Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Johnny Two Tones

Girlfriend…..Vanessa Bayer
Boyfriend…..Bobby Moynihan
Tammy…..Nasim Pedrad
Dee Dee…..Aidy Bryant
Brenda…..Jennifer Lawrence
Other Couple…..Taran Killam, Cecily Strong
Donnie…..Bill Hader

[ open on interior, Johnny Two Tones ]

Girlfriend: I can’t beleive I’ve never eaten here!

Boyfriend: Yeah! It’s the BEST! It’s like taking a time machine back to Mel’s Diner. And the best part is — all the waitresses are rude to you, ON PURPOSE! Watch!

[ Waitress Tammy appears ]

Tammy: Hey, welcome to Johnny Two Tones! Oh! Where’d you get that shirt, hon? — Abercrombie & YICK?! Oof! [ the couple laughs ] Okay. Someone will be back to take your order — Don’t hold your breath! [ she throws menus on the table ] Ah, on second though — DO hold it! Pee-yoo! [ she exits ]

Girlfriend: [ laughing ] That was a RIOT! She was SO darn sassy!

Boyfriend: Yeah, maximum sass! Look — here comes another one!

[ Waitress Dee Dee appears ]

Dee Dee: Oh, great — Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dump! What can I getcha?

Girlfriend: Okay — I’ll have the Patty Melt and a Coke.

Dee Dee: A terrible choice.

Boyfriend: Yeah — and I’ll have a root beer float and the meat loaf.

Dee Dee: Oh! One loaf for the big oaf. [ she collects their menus and exits ]

Girlfriend: [ laughing ] This is a delight!

Boyfriend: I know! I told you, right?

Girlfriend: [ looking up, as Waitress Brenda appears ] Here we go!

Boyfriend: Uh-oh!

[ Brenda pours water in their glasses without a word ]

Boyfriend: Thank you!

Girlfriend: Great!

Boyfriend: Hey, aren’t you gonna… hurl insults at us?

Brenda: [ glaring at him ] You’re stupid. [ she turns to glare at Vanessa ] And I HATE you. [ she exits ]

Girlfriend: [ shrugging ] Well… she was not as fun.

Boyfriend: Yeahhhh… sge mught be new. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her here before.

[ Dee Dee returns with their drinks ]

Dee Dee: Okay — we’ve got a Coke and a root beer, and speaking of roots — Honey, I could see yours coming from a mile away!

Boyfriend: [ laughing ] She got you! [ to Dee Dee ] Hey, can I get a straw?

Dee Dee: Ugh! Hey, Brenda — could you get these turkeys some straws?

[ Brenda re-enters sullenly with the straws ]

Brenda: You’re trash! You’re BOTH trash! And the saddest part… is that you know… that all you are… is garbage.

Boyfriend: [ stunned ] Okay… yeah… cool, that was a good one…

[ she crumbles a straw wrapper in her hand and tosses it into Boyfriend’s Coke ]

Brenda: That water is from the toilet. [ she circles Bobby and glares at him ]

Girlfriend: You know what? I’m sure she’s just kidding.

Boyfriend: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Totally! Totally!

[ Tammy re-appears ]

Tammy: Okay, numbskulls — you ready for your grub?

Boyfriend: I guess.

Tammy: Good! Brenda’s got it right here!

Boyfriend: Okay… alright.

[ Brenda re-appears, coughing into their plates of food ]

Girlfriend: Um — this looks great.

Brenda: You peaked in high school, and now you’ll sleep with anyone who’ll ask.

Girlfriend: Okay.

Brenda: [ to Boyfriend ] And you’re gonna DIE! In your BATHROOM!

Boyfriend: Wait — like Elvis?

Brenda: Yeah! Except NO ONE will miss you! [ she flings his food in his face ] Enjoy your lunch. [ she exits ]

Boyfriend: Come on, with the mashed potatoes! [ he tastes it ] Okay, these are NOT mashed potatoes.

[ Dee Dee re-appears ]

Dee Dee: Okay, ding-a-lings, how’s your food? Not like I care!

Boyfriend: Actually, you know what? I think we’re gonna leave.

Dee Dee: Oh? Why?

Girlfriend: Well, Brenda kinda tore us a new one.

Dee Dee: What? Brenda’s our most popular waitress.

[ reveal Brenda yukking it up with another couple, then she holds up a sharp knife at Bobby ]

Boyfriend: Oh, that does not make me feel better.

Girlfriend: Yeah. We’d like to talk to the manager — right now.

Dee Dee: Okay. Have it your way. [ calling ] Donnie!

[ Donnie saunters forward ]

Donnie: Heeeeeyyyy, I’m Donnie! Da manager! Is there a problem?

Boyfriend: Well… we’re kind of unhappy with our service, Donnie.

Donnie: I’m sorry. You know what? How about if we give you guys some free desserts?

Girlfriend: Oh! That’s something!

Boyfriend: That’s actually very nice of you. Thank you, we appreciate that.

Donnie: Okay. [ calling ] BRENDA!! Come back here!

Boyfriend: [ to Vanessa ] You see? It’s a good place, it’s a good place.

[ Brenda returns with sundaes ]

Boyfriend: Oh, nice! A little sundae…

Girlfriend: Cool!

[ Brenda squirts whipped cream into Bobby’s hair, as Donnie follows suit with Vanessa’s hair ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Jennifer Lawrence’s Monologue

…..Jennifer Lawrence
Tommy Lee Jones…..Bill Hader

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jennifer Lawrence!

Jennifer Lawrence: Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you! It’s so GREAT to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I have had an AMAZING week! On Sunday, I was in Los Angeles, where I was honored to win a Golden Globe for “Silver Linings Playbook”. [ the audience applauds ] Thank you. It was really exciting, because I have two older brothers, and my whole life they have tormented me, beaten me up, and taken my things. So when I won, I just couldn’t wait to rub it in their faces — and, as soon as I did, they beat me up and took my Golden Globe. So that’s gone.

But the best part about awards show isn’t the awards. It’s all the people you get to meet. And there was one person who was SO much fun at The Globes, that I asked him to come here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the most FUN person I’ve ever met — Tommy Lee Jones!

[ reveal Tommy Lee Jones staring stoicly in the front row with a frown on his face ]

Jennifer Lawrence: Tommy! Do you remember at dinner, when you took that piece of baby corn and ate it like it was regular corn? [ she laughs ] How funny was that!

[ Jones’ expression remains unchanged ]

Jennifer Lawrence: And remember, when we were dancing? What did you call your little dance — the, uh… The Tommy Shuffle? Do The Tommy Shuffle for everyone! Come on, do it!

[ Jones relunctantly bobs his head back and forth ]

Jennifer Lawrence: He’s the BEST! Such a great energy!

Now, one thing happened at The Globes that I need to clarify: During my acceptance speech, I said “I beat Meryl”, which is a quote from “The First Wives Club”. But which some people took as me trash-talking Meryl Styreep, which is crazy. I would NEVER trash-talk any of my fellow nominees at The Golden Globes. But the Oscars are another story. Ladies, I love you all… but you’re about to get served!

[ image appears ] Well, well, well — Look who it is! Jessica Chastain. More like “Jessica Chast-ain’t Winning No Oscar On MY Watch!” In “Zero Dark Thirty”, you caught bin Laden. So what? In “Qinter’s Bone”, I caught a squirrel — and then I ATE IT! BOOM!! Deal with THAT! Also… [ she turns serious ] Every time I see you act, I learn something new.

Who’s next? [ image appears ] If it isn’t my friend — Naomi Watts. You were in “The Impossible”. You know what else is impossible? You beating me on Oscar Night! “Naomi Watts Her Problem? She gonna lose!” Oh, and, Naomi — [ she turns serious ] You are AMAZING in everything you do.

Alright, who’s next? [ image appears ] Oh, it’s 9-year old Quvenzhané Wallis You think you can beat me?! “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Wallis?” Also: The Alphabet called; they want their letters back. Ka-bam! [ she turns serious ] Quvenzhané, I saw “Beasts of the Southern Wild”, and you are a revelation.

[ image appears ] Emmanuelle Riva, from “Amour”. [ laughing ] An 85-year old French lady! Um… yeah! I think I can take you! You know what I say to your Oscar chances, Emmanuelle Riva? “Emmanuelle Riva-derci!”

[ Tommy Lee Jones laughs ]

Jennifer Lawrence: Tommy likes it! Tommy loves it. [ to Jones ] You coming to the after party? [ he he reverts to his stoic stare ] Hot and cold with that guy. We’ve got a great show for you tonight! The Lumineers are here. Stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Love Letters

Madeline Cook…..Jennifer Lawrence
Greg Dorfman…..Tim Robinson
Abraham Lincoln…..Bill Hader

Announcer: [ over black-and-white footage ] The Civil War rages into its fourth summer, as two lovers exchange a series of letters. Here, now, is the correspondence between Madeline Cook of Birmingham and her fiancee, Private Greg Dorfman of the 11th Vermont Infantry.

[ dissolve to Madeline writing her letter ]

Madeline Cook: “My Dearest Gregory… I long for your touch, your tender embrace. And I pray for the Good Lord to end this cursed war and return you safely to my arms. Your Love, Madeline.”

[ cut to Gregory writing his response in an outdoor tent ]

Gregory Dorfman: “Dear Madeline… Hey, what’s up! I miss your body so much. Oh, my God, you’re so hot! What else can I tell you? Oh! We took a picture of our unit yesterday, with a real camera and everything! We had to stand still for like five minutes. I had my BALLS out the entire time!”

[ dissolve to group photo of soldiers, with Greg pointing at his exposed pixellated balls ]

Gregory Dorfman: “The General said I ruined the picture, but… whatever! He hates me. Hey! You should send a tit pic, or something. I’m getting SUPER horny. Later!”

[ cut to Madeline ]

Madeline Cook: “My Darling Gregory… my heart leapt when your letter arrived. But, I must confess: I would like you to make an effort and more eloquently share your feelings with me. For my love for you could fill the deepest ocean. Yours Forever, Madeline.”

[ cut to Gregory ]

Gregory Dorfman: “Dear Madeline: I’m not gonna lie. I was little disappointed when I opened your letter and didn’t see a tit pic. I told a lot of people it was coming. I looked like a real horse’s ass. Oh! I forgot to tell you! Yesterday, I saw this guy get his HEAD blown off! [ he laughs to himself ] In conclusion… the TIT PIC! Make it happen! PEACE!!”

[ cut to Madeline ]

Madeline Cook: “Dearest Gregory… as I look upon the leaves and the oak tree outside my window –” [ she scratches this out and starts over ] “You know, I feel I must address this “tit pic” issue. It’s NOT gonna happen! Let it go! I’m starting to think we may just be two different people, going in two different directions.”

[ cut to Gregory sitting in a hospital bed ]

Gregory Dorfman: “Dear Madeline. Um… are you breaking up with me? Well, you’re gonna feel like an ASS! Because I was SHOT! For treason! It’s a long story… I showed some guy a map or something, then everybody got PISSED and they shot me. Please don’t break up with me. And, more importantly — please reconsider the T.P.!”

[ cut to Madeline ]

Madeline Cook: “Gregory… we are through. Harold Thompson has returned honorably from battle. I have accepted his proposal of marriage and BURNED the photograph you sent me of your genitals with the inscription: “Now, you.””

[ cut to Gregory ]

Gregory Dorfman: “Dear Madeline: Okay, I get it! Clear as day! You don’t want any part of me — fine! Juat need to ask you a favor: Please go to my mother’s house in Bakersfield. Tell her I love her. Then go in the basement. There’s a camera down there. Set it up… take your shirt off… take a picture… send that picture to ME! It’s the least you could do. Well, this is MY last breath!”

[ Gregory’s body jolts as he lays dead across his bed ]

[ suddenly, Abraham Lincoln enters the frame, feels Gregory’s pulse, then turns to the camera and cries ]

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Gregory, with CAPTION: “Private Gregory Dorfman: 1836-1864” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Post Hunger Games News Conference

Seneca Crane…..Bill Hader
Peeta Mellark…..Taran Killam
Katniss Everdeen…..Jennifer Lawrence
Reporter #1…..Kenan Thompson
Reporter #2…..Bobby Moynihan
Reporter #3…..Tim Robinson
Reporter #4…..Cecily Strong
Reporter #5…..Jay Pharoah

Announcer: [ over stock film footage ] Congratulations to the winners of The Hunger Games! — Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark!

[ dissolve to title card: “10 Minutes Later” ]

[ open to Katniss and Peeta seated with Seneca Crane at a news conference ]

Seneca Crane: Thank you for coming to the Post Hunger Games press conference. Catniss and Petta — our winners — will be happy to answer your few brief questions.

Reporter #1: Uh, yeah, over here?

Katniss Everdeen: Yes?

Reporter #1: Uh, if you don’t mind my asking, um… What the hell kind of name is “Katniss Everdeen”?

Katniss Everdeen: Well… Everdeen is an old District 12 name, and… “Katniss”, my grandmother came up with. She had a pretty severe speech impediment, and we never really knew if that was what she had in mind. [ she looks over ] Yes?

Reporter #2: Yeah, Katniss — I really enjoyed your performance out there today.

Katniss Everdeen: Thank you.

Reporter #2: I found it helped take my mind off the constant, crippling hunger I feel every day. I’m just absolutely starving all the time.

Katniss Everdeen: [ chuckling ] Been there!

Reporter #2: Yeah. So, my question is — and maybe you’re not the best person to ask: Is there going to be a buffet or a boxed lunch after this press event?

Seneca Crane: I think we made it very clear… that there would be no refreshments today.

Katniss Everdeen: Yes?

Reporter #3: Uhhh — first of all, Congratulations.

Katniss Everdeen: Thanks.

Peeta Mellark: [ meekly ] Thank you.

Reporter #3: Uh… I was talking to Katniss.

Peeta Mellark: [ meekly ] Sorry.

Reporter #3: Did you have a chance to speak with any of the other competitors after the game? If so, What was their mood?

[ Katniss and Peeta stare at one another ]

Katniss Everdeen: They’re all dead…

Reporter #3: [ stunned ] Really? All of them?

Katniss Everdeen: Yes.

Reporter #3: [ confused ] Is that… unusual?

Katniss Everdeen: No. That’s how The Hunger Games work.

Reporter #3: Uhhh… my apologies. I usually cover the GOLF beat! [ he laughs nervously ] Our HUnger Games guy is on vacation, so…

Katniss Everdeen: [ glancing over ] Yes?

Reporter #2: Yes. Is it possible to get some branches or roots to gnaw on? Because I am SOOO hungry.

Seneca Crane: There will be no food. Not even branches.

Reporter #4: Uh… question for Katniss. Obviously, one of the key moments is when you killed that girl from Distrct 1, with genetically-engineered wasps. Uh — can you take us through that?

Katniss Everdeen: Well, it was pretty basic — I was high up in a tree, directly above her… the wasps’ nest was on a branch; I sawed it off, and the nest landed right on her. Just like we drew it up in practice.

Reporter #4: Perfect execution.

Katniss Everdeen: Well, you gotta give a lot of credit to the wasps — they were great.

Seneca Crane: Guys… can we try to get a couple of questions for Peeta here? [ Peeta meekly raises his hand ] Just one question for, uh, for Peeta?

Reporter #1: Uh, yeah, over here. Uh, Peeta — You got a leg injury on the second day, and then you decided to disgusuie yourself with paint, to look like a rock.

Peeta Mellark: That’s right.

Reporter #1: Now… when you did that, were you thinking: “This is cool. People at home or gonna be really into this.” Or, were you thinking: “This stinks! I stink at this!”

Peeta Mellark: What? Well, I mean, there’s more to the games than manly aggression or testosterone. Sometimes you have to use your guile and cunning.

Reporter #1: By painting yourself like a rock?!

Seneca Crane: [ sternly ] I think he answered that question! Let’s keep this moving. [ he looks among the reporters ] Yes?

Reporter #5: Uh, uh, uh, yeah — There’s been a lot of talk recently about PEDs. Uh, Katniss, uh — Have you been using performance-enhancing drugs?

Katniss Everdeen: Absolutely not.

Reporter #5: Okay, uh — follow-up for Peeta: Have you been using performance-reducing drugs? [ Reporter #1 guffaws loudly ] I’m just playing! I’m just playing!

Seneca Crane: Does anybody else have a question?

Reporter #3: Uhhhh — I have one. Uh… what’s with your BEARD?!

Seneca Crane: [ scrunching his eyes ] My beard?

Reporter #3: No — the other guy with an insane beard. Yeah, YOU!!

Seneca Crane: I’m not here to talk about my beard.

Reporter #1: Oh, yeah — I bet you HATE it when people talk about your beard!

Seneca Crane: We just had the first Hunger Games in history with two winners. NO ONE wants to ask about that?

Reporter #1: Oh, well, I will! Uh — There are allegations that you pretended to be in love so that you both could win. Uh, how do you address that?

Katniss Everdeen: Ugh! You gotta ignore rumors like that. We are TOTALLY in love.

Reporter #1: [ skeptical ] Really?

Katniss Everdeen: Why is that so hard to believe?

Reporter #1: Well, for one — you’re so much taller than him.

Katniss Everdeen: I’m not that much taller than him.

Reporter #1: Well, then, stand up!

Katniss Everdeen: Fine. [ she stands ]

Peeta Mellark: [ not moving ] And I’ve been standing this whole time.

Seneca Crane: That’s it! No more questions!

Reporter #2: [ quickly ] When you shave, can I eat the beard?!

Seneca Crane: This press conference is OVER!

[ the short Peeta hobbles away from the table, as Katniss and Seneca follow suit ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Goodnights

…..Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence: Thank you to The Lumineers! And to NBC, Lorne Michaels, my family… thank you![ she waves goodbye ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Girlfriends Talk Show

Kyra…..Cecily Strong
Morgan….Aidy Bryant
Jessy….Jennifer Lawrence

[ open on theme montage ]

Theme Song:
“Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout guys and stuff!
Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout cute guys and clothes!
Girlfriends Talk Show!”

[ dissolve to Morgan and Kyra on set ]

Kyra: Oh, my God, hi. Welcome to “Girlfriends Talk Show”. This is my best friend, and co-host, Morgan.

Morgan: And this is my best friend, Kyra. And, um, I’m not sure what this girl is about.

[ camera pans right to reveal a punk-looking girl ]

Kyra: Awesome. Please welcome the coolest new girl in school, Jessy!

Jessy: Here I am, I guess. This is 100% Jessy. Deal with it.

Kyra: [ laughs ] Jessy’s gonna be co-hosting the show with us.

Morgan: Really, Kyra? Nobody told me about this at all.

Kyra: Awesome. Jessy’s in a punk band.

Jessy: Our band is called Vag Hat. Does that scare anyone?

Morgan: Yes.

Kyra: So edgy. [ looks to Morgan ] Morgan, why are you wearing your coat?

Morgan: Um, because I’m cold and it’s an outer slimming garment.

Jessy: Sh’yah. It looks like a mom coat.

[ Kyra and Jessy laugh ]

Morgan: Okay. Well, how about you tell that to Turlington Coat Barn because it was definitely in the teens fashion department.

Jessy: I don’t think they have one in New York, where I’ve been two or three times.

Kyra: Awesome. Okay. First topic?

Jessy: Piercings!

Morgan: Stickers! [ pulls out a sheet of stickers ]

Kyra: [ looking at Morgan ] Piercings.

Jessy: I already have three piercings. My eyebrow and both my ears.

Kyra: My boyfriend won’t let me get piercings. My boyfriend’s older. Yesterday, he made me stand behind an empty frame like a portrait for, like, five hours while he stared at me and ate Caesar salad. [ shrugs and shakes her head ] My boyfriend’s crazy!

Jessy: I might dump my boyfriend because I’m thinking about being bi. Everyone in New York is bi because they’re in such a rush. They’re like “I’m in a hurry, let’s do this, whatever.” I actually heard someone in New York say that. I’ve been there like two or three times. It’s a great place to get a piercing.

Kyra: Morgan can’t get her belly button pierced ‘cus she has an outie.

Morgan: I do not!

Kyra: Yeah. That’s, that’s what that’s called.

Morgan: [ Sounding a bit aggravated ] Well, okaaay then I dooo. So cool it.

Kyra: Awesome. New topic.

Jessy: Make out parties!

Morgan: Guinea pigs!

Jessy: [ scoffs ] Guinea pigs? What cool person has guinea pigs anymore?

Morgan: Um, my family? Yeah, my family breeds them. We have four. [ listing names off her fingers ] Elizabeth, Bartlet, Gordon, and Dàvid. [ the last name is pronounced in a faux French accent ] Yeah, they make great pets.

Kyra: You don’t even have Dàvid anymore. He bit a baby so you guys had to put him to sleep.

Morgan: I know but I don’t really want to talk about it so [ making peace signs with her hands ] RIP Dàvid.

Jessy: Guinea pigs are gross. Don’t they, like, poop little pellets?

Morgan: Um, you *wish* you pooped little pellets!

Kyra: Awesome. Make outs! Who you you want to make out with?

Jessy: I dunno. I might want to make out with a girl. I’m not sure. Just depends on how cool it makes me look. I, uh, might even wanna make out with someone in this room.

[ Kyra laughs a bit coy ]

Morgan: Oh God, I know it’s me. Pass. I have a boyfriend.

Kyra: Morgan’s new boyfriend talks like a girl. That’s ’cause he’s in seventh grade and his voice hasn’t changed yet.

Morgan: Um, and I hope it never does because he has a voice like an angel voice!

Jessy: Why is your boyfriend so young? Are you a cougar?

[ Kyra and Jessy laugh, exchanging a high five ]

Morgan: Um, no. I’m not a cougar. Do these human fingers look like paws? [ she lifts her hands before bobbing her head, proud at her answer ]

Kyra: Morgan, chill out.

Morgan: No! I’m not chilled out! I’m getting hot and I’m getting mad!

Kyra: Well, why don’t you just take your coat off, then?

Morgan: Okay. [ She starts unbuttoning her coat ] But just for the record, this show was *my* idea. [With her coat off, she reveals she’s wearing a guinea pig pin on her blouse ]

Jessy: We were just joshing and jiving with you.

Kyra: Okay? Awesome.

Morgan: Um, much better. Yep-a-roo. [ She adjusts her pin ]

Kyra: Okay. Before we go, Jessy, do you have anything you wanna plug?

Jessy: Yeah. Vag Hat is playing in the basement of the Grace Unitarian Church this Friday at eight. It’s a very New York looking church.

Morgan: Um, well I *won’t* be able to make it because Fridays are my time with our one female guinea pig. She’s super worn out from breeding so I’ll be hanging with her!

Kyra: Awesome. Later, bye!

Morgan: Bye!

[The three girls wave goodbye ]

Theme Song: “Girlfriends Talk Show!”

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Top Dog Chef

Padma Leash Me…..Nasim Perdad
Scout…..Bill Hader
Bailey…..Jennifer Lawrence
Hershey……Bobby Moynihan
Judge Tom Collie-cio…..Jason Sudeikis
Judge Mario Barktali…..Fred Armisen
Cat…..Vanessa Bayer

[ snappy music plays over a graphic for the ‘Dog Channel’ ]

Announcer: You’re watching the Dog Channel. For dogs, by dogs. [ a schedule appears listing each program as it’s announced ] At eight, it’s ‘How Do Doors Work?’ Followed by ‘Get Down Here Bird!’ But now, back to ‘Top Dog Chef’.

[ typical ‘Top Chef’ intro of various contestants, dressed up as dogs, play over the show announcer ]

Show Announcer: The best dog chefs from around the country have come here to compete in our kitchen. But only one can be: ‘Top Dog Chef’.

[ cue title card then cut to host ]

Padma Leash Me: Welcome, dog chefs. I’m Padma Leash Me. We started with twelve contestants and now we are down to three. Many were eliminated. Some ran away. And one had to be put down. Now it’s time to face the judges. Here’s Tom Collie-cio.

Tom Collie-cio: Dog chefs. [ brief cut to three dogs at the cooking station who seem to be excited ] Your challenge was to create a dish using only ingredients from this torn open garbage bag. [ cut to a torn open garbage bag on the floor ] And we didn’t make it easy. At random intervals we rang a doorbell. And I’ll say this again: no one who rings a doorbell is there to hurt you, okay? So in the future don’t freak out when you hear this.

[ doorbell rings ]

Bailey: [ flailing her arms ] Someone’s at the door!!

Hershey: I’m alerting you! I’m alerting you!

Scout: Woof! Woof!

Tom Collie-cio: [ looking around wildly ] Who’s at the door!? I’ll kill you! [ stops and comes to his senses, chuckling ] Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Oh boy. Pavlovian response, huh. Wow, that was a terrible idea.

Padma Leash Me: Chefs, moving on. Our guest judge today needs no introduction. He’s known all over the world: Mario Barktali.

[ cut to Mario Barktali at a table ]

Mario Barktali: That garbage smells amazing. I’m ready to be wowed.

Padma Leash Me: First up is Scout.

[ cut to one of those confessional-style interviews of sheepdog contestant, Scout ]

Scout: [ speaking in a southern accent] All my life I knew I’d be a chef. As a pup down south, when all the other dogs were content to just lick their balls, it was me who first said, “Why not add a little mud?” Mmm….

[ cut to the judge’s table ]

Padma Leash Me: And what have you prepared for us?

Scout: Uh, this is vomit two ways. First is a roulade of my own vomit from earlier and then there’s fresh vomit on top of that. And I’ve garnished it with a dead bird. Yes, you uh, can eat the garnish.

Mario Barktali: And on the side here, is this foam?

Scout: Yes, yes. I have rabies.

Tom Collie-cio: Well, you know, it looks excellent, Scout. And, uh, how did you decide on this presentation because it seems very-

[ cut to show Scout isn’t there anymore ]

Tom Collie-cio: Scout? Scout? Scout? Where’d he go?

[ in Scout’s confessional interview ]

Scout: [ panting ] I thought I heard a UPS truck! You know, I just booked it out of there. No warning. Ran for miles. [Bleep]ed up.

[ back to the judge’s table ]

Tom Collie-cio: Next up is Bailey.

Padma Leash Me: Bailey, what have you made for us?

Bailey: [ in a Jewish mother kind of accent ] Uh, this is my take on brunch. It is an egg shell, a candy bar wrapper, and a piece of cat poop.

[ the host and judges “oooh” at that ]

Tom Collie-cio: Great, well let’s see how you did.

[ the host and judges quickly lean forward to eat out of the bowl, making appropriate eating sounds ]

Padma Leash Me: Mmm, it’s delicious!

Mario Barktali: I totally agree. Do I taste urine?

Bailey: Yes. It has a whisper of urine.

Tom Collie-cio: Okay, well I’m impressed. Did you season this?

Bailey: [ scoffs ] No. I’m a dog.

Tom Collie-cio: Right.

Padma Leash Me: Well, it was excellent. As excellent as everything else we’ve ever eaten.

Tom Collie-cio: Well, except for that carrot that one time.

[ the host and judges all groan shake their heads at that ]

Tom Collie-cio: I didn’t know if it was food or a toy. Yeah, it was odd.

Padma Leash Me: Next up is Hershey.

[ in cinnamon poodle, Hershey’s, confessional interview ]

Hershey: [ speaking very flamboyantly ] Oh, I need this competition! I’m just one bad dish away from being sent to the pound. Don’t mess this up, Hershey! [ starts “raising the roof” ] Don’t you mess this up!

[ back to the judge’s table ]

Tom Collie-cio: How’d you do, Hershey?

Hershey: Oh, I messed this up.

Padma Leash Me: What happened to your dish? [ she holds up an empty bowl ]

Hershey: I ate it. I ate all of it. I ate the rest of hers too. I kind of ate everything. Right now there is a sock in my stomach. I’m a mess!

Padma Leash Me: Well then, we’ve made our decision. Congratulations Bailey. You’ve won this elimination challenge and… Bailey? Bailey? Are you okay?

[ Bailey is sniffing the air and walking by Hershey ]

Bailey: I smell someone’s butthole.

Hershey: Oh my God, thank you!

[ in Hershey’s confessional interview ]

Hershey: Don’t you worry about Hershey, y’all. I will be fine. I am in heat so I got a lot of plans! [ cackles ]

[ cue title graphic and show announcer ]

Show Announcer: Next week on ‘Top Dog Chef’.

[ Padma Leash Me is facing Scout and Bailey at their cooking station ]

Padma Leash Me: Today we have a special challenge. Each of you will have to team up with… a cat!

[ an angry white cat in a denim shirt walks in ]

Cat: Screw you guys!

[ Scout and Bailey start barking, yelling, and pounding the table and the cat yells and hisses right back. Cue ‘Top Dog Chef’ title card ]

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Danielle

Maurice…..Fred Armisen
Waiter…..Bill Hader
Danielle…..Jennifer Lawrence
Strange Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Claudio…..Taran Killam
Berna…..Cecily Strong
Concierge…..Kenan Thompson

[ Title card reading: ‘Cinemax: Late Night presents the 1970s softcore classic Danielle: A Free European Woman’ ]

Announcer: Coming up at 2am. The Cinemax classic, ‘Danielle: A Free European Woman’.

[ cut to shots of a presumably French beach town in hazy, 70s color tone. A French song plays and the title reads: ‘Danielle’. It’s worth noting that everything is dubbed in a rapid, stilted tone ]

[ cut to a man sitting in a restaurant ]

Maurice: Excuse me, waiter. I was thinking of going to the beach today, Do you think I will see beautiful women?

Waiter: [ laughs ] You will find that they’re everywhere here. This place is very, um…

Maurice: Sensual?

Waiter: Sensual yes.

[ both men laugh ]

Maurice: I’ll… have another coffee.

Waiter: Right away. [ he leaves ]

[ Danielle walks in accompanied by a little jaunty, whistling theme song She air kisses him from behind ]

Maurice: Danielle, where have you been? I wanted to awaken and make love to you this morning.

Danielle: Maurice, I was at the outdoor market. I saw so many grotesque things, Maurice. Pigs feet, fish faces. But the food. I found it all so…

Maurice: Sensual?

Danielle: Yes, Maurice. Sensual. A strange man. He was looking at me.

Maurice: Did he want to make love to you?

Danielle: Yes. I’m sure he did.

[ flashback to Danielle at the outdoor market ]

Strange Man: [ at a fruit stand ] Mmm, eh, you are quite beautiful. Are you alone?

[ close up of Danielle’s smiling, then slow zoom on the strange man’s face, then cut to a naked man’s torso above a woman’s torso in a dark room. End of flashback ]

Danielle: You’re not cross with me, are you, Maurice?

Maurice: Of course not, Danielle. I want you to… enjoy the pleasures of the body.

[ a couple enters the restaurant and goes over to Maurice and Danielle’s table ]

Claudio: Ahh. Danielle, Maurice. I trust you are passing a good holiday.

Maurice: Claudio, my wish is to spend my entire life as a holiday.

[ The couple chuckles ]

Claudio: This is my fourth wife, Berna.

Danielle: We saw the two of you making love on your balcony yesterday.

Claudio: Ohh…

Danielle: You seemed happy.

Berna: You speak so plainly.

Danielle: We did the same. But we were on the beach. And seals gathered all around us. Loud, smelly seals. I laughed as if I were at the zoo.

Maurice: Did you climax?

Danielle: I think I did.

[ Danielle’s theme song plays as she eats a piece of fruit coyly, cut to a woman dropping her robe, shown from the feet down. Cut back to the intrigued restaurant couple. Suddenly a bunch of kids come rushing over to the table ]

Kids: Money! Money! Money! Give me money!

Maurice: Damn pan children.

[ Danielle laughs ]

Berna: Get out of here!

Danielle: Don’t scream at them. They only want to laugh. [ she gets up from her table ] Look at me children! [ she puts a folded tablecloth napkin on as a hat and smears some cream on her nose ] I’m a buffoon!

Claudio: Ah, did you see what she did there?

[ Maurice just shakes his head and chuckles ]

Danielle: Here children, take everything. Take money. Diamonds. Take it all!

[ the kids rush off with their pan-handled goods. The others laugh again. ]

Berna: Danielle, you truly are of another world.

Maurice: [ gets up from his table ] Danielle, I think I’m falling in love with you all over again.

Claudio: Me too.

Berna: So am I.

[ close up shot of the waiter ]

Waiter: Danielle.

[ back to the two couples ]

Danielle: Let’s all take horses and ride them to the white cliffs.

Maurice: That’s a wonderful idea.

[ the concierge walks over to them ]

Maurice: Concierge?

Concierge: Yes?

Maurice: Uhh, is there a way we can hire horses to go to the cliffs?

Concierge: You have to reserve them. Almost a year in advanced.

Danielle: But it’s in the brochure.

Claudio: [ glancing at his wife ] Ah, what?

Maurice: You should let your customers know.

Concierge: I know. We are trying to amend that. My apologies.

[ the concierge leaves ]

Claudio: Yes. I think I will go upstairs and take a nap.

[ Claudio leaves and there’s a long stretch of silence ]

Maurice: [ to Berna ] Are you… staying down here?

Berna: I’m not tired.

[ another stretch of silence ]

Maurice: Let’s go upstairs and have sex in the bed.

[ Danielle gasps softly and goes all wide-eyed. Freeze frame on her face as the title ‘Danielle’ pops up beside her and her theme song plays ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts