Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 16

75p: Anthony Perkins / Betty Carter

A Word From Chevy

…..Chevy Chase

[ open on Chevy Chase seated at desk, wearing sunglasses, pile of letters, a pitcher of water and a glass on the desk ]

Chevy Chase: Hi. I’m Chevy Chase, from the, uh, “Saturday Night” show.

You know, uh, we get a lot of letters. I’m kind of stepping out of character here.. [ takes off sunglasses and throws them aside ] ..just to talk to you for a second. Uh, most of them are very favorable, uh, towards the show, and, uh, people seem to enjoy what we’re doing, and, uh, the great majority of them are, and some of them are not so favorable, but, uh, recently, we’ve been getting, uh, a batch of letters that have been kind of complaining. Uh, they complain because we’re a ninety-minute live show every week and we have to turn out the comedy and fill up every show, that sometimes we just gratuitously fill up time.. pad things.. uh.. wing things, you know? That we’re not tight. And I frankly, I, uh.. take exception to this and I’m offended by it. This show is tight, and, I mean, I’m not the only one, I’m sure that the writers feel the way I do. Every word is in its place.. every word is.. is.. is.. is.. uh, uh, what is it? .. rehearsed. Uh, the idea that we draw things out, that we.. milk things, that we’re trying to fill in time.. we.. we’re never gonna do that on this show. And I mean the writers.. I don’t want to mention them, but.. well.. Anne Beatts.. and Michael O’Donaghue and Tom Schiller and.. Marilyn Miller and Alan Zwiebel, Franken and Davis, and Herb Sargent, and Rosie Michaels.. you know.. I mean.. even Lorne.. the point is, this, this kind of thing offends us.. you don’t seem to realize how much goes into putting a show like this together. And one does have to be tight, and one does have to be concise.. [ takes cigar ] I’ll be right back. [ lights cigar ] You know, all I’m trying to say is, you know, unless you’re doing it yourself, well, it’s unnecessary to write that kind of a letter.

We – you know, I’m responsible for this particular piece. You may have noticed the, uh, uh, no.. no.. I don’t mean this, but I mean for the openings of the show. My cold openings are ochesive, they’re brief, they’re to the point. It’s always tight, and, uh, we never wing it. That would be cheap. It would be cheap to just suddenly, uh, uh, uh, uh.. extemporaniu-u-isize.. [ pours water into glass ] ..so, uh, I just wanted to say that, and we’re going to get to the opening now and I’m going to do the fall and announce the show now, but I just sort of wanted to get that off my chest, and I guess everybody else’s chest.. [ drinks water ] ..but.. so.. let’s get down to the – [ stands up, then sits back down ] – I’ll tell you this.. there are many ways to go with a show. You can either go loose or you can go tight. This is a live show. Everything has to be timed perfectly. I’m so unnerved by these.. look at this. [ lifts up letters, then leans back in his chair ] I remember a time.. this was back a ways. I was, uh, writing for a show called.. [ tips chair backward, pulling desk on top of him. Gets up, takes cigar out of mouth, looks up into camera and says.. ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 16

75p: Anthony Perkins / Betty Carter

Norman Bates School of Motel Management

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Norman Bates…..Anthony Perkins

[ open in an eerie, old motel room ]

Norman Bates: [ to camera ] Are you tired of slaving away in adull, dead-end job? Fed up with meager paychecks that never stretch quite far enough? Sickened and disgusted by missing out on the good things of life? Hi, I’m Norman Bates for The Norman Bates School of Motel Management, here to explain how you can be your own boss while earning money in this rapidly-expanding field. Best of all, you learn at home, right in the privacy of your own shower. I’ll show you how to run anything from a tourist home to.. [ camera pans to scary-looking duck trophy on the wall, then back to Norman ] ..a multi-unit motor inn. You’ll recieve step-by-step instructions.. [ camera pans to scary-looking owl trophy on the wall, then back to Norman ] ..on how to make reservations and how to determine room rates, how to change the linen, and even little-known tricks of the trade, such as improving customer relations by giving guests a complimentary newspaper in the morning. [ holds up newspaper that reads “Los Angeles Times: SLASHER STRIKES AGAIN!” ]

Yes, a diploma in motel management can be your passport to prosperity,independence, and security, but are you motel material? Let’s find outwith a simple quiz.

Question 1: A guest loses the key to her room. Would you
A) Give her a duplicate key
B) Let her in with your passkey
C) Hack her to death with a kitchen knife

Question 2: Which of the following is the most important in running asuccessful motel?
A) Cordial atmosphere
B) Courteous service
C) Hack ker to death with a kitchen knife

Question 3: How many.. [ holds newspaper over his mouth, and speaks in an old lady’s voice ] Important phone call, Norman. [ puts down newspaper, resumes regular voice ] What, Mother? [ puts newspaper over his mouth again ] Important phone call! [ puts newpaper down, and resumes normal voice ] Well, I’ve got to go, I have an important phone call! Just one of dozens I get every week as a fully-qualified motel manager. And if you would like to beome one, too, simply send your name and address to “The Norman Bates School of Motel Management, Old Highway, Fairvale, California..”

[ suddenly becomes nervous and shaky ]

There’s no obligation whatsoever.. and-and-and no salesman will call.. so-so y-y-y-y-you don’t have to b-b-bo-bother to lock your door, you know-you can-you can leave it off the latch. Or lock it! That’s fine, I don’t care! I don’t care if you lock it, ’cause I have the keys! [ jiggles the keys nervously ] I have the keys right here! I have the key to Room 1, the key to Room 2, the key to Room 3.. [ hits bell, holds newspaper to mouth, and speaks in old lady’s voice again ] Norman! [ resumes normal voice ] Coming, Mother. [ throws newspaper down and runs out door ]

[ fade to black ]

Submitted by: Tony Dumont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 13th, 1976

Anthony Perkins

Betty Carter

The Muppets

None

Alan Zweibel

Tom Davis

Neil Levy

Rosie Shuster

Al Franken

Tom Schiller



Season 1: Order Now! A Word From ChevySummary: Chevy Chase rambles on as he denies charges that SNL pads material to fill for time.

Transcript

Montage

Anthony Perkins’ MonologueSummary: While trying to prove to the audience that he’s not creepy in real life, Anthony Perkins ends up eating a fly.

A President’s View on Marijuana IRecurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Hello, Dolly Therapy

Dominatrix CleaningSummary: A dominatrix (Jane Curtin) tries to reform sloppy housewife (Gilda Radner).

Norman Bates School of Hotel ManagementSummary: Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) argues with his unseen mother while quizzing viewers on how to become a hotel manager.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: Scred and Ploobis ask Anthony Perkins to help get them back on “Saturday Night Live.”

Betty Carter performs “Music, Maestro, Please” & “Swing Brother Swing”

A President’s View on Marijuana IIRecurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: John Belushi ponders comparisons between lion and lamb during his weather rant. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) speaks out against preserving natural “race horses.”

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Land Scarcity

Affair With Co-Worker

A President’s View on Marijuana IIIRecurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Gary Weis Film

Sherry’s BeeSummary: Sherry (Laraine Newman) tells her teacher (Anthony Perkins) that she thinks she deserves better than a Bee (John Belushi) for her grade.

Recurring Characters: Sherry, Bee.

Post-Psycho Low-Budget Horror Movie Trailers

“P-Nut Fever”Summary: A film by Phil Van De Carr.

Betty Carter performs “I Can’t Help It”

Butt County Dance PartySummary: Sheriff Rick Phillips (Anthony Perkins) moderates a dance party for county teenagers and runs their names through the central computer to check for warrants.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

White Guilt Relief Fund

… Garrett Morris
Announcer … Don Pardo

[In front of a brick wall, Garrett Morris, wearingsuit and tie, his head cocked to one side as if hewere missing a bone from his neck, addresses thecamera.]

Garrett Morris: Hi. I’m Garrett Morris, talkin’ to allyou white Americans about the way black people havebeen treated in America. Now, I know a lot of you feelguilty — and you should. My great-great-grandmotherwas brought over here on a slave ship and was raped byher white master. And my grandfather was lynched by amob for not tippin’ his hat to a white lady. Now,they’re dead now and there’s nothing you can do toerase their suffering. However, if you would like torelieve your guilt, I am willing to accept money as arepresentative victim of four hundred years ofrepression. Send your check or money order to WhiteGuilt Relief Fund, care of Garrett Morris, 870 West127th Street, New York, New York 10089 [Superimposedtext reads: WHITE GUILT RELIEF FUND c/o GarrettMorris, 870 West 127th Street, New York, New York10089] — and if you send in before July 4th, 1976,[holds up a parchment scroll and an orange card] Iwill send you this beautiful scroll and I.D. cardcertifying you as an honorary Negro in the eyes ofseveral black Americans! Once again, that address![Smiling, Garrett pauses as Don Pardo takes over.]

Announcer: White Guilt Relief Fund, in care of GarrettMorris, 870 West 127th Street, New York, New York10089. Send cash or money. I know I have. I felt justterrible until I did.

Garrett Morris: Thank you!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase.”

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Yeah. No, no, no — First, you fill your mouth with hot water, and then you uase the ice cubes, and then you alternate — [ he looks up and sees the camera ] I-I gotta go. [ he hangs up ]

Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase and… you can’t!

Our top story tonight: President Ford squeaked by Ronald Reagan in the New Hampshire primary this week. For a live report, let’s go now to Laraine Newman in New Hampshire.

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing in a snow-covered field ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy, the primary was officially over on Tuesday, and the candidates have all left. Also, officials say that the New Hampshire voters have packed and moved to Massachusetts to vote in that primary next Tuesday. Laraine Newman, reporting.

[ return to Chevy at the desk ]

Chevy Chase: [ he shakes his head ] After his plurality victory in New Hampshire this week, former jovernor — governor George — Georgia governor Jimmy Carter! Former George — [ the audience laughs and claps ] Former Georgia governor Jimmy Carter was asked when he would start getting more specific on the issues. Carter said, “Perhaps sometime in the near future.”

Democratic presidential hopeful Birch Bayh finished a weak third in the New Hampshire primary. He is pictured here at a recent rally, handing out chunks of snow.

President Nixon was formally pardoned for all Watergate crimes today by the Peoples Republic of China. Honoring the ailing former leader, the Chinese have named a new dish after Mr. Nixon, called, of course, Sweet and Sour Dick. [ the audience cheers ] Mr. Nixon responded after dinner, by replying: “I am greatly moved. You know, Mr. Premier, at any moment I could go into the other room, press a button, and 20 minutes later 60 million people would be dead.” He was led away in tears, shown the Great Wall, and put on a slow barge up the Chinese River without a paddle.

Following leaks to the press over recent CIA activity, newsman Daniel Schorr was suspended by CBS and forced to have his lips epoxied together.

After a lengthy and tiring conference in Geneva, members from some 35 nations including England, France, Germany, the United States, Russia and Red China.

The trial of Patricia Hearst continues in San Francisco. For a direct report, let’s go now to correspondent Harland Collins.

[ cut to a close-up of an artist’s pad as he skeches crude photos from the trial ]

[ SUPER: “ARTIST’S RENDERING” ]

Voiceover: Patricia Hearst was never a member of the Symbionese Liberation Army. Once she raised her fist to the guerillas soon after her capture, it was a “classic case of compliance and profound confusion.” Dr. Robert J. Lipton testified to the defense today. Clifton, one of the country’s leading experts on persusasive coercion and thought control — brainwashing — said that Ms. Hearst cannot, at 19, not yet formed as an adult, vulnerable to every kind of fear, was more susceptible to coercion than anyone out of hundreds of persons being studied in the last 26 years.

[ return to Chevy at the desk, pinching his nose as he speaks ]

Chevy Chase: This is Harland Collins, reporting.

[ Chevy releases his nose and looks curiously at the audience ]

This just in from Spain: A medical team have announced that Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still valiantly holding on in his fight to remain dead.

The Ideal Toy Company has recently introduced a new doll named “Joey”. Named after the grandson of TV’s Archie Bunker, it is the first anatomically correct baby doll — that is, it has a male sex organ. While the toy company will only market White dolls, Mattel Toys has both a White and Black version of the doll. Both are reported to be anatomically accurate, and the dolls will be priced accordingly — the White doll sells for $6; the Black doll for $26.85.

After a record five years, four months, and twenty-seven days in space, four American astronauts were picked up in the Indian Ocean by a Spanish fishing troller, after having floated in their capsule for another record forty-one days. NASA officials apologized publicly, saying they had forgotten about the men more than two years ago, and asked for their names.

Well, a gigantic concord with a 125-foot wingspan, said to be the largest ever spotted by ornothologists, flew over the nation’s capitol yesterday and left a dropping on the Washington Monument. FAA officials will study the sample in an effort to decide whether the flight of these birds might effect the ozone layer or cause noise and/or environmental pollution.

Now living in a home for retired sailors near Marblehead, Massachusetts, Popeye celebrated his 93rd birthday yesterday. According to his doctor, it now takes the one-time cartoon figure three cans of spinach just to cut the cheese.

Still to come: Gerald Ford takes a flying lesson, after this message.

[ dissolve to H&L Brock ad parody ]

[ dissolve back to Chevy at the desk ]

Chevy Chase: Mikados, Greece: In going through the personal papers of the late Aristotle Onassis, an attorney has discovered a second will and testement, postdating the original. In this new will, Onassis inexplicably left his entire $3 billion fortune and shipping empire to singer Roy Clark.

Right now, here to reply to a Weekend Update editorial is Miss Emily Litella. Emily?

Emily Litella: What is all this fuss I hear about the Supreme Court’s decision on a DEAF penalty?! It’s terrible!! Deaf people have enough problems as it is! I know I myself occasionally have difficulty with my hearing — but that doesn’t mean I want to be punished for it! And what do they do to them, anyway? Shout nasty things at them behind their back? You mark my words: If we start punishing deaf people, they’ll get back at us! They’ll close their eyes when we talk to them and they won’t be able to see a thing we’re saying!! I say, instead of making deafness a penalty, we ought to start doing NICE things for them. Like talking louder. [ shouting ] YOU HEAR ME?!! CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME OUT THERE?!!

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry, Miss Litella. That’s death penalty. Death penalty.

Emily Litella: [ confused ] What?

Chevy Chase: The editorial was about the Supreme Court’s decision on the death penalty — not deaf penalty. Death penalty.

Emily Litella: Oh. Well, that’s very different.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ she smiles ] Never mind!

Chevy Chase: More in on that late story: After a lengthy and tiring conference in Geneva, members from some 35 nations including England, France, Germany, the United States, Russia and Red China.

Well, Barry Goldwater was executed by a bicentennial firing squad today, in Bosco, Arizona. It was reported that his last words were: “By the time I get to Phoenix, I’ll be rising.”

Chevy Chase: And that’s the news tonight. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

The Restaurant

Woman…..Jill Clayburgh
Man…..Chevy Chase

[ open on a couple sitting at a table in a dark restaurant, illuminated only by the candle on their table. The man appears to be deep in thought, with his hand resting upon his chin, as his date stares at him lovingly ]

Woman: What are you thinking about?

Man: [ looking up ] Hmm? Nothing.

Woman: Ohh.. When you sit there with that look on your face, you must be thinking about something.

Man: Well.. if I am, I guess I’m thinking about a million things at once.

Woman: Like what?

Man: Well.. like the music, what I ordered for dinner, what we did tonight.. what I’m gonna do tomorrow.

Woman: Don’t you ever think about me?

Man: Of course, I do. I’m thinking about you right now.

Woman: What are you thinking about me?

Man: Well, uh.. I was thinking: “I wonder what she’s thinking about?”

Woman: Nothing else?

Man: Well, I was thinking.. how much I love you.

Woman: How much do you love me?

Man: I love you a lot.

Woman: How much do you love me?

Man: I love you a real lot.

Woman: Ohh. Well, why do you love me?

Man: Why do I love you?

Woman: Yes. Why do you love me?

Man: Well.. because you’re a wonderful person. And, uh —

Woman: Well, what makes me so wonderful that you love me so much?

Man: Well, you’re inquisitive. Always wondering, asking questions. You have a funny way of brushing your hair in the morning.

Woman: Oh.

Man: You like Grape-Nuts. The way you can’t stand wrinkles in the rug.

Woman: Oh, that’s sweet!

Man: You think so?

Woman: [ cheerily ] Yes!

Man: What are you thinking about?

Woman: Oh.. warthogs.

[ cut immediately to her thoughts – warthogs trotting around a dirt field over a soundtrack of wild calliope music ]

[ dissolve to pan to audience member, with SUPER: “John Beresford Tifton” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

The Muppets

…..Jill Clayburgh
…..Chevy Chase

Jill Clayburgh: Uh, the Muppets couldn’t be here tonight – they’re at the Grammys, in California. But they’ll be back, March 13th! And, in the meantime, uh, one of the cast members has volunteered to go on in their place, and perform a little play called “Paying The Milkman.”

[ dissolve to the Land of Gorch set, slow pan upward to reveal two bare hands (one arm in a pink sleeve, the other wearing just a watch) poised like Muppets ]

Wife Hand: Well. goodbye, honey.

Husband Hand: Goodbye, dear. Have a good time in Rochester.

[ they kiss, and the Husband Hand exits stage left ]

[ the Wife Hand whistles, as a knock is heard offscreen to the left ]

Wife Hand: Who is it?

Milkman Hand: It’s the milkman!

Wife Hand: Umm.. uh.. I can’t open the door in my underwear.

Milkman Hand: You have a door in your underwear? Let me in, I’ll get in open!

Wife Hand: Well, um.. okay, hold on.

[ Wife Hand moves offscreen to open the door, then re-enters scene ]

Wife Hand: Um.. I, uh..

[ Milkman Hand enters carrying a glass of milk ]

Milkman Hand: Uh.. now, Mrs. Left – just a minute, please, I’ll just put this down here. [ puts the glass of milk down ] I, uh.. I noticed, uh.. you had quite a.. quite a milk bill run up here. Quite a milk bill, indeed.

Wife Hand: Oh. You know, I have no money, and my husband is away on a business trip. How ever will I pay you?

[ Milkman Hand looks around the set inquisitively ]

Milkman Hand: Well, uh.. let’s see. [ bends over in a funny way to gaze at the time on the watch ] I don’t have to be anywhere for ten minutes. Maybe we could just, uh.. kinda get comfortable?

Wife Hand: Now you’re talkin’, fun buns! Let me just slip this off, here.. [ bends down to remove the watch on the Milkman Hand’s wrist, as the Milkman Hand looks around nervously ]

Milkman Hand: Say, uh.. when do you think your husband will be back?

Wife Hand: [ drops below the set ] August.

[ cut to Chevy Chase standing with arms outstretched behind the Land of Gorch set. He lowers his arms and looks nervously toward the camera. ]

Chevy Chase: Uh, and now this week’s film, by a very good friend of mine, uh.. Gary Weis.

[ fade to Gary Weis film ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

The Mr. Bill Show

…..Dan Aykroyd

Dan Aykroyd: [ standing stiffly ] Hi, my name’s Danny. What’s yours? Uh…about home movies. You send them in and we play em. No pay, just play. Uh, the home movie this week is by Walter Williams.

(some applause is heard. fade out)

(cut to the home movie of a curtain titled, the Mr. Bill show.)

Mr. Hands: It’s the Mr. Bill Holiday Special! And wait, I hear Mr. Bill coming right now. (curtain slowlyrises to reveal Mr. Bill, a short clay man.) Look, there he is! Hi, Mr. Bill, how are you?

Mr. Bill: Oh ho ho, kiddies! I’m doing okay. It’s so good to see all your bright faces out in front of the TV set. Oh, we’re going to have a great time today. All my friends are here and we’re going to do those fun things. You know, those things that we always do. I’d like to meet my friend. He always helps me out a lot. His name is Mr. Hands! Say hello Mr. Hands!

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, how are you today? (starts molding a small yellow ball of clay) Good to see you.

Mr. Bill: Oh, I’m fine. How are you?

Mr. Hands: Oh, I’m just great Mr. Bill. Say, somebody’s coming to see you!

Mr. Bill: Uh, who could be coming to see me? Who?

Mr. Hands: Well it’s your dog.

Mr. Bill: Awwww.

Mr. Hands: (sings) Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog.

Mr. Bill: Spot!

Mr. Hands: (sings) Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog.

Mr. Bill: Awww.

Mr. Hands: (sings) He can run and jump and play. (reveals Spot) “I am Mr. Bill’s dog.”

Mr. Bill: Oh, Spot! It’s so good to see you. Oh, are you being a good dog.

Spot: Oh yes, Mr. Bill! How are you?

Mr. Bill: Oh fine. Have you been doing all those things you’re supposed to do?

Spot: Yes and I don’t even come along any more.

Mr. Bill: Oh goodie, let me pet you. (Mr. Hands moves Spot closer to Mr. Bill)

Spot: Ok.

Mr. Bill: Oh it’s so good to see you.

Spot: Don’t go away Mr. Bill.

Mr. Bill: But I like playing with Spot. Oh wait!

Mr. Hands: (picking up Spot) Mr. Spot has to go now. (Crumples up Spot.)

Mr. Bill: No wait! No, noooooooooooooooooo!

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, how would you like some company from one of your best friends? (starts molding a blue ball of clay)

Mr. Bill: Oh who is that?

Mr. Hands: Take a guess, look.

Mr. Bill: I don’t know, I don’t recognize him. Who?

Mr. Hands: Well, it’s one of your best friends. It’s…

Mr. Bill: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: …Mr Sluggo! (Sluggo appears with a knife in his hands.)

Mr. Bill: I, I don’t even like him. He hurts me all the time.

Mr. Hands: No, he just wants to come over and shake hands with you Mr. Bill (Moves Sluggo closer to Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No wait, what’s he got in his hands? What is that? No, (Sluggo knifes Mr. Bill in the stomach) Ohhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh, Mr. Bill. It must’ve slipped. He didn’t mean that.

Mr. Bill: It hurts!

Mr. Hands: (Another Sluggo appears) I have the doctor take a look at it.

Mr. Bill: Oh, I don’t think he’s a doctor. Who is that?

Mr. Hands: That’s Doctor Sluggo!

Mr. Bill: No, he isn’t a doctor! My leg’s fine!

Mr. Hands: Sure he is! Let him take a look at it.

Mr. Bill: No, it’s okay! No really.

Mr. Hands: Oh he says it has to be amputated Mr. Bill. (Gives a saw to Sluggo)

Mr. Bill: No wait! It feels right.

Mr. Hands: Always listen to the doctor.

Mr. Bill: Oh wait it’s okay (Sluggo starts sawing Mr. Bill’s left leg.) Ohhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill, how does that feel?

Mr. Bill: I don’t think I can walk anymore.

Mr. Hands: Here come on try standing up Mr. Bill.

Mr. Bill: No I don’t think I can. (Mr. Hands sets Mr. Bill up and Mr. Bill falls forward) Oh my face ohhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill. Mr. Bill’s going on a deep sea adventure now. (Places Mr. Bill in a pot of water.) Want to come out Mr. Bill? (takes Mr. Bill out and Mr. Bill is choking.) (With a toothbrush) You better brush your teeth, Mr. Bill.

Mr. Bill: Oh no! I don’t do that too well.

Mr. Hands: Come on, let’s brush your teeth real well. (Starts brushing and takes off, Mr. Bill’s left eye,nose and mouth) Clean your breath too. Doesn’t that feel Mr. Bill. Mr. Bill’s going on a sky diving adventure. (Mr. Bill is squeaking now.) It’s okay, I made you a parachute. (places a small red parachute on Mr. Bill’s back) Ready, one, two, three. (raises Mr. Bill high and drops him breaking him apart.)

(Cut to a person wearing a shirt that says “The Mr. Bill Show” and on the back of his jacket.)

(An address card appears)

Don Pardo: If you have a Super 8 or a 16 millimeter home movie, send it to “Home Movies, NBC’s Saturday Night, Box 904, Radio City Station, New York, N.Y. 10019.” And include your name and correct address. There will be no modeteary compensation at all.

(Zoom in on three old people in the audience. SUPER: “Adjust your set if it will make you happy”)

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Jill Clayburgh’s Monologue

… Don Pardo
… Jill Clayburgh

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Jill Clayburgh!

Jill Clayburgh: Hi. Thank you! Thank you! Well, I’mreally happy to be tonight’s host. You know, I didn’tknow how to prepare for it. I mean, it’s livetelevision and most of the people connected with theshow are, uh, well, they’re my age and they don’t knowmuch more than I do about it. So I did, uh, well, itseemed to be the most sensible thing. I went right tothe one person who’s connected with the show who has,well, he has more experience in live television thananybody. He’s a wonderful gentlemen and his name isDon Pardo. [Applause.] And, uh … uh, you know, hewas the announcer on “Jeopardy!” and lots of otherprograms like that and I – I asked him to help me andoh, well, he couldn’t do enough. And the thing abouthim is that he’s not what you’d expect a game showannouncer to be. I mean, he has a really culturedbackground and, well, I had quite an evening with him.First, Don picked me up in his car.

Don Pardo: Not just any car, Jill! [dissolve to imageof an antique luxury car] That was a 1936 model [?]Coupe de Ville! Just one of the many antiqueautomobiles from the Don Pardo Classic Car Collection,silver-trimmed for comfort, taste and a smooth andeasy ride. Chicago six-oh-six-oh-eight! Jill? [cutback to Jill]

Jill Clayburgh: Yeah. Well, after he picked me up, uh,we took a drive to Don’s home. Oh, what a nice house.

Don Pardo: Jill, that’s the magnificent Pardo Manor inupstate New York, [dissolve to image of a hugemansion] thirty-six rooms of custom-designed FrenchNormandie elegance, one of the many of the Don Pardoassortment of fine homes. Chicago six-oh-six-oh-eight!Jill? [cut back to Jill]

Jill Clayburgh: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice house. Well, wewent inside and, oh, I saw all these wonderful worksof art. And I remember there was this one beautifulprint in particular–

Don Pardo: A print, Jill? Look again! [dissolve toimage of a painting] That’s an original Cezanne, his”Still Life with Plaster,” just one in the collectionof the Don Pardo French Masters Series. Chicagosix-oh-six-oh-eight! Jill? [cut back to Jill]

Jill Clayburgh: Well, after we dined, we discussed theshow and I met one of his sons.

Don Pardo: Not just any son, Jill, but young Don Pardothe Third! [dissolve to a photo of a young boy inriding clothes, holding a pony by the reins] Sevenyears of exciting life has been all his, educated atfine New York private schools and he’ll go on to suchschools as Andover, Harvard and Yale graduate school!Don is one of a set of five matching children from theDon Pardo Collection of Fine Youngsters! Chicagosix-oh-six-oh-eight! Jill? [cut back to Jill]

Jill Clayburgh: Yeah. You see what I mean? I mean, howmuch you can learn from a real pro? You know, that’sreally gonna help me. Thanks, Don!

Don Pardo: You’re welcome, Jill!

Jill Clayburgh: Well, we’ll be right back.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Andy Kaufman

… Jill Clayburgh
… Andy Kaufman

[Host Jill Clayburgh stands at Home Base, in front ofa red curtain, and speaks into a microphone atop amike stand at center stage.]

Jill Clayburgh: Well, our next guest has beenon the show several times and, for what he’s doingtonight, he needs four people, uh, volunteers from theaudience. And I’m gonna choose them. Don’t all raiseyour hands at once. Let’s see now, there’s– Ohhhh.[nervous laughter from audience, Clayburgh points intothe crowd] You! You have been chosen. Come on up. [oneby one, chosen audience members walk on stage andstand with Clayburgh] And what about you? Would youlike to do it? Come on. Yeah, yeah. Just come standover here and be ready for anything and– it’ll bepainless. And, let’s see, uh, would you like to be on?Yeah, come on up. And, uh, oh, I think I’ll pick agirl. Oh! I saw you looking away. Come on. Okay.[arranges the volunteers in a line] Oh, here, now, youstand – you stand here — I know about this — boy,girl, boy, girl. You, you stand here. [the fourvolunteers, two men and two women, all young people,are lined up across the stage, with three on one sideof the microphone stand and one on the other] And Ithink that’s it. Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Kaufman.

[Clayburgh leads the applause for Kaufman who enterswearing sneakers, a dark suit, with a blue shirt andnecktie, and a farmer’s straw hat. Clayburgh exits asKaufman stands at his portable phonograph, sitting ona table at one side of the stage. He puts the needleon the record: a children’s 78 rpm disc from the PeterPan Records label featuring Billy Williams and HisCowboy Rangers singing “Oh, Susanna” on one side and”Old MacDonald” on the other. Kaufman moves to themike stand as the scratchy record revolves andlip-syncs to the singer, Mr. Billy, much to theamusement of the audience and the volunteers lined upbehind him.]

Mr. Billy: [sings] Old MacDonald had a farmE-I-E-I-O!

[Kaufman raises his arm grandly on the final”E-I-E-I-O!” To the sound of a trotting horse, Kaufmantrots in place and turns to face the pleasingly plumpgirl who stands alone on one side of the mike stand.]

Mr. Billy: Whoa!

[Kaufman stops lip-synching and acts as if the plumpgirl is “Little Tex” and speaks to him. The plump girljust stands there grinning as Kaufman looks ather.]

Little Tex: Whoa! Oh, I like that song, Mr.Billy. Let’s all it sing it, shall we?

[Kaufman lip-syncs as if speaking to the plumpgirl.]

Mr. Billy: All right, Little Tex. [Kaufmanturns to the other volunteers and lip-syncs] Are youready, boys? [Kaufman bobs up and down, lip-synchingat the microphone as Mr. Billy sings the firstverse:]
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm he had some chicks, E-I-E-I-O
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O

[Kaufman steps away from the mike as he finishes theverse (as always, raising his arm grandly on the final”E-I-E-I-O!”) and turns to the plump girl, leading herup to the mike.]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] All right, Little Tex. It’syour turn.

[After a moment of surprise, the plump girl gamelythrows herself into lip-synching the next verse asLittle Tex sings:]

Little Tex:
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had some ducks, E-I-E-I-O[audience applauds her]
With a quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack

[Kaufman smoothly glides in front of the plump girl topick up the next part to much applause from thecrowd.]

Mr. Billy:
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O

[Kaufman again raises his arm grandly on the final”E-I-E-I-O!” – and then guides the next volunteer inline — a thin, bespectacled guy — up to the mike andlip-synchs to him.]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] Well, I guess you’re next,Joe.

[Bespectacled guy lip-synchs along with the record asa goofy “hick” voice sings:]

Joe:
Well, Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had some turkeys, E-I-E-I-O
With a gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there
And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere agobble-gobble

[Kaufman pushes the bespectacled guy away and pullsthe plump girl to the mike where she animatedlylip-synchs her part:]

Little Tex:
Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack

[Kaufman glides in and lip-synchs his verse to moreapplause as the plump girl cracks up laughing behindhim.]

Mr. Billy: With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O

[Kaufman leads a thin girl to the mike and lip-synchsto her:]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] Now, it’s your turn,Eddie.

[Thin girl lip-synchs her verse to a deep masculinevoice:]

Eddie:
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had some pigs, E-I-E-I-O
With a oink-oink here and a oink-oink there
Here an oink there an oink, everywhere aoink-oink

[Thin girl, nearly breaking up with laughter, ispushed away by Kaufman who guides the bespectacled guyto the mike to lip-sync his part:]

Joe:
Gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there
And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere agobble-gobble

[Bespectacled guy almost retreats too early andKaufman has to drag him back toward the mike and thenpush him away to make room for the plump girl whoneeds little coaxing to do her verse:]

Little Tex:
Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack

[Applause for her enthusiastic effort as Kaufmanglides in again:]

Mr. Billy:
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O

[By now, all the volunteers are grinning and clearlyhaving a good time. The final volunteer, a dark-hairedguy, moves to the mike with no prompting, thoughKaufman lip-synchs to him:]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] Now, what do you have tosay, Gabe?

[Dark-haired guy at the mike does a serviceablejob:]

Gabe:
Well, Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm he had a cow, E-I-E-I-O
With a moo-moo here and a moo-moo there
Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere amoo-moo

[Dark-haired guy withdraws as Kaufman drags in thethin girl:]

Eddie:
Oink-oink here and a oink-oink there
Here an oink there an oink, everywhere aoink-oink

[Thin girl looks quizzically at Kaufman for approvaland retreats as he guides the bespectacled guy, whohas already started lip-synching, to themike:]

Joe:
Gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there
And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere agobble-gobble

[Bespectacled guy gets some applause but forgets to dothe last part of his last line. Kaufman sends in theplump girl who gets another round of applause for herspirited performance:]

Little Tex:
Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere aquack-quack

[Kaufman glides in for the last time:]

Mr. Billy:
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere achick-chick
[By now the audience is clapping along with thesong]
Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O

[Song ends. Much applause which drowns out a moment ofthe record and also Jill Clayburgh who returns tothank the volunteers. Kaufman waves to the audienceand lip-synchs the following:]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] I’ll see you later, cowboysand cowgirls!

[Applause continues as the volunteers return to theirseats and Kaufman and Clayburgh exit the stage inopposite directions, trotting, to the sound of hoofbeats from the end of the record. Pull back a littleand fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts