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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Garrett’s Valentine

…..Garrett Morris
…..Gilda Radner

[ Garret runs on stage to join Gilda Radner. He carries a large white card. ]

Garrett Morris: Uh, Gilda, uh —

Gilda Radner: Hi, Garrett!

Garrett Morris: Yeah. I thought I might as well give you this now, since it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s, uh —

Gilda Radner: A valentine’s for me?

Garrett Morris: Yeah.

Gilda Radner: Oh, Garrett! I feel terrible! I didn’t send you a valentine’s.

Garrett Morris: Oh, that’s alright. Some people don’t send cards, you know?

Gilda Radner: No. I do send cards, I – just didn’t send you one.

Garrett Morris: Oh, well, you know – you’re only human. It’s just an oversight, I can understand that, you know —

Gilda Radner: No, it wasn’t an oversight. I-I didn’t want to send you one, because I — Knowing you, I figured you’d get the wrong idea, you know? I mean, when I send valentine’s to men, uh.. I mean it as friendship. But, you know – you..

Garrett Morris: [ slightly taken aback ] Gil-daaa! You — Gilda, I’m capable of a platonic relationship! I mean, friendship – that’s what I’m talking about, you know? Oh, I’m hurt, Gilda.

Gilda Radner: [ rests her hand on his shoulder ] Oh, I’m sorry, Garrett —

Garrett Morris: [ opens the card ] Here, read the card. Come on, read the card! I wrote a poem on here, and everything.

Gilda Radner: For me, you did this?

Garrett Morris: Yeah! Right here.

Gilda Radner: No, you read it to me, Garrett. It’s beautiful. Read it to me.

Garrett Morris: Okay, okay, alright.. [ reads ] “To Gilda, on Valentine’s Day. I give this card to thee / To let you know how much you mean to me.”

Gilda Radner: Oh, that’s beautiful, Garrett.

Garrett Morris: “To me, you’re a rose, so lovely in bloom / I’d like to molest you, upstairs in my room.”

Gilda Radner: [ offended ] Garrett —

Garrett Morris: “You’ll be my slave, and bow to my whims / As I rub creams and jellies all over your limbs.”

Gilda Radner: Garrett, I think that —

Garrett Morris: “I’ll show you fine lovin’, on that you can depend / You’ll be begging for mercy, that’s how I treat a friend.”

Gilda Radner: Garrett, that’s really beautiful.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, I just wanted to set you straight, you know? Okay? Happy Valentine’s Day!

Gilda Radner: Okay, Happy Valentine’s Day.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

The Corrida

Ricardo Montalban…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on actor Ricardo Montalban standing before a Corrida; sensual Spanish music plays in the background ]

Ricardo Montalban: As a Spaniard, I appreciate fine things. I love to feel the WIND and FIRE in my face! And when I choose a CAR… I choose a car with spirit! A car that would meet my evey need. The Corrrrrrida… is such a car!

[ Spanish guitars twang ]

Luxurious upholstery styled from rich salomander vinyl! Elogant doors crafted from rare Valencia cardboard! And a classic dashboard carved from plush Santiago styrofoam! And, yet, I constantly AMAZED at the affordibility of this magnificent automobile!

The Corrrrrrida! JUST as good a car… as I am an actor!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Duelling Brandos

…..Peter Boyle
…..John Belushi

[ open on title card, with mirror images of Marlon Brando ]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Duelling Brandos.

[ dissolve to Brando #1 and Brando #2 staring into each other’s face as they mumble to one another ]

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “On The Waterfront” ] “I coulda been a contender. I coulda been someone, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it, Charley.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “The Godfather” ] “I coulda been Senator Corleone; Governor Corleone. There wasn’t enough time, Michael.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “The Wild One” ] “She looked at me as if I was a bug!“

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “On The Waterfront” ] “Don’t you remember that night in the Garden, when you came down to my dressing room and you said, “Kid, it ain’t your night. We’re going for the money on Wilson.” You remember? Not my night.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “On The Waterfront” ] “So, what happens? He gets a shot at the title on the ballpark outdoors. I get a one-way ticket to Palooka-ville.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “A Streetcar Named Desire” ] “So we got in this state, a Napoleonic code. So what’s that of the husband is that of the wife, visa versa.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: “What are you two, a couple of queens?”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “Julius Caesar” ] “Here lies Caesar! When will come another?!”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “Last Tango in Paris” ] “Get me the butter.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “Mutiny on the Bounty” ] “Aye aye, Captain Bligh. [ mumbles indistinguishably ]

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “Guys and Dolls” ] “Luck be a lady tonight.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1 & Brando #2: [ from “On The Waterfront” ] “John Friendly, get out of there! Take away your heaters and your pistoleros, and you’re nothing! Maybe from where you’re standing, but from where I’m standing I relied on myself all these years! You’re nothing but a lousy, rotten, lousy, nothing – I’m glad what I done to you! You hear me?! I’m glad!“

[ they drop to their knees ]

Brando #1 & Brando #2: [ from “A Streetcar Named Desire” ] “Stellaaaaa!! Stellaaaaa!! Stellaaaaa!!”

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Peter Tomatz

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

All-Pro Wrestling

Johnny Pantaloop…..Dan Aykroyd
Bee #1…..John Belushi
Bee #2…..Peter Boyle
John Brewster…..Chevy Chase
Pat Brewster…..Gilda Radner
Referee…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: [ over title card ] And now, from the National Wrestling Super Dome, it’s the thrills and excitement of All-Pro Wrestling. And now into the ring with your commentator — Johnny Pantaloop.

[ dissolve to the ringside action, as the bell rings ]

Johnny Pantaloop: Alright, ladies and gentlemen! Up first on the card tonight, our featured tag-team bout! In first, from Giant Rock, California, and with a collective weight of 560 pounds — the championship tag team of The Bees!

[ a pair of Bees climb into the ring and strut for the crowd ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: And, the opponents are from Applecrest Gardens, Connecticut, with a collective weight of 280 pounds — the tag team of John and Pat Brewster, the WASPs!

[ the preppy WASP couple climb into the ring and smile at the crowd ]

And, ladies and gentlemen, your referee tonight will be Frank ??

[ the bell rings, as the Referee steps between the two teams ]

Referee: Alright, fellas! It’ll be a 15-minute bout — uh, three pins or five throws! No dodging, no kicking below the belt! Now, go into your corners and come out wrestling!

[ John Brewster points to Bee #1’s swinging antenna ]

Referee: Yeah, I better take this off for you — you’ll poke somebody’s eye out! [ he pulls off the Bee’s antenna ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: Of course, uh, they’re removing their antenna here tonight, ’cause they are very dangerous! The Bees are a very angry team! They’ve got prowess, they’ve got stamina. Uh, of course, the WASPs are very, very clever, and they’re gonna try all they can.

[ John Brewster struts about the ring a moment, then he and Bee #1 bounce back and forth between the ropes before Bee #1 lands Brewster in a chokehold ]

John Brewster: Hold it, hold it! [ he extends his hand for a shake ] I’m terribly sorry, I don’t believe we’ve met! I’m John Brewster. [ they shake hands ] Say, you know my wife and I have a TERRIFIC country place in the Hamptons, where our daughter is making her debut this weekend, and, well, we thought we might send the station wagon around for you at the airport. You can join the twins and I in the yacht. Perhaps you and your partner and I could —

[ catching the Bee off guard, Brewster twists his arm round, swings the Bee onto his back, then pounces on top of him ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: Well, as you can see the WASPs are very, very clever, and they’re sparing none of their tactics here today as the Bees go for an early tag!

[ Bee #2 climbs into the rings, pulls Brewster off of his buddy and throws him down into the mat ]

John Brewster: Hey! I don’t believe you met my wife Pat! Come over here, Pat!

[ John tags Pat, as they swap places ]

Pat Brewster: [ extending her hand ] How do you do! It’s SO pleasurable to meet you —

[ having none of it, Bee #2 grabs Pat and swings her around the ring ]

Pat Brewster: Put me down! Put me down! [ Bee #2 puts her down ] You know, dear — our daughter, Britt, has been taking French lessons, and we were thinking about giving her a private tutor! John and I are thinking it might be time to have her —

[ Pat grabs Bee #2 by the neck and throws him down into the mat ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: And a GREAT tactic there! A body slam and he falls right onto the mat! And the Bees are going for a tag!

[ the Bees swap places ]

Pat Brewster: Uh, you know, our other daughter — we were thinking of sending her to Switzerland, but we were — have you ever been to Bridgeport?

[ having none of it, Bee #1 thrusts Pat’s head between the ropes, puts the twist on her and begins to pound her face ]

Pat Brewster: No! We’re making a pot of red chili! We’d love to have you over for lunch!

[ without tagging her, John jumps into the ring and grabs Bee#1 from behind; likewise, Bee #2 jumps in to help his partner ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: Now, wait a minute! We have an illegal situation here, ladies gentlemen! We have a definite illegality here! BOTH teams are in the ring! There was no — there was NO tag here, absolutely no tag at all! There’s excitement here! There’s physical action! I don’t know whether the judges can disqualify this! There’s a lot of physical action here, a lot of excitement! It’s one of the GREATEST wrestling events I’ve ever seen, personally! I don’t know what the outcome will be! WHAT can they POSSIBLY do to finish this?! I don’t know, do they DARE do it?!

[ suddenly, a cow drops into the ring ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: YES! They’ve done it! They’ve DROPPED THE COW, ladies and gentlemen! They have DROPPED THE COW! They dropped the cow into the ring! The round — and the sketch — are OVERRRRR!!

[ pull into wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… How Dentists Brush Their Teeth” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13


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Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

February 14th, 1976

Peter Boyle

Al Jarreau

The Shapiro Sisters

None

Anne Beatts

Neil Levy

Alan Zweibel St. Valentine’s Day MassacreSummary: As couples dine at a Chicago restaurant on Valentine’s Day, 1929, a patron named Roger (Dan Aykroyd) asks Jimmy the waiter (Chevy Chase) to move his car into the garage from the snow. After Jimmy steps outside, a round of gunfire is heard, and Jimmy tumbles back into the restaurant filled with bullet holes and enough energy to open the show.

Recurring Characters: Steve Bushakis.

Transcript

Montage

Peter Boyle’s MonologueSummary: Just seconds after the stage has been cleared of the cold opening sketch, Peter Boyle walks out and tells the audience about his new girlfriend, Lorraine, who’s sitting among them. Because it’s Valentine’s Day, he sings the Rogers & Hart classic, “My Funny Valentine”, just for her, unaware that she’s making out with another man in the audience.

Bio: Perhaps best known as the misunderstood monster in “Young Frankenstein” and the cranky grandpa on “Everybody Loves Raymond”, Peter Boyle (1935-2006), a former monk in the Christian Brothers order, is no stranger to live theatre. Early in his career, he performed in a tour of “The Odd Couple” and onstage as part of Chicago’s Second City troupe. A week prior to his SNL hosting, Boyle showed up on the big screen as The Wizard in “Taxi Driver.” He’s been married to Lorraine since 1977.

Transcript

Ambassador Training InstituteSummary: A commercial spokesman (Andrew Duncan) explains how you can apply to become a U.S. ambassador for a foreign country, aptly mixing work with play.

Note: Repeat from 75d.

Samurai Divorce CourtSummary: Mr. (John Belushi) and Mrs. Futaba (Jane Curtin) are getting divorced, so their divorce lawyer (Peter Boyle) calls them together to divide their assets. The task is simple at first, but soon the disparity prevails and they begin to split everything down the middle with Futaba’s samurai sword. There’s still the matter of declaring custody of their young daughter, Bingo (Jenny Shapiro), but is it better to split her across the waist or down the middle?

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Transcript

The Shapiro Sisters lip-sync “This Will Be”Summary: Peter Boyle introduces The Shapiro Sisters, a child trio who dance and lip-synch the Natalie Cole song “This Will Be.”

Bio: Sisters Helena, Emily and Jenny are the daughters of Ken Shapiro, who produced, directed, wrote and acted in New York’s East Village Channel One Video Theater for five years, starting in 1967. The crew of Channel One later released “The Groove Tube” in theaters in 1974. Chevy Chase was a writer and actor for both productions.

New DadSummary: The typical family home is made up of Mom (Jacqueline Carlin), Dad (Dan Aykroyd) and the children. But if Dad suddenly dies, the family’s emotional loss is covered by New Dad (Chevy Chase).

Note: Repeat from 75a.

Jason & Chloe’s SideshowSummary: Stoners Jason (Dan Aykroyd) and Chloe (Laraine Newman) are visited by their neighbor Bob (Peter Boyle), who keeps mistakenly receiving suspicious packages addressed for them. They invite him inside to watch weird slides from their recent trip.

Recurring Characters: Jason, Chloe.

Note: In future appearances, Chloe also goes by the name Sunshine.

Transcript

Al Jarreau performs “We Got By”Bio: Al Jarreau (1940-) is the only vocalist to win Grammys in three different categories – jazz, pop, and R&B. 80’s television viewers will recognize his voice from the “Moonlighting” soundtrack.

Lyrics

The CorridaSummary: Ricardo Montalban (Dan Aykroyd) speaks highly of the new Corrida automobile, which he finds satisfactory in spite of its poor assembly.

Recurring Characters: Ricardo Montalban.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy Chase narrates Patty Hearst trial testimony over images of art masterpieces. Garrett Morris reports on the Winter Olympics from Innsbruck a week after they’ve ended. Back at the Blaine Hotel, Laraine Newman reports from outside a snuff director’s room. In an editorial reply, Emily Litella is against donating money for canker research.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp GunSummary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.

Note: Repeat from 11/15/75.

All-Pro WrestlingSummary: An exciting tag team wrestling match between Bees (John Belushi, Peter Belushi) and WASPs (Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Transcript

Remembrance of Things PastSummary: Jane Curtin intrviews a disguised Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd), going by the alias of Mr. X, about his recent activities.

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon.

Transcript

The Pledge of AllegianceSummary: This week’s Gary Weis film shows schoolchildren reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. The last line, “With liberty, and justice for all,” cuts to a delivery by Rubin Carter (Garrett Morris).

Duelling BrandosSummary: As the banjo music from “Deliverance” plays, Peter Boyle and John Belushi, dressed in “Wild One” garb, one-up one another with lines from Marlon Brando films.

Transcript

Household OrgySummary: When a husband (Peter Boyle) comes home early, he discovers various men hidden among his household appliances. His wife (Jane Curtin) convinces him they aren’t suspicious men, but, rather, new household products designed to run his home more efficiently.

Transcript

“A Home Movie”Summary: Filmed by viewer Howard Grunwald, this week’s home movie is literally video footage of the outside of a house. Afterwards, Gilda Radner asks Don Pardo to tell other home viewers where to send their home movies for inclusion on SNL.

Garrett’s ValentineSummary: Garrett Morris gives Gilda Radner a raunchy Valentine’s Day card.

Transcript

Al Jarreau performs “Somebody’s Watching You”Lyrics

SpeedSummary: When a housewife (Anne Beatts) uses the Speed diet pill, she’s able to get a lot of work done in a short amount of time.

Note: Repeat from 75f.

“Homeward Bound”Summary: Gary Weis’ film shows holiday travelers reuniting with their families at the airport, to to the sound of the Simon & Garfunkel classic “Homeward Bound.”

Note: Repeat from 75h.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Voodoo

… Robert Van Ry, SNL Stage Manager
… Chevy Chase
… Garrett Morris

[Chevy Chase’s dressing room. Chevy, surrounded byfour attractive young women, wears a gray suit and tieand sits before a TV set. He sips a drink held for himby one of the women.]

Robert Van Ry: [off screen] One minute, Mr. Chase!

Chevy Chase: Thank you, Bob. [a woman in Chevy’s lapoffers him some food] Oh, strawberries. [dropsstrawberry] Oop. Geez. [the women laugh obsequiously,Chevy eats the strawberry] I gotta get out there.[rises, brushes himself off, talks to the women as heheads for the door] Just wait here, okay?

[Chevy exits into hallway where he bumps into GarrettMorris just outside Garrett’s dressing room.]

Garrett Morris: Hey, hey, Chevy, what’s happenin’?

Chevy Chase: Garrett! How are you? Good to see you.

[They shake hands warmly.]

Garrett Morris: How you doin’, man? How’s everything?

Chevy Chase: Gotta go out and open the show.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, I know. Good luck, man.

Chevy Chase: Thanks.

Garrett Morris: Hey, hey, get that lint off. [thoughtfully picks some lint off Chevy’s gray suit]

Chevy Chase: I’m not gonna be able to do a fall this week.

Garrett Morris: No? Why not?

Chevy Chase: I really injured my back last week doing one, I think.

Garrett Morris: Oh, you know, I noticed you werefavoring your back, man, when you were walkin’. Bettertake it easy, bro’. Your shoes shined, man? [looks atChevy’s shoes] Yeah, okay.

Chevy Chase: Hey, listen, you’re not in the show verymuch this week and I’m pretty upset about it. I hopeyou’re not bothered by it. I know that it’s–

Garrett Morris: Oh, no, man. Look, I’m just glad to bein the show with you, man.

Chevy Chase: Just ’cause I’m gettin’ all the–

Garrett Morris: You a star, man. You a great talent, man.

Chevy Chase: I mean, I’m gettin’ all the publicity inthe press and everything but that’s– you know.

Garrett Morris: Hey, but, I’m– Look, I’m diggin’bein’ on the show with you.

Chevy Chase: You’re a fine actor, Garrett. I enjoy working with you.

Garrett Morris: Thanks a lot, man. Look, it’s a pleasure workin’ with you, man.

Chevy Chase: I’ll see ya later.

Garrett Morris: Hey! Good luck, Chevy, man.

Chevy Chase: Thanks.

Garrett Morris: Take it easy.

[Chevy walks off down the hallway but we stay withGarrett who glances up and down the hall cautiouslybefore retreating into his dressing room. Garrett sitsat a desk, puts on a necklace strung with teeth and aderby hat with a feather in it. He sings wordlessly ashe picks up a small, gray-suited Chevy Chase doll,flips it over and starts manipulating the featheredpin stuck in its back — it’s a voodoo doll.]

Garrett Morris: [rolls his eyes, singing] Chevy Chaaaaaase!

[Cut to home base where a microphone rests on a stool.]

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Chevy Chase!

[Audience applauds as Chevy enters slowly, clutching his sore back, picks up the microphone and sits on the stool.]

Chevy Chase: Thank you. Thank you very much. Hello,everybody and welcome. I have a slight apology tomake. I won’t be doing the traditional fall to openthe show due to a back injury which I sustained lastweek. I would, however– And boy! Is it killin’ me –to sing a song for you, just to, uh, warm things up.

[As Chevy talks, we cut to Garrett’s dressing roomwhere Garrett pulls the pin out of the doll’s back andsticks it in the neck.]

Garrett Morris: [singing] Chevy Cha–!

[Cut back to home base where Chevy clutches at his neck.]

Chevy Chase: And, uh– Ow! That’s, like, shootingright up into my neck, you know? But, uh, anyway, uh,well, let’s give it a try. Uh, want to hit it, Paul?[Offstage, unseen pianist Paul Shaffer starts playingthe 1937 George and Ira Gershwin pop standard “TheyCan’t Take That Away from Me” — Chevy sings:]
The way you wear your hat –
The way we danced till three –
The mem’ry of all that–

[Cut to Garrett who hurls the doll up against hisdressing room wall, watching it fall to the floor.]

Garrett Morris: [singing] Chevy!

[Cut back to Chevy who, microphone in hand, pitchesforward and falls headlong off of home base,disappearing from camera range, landing on the floorin front of the stage and knocking over the stool inthe process. Applause. Close-up of Chevy on thefloor.]

Chevy Chase: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman
British Mercenary…..Dan Aykroyd
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
…..Tom Schiller

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] What do you mean? No — you remember on the freeway… that truck that passed us? I swear they could see your head. Honey, it did not look like you were napping… [ he notices the camera ] I gotta go! [ he hangs up ] Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.

Our top story tonight: In a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court struck down nearly all limits on presidential campaign spending. Almost immediately, four new candidates entered the race: Norman Lear, the Shah of Iran, Hugh Hefner, and Nelson Rockefeller.

Henry Kissinger was fitted with new eyeglasses today. This, following the wake of the embarrassing incident which took place earlier this week, where Kissinger accidentally sold firearms to his wife Nancy and dance with Israeli Prime Minister Rabin until the wee hours of the morning.

The CIA has denied an attempt to assassinate Fidel Castro with an invisible exploding cigar.

A recent Harris Poll shows that, by a margin of 44% to 46%, Republican voters would prefer a president who puts shampoo in his coffee to one who puts Red Dye #2 in his hair.

Well, the selection of the jury in the Patricia Hearst case is almost over. For a direct reprot, let’s go now to the courthouse in San Francisco, and correspondent Peter Error.

[ cut to a series of amateur-quality of “Artist’s Rendering” photos of the trial ]

Voiceover: A predominantly female panel of selected jurors has been chosen so far in the bank robbery trial of Patricia Hearst. Before the secret questioning of jurors began again today, a judge denied a request by the America Civil Liberties Union to open the trial to the public and press. Newspaper millionaire Randolph Hearst and his wife were the only members of the family allowed in the courtroom, much to the dissatisfaction of the prosecution. Defense counsel Al Johnson said that Miss Hearst was wearing the same outfit she had worn the day before — a white turtleneck, Navy blue blazer, and Navy blue slacks. The trial will center on rather weighty evidence connecting Miss Hearst to at least one bank hold-up, in which film had been taken. Also scheduled to appear are William and Emily Harris, for their parts in the kidnapping and subsequent alleged illegal activities. And, of course, Patty’s roommate, Wendy Yoshimura.

[ camera pulls back to reveal Chevy holding his nose and conducting the narration of the poorly-drawn slides ]

Chevy Chase: This is Peter Error, reporting from San Francisco…

[ Chevy looks up to find the camera on him, and promptly lets go of his nose ]

Chevy Chase: [ image: woman staring at potted plant in pothole ] Former First-Lady, Ladybird Johnson, flew to New York today to continue spreading the word on her “Keep America Beautful” campaign.

Well, the popular TV personality known as Professor Backwards was slain in Atlanta yesterday, by three masked gunmen. According to reports, neighbors ignored the Professor’s cries of “Pleh! Pleh!” [ the audience laughs and groans ] I’m sorry!

By a vote of 23 to 5, the California State Supreme Court — [ Chevy purposely mangles his words, shrugs, and starts over ] The California State Denate has approved a resolution removing Richard M. Nixon’s name from a Southern California freeway. Sources in San Clemente say that the former president is considering changing his name to “Off Ramp”.

Well, the sea has yielded a rare living treasure. Marine biologists have discovered individual portions of tuna swimming off the coast of Grand Bahamas Island. Culinary expert Isaac Main says this is the biggest and best thing since the discovery of the tomato some one hundred years ago. [ Chevy crumles the news sheet and stuffs it inside his jacket ]

This just in: Francisco Franco is dead tody at the age of 82.

Well, 1976 is not only a bicentennial year, the New York Times reports that this year also marks the tricentennial of the discovery of sperm. Dr. Donald Faucet, celebrating at the Harvard Medical School in Boston, remarked: “There is reason to believe that the spermatazoen was in use before 1676.” “Weekend Update” advocates its continued use in the coming centuries.

Chevy Chase: Right now, we have a direct, live via satellite, report from Luanda, Angola, with correspondent Laraine Newman and a British mercenary. Come in, Laraine Newman.

[ after a moment, Laraine appears on the monitor behind Chevy ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy, I’m sitting in a makeshift hospital on the outskirts of the city, next to an exhausted British mercenary, who’s been in the field for eight long and lonely weeks. It’s obvious that this man has suffered from the elements for eight long and lonely weeks, has suffered from lack of food for eight long and lonely weeks, and has suffered from lack of companionship for eight long and lonely weeks. Tell me, sir: What brought you to Angola?

British Mercenary: Well, a nice summonette in “Soldier of Fortune” magazine, and, uh, it’s rough, they don’t know where they’re gonna send you next. Went up to Iceland, trained in the Chuppas there for a while, and then… came down here, and, uh, got my gun in the Chuppas, you know. They say it’s rough, but, uh, you know, you never know when you’re gonna get hit, and… I think they’re gonna send me out to the Painted Desert to exterminate lizards next. But, uh… I’d sure like to pop your lily!

Laraine Newman: Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.

British Mercenary: I mean it! I mean it!

[ they begin to kiss and make it, as the transmission fades ]

Chevy Chase: War-torn Laraine Newman, in Angola. I’m sorry.

Still to Come: A Brooklyn fireman elopes with a dog. After this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for Felina Cat Food ]

[ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: [ blows his nose on the crumpled news sheet ] And now, in keeping with our policy to present responsible opposing viewpoints, here with an editorial reply is Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: What’s all this fuss I hear… about an Eagle Rights Amendment? Now, I realize that the eagle is the symbol for the United States of America. But I wouldn’t like to sit next to one on the bus! Well, I think the eagle’s been treated fair enough! We put theim on the back of the quarter, didn’t we? Well, I’m angry! Do those birds expect to vote? They don’t even have fingers to push the little lever in the booth! And they’ll get their wings caught in the curtain! It’ll be a mess! Between you and me, if we give eagles rights, the next thing you know, we’ll have to give rights to pigeons! And then robins! And parakeets! Why, you won’t be able to get a seat in the park! It’ll be the BIRDS sitting on the bench throwing US little pieces of toast! If we’re gonna give birds rights, we’ll have to give them to parrots! At least they can talk! Not the eagle! They don’t do a thing! I —

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella? Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: What?!

Chevy Chase: The editorial was in favor of the Equal Rights Amendment. Not Eagle Rights — Equal Rights.

Emily Litella: Equal Rights?

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: For who?

Chevy Chase: Well, people, Miss Litella.

Emily Litella: Oh. Well, that’s reasonable.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: Never mind!

Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials — when we feel like it.

And now as a public service to those of our viewers who may have been watching “I Love Lucy” during this broadcast, I will repeat the top story of the day assisted by the Curator of the “I Love Lucy” Museum, Mr. Thomas Schiller.

[ Schiller appears in Ricky Ricardo garb in an oval over Chevy’s shoulder ]

Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight:

Thomas Schiller: Our top story tonight:

Chevy Chase: The Supreme Court strikes down campaign spending limits.

Thomas Schiller: Hey, Lucy! It’s me, Ricky! I’m down at the club! Listen: Tell Fred and Ethel to bring my white tuxedo! We’re having a show with Bill Holden, and it’s very important I have it! And tell Little Ricky to bring the drums! Don’t forget the white suit, Lucy!

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Thomas Schiller: Good night, Lucy! See you manana!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Our Town

Stage Manager…Dick Cavett

[fade from black onto spartan backstage set with standing lamp and aladder. A solo flute plays, SUPER: “Our Town”]

[Stage Manager enters, and stands in front of the ladder. He wears ajacket, tie and hat, and carries a pipe from which he occasionallydraws from. He speaks in an upstate New York or New England accent].

Stage Manager: This play is called ‘Our Town’, and it was not written by Thornton Wilder. The name of the town is New York City, NewYork…it’s just across the Jersey border, Longitude 73 degrees, 58minutes, Latitude 44 degrees, 7 minutes. The time is January 31,1976, [looks around] and it’s a little before dawn.

It the air quality wasn’t so poor, you could see the first streaks oflight right over there through the twin trade towers. [sfx: a policesiren starts to wail] The big street right around here is calledBroadway…another is called 42nd Street….’course, the subway runsright underneath us.

Over there is the new methadone center…we’re very proud of that.[audience laughs] And just above the leather bar is, uh, VinnieSabotino’s massage parlor, where you can get a decent rub job for tendollars. Next to that is the, uh, body paint studio, and uh [drawspipe], oh yeah, beside that is ‘Sex Aid City’, and on the corner isthe adult bookshop. Let’s see what they have there [peers at objectsupposedly at a distance] ‘Torrid Tots Meet the Nympho-‘ [chuckles]. They always put black tape over the good parts.

[draws pipe] I, uh- I suppose you’re wonderin’ what those big moundsof garbage everywhere are. Fact is the sanitation workers went onstrike a few months ago and it’s been that way- [distracted, hechuckles] look at the size of that, would ya? Ha ha…looks more likea dog! Where was I anyway? Oh yeah, I was talkin’ about strikes…mygoodness, seems like they’re all on strike now. We’ve got the transitworkers, and the…teachers, the typesetters, the cab drivers. Theambulance drivers and the doctors and the milkmen, [sfx: roar of jetengines approaching] the gravediggers and the operators and themunicipal- [notices engine noise, checks watch] Ah, that’d be Flight646 from Boston, right on time…[sfx: boom]. Looks like the aircontrollers’ strike went through too.

[draws pipe] Now, uh, those women that you see in the platform shoesand the microskirts standin’ there in front of the fire station- well,that used to be the fire station but our mayor made somecutbacks…mostly police and fire department- they closed it down.

[sfx: woman’s bloodcurdling screams] Well, I reckon that’s old Mrs.Grossman getting raped and strangled in the alley. You probablywonderin’ why I don’t call the cops. Well, for one thing, the phonein that booth over there hasn’t worked since Dewey was governor. Andfor another, that’s how we do things here in Our Town, we tend not toget involved, you know…sorta let people go about their business. Like, uh, Rafer Jones over there. Good ol’ Rafer, we- we just let himgo about his business. Gosh, he’s been pushing junk on this cornerfor more years than I care to remember. [calling off camera] Mornin’Ray!

Yep…well, it looks like the town’s startin’ to wake up now- [noticessomething on his shoe] Nghh, ha ha…gotta watch where you step inthese New York streets, I tell ya [walks to side of ladder and wipeshis foot on the lowest step].

Say, a sad thing happened last week to old, uh, Doc Andrew. You, youthink a grown man would have more sense than to go traipsing aroundthe park after sundown. Not Doc. He went out jogging, or something,and they found him next moring, stabbed 112 times. You might haveread about it in the papers. [draws pipe] Never did find thefeet…the hands were mailed back of course but that’s life, Isuppose.

Least ways, that’s how life is here in Our Town…population eight million, one-hundred ninety-five thousand, five hundred and sirty-thwix… five-hundred and sixty-two, I should say because we almost forgot about old Mrs. Grossman. [puts pipe in mouth, sfx: car horns] Well, I better be goin’ if I wanna beat the mornin’ rush hour home [takes pipe out]. Oh…I don’t live here, I just work here; I live in Connecticut. Most everybody who can afford it lives in Connecticut or Westchester. [a beat] Even Valley Stream.

[turns to go, pauses] Anyway, uh, glad to say the weather’s clearingup, although when it turns out to be a hot sunny day, it’s a shame ina way because, uh, the garbage always smells wors on a hot sunny day,but anyway, we’ll be seeing you, you have a nice day. [puts pipe inmouth, turns, and walks into the darkness behind].

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Dick Cavett’s Monologue

…Dick Cavett

Dick Cavett: Thank you very much. Thank you. That’svery kind. Thank you. Welcome to Saturday Night. Myname is Candice Bergen … and I think either they’vecut my hair off in my sleep or you have the wrong cuecard up there. That’s it. My name is Dick Cavett.There you are. I tried memorizing that all day and I[snaps his fingers] just couldn’t get it. The rest ofthe show is off the top of our heads. As you know,this is a live show and that’s very exciting, uh, youknow, there really aren’t any shows that are “livelive” any more like this on television. If the camerasgo out, they go out. That’s it. It becomes a liveradio show. And if the cameras AND the mikes go out,we go door-to-door and do the show for you.

I love being in this building at NBC. I had one of theworst frustrations of my life in this building. Freshfrom college, I came here to 30 Rock, went and appliedto be a page at NBC. That was my great ambition. Iwas– College, Nebraska, right to New York. Filled outthe long form and they rejected me. Uh, I really blewit. At the end of the form, where it said, “Do youadvocate the overthrow of the United States governmentby force or violence?” — I chose violence. [delayedapplause] That was it.

I didn’t feel so bad because my dumb cousin Norman wasrejected, too. Uh, he – he’s very dumb. He lostanother job recently. He was director of the St. LouisZoo. And he took down all the cages and tried to runit on the honor system. Hard to believe but there youare.

Uh, if I could be serious for a moment, I had a very,I guess, great honor today. I received a letterinviting me to run for the Democratic presidentialnomination and, uh … [applause] Thank you. Thankyou. Unfortunately, it was a chain letter. … They’regonna have to have a separate convention hall for thecandidates there. It’s absurd.

I, uh, I’m a little disillusioned with politics. I’mthat generation. I – I heard my parents say as a kidalways, “In times of crisis, history will throw up agreat man.” And … in recent years, history’s had atendency to throw up, as you’ve noticed, and leave itat that.

Say, we’re a little annoyed tonight. The cast, if theyseem a little down, it’s the censor. Um, the NBCcensor’s been very liberal but he knocked out oursketch in which two robbers try to hold up a spermbank. Now, I figure, we’re all mature. We know thereare such things as sperm banks, right? Um, there’s onein New York, in fact. They’re very much like a realbank. The only difference is that with a sperm bank,after you make a deposit, you lose interest.[applause] But–

Say, Jimmy Cliff is here. [applause] I’m sorry, incase you’re in for a diappointment, I should say, wethink he will be here. Um, as you know, he makes hishome in Jamaica and, um, there has been a flood in theJamaica-Queens subway tunnel. But– No, he’s here. I’mkidding. Would I say that to you? He’s a– As youknow, he’s one of the world’s great reggae singers.Reggae is a Latin American word meaning “rich.”[nobody laughs, Cavett starts ad-libbing] Um, he’smade an awful lot of money and, uh– I don’t really–Does anyone have any idea what “reggae” means? Hands?Anyone know? Anything at all? Does anyone have aquestion?

Anyway, Jimmy is here and there’s a surprise for melater. I know a little about it. They don’t want me toknow too much about it. And I would like to say oneword– why I wanted to do this show. Often, ontelevision, I’ve been accused of doing things that are… above the intelligence level of the mass audience.And I don’t really buy that. Uh, I kind o’ resentthat. Just because I went to college, you know, theysay you’re an intellectual. As you know, going tocollege doesn’t make you an intellectual. Um…[applause]

I feel that, uh… I feel that humor, like theuniverse, is conditioned by a – a kind of — Well,it’s a byproduct of your own Weltanschauung, I feel,and what it is, really, is a, I think, a randomlysequentialized system of only partially overlappingsynergistics and energy events that are, really,irreducibly unanalyzable. And an example, to me, ofover-intellectualized humor would be, for example,Laroche Foucault’s famous remark with which he brokeup the French Academy when he said, uh, when he said:[Cavett rattles off something in French] Now, to me,that’s a bomb! See, you didn’t laugh. I don’t thinkit’s funny. And I’m gonna confess to you that my realsense of humor is a little lower-brow than that. WhatI think is funny– I loved it when, well, like SpikeJones or somebody when they’d shoot a gun off and adead duck would come down or something like that.[pulls a pistol from his belt] This is my idea ofwhat’s really funny. Watch this.

[Cavett unconvincingly fires the pistol into the airand a life-sized, stuffed canvas cow crashes down fromthe rafters onto the stage behind him. Laughter andapplause.]

It’s the old cow-dropping bit. It just kills me. We’llbe right back after this message. Stay with us.

[Cavett basks in the applause as a superimposed textreads: COMING UP NEXT… TOP MAFIA LEADERS REVEAL THEDO’S AND DON’TS OF LARGE LUNCHEONS.]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

The Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane Operation

…Dick Cavett

[open on office, Dick is sitting on the desk]

Dick Cavett: [on intercom] Uh, tell them I’ll only be a moment, Miss Carson. [acknowledges camera] Oh, hello, I’m Dick Cavett, and youknow, America has over 104 billion square feet of swamplands andeverglads. Much of it is uncivilized; all of it is wet. That’s whythe trained hydroplane operator has a solid employment future. Today,the best courses in hydroplane and hovercraft operation are beingoffered by the Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane Operation. [dissolvebriefly to doctored photo of a man driving a boat with an older femalepassenger. Dick’s head is crudely pasted onto the boat driver’s head] In three short weeks you will learn all the skills of this excitingfield at our 58 acre training swamp near Beaumont, Texas, or you cankeep your present job and learn at home. Call this toll-free numbernow [“311-555-7878” flashes on screen for a few seconds],311-555-7878, and we’ll send you my informative booklet, The AmericanPresidency and Hovercraft Speed Tuning.

Remember, when you take the stick, take it from Dick.

[applause and laughter: dissolve to audience shot; the camera zooms ona young woman wearing a hat and glasses. SUPER: “NOT WEARING PANTS”].

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SNL Transcripts