Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Road to the White House

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Male Supporter #1…..Taran Killam
Male Supporter #2…..Bobby Moynihan
Voice in Audience…..Bill Hader
Female Supporter #1…..Abby Elliott
Female Supporter #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Mayor Alvin Parks, Jr…..Kenan Thompson
Ann Romney…..Kristen Wiig
Female Supporter #3…..Nasim Pedrad
Female Supporter #4…..Kate McKinnon

[ open on C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Next on C-Span… Road to the White House. Following his primary victories last Tuesday, in Wisconsin, Maryland, and Washington, D.C., Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney makes campaign stops in a dozen cities across the country, where he’ll claim to be interested in things we know he’s not interested in. His first appearance, on Wednesday, was before the Pittsburgh Trade Association.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney at podium, surrounded by supporters ]

Mitt Romney: Of course, you know, growing up in Michigan… I’ve always been an enormous fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers! You know? What a team! What a football team! With those uniforms they have… different colors… of course, the great coach… and the various players… who are all SO terrific, you know? I could name them all… uh… yeah! In baseball, on the other hand, I rooted for the Pirates. Oh, Jiminy Cricket! What a ball club! All those players, hitting and catching the ball… [ he glances around the room ] Yeah, and how about those Pittsburgh Penguins! Huh?

Voice: We don’t believe you!

Mitt Romney: [ defensively ] Okay! Alright… okay…

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Later that day, Mitt Romney spoke before a meeting of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals — or, ASPCA.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, with one female supporter at his side ]

Mitt Romney: In politics, we’re often told that sometimes we simply HAVE to compromise. But let me tell you, here and now: There is ONE issue on which I will NEVER back down! NEVER cut a deal, NEVER compromise! Because it’s the core of who I am: Cat spaying! It’s simply the right thing to do, and, quite frankly, the reason I got into this race. I want to be known as the “cat neutering president”.

[ dissolve to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Thursday morning. Governor Romney was in East St. Louis, Illinois, where he spoke to the local Chamber of Commerce.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, surrounded by supporters and Mayor Alvin Parks, Jr. ]

Mitt Romney: You know, Ann and I have lived and traveled all over the world, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: The only place that has EVER truly felt like home… is right HERE! East St. Louis, Illinois!

Mayor Alvin Parks, Jr.: Are you crazy? This is a hell hole!

Mitt Romney: [ chuckling ] Really? I find it to be such a lovely place!

Mayor Alvin Parks, Jr.: Trust me — I’m the Mayor. This place is a hell hole! We live… in a HELL hole!

Female Supporter #2: Yeah. We HATE it here!

Mitt Romney: Okay! Alright! Okay!

[ dissolve to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: That afternoon, Governor and Mrs. Romney were in Oklahoma, where they met with the Kiamichi Country Sportsmen’s ASsociation.

[ dissolve to Mitt and Ann Romney standing ouside, surrounded by supporters ]

Mitt Romney: You know, unfortunately, with our schedules, Ann and I don’t get to nearly as many cockfights as we’d like. Now, but let me tell you — cockfighting has brought us more sheer enjoyment in our marriage than anything we have EVER experienced! And that’s why, frankly, I want ot be the COCKFIGHTING president!

[ Ann covers her face ]

[ dissolve to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Thursday evening, Governor Romney stopped in Dallas, to address the National Convention of the Role Playing Game Association.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, cloaked and brandishing a light sabre ]

Mitt Romney: You know… you know, in all honesty, I can’t remember a time when “Dungeons & Dragons” WASN’T an important part of my life!

Voice: We don’t believe you!

Mitt Romney: [ defensively ] Okay! Alright… okay…

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Friday morning, Governor Romney was in Chicago, where he spoke at a meeting of the American Diabetes Association.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, surrounded by supporters ]

Mitt Romney: Of course, no one — no one WANTS to get sick. You know? But, uh… but, uh, quite frankly, I’ve always thought that if I HAD to develop a chronic disease… you know I-I-I hope it would be Adult Onset Diabetes! [ the supporters grimace slightly ] What a FASCINATING illness, you know, when you think about it…

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Later, Governor Romney made an appearance at the 2012 Piercing Convention.

[ dissolve to Mitt and Ann Romney standing at podium, surrounded by freaky pierced supporters ]

Mitt Romney: [ chuckling ] You know… you know, when people ask me, “Mitt, just how many piercings do you have?” Well, I always say, “More than I need, but less than I want!” Now, besides the two nipple rings, which I’ve already spoken about… and the taint! [ Ann gives him a curious look ] Uh — I’ve recently added a barbell tongue stud, which Ann and I both enjoy very much! [ Ann smiles sheepishly ]

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: That afternoon, before the start of Passover, Governor Romney appeared at a meeting of the United Jewish Appeal.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, dressed in Jewish holy garb and opening a holy book of prayer, as he recites Jewish tongues ]

Voice: We don’t believe you!

Mitt Romney: [ defensively ] Alright… okay… alright…

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Finally, on Saturday, Governor Romney was in New York, where he appeared in the opening of “Saturday Night Live”.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at Home Base ]

Mitt Romney: [ chuckling ] You know… I-I’ve just gotta tell you, quite frankly, it’s a thrill to be here on “Saturday Night Live”. It’s my FAVORITE show — all the wonderful comic skits… and send-ups… and japes over the years! You know, it’s really something! And, of course, there’s that unforgettable opening that we all know, oh so well! “Hey New York, let’s start the show!”

Voice: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”

Mitt Romney: Yeah! Exactly! What he said! That’s right!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Almost Pizza

Dad…..Bill Hader
Mom…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on suburban kitchen, Mom standing over a hot pizza as Dad enters ]

Dad: Mmm, pizza! I didn’t hear the delivery guy pull up.

Mom: That’s because it’s not delivery.

Dad: Really.

Mom: And it’s not exactly pizza, either. [ she holds up box ] It’s Almost Pizza!

Dad: [ amused ] Come on! That’s pizza!

Mom: No. It’s very nearly pizza, but not quite. It’s Almost Pizza. See? [ she holds up the box again ] Come on, let’s eat!

Dad: So, it’s, uh… tofu pizza, something like that?

Mom: No. You could put tofu on a pizza, and still legally call it pizza. But don’t call this pizza. It’s Almost Pizza. Pizza that’s practically pizza in every way, except for a few key ones. Come on! Dig in!

Dad: But it’s food, though. Right?

Mom: Come on!!

[ Daughter enters kitchen ]

Daughter: Oooooh, pizza! Nice one, Mom!

Dad: Hang on here! What exactly is this, Carol?

Daughter: It looks like pizza!

Mom: It’s meant to!

Dad: But it’s NOT! If it was pizza, it would just say “PIZZA”!

Mom: Look — I’ll eat some!

[ she lifts a slice of Almost Pizza to her mouth, but turns it away and pretends to eat it ]

Daughter: It sure smells like pizza!

Mom: That was their intention!

Dad: WHOSE?!

Mom: Just try it, Tom, it’s getting cold!

Dad: NO!! If anything, it’s getting HOTTER!! WHAT IS THIS, CAROL?!!

Mom: Just eat some!

Dad: HELL… NO!!

Daughter: I’ll eat it!

Dad: NO!!

[ he swats the pizza out of his Daughter’s hands, sending it crashing to the floor and shattering like glass ]

Dad: WHAT THE FUCK?!!

Mom: I said it was pizza!

[ suddenly, the shattered pizza pulls itself together and reforms into its original slice, then scurries underneath the refridgerator ]

Announcer: If it’s almost dinner, then it’s almost time for Almost Pizza! The thing that’s much like pizza, roughly speaking. From Pfizer.

[ Dad furiously tries to stomp on the pizza and kill it ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Pantene Commercial

Director…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Sofia Vergara
Penelope Cruz…..Kate McKinnon
Marker…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior, Stage 18 ]

[ dissolve to interior set ]

Director: Oh, thank you so much for doing this, Sofia. Pantene is so happy to have you for this commercial.

Sofia Vergara: Of course, Jerry. I love Pantene and ALL of the shampoos!

Director: Oh! And, uh, here comes your co-star. This is Miss Penelope Cruz.

Penelope Cruz: Hello! Hello! Thank you for having me! I’m… [ mumbled ] Penelly Cruz. I’m ready to film the commercial, okay? Okay! And… action!

Director: [ laughing ] No, wait, wait, hold on, Penelope. Not quite yet. Uh, but I’m glad you’re here and I’m glad you’re excited. Sofia, you know Penelope, right?

Sofia Vergara: Yes, of course! Penelope, I LOVE you! I’m a big fan! BIG FAN!

Penelope Cruz: You’re a fan of me, Penelope? I’m a fan of you, Sofia! Hello!

Director: Uh… okay. Alright, ladies, here’s what I’m gonna need you to do. You’re just going to have to sit on the couch, all you have to do is look as beautiful as you… both are. And hold these… these are the shampoos right there. [ he hands them each a bottle ] Now, you’re just gonna read your lines right of that teleprompter over there. [ he points ] Okay? It should be nice and easy. Alright? Here we go.

[ Marker steps forward ]

Marker: Pantene Shampoo, Take One!

Director: And… ACTION!!

[ the lights turn red, as soft piano music plays and their hair is blown upon ]

Sofia Vergara: We love… Pantene Shampoo.

Penelope Cruz: [ mumbles ] It’sh all natch-a-wow.

Sofia Vergara: So it’s got everything… our hair needs. Like… Aloe. [ SUPER: “Aloe” ]

Penelope Cruz: But without the things she doesn’t need, like… [ mumbled ] “Ammonium Laureth Sulphate.” [ SUPER: “Ammonium Laureth Sulphate” ] Alkyl Benzene Sulfonate. [ SUPER: “Alkyl Benzene Sulfonate” ] Selenium Sulfide. [ SUPER: “Selenium Sulfide” ] And… Tea… Duh-join-dee-dee [ SUPER: “Tea-Dodecylbenzene” ]

Sofia Vergara: And we like that!

Director: And… CUT!! Okay, great! Alright. Sofia — great job! Great job!

Sofia Vergara: Thank you, Jerry!

Director: Uh — Penelope?

Penelope Cruz: [ quickly ] Yes! I was also great! [ she smiles ]

Director: Uh… okay. Uh — actually, I was gonna say you’re kind of hard to understand.

Penelope Cruz: Okay. But it seemed that… maybe my words were harder. Just my words.

Director: I… don’t know…

Sofia Vergara: No! My words were hard, too. I had to say “Pantene”, and then I had to say “Hair”.

Director: Exactly. So, uh — okay, you know what? Let’s try starting with, maybe, an easier script, and then we’ll come back to this one later, okay?

Penelope Cruz: Okay.

Director: Uh, do we already have the new version on the teleprompter? [ he glances off-screen ] Yes, we do. Great! Here we go.

[ Marker steps forward ]

Marker: Pantene Shampoo, Take Two!

Director: And… ACTION, ladies!!

[ the lights turn red, as soft piano music plays and their hair is blown upon ]

Sofia Vergara: My hair… is pretty. [ SUPER: “Pretty” ]

Penelope Cruz: And allow me to explain why. Pantene rejuvanates hair in all three stages of [ mumbling ] Fa-lip-it-ar de-vel-ip-ment… [ SUPER: “Follicular Development” ] The On-again Phase… [ SUPER: “Anagen” ] The Ca-ba-den Phase… [ SUPER: “Catagen” ] And the Tiv-i-den Phase. [ SUPER: “Telogen” ]

Sofia Vergara: It’s like magic. [ SUPER: “Magic” ]

Penelope Cruz: But it’s not magic. It’s complicated science. [ SUPER: “Science” ] Pantene revigorates the superficial [ mumbling ] Art-ear-ial special … [ SUPER: “Ateriovenous Plexus” ] by rejuvanating the [ mumbling ] Special… special”… [ SUPER: “Sebaceous Gland” ]

Sofia Vergara: And we like that. Yayyyyyy! [ SUPER: “Yay!” ]

Director: Alright! Cut! Cut! Let’s cut there. Alright. Ladies… ladies… great! I mean, EXCELLENT couch work, okay? And, Sofia — once again, amazing job!

Sofia Vergara: Thank you! I give myself… an A+!

Director: [ laughing ] Alright. Great. Penelope?

Penelope Cruz: I know, I know… but, Jerry — am I bananas, or were my lines, once again, way more complicated than Sofia’s?

Director: Um…

Sofia Vergara: Really? But I had to say the word “Yayyyyy!”

Director: Yeah. Yay. You know what, how about we make this a little easier? We’ll just put some basic hair-related words on the teleprompter over there, and, uh, then you can just take turns reading them, okay?

Penelope Cruz: So we just say ONE easy word at a time?

Director: Yeah, exactly.

Penelope Cruz: Okay!

[ Marker steps forward ]

Marker: Pantene Shampoo, Take Three!

Director: And… ACTION, ladies!!

[ the lights turn red, as soft piano music plays and their hair is blown upon ]

Sofia Vergara: [ SUPER: “Lush” ] Lush!

Penelope Cruz: [ SUPER: “Filamentous Biomaterial” ] Feel-o-mentos Bio-menthen.

Sofia Vergara: [ SUPER: “Glossy” ] Glossy!

Penelope Cruz: [ SUPER: “Pheomelanin” ] Fay-o-men-a-mean.

Sofia Vergara: [ SUPER: “Nice” ] Nice!

Penelope Cruz: [ SUPER: “Phytomorphogenesis” ] Base-dee-dee-ded-o-bo…

Director: No! No, no, no, no, no! No, no, Penelope, it’s Phy-to-morph-o-gen-e-sis.

Penelope Cruz: Ray-fridger-ator!

Director: No! No, sweetie, listen to me. It’s not “Refrigerator”, okay? Say it with me: “Phyto.”

Penelope Cruz: Fido.

Director: Good. “Morpho.”

Penelope Cruz: Mor-fo!

Director: “Genesis!”

Penelope Cruz: Jeff Bridges!

Director: No… no… no…

Sofia Vergara: Jerry, let me help her. I know the word.

Director: Go ahead.

Sofia Vergara: Penelope. Listen… and I will help. Ray-fridge-orrrrr-atorrrrrr!

Director: Nope! No, Sofia, that’s wrong!

Penelope Cruz: “Lush”? It’s “Lush”?

Director: No! Okay, you know what? That’s fine. Okay. You know, I think I have a plan to make this work.

[ cut to the finished commercial, starting with the products in front of a water background, then dissolve to Sofia Vergara and Penelop Cruz on the couch ]

Sofia Vergara: Hair! Pretty!

[ as Penelope Cruz opens her mouth, an Announcer’s words spill out ]

Announcer: For more information about our product, visit www.pantene.com.

Sofia and Penelope: Yayyyyyy!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Sofia Vergara’s Monologue

…..Sofia Vergara
…..Manolo Gonzalez

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Sofia Vergara!

Sofia Vergara: Thank you! Thank you very much! Hello, everyone! It is so wonderful to be here tonight hosting “La Noche de Sabado Vivo”! I have to thank ALL of you, because this is such a HUGE moment for me in my life. I never dreamed that I would be here in New York City. I came here all the way from a small town in Columbia called Barranquilla. Barranquilla is a Spanish word that means “Cleveland”.

I always heard that immigrants had a really hard life when they came to America. But when I showed up here, everyone was so nice. The men bought me drinks and offered me a place to sleep. This country welcomed me with open arms and pulled-down pants! And, also, I am so lucky to be part of the AMAZING cast of “Modern Family”. Growing up in Columbia, it was every girl’s dream to one day grow up… and marry Al Bundy.

I am also so proud to have my son Manolo with me here tonight. [ reveal her son in the audience ] Hi, Manolo!

Manolo Gonzalez: Hi, Mom! [ he waves ]

Sofia Vergara: I know what you’re all thinking. How can she have a son who’s that old? But he’s only five. South Americans develop very quickly. But then, they stay the same age FOREVER! Just look at my grandparents over there!

[ reveal young couple sitting next to her son ]

Sofia Vergara: Hola, Abuela!

And, finally… you may have noticed that I have a bit of an accent sometimes. I love it! This accent can make anything… sound sexy. Listen: [ sexily ] “Gon-a-rrrrrrhea!” [ she smiles ] “Reek San-torrrrrrum.” “New Jerrrrrr-sey.” “Mmm-hmmmmm… New Jerrrrrr-sey!” So, tonight, please forgive me if you cannot understand what I say. And I will forgive you for staring at my CHEST the whole night!

We have a great show for tonight! One Direction… is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

74th Annual Hunger Games

Caesar Flickerman…..Bill Hader
Claudius Templesmith…..Fred Armisen
Maria Gutierrez…..Sofia Vergara
Thresh…..Jay Pharoah
Male Tribute…..Taran Killam
Female Tribute…..Nasim Pedrad
Peeta…..Andy Samberg
Katniss Everdeen…..Abby Elliott

[a golden seal reading “74th Annual Hunger Games” appears over a forest landscape]

Announcer: We now return to our coverage of the 74th Annual Hunger Games!

[Caesar Flickerman appears with blue hair, next to Claudius Templesmith with Beethoven hair and crazy eyebrows]

Caesar Flickerman: Welcome back to the 74th Hunger Games, this is Caesar Flickerman here with Claudius Templesmith–

Claudius Templesmith: Hiii.

Caesar Flickerman: Intense first day of competetion; already ten tributes have lost their young lives! [he grins wickedly]

Claudius Templesmith: Sad.

Caesar Flickerman: Now for a closer look at the carnage on the field, we turn to the newest member of our team, Miss Maria Gutierrez. Maria!

[cut to Maria with bright pink Effie Trinket hair and suit smiling in the forest]

Maria Gutierrez: Hi, you guys!

Caesar Flickerman: Maria, tell us what it’s like down there on the field.

Maria Gutierrez: It is a total blast! They should call it the Fun-ger Games, because everyone is having so much fun! [Thresh nervously leans into the shot wielding a knife]

Caesar Flickerman: Yeah. Maria, have you got to speak to any of the competitors?

Maria Gutierrez: Not yet, but I think that I see someone over there. [she sneaks over to a clump of bushes and smacks another male tribute on the shoulder; he startles, terrified] Hi! [she laughs] Ay, don’t be shy, come out from behind that bush. [she drags him in front of the camera] Let the people see you! So tell me, what’s been the most surprising thing about the Hunger Games?

Male Tribute: Well, that’s a good question. You know what’s been funny? I haven’t been that hungry–

[a female tribute leaps out of nowhere and attacks him with a knife]

Female Tribute: DIE!! [they fall to the ground]

Maria Gutierrez: Ay! Well, you know what that means! Wait for it! [she pauses excitedly and a cannon fires, signaling that a tribute has been killed] BOOM! HUNGER GAAAAAAMES! Back to you guys!

Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria! Please keep us posted. As a reminder, the Hunger Games are brought to you by Tylenol. [a Tylenol logo appears] Got a spear in your head? Tylenol!

Maria Gutierrez: Hey, you guys! I found another one. Look what this crazy kid did! He’s pretending to be moss! [she crouches down next to Peeta, who has unconvincingly disguised himself in leaf-printed clothing and is lying on a rock] Oh, and it looks like he’s got a huge cut in his leg, it’s really bad! [she laughs and pokes his leg and the tribute groans in pain]

Peeta: It hurts! I don’t wanna die!

Maria Gutierrez: Well, you’re in luck, ’cause it looks like you got a gift from a sponsor! [a silver container floats down on a parachute and the tribute grabs it]

Peeta: Oh, God! Is it medicine for my leg?

Maria Gutierrez: Let’s see! [he opens it and she gasps excitedly and pulls out a sandwich packet] Even better! It’s Uncrustables! From the good people at Smucker’s, all the fun of peanut butter and jelly without the crust! [looks back at the tribute, who has stopped moving] Ay, he died. [she cackles and stands up, shimmying her chest] HUNGER GAAAAAMES! YAAAAY! [the cannon fires]

Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria. That’s twelve tributes now brutally killed in just a few hours! [he grins]

Maria Gutierrez: You guys! Look at this! [cut back to Maria standing beside Katniss with a bow and arrow and a brown plait] It’s the woman of the hour — Katniss! Katniss, I love when you came out of that chariot, you were surrounded by the flames, but then you ruffled the dress and also flames!

Katniss Everdeen: [looking around anxiously and whispering] You need to shut your mouth!

Maria Gutierrez: [happily] Ay, Katniss, does Peeta know that you have a boyfriend back home? Ooooh…

Katniss Everdeen: Here, these berries are good, try these. [she puts poisonous berries into Maria’s hand and walks away]

Maria Gutierrez: She’s so sweet, she gave me berries! [she eats a handful] Very sour, but they’re good! [eats a few more] OK, I’m dying now. But I’m still hungry. [eats the rest] Hungry…for more HUNGER GAAAAAAAMES!

Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria! Coming up next, stay tuned for the Hunger Games Puppy Bowl! [a graphic appears of two puppies attacking each other with knives] Once more, we’re here at the Hunger Games!

Announcer: We’ll be right back with more Hunger Games!

Submitted by: Rose Esposito

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Goodnights

…..Sofia Vergara

Sofia Vergara: Thank you SO much! One Direction — Thanks! Thank you, “SNL”, for having me, I had the BEST time! [ she blows a kiss ] Buenos noches, Columbia!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Just Friends Booty Shorts

Barista…..Vanessa Bayer
Guy #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Guy #2…..Andy Samberg
Clerk…..Nasim Pedrad
Gay Guy…..Taran Killam

[ open on two guys standing in line at coffee counter ]

Barista: Your Mint lattes. By the way — you guys are a really cute couple.

Guy #2: Uhhh…

Guy #1: Couple? No… [ he laughs ] No, no, no… uh… mmm-mmm.

[ cut to two guys at antique shop ]

Guy #1: Hey, check this out. It’s pretty cool. [ he opens a jewelry box ]

Clerk: It’s so nice to see couples antiquing.

Guy #1: [ exasperated ] We’re not a GAY couple!

Announcer: Tired of you and your straight friend being mistaken for a homosexual couple?

[ the two guys shake their heads ]

[ cut to the two guys jogging down the street, playfully swatting at one another as they run ]

Announcer: Set the record STRAIGHT… with Just Friends Booty Shorts.

[ reveal rear shot of the two guys jogging, with “Just” and “Friends” printed across both of their shorts ]

Announcer: The tight-fitting blend of lycra and spandex will make sure the message gets out LOUD AND CLEAR!

[ cut to the two guys swinging one another around the street ]

Jingle:
“Do me a favor
Don’t love me so much.”

Announcer: For the look that SCREAMS: “We’re available, ladies.”

[ the two guys run piggyback down the street, showing off for a trio of passing ladies ]

Jingle:
“You keep going in and out now
Messing with my mind.”

[ cut to the two guys hoppig on the back of a motorcycle, as the Barista watches. The motorcycle struggles to pull away, making it look like Guy #1 is giving it to Guy #2 in the rear. ]

[ cut to coffee shop, as Gay Guy approaches the two guys ]

Gay Guy: Well, hel-lo! [ he glances down and sees the “Just Friends” shorts ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I’m so sorry! I — [ he runs off, embarrassed ]

[ the two guys tip their cups triumphantly ]

Announcer: Available in both small… and tight.

[ cut to Guy #1 playfully shoving an extra-long hot dog into Guy #2’s mouth ]

Announcer: And if you really want to get the point across… try one of our “Not Gay” tanktops.

[ cut to the two guys in a bar, with “Not” and “Gay” written across their tanktops ]

Guy #1: [ as his cell phone rings ] I gotta take this. [ he answers ] Hello!

[ Guy #1 walks away, leaving Guy #2 alone at the bar in his “Gay” tanktop, which immediately attracts a couple of bears ]

[ cut to the two guys swinging one another around the street ]

Announcer: Just Friends Booty Shorts.

Guy #1: Because we’re TOTALLY straight! Well… usually!

Guy #2: [ laughing ] Oh, you!

[ they laugh and playfully punch one another ]

Guy #1: Come here, you!

[ Guy #1 pulls Guy #2 backwards and kisses him on the lips ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 7th, 2012

Sofia Vergara

One Direction

None

Manolo Gonzalez

None

Road to the White HouseSummary: Campaigning around the country, Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) appeases each group he speaks with, in a vain attempt to fit in with their cultural ideals.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney, Ann Romney.

Transcript

Montage

Sofia Vergara’s MonologueSummary: Sofia Vergara talks about her roots in Columbia, introduces her son Manolo Gonzalez in the audience, and rolls words off her tongue that sound sexy with a Spanish accent.

Transcript

Just Friends Booty ShortsSummary: Two guys (Jason Sudeikis, Andy Samberg) want to make it clear that they are just friends, not gay lovers, so they wear the booty shorts that will set everyone straight.

Transcript

Bein’ Quirky with Zooey DeschanelSummary: From her kitchen, Zooey Deschanel (Abby Elliott) discusses quirky behavior with BFF Mary Drew Barrymore (Kristen Wiig), Michael Cera (Taran Killam), and Fran Drescher (Sofia Vergara).

Recurring Characters: Zooey Deschanel, Michael Cera, Drew Barrymore, Fran Drescher, Mayim Bialik, Joey Lawrence.

Almost PizzaSummary: Dad (Bill Hader) questions the mysterious new pizza facsimile that Mom (Kristen Wiig) is trying to convince him to eat.

Transcript

News PromoSummary: During a news promo shoot, traffic reporter Hope Hines (Fred Armisen) just can’t seem to grasp the concept of turning to face the camera.

GillySummary: After disrupting Mrs. Roberts’ (Sofia Vergara) Sex Ed class, Gilly (Kristen Wiig) is told to imagine the consequences of her actions during her life’s final moments.

Recurring Characters: Gilly, Sam Jeffers, Liam, Paula.

One Direction performs “What Makes You Beautiful”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) is not looking forward to spending the Easter holiday with his family.

Recurring Characters: Drunk Uncle.

The Manuel Ortiz ShowSummary: Manuel Ortiz (Fred Armisen) and his guests dance their way through a segment in which a woman (Sofia Vergara) is reunited with her birth mother (Kristen Wiig), who is also seeing her husband (Bill Hader) behind her back.

Recurring Characters: Manuel Ortiz.

Lil PoundcakeSummary: The realistic doll that gives HPV vaccination shots to little girls.

Note: Repeat from 11b.

Watch What Happens: LiveSummary: Andy Cohen (Taran Killam).

Recurring Characters: Desmond Tutu.

One Direction performs “One Thing”

Pantene CommercialSummary: While taping a commercial for Pantene, Sofia Vergara is given the easy words to pronounce, while co-star Penelope Cruz (Kate McKinnon) is given the tougher, multi-syllabic words to stumble through.

Transcript

74th Annual Hunger GamesSummary: While covering the Hunger Games, field reporter Maria Gutierrez (Sofia Vergara) loudly gives away the hiding places of the competitors.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Frozen PlanetSummary: Narrator (Sofia Vergara) documents the animals who live in the Arctic.

FloridaSummary: A pair of explorers (Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg) discover the state of Florida.

The HorseSummary: A cowboy (Jason Sudeikis) encounters difficulty in getting off his high horse.

SNL Transcripts