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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Harlequin Romances

Spokeswoman…..Mary Gross
Denise Dunn Davis…..Lauren Hutton
Explorer 1…..Robin Duke
Explorer #2…..Christine Ebersole
Wendell Winspear…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on Spokeswoman seated in chair and holding a long-stemmed rose ]

Spokeswoman: Hello! You know… I love my life. BUt sometimes I like to go far, far away, into a world of romance and exotic adventure. A world of ruggedly handsome tyrants having their way with shy, but fiery little weaklings. I adore fine literature. That’s why I read Harlequin Romances. And now, for the first time, you fellows can enjoy them, too… with our new Harlequin Romances For Men. [ she holds up a copy of the book ] Here’s one of the men’s favorites: “Forbidden Jungle of Passion”.

[ she opens the book and begins to read, as the scene dissolves to women explorers in the jungle, along with one man disguised as a woman ]

Spokeswoman V/O: “The African jungle was lush and steamy with passion. It was a dangerous and frightening place, sought only by the roughest, most hard-bittenest adventurers. It was no place for a man… but spunky young Wendell Winspear, determined to go along on the expedition, disguised himself as a woman, and was now deep in the jungle with these roughnecks. The expedition was led by the hard, rugged, and tryrannical Denise Dunn Davis. the world-famous explorer, who had always sworn that she would NEVER allow a man on one of her safaris. But could Wendell keep his maleness hidden from the dashing explorer?”

Denise Dunn Davis: Tomorrow, we’ll find that Incan treasure, or my name isn’t Denise Dunn Davis. [ she lights her cigarette ]

Explorer #1: [ to Wendell ] Hey! You want a slug of whiskey? Come on! It’ll do ya’ good!

Wendell Winspear: [ nervously ] I-I-I… no, th-thank you. Y-you all seem to be becoming intoxicated…

Explorer #1: Ho! I know what your problem is, Honey — you need a man! I tell ya’, I could use a man myself right now!

Explorer #2: Yeah! I know what to do with a hunk of beefcake — for five minutes!

[ they laugh at the joke ]

Spokeswoman V/O: “He had to shut his ears to their course remarks. He wondered how they’d feel if they knew… he was a man.”

Denise Dunn Davis: [ stepping forward ] Leave her alone. And I’ve told you a THOUSAND times why I never want a man on one of my expeditions. Too much trouble. [ she whips out a knife and begins to file her fingernails ] I’m ruggedly attractive, but I’m determined. You know that. [ she places the knife in her mouth and picks between her teeth ] And a man — I’ve got no time for.

Wendell Winspear: [ to himself ] You are the most IMPOSSIBLE Woman I’ve ever met!

Denise Dunn Davis: Well… let’s break ten. Baker, you go set down those other tents; you check supplies; Wendy, you come with me, we’ll —

[ Wendell points and screams, as the head of a snake sways in the foreground ]

[ Denise calmly whips out her pistol and shoots the snake dead, as Wendell continues to shiver ]

Denise Dunn Davis: Get a hold of yourself, Wendy! You’re acting like a man!

[ Denise accidentally knocks Wendell’s blonde wig off of his head, then checks his crotch as final confirmation ]

Denise Dunn Davis: My God… you are a man.

Wendell Winspear: [ removing his inner padding ] Yes! Yes, I’m a man! And you’ve been treating me in a BEASTLY way! [ he crosses his arms sternly ]

Denise Dunn Davis: What do you mean, trying to fool Denise Dunn Davis?! Why, I ought to wail you within an INCH of your life!

Wendell Winspear: Oh, go ahead and hit me, you big brute! You’re nothing but a bully and a tyrant, and I’ve NEVER hated any woman so much in my life!

[ Denise grabs Wendell and pulls him down for a kiss on the lips. He responds by slapping her across the face. ]

Denise Dunn Davis: [ tilts her head back and laughs ] You wanted it! We both know that.

[ Denise retreats to her tent, as the other two female explorers return ]

Explorer #2: Hey, look at this! She’s a man! And he’s been here all the time! You shoulda told us sooner, Cupcake!

Explorer #1: Hey, hey, baby! Come on, baby! We’re having a PARTY, and it’s in YOUR LAP, Dreamboat! Come on! [ she stretches across his lapp and thrusts her liquor bottle into his mouth ]

Wendell Winspear: STOP!! Stop it, you animals!! Stop PAWING me!!

[ Denise exits her tent and fires her pistol into the air ]

Denise Dunn Davis: The next one to put a finger on that boy eats lead.

Explorer #2: Hey, what’s the matter, Denise? You turning soft? I mean, it’s only a boy!

Denise Dunn Davis: No! It’s the future Mr. Dunn Davis.

[ music swells ]

Wendell Winspear: [ surprised ] What?!

Denise Dunn Davis: It’s true, my little minx! [ she pulls him to his feet ] I’ve fallen in love with your spunk, your fire, and your adorable nose. And I won’t take No for an answer.

Wendell Winspear: [ ecstatic ] Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

Denise Dunn Davis: [ she jumps into his arms ] You need to be kissed and spanked… and kissed and spanked often, by someone who knows how.

Wendell Winspear: Oh, God… can I be dreaming…?

Spokeswoman V/O: “Then she crushed him in her powerful thighs, and the world went away.”

[ return to the Spokeswoman, as she closes her book and sighs ]

Spokeswoman: What a satisfying read! This classic flowed from the pen of Dierdre deloquaro Dinn, perhaps the only living author to have written more books than she’s read. “Forbidden Jungle of Passion” is only one of THOUSANDS, all almost exactly alike. This is Harlequin Publications, saying: “If Proust and Tolstoy are so great, how come you can’t buy them in a supermarket?” Happy reading!

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Hail to the Chief

President Ronald Reagan…..Joe Piscopo
Secretary…..Brian Doyle Murray
Jim…..Tim Kazurinsky
Ed Meese…..Tony Rosato
Elaine…..Christine Ebersole
Marker…..Joe Dicso
Reporter…..Andy MUrphy

[ open on exterior, THE WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D.C. ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

[ the entire scene takes place from President Ronald Reagan’s point-of-view. As the scene begins, he’s looking down at his desktop as he doodles cartoon characters on a pad. ]

[ he looks up as members of his staff enter ]

Secretary: Good morning!

President Ronald Reagan: Good morning, Jim!

Jim: You’re looking well this morning!

President Ronald Reagan: I feel well!

Secretary: Would you like to take a look at today’s itinerary — I mean, script? [ he chuckles ] Elaine, you want to bring in that shooting script?

Elaine: Yeah! [ she steps forward ] Uh — okay, uh, we’re gonna start with a presidential press conference, and a few of the reporters are going to ask you a few questions about the sale of the AWACs to Saudi Arabia, okay?

President Ronald Reagan: [ confused ] AWACs? What do I say?

Elaine: [ incredulaous ] I gave you the script yesterday. Where is it?

President Ronald Reagan: I must have lost it.

Elaine: Oh, no, not again…

President Ronald Reagan: I’m sorry.

Elaine: Forget it. [ she holds out a script ] Here’s another copy. Okay? Now, uh, did you get the rewrites on the MX missiles?

President Ronald Reagan: [ grabbing the script ] Sure, sure… I’ve got my lines memorized already.

Elaine: [ pleased ] Okay.

President Ronald Reagan: Ooh! Ooh! Is that Ed Meese over there? Uh, Ed! Ed! Could I have a word with you, please?

[ Ed Meese steps forward ]

Ed Meese: Morning, Ron! What’s up?

President Ronald Reagan: How much longer are we going to be making this movie?

Ed Meese: [ he looks around the room ] I’d say… about three more years, Ron. Three more years, at least, yeah.

President Ronald Reagan: Well… the movie’s long, Ed. I hope it’s not going to be another “Heaven’s Gate”!

Ed Meese: Don’t worry about it.

President Ronald Reagan: Ed… Ed, listen. Ed, I really appreciate you getting Nancy a part and all…

Ed Meese: No, no…

President Ronald Reagan: Well, I was thinking… what if there was some romantic conflict? Uh, like that gal who’s playing the new Supreme Court justice? Well, uh, what if she and I…

[ Jim steps forward ]

Jim: Look, uh, Ron? It wouldn’t be right for your character.

Ed Meese: That’s right, Ron.

President Ronald Reagan: Well, that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about! I think my character’s getting AWFULLY unsympathetic!

Ed Meese: No…

Jim: Ron, why don’t you take care of the acting, we’ll take care of the writing? Okay?

President Ronald Reagan: BUt why would the President try to take money away from old people and poor people and kids? I — you know, I just don’t understand it! What’s my motivation?

Ed Meese: Look — Ron…

President Ronald Reagan: And another thing, another thing. If there are any more scenes involving pistols, I want a stand-in! [ Meese shakes his head ] Or at least use BLANKS!

Ed Meese: Alright, look, Ron — Ronnie, who’s directing this picture? Huh?! You… or me?

President Ronald Reagan: Look, Ed, all I want is a stuntman.

Ed Meese: I realize that.

President Ronald Reagan: Like the one we used in that other movie, where I played the governor of California.

Ed Meese: Look — look, Ronnie… between you and me, huh? Pretty soon, we’re gonna go back to the ran– Uh, the western location, okay? And we’ll shoot some ranch stuff, alright?

President Ronald Reagan: Ohhhh, good! I enjoy the horses!

Ed Meese: I know you do! I know you do!

President Ronald Reagan: You know, Ed… that’s what this picture needs — MORE action! Like that Libyan scene! Remember? When you flew those jets out of the sky? Ed… why wasn’t I in that scene?

Ed Meese: Look, Ronnie, don’t worry about it! It was a night shoot, and you need your rest. We didn’t want to wake you.

[ JIm steps forward ]

Jim: Let’s go. [ to Reagan ] How do you feel? You feel good?

President Ronald Reagan: Fine, fine.

Ed Meese: Alright, Make-Up! Let’s get Make-Up in here and shoot this next scene, okay?

[ the Make-Up lady enters and begins to wipe around the lens that represents Reagan’s face ]

President Ronald Reagan: Ed…? Ed…? What’s an AWAC?

Ed Meese: Ron! Please! Just let her do her job, okay? [ to the Make-Up lady ] Alright, get it all IN the hair! Get it all in here! He looks like a pumpkin! Put it up in here.

Elaine: Uh, Mr. Meese? Mr. Meese? The Press is here.

Ed Meese: Alright, everybody! Quiet, please! We’re gonna get ready to roll, okay?

President Ronald Reagan: I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. Meese.

Ed Meese: SHUT UP, Ron! Please! Everybody, get ready! Screen, Sound, and Slate!

[ the Marker steps forward with the slate ]

Marker: Presidential Press Conference, Take 1!

Ed Meese: And… ACTION!

[ the reporters rush into the Oval Office and surround the screen ]

Reporters: MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!! MR. PRESIDENT!!

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Reach Out

Sarah Gould…..Robin Duke
Cheryl Tiegs…..Christine Ebersole
Brooke Shields…..Mary Gross
Audience Member #1…..Rosie Shuster
Audience Member #2…..??
…..Lauren Hutton

[ open on talk show set, with title card superimposed over the panel ]

Sarah Gould: Good morning! I’m Sarah Gould, and welcome to “Reach Out”! Today, our celebrity guests are going to try to REACH OUT to those of you in the audience who have problems! So you just ask us, and we’ll try to solve them! And now, I’d like to welcome our guests from the world of high fashion modeling: Brooke Shields, the 16-year old who took the professsion by storm… and Cheryl Tiegs, who is often called the All-American Model.

Cheryl Tiegs: [ twirling her hair ] Sarah, excuse me, but I don’t think of myself as model. I’m more of a personality and commentator.

Brooke Shields: [ giggling ] Yeah! And I’m not a model, either. I think of myself as an actress!

Cheryl Tiegs: Me, too! I think of myself as an actress, and a television personality, and a photographer!

Brooke Shields: Me, too!

Sarah Gould: Well, now, isn’t that fascinating? And now, Brooke, how is that lawsuit coming along? Aren’t you trying to stop some pictures or something from bring published?

Brooke Shields: Yeah! This scummy guy took naked pictures of me at ten, and now he’s trying to push me as some kind of porno star! How DARE he! That’s my mother’s job!

Sarah Gould: [ looking into the audience ] I — I — I think I see somebody with a problem. Yes? Do you have a problem?

[ cut to Audience Member #1 ]

Audience Member #1: Yes. I’d like to addres my problem to Cheryl Tiegs. I’ve seen you so often, I feel like your my friend!

Sarah Gould: Yes, what’s the problem, dear?

Audience Member #1: Uh — I need a kidney transplant, desperately… and I-I can’t afford it. I’m in agonizing pain day and night, but I don’t have any way of getting the money. Can you help me?

Cheryl Tiegs: [ twirling her hair ] Oh, you poor thing… I — I know just how you feel. At one time, I needed money… and so I sold my name to Sears-Roebuck.

Brooke Shields: Sears?! Pee-yoo! Gross, total!

Cheryl Tiegs: Yes, I know. And they put it on a line of jeans. It was pretty humiliating, but now I make countless of thousands of dollars for doing nothing. Um — have you thought about selling your name?

Audience Member #1: [ shaking her head ] No. No, no, I haven’t. And I don’t see why they would be interested.

Brooke Shields: I sell jeans, too! Look! [ she stands on her head and sticks her Calvin Klein jeans high into the air ]

Sarah Gould: I think we have another question! [ pointing into the audience ] Hello? You, right there! Hello?

[ cut to Audience Member #2, just to the upper right of Audience Member #1 ]

Audience Member #2: [ in thick accent ] I have a problem for Brooke and Cheryl.

Sarah Gould: Oh! Uh, go ahead.

Audience Member #2: Okay, I’m working 18 hours a day in a sweatshop. Two of the girls was KILLED last week, when some of the machines cut them! And we’re still working with the same machines!

Cheryl Tiegs: UM… I know how you feel. Uh, modeling is really hard work. I mean, honestly, some people thin it’s just glamour, glamour, glamour! Um, but it’s really very. very hard. I mean, you have to get up early, and you have to wait around for them to fix, uh, your face and to fix your clothes, and… I mean, honestly, if you’re the slightest bit late, they act really mean. I mean, we earn that $1,500 an hour, we really do!

Brooke Shields: Yeah, really! And what about acting? We have to memorize all that stuff! What a pain! [ to Sarah ] Can I talk about my new movie? My mom says I gotta! It’s about a 17-year old girl’s introduction to sex. It’s a new kind of role for me, since before I only played a 10-year old girl’s introduction to sex, a 14-year old girl’s introduction to sex, and a 16-year old girl’s introduction to sex. BUt my mom said I’ve got to take challenges!

Cheryl Tiegs: [ leaning in ] I used to be on “Good Morning, America”, uh, reading cue cards. That was really hard, a lot harder than doing movies.

Brooke Shields: Oh, take a hike, Grandma! You’re over the hill! They’re saving a BED for her at the Old Model’s Home! [ she giggles ]

Cheryl Tiegs: Uh, you know what’s gonna come between you and your Calvins? My FOOT!! [ Brooke sticks her tongue out ] Watch it, Jailbait!

Sarah Gould: [ laughing ] I think I see a hand out there! Yes?

[ reveal Lauren Hutton standing in the audience ]

Lauren Hutton: Hello?

Sarah Gould: Yes! Your problem? We’re here to help.

Lauren Hutton: Hmm… I’m a model, and my problem is the insulting way models are stereotyped as BRAINLESS, OVERGROOMED SLICES OF BEEF!! Right here! Brooke and Cheryl happen to be my friends!

Sarah Gould: [ stunned ] Oh! Really?

Lauren Hutton: Yes, really!

Brooke Shields: We — we weren’t making fun of Brooke Shields and Cheryl Tiegs! We were making fun of… the ridiculous, uh… capitalistic, sexist system that exploits them for profit! Really!

Cheryl Tiegs: Yeah!

Lauren Hutton: [ seething ] This kind of stuff BURNS me up! Models aren’t DUMB! Cheryl Tiegs has a phD from Oxford in Bio-engineering! [ a page steps forward ] What?!

Page: They need you in Make-Up.

Lauren Hutton: They do not!

Sarah Gould: Well!

Lauren Hutton: [ as she retreats ] Brooke Shields is one of the world’s leading microphysicists! Cybil Dhepard invented the laser beam!

Sarah Gould: Well! Dear me! Isn’t that true? Well, that’s all the time we have left right now! Tomorrow, please join us and we’ll be solving your personal heartfelt problems with a NEW celebrity panel — Don Rickles and Foster Brooks! So, until tomorrow, this is “Reach Out”, saying, “We care about you.”

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Goodnights

…Lauren Hutton

Lauren Hutton: Thank you, everybody!

[Eddie Murphy plants a kiss on her cheek]

Submitted by: Larchman

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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Here’s Cos

Bill Cosby…..Eddie Murphy

Announcer: He’s hosted the Tonight Show almost as much as Johnny. For years he’s made America laugh and now hereeeeeeeeee’s Cos!

(Bill Cosby comes out in front of the Tonight Show curtain)

Bill Cosby: Thank you! Thank you much! Just stop it! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so happy my wife Camille would let me come out and play with you tonight. This is really nice.

(Cut to a record album entitled “Here’s Cos”)

Announcer: Yes, all of Bill Cosby’s hilarious Tonight Show monologues are here in one special collection. Hear Cos start stories that don’t go anywhere.

Bill Cosby: I have these daughters, all of which have at least, at least two fingers on each hand.

Announcer: Concepts that aren’t funny.

Bill Cosby: Fear…

Announcer: You’ll hear him talk about people you’ve never heard of.

Bill Cosby: Every neighborhood had a kid who always wore a purple shirt, used to run real fast and pick his navel. You know him, don’t you?

Announcer: No, we don’t, but that doesn’t stop Cos, it’s all here. The mumbling,

Bill Cosby: (Mumbles)

Announcer: The mugging.

Bill Cosby: (mugs with an open mouth)

Announcer: And the plugging!

Bill Cosby: On November 15th, I will be appearing at the Sahara Hotel, standing in the lobby, selling copies of my album. So come on and buy one. It’ll make you smile.

Announcer: Rush $9.95 to “Here’s Cos Burbank, Calif.”

Bill Cosby: You know you want to smile. I saw you look like this (rolls eyes) That’s right. You do.

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Cheap Laffs

…..Tony Rosato
…..Lauren Hutton
Spokesman…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on Tony Rosato typing in Writer’s Lounge as bouncy music plays him in ]

Tony Rosato: Hi! I’m Tony Rosato. Each week, we try to come up with some ideas for the show that are funny. [ he laughs] Unfortunately, some of our favroite ideas are usually incredibly cheap. For example: Since this week our hostess was Lauren Hutton, and she appeared in “American Gigolo”, we thought we’d do a parody called “American Jigaboo.” [ he laughs at the pun ] Unfortunately, it was SO cheap, and SO racist, that even Eddie Murphy wouldn’t do it. That’s another story. Anyway, let’s take a look and xee what our Cheap Laff is for this week. [ he lifts up the garbage can and pulls out a script ] I think this is it. Here’s tonight’s Cheap Laff. [ reading ] “Open on a beautiful, sexy movie star in a dressing room. She’s just about to…”

[ dissolve to Lauren Hutton in her dressing room, as soft saxophone music plays ]

Lauren Hutton: Hi. I’m Lauren Hutton. I like my martinis dry, my steaks rare, and my men hard. My men like to work hard, play hard, and when they come home… they want to wipe hard. They want… [ she holds up product ] Macho Wipe. It’s one tough toilet paper that’s not afraid to roll up its sleeves and get the job done! Watch.

[ dissolve to Spokesman standing before stacks of Macho Wipes ]

Spokesman: [ deep-voiced ] It never lets ME down! [ he grabs a competitor’s brand ] Here’s regular soft toilet tissue — the kind WIMPS use! [ he tosses it over his shoulder, then tears a ply of Macho Wipe ] Macho Wipe is one TOUGH toilet paper! [ he rubs it on his face, the scratchy sound effect extra loud for effect ] Tough enough to take care of a bear in the woods… [ he lifts a bat and lowers his voice ] and still tough enough to take the finish off this baseball bat! Watch! [ he rubs the Macho Wipe across the bat shaft ]

[ Hutton steps in and wraps her arm around the Spokesman ]

Lauren Hutton: Try new Macho Wipe. In Medium, Course, and Super Abrasive. All my men use Macho Wipe… or they use nothing at all.

[ dissolve back to Tony Rosato, now wearing bunny ears ]

Tony Rosato: Whoo-hee! Well — now, that was cheap. See you next week with “CHeap Laffs”.

[ he crumples the script in his hand and tosses it over his shoulder ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 5

81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Bitter People

…Mary Gross
Pat Cooper…Joe Piscopo

[FADE IN on “Bitter People” title graphic, MUSIC: “Song For My Father”, Horace Silver]

[FADE to Mary Gross sitting at interview desk]

Mary Gross: Hi, I’m Mary Gross, and welcome back to “Bitter People”. [Slow ZOOM out] Tonight’s guest is a very bitter man, comedian Pat Cooper. [Pat is sitting in a chair to Mary’s right] Pat, what’s going on in Vegas?

Pat Cooper: Lola Falana…now there’s a bargain! She wants to be called the ‘First Lady of Vegas’, right? She doesn’t even belong in the first thousand! Huh? You think she’d let me be her opening act? Huh? You think she’d use Pat Cooper? I’m not good enough for her because “she’s a star!” The eeeegos here, huh?

I’ll tell you who’s playing at Caesar’s, right here [picks up photo] Tom Jones! [points to picture] Tom Jones, right here! We’re grateful enough to open our hearts to this guy, let him come in to our country, and he won’t let Pat Cooper open for him, huh? I’m a funny man! Pleease believe that! There’s no one funnier than this man! “What’s the national flower of Italy, huh? The tomato!” [mugs by puckering his lips and bugging out his eyes] Huh? Funny, right? Funny, right? But these semi-names won’t let me use them!

[picks up another photo] Jerry Vale! Jerry Vale, another bargain, right? Jerry Vale…I’m gonna tell you a story: I’m opening for Jerry Vale at the Landmark in Vegas, right? My wife sends me a fruit basket with a card- you know, “to Pat, I love you.” [increasingly agitated] Card gets lost, Jerry comes into my dressing room, sees the fruit basket, says it must be for him, walks out of my room, with my fruit, because- from my wife Patty, ’cause heee’s the staaar! Jerry. Take the fruit. Choke on it, huh? I’m a very funny man! Mary, there’s a giant ziti in the hallway waiting to eat the whole studio, huh? Hilarious, right, hilarious! There’s no one funnier than Pat, there’s no one funnier than this man! [Holds up photo of himself with lips puckered and eyes bulging, imitates the face he makes in the picture]

Mary Gross: Whoa…

Pat Cooper: Hilarious!

Mary Gross: Well, thank you, Pat..

Pat Cooper: I’m a hilarious guy. A generous man, too!

Mary Gross: Oh, you sure are…

Pat Cooper: Very funny!

Mary Gross: Well, thank you, Pat. Join us tomorrow on “Bitter People” when Suzanne Somers will talk about the cast of Three’s Company.

[“Song For My Father” begins again; FADE back to title graphic; applause and FADE to black]

Submitted by: Larchman

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 5


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Guest Writer:


November 7th, 1981

Lauren Hutton

Rick James & The Stone City Band

William Burroughs

Joe Dicso

Andy Murphy

Rosie Shuster

Marilyn Suzanne Miller
ExxicoSummary: Their message is simple: “Stay out of our way or we’ll kill you.”

Montage

Here’s CosSummary: Bill Cosby’s (Eddie Murphy) new album features his most popular and inane routines as performed on “The Tonight Show”.

Recurring Characters: Bill Cosby.

Transcript

Lauren’s Dressing RoomSummary: Eddie Murphy is sure he has a shot with Lauren Hutton when she calls him to her dressing room to help her feel relaxed, but the vision of Joe Piscopo dissuades his efforts.

Transcript

Hail to the ChiefSummary: Ed Meese (Tony Rosato) leads President Ronald Reagan (Joe Piscopo) to believe he’s playing the part of the President of the United States in a new movie.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Ed Meese.

Transcript

TransEastern AirlinesSummary: TransEastern Airlines employees happily proclaim that they treat their passengers like dirt.

Transcript

Whisper Bubble BathSummary: Lauren Hutton touts the sensual bodybath that she soaks both herself and her dishes in.

Transcript

Rick James & The Stone City Band performs “Give It To Me Baby”

Cheap LaffsSummary: Tony Rosato presents a sketch idea whose laughs were too cheap to be taken seriously — as Lauren Hutton promotes Macho Wipes, the abrasive toilet paper for the real men in her life.

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurraySummary: Brian Doyle-Murray notes during his interview with Princess Di (Christine Ebersole) that she’s a lot farther along in her pregnancy than she claims. Ted Koppel (Joe Piscopo) attempts to bridge the gap between Menachim Begin (Tim Kazurinsky) and Yasser Arafat (Tony Rosato). Eddie Murphy comments on his new 10th-story apartment, and his experiments in testing which animals land on their feet when dropped from that height.

Recurring Characters: Princess Di, Ted Koppel, Menachim Begin, Yasser Arafat.

Harlequin RomancesSummary: Harlequin Romance spokeswoman (Mary Gross) reads a selection from “Forbidden Jungle of Passion”, a steamy tale of a man (Joe Piscopo) who disguises himself as a woman so he join a safari expedition led by the hard, rugged, and tryrannical Denise Dunn Davis (Lauren Hutton).

Transcript

Reach OutRecurring Characters: Brooke Shields.

Transcript

Velvet Jones School of TechnologyRecurring Characters: Velvet Jones.

Transcript

Big Baser

William BurroughsSummary: William Burroughs reads passages from his novel, “Naked Lunch”.

Push Button To Explode BuildingSummary: A man (Tom Davis) accidentally demolishes a building when he hits the wrong button at the crosswalk.

Note: Repeat from 81b.

Bitter PeopleSummary: Comedian Pat Cooper (Joe Piscopo) resents that he doesn’t get to open for big-name musical acts in Las Vegas.

Transcript

Rick James & The Stone City Band performs “Super Freak”

“Art is Ficial”Summary: A look at the life of literary dog Maurice Blaget.

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 4

81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear

Vomiting For Luck

…..Donald Pleasence
…..Eddie Murphy
…..John Belushi

[ open on Donald Pleasence, dressed in his “Profiles In British Courage” costume, standing before a bathroom mirror ]

Donald Pleasence: “Live from New York…” [ he starts over ] “LIVE! From…” Oh, I’m terrified. I feel ridiculous. Uh… “Live! Saturday Night!” “Saturday Night… LIVE!” “Live! From New…” [ suddenly, Eddie Murphy enters ] Hello?

Eddie Murphy: Hey, Donald Pleasence!

Donald Pleasence: Hello.

Eddie Murphy: How you doing?

Donald Pleasence: I’m alright… I’m just scared to death. I was running over a few of my lines.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah? Why? Yuo gonna be FUN, man. You shouldn’t br worried about it. It’s gonna be fun, you’re a funny guy, Donald.

Donald Pleasence: Really?

Eddie Murphy: Yeah. Piece of cake. Excuse me for a minute. [ Eddie heads for a stall ]

Donald Pleasence: Oh. I see.

[ Eddie enters a stall, then retches into a toilet ]

Donald Pleasence: Oh, God… do they all do that? Are you alright?

Eddie Murphy: What?

Donald Pleasence: Eddie, are you alright? I mean, are you alright?

Eddie Murphy: Yeah. I’m just vomiting, man — for luck.

Donald Pleasence: For luck?

Eddie Murphy: [ wiping his cheek ] You don’t vomit, man?

Donald Pleasence: Have I vomit? I haven’t throw up enough for that. You do it for luck?

Eddie Murphy: You didn’t vomit before you filmed “Halloween”?

Donald Pleasence: I vomited after I saw the film, but… no! No, because it was scary, a scary film.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah, I vomited, too — same reason. Well, look, man, we all vomit for luck.

Donald Pleasence: I’m not superstitious, and I don’t really feel like being sick.

Eddie Murphy: Well, you do whatever you want to do, man. I might vomit again a little later, but… [ Pleasence laughs uproariously ] Take it easy.

Donald Pleasence: I just feel scared.

Eddie Murphy: You’ll be alright, man.

Donald Pleasence: Okay, have a nice show.

Eddie Murphy: You, too! [ he exits the bathroom ]

Donald Pleasence: Ha! I like that! [ he snaps his fingers ] Show time! Show time! Oh, I suppose there’s no harm in… [ he glances toward the stalls ] trying… [ he sticks his finger down his throat and rushes into a stall and retches ]

[ suddenly, John Belushi exits the next stall, peers into the mirror and fixes his hair. The audience applauds wildly as he stares into the mirror, then approaches a urinal as the scene fades and the opening montage begins ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 4

81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear

The Vic Salukin Show

Vic Salukin…..Tony Rosato
Caller #1…..Tim Kazurinsky
Caller #3…..Mary Gross
Lady…..Christine Ebersole
Caller #4…..Donald Pleasence

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Vic Salukin seated at desk ]

Vic Salukin: Hello. I’m Vic Salukin. Welcome to “Scare Me!” I’ll be taking calls from you people tonight, and I want somebody to call in and scare the HELL out of me! Now, I’m not the kind of guy who scares easily, so we’re gonna need some help from some of you major LOONS out there tonight! Now, to show you I mean business… I’m offering a hundred bucks — 100 big ones, right there it is — to the guy who can scare me the most! [ he holds up the $100 bill ] Okay? So call me — Vic Salukin, 555-4444! 555-4444! Alright, here we go. [ he grabs the phone ] Vic Salukin. Scare me!

Caller #1: Yeah. Well, my name is Leonard. I’m with the regional office of the Internal Revenue Service —

Vic Salukin: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute… is this the old IRS scam?

Caller #1: Excuse me, Mr. Salukin, I am afraid, uhh…

Vic Salukin: Hey, look, Mac — what the hell do you think I am, some sort of a MORON or something?

Caller #1: [ he laughs ] You got me, Vic! I really thought you’d go for that one!

Vic Salukin: Look, buddy — the only thing that’s scary about you is your I.Q. Okay? [ he hangs up ] Come on! Let’s get a decent call here! This is garbage! Vic Salukin — scare me!

Caller #2: Hey, Vic. Look out behind you. There’s a horrible creature! [ he tries to stifle his laughter ]

Vic Salukin: Okay, buddy, come on! [ he hangs up ] For God’s sake, what the hell is going on here?! YOU owe ME a hundred bucks for THAT one, okay?! A hundred bucks on the line here! Vic Salukin — scare me!

[ a woman begins to hum the theme from “Star Trek” ]

Vic Salukin: Alright, lady, get off the phone and get off the bottle, for God’s sake! [ he hangs up ] Your probably swinging off a chandelier in your birthday suit! Alright, let’s take another one! Vic Salukin — scare me! [ a dial tone ] Alright, nobody there! Look — you people don’t seem to know what the hell a scary call is all about! Looks like I’m gonna have to SHOW you! [ he grabs the phone and dials ] I’m gonna dial any number RANDOMLY here — I don’t know WHO we’re gonna get, probably some bizarro, anyway!

Caller #3: Hello?

Vic Salukin: Hello, lady? Listen — we kidnapped your son, he gave us trouble, so we SHOT him! Where do you want the body?

Lady: No… no… [ she screams in agony ]

Vic Salukin: [ laughing sadistically ] Now, THAT’S scary, and THAT’S what I’m looking for! [ he hangs up ] I just made myself a hundred bucks, okay?! Alright, let’s take ONE more call, and for God’s sake this is supposed to be New York! Huh?! The city of nutcakes and freaks! Now, let’s start hearing from some of you! [ he picks up the phone ] I’m getting pissed off here! Alright, Vic Salukin — scare me!

Caller #4: Hello? [ he laughs ] Hello, Mr. Salukin. I know quite a few things that you might find scary… I’ve been following your daughter, Amy, home from school today. She’s such an attractive child, Mr. Salukin, except for that curious birthmark on her thigh. Heh! It’s her birthday, Monday, nine years old? I suppose you’ll give her that doll that’s hidden in the top drawer of your dresser. And your wife, Linda? She’s also — oh, she’s very attractive, especially when she slips into her black hot pants. [ camera slowly pans down to the phone intercom ] The more I realize… the more I see of you… the more I think you are a lonesome maggot that should be destroyed, and it’s going to be a pleasure to come to your studio tonight and slap a large meat ax into your brain pan. [ he laughs sadistically ] Split your skull, new suit… [ he laughs sadistically, as the camera pans back up to Vic to reaveal him bloodies with a meat ax in his head ] So, vic? Did I fool you?! [ he laughs sadistically ] That’s pretty good, huh?! Vic! Did you like it?! [ he continues to laugh sadistically ] I bet I got you! Ha ha! Are you there?! Vic! Vic! Hey, Vic?

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts