Category:

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: Monster Pals



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18


















13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

Monster Pals

Bartender…..Kenan Thompson
Jim…..Connor O’Malley/James Franco
Danny…..Mike O’Brien
Bully…..Seth Rogen
Patron…..Taran Killam

[ open on Clancy’s Bar ]

Bartender: Here you go, fellas. Hey — no trouble tonight. I know sometimes you monsters like to get a little rowdy. [ he gives one final stink-eye as he steps away ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Typical.

Jim: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Yeah, what was that all about?

[ a Bully and his posse enter the bar ]

Bully: Hey! You dumb MONSTERS! [ to his buddies ] Watch this. [ to the monsters ] Yo! What’s UP, uglies? Nice… gross green skin! This guy’s got… He-Man’s HAIR! He doesn’t even have LIPS! Where’s this guy’s LIPS?! Just do me a favor, Monster: Don’t look in that mirror right there… ’cause you might BREAK IT! YOU UGLY MONSTER!

[ the Bully and his buddies laugh as they walk away ]

[ the monsters look glumly at their reflections in the mirror ]

Jim: [ growling, with subtitles: ] He’s right, Danny. We’re ugly! I’ve been thinking about getting the surgery.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Whoa… Heavy. I mean, whatever you gotta do. It’s just, if you get a surgery to look human… how will I tell you apart from the rest of them?

Jim: Hey, man… Even if I look human, inside I’ll always be… your buddy Jim.

[ they hug ]

[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

[ Danny enters the bar, looking for Jim ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Is that you, Jim?

Patron: You’re looking for Jim? I’m not Jim, I’m Dave!

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Sorry, my friend has this jacket.

Patron: Yeah, well a lot of people have this jacket, alright? [ Danny shirks away ] I hope you find him. You can’t just go grabbing people, man! You gotta watch that.

[ cut to footage of Danny randomly approaching unsuspecting New Yorkers and asking for Jim, scaring the shit out of most of them who don’t know what’s going on ]

[ Danny stops by a video store window and glimpses a scene from “Monsters University” ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] They took a lot of liberties on that one.

[ Danny chases a group of kids at Washington Square ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] There’s been a misunderstanding.

[ Danny sees a girl wearing a chicken mask ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Sooooo… I actually work out quite a bit myself.

Girl: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Look, I have a boyfriend.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Alright. Alright. Forget it.

[ Danny appears in the outdoor crowd during “The Today Show” ]

[ Danny sits on a bench advertising the monster face reconstruction surgery by Dr. Wiencko ]

[ suddenly, Danny spots a familiar shape leaning along the pier ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Uh… Jim…?

Jim: [ smiling ] Danny!

[ they hug ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] You’re a hunk!

Jim: Aw, I feel GREAT! This surgery is AWESOME!

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] I’m really happy for you, Jim.

Jim: I don’t go by “Jim” any more. Now it’s… James.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Jaaaaaames.

Jim: James.

[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

Jim: So how do you feel? You happy you did it?

Danny: I am, yeah — I feel good. I mean… I don’t love the nose they gave me, I might have that changed soon…

Jim: Yeah, I don’t know why you chose that face…

Danny: It’s just a little bit cheaper, and… hmm…

Jim: Oh, well.

Danny: Good to see you!

[ Danny wraps his monster hand around James’ shoulder ]

[ SUPER: “The End” ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18




13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

Goodnights

…..Seth Rogen

Seth Rogen: Thank you to Ed Sheeran, Zooey Deschanel, James Franco, Taylor Swift! This has been a lot of fun! The cast, Lorne, everyone: Good night! Thank you, guys!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: Blue River Dog Food



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18










13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

Blue River Dog Food

Cindy…..Cecily Strong
Pat…..Seth Rogen

[ open on couple seated on couch ]

Cindy: Our animals? They’re like part of the family. [ to her dog ] Right, Peanut?

Pat: We have kids, too! [ he chuckles ]

Cindy: But the animals, we’ve had longer. And I want the best for them. That’s why we switched to… Blue River Dog Food.

Pat: Blue River NEVER skimps on ingredients, like our old dog food. I mean, look what our dog was eating before: [ he holds up old dog food bag ]

Cindy: [ reading ] “Ground yellow corn”? “Chicken byproduct meal”? I mean, did they really think we weren’t gonna look?

Pat: We did look, and now we know better.

Cindy: I know, but… the thing that gets me is, it’s, like… what kind of person thinks it’s okay to put a big drawing of a chicken on the front of the bag, and yet, there’s no chicken in there!

Pat: It’s okay, honey! [ he laughs nervously ] We’re using BLUE RIVER now!

Cindy: [ laughing maniacally ] Well, how is that okay, Pat? HOW?! ‘Cause… we fed that old GARBAGE to our DOG, Pat! You know?

Pat: I know. Are you… are you about to cry right now?

Cindy: Um… maybe! I don’t know!

Pat: It’s, it’s, it’s okay! We switched brands!

Cindy: It’s NOT okay, Pat! It’s like they think I’m DUMB!!

Pat: No, they don’t think we’re dumb, they just think we don’t care as much as we do!

Cindy: Ohhh, please! Give me a break, BIG NAME DOG FOOD!! You know, what OTHER compromises can we make?!! You want to have SEX with my husband?!! BEND OVER, Pat, they want to GET THAT ASS!!

Pat: No! I-I-I-I don’t think that’s what they want…! I think they’re just cutting corners on their dog food.

Cindy: “Cutting corners”?! There’s no CHICKEN, Pat!!

Pat: Th-th-th-there is some chicken! There’s just not that much chicken! There are trace amounts of chicken!

Cindy: Oh! Oh! “Trace amounts”! I’m sorry, I’m just INSANE!! That’s great! “Trace amounts”! Have you heard that, Peanut?! Have you tasted “trace amounts of chicken”?!

[ the dog remains silent ]

Pat: Look — I don’t know what you want me to DO, Cindy! Okay?!

Cindy: GET ANGRY, PAT!! YOU BE ON MY SIDE FOR ONCE!!

Pat: I AM ANGRY!!

Cindy: NO, YOU’RE NOT!! I have SEEN you angry!! You be a MAN, Pat!!

Pat: I AM BEING A MAN!! I’M BEING A MAN RIGHT NOW!! I DON’T APPRECIATE THAT!! I’M TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER!!

Cindy: HOW, Pat?!

Pat: WE SWITCHED BRANDS!! THREE WEEKS AGO!!

Cindy: [ crying ] IT’S NOT ENOUGH!! I WANT SOMEONE FROM THAT COMPANY TO COME HERE… AND LOOK MY DOG IN THE FACE AND SAY… “SORRY!!!”

[ the dog is pre-occupied with a chew toy ]

Cindy: AND SAY “SORRY” TO ME, AND THEN “SORRY” TO MY FAMILY… AND THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!! YOU CAN BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT, FOR ALL I CARE!!

Pat: Honey, Big Brand Dog Food is NOT gonna do that!

Cindy: [ clutching her temple ] I hate everyone on Earth…!! People are LIARS… and LOSERS!! [ she screams ]

Pat: SHUT UP!! YOU’RE UPSETTING THE DOG!!

[ the dog just stares at the camera ]

Cindy: Our DOG?!! Our dog is BRAIN DEAD from eating LITTER and CRAP DOG it’s WHOLE LIFE!!

Pat: I need you to calm down!! Okay?!!

[ she screams in his face ]

Pat: Just… walk around! Get some air! Okay?!

[ she walks to the back wall and stretches her arms to the ceiling ]

Cindy: I give up! I TOTALLY give up! You know? They win! There’s no fight left in me. Big Name Brand Dog Food, you won, okay? [ she returns to the couch and sits ] Take my dog, take my house… I’m done…!

Pat: Honey… we’re feeding the dog the GOOD STUFF now! We’re GOOD!!

Cindy: Are, are we? I want to believe that you care about me, but…

Pat: Honey… we bought BLUE RIVER DOG FOOD as SOON as we found out!!

Cindy: [ she shrugs ] Okay…

[ cut to product image ]

Announcer: They switched to Blue River. Real ingredients and real quality. Show your pet you care.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18












13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test

Man…..Beck Bennett
Woman…..Vanessa Bayer

[ open on couple holding a pregnancy test in their hands ]

Man: Are you ready to find out?

Woman: I’m nervous.

Man: Don’t be! Everything’s going to be fine.

[ cut to couple in testimonial ]

Woman: Deciding to have a baby wasn’t a simple decision.

Man: And we didn’t want a pregnancy test that just gave us a simple “Yes” or “No.”

Woman: We wanted more information.

Man: And when it comes to giving information, there’s only one name we trust to give it to us constantly.

Woman: That’s why we use the new CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test. Its relentless breaking alerts let us know that it’s working hard to find out if we’re having a baby.

[ cut to Woman exiting bathroom with pregnancy test in her hands ]

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY UNDERWAY!

Woman V/O: As CNN slowly analyzes my urine, it updates me on its “Breaking News” screen.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY CONTINUES!

Man V/O: Because CNN believes that we deserve all the information they can find.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CNN MORE CONFIDENT THAN EVER THAT IT WILL SOON KNOW IF YOU’RE PREGNANT!

Man V/O: Even if that information is no information.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY ENTERS THIRD WEEK!

Why is this taking so long? It’s 2014!

Man: Honey, it’s not the stick’s fault, it’s telling you everything it knows.

Woman: I know. I’m not mad at the stick. It’s just — This was fun at first, but now it’s just: “WAIT, and tell me when you know!”

Man V/O: Breaking alerts, every ten minutes.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! 6 MILLION U.S. WOMEN GET PREGNANT EACH YEAR!

Woman: So?!

Man V/O: Daytime and nighttime.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!…

Woman: Oh, my God…

Man: [ groggy ] We’re having a baby…?

Woman: Nope. Oscar Pistorius took his legs off in court.

Woman V/O: And when CNN finally does make a discovery about a pregnancy —

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! PREGNANCY FOUND!!!

Woman: Pregnancy found!!

Man: YES!!

Woman V/O: I know it’ll be accurate —

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CANNOT CONFIRM PREGNANCY!

Woman V/O: 15% of the time.

Man: Great.

Woman: Great! Cool! Awesome! How great!

Man: Fine!

[ cut to product ]

Man V/O: The CNN Home Pregnancy Test.

Woman: For when you want to know, but they don’t know.

[ cut to Woman entering room with baby in her arms ]

Woman: Honey! I guess I was pregnant!

[ they hug ]

Together: Thanks, CNN!!

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!

Woman: Oh! And Ke$ha just took the dollar sign out of her name.

Man: Hmm.

Woman: Hmm.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


April 12th, 2014

Seth Rogen

Ed Sheeran

None

James Franco

Zooey Deschanel

Taylor Swift

None
GOP at CoachellaSummary: Paul Ryan (Taran KIllam) and Jeb Bush (Beck Bennett) try to make themselves relevant to a younger audience at a music festival.

Recurring Characters: Paul Ryan, Jeb Bush.

Montage

Seth Rogen’s MonologueSummary: Seth Rogen’s diary readings are interrupted by unwanted cameos from James Franco, Zooey Deschanel and Taylor Swift.

ShallonSummary:

Recurring Characters: Shallon.

CNN Pregnancy Test Summary: Hopeful Mom-to-be (Vanessa Bayer) receives frequent though useless updates on the possibility of her being pregnant.

Transcript

SteakhouseSummary:

Monster PalsSummary: After being made fun of in a bar, a pair of monsters (James Franco, Mike O’Brien) have reconstructive surgery to look human.

Transcript

Blue River Dog FoodSummary: Pat’s (Seth Rogen) testimonial for Blu River Dog Food takes an abrupt turn when Cindy (Cecily Strong) lashes out at the lack of integrity of their previous brand.

Transcript

Ed Sheeran performs “Sing”

Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin JostSummary: Red Sox player David Ortiz (Kenan Thompson) explains the selfie he took with President Obama. Bar Mitzvah boy Jacob (Vanessa Bayer) still isn’t quite ready to bond with Cecily Strong.

Recurring Characters: Jacob.

Engagement PartySummary: (Seth Rogen) is embarrassed when his cousin Stacey (Cecily Strong) crashes his engagement party to announce that he had a one-time drunken gay encounter.

Undercover SharptonSummary: In the 1970’s, Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) goes undercover to assist the FBI in a drug bust.

Ed Sheeran performs “Don’t”

Happy 420Summary: Wanna-be pot smoker (Kyle Mooney) celebrates the return of Bob Blinger on April 20th.

Herman & SonsSummary: George Herman (Seth Rogen) and Eugene Sons (Kenan Thompson) announce the transition of their business venture from a sperm bank to a yogurt parlor.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anna Kendrick: 04/05/14: Anna Kendrick’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17






















13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Anna Kendrick’s Monologue

…..Anna Kendrick
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Anna Kendrick!

Anna Kendrick: Thank you! Thank you SO much! It is SO exciting to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I’ve done a lot of movies lately, but… actually, um, I got my start in the musical theater. When I was 10, my dad took me to see “Beauty and the Beast” on Broadway… and I just KNEW I wanted to be up there, so… to be here on this New York stage is so incredibly exciting. It just feels like something out of a storybook.

[ music pots up ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“SNL.
Can’t believe I’m hosting!
It’s a show
I’ve always adored..

SNL!
Full of lovely people
Coming up… to say:”

Taran Killam: Bonjour!

Kenan Thompson: Bonjour!

Kyle Mooney: Bonjour!

Sasheer Zamata: Bonjour!

Kate McKinnon: [ walking past ] Hello, Anna!

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“There go the writers and the cast, like always
Rewriting scripts until the end.
Everyone must do their part!
For the show’s about to start!
And tonight will be so magical.”

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, hey, Anna!

Anna Kendrick: Hi, Bobby! Don’t you just LOVE being on stage?

Bobby Moynihan: I mean… it’s more of a TV show…

Anna Kendrick: But it’s LIVE and it’s WONDERFUL, and YOU’RE wonderful!

Bobby Moynihan: Okay, you’ve got to pace yourself, girl!

Anna Kendrick: Okay, Bobby! Bye!

[ Kendrick walks past Vanessa Bayer and Kate McKinnon having their hair combed ]

Together: [ singing ]
“Look, there goes Anna and she’ll be great, no question!
She’s talented beyond compare!”

Kate McKinnon: [ with an Irish lilt ] “She can do an Irish lilt!”

Vanessa Bayer: [ with a Scottish brogue ] “She can do a Scottish brogue!”

Kate McKinnon: “Was that supposed to be a Scottish brogue?”

[ cut to Kendrick with Beck Bennett ]

Anna Kendrick: Bonjour!

Beck Bennett: Hello!

Anna Kendrick: “I love your costume!” [ she runs over to Cecily Strong ] “Bonjour!”

Cecily Strong: Hi there!

Anna Kendrick: “I love your face!” [ she runs to Aidy Bryant ]

Aidy Bryant: “My wig! My wig! My wig is missing!

Anna Kendrick: Have you checked the top of your own head?

[ Aidy nods and runs, as Taran Killam runs forward ]

Taran Killam: Ahhhh, Anna!

Anna Kendrick: Good evening, Taran! I wanted to tell you how much I like your part in that restaurant sketch!

Taran Killam: The one where I’m a waiter with no lines?

Anna Kendrick: Is that the one? It’s my FAVORITE part of the whole entire show!

Taran Killam: But I don’t say ANYTHING!

Anna Kendrick: That’s what makes you so great!

Taran Killam: [ chuckling ] Oh, well, thank you!

Anna Kendrick: No, thank YOU! Thank you SO much!

[ Kendrick runs off, as Aidy, Cecily and Kate join Taran ]

Together: [ singing ]
“Oh, there she goes, she’s full of wide-eyed wonder!
It’s her first time at SNL!
She’s a Tony nominee
and an Oscar nominee
I just hope she knows that we don’t pay that well!!”

[ Kendrick is worked over by make-up artists ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“Ohhhhhhhhhh, isn’t this amazing?
Who’d have ever thought that this could beeeeee?”

[ she stands behind Lorne Michaels, as he watches the cast on a monitor ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“I’m herrrrrrrrrrre!
With Lorne Michaels watching…”

[ Lorne turns to reveal that he’s really on his cellphone ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“I can tell that he’s really liking this and liking meeeeeee!”

[ she leans against Lorne’s back as he walks away ]

Cast: [ singing ]
“Look! Here she comes, it’s lovely Anna Kendrick!
And she is hosting SNL!
The rumor is a fact!
She’s singing and that’s that!
It’s gonna be a real good show!
A funny and an awesome show
A magical, exciting showwwwwwwww
Toniiiiiiiiiight!!”

Anna Kendrick: We have a great show for you tonight! Pharrell Williams is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anna Kendrick: 04/05/14: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17




13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Goodnights

…..Anna Kendrick

Anna Kendrick: Thank you to Pharrell Williams, Hans Zimmer, Ikona Pop! Thank you, Lorne Michaels, and thanks to the cast! And Happy Birthday to Pharrell Williams!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anna Kendrick: 04/05/14: Flirty



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17














13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Flirty

Evan…..Kyle Mooney
Sara…..Vanessa Bayer
Guy…..Beck Bennett

[ open on Sara walking with groceries down apartment hallway ]

[ Evan steps out of his apartment ]

Evan: Oh… hey! Sara!

Sara: Heyyyy!

Evan: Nice to see you!

Sara: It’s so great to see you, too!

Evan: You look, um… AMAZING! As always!

Sara: Thank you!

Evan: I mean, I’m sorry… maybe I’m being too…

Sara: No, no, no! You look like maybe you’re going to the gym…

Evan: Oh… yeah! I gotta go… work out…

Sara: That’s not a surprise! It totally looks like you… work out! [ he laughs ] And you’ve got a great personality!

Evan: Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah — Look who I’m talking to, huh! Miss Perfect. [ they laugh ] This might sound weird… uh… Would you ever want to maybe, like… I don’t know… get… you know… [ awkward pause ] more groceries…? Uh, uh… for you…

Sara: Uh… yeah…!

Evan: …’cause maybe you want to… go get some more…?

Sara: Oh…

Evan: …in case you run out…?

Sara: Yeah! O-of course! Um… you know what they say, um… “More food… more, uh… attitude.”

Evan: Yeah! I think I read that… on a… bumper… sticker… or something?

Sara: Okay.

Evan: I should go!

Sara: Uh… yeah. Of course.

Evan: See you, Sara.

Sara: Yeah. Yeah.

[ Evan shirks away, as Sara regrets the missed opportunity ]

[ dissolve to Evan washing his clothes at the laundromat, as Sara enters ]

Sara: Oh.

Evan: Oh… hey. Sara!

Sara: Hey!

Evan: [ holding his dirty underwear ] Oh. No! My… I got poop on my underwear!

Sara: Oh…

Evan: No, no, no! I’m not gonna lie to you!

Sara: [ laughing ] I feel like I always have… poop… on my underwear!

Evan: No!

Sara: Unavoidable!

Evan: Two… poos in a pod! [ they laugh ] Listen, Sara, uh… gosh, this is dumb! Uhhh… I… I just wanted you to know that… I really, really, really… REALLY… like… you… uuuuuth soccer…?

Sara: Oh! Oh… uh… me, too! Um… good for the kids, you know, to, uh…

Evan: Yeah!

Sara: …be out in the fresh air.

Evan: Yeah! Getting exercise, and, uh…

[ Sara leans in, as though closing in for a kiss, and then: ]

Sara: Sorry, uh… just have to get to this machine.

Evan: Yeah! I needed to, uh…

Sara: Yeah.

Evan: You know what? I think I left, uh… my… walllll… phone. My wall and my cell phone! I sound like an idiot!

Sara: And I… should go do laundry!

Evan: Yeah!

Sara: So… um…

Evan: I’ll see ya’!

[ dissolve to next day, as Sara walks down the hall ]

Evan: Sara! Wait! [ she turns ] Hey. I-I-I just gotta say this: Do you wanna go…?

[ suddenly, another Guy enters the hall ]

Guy: Hey, Sara! Do you wanna have sex with me right now?

Sara: Sure!

Guy: Awesome! I guess I’ll just go get set up and… give myself a boner.

Sara: Okay! Great! [ he exits ] Um… Evan? What were you… gonna ask me?

Evan: [ he shrugs ] Do you want to go on a date with me?

Sara: I… would LOVE to! Um… and, and… I don’t know, would you want to go on that date, um… tonight?

Evan: YES!! I mean… Yes. That would be awesome.

[ the guy reappears in the hallway ]

Guy: I’m ready NOW!!

Sara: Okay.

Guy: Come on! [ he exits into his apartment ]

Sara: Okay, well, uh… I’m just gonna go fuck this guy, and then… we’ll go on our date!

[ she follows into the other guy’s apartment ]

Evan: See ya’! [ to himself ] Yes! She’s going on a date… with me!

[ he jumps into the air ]

[ freeze-frame ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anna Kendrick: 04/05/14: Big Joe



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17


















13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Big Joe

Brother…..Bobby Moynihan
Sara…..Anna Kendrick
Big Joe…..Taran Killam
Black Guy…..Kenan Thompson
Red…..Kyle Mooney
Boy…..John Milhiser
Little Girl…..Noel Wells
Dutch…..Beck Bennett

[ open on explosion behind the hills ]

Brother: Helllllp! Help! Somebody, hellllp!

Sara: Dear Lord, Daniel! What happened here?!

Brother: Oh, the mine! It came down on me! Ooh, it hurts something awful!

Sara: Oh, we need to get you to a doctor! Can you get up?

Brother: Ain’t no good! These rocks done pinned my legs!

Sara: Ohhh…! Help! Someone, help! Anyone! My brother’s trapped! [ townspeople run forward ] Oh, well, don’t just stand there! Someone, please! Can anyone lift thiese rocks?!

[ Big Joe lurches forward ]

Big Joe: [ deep-voiced ] I’lllll do it!

Sara: Big Joe? Are you sure? Have you ever picked up something this heavy?

Big Joe: From time to tiiiiiime!

Sara: If you save my brother, I’ll be FOREVER in your debt!

Big Joe: I’d do anything for you, Miss Sara.

Sara: Oh, Big Joe! Hang in their, Daniel — Joe’s gonna save ya’!

Big Joe: Alright, now! Everybody stand baaaaack! [ he slaps his hands together ] Here goooooes! [ he squats and attempts to pick up a large rock, then stands back up ] I can’t do it!

Sara: What?! Are you sure?

Big Joe: It can’t be doooooone!

Sara: You didn’t try for very long!

Big Joe: He gonna diiiie!

Brother: Well, I don’t WANNA die!

Red: We won’t let you, Daniel! Let ME give a try!

Big Joe: It ain’t no use! If Big Joe can’t do it —

[ Red lifts one of the rocks ]

Red: I got it!

Big Joe: Alright, well… That’s good, he got a little rock!

Brother: Come on! Keep on going, Red!

Big Joe: No, no, Red! Uh, Big Joe! I’ll do it! [ he squats to lift a large rock grunts, then stands ] No, I can’t! I can’t do it!

Sara: Joe, why don’t you sit back and give Red another try?

Big Joe: No, Miss Sara, it won’t do no good. Your brother’s DOOMED! I’ll crush his skull. [ he raises one leg ]

Sara: NO! That’s my brother! I’m gonna get you out of there, Daniel!

Big Joe: Careful, Miss Sara…!

Brother: [ she grabs a rock and lifts it aside ]

Sara: Oh! That was easy!

Big Joe: Uhhhh… I loosened that one — I get credit!

Sara: Line up, everybody! Just grab a rock, and let’s get Daniel out of here!

Big Joe: The rest of these rocks are STUCK! Ain’t going NOWHERE!

Black Guy: [ lifting rock ] I got this one!

Big Joe: Okay, go ahead! That wasn’t anything —

Boy: [ lifting rock ] I’ll get this one!

Big Joe: Okay, well, he’s skinny, okay…

Little Girl: [ grabbing largest rock ] I want to help!

Big Joe: Careful, little girl! Ohhhh, wowwww…

Brother: Hey, Big Joe? Maybe you can’t lift the rock because you’ve got some kind of bone disease!

Big Joe: Bone disease? Like what took my Pop?

Brother: Oh boy…

[ Dutch enters ]

Dutch: Hey there, Big Joe. Why don’t you have a seat. [ he removes his hat ] I’ll get the rest, Miss Sara.

Sara: The rest look pretty heavy, Dutch. You sure you can handle it?

Dutch: As sure as I am that you’re a vision.

Big Joe: I’ll do it!!

Sara: No, Joe — You’re tired.

Big Joe: No, I got a second wind!

Dutch: You’re looking mighty weak, Joe!

[ music sting ]

Big Joe: What did you say?

Dutch: Don’t mean no offense. You just looking very, very, very weak.

Big Joe: DON’T… NO-BODY… CALL… ME… WEEEEEEAAAKKKK!!

[ Big Joe squats down to the lift the rock, then remains in place as a series of sunsets and sunrises elapse ]

Sara: Joe?

Big Joe: [ standing ] I just can’t do it!

Sara: We know, Joe. Uh — Dutch and I are getting married today!

Big Joe: What about your brother?

Sara: He got out a while ago, Joe.

Big Joe: Oh.

Sara: He’s marrying us.

Brother: I got ordained!

Sara: Joe? Would you be our ring bearer?

Big Joe: Wellll… it’s not my first choice… but it would be my honor. [ Sara hands him the ring pillow, as he topples to the ground ] CAN’T DO IT!!

[ cut to all three men ]

Together: [ singing ]
“Well, his heart was big and his bones are brittle
But there ain’t nobody better on a fiddle!”

[ Big Joe lurches forward with a fiddle and squeaks out a tune ]

Big Joe: I can’t do it!

Together: [ singing ] “Big Joooooooooe!!”

[ iris out on Big Joe ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Anna Kendrick: 04/05/14




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


April 5th, 2014

Anna Kendrick

Pharrell Williams

None

Lorne Michaels

Icona Pop

Hans Zimmer

None
GM HearingsSummary: General Motors CEO Mary Barra (Kate McKinnon) remains vague about her company’s recent ignition switch recall.

Montage

Anna Kendrick’s MonologueSummary: Anna Kendrick and the cast perform a Broadway-style medley about how excited she is to host “SNL”.

Transcript

Fox & FriendsSummary: Steve Doocey (Taran Killam), Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) and Elizabeth Hasselback (Vanessa Bayer) discuss the Obamacare deadline disaster with survivor Bethany Ravenal (Anna Kendrick), as well as global warming with science guy Neil deGrasse Tyson (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocey, Brian Kilmeade, Elizabeth Hasselback.

Dongs All Over the World Summary: Group of girls have the nasty idea to travel the globe in search of “Dongs All Over the World.”

The Little MermaidSummary: Ursula (Aidy Bryant) wants Ariel’s (Anna Kendrick) voice, until she discovers the little mermaid is tone-deaf when it comes to singing.

FlirtySummary: Evan (Kyle Mooney) shies his way around asking his neighbor Sara (Vanessa Bayer) for a date.

Transcript

Pharrell Williams performs “Happy”

Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin JostSummary: German chancellor Angela Merkel (Kate McKinnon) recalls her recent dealings with Russian president Vladmir Putin. To help explain the importance of drinking responsibly, Brooks Wheelan tells an anecdote about the time he got drunk and his friends put butter in his pants. George R.R. Martin (Bobby Moynihan) admits he’s out of good ideas for his “Game of Thrones” books.

Recurring Characters: Angela Merkel.

Les Jeunes de ParisSummary:

Principal FryeSummary: Principal Frye (Jay Pharoah) and the Vice-Principal (Vanessa Bayer) address students during a field trip to the Norfolk Zoo.

Pharrell Williams performs “Marilyn Monroe”

Big JoeSummary: Big Joe (Taran Killam) wants to save Miss Sara’s (Anna Kendrick) brother (Bobby Moynihan) but is unable to lift the huge rocks.

Transcript

AuditionSummary: Layla Burke (Anna Kendrick) and her tone-deaf sister Cammy (Vanessa Bayer) audition to appear in Pharrell Williams’ next music video.

NCAA Tourney: Best of the White GuysSummary: Mundane basketball clips showcase white player in action.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts