For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 3
Goodnights
…..Daniel Craig
Daniel Craig: Thanks to Muse!
Chris Parnell: Whoo!
Daniel Craig: To Chris Parnell! To Big Bird! The cast! Thank you to the brilliant cast, to the writers, to the crew! Thanks to YOU! Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 3
First Presidential Debate
Jim Lehrer…..Chris Parnell
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on Jim Lehrer ]
Jim Lehrer: Good evening, from the Magnus Arena at the University of Denver in Denver, Colorado. I’m Jim Lehrer, anchor of the “PBS Newshour” on your local public broadcasting station. Thank you, for joining us at the FIRST of the 2012 Presidential debates between President Barack Obama, the Democratic nominee… and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, the Republican nominee. And now, let’s welcome the candidates.
[ the two candidates step out on stage and shake hands ]
Jim Lehrer: Gentlemen, welcome to you both. The first question is about the economy, and President Barack Obama, having won the coin toss, will go first. Mr. President… what are the major differences between you and Governor Romney in how you would go about creating new jobs?
President Barack Obama: Well… before I begin, uh, Jim… I, uh, first want to thank Governor Romney and, uh, University of Denver for your hospitality. Uhhhhh… there are a lot of points I want to make, uhh, tonight. Uhhhhh… but, most importantly, uhhhh, what is exactly, uhhhh — one — you know, that exactly happened, uhhhh, twenty years ago today. Uhhh… I became the luckiest man, uhhhh, on Earth… when Michelle Obama agreed to marry me. Happy Anniversary, Sweetie!
[ cut to real footage of Michell Obama looking stunned in the audience ]
President Barack Obama: Uhhhh — now, uh, four years ago, uhh, when I became President, I inherited the most, uhhhhh, WORST economic crisis in our nation’s history. Indeed, the worst crisis of ANY kind… that has ever befallen ANY country, or person EVER! Uhhhh… it was especially unfair that it should happen to me, since I’m such a likeable and yet inspirational figure. Uhhh — but, there you go! Uhhhh — that’s life!
[ cut to split-screen, as Romney looks on curiously at the rambling Obama ]
President Barack Obama: All the same, over the last few years, uhhhh… we’ve made tremendous progress, uhhh… despite the mess we’ve inherited, bringing millions of, uh, private sector jobs. Now — Governor Romney’s plan is to simply to cut taxes, uhh, for the WEALTHY! Uhhhh… I want… to hire… TEACHERS! Millions and millions of TEACHERS!
Jim Lehrer: So, then… your plan is, basically, to hire teachers?
President Barack Obama: [ nods his head and smiles like a jackass ] That’s right. Uhhhh… as many as it takes.
Jim Lehrer: Governor Romney, your response?
Mitt Romney: Well, Jim — when it comes to jobs, President Obama prefers what I call a trickle-down government solution. Now, my plan is different. It involves 41 basic elements, six rough reversals of positions, and three outright lies. Number One: Get us energy-independent, with energy produce right here in America. Number Two: Open up more trade, especially with Latin America —
[ Obama drifts off into private thoughts as Romney speaks ]
President Barack Obama V/O: The anniversary gift… I can’t believe I forgot the anniversary gift. This. Is. Bad. This is very, very bad.
[ cut to a frowning Michelle Obama in the audience ]
President Barack Obama V/O: Okay… I was distracted by the mess I inherited from Bush. But, still… I should have remembered our anniversary. [ he shakes his head in dismay ]
Mitt Romney: Number Twelve: Scale back other unnecessary regulations, to unleash the productivity of entrepreneurs.
[ Obama drifts back into his private thoughts as Romney speaks ]
President Barack Obama V/O: Okay. I will be out of here by nine o-clock, local time. I’ll have the Secret Service distract Michelle, while I hit the hotel gift shop for some kind of anniversary present. Let’s see… they had, uh, a Denver Broncos sweatshirt… [ the product appears in his thoughts ] She might like that. The hotel had soem nice bath robes for sale… [ the product appears in his thoughts ] Uh, that could be good. World’s Greatest Mom coffee mug. [ the product appears in his thoughts ] EVERYBODY likes coffee!
Mitt Romney: Number Twenty…
Jim Lehrer: Excuse me, Governor. Mr. President?
President Barack Obama: [ coming up for air ] I’m sorry, uhhh, uhhh… Yeah, yeah! What’s up?
Jim Lehrer: Mr. President, Governor Romney has just said that he killed Osama bin Laden. Would you care to respond?
President Barack Obama: Uhhh, no. You two go ahead. [ he returns to jotting down notes at his podium ]
Mitt Romney: Alright, then. Number Twenty: I would reform the tax code by eliminating pointless credits and deductions.
[ Obama drifts back into his private thoughts as Romney speaks ]
President Barack Obama V/O: Oh, boy… this altitude is starting to get to me. What is this, ten miles above sea level? I can barely keep my head up. I think I might pass out… So lightheaded… Why did I agree to Denver?
Mitt Romney: And Im sorry, Jim, uh, but Im gonna have to stop the subsidy to PBS. I like PBS. I do. I like you, too. But theres no reason for taxpayers to subsidize a television network. Number Twenty-Four…
[ Lehrer drifts into his own private thoughts as Romney speaks ]
Jim Lehrer V/O: He cant be serious about PBS! He cant! Not just losing the “PBS Newshour”, but where but on PBS can tyou find quality programming like “Antiques Roadshow” and Masterpiece Theatre” featuring “Downton Abbey”? Or special delights like “Bill Moyers Journal”? This is SO wrong! SO wrong!
President Barack Obama V/O: Air… so… thin… Can’t breathe… Losing… consciousness… [ he starts to wobble ] Must… hang… on… Hang on… for… Michelle… [ an image of his family appears in his thoughts ] For Michelle… and girls… Sasha… and, uhh… the other one. Can’t… remember… other one’s name… two digits… can’t think. Oh, yeah — Malia.
Mitt Romney: Number Thirty: I would lift ALL federal speed limits on our nation’s interstate highway. For heaven’s sake, the federal government has enough on its plate without telling private citizens how fast they can drive!
Jim Lehrer: And on that note… we have run out of time. Which brings the first of three Presidential debates to a close. I’d like to thank our participants — Governor Mitt Romney…
[ the audience cheers ]
Mitt Romney V/O: You hear that, Mitt Romney? You are a badass motherfucker!
Jim Lehrer: And President Barack Obama.
[ the audience cheers, as Obama tends to his notes ]
Jim Lehrer: Governor, can you see if he’s alright?
Mitt Romney: Uh — yeah. I’m…
[ Romney cross split-screen into Obama’s frame and taps him awake ]
President Barack Obama: I LOVE MY WIFE!! [ he makes kung-fu motions with his hands ]
Jim Lehrer: From all of us here at Denver, good night and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 3
Construction Workers
Kenan…..Kenan Thompson
Jack…..Daniel Craig
Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan
Tim…..Tim Robinson
Attractive Woman #1…..
Buxom Woman…..Aidy Bryant
Attractive Woman #2…..Cecily Strong
Foreman…..Jason Sudeikis
Attractive Woman #3…..Vanessa Bayer
Woman…..Nasim Pedrad
Father…..Bill Hader
[ open on construction site ]
Kenan: I’m sure you’ll fit right in, Jack. The main thing is, just do what the foreman tells you. If he says “Dig”, you dig; If he says “Eat”, you eat.
Jack: Well, let’s hope he doesn’t say BOTH at the same time, ‘cuz… [ he laughs ] then I’ll be eatin’ DIRT! [ he laugh with a boisterous guffaw ]
Kenan: [ a beat ] Yeah. Alright, let’s just, let’s just get to work.
[ an attractive woman walks past ]
Bobby: Whoa! Speaking of working, check out THAT sweet piece! ‘Cause HER body’s working OVERTIME!
Tim: Yeah! That’s one clock I’d like to punch on all night long!
Kenan: Yeah — only they’re gonna have to give her Hazard Pay, because that ass is DANGEROUS!
Jack: [ guffaws loudly ] Yeah! I bet she makes sex all over the place, all the time! Like it’s outstanding!
[ the other workers are stunned ]
Bobby: What?!
Jack: No! I meant, like her BUTT! Like it’s 100% WHAMM-O! You know? [ he points to KET ] Like he was sayin’.
Tim: [ confused ] Whamm-O?
Kenan: Hey, it’s Jack’s first day, guys. Let’s cut him some slack.
Bobby: Hey! Speaking of slacks getting cut, we got a couple of TORPEDOS incoming at FOUR O’CLOCK!
[ a buxom woman walks past ]
Tim: Ah-ooh-ga! She’s got MY privates standing at attention!
Kenan: Say! Who ordered Arby’s? Because those are TWO juicy stacks of ROAST BEEF!
Jack: [ laughing ] Yeah! STACK ’em up! They’re like TWO giant, meaty jumboons! Like, TWO big breasty… SQUISH-RAGS!
Tim: [ stunned ] “Squish-rags”?
Jack: What? I’m just agreeing with YOU, guys! She’s like Sexy times Five… plus her boobies, carry the boner… equals YUB-A-DUB-DUB!!
Kenan: [ perplexed ] Man… where are you from?
Jack: Ah, I move around a lot.
[ another attractive woman walks past ]
Bobby: Hey! Speaking of moving around a lot… check out the jump in THAT pump! Mmm! I would crack that open, pour it into a glass, and sip it all afternoon!
Jack: Hey, somebody call AMTRAK! ‘Cause I need two tickets to Booty City!
Tim: I’d HIT it, QUIT it, and then beg for my job back so I could hit it again!
Jack: She’s like a big bowl of BUTT SOUP with extra nipples! “And can I get that with a side of HOO-WOO-WOO-WOO?!” “Yes, you can, Sir! Your total comes to FIVE kisses and FORTY-SEVEN smooches! Drive up to the next window and collect that sweet, SWEET heinie!” [ everyone stares at him ] What?
Kenan: Man, what in the HELL?!
[ the Foreman steps up ]
Foreman: HEY!! What in God’s sake is going on over here?!
[ the construction workrs jump to their feet and start working ]
Bobby: Uh — nothing, Boss! Just, uh, hard at work! [ he starts tapping his hammer ]
Foreman: Oh, yeah?! ‘Cause I got a lot of complaints that you guys are heckling women on the sidewalk here! And ,apparently, one of you is real BAD at it!
Jack: [ shocked ] Uh — nope! Nope! We’re all trying for the best.
Foreman: That’s a relief! [ an attractive woman walks past ] Which is good, because I can’t get NO relief from that AAAAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!
Tim: WHOO! Now, THAT’S a five-alarm booty! Whoo-ooh! Whoo-ooh!
Bobby: Yeah! Somebody dial 3-1-1. ‘Cause I SAW something, and I need to SAY something!
Kenan: Hey! Christmas dinner called. It’s missing TWO hams!
Jack: Yeah! I bet she’s got a BIG OL’ PENIS under that coat!
[ the rest of the crew is disgusted ]
Foreman: No, no, no, no, no! You’re FIRED! You’re FIRED! Yeah, I’m sorry. It’s just — that was AWFUL! Get out of here!
Kenan: Yeah, man! Haven’t you ever seen a hot woman walk by a construction site before?
Jack: Yeah… Yeah, I did. Once. A long, long time ago.
[ his memory drifts into a black-and-white flashback of himself as a young boy visiting his Father at a construction site ]
Jack V/O: You see, my father… he worked construction, too. When I was eight years old, I went to visit him at work, and… all of a sudden, this beautiful young woman walked by.
Father: Say… nice keister!
[ the woman stops, pulls out a gun and shoots his father dead ]
[ return to the modern-day construction site ]
Foreman: Oh, damn! I had no idea. I’m so sorry, Jack. Hey, you know what? You’re welcome on our crew any time.
Jack: [ excited ] You mean it?! Oh, boy! I’m so happy I could… POOPERIZE you!
Foreman: What? Come on!
Kenan: Let’s get to work, man…
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 3
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
October 6th, 2012
Daniel Craig
Muse
None
Chris Parnell
None First Presidential DebateSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) is severely disoriented during his first Presidential debate aganst Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis).
Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, President Barack Obama, Mitt Romney.
Transcript
Montage
Daniel Craig’s Monologue
Summary: Having now starred in three James Bond films, Daniel Craig presents an “In Memorium” of the many bad guys he’s killed in his films.
Construction WorkersSummary: Jack (Daniel Craig) keeps making unsophisticated comments while trying to fit in with his fellow lewd construction workers.
Transcript
Bond 50
Summary: The ultimate James Bond Blu-Ray collection features a bevy of babes and unlikely Bond girls from throughout the 50-year franchise.
Recurring Characters: Jodie Foster, Ellen Degeneres, Penny Marshall.
Three Days Later: A Look Back at the Obama Debate Disaster
Summary: The liberal news media tries desperately to spin President Barack Obama’s poor performance at the first Presidential debate.
Recurring Characters: Rachel Maddow, Al Sharpton, Chris Matthews.
Transcript
Long Island Medium
Summary: Theresa Caputo (Kate McKinnon) spiritually connects with the dead for her fellow Long Islanders.
Transcript
Mars Mission
Summary: Kirby (Bobby Moynihan) annoys his fellow space crew members by getting misty about the pet kitty cat he left behind on Earth.
Muse performs “Madness”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Seth Meyers outlines the Winners and Losers of this week’s Presidential debate. Big Bird comments on his newfound celebrity status since being mentioned by Mitt Romney at the Presidential debate. Cecilia Giminez (Kate McKinnon) defends her forgery of a painting of Jesus.
Transcript
A Sorry Lot We Are
Summary: In a long-running BBC comedy series, a group of losers (Daniel Craig, Bill Hader, Bobby Moynihan) hang out at the pub and mull over their sorry lot in life.
Transcript
Loving Couple
Summary: Carl (Daniel Craig) is eager to show off his new girlfriend Regine (Fred Armisen) and their extraneous devotion to one another to his unsuspecting friends.
Muse performs “Panic Station”
Low-Information Voters Of America
Summary: America’s undecided voters have an extensive collection of unreleated questions to ask about this year’s Presidential election.
Note: Repeat from 12b.
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 2
12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons
Low-Information Voters Of America
Undecided Voter #1 (Catherine)…..Cecily Strong
Undecided Voter #2 (David)…..Taran Killam
Undecided Voter #3 (Andrea)…..Nasim Pedrad
Undecided Voter #4 (Jonathan)…..Bill Hader
Undecided Voter #5 (Ben)…..Tim Robinson
Undecided Voter #6 (Sarah)…..Vanessa Bayer
Undecided Voter #7 (Albert)…..??
[SUPER: “This election will determine the future of our country. And this election will be determined by the Undecided Voter.”]
Undecided Voter #1: It seems that more than 96% of voters have already made up their minds about this election. Well, I guess some of us are just a little bit harder to please. Were not impressed by political spin or thirty second sound bites. Before you get our vote, youre going to have to answer some questions. Questions like…
[dissolve to undecided voter #2]
Undecided Voter #2: [Over TEXT] When is the election? How soon do we have to decide?
[dissolve to undecided voter #3]
Undecided Voter #3: [Over TEXT ] What are the names of the two people running? And be specific.
[dissolve to undecided voter #4]
Undecided Voter #4: [Over TEXT] Who is the president right now? Is he or she running? Because if so, experience is maybe something we should consider.
[dissolve to undecided voters #5 and #6]
Undecided Voter #5: [Over TEXT] How long is a presidents term of office? One year? Two years? Three years? Or life? [camera moves over to show the mans wife]
Undecided Voter #6: Because if its for life, frankly, were not comfortable with that. We dont need to be electing a dictator. [dissolve to another undecided voter]
Undecided Voter #7: What happens if the president dies? Has anyone thought about who would replace him? Whats your plan, gentlemen?
[dissolve back to undecided voter #3]
Undecided Voter #3: [Over TEXT] Can women vote? Because if not, as a woman, Ive got a big problem with that. And by the way, if men cant vote, in my opinion, thats just as wrong.
[dissolve back to undecided voter #4]
Undecided Voter #4: [Over TEXT] We hear a lot about our dependence on foreign oil, but just what is oil? And what is it used for?
[dissolve back to undecided voter #2]
Undecided Voter #1: [Over TEXT] Can a woman have a baby just from French kissing?
[dissolve back to undecided voter #5]
Undecided Voter #5: [Over TEXT] If you burp, fart, and sneeze at the same time, will you die?
[dissolve back to undecided voter #7]
Undecided Voter #5: [Over TEXT] Wheres my power cord?
[dissolve back to undecided voter #1]
Undecided Voter #1: We are Americas undecided voters. Theres still a lot we dont know.
[cut to view of all undecided voters]
All: And we want answers!
Announcer: [Over TEXT] “Low-information voters of America is responsible for the content of this advertising.
Submitted by: Adam Rapfogel
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 2
12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons
Tres Equis II
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Companion…..Kate McKinnon
The Most Interesting Man in the World…..Jason Sudeikis
(The Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World practices Martial arts [poorly] in front of the Mirror.)
Announcer: He’s got a white belt in Judo, and Tae Kwon Do.
(In Bed, he reads “The Firm”)
He has a first edition…of every John Grisham Novel.
(Sitting in a Cafe, he writes ” -2.00″ in the tip line and hands it to his server.)
When he tips, he puts a negative amount, and says it’s Cashback.
(He sits in bed, strumming a guitar with two other guitars visable in the frame.)
He has multiple parody Twitter accounts.
(An account pops up under the name “Dildo Baggins.”)
And he can almost do a 180 on his Razor Scooter
(He tries and fails to achieve this.)
(He sits at a bar, with a Tres Equis beer, next to a very bored looking blonde companion.)
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: I am not only the Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World…I AM the most Interesting-
(His father, the Most Interesting Man in the World, storms in angrily.)
The Most Interesting Man in the World: WHAT THE HELL? What in the Hell is this? Are you kidding me? Is this really happening?
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: Get out of here, Dad! I’m doing a beer ad.
The Most Interesting Man in the World: Really? What, and who is this? One of your Prostitutes?
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: So?
The Most Interesting Man in the World: So? Who is paying for her?
Companion: He said you are.
The Most Interesting Man in the World: Oh, did he?
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: I didn’t say that! I never said that!
The Most Interesting Man in the World: THIRTY YEARS OLD! Son, you are thirty years old!
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: You should be proud of me! I’m an entrepreneur!
The Most Interesting Man in the World: Oh, he’s an entrepreneur! Like how you managed those rappers?
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: Those are my friends!
The Most Interesting Man in the World: THEY STOLE FROM YOU! (Noticing the bottle) And what is this? “Tres Equies?!”
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: Yes!
The Most Interesting Man in the World: “Tres Equies!” I could get sued for this! (He hurles the bottle off-screen, where it shatters) YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: I HAVE NO INCOME!
The Most Interesting Man in the World: Get out of my house! Get out of my basement! You-
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: (Suddenly snapping) ONE SWIM MEET! YOU COULDN’T COME TO JUST ONE OF MY SWIM MEETS!
The Most Interesting Man in the World: Oh, Swim Meet? (To the Camera) He didn’t even make the team! You Pussy! You swam two laps, and then you puked like a dog! They had to drain the pool!
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: (Storming off) I’m telling Mom!
The Most Interesting Man in the World: Oh, well good luck figuring out who the FUCK she is!
Announcer: (over a shot of the beer) Tres Equis. Spanish for Excellence.
(The Most Interesting Man In the World takes a sip, then spits it out.)
The Most Interesting Man in the World: This tastes like shit.
Submitted by: Ted Zoldan
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 2
12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons
Tres Equis
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Companion…..Kate McKinnon
(A Lothario type with a white suit and a rather pathetic goatee struts into a bar.)
Announcer: He can make a woman cringe, just by entering a room.
(The man fires his fingers like a gun at two beautiful women, who cringe and look away. He sidles up to one and she walks away in disgust.)
He owns five different styles of fedora.
(In his bathroom, the man tries on different fedoras, finding one he approves of.)
When he orders at Starbucks, he always gives a fake name.
(A Barista hands him a cup, which he proudly displays as being labeled “King Dong.”)
He claims he dated a model, but her only modeling work was an ad for her dad’s Car dealership, and they never had sex.
(He lovingly caresses a framed portrait of a woman, nodding self-satisfactorally)
He can sort of break-dance.
(He does, for an unimpressed-looking woman.)
And he accidentally sent a photo of his penis to the guy who just delivered his chinese food.
He is…the Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World.
(The Man sits at a bar, with a Tres Equis beer, next to a very bored looking blonde companion.)
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer “Tres Equis.” It’s one equis better than my dad’s beer, because he was never there for me. It’s two parts “Dos Equis” and one part none of your business. (Raising his beer in a toast) Keep Bangin’, my friends.
Announcer: Tres Equis. That means “Triple X,” homies.
Son of the Most Interesting Man in the World: (Toasting) To boobies!
Submitted by: Ted Zoldan
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 2
12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons
Powers Realty
Burt Powers…..Tim Robinson
Blair Powers…..Nasim Pedrad
Carmine Powers…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
[ open on TV advertisement screen of open-mouthed couple ]
Announcer: If you’re looking for a home, look no further than Powers Realty.
[ dissolve to Burt and Blair Powers ]
Burt Powers: Hi! We’re real estate team Burt and Blair Powers, from POWERS Realty!
Blair Powers: You’ve seen our ads around town.
Burt Powers: When you come to us and ask us to find the home of your dreams, WE! COME! THROUGH!
Blair Powers: But now, we have something to ask you.
Burt Powers: [ he sighs ] Please stop drawing butts and weiners on our advertisements!
Blair Powers: Please!
Burt Powers: You may not know it, but it hurts my feelings when I see my wife of twelve years going to town on a floating shaf and balls.
Blair Powers: We’re trying to find you a home. Don’t mar the experience by drawing the seeds of man splattered on my face. That’s not fun!
Burt Powers: We know we are partially to blame. We took the pictures with our mouthes WIDE OPEN, as if to say… “Put something AWFUL in here!”
Blair Powers: Awful things, like: [ reveal montage of marred advertisements ] Big weiners. Little weiners. A squadron of tiny airplanes that are shaped like weiners. And my husband and I having an absurd conversation about our hunger for balls.
Burt Powers: Come on, folks! There’s a time and a place for that!
Blair Powers: Nowhere and NEVER! So don’t give my husband a black eye and then imply that he got being pistol-whipped by a ding-dong! First of all, don’t… second of all, don’t!
Burt Powers: Let’s talk about our bus picture on 24th Street outside the Yogurt Land. That thing is a disaster!
Blair Powers: You know the one. It suggests that my husband poops gold coins and then those gold coins somehow find their way into my mouth and I enjoy them for dinner — No, I don’t!
Burt Powers: Don’t do it!
Blair Powers: Don’t do it! You’re hurting our whole family. [ Teenager comes into position ] Meet our poor son, Carmine. He hates it!
Burt Powers: Tell them what you saw outside your school, Carm-Carm!
Carmine Powers: Yeah, I… well, I saw my Mom with poop on her head, Dad with a big foot, Mom with a weiner, Dad with a thought bubble that says “I’m coocoo for ponopuffs”, Mom eating a fart, Dad eating a wang sandwich, And both of them playing Penis Tennis at Wimbledong.
Burt Powers: Folks, that was all on ONE billboard! What’s wrong with YOU?!
[ in the background, Carmine proceeds to draw more weiners on his parents’ poster ]
Burt Powers: So, if you want to take a ride to your dream home and, uh…
[ suddenly, time runs short and we dissolve straight to the night’s final bumper ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 2
12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons
Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Monologue
…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Audience Member #1…..Aidy Bryant
Audience Member #2…..Kenan Thompson
Audience Member #3…..Cecily Strong
Audience Member #4…..Nasim Pedrad
Dancer #1…..Jay Pharoah
Dancer #2…..Taran Killam
Dancer #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Joseph Gordon-Levitt!
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: It is so great to be here, back hosting Saturday Night Live! You know, this year has been so amazing! Ive been lucky to be in some great movies….. I have the movie Looper coming out. In that movie, I play a young version of Bruce Willis — so I guess I play Ashton Kutcher. I was also in The Dark Knight Rises.
But, you know what my favorite superhero movie of the summer was? Magic Mike — Im serious, my friend Channing Tatum was so great in that. You know what my favorite part of Magic Mike was? This part!
[ Joseph rips of his suit and is now draped in only a vest, trousers, and fedora. The Weather Girls Its Raining Men starts playing. AUDIENCE MEMBERS 1-3 are in glee. Joseph gyrates his pelvis while twirling an umbrella. He then proceeds to do push-ups and removes his fedora. ]
[ ENTER DANCERS 1-3. All are dressed in the same manner as Joseph. Everyone removes their vest to show their bare chest except Bobby, whos wearing a smaller vest underneath his previous vest. ]
[ Joseph notices a FOURTH AUIDENCE MEMBER and makes his way over to her. Hes holding a Cosmopolitan drink and excited to see him. Joseph grinds her face into her crotch so hard she spills her drink. ]
[ Bobby hands Joseph a confetti cannon and he fires it into the audience. ]
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: We got a great show tonight! Mumford and Sons are here! Stick around, well be right back!
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 2
12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons
London
Larry Sandusky…..Bill Hader
Chris…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Kenan…..Kenan Thompson
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Hey Dude!…..Mumford and Sons
[ open on three buddies sitting at table in a London pub ]
Larry: Big day tomorrow! You ready?
Chris: I’m ready! Man, I really appreciate you guys flying all the way out here to London!
Kenan: Hey, man — You’re marrying a British girl, we get to try some British beers… that’s a win-win!
[ Jason steps forward ]
Jason: Did somebody say “beers”?
[ everyone excitedly grabs a beer ]
Jason: I tell you what, man — I am DIGGING the vibe of this place! London, England ROCKS! And I don’t know if you guys saw this, but it looks like they’ve got a cool Beatles cover band playing tonight.
[ the cover band, Hey Dude!, starts their set ]
Lead Singer: Good evening, everybody! We’re Hey, Dude! This first one goes out to Chris, who we heard is getting married tomorrow.
[ the buddies cheer ]
Chris: Did you guys do this?
Jason: Sure did!
Lead Singer: This one’s for you, Chris.
[ the band breaks into The Beatles’ “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” ]
Chris: Aw, that’s my favorite song!
Jason: I know!
Chris: Thanks so much!
Jason: Absolutely!
Chris: So — how’s everybody’s trip been?
Jason: Hmm… Well, me and my lady had a little bit of a tough time getting through Customs. They ended up searching both of us and going through our bags. It got pretty intense?
Larry: They find anything?
Jason: Uh, yeah. Yeah. They found my girlfriend’s vibrator. Accidentally got switched on at some point during the flight, and they thought it might have been a BOMB or something.
Chris: Wow! So, then, did everyone around you see it?
Jason: [ laughing ] No! No! Thank God, no! They had to take us to a private room to, uh… to pull it out of my ass!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”
Jason: But the BATTERY is still in there!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”
Chris: [ to KT ] So, you’ve been in London for a while now, right?
Kenan: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All summer.
Jason: You having fun?
Kenan: Absolutely!
Jason: Oh, yeah? What, have you got a few ladies in the mix?
Kenan: Maybe! [ the guys chuckle mischieviously ] Seriously, though — I’ve been getting ladies up and down this city. I mean, it’s so much easier than back home, especially with these foreign girls. I was with this Croatian chick last night who was crazy about me.
Jason: Mmm.
Kenan: I mean, maybe not me. I told her I came here to be in the Olympics… and I never left.
Larry: Hey, man, that lady’s gonna be disappointed when she finds out you’re not an athlete.
Kenan: I know. She’s gonna be even MORE disappointed when she finds out that Michael Phelps is WHITE!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”
Kenan: [ holding up a CD with ribbon tied to it ] And THIS ain’t no gold medal!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”
Larry: You know what this song reminds me of?
Jason: Mmm-mmm.
Larry: My dad. He was a huge, HUGE Beatles fan. He got me into them as well. When I was a kid, he always said he’d take me to London, walk Abbey Road… but it never happened. He was always busy, wither with work or some charity stuff… he just never had time for me.
Kenan: Oh, that’s too bad, man…
Larry: It’s ironic, ’cause, six years later, I’M the busy one… and he’s got all the time in the world.
Jason: Oh, yeah — “Cat’s in the Cradle”, man!
Kenan: You should have brought him on this trip.
Larry: I can’t do that, he’s… he’s in JAIL. Yeah, just another day in the life of LARRY SANDUSKY!
Jason: Yeahhhhh!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”
Larry: My dad is JERRY Sandusky!
Jason: Yeah, I know!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”
Chris: Man, I LOVE The Beatles! You know, I’ve been tying to get my nephew into them…
Jason: Ah! Now, see — THAT’S a good uncle! How old’s this kid?
Chris: 11. His parents aren’t around any more, so he came to live with me and Lori.
Larry: That’s a big change for you guys.
Chris: Yeah! And, honestly, I didn’t like having him around at first, it was kind of a BURDEN. But we’ve started doing al this stuff together…
Jason: That’s good!
Chris: Yeah, he’s got this adventerous spirit! We started going to ball games and museusm, and I asked him: If he could go anywhere, where would it be? So he said, “Mexico”, and I said, “Alright, let’s do it!”
Jason: Nice! How did he like it?
Chris: It’s hard to say. I put him on a bus three months ago, and I haven’t seen him since!
Everyone: [ singing ] “Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!”
Chris: He sent me a letter — I did NOT open it!
Everyone: [ singing ]
“Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!
Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!
Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!
Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away!!
Hey!! You’ve got hide your love away…!!”
[ the buddies and the cover band stand up to sing and dance through the audience, as the scene fades ]