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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 14

77n: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Everything’s Blurry

Female Passenger…..Jill Clayburgh
Male Passenger…..John Belushi
Gentleman…..Andy Murphy

[ open on interior, airplane, night ]

Female Passenger: I’m just going to sleep. You can have the window seat, if you want to look out…

Male Passenger: [ squinting ] Ahhh… there’s nothing to see out there.

Female Passenger: No, no, that’s not true. We’ll be crossing over the Rockies soon. They’re beautiful.

Male Passenger: What’s so beautiful about a bunch of blurry mountains? A big disappointment, just like everything else out West!

Female Passenger: Have you ever seen the Grand Canyon?

Male Passenger: Yeah. I don’t know what all the FUSS is! It’s just a BIG out-of-focus HOLE in the ground! All blurry and all. Let me tell ya’ — I’ve been all over the world; I ain’t NEVER seen a place I really liked. You know? Egypt… Japan… France…

Female Passenger: [ impressed ] France? Oh, what was France like?

Male Passenger: A big letdown! I was in Paris, I went to the Louvre. Let me tell ya’ — I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s just one out-of-focus sculpture after another. Rooms and rooms of fuzzy paintings. Even the Mona Lisa, jsut like all the rest, all indistinct and BLURRY!

Female Passenger: Well, what about the women? I mean, the women in France, they’re supposed to be the msot beautiful women in the world.

Male Passenger: [ he scoffs ] Ahh, don’t ya’ believe it! They’re just like women everywhere — all fuzzy-looking and out-of-focus! I’ll tell ya’ — the only beautiful women I ever saw was my wife. I got a picture of her, I carry it wherever I go.

Female Passenger: Well… I’d love to see it…

Male Passenger: There. [ he hands her a fuzzy black-and-white framed photo ] Now, THAT was a beautiful woman!

Female Passenger: Oh… I-I’m sorry… Is she no longer living?

Male Passenger: Yeahhh. She died in a car crash. I kind of blame myself.

Female Passenger: Ohhhhh, you’re all alone in the world, then?

Male Passenger: Yep! You might say that. I’m kind of disillusioned. I look around me and there’s no beauty in the world. I don’t trust people — they’re always making BIG DEALS out of things that don’t WARRANT it!

Female Passenger: Well, you know, you’re — you’re — you’re not a bad-looking man.

Male Passenger: Ahh, you’re just saying that. I’ve looked in the mirror, and I know I’m all ill-defined and blurry.

Female Passenger: Have you ever thought about seing an eye doctor?

Male Passenger: [ confused ] An eye doctor?

Female Passenger: Yeah. You know, to check your eyes and to prescribe glasses?

Male Passenger: [ more confused ] Glasses?

Female Passenger: Yeah. Like — like these that I’m wearing. [ she removes her glasses ] Without these, everything is blurry… but with them, everything’s in-focus.

Male Passenger: Are you pulling my leg?

Female Passenger: No. No, here. Try them on. [ she puts her glasses over his eyes ]

Male Passenger: [ distraught ] Everything’s BLURRIER, and FUZZIER, and even MORE ILL-DEFINED!!

Female Passenger: [ smiling ] Oh, that’s because you need a different prescription!

Male Passenger: I don’t think that’s it! [ he takes the glasses off ] I think you’re just putting me on about these “glasses” things! Here! [ he hands back her glasses ]

Female Passenger: Noooo, I’m not…

Male Passenger: And I was getting to like ya’, even though you’re fuzzy-looking! I’m gonna sit somewhere else.

Female Passenger: [ flabbergasted ] Well, I-I-I was only trying to help you…

Male Passenger: Noooo, no it’s no use! It’s no use. Once somebody lies to me, I can’t trust them again.

[ he stands and approaches the gentleman sitting in the row in front of him ]

Male Passenger: Excuse me. Is someone sitting next to you?

[ the gentleman wakes up, pulls down his glasses, then looks at the woman sitting nexto him, then turns back to the male passenger ]

Gentleman: Yeah.

Male Passenger: No. [ he approaches the woman who was sitting behind him ] Pardon me. Is someone sitting next to you?

Woman: Yes.

[ he returns to the original female passenger ]

Male Passenger: Excuse me? Is someone sitting next to you?

Female Passenger: No.

[ having failed to recognize her, he returns to his original seat and sighs ]

Male Passenger: It’s kind of a disappointing trip. Huh?

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 14

77n: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Jill Clayburgh’s Monologue

…..Jill Clayburgh

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jill Clayburgh!

Jill Clayburgh: Hiiii! [ the audience applauds wildly ] Thank you. Oh, it’s really great to be back here. You know, I hosted this show two years ago, and it was really great fun and we’ve been having a great time doing it this year. And, uh — But, you know, when I saw the repeat of the show that I did last time, I learned a very important lesson. I realized that with, you know, well, with the rehearsal and everything — you know, you’re talking all the time — I didn’t really prepare the opening, you know, this part, as well as I should have done it. You know? The opening — well, it’s important because I can be myself and you can get to know me, and I’m not a character — I dn’t have wigs on, I’m not crazy. And, uh — so it’s important to be prepared for that, I want to make a nice impression, I want you to like me. So before I came back this time, i vowed I would learn my lesson from the last time and PREPARE. Well — uh — I learned another lesson this week. I learned that I didn’t really learn my lesson last time. Otherwise, this opening would be a lot funnier and a lot longer than it’s going to be! So I think I really leanred my lesson this time, and if they ever ask me back, I-I’m gonna really WORK on this opening! HARDER than any other part of the show! I mean, I’m gonna really spend a lot of TIME on it! And, uh, it’ll really be GREAT next time. So, until next time… watch this time… and it’s gonna be long and it’s gonna be funny. And, uh, we’ll be right back, after this message.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 14

77n: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Goodnights

…..Jill Clayburgh

Jill Clayburgh: Well, thank you all very much. And the cast and Eddie Money, and, uh, it’s really been — it’s been great being here, and I’m still thinking about that opening for the next time that I come and that I’m on this show. [ an orange is tossed to her from off-camera ] Oh! See, I’m quick, too! So… good night!

[ the cast surrounds Clayburgh on-stage, including a late Dan Aykroyd ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night: Our host will be Christopher Lee, with musical guest Meat Loaf, and Richard Belzer. Until then, this is Don Pardo — or, as I’m know on St. Patrick’s Day: Don O’Pard. Good niiiight.

[ Clayburgh and the cast continue to toss the organge back and forth with someone off-stage ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 14

77n: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

The Coneheads on Earth

Student…..Jill Clayburgh
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Ronnie…..Bill Murray

[ open in interior, motel room, Student smoking a cigarette in bed ]

Student: You might not believe this, but.. this is the first time I’ve ever done this in a motel. I mean, I just split with my old man, and we were really tight. The only reason I’m here tonight is that I think you’re really.. “special”.

[ Beldar Conehead steps out of the bathroom, and lights up an entire pack of cigarettes ]

Beldar Conehead: “Special”?

[ SUPER: “The Coneheads On Earth” ]

Student: Ye-eah.. Oh, I’ve never been with anyone from France before! [ playing with Beldar’s Sensor Ring ] Hey, what do you call these things again?

Beldar Conehead: Sensor Rings.

Student: Sensor Rings! Yeah! Wow! Well, anyway, they made it really beautiful! I mean.. really different! [ Beldar begins to get dressed ] Hey, what’s happening, Beldar? Are you splitting on me, or what?

Beldar Conehead: Prymaat must not discover that a human has administered the Sensor Rings!

Student: Oh.. Prymaat. I bet that’s your old lady, huh?

Beldar Conehead: Correct! She is my spousal unit, chosen by the larthron spheres of Mypzor!

Student: Yeah, yeah, I had a heavy thing happening with my old man, too. Well, I suppose we’ll see each other at our next driving lesson..

Beldar Conehead: Correct!

Student: [ sighs ] Couldn’t you just make up some old story for your old lady? You know, so we could spend the entire night together? I mean, it’s not such a big risk..

Beldar Conehead: [ jumps up, enraged ] NO, foolish one! Prymaat and I are the Timekeepers of Remulak! We must fulfill our mission to seize and establish your miserable little planet as a minor refueling station for the High Master’s star cruiser! Besides.. if she found out, she’d kill me!

Student: Okay, Beldar, that’s cool. At least let me slip you one before you go. [ Beldar agrees, as she puts the Sensor Ring over his cone ]

[ dissolve to the Conehead Family living room, Prymaat staring at the phone as Connie sits next to her ]

Connie Conehead: Mommy? I wish to consume mass quantities immediately. My human friend will be here soon to take me to a drive-in movie.

Prymaat Conehead: Drive-in movie?

Connie Conehead: Drive-in movie. A two-dimensional life projection of psycho-sexual release beams viewed from inside internal combustion vehicles.

Prymaat Conehead: Ahh! I remember when Beldar would take me to view ignaray formations under the azog pools on Remulak.

Connie Conehead: Yes, yes, I know. You’ve showed me your memory crystals. [stands ] I must go upstairs now and prepare my cone for my date. [ retreats upstairs ]

[ Beldar enters the front door ]

Beldar Conehead: Hello, honey. I’m home. [ silence between them ] What’s for mass consumption?

Prymaat Conehead: What’s this? Can’t you even touch cones when we come home now?

Beldar Conehead: Sorry. [ they touch cones ]

Prymaat Conehead: The pre-designated time coordinates for evening mass consumption has long since passed! Please communicate to me the reason for your delay!

Beldar Conehead: A large meteorite fell from the sky. I stopped to examine it. Yes, that’s it! A large meteorite!

Prymaat Conehead: That’s the third meteorite this month! [ notices his back ] Beldar! The Sensor Rings! [ pulls it from behind his back ] You have removed them from our sleep chamber! Unacceptable!

Beldar Conehead: No!

Prymaat Conehead: There are red markings on your cone! Unacceptable! Unacceptable! You have been with a human! Mip! Mip!

Beldar Conehead: Human?! Sensor Rings?! Mip! Mip!

Prymaat Conehead: Silence! Our young one approaches, she must not know!

Connie Conehead: [ re-enters ] Hi, Daddy! [ they touch cones ]

Prymaat Conehead: Let us consume mass quantities of your favorite meal! I have prepared it buffet-style.

[ they circle the dining stand ]

Beldar Conehead: Ah! Insect repellent strips and fiberglass insulation. [ eats ] Pass the fiberglass.

Prymaat Conehead: Mip!

Beldar Conehead: You don’t have to bite my cone off!

[ doorbell rings ]

Connie Conehead: Finally, my human date. I am glad he has arrived. [ opens door ] Hi, Ronnie! You have met my parental units.

Ronnie: Hi, Mr. & Mrs. Conehead! We’ve met before. Come on, I’m Ronnie Getsetter.

Beldar Conehead: Good evening! We invite you to consume mass quantities!

Ronnie: What are you having?

Connie Conehead: Petroleum insect strips, fiberglass insulation, and beer.

Ronnie: [ grossed out ] I just ate before I came over, thanks. But Iwill have some of this beer, uh.. if you don’t mind. [ packs up 4 or 5 of the six-packs ] We’re going to the movies, you know? Finally gonna see “Close Encounters”.

Beldar Conehead: “Close Encounters”?

Ronnie: Yeah. It’s a movie about UFOs.

Coneheads: UFOs! [ they laugh ]

Connie Conehead: Well. Good night, parental units.

Ronnie: Gee, thanks for the brewskis! [ they leave ]

Prymaat Conehead: [ sitting ] Beldar.. I understand physical urges. But, of all creatures, why a human? How could you?

Beldar Conehead: I don’t know, Prymaat. Sometimes my cone has a mind of its own, and I behave like a common flabrab!

Prymaat Conehead: Mip! Mip!

[ phone rings ]

Beldar Conehead: [ answers phone ] Greetings! Prymaat? I will summon her. Prymaat.

Prymaat Conehead: [ takes the phone ] Greetings. [ eyes grow wide ] Jerry!

Beldar Conehead: Jerry?

Prymaat Conehead: I instructed you never to call me here! Mip! Mip!

Beldar Conehead: [ outraged ] Jerry! Mip! You have also been with a human! Mip! Prymaat, we must resist these humans!

Prymaat Conehead: Yes, I agree. We must remember humans are inferior beings, they must not be permitted to interfere with our mission.

Beldar Conehead: Correct! Let us solidify our meetings! Besides, no one gives cone like you!

Prymaat Conehead: [ touching cones ] Beldar, I haven’t heard you talk that way since the Moons of Mipzor. Let’s hone our cones right here on the floor.

Beldar Conehead: I agree!

[ the toss Sensor Rings onto each other cones, as the scene pans out ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up: Is Electricity Just A Hoax?” ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 18th, 1978

Jill Clayburgh

Eddie Money

None

None

Don Novello

Tom Schiller

Rosie Shuster

Alan Zweibel

Anne Beatts

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Al Franken
Garrett Morris sings “Danny Boy”Summary: This time, Garrett Morris writes the jokey scroll that appears on-screen as he sings an Irish ditty.

Montage

Jill Clayburgh’s MonologueSummary: Jill Clayburgh runs short on time while explaining how much more effort she’s going to put into her monologue this time around.

First Hosted: 75o.

Transcript

Royal Deluxe IISummary: The vehicle that rides smooth enough to allow a rabbi to perform a circumcision in the back seat.

Note: Repeat from: 77a.

Olympia CafeSummary: A new waitress (Jill Clayburgh) finds the static menu choices annoying, while a female customer (Jane Curtin) tries to post a benefit sign for two little boys who swallowed a balloon.

Recurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Nico Dionasopolis, Mike Dionasopolis.

Transcript

Sybil IIISummary: Ditzy psychoanalyst (Jill Clayburgh) thinks three women named Sybil (Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman) are actually one woman with three split personalities.

Recurring Characters: Colleen Fernman.

Transcript

Bad One-Man TheaterSummary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) presents the one-man play “An Evening With…”, which actually consists of five actors performing rambling monologues simultaneously.

Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell, Steve Bushakis, Ronnie Bateman.

Eddie Money performs “Baby Hold On”

NutrifixSummary: Mom (Jane Curtin) promotes the breakfast-on-the-go substitute,

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydRecurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Everything’s BlurrySummary: On an airplane, a bespectacled woman (Jill Clayburgh) sits next to a proud man (John Belushi) who refuses to acknowledge his own vision problem.

Transcript

Shower MikeSummary: Richard Herkiman (Bill Murray) interrupts his wife, Jane’s (Gilda Radner), shower to help rekindle the relationship of their neighbors Morty (John Belushi) and Judy Coony (Jill Clayburgh).

Recurring Characters: Richard Herkiman, Jane Herkiman.

Transcript

The Coneheads On EarthSummary: Prymaat (Jane Curtin) is incensed to discover that Beldar (Dan Aykroyd) has been having an affair with one of his driving students (Jill clayburgh).

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead, Ronnie Getsetter.

Transcript

Celebrity Crack-UpSummary: Tony Orlando (Bill Murray), Roberty Blake (John Belushi), Richard Pryor (Garrett Morris), and Claudine Longet (Gilda Radner) relate their tales of cracking up to one another.

Recurring Characters: Robert Blake, Tony Orlando.

Eddie Money performs “Two Tickets to Paradise”

RelationshipsSummary: Jill Clayburgh sings a song about relationships.

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

Tomorrow

Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Andy Strauss…..Art Garfunkel

[ open on “Tomorrow” graphics ]

[ dissolve to Tom Snyder ]

Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody. At the outset of tonight’s program, I just — without bringing anybody to town, of course — I just want to relate a personal tragedy that happened in my life, certainly. When we moved out here to Southern California, I expected, of course, to miss all the snow they’re having back east and to the north. Today, I woke up, found my whole car covered from a mudslide due to the torrential rains we’ve been having here in Southern California. So I guess that just proves it — you can take it from ME: The weather is EVERYWHERE!

[ he stubs his cigarette ]

Tom Snyder: Tonight on our show, we’re gonna be dealing with a subject that’s been a considerable concern to people in both legal and medical professions. It’s been getting a LOT of attention in the press lately. I’m talking, of ocurse, about BATTERED HUSBANDS! And, uh — [ he coughs into his hand ] Excuse me. Tonight, we have with us a battered husband, a gentleman who will be calling “Frank”. Franks has asked us not to reveal his real identity or show his face, because — [ he scoffs ] Well, let’s face it — If I were embarrassed of my wife, I’d be a little embarrassed myself! [ he laughs uproariously ] Frank, why don’t you tell us: How the HECK does a guy get to be a battered husband, anyway?

[ reveal “Frank” submerged in the dark ]

Guest: Well, Tom… my first wife beat me fifteen years ago, after she found me… found me masturbating. She, uh, poured boiling water on me and hit me in the face with a baseball bat. Sh-she’s beaten me ever since, and I live in constant terror.

Tom Snyder: Of your life, Sir?

Guest: Yes… but, also, in terror that my friends and neigbors and colleagues at work will discover the humiliating truth that… I-I am a battered husband. You know, I’ve never been able to speak to anyone about this before, and I’m — I’m here today, anonymously, to help other men who are living in this dark, tortured, private hell. I want to show them that there are others who masturbate and cry alone in the dark, out of shame and fear.

Tom Snyder: Okay, Sir, I’ll buy that, Andy! Uh — I’m sorry. “Frank.” [ he chcukles nervously ] Your name’s not Andy, it’s… It’s not Frank, either! It’s neither Frank nor Andy, but whatever your name is, it’s certainly not ANDY! Alright, uh — Andy. Not Andy. Alright — Mr. Strauss. Uh — Sorry! [ he chuckles nervously ] Your name’s not Andy Strauss! I once knew a guy in local radio, his name was Andy Strauss — the name just popped into my head! [ he adjusts himself in his seat ] Now, uh, could you describe your wife, physically?

Guest: I — I’d rather not give any information that could reveal my identity.

Tom Snyder: Well… would it be safe to say that she weighs less than 120 pounds?

Guest: …Yes.

Tom Snyder: And you, Sir, are an able-bodied man. You look to be about 155, 160 pounds. Six feet tall! My question to you, Sir, is: Why the heck don’t you just get up some morning and KICK the living daylights out of her?!

Guest: Well, I’m afraid that she’ll withhold sex.

Tom Snyder: So she’s the type of gal who would use sex as a weapon?

Guest: Well, that’s right… Sometimes she tells me to “go get sex elsewhere.”

Tom Snyder: Well, Frank — do ya’?

Guest: …No.

Tom Snyder: Well, why not?

Guest: I can’t…

Tom Snyder: Well, sir — You’re not an unattractive man. I mean, he’s got nice delicate-looking features, a nice complexion, a birthmark there under your left eye… You mean to say you can’t get some BIMBO to take a roll in yhe hay with ya’?!

Guest: Well… the problem is, I’m impotent with women other than my wife.

Tom Snyder: Okay, let’s see if we’ve got this straight here: I’m the owner of a Strauss Construction machinery dealership in Bennington, Vermont… I’m sorry — You’re not from Bennington, Vermont, it’s another town entirely… And you’re in the construction machinery business, and, Frank, you’re regularly beaten by your wife. We’ve established that. And husband-beating is a very serious thing. This is serious. We’re not fooling around here. FRank had some pictures, which he showed me, and I took the liberty of having one blown up. [ he holds up a photo ] He’s SO battered here, you’d NEVER recognize him…

Guest: Wait! That’s my face! They’ll see my face! [ he jolts out of the darkness to cover his photo, revealing his face anyway ]

Tom Snyder: They’re seeing your face right now!

[ Frank covers his face ashamedly ]

Tom Snyder: You should have just sat there in the dark! I told you! You’ve blown it now! We might as well call you Andy — What the heck, the cat’s out of the bag! It’s all for the best, I guess. Ladies and gentlemen, in case you don’t know what’s going on here, we’ve been talking to Andy Strauss. He runs a Strauss Construction machinery dealership in Bennington, Vermont, with his brother Paul. He’s afraid if his wife, he cries in the dark, and he’s a battered masturbator! That’s about it, thank you very much. You’re welcome to come back ANY TIME, any time at all.

Guest: [ crying ] You’ve RUINED my life!

Tom Snyder: Well… sure, I guess I’ve ruined your life. Fair enough, I’ll buy that, Andy. [ Andy crawls off the set ] Ladies and gentlemen — Good night! We’ll see you tomorrow on the show! tune in, I’m gonna be talking about my eyebrows — I’m losing my eyebrows, and I want to talk a little bit about that. Thank you, everybody.

[ camera pulls up into audience, zooms in on woman with SUPER: “Overdrawn At Memory Bank” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

Art Garfunkel’s Monologue

…..Art Garfunkel
…..John Belushi

[ Art Garfunkel enters and takes the center stage. He starts to perform”(What a) Wonderful World”, but after the first verse, the speaker goesout. ]

Art Garfunkel: Can we stop? Can we do it again? I’m sorry, the speakerwent bad. It sounded weird, right?

John Belushi: [ enters ] What’s the matter, Art? Did something go wrong?

Art Garfunkel: The feedback.. the speaker threw me a little bit. Letme start again..

John Belushi: Oh, the speaker again, huh? [ kicks speaker down ] Thiswhole place is falling apart, really.

Art Garfunkel: John, it’s all right, really.

John Belushi: No it’s not all right! It’s not all right! The speaker’sbeen broken for quite a while, they used it on “Hullabaloo” a few yearsback. You see, the network still sees us as a late night show, so we don’tget the good equipment.

Art Garfunkel: Uh, John..

John Belushi: You know, it’s a corporate structure, I don’t want totalk about it. You know, I’ve been around here for three years, so I knowthese things. Now, if Paul Williams was doing a special, he’d get the bestsound equipment, he’d get martial amps, you know, they’d do it like.. [ looksat back of stage ] ..pros! Do you know what I mean guys? Pros! You know. Butif a major star, like yourself, goes on Saturday Night Live, the speakerfeeds back. It’s the lowest!

Art Garfunkel: It’s alright, John.

John Belushi: No, it goes all the way down the line, Artie. The speaker’sthe tip of the iceberg. I mean, they’re using us! And it just shouldn’tbe that way. There’s no reason why Garret Morris should have to get upearly so he can drive Jane Pauley to work on Monday. You know, I’ve hadit! The speaker thing, it’s the last straw!

Art Garfunkel: I don’t want to start anything. The sound wasn’t thatbad. I could just take it from the top..

John Belushi: Don’t do it, Artie. Come on, don’t do this. Don’t givein an inch. Come on, let’s assert ourselves. And we’ve both done a prettygood job for this network. And besides, there are other networks. That’sright, and there are other networks. NBC Isn’t God, you think NBC’s God,well they’re not, because God would never put Part 3 of Loose Change onbefore Part 2. Okay, stick with me, Artie, stck with me. Let’s get outof here. Come on..

Art Garfunkel: John, look, it was an honest error, maybe I was off-keya little bit. I don’t want to start any trouble. I’ve been honored to ahost on the show, everyone’s been nice to me all week, let’s not make waves.Just let me do the song from the top.

John Belushi: You’re really something, Garfunkel. you really are. Youknow, I didn’t have to come out here. I didn’t see Gilda or Danny cometo your aid when your song went down the toilet. Oh no, you know, it wasme. I came out here, I didn’t have to. I could have stayed in my dressingroom, by myself, and let you die out here alone. But nooooo! I gottacome out here and help you, and what do you do? You turn on me like a shark!

Art Garfunkel: Come on, John it’s not..

John Belushi: Don’t “Come on John” me! You’re like all the rest.Look what happened to you, Mister big recording star, you sold out! I rememberwhen you used to sing songs, song with meaning, songs with integrity, thelyrics meant something. Like “The Boxer”. A song about street people, loneliness.[ singing ] “La-la-Laa, la-la-laa-la-la-la-la-la-la.” That meantsomething to people, but are you singing that now? Noooooooo! No, you’re alittle successful, so what do you do? You drop Paul Simon like a hotpotato, and now you’re singing some Sam Cooke song.. [ mimics Garfunkel ] “Idon’t care to be an A-student, but I try to be..” I mean I like those lyrics, thoseare great lyrics, really good lyrics. Really good, good lyrics, good song. Go ahead withyour song.. [ sarcastically ] ..Mr. LP. Big man, go ahead. [ starts to leave ]

Art Garfunkel: Okay, from the top..

John Belushi: [ returns back ] Oh, by the way, nice hair, Artie.

[ Belushi leaves again, as Garfunkel resumes “(What a) Wonderful World” ]

Art Garfunkel: We’ll be right back.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

KISS Concert

Steve Parrish…..John Belushi
Jonas…..Garrett Morris
Groupie…..Laraine Newman
Angus Stanley…..Art Garfunkel
Dr. Bob…..Tom Davis
Tatum O’Neill’s Uncle…..Jim Downey
…..Stephen Bishop
Jerry Eldini…..Bill Murray
Jill…..Jane Curtin
Paul Stanley…..Dan Aykroyd
Other Fans…..Nil Nichols, Rosie Shuster

[ open on on the backdoor entrance to a KISS concert ]

Steve Parrish: Listen! Listen to me! Everybody stay behind the barricade! Stay behind the barricade! If you’re NOT on the guest list, don’t come NEAR me! Nobody gets in unless he’s on the GUEST LIST! Is that understood?!

[ Groupie saunters forward and reaches for the door ]

Steve Parrish: Wait a minute! Hold it, hold it! Can I help you?

Groupie: [ she sighs ] Alright, listen, man, you know — uh — I flew all the way from Los Angeles —

Steve Parrish: Mmm-hmm?

Groupie: And… I couldn’t get a ticket, you know? And, like, KISS is my FAVORITE group. I have to get in!

Steve Parrish: I’m sorry, you can’t get in!

Groupie: Oh, look, um… I’m a friend of Peter Cris’s, okay? I mean… he took me home once. Alright? And, listen… I mean, if you let me in, maybe later, we could…?

Steve Parrish: Get out of here, and DON’T come back!

Groupie: Oh, God, man! You know, I didn’t know KISS had such JERKS for roadies!

Steve Parrish: GET LOOOOST!!

[ she storms off, as Angus approaches ]

Angus Stanley: Uh, excuse me? I’m Paul Stanley’s brother. It’s his birthday tonight, I’m in the Air Force and I bailed out over the city to get here.

Steve Parrish: [ rubbing his chin ] Gee… that’s the best one I’ve heard all night. [ Jonas cackles ] What’s your name?

Angus Stanley: Angus Stanley.

Steve Parrish: Is, uh… “Angus Stanley” on the list, Jonas?

Jonas: [ looking ] Uh… no!

Steve Parrish: Alright, you’re not on the list, so, uh… would you mind standing back there? And if your “brother” comes out, he’ll “see” you. Okay, pal?

Angus Stanley: C’mon, man… Can I send a message back to him?

Steve Parrish: NO!!

[ a scraggly-looking man wheels a nitrogen tank toward the door ]

Steve Parrish: Hey! Where are you going?

Dr. Bob: Uh, it’s okay. I’m Dr. Bob. I’m on the list.

Steve Parrish: [ to Joans ] Is “Dr. Bob” on the list?

Jonas: [ looking ] Yeah! With a star next to it!

Steve Parrish: Okay, go on in, Dr. Bob.

[ the crowd goes nuts as he opens the door for Dr. Bob — “Rock and Roll All Nite” can be heard blaring from inside ]

Steve Parrish: HEY, STAY BACK!!

Angus Stanley: [ calling after Dr. Bob ] If you see Paul, will you tell him his brother’s out here?!

Dr. Bob: Paul Stanley?

Angus Stanley: Yeah!

[ Steve slams the door shut, as a man casually walks up to the door ]

Steve Parrish: Excuse me! Who are you?

Tatum O’Neal’s Uncle: I’m Ryan O’Neal’s brother. [ he holds up his KISS pass ]

Steve Parrish: Ohhhhh, you’re, uh… Tatum O’Neal’s uncle? [ the man nods ] Go right in. [ he opens the door ]

Angus Stanley: [ calling after the man ] Can you tell Paul — the lead guitarist — his brother’s out here…?

Steve Parrish: Look, pal —

Jonas: Now, who is Ryan O’Neal…?

[ Stephen Bishop rushes forward ]

Steve Parrish: Excuse me.

Stephen Bishop: Uhhh… I’m Stephen Bishop. Uh, I just got in town, I thought I’d catch a show.

Steve Parrish: Are you on the guest list?

Stephen Bishop: No. no. I — you know — I have a hit song, “On and On”?

Steve Parrish: [ confused ] “On and On”…?

Stephen Bishop: [ singing ] “Down in Jamaica…”

Steve Parrish: [ singing ] “Down in Jamaica…” Yeah? Did you write that song?

Stephen Bishop: Yeah!

Steve Parrish: I hate it! Now, get out of here! Go! Get out![ he pushes Bishop away, as Jerry Aldini saunters forward ]

Jerry Aldini: Excuse me.

Steve Parrish: Yeah?

Jerry Aldini: Hi. Jerry Aldini, with a guest.

Steve Parrish: Jerry Aldini, Jonas?

Jonas: [ looking ] Uhhhhh… no.

Steve Parrish: I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to stand behind the barricades, your name’s not on the list.

Jerry Aldini: Excuse me a second. I’m Jerry Aldini, I’m A&R for Poly-Sutra Records, uh, KISS’s new label.

Steve Parrish: I’m sorry, you are NOT on the list, Sir! I’m doing my JOB, you’re not on the list!

Jill: I can’t believe they’re treating Jerry Aldini this way!

Jerry Aldini: Alright, hold on. Uh — Is Lou Adler or Herb Asoff inside? I play tennis with both of them.

Steve Parrish: Now, MOVE! Get behind the barrier! Come on, pal!

Jill: He really IS Jerry Aldini!

Steve Parrish: I don’t care!

Jerry Aldini: Buddy, what’s your name, huh?

Steve Parrish: Steve Parrish.

Jerry Aldini: Alright. Well, if Lou Adler or Herb Asoff comes out and says: “Is Jerry Aldini here?” You say, “Yes, he was… but I, Steve “I’ll Never Work in This Business Again” Parrish, sent him away.” Okay? Jill, let’s get out of this firetrap! [ he smacks Steve with a scarf and leaves ]

Steve Parrish: Just kiss my…

[ suddenly, the door starts to open ]

Jonas: Hey, what’s going…?

[ Paul Stanley steps outside, as the crowd goes wild ]

Paul Stanley: [ spotting Angus ] Hey, man!! You made it, man!! You made it!! WOW!! You actually PARACHUTED!! Far out!! Come on in!

[ Paul Stanley sticks his tongue out for the crowd, then returns inside with Angus ]

Steve Parrish: Alright, alright… It’s all over, relax! Take it easy! [ to Jonas ] I guess everything’s under control here. Listen, I’m gonna go backstage and get a beer.

Jonas: Wait a minute. Uh, what’s your name again?

Steve Parrish: What do you mean, “What’s my name again?”

Jonas: What’s your name again?

Steve Parrish: My name’s Steve Parrish. I’m the Road Manager.

Jonas: [ looking ] Uh… sorry, “Steve Parrish” is not on the list!

Steve Parrish: [ outraged ] Not on the list?! What do you mean it’s not on the list?!

[ Steve pushes Jonas aside and rushes through the door, letting some crazed fans slip in with him ]

[ pan up to reveal audience in bleachers, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Anorexia Cookbook” [

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

Andy Kaufman

… Art Garfunkel
British Man … Andy Kaufman
… Lorne Michaels

[British Man — wearing a yellow shirt, black tie andtails — paces behind host Art Garfunkel who addressesthe camera.]

Art Garfunkel: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. AndyKaufman.

[Garfunkel gestures to Kaufman, leads the applause anddeparts. Kaufman, in character as British Man,acknowledges the applause, then bends over a portablephonograph and drops the needle on a record of noisymarching band music. After it plays for a few seconds,he lifts the needle and drops it at the beginningagain. It plays for a few more seconds as British Manbriefly moves his fists in rhythm with the beat beforehe lifts the needle again, shuts off the phonographand steps forward to greet the audience.]

British Man: [with cultured British accent,briskly] All right, thank you very much. It’swonderful to be here and look out and see everyone’ssmiling faces. Everyone is feeling good? [cheers andapplause] Thank you very much. Thank you very much.Well, well, you know, um, now that we’ve gotten moreintimate with each other and feel more comfortable,I’d like to proceed with what I’m about to do. Theytold me that since there was only about twenty ortwenty-five minutes left in the show tonight thatsince I’ve been on several times before, they – theytrust me. The producers and the people who run theshow – they said they trust me very much and that theywould let me do anything I want. And I could have therest of the time, if – if it takes that long.

So, uh, I was wondering what – what to do. What couldI do in this – to fill up this twenty, twenty-fiveminutes? And– Could I sing a song, do a dance? Then Ithought, well, you know, before, I’ve been on theshow, I’ve done characters, you know, like the littleforeign man, foreign immigrant who goes [high-pitched,heavily accented voice of Foreign Man] “Thenk you verymuch. I’m very happy to be here.” [British accentagain] You know? And then I’ve done this Americancharacter, goes [American accent] “Hi, I’m Andy andhello, [waves] how are you? [sings] Oh, the cow goesmoo!” [British accent again] You know. And, uh… Ithought instead of doing that, why don’t I just comeout and be straight with you and just be myself? So,so that’s what–

So, anyway, then I thought, well, what should I do?What should I do? I was at a loss for what to do tofill up the time. So I saw this book. It was lying–Just a little while ago, I saw it lying around and itreminded me of when I was in school and thisliterature teacher gave me this book, told me to readit, said it was the greatest American novel everwritten. And, uh, I take issue with that. I don’tbelieve that it is. But I’d– What I’d like to do is,tonight, is I’d like to read it to you. And thenperhaps we could– you could point out some subtletiesI might have missed, in case, you know, if-if we havetime to follow for discussion.

[picks up the book and looks at it] So, anyway, it’scalled – it’s called The, uh, Great Gatsby — it’s byF. Scott Fitzgerald. And, uh, here it is. [opens book,begins to read aloud in a starchy near-monotone,making no eye contact with the audience] Chapter one.[clears his throat] “In my younger and more vulnerableyears, my father gave me some advice that I’ve beenturning over in my mind ever since. ‘Whenever you feellike criticizing anyone,’ he told me, ‘just rememberthat all the people in this world haven’t had theadvantages that you’ve had.’ He didn’t say any morebut we’ve always been unusually communicative in areserved way [coughing, restlessness, and nervouslaughter from the audience which increases as thereading proceeds] and I understood that he meant agreat deal more than that. In consequence I’m inclinedto reserve all judgements, a habit that has opened upmany curious natures to me and also made me the victimof not a few veteran bores. The abnormal mind is quickto detect and attach itself to this quality when itappears in a normal person, and so it came about thatin college I was unjustly accused of being apolitician, because I was privy to the secret griefsof wild, unknown men. Most of the confidences wereunsought, frequently I have feigned sleep,preoccupation or a hostile levity when I realized bysome unmistakable sign that an intimate revelation wasquivering on the horizon for the intimate revelationsof young men or at least the terms in which theyexpress them are usually plagiaristic and marred byobvious suppressions.

[by now, the audience is booing loudly, heckling,etc.] Reserving judgments is a matter of infinitehope. I am still a little afraid of missing somethingif I forget that, as my father snobbishly suggested[suddenly makes eye contact with the audience andsmiles as he says, snobbishly:] and I snobbishlyrepeat, [the audience cracks up at this but hecontinues without missing a beat] a sense of thefundamental decencies is parceled out unequally atbirth. [licks his index finger and uses it to turn topage two] And, after boasting this way of mytolerance, I come to the admission that it has alimit. Conduct may be founded on the hard rock or thewet marshes, but after a certain point I don’t carewhat it’s founded on. When I came back from the Eastlast autumn I felt that — [audience heckles and growsunruly again] I felt that I wanted the world to be …in uniform and at a sort of moral attention for–“

[audience has grown very surly – British Man stopsreading, annoyed] All right, now, look! Let’s – let’skeep it down, please, because, you know, we have along way to go. [holds up the book and flips the pages- audience laughs – heckler in the balcony yellssomething – British Man looks up at him – calmly] Now,look, we’re pressed for time, if you don’t mind, allright?

[resumes reading] “When I came back from the East lastautumn [audience groans, whistles, murmursimpatiently] I felt that I wanted the world to be inuniform and at a sort of moral attention forever. Iwanted no more riotous excursions with privilegedglimpses into the human heart. [grandly, pointing afinger in the air] Only Gatsby, the man who gives hisname to this book, Gatsby, who represented– who–[loses his place, finds it again] Only Gatsby wasexempt from my reaction. Gats–” [audience boos loudly- British Man breaks off reading, holds up a hand inprotest]

All right, now, look. All right, now, look. Now, waita minute. All right, now, wait a minute, now, hold on!If I hear any more– I want it quiet! If I hear onemore sound, I’m going to close this book and forgetabout the whole thing! [thunderous cheers and applause- British Man looks surprised at their reaction, thendecides that it’s a show of support] All right, thankyou very much. Thank you. All right. Thank you. [opensbook again – heckler shouts something] All right,that’s it — you’ve made your bed, now lie in it! I’mgoing! That’s it! Good night! I’m closing it –forgetting about the whole thing!

[applause as British Man walks past the phonograph asif to exit – suddenly, he stops, turns, and comesback] I – No, I’m only fooling! I wouldn’t do that toyou! [opens the book, audience shrieks with laughter]I wouldn’t — I wouldn’t do that to you! No, no.[resumes reading, grandly, pointing a finger in theair] “Only Gatsby, the man who gives his name to thisbook, was exempt from my reaction. Gatsby, whorepresented everything for which I have an unaffectedscorn. If personality is an unbroken series ofsuccessful gestures, then there was something gorgeousabout him, some–”

[audience grows unruly again – British Man breaks offreading] You know, you know, let me tell yousomething. I think what we need– I think what– Ithink what we need nowadays is – is more discipline.You know, when I was – when I was your age, I used tohave to walk about seven miles to school. Spare therod and spoil the child is what I say. Good huffaround a woodshed would – would do some of you verygood. All right? [opens book, finds his place] Now, ifyou don’t mind, I’m going to continue reading.[audience groans – he reads] “If personality is an -is an–” [audience gets upset] I won’t then![applause] All right, what do you want me to do?[scattered applause, heckling] All right, good, good.[resumes reading] “Only Gatsby, the man– Ifpersonality is an unbroken series of successfulgestures, then there was something gorgeous about him,some height–”

[producer Lorne Michaels enters, whispers in BritishMan’s ear and quickly exits – British Man is outraged]What? What? All right, that is it! I have beenasked to leave, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers andapplause] I have been asked – I have been asked toleave. I have been asked to leave — and I resent it!I was told I could take all the time I want and nowthey ask me to leave. Well, all right, I was going toread you the book and then I was going to play you themusic record. But that’s it! You don’t want it, thenfine — I won’t even do that! No! You don’t want therecord either, do you? [various audience members tryto talk to him] Fine. All right. How many people – Howmany people want the record? How many people want therecord? [cheers and applause] All right. You really–?Do you REALLY want the record? [louder cheers andapplause] Do you really want the record? Or would yourather that I leave? All right. I’ll do the record.But – but – but, first, first the book. [audiencereacts negatively to this] All right, all right, allright. You want the record? [audience reactspositively to this] You want the record? All right,then we’ll have the record. Then, we’ll have– No, allright. Enough is enough. All right.

[British Man goes to the phonograph, drops the needleon the record, then returns to face the audience,moving his fists rhythmically and expectantly as aloud hiss and a prolonged series of skips issue fromthe machine – suddenly, instead of the marching bandmusic heard earlier, we hear:]

British Man’s Voice: [starchy near-monotonefrom the phonograph] “Only Gatsby, the man who giveshis name to this book, was exempt from my reaction.Gatsby, who represented everything for which I have anunaffected scorn. …”

[Laughter and applause. British Man gloats. Pull backand fade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

Goodnights

…..Art Garfunkel
…..John Belushi

Art Garfunkel: That’s all the time we have, so… thank you, good night!

SNL Transcripts