Category:

Ask Elvis

Dorothy Haagen … Laraine Newman
Voice of Elvis … Andy Kaufman

[Jaunty organ music as a 1970s-era photo of ajumpsuited Elvis Presley singing passionately into amicrophone fills the screen.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now, “Ask Elvis” withpsychic Dorothy Haagen.

[SUPER: Ask Elvis. Music out as we dissolve to asmiling big-haired blonde woman who sits in an easychair, with eyes closed and hands raised together inprayer.]

Dorothy Haagen: [an odd Irish-Southern accent,as if in a trance] Spirits speak to those who listen!Spirits listen to those who speak! [in a more normaltone, to the camera] Hello, I’m psychic DorothyHaagen. Today, we’ll [reverently] ask … Elvisan unusual kind of marriage per-oblem. And all becauseviewer Janette Blalock from Silver Springs, Texaswrote: “Dear Dorothy, I am engaged to be married to atruck-a driverrrr. I want to have a traditionalwedding but he says there’s a chapel outside a truckplaza in Atlanta and he’d like to have itthere. Would you please … [rolls eyes skyward, in ahushed tone] ask … Elvis … who he thinks isright?” Well, sweet spirit, a short time ago Iestab-a-lished contact with … Elvis and readhim your letter and here is what he said.

[As “Love Me Tender” plays, we dissolve to a small,white, slowly-rotating bust of Elvis Presley set in ablack background. The throaty Southern drawl of thelate Elvis Presley is heard:]

Voice of Elvis: Dear Janette: A man can be kindof funny sometimes – wh- when he embarks on somethin’as new and as frightenin’ as marriage. Maybe a fellerneeds to be surrounded by familiar places and faces.Hey. Why not let – let that truck driver man o’ yourshave his way on this? And then watch out, honey,because them gear jammers can really put your hammerdown. But, seriously, Janette. If the tension of thewedding preparations gets to be too much for you, whydon’t you just ask your doctor to prescribe sometranquilizers, sleepin’ aids and diet pills? And tellhim the King sent ya. Truly yours, Elvis.

[Image goes out of focus and we dissolve back toDorothy Haagen, smiling into the camera.]

Dorothy Haagen: Well, dear soul, I hope youremember to send Elvis an invitation to thewedding. In any case, for including your birth dateand time, here’s a bonus message from the spiritworrr-uld: Accept the new job offer and furtheryourself socially – and that’s for either you or yournew hus-a-band. If you have a problem youthink … Elvis could answer, why not write me,psychic Dorothy Haagen, care of your local station[SUPER: Psychic DOROTHY HAAGEN Care of your localstation] and I’ll ask … Elvis. Until nexttime, sweet spirits, remember: He who is ruled by thestars is a fool. He who lets the stars rule him isindeed wise. Good-bye.

[Jaunty organ music as we pull back and dissolve awayto the photo of Elvis in concert with the words “AskElvis” superimposed.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


October 20th, 1979

Eric Idle

Bob Dylan

None

Buck Henry

Andy Kaufman

Bob Zmuda

Peter Aykroyd

Mitchell Laurance
Eric is SickSummary: Buck Henry begs Lorne Michaels to let him host the show in place of a near-death Eric Idle.

Transcript

MontageNote: Don Pardo introduces SNL’s newest performer by saying, “And a little of Harry Shearer.”

Eric Idle’s MonologueSummary: Confined to a stretcher, Eric Idle performs a new breed of medical impressions that require little movement.

Transcript

Hotel-Motel Art FairSummary: Pitchman Tom Clay (Harry Shearer) promotes the exquisite art treasures being sold at the acclaimed Hotel-Motel Art Fair.

Recurring Characters: Tom Clay.

Transcript

Shoe StoreSummary: A shoe salesman (Eric Idle) complicates his customer’s (Bill Murray) simple request for a size 10 and-a-half pair of brown shoes.

Transcript

Bob Dylan performs “Gotta Serve Somebody”

Prince Charles Tells You How To Pick Up Girls!Summary: Prince Charles’ (Eric Idle) new book demonstrates the best methods for picking up girls.

Recurring Characters: Prince Charles.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Political correspondent Gerald Hacker (Harry Shearer) reports on a presidential straw vote held in England. Economic advisor Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner) wanders from discussing the increase in mortgage rates to social gaffes by designer Yves St. Laurent.

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Transcript

Hardcore IISummary: A teenager (Laraine Newman) searches for her long-lost father (Bill Murray), who’s now working as a transvestite stripper.

Bob Dylan performs “I Believe in You”

Andy KaufmanSummary: Andy Kaufman wrestles a random female audience member.

Transcript

Heavy SarcasmSummary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) is extra sarcastic towards her guests (Eric Idle, Bill Murray) on her show’s final broadcast.

Recurring Characters: Joan Face.

Transcript

Ask ElvisSummary: Psychic Dorothy Haagen (Laraine Newman) channels the spirit of Elvis Presley (Andy Kaufman) to offer advice to her troubled viewers.

Transcript

Bob Dylan performs “When You Gonna Wake Up”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

What The Hell Is That?

Tourist #1…..Steve Martin
Tourist #2…..Bill Murray

[ Tourist #1 wanders onto set, looks straight into camera inquisitively with a dumb look on his face ]

Tourist #1: What the hell is that?! [ squints ] What the hell is that? [ chuckling at himself ] What’s that danged thing doing here! How did that get here? What the hell is that?! [ squints ] What the hell is that?! How’d that dang deal get here?! [ turns off-camera ] Hey! Come on over here and look at this deal!

[ Tourist #2 wanders onto the set to take a bewildered look ]

Tourist #2: What the hell is that?

Tourist #1: I don’t know what the hell that is!

Tourist #2: What in the hell is that?!

Tourist #1: Hey, you kids! Get away from there!

Tourist #2: I would not mess with that thing..

Tourist #1: Don’t put your lips on it!

Tourist #2: [ ever curious ] What the hell is this?

Tourist #1: Well.. get a photo of me with it, anyway!

[ Tourist #1 hands camera to Tourist #2, then walks away from camera view to have his picture taken ]

Tourist #2: Be careful with that thing. [ snaps Tourist #1’s picture, as spark of ingenuity develops on his face ] Oh, I know what that is!

Tourist #1: [ returns next to Tourist #2 ] Well, what the hell is it?!

Tourist #2: [ looks closer ] What is that thing..?

Tourist #1: I don’t even care what it is. [ pause ] What the hell is that?!

Tourist #2: I don’t know what the hell that thing is.

Tourist #1: Oh, I know what it is!

Tourist #2: [ seeing it ] Oh, yeah.. oh yeah.. [ chuckles ]

[ Tourist #1 & #2 walk away from the stage. A beat, before their heads peer back into frame, more inquisitive than ever. ]

Tourist #1: What the hell was that?!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The Vandals

Centurion…..Steve Martin
Lieutenant…..Tom Davis
Captain…..Garrett Morris
Pizza Delivery Woman…..Gilda Radner
Guard…..Peter Aykroyd
Juvenile Delinquent Vandal…..Al Franken
Mr. Gundrick…..Bill Murray
Mrs. Gundrick…..Jane Curtin

Announcer: [ over scrolling SUPER ] “Among the barbarian hordes who sacked and pillaged their way across Europe during the waning years of the Roman Empire, no tribe was more notorious than The Vandals, a Germanic people driven westward by Celtic expansion during the Fourth Century A.D. The Vandals established a Kingdom in Gaul, where they quickly became the most feared tribe in the known world – that is, the world as it was known at that time. In saying this, we do not mean to take anything away from the Visigoths, Lumbards, Huns, Francs or Ostragoths. These nomadic groups were certainly terrifying in their own way. But the Vandals.. were unbelievable.”

[ dissolve to a Roman encampment covered with toilet paper ]

[ SUPER: “A Roman Encampment – Somewhere Near The River Elbe – A.D. 419” ]

[ a pair of juvenile Vandals run into the scene, ??? ]

Vandals: Centurion! Centurion! [ they run ]

[ Centurion exits his tent ]

Centurion: Hello! What’s going on out here, who is it? [ looks down to discover the fire in front of his tent ] Oh, no! [ stomps the fire out with his foot, squirting excrement across the grass ] Ohhhhhh! Oh, no! Now, who would do a thing like that?! Guard! [ Guard steps forward ] Give me your sword! [ takes Guard’s sword and scrapes the excrement off the bottom of his sandal ] These are my new sandals! Awww! Guard! Who’s responsible for this?!

Lieutenant: Apparently, we were attacked during the night, sir.

Centurion: Attacked? By whom?

Lieutenant: [ confused ] The Vandals, sir.

Centurion: Vandals, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant: Yes, sir. A Germanic people driven westward by Celtic expansion in the Fourth Century A.D. The Vandals established a Kingdom in Gaul-

Centurion: Don’t give me any of your fancy military school nonsense! I know you graduated cum laude! Now, I want a full report of the damage!

Lieutenant: Well, sir.. we have a score of badly-soiled sandals.. the tires on your chariot were slashed.. and it appears the entire camp has been TPed, sir.

Centurion: TPed?

Lieutenant: Covered with toilet paper, sir.

Centurion: Is that.. dangerous?

Lieutenant: Well.. if it rains..

[ Captain comes running in, covered with eggs ]

Captain: Centurion! Centurion!

Centurion: Captain! What happened?

Captain: We were in pursuit of the Vandals, sir! We were egged!

Centurion: Egged?

Captain: Yes!

Lieutenant: Pelted with rotten eggs, sir.

Captain: Every last man! I’m afraid Marcus caught one right in the face. He never saw it coming!

Lieutenant: [ chuckling ] Of all the men, it would be Marcus!

Centurion: That’s not funny, Lieutenant! He could have put someone’s eye out!

Captain: Uh.. request permission to change armor, sir!

Centurion: By all means, Captain, you’re stinknig up the whole camp!

Captain: With all due respect, sir, your sandals take the cake! [ exits scene ]

Centurion: What a mess! Look at this! Now, who would do something like this?! I mean, I don’t understand it! What possible pleasure could someone derive from this?!

Lieutenant: They think it’s funny, sir?

Centurion: Funny?! Destroying property and endangering human life is funny?!

Lieutenant: Evidently, they think so.

Centurion: Tell me, Lieutenant – how is it you know so much about these Vandals?

Lieutenant: Several years ago, sir.. we rented our beach house in Capri to some Vandals. Some weeks later, when we returned, the house was a complete shambles. We still can’t use the atrium. It’s terrible..

Centurion: Well, that’s just sick! I guess this is just another example of the decline of the Roman Empire!

Lieutenant: A sign of the times, sir.. it makes one sad when-

[ Pizza Delivery Woman clambors forward ]

Pizza Delivery Woman: Pizza delivery!

Centurion: [ more confused ] What-at?! I ordered no pizza! Did you, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant: No, sir.

Pizza Delivery Woman: Well, who is, uh.. [ reading order slip ] “Centurion Likus Flavus”

Centurion: I am he.

Pizza Delivery Woman: Well, according to this, you ordered three anchovy pizzas.

Centurion: But! This cannot be! I ordered no pizza!

Pizza Delivery Woman: Well, someone has to pay for it! I walked ten miles with these, and I’m not leaving here until I’m paid!

Centurion: Ohhhh.. very well.. [ relunctanlt takes out his money ] ..but it does not seem fair! How could such a thing have happened?!

[ Pizza Delivery Woman takes the money and exits the scene ]

Lieutenant: Sir, I have a theory. Perhaps this is the work of the Vandals.

Centurion: But why would they do such a thing?

Lieutenant: To vex us, sir.

Centurion: Then, they shall not succeed! We shall hunt them down, and force them to pay for these pizzas!

[ Guard enters scene with the Juvenile Vandal clutched to a cross ]

Guard: Centurion! Centurion, we’ve captured one of the Vandals! He and his friends were throwing a dead cat into the aquaduct!

Centurion: Now we’ll get around to the bottom of this! You’re in a great deal of trouble, young man! What’s your name?

Juvenile Vandal: [ nonchalantly ] Augustus Caeser!

Centurion: [ twists the young boy’d ear ] Don’t get smart with me! What’s your name?!

Juvenile Vandal: [ relunctantly ] Brad Gundrick. But you can’t call my parents, because they aren’t home!

Guard: He’s lying, sir! We’ve summoned his parents, they should be here at any moment!

[ Mr. And Mrs. Gundrick enter the scene, devestated at their surroundings ]

Mr. Gundrick: Where is he? He’s humiliated me for the last time! Alright, mister.. I’ve had it with you! [ twists his son’s ear ] Where did you ever learn to pull stunts.. like.. that?!

Juvenile Vandal: [ bored ] I dunno..

Mrs. Gundrick: Ohhh..

Mr. Gundrick: Careful, honey..

Mrs. Gundrick: Brad.. Brad, look at me.. [ Brad turns away ] Look at me! Brad, why do you do this? Do you do this to hurt us?

Juvenile Vandal: I dunno..

Mrs. Gundrick: We’ve given you everything! You wanted the spiked sword, we gave you the spiked sword.. you wanted the slave girl, we gave you the slave girl.. Is this how you thank us?

Juvenile Vandal: I dunno..

Centurion: Answer your mother when she talks to you!

Mr. Gundrick: I’ll tell you one thing: you can forget that trip to Spain, because you’re ground-ed, you fellow!

Juvenile Vandal: I wasn’t doing anything everybody else wasn’t doin’!!

Mrs. Gundrick: I suppose if everyone jumped off a cliff, you’d do that, too?

Juvenile Vandal: I dunno..

Centurion: We appreciate your coming down, Mr. and Mrs. Gundrick. We will consider this your son’s first offense. But there is still the little matter of some damages. I paid for pizzas even though I ordered no pizzas!

Mr. Gundrick: Well, I think this is coming out of someone’s allowance.

Mrs. Gundrick: Thank you, Centurion. I’m sorry our son had to be involved in this. And I’d like to say it’s reassuring to find a Roman magistrate who understands problems children face growing up in nomadic hordes.. changing schools all the time..

Mr. Gundrick: Alright, dear.. let’s not take up any more of the Centurion’s valuable time. Thank you, sir.

Mrs. Gundrick: Thank you. [ to Brad ] Isn’t there something you’ve forgotten to say, Brad?

Juvenile Vandal: [ unwillingly ] I’m sor-ry..

Centurion: I don’t ever want to see you back here again, young man.

Mr. Gundrick: Goodbye, Centurion.

Centurion: [ as the Gundricks depart from the scene ] You are very lucky to have parents like those, Brad. you listen to them! They’re good parents! [ with the Gundricks now out of sight, Centurion turns to his Lieutenant ] Lieutenant.. have the three of them put to death. And cut off their heads and put them on some poles out in front of the camp.

Lieutenant: Right, sir.

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “It was easy to kill a few Vandals, but not so easy to kill.. an idea. Throughout the course of Western History, vandalism has remained a major force in civilization. And so long as man erects monuments, with imagination and ingenuity.. there will be those who spray-paint them, and knock them over.”

[ camera zooms out on the studio ]

[ SUPER: “Coming up Next: “Kissinger-Frost Stoop Tag Playoffs” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci … Don Novello

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with theWeekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons BillMurray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin.Here now the news. Our top story tonight:

Well, the results are in from the Democratic countycaucus straw vote in Florida where Carter comfortablycarried sixty-six out of sixty-seven counties. The onehe almost lost was Dade County where his mother wasactively campaigning. … The politically sharp Mr.Carter said he was pleased with his victory andimmediately appointed his mother ambassador toZimbabwe, Rhodesia until the 1980 elections areover.

In Washington, President Carter has announced that hewill continue to use town meetings as a forum forreaching the people. A member of the president’s staffsaid that the next such meeting will probably takeplace in the small Massachusetts town ofChappaquiddick. …

Bill?

Bill Murray: New York mayor Ed Koch announcedthis week that city radio station WNYC would startbroadcasting the names of men arrested withprostitutes in an effort to frighten potentialpatrons. The prostitutes themselves will have theirnames listed in the newspapers along with their phonenumbers and prices. …

Cuban president Fidel Castro brought live chickens andlobsters with him on his trip to New York as asecurity precaution against poisoned American food.These animals will taste each of Castro’s meals forhim to make sure that they’re safe to eat. …[applause]

Jane?

Jane Curtin: Yesterday, Vermont governorRichard Snelling launched a nationwide effort to draftformer president Gerald R. Ford as a candidate for the1980 Republican presidential nomination saying, “Ifthe nation is offered Gerald Ford, it will chooseGerald Ford.” Mr. Ford reportedly replied, “I’ll haveto wait and see which nation I’m being offered to. …I hope it’s Guatemala — it’s Betty’s home town.”…

Bill?

Bill Murray: [not paying attention, headbobbing, eyes closed, singing to himself] “Sixteenounces and just one calorie …”

Jane Curtin: Bill?

Bill Murray: [quickly recovers] Shouting jibes andchattering incessantly, thousands of pet parakeetsstormed New York’s Chrysler building demanding smallelectric cars to drive in their cages. …Unfortunately, they stormed the wrong floor and endedup highly embarrassed. Ha! …

The General Motors corporation announced today that itwill be recalling a number of Buicks and Oldsmobilesin response to numerous complaints by their owners. AGM spokesman said today that all 1937 Buicks and 1930Oldsmobiles will be recalled to investigate reportsthat the upholstery in both these vehicles is now oldand musty-smelling. …

A Federal Trade Commission judge ruled yesterday thatthere was no evidence that Bufferin worked faster thanaspirin or that Excedrin was a better pain relieverthan aspirin and ordered the maker, the Bristol-Myerscompany, to stop making false advertising claims. TheBristol-Myers spokesperson could not be reached forcomment, reportedly having stayed home with a Quaaludeheadache. …

Jane, just what do you take for a headache?

Jane Curtin: Midol. [chuckles] …

Anniversary wishes are in order for Mr. and Mrs. JamesEarl Ray who were married exactly one year ago today.The convicted slayer of Martin Luther King, Jr. isserving a life sentence in Brushy MountainPenitentiary where he has been denied conjugal visitswith his wife Anna. To celebrate their paperanniversary, the frustrated couple exchanged homemadescratch-and-sniff greeting cards. … [quite a fewgroans from the crowd]

Scientists at Los Alamos, New Mexico said this weekthat tests neither prove nor disprove that thecontroversial Shroud of Turin is actually the twothousand year old burial cloth of Jesus Christ.Nevertheless, fashion industry sources report theimminent merchandising of a new designer line, GloriaVanderbilt Shrouds by Murjani, to come out in theSpring.

Bill Murray: Father Guido Sarducci was amongthe two hundred and forty traveling press people whocovered the Pope’s United States tour. I bet it wasquite a thrill. How did it go, Father?

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle,cigarette smoking, Italian-accented Father GuidoSarducci, gossip columnist for the Vaticannewspaper.]

Father Guido Sarducci: It was. It was a realthrill, Bill. It was just terrific. But now I’m alittle down. I have what my psychiatrist calls”post-papal depression.” … Was such a high, youknow, bein’ on that tour and now it’s over. Only thingI didn’t like about the tour was the merchandising.They had, like, Pope T-shirts, Pope buttons, posters,banners, anything you can think of. You know, you cancall me anti-materialistic if you want to but I justdon’t think it’s right for somebody to make a T-shirt,put a person’s picture on it, and then not to givethat person part of the percentage of the profits. …I mean, look at this. It’s amazing. [holds up a PopeT-shirt] If you buy T-shirt like this, it’s not justfor the T-shirt you buy it — it’s because the Pope ison it. If you just want a T-shirt, you can go to J. C.Penney’s ‘stead of going through all the traffic andcrowds. But the Pope, from this T-shirt, I’ll tell youwhat he got. He got absolutely zero. It was a rip-off.First, they did it to Mr. Bill, now the Pope. …[applause]

And it was – it was the same thing with his recordalbum. He was in Poland couple of months ago and hewas just singin’ some songs with these Polishstudents. Somebody must’ve had a cassette taperecorder. First thing, there’s albums out all overEurope and now even in the United States. This is it.[holds up an album ] They said this has shipped doubleplatinum. … That’s a lot of albums. And the Popegets absolutely no percentage, no royalties from thiswhatsoever. And, you know, I hate to plug this album’cause, you know, it bein’ so bad to him, but thetruth is, it’s a pretty good album. … The mancan sing, he really can. … I mean, he’s noSmokey Robinson but … if you like Polish folk songs,this is the album for you. … [applause]

A lot of the Popes have made albums but none of ’emsold very well. Pope Paul VI, he had three albums out.The best seller — but it was not hardly good sellerat all, I don’t think it even made the charts — iswhat they call his “White Album” [holds up an albumresembling the Beatles’ White Album] … Came out inthe early seventies. And it had a really nice posterinside of him. [pulls a glossy photo of the Pope outof the album] … This one’s kind of soiled ’cause Ihad it pinned up on my refrigerator for years. … Butmy favorite Pope Paul VI album was his second album.Was called “The Second Collection.” [holds up anotheralbum with a colorful image of the Pope on the cover]Well, this was the first Pope album that featuredmodern graphics. It’s kind of psychedelic. … I likeit. He looks– Kind of smiling there — looks prettygood. … My favorite Pope album of all, though, wasmade in 1955 by Pius XII. Kind of what you call an”oldie” nowadays. You know, Pius XII has gotten a lotof bad press. They say he was aristocratic. He thoughthe was better than everybody else. But, say what youwant about him, the man made a very, very good album.Was called, “Here’s Looking Down at You” [holds upanother album with photo of seated Pope wavingdownward to people below] … It just never got thepush that it should have but I hope now that there’smore interest in Popes, they might reissue this one.

It’s amazing to me all the interest in the Pope lastcouple weeks. I think it’s because of John Paul’svisit, personally, but, you know, whatever the reason,people are buyin’ these posters that show all of thePopes and people want to know what their names are,what their real names are, when they was livin’, whenthey died, all that stuff. And, going along with thisPapal mania, I’ve kind of designed a contest about thePopes. [holds up a large photo showing a close-up ofthe surface of a pizza] It’s called “Find the Popes inthe Pizza” … All two hundred and fifty-four Popes,they’re in here. … And, what we’re gonna do in aboutone minute, we’re gonna put a close-up of this on yourscreen and, you at home, all you have to do is getsome, like, wax paper, any kind of paper you can seethrough and paste it to your screen — or tape it,whatever you want — and all you gotta do is get apencil and draw a circle around every place you see apicture of a Pope. And, while we’re doing this–

Well, I think what I’m gonna do for the prize, whoeverwins — you know, finds the most Popes — they’ll getto have a button that I designed myself. I noticed onthe tour, the best selling button was this. [holds upbutton] It says, “I Got a Peek at the Pope” … And Idesigned a button that I think even more people canrelate to. [holds up another button] It says, “I sawthe Pope on TV” … This is what you win. And now, Ithink, we’re about ready. So while you’re looking atthe pizza for thirty seconds, I’m gonna play a cutfrom Pius XII’s album. … Here is Pius XII singing”On the Sunny Side of the Street” … And now find thePope in the pizza. Good luck to you. All two hundredand fifty-four.

[A jazz recording of the old pop song “On the SunnySide of the Street” plays as we dissolve to close-upof the pizza: mostly a red mass of tomato sauce, butalso cheese and one rather large image of a Popesitting behind a desk in the lower right hand corner.The other Popes are invisible to the naked eye. Aclock ticks off thirty seconds in the upper left handcorner as Father Sarducci’s voice chimes in withoccasional helpful hints.]

Some are easy to find, some are hard. … Here’s alittle clue for you. Most of the Popes have red faces…. Here’s another clue. One of them is in the rightside of the screen. … Behind the desk.

[Time runs out, the song ends, and we return to FatherSarducci at the desk.]

Well, I hope that you got quite a few of them. Now,all you have to do is take the paper off, fold it up,put in an envelope, and address it to [holds up anenvelope] “Find the Popes in the Pizza Contest” … 30Rockefeller Plaza New York, New York 10020 ZIP. And Isuggest that up here you put your return address. Andthe reason for that is when you go to the mailbox,just before you put it into the slot, you look hereand it reminds you of where you should go back to. …Well, it was more than wonderful. Arrivederci,America!

Bill Murray: That’s the news. Good night andhave a pleasant tomorrow.

[Applause. Father Sarducci invites Bill Murray to lookfor a Pope in the pizza and Bill happily plays alongand points one out as we go to commercial.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Great Moments In Rock History

Don Kirschner…..Paul Shaffer
Carole King…..Laraine Newman
Henry……Steve Martin
Mugger…..Garrett Morris

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Don Kirschner in studio ]

Don Kirschner: I’m Don Kirschner… and welcome to “Great Moments in Rock History”! A show that tells the stories behind the hits… the loves, the fears, the anxieties, the depressings, the inspirations… which come together… to make up… the rock and roll industry! Tonight… “Great Moments” looks… at a great lady: Miss Carole King! For most, it is impossible to pinpoint… the greatest moment in an artist’s career… but not for me, Don Kirschner! To ME… Carole King’s GREATEST moment… was when she wrote her GREATEST hit… “You’ve Got A Friend”! So, tonight, “Great Moments”… takes you… to Upper West Side, New York… where Carole King’s GREATEST moment… becomes our GREAT Moment… in Rock History!

[ image pixellates to exterior stoop of Carole King’s apartment ]

[ the door opens, as Carole and a male friend step outside ]

Henry: Please, Carole! I think I should stay the night, I — I gotta TALK to somebody, I feel so — so — confused and depressed!

Carole King: Listen, Henry — you know, I know how you feel, honey, I really do. It’s just that I’m on a roll, I’m 90% finished with this song!

Henry: Carole. I know you’ve always been there for me. Tonight, I don’t know what — I just feel depressed. I don’t know what I’m gonna do! [ he breaks into tears ]

Carole King: [ consoling him ] Hey, listen — I know. I’ve been there before. But, listen, I want you to go home and phone me when you get there. You promise me you’ll do that, because I’m worried about you. Will you do that?

Henry: [ nodding ] Okay.

Carole King: Okay.

[ she kisses him, then promptly shuts the door into his dejected face ]

[ Henry slowly walks down the steps of the stoop, as Carole appears at the piano in the bay window and begins to play and sing ]

Carole King: [ singing ]
“When you’re down and troubled
And you need someone to care
And nothing, nothing’s going right…”

[ as Henry reaches the sidewalk, a Mugger rises from behind the stoop and holds a switchblade to Henry’s face ]

Mugger: Okaaayyy, honkie, give me your cash!

Henry: [ smiling ] You can’t get away with this! [ he points toward the window ] I’ve got a friend in there — all I have to do is call! Listen — you can hear her sing!

Mugger: Uh, yeah, yeah — I hear, man.

Henry: See! I’ll just call her!

Mugger: Yeah, I’m shakin’, man.

[ the Mugger stabs Henry in the chest with his switchblade, then grabs his wallet from his back pocket and walks away ]

Carole King: [ singing ]
“You just call out my name…”

Henry: [ bleeding profusely ] CAROLE!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“And you know whereever I am…”

Henry: PLEASE, CAROLE!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“I’ll come running…”

Henry: HURRY, CAROLE!!! RUN!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“…to see you again…”

Henry: CAROLE, CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“Winter, spring, summer, or fall…”

Henry: NOW, CAROLE!! NOW!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“All you gotta do is call…”

Henry: CAR-OLLLLLE!!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“And I’ll be there…”

Henry: I’M ALMOST DEAD, CAROLE!!! HELP ME, CAROLE!!!

[ Carole stands up and walks over to the open window ]

Henry: OH, CAROLE!! THANK YOU!!

[ Carole slams the window shut ]

Henry: CARO-O-O-OLLLLE!!!

Carole King: [ continues singing ]
“Don’t you know, that you’ve got a friend.”

Henry: CAROLE, I NEED YOU!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“People can be so cold.They’ll hurt you…”

Henry: I’VE BEEN HU-U-URT!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“…and desert you.”

Henry: I’VE BEEN SERIOUSLY HURT!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“And they’ll take your soul if you let them.”

Henry: I THINK HE PUNCTURED MY KIDNEY IN HERE!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“Oh, but don’t you let them…”

Henry: I’M DYING NOW, CAROLE!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“You just call out my name…”

Henry: CAROLE KI-I-I-INNNGGG!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“…and you know wherever I am.”

Henry: WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, CAROLE?!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“I’ll come running…”

Henry: CAROLE!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“…to see you again.”

Henry: CAROLE..!!”

Carole King: [ singing ]
“Oh… Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall…”

Henry: [ whispery ] Carole…

Carole King: [ singing ]
“All you’ve got to do is call.”

Henry: CAROLLLLE!!!!!!

Carole King: [ singing ]
“And I’ll be there, yes I will.
You’ve got a friend.”

[ Henry’s eyes glaze over and he dies ]

Carole King: [ singing ]
“Ain’t it good to know, you’ve got a friend.”

[ the song complete, Caroel stands and turns out the lights ]

[ screen pixellates back to Don Kirschner ]

Don Kirschner: Carole King’s friend, Henry Adelman, died on arrival… at Lennox Hill Hospital… but he did not die in vain… for his death provided Carole with the inspiration… for another million-selling monster hit… “It’s Too Late, Baby”! See you next week… for another “Great Moment in Rock History.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Rise

…..Steve Martin
…..Buck Henry

[ show exterior visual of the New York Port Authority ]

[ dissolve to interior, Steve Martin cleaning his hands in the sink of an unappealing public bathroom ]

Steve Martin: I hate bathrooms like this – they’re dirty, they’re disgusting, and they’re germ-ridden. Hi. I’m Steve Martin. You know, whether you like it or not, there are times when all of us have no coice but to use facilities that aren’t exactly.. “sanitized for your protection.” How do you protect yourself? These things? [ pulls a seat protection sheet from a dispenser ] Sorry – too thin. Germs can eat their way through this flimsy tissue and attack your leg in no time at all!

[ removes product from his pocket, and holds it up to the camera ]

That’s why I use.. Rise. Just one drop of Rise, and we guarantee that your seat will never make contact with their seat. You see, Rise contains the same active ingredient as Crazy Glue. Only we’ve taken out the adhesive. Therefore, once Rise enters the bloodstream.. [ sprays Rise into his mouth ] it actually repels all surfaces.

[ enters bathroom stall, closes the door and takes his seat ]

[ camera holds on the outside of stall door, as we suddenly notice Steve’s head “rise” slowly past the top of the stall door, a smirk on his face ]

I am now seating about eight inches above the bowl, and I’ll shake the hand of any germ who can make that leap! Just one drop of Rise can keep a guy my size afloat and out of danger for five full days!

[ in adjacent stall, the head of a bearded Buck Henry hidden behind a newspaper suddenly “rises” above the stall door ]

Steve Martin: Hi!

Buck Henry: [ lowers his paper to return the greeting ] Hello!

Steve Martin: The choice is yours. You can sit in it.. or you can “Rise” above it.

Announcer: Rise. Helps keep the “high” in “hygeine”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The Pope at Monsterdome

Security Guard…..Garrett morris
Sister Francis Mary Bryson…..Laraine Newman
Delivery Boy…..Jim Downey
Monsignor Aldini…..Bill Murray
Aldini’s Date…..Jane Curtin
Singing Nun…..Gilda Radner
Guard…..Tom Davis
The Pope…..Steve Martin

[ open on NBC animated graphic ]

Announcer: “N-B-C, Smart As a Pea-Cock!”

[ dissolve to exterior Monsterdome, prior to The Pope’s visit. A security guard stands at the door to make sure only authorized personnel have diret access to The Pope ]

[ SUPER: “THIS IS NOT A REPEAT” ]

Security Guard: Alright! Alright, everybody, hey! Move back, please! If you’re not on the list, and you don’t have a pass.. stand behind the barricade, okay! Stand behind the barricade!

[ the crowd boos ]

Security Guard: Say, Jack.. say, Jack.. say, have you got a pass?

Bishop McCreary: Bishop McCreary – plus one.

Security Guard: Oh.. oh.. yeah.. okay. Right here. You’re on the list. Alright? [ hands name tags to to the Bishop and his guest ] Put that right there, and go ahead. Please. Bishop McCreary, go ahead.

[ Bishop McCreary enters, as Sister Francis Mary Bryson steps up ]

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Hello.

Security Guard: Yes, ma’am.

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: I’m Sister Francis Mary Bryson. I’m a militant nun.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] Well.. you’re not on the list.

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Well.. I know I’m not on the list.. you see, I’m concerned.. well.. perhaps “concerned” is too strong a word. I’m hopeful that his Holy Father would, perhaps, um.. listen to, well.. perhaps t’s unfair to suggest that he wouldn’t.. listen.. that he would consider.. some of our, uh.. “demands”.. uh, I mean.. “suggestions”! “Suggestions”! Uh.. increasing the role of women in the church.. and I would like to enter a formal protest.

Security Guard: Hmm..

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: I mean “vigil”.

Security Guard: Mmm-hmm..

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Silent “vigil”. [ pointing ] And, uh.. I-I-I’d just be behind there, I mean I wouldn’t make one sound.. you wouldn’t even know I was-

Security Guard: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. Well, I’ll tell you what – the Pope said that anyone who wants to make a protest should stand behind that barricade, and the Pope will come out and talk to you at the end.

Sister Francis Mary Brison: Ohh.. okay.. thank you. Well, would you mind if I lit this candle?

Security Guard: Sure – behind the barricade.

[ Delivery Boy steps up, holding a papl gown in plastic wrap ]

Delivery Boy: G&K Cleaners? Had to take care of the wine stain?

Security Guard: [ hands him a name tag ] Oh, yeah.. here, man.. put this on and go ahead.

[ Delivery Boy enters, as Monsignor Aldini and his date (dressed as a nun) step up ]

Monsignor Aldini: Hi.

Security Guard: Yes? Yes?

Monsignor Aldini: Monsignor Aldini – with a guest.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] I’m sorry, you’re not on the list, man.

Monsignor Aldini: Look under “Monsignors”.

Security Guard: Nope. Nope.

Aldini’s Date: I can’t believe this is happening to Monsignor Aldini!

Monsignor Aldini: Alright, wait a minute.. I’m a friend of His Holiness. He told me: “Stage Entrance, with a guest. No problem.”

Security Guard: Man, I wish I had a dollar for every guy who told me he knew the Pope! Now get behind that barricade!

Aldini’s Date: Can you believe this, Monsignor? [ chuckles ]

Monsignor Aldini: Welllll.. it could happen.. [ pretends to recognize a passing bishop ] Father Runyon! Jimmy Runyon! Hey! Hey! It’s me! Aldini! Hey, look – if you see the Vicar of Christ in there, will you tell him he forgot to put me on the list!

Security Guard: I’m not gonna tell you again, man! Get behind the barricade now!

[ Monsignor Aldini and his date step aside, as one-hit wonder recording artist The Singing Nun steps up ]

The Singing Nun: Pardon? I believe I am on ze list? I am the Singing Nun.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] Nope. Sorry.

The Singing Nun: But I am the Singing Nun. Listen.. [ strums guitar and sings her one hit “Dominique” ]

Security Guard: Does anybody know this penguin here?! Huh?

Second Guard: Don’t mind her – she’s been hanging around for the whole tour.

Security Guard: Yeah..

Second Guard: If His Holiness sees her backstage, he’ll flip!

Security Guard: Right.. right. [ to the Singing Nun ] Okay, okay.. look. That’s it.. that’s it, now. Behind the barricade.. behind the barricade..

[ The Singing Nun is pushed aside, as Monsignor Aldini decides to make another try at getting in ]

Monsignor Aldini: Okay, now.. I can see why you threw out the Singing Nun – she’s obviously a Dominican bloodsucker. But the Holy Father is expecting me, and I would not like to be in your Adidas when the man says “Where’s Monsignor Aldini?” Okay?

Security Guard: Man.. get.. behind.. the barricade!

Aldini’s Date: I can’t believe this is happening!

Monsignor Aldini: Did the Holy Father say what hotel he’s staying at?

Security Guard: Yeah, I think he’s staying at the Y!

Monsignor Aldini: The YMCA?

Security Guard: Yeah!

Monsignor Aldini: I am a man of God! But I have a limit to my patience!

[ Monsignor Aldini and his date are escorted away from the door, as a group of bishops step out; the crowd gets excited ]

Crowd: Is he coming through!!

[ suddenly, The Pope comes out, the crowd going wild ]

The Pope: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The All-New Mr. Bill Show

Mr. Bill: Hi, and welcome to the “All-New Mr. Bill Show”! with an all-new cast! Yayyyyyy!! You know.. that mean ol’ Sluggo and Mr. Hands won’t be back this season, because I think they were holding us back. But don’t worry, kids, because we’re gonna do a lot of fun things. Yayyyyyyy!! Say, to help start off the festivities, here’s my co-host, and my best friend – Spot! Yayyyyyy!!!

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Bill: [ laughing ] Spot says it fits the flea perfectly! Spot, you’re so funny! And now, kids, I’d like to introduce you to a new guest on the show. She’s really versatile, witty and cute, and I met her on the beach this summer – let’s hear it for Miss Sally! Yayyyyyy!!

[ Miss Sally is revealed ]

Mr. Bill: Say, Miss Sally.. I wanted to show the kids some movies of how we met at the beach this summer.

Miss Sally: [ excited ] Okay!

Mr. Bill: Oh, great! So, will you roll the film now, please? [ the film doesn’t start ] Uhhh.. the film, please? Could you roll it?

[ Mr. Hands reaches into the scene carrying a film projector ]

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill.. I’m returning the protector I borrowed. Oops!

[ drops the projector on Miss Sally ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh! Sally, ohhhh! Mr. Hands! Didn’t I tell you to quit coming over here? Huh?

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Bill: Yeah! And, you know, we were having the best show ever until you showed up!

Mr. Hands: But Mr. Bill, I heard you were showing home movies tonight.

Mr. Bill: Well, I’m not in the mood any more!

Mr. Hands: Oh, come on. Help me plug it in.

Mr. Bill: [ with his arm casually resting on the projector reel ] Ohhh, no. You just want to shock me! Well, I’m not falling for that one again!

Mr. Hands: Okay. I’ll do it.

[ Mr. Hands plugs in the projector, which slices off Mr. Bill’s arm when the reels begins to spin ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhh!!!

[ the film begins to play, showing Mr. Bill and Spot at the beach with Mr. Hands ]

Mr. Hands V/O: Ah, what a beautiful day that was, when we went to the beach at Coney Island.

Mr. Bill: Oh, goodie! Oh boy, we’re gonna have fun today at the beach!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill, let’s toss the frisbee.

Mr. Bill: But I’m busy right now!

Mr. Hands: Oh.. okay. I’ll play with Spot. Here, Spot! Catch the frisbee!

[ Mr. Hands tosses the frisbee, which slices Spot’s head off ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, no! Spot, oh!

[ Mr. Hands brings Miss Sally onto the beach scene ]

Mr. Hands: Oh, say, Mr. Bill.. this nice, young lady returned your frisbee.

Mr. Bill: Oh gee, thanks, Miss. Would you like to stay for lunch? Huh?

Miss Sally: Okay.

Mr. Bill: Oh, good! Say, Mr. Hands.. uh.. do we have any more food in the basket, huh?

Mr. Hands: Gee, I don’t know.. why don’t you check?

[ Mr. Hands holds Mr. Bill up to the open picnic basket ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, okay.. gee.. there’s nothing left.

Mr. Hands: Oh?

[ Mr. Hands closes the basket onto Mr. Bill’s arm ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: [ throws the beach ball ] Say, why don’t you two throw the beach ball around?

[ the beach ball flattens Mr. Bill and Miss Sally onto the sand ]

Mr. Hands: Oh! You’re suntanning! Say, I’ll put on some hand lotion, and protect you from the sun. [ pours lighter fluid onto Mr. Bill’s back ]

Mr. Bill: Well, okay..

Mr. Hands: Say, you know, and I’ve got something that’ll give you an even quicker tan. [ holds a magnifying glass over Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: [ nervous ] Uh, what’s that, Mr. Hands? [ the sun into the magnifying glass causes Mr. Bill to ignite faster than Michael Jackson ] Wait, that’s too hot! No, I don’t- ohhhhhh!!

[ cut to Mr. Bill at the movie projector watching in horror ]

[ cut back to the movie, as a buff beachgoer runs toward the camera and kicks sand at it ]

Mr. Hands: Uh-oh! Here comes Miss Sally’s jealous boyfriend.

[ the sand has left Mr. Bill buried along the shore ]

Mr. Hands: Oh! He kicked sand in your face! [ reaches down to retrieve Mr. Bill ] Uh.. Mr. Bill? What are you doing, looking for buried treasure? Huh? [ lifts Mr. Bill out of the sand with a shovel, revealing a small treasure ] Oh, boy, you hit the jackpot, Mr. Bill! That’s great!

Mr. Bill: Oh, really? I did! Well, what’s inside, huh, Mr. Hands?

Mr. Bill: Well, here.. why don’t you check? [ holds the treasure chest to Mr. Bill’s hand, then lets it shut close ]

Mr. Bill: No, wait, no, no..! [ Mr. Hands opens the chest to reveal tiny mousetraps covering his hand ] Ohhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill.. why don’t you wash some of that sand off of you, huh? [ tosses Mr. Bill into the surf ]

Mr. Bill: No, no! But you know I can’t swim!

Mr. Hands: Oh, gee, that’s right.. I’d better get the lifeguard.. [ reveal Sluggo as the lifeguard ] He said this will save you.. [ tosses a life preserver over Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhh!

Mr. Hands: [ places Mr. Bill on a stray surfboard ] Oh, boy! Surf’s up, Mr. Bill!

Mr. Bill: Oh, but you know I can’t surf! Ohhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands V/O: Boy, Mr. Bill, you really rode those waves that day. And Miss Sally was so impressed with how brave you were to fight the dangerous shark.

[ Mr. Bill surfs right into the waiting, open mouth of a shark ]

[ cut back to the all-new Mr. Bill set, where only Spot and Mr. Hands remain ]

Mr. Hands: Man, that was quite a day, Mr. Bill. Uh.. Mr. Bill? Mr. Bill, where are you?

[ Spot barks ]

Mr. Hands: Oh, really, Spot? Hmm. Oh, say, Spot, uh.. between you and me, I like the set the way it used to be.

[ Mr. Hands cuts the string atop the disco ball, as it falls flat on top of Spot ]

Mr. Hands: Ah, much better. See you net time, bye-bye!

[ close ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Martin!

Steve Martin: Thank you.. thank you very much! Although I have just released a new comedy album, I’m kinda getting out of the comedy thing.. And I feel a lot of you people are wondering what.. Steve.. is into now. Well.. I’m kinda getting into the high-fashion deal. I’ve always enjoyed the fashion magazines, like Bazaar and Vogue.. and now they have the fashion magazines for men. And that’s kinda what I want to get into – I want to be a male model. Because they always get to stand like.. this. [ strikes a series of his male model poses ]

[ suddenly, with no announcement, the SNL house band breaks into “Stompin’ At The Savoy” ]

What’s going on here? Hold it! Wait a minute – cut it! What’s with the music! I can’t believe this! We came in two weeks early for rehearsal, and you get this! This is the kind of thing that irritates me! I’m out here doing my male modeling bit – my best bit – and you get something like this! What’s the deal, Howard?! I can’t believe this! [ upset ] Okay! Okay! I can wait! I can wait!

[ despite his protest, Steve suddenly begins to dance along to the music, the audience cheering favorably at Steve’s dance moves. Strobe lights suddenly appear, giving the illusion of Steve in motion even though he stands perfectly still, compensating only by making a shadowy dog-face of his hand move its mouth open and close via Steve’s pinky finger ]

[ Steve makes a giant leap in the air onto his feet, as the full house lights go back up ]

Steve Martin: Thank you! We’ll be right back with “Saturday Night” – special guest Blondie!

SNL Transcripts