I have been on the NBC Television Network since 1973. We were the first show to reveal the soft and gentle side of a much-maligned man named… Charles Manson. It was the very first show to, uh, to telecast from a leper colony. Alright… alright. I guess I’ve made a couple of mistakes. I went to Egypt and Sadat wouldn’t see me. Is THAT any reason to FIRE me? [ he laughs maniacally ] But I’ll be back! I’ll be back as long as there are geeks, weirdos, and sideshow freaks. I gotta tell ya’ — ol’ Tom’ll be around to give them the national exposure they deserve. And now, from the late, late shift here at 30 Rock… Thank you for being here. Thank you for being there. Good night, everybody.

[ he curls back up in bed ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 8

81h: Bill Murray / The Spinners

Father Guido Sarducci’s Predictions

…..Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Bill Murray: Ladies and gentlemen — Here i my bookie, my spiritual advisor, and my fellow barhound… Father Guido Sarducci. Father, welcome aboard.

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you!

Bill Murray: Father, what have you been up to? Tell the folks what you’ve been up to.

Father Guido Sarducci: [ taking a drag from his cigarette ] Well… I’m up-a to-a being psychic. That’s-a my thing now. Not-a too-a much money, kind of like-a being-a the Pope. It makes no money. But, I don’t know-a — you know-a Duke University?

Bill Murray: Yeah.

Father Guido Sarducci: Every year, they-a have this thing-a, where-a they invite psychics up-a there to make three predictions for the coming year. And-a, last year, I was-a invited down there with just TOP people. Tamara Rand… and-a Jeanne-a Dixon… Dr. Joaquin-a Lorenzo. Just-a the top ones. And my predictions, I made-a last year, are-a here. They gave-a special permission — they wait until January — that we could open them on television and-a see-a how I did.

Bill Murray: Father, I don’t think anybody ever knew that you were a psychic.

Father Guido Sarducci: Oh, yes… I’ve ben a psychic for-a… quite a while.

Bill Murray: Well, since when? I mean, when did you have your first psychic experience?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well-a, the first time, I was-a just a little boy, like-a eight or nine years old. You know? I was-a with my mother, in fact. It was-a something. We were-a coming back-a from-a the grocery store — and carrying these bags and all — and-a my mother looks-a down and her purse wasn’t there. You know? She says, “Oh, no! My purse is-a not here!” And I says to her — it-a just-a come to me — I says: “I bet it’s-a back in-a the grocery store.” And-a we went-a back-a to he grocery store… it was-a right-a on-a the counter!

Bill Murray: In the grocery store?

Father Guido Sarducci: Where I pictured it, on the counter.

Bill Murray: And then you started having these psychic experiences all the time?

Father Guido Sarducci: No, I didn’t have-a another one for like fifteen-a years. But, after that… I was-a rolling all the time.

Bill Murray: [ opening an envelope ] Well, let’s see how you did on these ones — [ he pokes his finger on the tab ] Ouch! These are marked January 1st, 1981. Let’s see how you did on these.

Father Guido Sarducci: Right. These are from-a a year ago. In North Carolina, is where they got Duke.

Bill Murray: Okay.

Father Guido Sarducci: You know, maybe I should say this first, Bill, and that is I don’t take-a personal credit for this. I am just-a like-a the middle man. You know, like-a radio and everything. I just-a broadcast it. It’s-a like a blessing, and, you know, I just-a don’t want to take-a credit.

Bill Murray: Okay. Alright. So there’ll be no credit taken. Alrigt. [ reading card ] “Scientists from Bowling Green University will discover a way to generate energy from pain, and a person with migraine headaches will be able to generate enough energy to run a city the size of Balogna.”

Father Guido Sarducci: I’m-a just-a the middle man, you know? And, uh, I got it-a wrong, I’ll admit it. But I could-a still-a get-a 2 out of 3.

Bill Murray: Alright. [ reading card ] “Prince Charles of England will marry a 45-year old Canadian divorcee with 14 children.”

Father Guido Sarducci: He did get married. He did. And Miss Diana was-a her name, and I’m quite sure she did get-a a divorce. Do-a you know-a if-a she is. I could-a check-a the almanac, but, uh…

Bill Murray: Yeah. We’ll check that out. There was a lot of press about her, but I don’t remember the divorce thing, though.

Father Guido Sarducci: Okay. I had-a one right.

Bill Murray: Alright. [ reading card ] “Beinfs from another planet will invade Earth disguised as…” What is this word? [ he holds the card up ]

Father Guido Sarducci: “Chiclets.” It’s little gum.

Bill Murray: “Beings from another planet disguised as Chiclets will invade Earth.”

Father Guido Sarducci: I got two right.

Bill Murray: Two right?

Father Guido Sarducci: Right. Didn’t you hear about it? It was in-a Europe. It made all the papers. You was-a probably making a movie or something.

Bill Murray: I only read the Post. I don’t know what happens anywhere else. That’s pretty good, getting 2 right out of 3. Now, I understand you have some predictions you want to make for 1982?

Father Guido Sarducci: Right. I do-a have some-a predictions for-a next-a year. And I think I could-a do-a even better. Bill, now when I close-a my eyes, I see-a this-a magic ball… and, uh, it says — funny name — “Yassar… and Marie.”

Bill Murray: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Father Guido Sarducci: And-a what this is, is-a Yassar Arafat and-a Marie Osmond. They’re gonna-a get married, tie-a the wedding knot sometyime in-a ’82. June, I think. And-a I predict — I predict-a this: There’s gonna be-a homeland for-a the Palestinians established someplace in-a Utah. In ’82.

Bill Murray: An incredible prediction. What else do you see?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, uh, this is-a kind of scary, but when-a I close-a my eyes-a sometimes… I see bombs. Bombs!

Bill Murray: What else?

Father Guido Sarducci: I see smoke.

Bill Murray: Smoke? Bombs? What?

Father Guido Sarducci: I see bottles of water.

Bill Murray: It sounds like a nuclear explosion, or something.

Father Guido Sarducci: You, see you’re a little bit-a psychic, too, I think! You know? But I do think, the nuclear-a war in-a ’82. No doubty about it. It’s-a gonna be bad. And, you know — They say when times are bad, buy gold. But what I’m-a telling you tonight is: Don’t buy gold; buy shovels. The time to-a buy gold is-a past. You know what I mean? Get shovels and start-a digging. Also, what-a you should do is-a buy canned goods. A lot of canned goods. And-a something very, very important: Don’t-a forget can openers! You gotta have them. Believe me, after the bomb. one can opener is gonna be-a worth-a like three kruggerands. You-a cannot-a open a can with-a a kruggerand.

Bill Murray: Mmm-hmm… You see anything else? Anything at all?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, I do — I saw this one thing, I don’t — It’s a scale. It’s “scale” and-a the name… “Richter.”

Bill Murray: Well, that’s the scale they use to measure earthquakes.

Father Guido Sarducci: Right. Richter Scale. And-a there’s the number 62… 162.2.

Bill Murray: That’s, uh, that’s a pretty good-sized earthquake…

Father Guido Sarducci: It’s gonna be a BIG one. Fiant rarthquake. And-a I predict-a ALL-a of the United States — EXCEPT California — is-a gonna falla- into the ocean. But — it’s-a not-a gonna be all-a rosy in-a California, either. ‘Cause: No place-a to go for-a vacations. You know? Unless you got a boat or something. But-a I predict that-a SURFING is-a gonna be-a GREAT! It’s-a gonna be-a BITCHING, no doubt about that! So, you know, if-a you got surfboards and you’re out there at the time, you know, you’re on-a Lucky Street. But — I just-a wanna wish everybody a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year for what it’s-a worth, and-a say “Arriverderci, America!” And I mean it!

[ they shae hands goodbye ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 8

81h: Bill Murray / The Spinners

At Home with the Psychos

written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mrs. Psycho…..Christine Ebersole
Mr. Psycho…..Bill Murray
Daughter…..Mary Gross
Son…..Eddie Murphy
Bob Davis…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on title card over footage of nuclear reactors, zoom in on suburban house at base of reactor ]

[ dissolve to living room filled with Christmas decorations, as mohawked Mrs. Psycho chugs from bottle ]

Mr. Psycho: [ entering ] Honey, I’m home!

Mrs. Psycho: HOME?! I’ll give you HOME! [ she fires her rifle at him ]

Mr. Psycho: This bulletproof suit I bought is the best darn investment I ever made. [ he removes his jacket and walks across the room ]

[ Mrs. Psycho cocks her rifle and fires another shot at him, as he covers his head ]

Mr. Psycho: Hey, what’s eating you?

Mrs. Psycho: I’ll tell you what’s eating me! [ she holds up her photo on the newspaper ] They stole my soul!

Mr. Psycho: Ohhhh, they haven’t stolen your soul. They just took your picture. “Psychos Won’t Leave Nuke Site”. It’s just another crackpot story about us. [ he kisses the blad part of her head, then continues to leaf through the newspaper ] Well…

Mrs. Psycho: Why is your fly open?

Mr. Psycho: [ changing subject ] Let’s see what this big, crazy, wonderful world of ours is up to! [ he opens the newspaper ] A-ha! “The World Is Coming to An End: WW3 Just Around The Corner.” Just a couple of days until the BIG one, honey!

Mrs. Psycho: What about your zipper?

Mr. Psycho: There’ll be TOTAL destruction of the Earth and we’ll be on Easy Street, Kitten!

Mrs. Psycho: Will you please explain to me why your big fly is open?

Mr. Psycho: [ he looks down ] Oh! Oh… well… uh… [ he zips up and chuckles ] I’m glad you noticed, actually. A couple of people from… “Venus” took me up in their Mother Ship, and… demanded a sperm sample. [ he shrugs ] I guess, according to their standards, I am some incredible specimen. They called me “Type F”, which is very, very good.

Mrs. Psycho: Mmm-hmm. I waxed the floors today. So how did it go at work today, honey?

Mr. Psycho: [ whispering ] Sometimes I think there is a conspiracy to deny the very existence of the blowhole…

Mr. Psycho: There’s no point in whispering, they can hear EVERY word we SAY!

Mr. Psycho: [ yelling into various corners of the room ] I said, Sometimes I think that there is a conspiracy to deny the very EXISTENCE of the BLOWHOLE!! Certain TOP government officials… are trying to SUPPRESS teh fact that, after World War 3, we WILL develop a new HOLE in our body! This post-nuclear orifice shall be known as… THE BLOWHOLE!! Likethat of a whale! And it’s gonna be HERE! [ he points to his bellybutton ] Or HERE! [ he points to his shoulder ] Possibly, HERE! [ he lifts his leg and points to the back of it ] The important thing is that I hold the exclusive franchise for a COMPLETE line of personal products to service the blowhole! I’LL make MILLIONS! But, no, you won’t let me!

Daughter: Daddy! Did I hear my Daddy? [ she stumbles over the couch ]

Mr. Psycho: I’m over here, my little ballerina! [ she prances around the long end of the couch ] No, over here. Okay, go that way, then, alright. Go, go, go, go, go! Past that… Left, left, left, left! Warmer! Warmer! Warmer, warmer, warmer! Red-hot! Red-hot!

[ she falls into his arms ]

Daughter: Oh, Daddy!

[ they make out passionately ]

Mrs. Psycho: Why do you keep encouraging this HOPELESS dream of hers? She could be some kind of TOUCH-TYPIST! She could be on an ASSEMBLY LINE! She could be a PIANO TUNER! She could be THOUSANDS of things she could be, but a BLIND BALLERINA is NOT one of them!

Daughter: Oh, yeah?! [ facing the wrong direction ] Well, I’ll show you, Mom! I’ll show them ALL!!

[ she performs “Swan Lake” and crashes into the Christmas tree ]

Mr. Psycho: Alright, don’t move, Princess! I’ll help you! I’ll help you!

Mrs. Psycho: No, no, no! Let her get up by herself! You’re spoiling her ROTTENm, she just needs attention!

Daughter: [ standing ] I’m an artist! Dancing is my life! And you can’t see that, can you, Mom? You’re just another bourgeois housewife!

Mr. Psycho: Now, just a minute, young lady… Who do you think you’re talking to like that?

Mrs. Psycho: [ holding up bloody hands ] My hands!! I’ve got the STINK again!!

Mr. Psycho: Now, look what you have DONE!! You’ve set off Mommy’s stigmota!!

Mrs. Psycho: I hope you’re satisfied!! How do you expect me to fix dinner with these things!! And one time, why don’t you clean up your room once in a while?!! But, no!! You can’t see that you’re BLIND!!!

[ dynamite-covered Son enters ]

Son: Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! [ mumbling to himself: ] 52 hostages… 52 days in a year… 52 cards in a deck. It all adds up to something, don’t it?

Mr. Psycho: It certainly does, Son.

Son: [ clutching hand grenade ] I don’t want to be called “Son” no more. I want to be called “Mr. Tibbs”!

Mr. Psycho: Sure.

Mrs. Psycho: Anything you say, Mr. Tibbs.

Mr. Psycho: So… [ he steps closer ] How was your trip, Mr. Tibbs?

Son: It was nice! They gave me the whole First Class section to myself!

Mr. Psycho: Did you have a chance to chat with the president — Bud Noland? Get across your “slant” on things?

[ a siren comes closer ]

Son: No, Pop… he was always two shopping malls ahead of me.

Mr. Psycho: It’s a tough break, Mr. Tibbs.

[ the doorbell rings ]

[ Mr. Psycho steps behind his son to reach for the door ]

Son: Don’t step in my SHADOW!

Mrs. Psycho: I’ll get it!

[ she opens the door, as Bob Davis rushes in amidst the sound of a nuclear siren in the background ]

Bob Davis: Uh — Bob Davis, Evacuation Supervisor. Mr. Psycho, my people are worried about Number Five there… [ he points to the nuclear reactor outside the window ] You see that jagged, glowing line? It runs down the main casing? That’s what we calla “fissure”. Now, we haven’t been altogether successful in patching it up, and, uh… Well, we think that core may blow any second. So if you nd your family will follow me — I’ve got a van waiting outside.

Mr. Psycho: Well, let me tell you something, okay, uh, Mr. Davis?

Bob Davis: There’s no time for talk! We’ve GOT to run!

Mr. Psycho: [ he grabs him by the jacket ] LISTEN to me, Mister! Alright? Just for fun! just for fun! [ he pulls him down to the couch ] Why don’t you listen to my story, okay?

Bob Davis: We’ve only got SECONDS!! [ he tries to rush past Son ]

Son: [ clutching his hand grenade ] You better sit down and listen to my Daddy, or I’m gonna splatter your BRAINS, man, all over this room!

Bob Davis: [ he sits ] Of course, I’m eager to hear your viewpoint.

Mr. Psycho: Honey, give me my briefcase. [ she hands it over, as he opens it ] Mr. Davis? This is the blowhole. The survivors of World War 3 will have at least one of these. Right here… [ he grabs the back of his neck ] Or here… [ he grabs his lower back ] Possibly, here. p he grabs the bottom of his foot ]

Bob Davis: Are those teeth?

Mr. Psycho: The key thing to remember is that I’ll be the only one selling a complete line of blowhole cosmetic products. For example: [ he holds up a giant cue-tip ] This cleans the blowhole… [ he holds up spray deodorant ] This deodorizes the blowhole… [ he holds up lipstick ] This beautifies the blowhole… [ he holds up a toilet brush ] And this makes the blowhole happen.

[ a second alarm goes off ]

Bob Davis: I really should be going!

Mr. Psycho: [ grabbing him ] Why don’t I put you down for an order?!

Bob Davis: Sure… why not…

Mr. Psycho: Great! Terrific! [ he grabs paperwork ] You can sign it right now.

Bob Davis: I’ll be glad to…

Mr. Psycho: Could you sign here?

Bob Davis: Sure, glad to… [ he signs quickly ]

Mr. Psycho: Or here?

Bob Davis: Alright, fine… [ he signs ]

Mr. Psycho: Possibly, here?

Bob Davis: Yeah….

Mr. Psycho: And, if you wouldn’t mind, initialing this?

Bob Davis: Okay…

Mr. Psycho: okay, thank you.

Bob Davis: Thank you!

Mr. Psycho: [ grabbing him ] Wait, just a second! [ he laughs ] Your copy. [ he hands a sheet over, as Davis runs out the door ] Thank you!

Mrs. Psycho: Nice seeing you!

Mr. Psycho: [ proudly ] We won! They pushed us out of the Love Canal, but they aren’t pushing us out of here!

Mrs. Psycho: And you finally made a sale!

Son: Hey, look — Mama’s hands stopped bleeding!

Daughter: Daddy! I can see! [ she rushes forward and falls over the couch ]

Mrs. Psycho: [ looking out the window ] It’s a full glow tonight, honey!

[ Mr. Psycho jumps over the couch to look out the window, then kisses Mrs. Psycho ]

Mr. Psycho: They called us crazy! Sure, we’re crazy… we’re crazy enough to believe in the future of America! We’re the Psychos! We’re the warped… the twisted… weird! [ the kids sit in front of their parents on the couch ] Ever wonder who’s still buying those Chryslers?

Psychos: WE ARE!!!

Mr. Psycho: …Or who wants to keep Tommy Snyder on the air?

Psychos: WE DO!!!

[ a Christmas chorus blends into the background sirens ]

Mr. Psycho: Whenever you hear about people talking about limited nuclear war… or a $60 billion MX missile system… well, that would be us! That’s right! We’ew the one-hundred per cent… ZONED OUT… AMERICAN NUTCASE!! AND WE ARE GONNA REDLINE THIS COUNTRY RIGHT INTO THE 21ST CENTURY!!!

Son: Merry Christmas.

[ pull out, fade ]

SNL Transcripts